It's Rock Week? Kim left and I'm stuck with the house band attempting to do rock songs, and watching these pseudo celebrities try to look edgy? God help me. I hope she's thoroughly enjoying her vacation.
KISS is opening the show, and well, that's what it is. They are in full makeup and I have hard time watching this after watching Gene Simmons Family Jewels and seeing how he acted. I just know too much, I prefer some mystery to my rock stars (except Bret Michaels; I always want to know more about his ass). Also, Gene's voice isn't holding up well.
Halfway through "Rock and Roll All Nite," the pro troupe comes out with some red chairs and their own made-up faces and does a routine that would be fit for a strip club. I can't even begin to figure out who is who under all the hair and makeup, but the girls have metal chains and are wearing fishnets and bikinis, so I doubt anyone's really looking at much else. Way to start this family show with some appropriate dancing for all ages.
The judges all have paddles that say 11, even though that's Spinal Tap and not KISS. This really doesn't bode well for tonight. And we're told that KISS will also be back tomorrow night, for whatever that's worth. I'm far more interested in the fact that they're touring with Motley Crüe. It takes me back to my well spent youth thinking about shouting at the devil with all the power that a suburban white girl could muster. The couples are introduced, and Gavin's still got a hat on. I'm telling you, that's what's keeping him in the bottom. It's a turn off.
Sherri's up first, and Tom promises (threatens) that she'll be doing a tango to Quiet Riot. Val's excited to be doing a song that he loves by "Quiet Noise." Sherri, who does hang loose instead of devil horns, has to correct him. Oh, how I already hate rock week. In the studio, the dance seems to be a lot of him taking his shirt off, which she's very excited about, and because he's related to Maks, must be second nature. She talks about their contentious love/hate silly relationship. She thinks this will translate well to the tango. But then the cameras show that he's written her last name along his knuckles in an attempt to look rebellious and I lose all hope.
They seem to have gone all out with the pyrotechnics this week, or at least there are four giant flames on the stair cases that flank the band. Tom says that he understands that "Cum on Feel the Noize" is a big hit at strip clubs, but says he doesn't know from firsthand experience. Oh just own it, Tom. The girl singing this is dreadful, but I have to remind myself that I am not recapping The Voice tonight and am supposed to pay attention to the dancing.
Well, I wish I wasn't, because Sherri starts by throwing herself seductively all over the judges table. Then she moves awkwardly in an attempt to seem intense along the dance floor, and then does some gyrations that are a little upsetting.
Len says that she had a few moments of fumbled footwork, but she did a great job with a song that didn't suit her personality. Bruno liked the lap dance she gave the judges at the beginning and asks the age old question: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?" He likes her nasty though he readily admits it could have been sharper. Carrie Ann says that she danced without expression and that it lacked passion. Sherri seems surprised, but Carrie Ann's not wrong. Some fan on Twitter likes all the guyliner and wishes it was rock week every week. I'd like to find them and slap them in the face. Hard. Time for the judges scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, Bruno 7. For a fairly judged 21.
Katherine and Mark are doing the paso doble. They are trying to turn Katherine into the Welsh Warrior by taking her to a Muay Thai-style boxing ring. She giggles while punching a boxing dummy. And no, sadly she's not punching Mark. The dance floor is set up with fencing blocking off the stairs, and more pyrotechnics. They actually look great. Everything is sharp and aggressive, but it's just not special. Still, she's not giggling at all, looks appropriately fierce and fake punches Mark at the end. I'd really have given her extra points if she'd have slipped... just a little bit.
Bruno says that she had the fury, but that she didn't finish her lines and it wasn't as clean as it should have been. So many boos. Carrie Ann says she wasn't on her feet and she seemed uncertain. Len said it had promise but didn't deliver, but he appreciated her attack. All the judges reiterate that she's an amazing dancer, because they really don't want her going home. Brooke's hair is enormous as she asks an out-of-breath Katherine what she her proper friends would think of the cage fighting. Gee, they'll be shocked. I'm so sure that I learned something here. Thanks for wasting more of my time, Brooke. Judges: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, Bruno 8.
As we head off to commercials, we have to watch the upcoming couples banter and Kym and Jaleel try and look all light and playful (despite the backstage reports), but when I freeze my TV to write something, she's got her fierce face on and she's not smizing.
