We're finally here! The final results show. We open with a quick trip down Memory Lane (and even I, who has watched every season of this show, totally forgot that there was a different host with Tom in the first season), showing every contestant in their original season. Wow, remember when Pamela Anderson was on this season? Anyway, the three ladies will have one more performance tonight and then it's all over but the awarding of the Mirror Ball.
We open with a huge super dance number featuring all of this season's contestants, which only proves to me that Sabrina totally got robbed. She was more interesting in her three minutes on the floor than someone like Melissa has been all season. Sorry, but it's true. I can't imagine how tough that number was to choreograph; presumably they didn't have much time to rehearse and people were dancing in one spot and then popping up in another spot and there were a ton of people to keep track of, and it was great. Very watchable.
Let's look back at last night. Kelly was disappointed to have one slipped handhold keep her from getting a perfect score, and Val gave her props for doing aerial work twenty feet above the floor without a harness. Tony seems more excited about his own performance than their performance as a couple. I get that he's waited for this for a long time, but let's remember that you have a partner, dude. I still didn't like their freestyle. The judges were disappointed that Shawn and Derek broke the rules in their encore, but they made up for it in their freestyle and then some.
Oh, we're doing an encore tonight? I guess so. Len wants to see Shawn and Derek again. You know, I don't think I gave Derek enough credit for his gymnastic ability and flexibility in that routine. I was watching Shawn, but Derek was doing some amazing stuff in his own right. I also totally missed the Fierce Five doing aerial work in giant rings in the back of the stage during half of the routine.
DanceCenter. Here are the parts that actually made me laugh. Kenny said that Maks was totally in love with himself, as we saw footage of Maks rubbing his hands all over his own body. Kenny also said sarcastically that Mark Ballas is just there to make his partners look good while we see footage of Mark beating his chest and generally going on a 'roid rage. Wow. I mean, I totally agree but I'm happy to see this segment get some edge back. It's been way too mild lately.
Each couple will now choose randomly to find out what Insta-dance they will be doing. Val and Kelly get "cat and mouse jive." Ugh, we're doing that theme thing again? Boo. Melissa and Tony get "Life Is a Highway samba," which is the dance they did last night. So that means that Shawn and Derek get "Respect cha cha." Oh, I guess the first part is the name of the song? What is "Cat and Mouse"? I guess we'll find out soon.
Time for dances from people we don't miss! First up is Bristol and Mark. Bristol is fine. She doesn't embarrass herself. Mark could not be more going through the motions if he tried. Ugh, I can't stand that dipshit. Pamela and Tristan are . Pamela doesn't so much dance as she does get thrown around the stage, wriggle, and walk. I'm guessing there wasn't much rehearsal time involved. Wasn't she one of the people who was like, "I'm not going to stop dancing! I will still dance!" I don't think she did much dancing.
Funny clip package where Chelsie and Helio had trouble understanding one another and Chelsie looked really dumb for not knowing they speak Spanish in South America and Portuguese in Brazil. Then they dance and I just can't take Helio seriously when he's trying to be sexy. He's like five feet tall and seems like he has really bad breath. You know it's true. I hope Chelsie gets a good partner season.
Drew and Anna have decided to incorporate Drew's daughter Isabella into their dance, because why not? They redo their routine to "Crazy In Love," and his daughter does a great job. She is so focused on the dance and the counts and it's super cute. Tom points out that when Drew won his championship, Isabella wasn't even born yet.
Cute clip package of outtakes from the post-dance confessional booth. Not worth describing since it was a lot of people making funny sound effects and/or falling down, but it was good filler.
Wow, they actually just redid the Gangnam Style group dance and it was just as insane as the first time. Joey and someone subbed in for Kelly and Val. Who is that? Is that Kym? The wigs make it so hard to tell. Joey was actually a good addition to this routine; it's about his level of cheesiness. Gilles still looks amazing. Now that he's been eliminated, he doesn't annoy me anymore.
Joey and Kym are doing a Back to the Future themed dance, I guess? Joey's driving the DeLorean. Joey visits has past self and tells him that boy bands are cool, he should lay off the French fries, and start learning his cha cha now. And then they bring the DeLorean onto the dance floor. Joey is such a cheeseball. I'm not sure what this music is that they're dancing to; shouldn't it be...oh, they just transitioned into "Back in Time." Anyway, two little kids (little Joey and little Kym) come out and dance with them. What's with the kids this week? I mean, when it was Drew's actual daughter, that was one thing, but just random kids? I guess I should just appreciate that they choreographed a whole new routine instead of just showing me the same old thing we've already seen.
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Twist and Turns of the Season. Maks dressed up as Jagger. Karina tripped and fell on Apolo's mike pack. They had to do two dances in one routine, and then marry two weird themes together. I liked the former and not the latter.
