It's the first results show! And it's... two hours long? What the fudge? A results show should be like five minutes long. Given the constraints of television, I would allow thirty minutes. Have a recap of the night, have an encore dance, have a live musical/dance performance, and then announce who's going home. But two effing hours? Why you do me wrong, Tom Bergeron?
Anyway, were these new opening credits or did I just not notice them last night? Anyway, it's a take on the Bat Signal, with the Dancing with the Stars logo appearing in the sky and the various contestants responding to the call. It's actually creative and interesting, not two adjectives I generally associate with this show, so kudos.
Hey, what did the audience in the studio think about last night's show? Especially the friends and relatives of the people dancing? No one cares. That's what they thought.
Tom introduces three couples, and they get the big intro music and walk down the stairs and then that's it? It feels really weird. I guess we're going to ask each contestant why he or she decided to be on the show again. Bristol has to remind us how persecuted she is, because it's not like she didn't put herself in the public eye, right? Oh, she did. Okay. Anyway, Bristol says that she wanted to prove that she works hard and deserves to be there. And then we get a clip (that we saw part of last night) of Mark teaching Bristol where he mostly talks about her ass while Bristol rolls her eyes.
Why did Kelly Monaco return? I love how they don't even show Kelly's partner when they show old clips from her original season. It was Alec, who hasn't been on the show since season nine, and must be persona non grata with the producers or something. He's married to Edyta, who also dropped off the face of the earth when she left the show. Anyway, Kelly says that she came back because she missed dancing. And Val didn't know she was on General Hospital or what General Hospital is. You'd think he'd look it up when he found out who his partner was going to be.
How about Pamela Anderson? She wants to learn to dance better and she loves to perform. Tom interviews her and Pamela seems really sincere about vowing to work harder and rehearse more because she really wants to stay.
So let's bring out the group of three: Joey Fatone, Apolo Ohno, and Drew Lachey. First up is Joey, who wanted to return because he wants to win after coming in second. Here's the important clip we needed to expand the results show to see: Joey and Kym moved a photo of the judges out of their rehearsal studio, and replaced it with a picture of themselves. Wow, that was so interesting that I zzzzzzzzzzz.
Drew wanted to come back because the show was fun, and no one can take away his win. He just wanted the challenge. Tom asks Drew if the show has changed much since the second season. Drew says that some things have changed, like the ballroom, but you still just have to learn and execute the dance. Tom reminds us that Drew's partner Anna was his competitor in the second season and now they are partners, and Drew says as long as he does what Anna says, things are fine.
Apolo loves competition, and he plans to train for his just like he trained for the Olympics. Tom asks Apolo if he's as serious as he seemed in that clip package, and Karina laughs and says no. The end.
Another group! Because this is so thrilling and interesting. Don't most people tune into this show to see dancing? Because we've seen very little dancing so far tonight. Anyway, this group is Emmitt, Melissa, Helio, and Gilles. Let's find out why Helio returned. He claims it was so that his daughter could see him dance, and because it's fun. Tom says that Helio got a standing ovation before he even started dancing. He did? Why? Anyway, here's a clip of Chelsie looking really dumb because she didn't understand why Helio, a Brazilian, spoke Portugese, and then was shocked to find out that South Americans don't all speak Spanish. Oh, she probably didn't finish high school, right? It's a good thing she's pretty.
Melissa wanted to return because she loved being on the show, and she wants to prove that she can still dance now that she's a wife and mother. Tom tells Melissa that she doesn't even look like she had a baby, and I'm not even going to get into how dumb that is, but thank God some celebrities are starting to stand up and protest the media making women feel like they need to lose the baby weight on some crazy schedule, which isn't healthy for moms or dads or babies. And I'm sure Melissa worked hard and good for her, but I hope she did it because she wanted to feel healthy and not because anyone else expected her to look a certain way. Oh, I guess I am going to get into it. Then Tony says that he feels like he let Melissa down before, and he wants to make it up to her.
I know you're dying to find out why Gilles came back. He says it's the American dream. Look, he's foreign. And hot. I'm going to give him a pass. Gilles says that being on the show allowed him to be a working actor, and now he's on the show Switched at Birth. Tom teases Gilles that he's not a dancer, and he says it a lot. So then we get a clip package of Gilles saying a million times that he's not a dancer.
Time for an encore, but first Len has to talk about how impressive the first night of dancing was. And we're going to see Emmitt and Cheryl again. I still don't think this was the best dance of the night. I think Emmitt will be a leader, but he still looks a little stiff to me. He does have those fast feet, though.
So why did Emmitt come back? He says he wanted to be a part of the first All-Star cast, and didn't want to feel left out. He thinks it's a little easier to dance with Cheryl again but also a challenge because people have high expectations. Tom asks Emmitt if he's in the zone like he was at the end of his season, and Emmitt says he's working towards it but it will come faster given the high level of competition.
I really should have just skipped the first hour of tonight's show, right? I'm realizing that now.
Another group: Shawn, Sabrina, and Kirstie. This is everyone, right? This is the last group. Why did Shawn Johnson come back? Shawn retired from gymnastics and she was happy to once again have a goal to work towards. She is definitely thinner or more likely, less muscular than her season. Derek and Shawn sit down to talk to Tom to make the height difference less obvious, and then we get a clip package where Derek pretended he couldn't see Shawn because she's so short. Shawn doesn't seem to think it's that funny; it's not. Stop it, Derek.
Sabrina got voted back in and I think she has the best reason to return; she was voted out earlier than most thought she would be, and she's the standard everyone holds up as "anyone can go at any time." Tom asks her if she feels extra pressure because the fans voted her in. Louis does feel pressure, and Sabrina says she's just honored.
Why did Kirstie return? No, seriously, why did she? Kirstie has always wanted to be a dancer, and she's excited to have the opportunity again. Ugh, that hair. I can't even. Maks gives a really sincere speech (where he reads notes off his hand) and I guess it's his idea of funny but I'm so done with him. And her. Blech.
Suddenly, Tristan and Chelsie are dancing and then Anna and Louis are dancing and did this come out of nowhere or is it just me? I guess this is the opening of the second hour. Then I think the troupe is back. And then Tony and Karina and Maks and Peta and Val and Cheryl are doing a paso doble. And then the rest of the pros come out and do more of a hip hop style dance. By the end, I figured out that was a big pro number but it got no introduction and seemed to come out of nowhere. But at least we finally saw some dancing. And they're acknowledging that the first hour was a waste of time and you could just tune in now and it would be a normal results show.
Finally, some results! Joey and Kym had to go first and Joey was nervous and contemplating a bunch of different bodily functions. Karina was thrilled with how Apolo did, and she was impressed that Carrie Ann thought Apolo was sexy even with his pink suspenders. Mark's comments to Bristol during their routine were all about how hard she needed to shake it. Derek made some more short comments to Shawn right before she went on and I'm glad that she's obviously so over that bullshit and lets him know it. So in this group, who is safe and who's in jeopardy? Joey, Shawn, and Apolo are all safe. Bristol is in jeopardy.
Pitbull is here to do his Pitbull thing. You know. He's wearing tight black pants and sunglasses and yelling into a microphone. If you've seen him live once, you've seen him a million times. Halfway through the song, some giant light-up robot on stilts comes out on stage and starts shooting steam guns? I swear I didn't just hallucinate that. This routine is probably a lot of fun if you are in the studio, but here at home, I'm just waiting for more results.
Hey, more interviews. That's what everyone at home is dying to see. I did get a chuckle because while Helio is being interviewed, you can see Peta behind him checking her phone. Heh. Here's what I learned from those interviews: everyone is nervous.
More results, finally! Helio screwed up his routine but still got pretty good scores for some reason. Joey and Drew made an agreement to get to the top three together and then decide who would win. Is this Survivor? I'm predicting a bromance storyline for those two, with a boy band twist. Anyway, Drew totally screwed up his footwork and the judges didn't mention it, so he was psyched. And then he high fived Anna really hard and she looked genuinely pissed. How about Kelly? She was cursing up a storm backstage and that made me like her more. And then she and Val did a hand clapping game while looking at the camera instead of each other and I was actually impressed. That shit is hard. Anyway, what are the results for this group? Helio and Kelly are safe and Drew and Anna are in jeopardy. Wow, really? Then again, they haven't said this was the bottom three or whatever yet. This could all be a ploy to remind us to vote for our favorites.
What would it feel like to be the first one eliminated, according to the stars? Well, it's even harder this time around, and the expectations are higher. And anyone could go home. So I've learned nothing. You?
Hey, my other least favorite part of the results show: the troupe. So they do a routine.
Brooke interviews more people backstage. They're trying really hard. The problem with having people who've been on the show before is that they have all their soundbites prepared and ready to go, and thus their interviews are really, really boring. I don't love Kristie but at least there's always a possibility that she'll say something outrageous or unscripted.
More results. Emmitt fanned his head backstage before his dance and I empathized with him, because I am always hot. Gilles was doing an interview while Peta totally adjusted her boobs behind him and he had no clue. I don't think Gilles and Peta have the chemistry that Gilles had with Cheryl and I'm a little worried. Sabrina was overly excited and overdanced a bit, but Louis talked her down afterwards. So which are these three are safe? Tom says that Emmitt and Cheryl and Gilles and Peta are "all safe!" They hear "all" and think that means Louis and Sabrina are safe too. Oops. And then Sabrina and Louis are safe too. Brooke says, "That was terrible" and someone on stage curses and what just happened? Well, at least it got my attention.
Justin Bieber. Aren't we, as a culture and society, done with him now? Isn't there another prepubescent boy with toothpick arms and some white boy dance moves out there looking to take over the crown? Also, he needs to stop grabbing his crotch while he dances. And I don't understand his dropped crotch leather pants. Wouldn't there be a lot of chafing with those? Isn't the point of leather pants that they're tight? I've officially given more thought to Justin Bieber in the last five minutes than ever before in my life. My favorite part is that when Tom and Brooke introduce the segment, there's a lady behind in the audience who looks how I feel. She has such a WTF is this nonsense look on her face.
What about Kirstie? She kissed Tom, because she probably wasn't getting enough attention. Melissa was thrilled with her own performance and happy to get through the first performance. Pamela apparently had a bad rehearsal and I didn't notice last night but I think her boob almost popped out of her costume at one point. She obviously felt bad about her performance and prayed that she'd get a chance to dance again. So who is safe from this group? Kirstie and Melissa are safe, and Pamela is in jeopardy.
And now we finally get to find out who's going home. I don't know about you guys, but I'm exhausted. We also get some information about the standings: one of the couples is not really on the bottom, but the other two are the actual bottom two. Bristol and Mark are definitely safe. Wow, that's a shocker. And a bummer. That means Pamela and Tristan and Drew and Anna are the actual bottom two. If Drew goes home, I will shit a brick. Not really. But I will be surprised. So who's going home? Pamela and Tristan. Whew. I mean, I wanted her to stay, because I like her (and Tristan) better than some of the alternatives, but her dance was not good, and I would have felt really bad for Drew if he left the first week after winning his season. There's not much time for Pamela to chat, because they had so much important stuff to get to earlier, I guess. Lame.