Yay, Sabrina and Louis! Oh boo, they're doing a rumba. And they totally botched their lift/trick/whatever it was supposed to be. She's still amazing. Just the speed with which she moves around the floor impresses me so much. I would have loved to have seen her freestyle.
It's the other freestyle, with substitutes Helio/Chelsie and Drew/Anna subbing in for Melissa/Tony and Shawn/Derek. There are a few slipups that just cracked me up but that was still a really fun routine.
DanceCenter. Nothing funny was said, except for one crack about how Gilles likes to take his shirt off, so I'm moving on.
Kirstie and Maks whatever. Gilles does my least favorite of his dances, the "Jai Ho" routine. After a commercial break, Apolo and Karina do their waltz. I really dislike this song, which is about a woman who gets cancer. It's just too literal. And then Emmitt comes out and does his Emmitt thing.
DanceCenter looks at the finalists. Shawn giggles a lot. Melissa can be an airhead. Val doesn't like to wear a lot of clothes, and probably had sex with Kelly. HILARIOUS!
Kelly and Val are up first with their Instant Dance but not before we get a quick clip package showing their "journey." Anyway, their jive is great. Kelly gets to play a different character than we've usually seen from her; she's kind of funny and ditzy instead of her usual serious and intense. I'm guessing everyone wanted the jive because they could just stitch together all of the eight counts they rehearsed for the jive marathon a few weeks back. Anyway, it looks like a complete routine instead of something they threw together in an hour, except for one little slip on a trick. It was minor. I enjoyed it. Judges? Len tells her that she's been a revelation all season, and he points out that her spins are fantastic. He loves that she worked hard and nailed the footwork. Bruno calls them "randy rabbits" and they have precision, even if they lost a bit of balance. Carrie Ann can't believe it was the Instant Dance since they were totally together. Backstage, Brooke tries to press them to define their relationship and they won't. She should just yell out, "Are you DOING IT OR WHAT?" Based on how much all of the other dancers and pros crack up when they deny their relationship, they're doing it. Scores: Carrie Ann 9.5, Len 9.5, and Bruno 9.5.
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Melissa and Tony have the samba and I feel like they've done this whole routine before. There's nothing new here. And the first quarter is REALLY sloppy; at one point when Melissa is spinning, I thought she was going to fall over. The second half is good though. Judges? Bruno points out that the music wasn't quite right for the samba, but Melissa made it work. Carrie Ann thought they rushed the music a hair, perhaps because it was slower than their samba last night. Len agrees, but Melissa was his favorite to watch all season. Scores: Carrie Ann 9.5, Len 9.5, and Bruno 9.5. Tony and Melissa seem pretty happy with that score.
And finally, Shawn and Derek have their last rehearsal and Derek actually starts CRYING. He's totally leaving the show, isn't he? Their cha cha is great. If Derek does leave the show, I won't miss his often self-indulgent behavior, but I will totally miss his choreography. His routines are never boring and he's always trying new things. He's the best male dancer they've got. Anyway, this routine looked like they've been doing it for years, and they just learned it, and they even finished with that death-defying leap thing that I still can't figure out. Impressive. Judges? Carrie Ann tells Shawn that she started out a star and finished with a star-studded performance. Len points out that Derek has thrown some fantastic choreography at her and she's handled it like a pro. Bruno thought it was a grand finale. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Well deserved.
Brooke and Tom point out that this is the first time there were three women in the finals. Fuck yeah, ladies! But first, we're going to eliminate someone. To the surprise of no one, the third place couple is Kelly and Val. Clip package of their "journey." Can we eliminate the word "journey" from reality shows, please? It's not like they strapped on a backpack and stuck out a thumb to hitchhike down the coast. Geez. It's weird not to have the show fade out after interviewing the losers. I kept waiting for the credits to start rolling. I will say, I'm glad Val made the finals. He's a great dancer who's been overshadowed by his brother and he got to come into his own this season.
And finally, it's time to find out which couple has won the All-Star season. And man, do they make us wait. And wait. And Tom gives the most vague announcement that could be either, "Now they're won two" or "Now they've won too." Turns out it's the latter: Melissa and Tony are the winners. Tony goes FUCKING APESHIT! He actually swears and they have to bleep it out and then everyone forgets about Melissa and celebrates Tony as he's surrounded. Look, I know he's waited a long time, but obviously Melissa had a lot to do with this win since Tony never won until she became his partner again. Could we celebrate her as well? Tony is freaking me out. I think he had convinced himself he wasn't going to win. Derek hoists Melissa up on his shoulders since EVERYONE ELSE is hoisting Tony up. Anyway, Tony won! Oh, and also Melissa, I guess.
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