Tom reminds us that Jaleel cried over his own performance a lot last week because being Urkel just moved him so much. They are doing a Mick Jagger song, and he cops to not knowing much about the Rolling Stones. So she teaches him some basic moves and he walks around like a ridiculous looking chicken and purses his lips. So far, he does not have the moves like Jagger. Or even Krusty the Clown. In rehearsal it looks like they are working on a death drop of sorts, where he's the one taking the fall, but it doesn't seem to go that well. Still, he falls a lot, so at least that's not crying.
They are doing the tango, and he starts doing more of the "Jagger" style at the beginning until they meet in the middle of the Union Jack on the floor and take hold. His arms are weak, and when he looks away from her, it seems like he's counting in his head. Also, his feet really seem to be out of place, like he's not landing solidly or something. The death drop works out OK, and he ends up spinning around on the floor to end the dance picking up all the dust bunnies. Up in the gallery, he's only getting a smattering of applause.
Carrie Ann says that she loved it even though it was funky and weird. She says his biggest problem was that he was too smooth, and the tango should be staccato. Len says he like the humor, and that he was doing the spin, but he wanted more attack and aggression. He comments that his footwork should have been more panther like. Bruno says that the feet also didn't work, but he loved the performance of it. Jaleel says he was feeling the music and did kicks, and seems confused. He adds that he did his George Jefferson, because he thinks that TV's most famous drycleaner and Jagger had the same strut. Judges: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, Bruno 7.
Tom reminds us about the forthcoming dance-off between the bottom two celebrities (which start tomorrow or week, the wording is very confusing) and while it works on So You Think You Can Dance, I don't think it is fitting here. This has always been a glorified popularity contest, and not sending the lowest vote-getter home undermines that. Still, I guess we'll see how it plays out. Right now it just seems like the judges were pouting that they had to sit around looking pretty and getting paid on Tuesdays without really doing all that much.
The guys from KISS are still hanging out, and Tom calls the show, Mimes Gone Wild. That actually made me laugh. In rehearsal, there is some trouble, as Melissa doesn't really know how to do angry mean girl that the paso needs Finally, Maks pushes her and uses his off-putting rude coaching style, and she gets pissed off. And then she nearly steps on his junk. This could be a disaster... for Maks.
As they are introduced, we see actually bullhorns moving towards Maks, who is swathed in red lights, and we even hear some snorting. I thought it might be Melissa, but it seems like a bored camera operator. They are dancing to "Conquest," which is kind of cheating the rock theme a little bit. It's a matador song that The White Stripes covered, but it isn't really rock-rock, if you know what I mean. It certainly doesn't offer up much of a challenge.
Melissa looks scared at parts, and like she's looking to Maks for what the step is, but during the middle when they are doing more of the showier moves it's almost good. There's a part at the end where he spins her to the ground, and he follows down to the floor. That's a big flub. Or at the very least, the least graceful thing I've ever seen Maks do. But then he gets up and she ends up leaving him in a pool of his own lighting trick blood on the floor.
Len says he liked it, but doesn't seem completely sold. He says "of course silly old Maks fell over," like he's talking about Pooh Bear, but says the floor is slippery. Then why aren't people falling all the time? But Len says stuff happens. Wow, he really doesn't want Melissa to go home -- why else would he be so forgiving? Bruno says that it was good until the ending. Maks takes total responsibility for that, which is the right thing to do. Bruno also says that she seems to be running for it, instead of hitting the beat. Why does he have to stand up for all of his critiques, does he have hemorrhoids that make it hard for him to sit for long periods of time? Carrie Ann says it was her best performance, but it is really hard to take seriously as she's rocking a Snooki bump. She says that she needs to look like she's not holding on for dear life to Maks when they are dancing.
Tom tries to get us to go see the live show with Carson and Kyle. Thanks, Tom, but I've got YouTube to watch those old dances and better things to spend my money on. Upstairs, Brooke wants to know who decided they should kill Maks, and Melissa says she did it in honor of the 12 that came before her. Maks gets a good laugh. Judges: Carrie Ann 7, Len 8, Bruno 7. Len gave the highest score? That's unusual. Brooke's giant hair gets tangled up in Maks' hand/Melissa's costume and she looks like a confused cat trying to catch her tail while getting it undone.
Donald got raved reviews last week, and he's excited for the paso because he can bring his guns and it is an athlete's favorite. Peta's decided to take advantage of his assets and have him shirtless, but he needs to practice with a cape, so he improvises with her old lady crocheted sweater. It's fun to see him show his sense of humor, as he always seems so driven.
He starts out channeling his inner Jimmy Hendrix on a fake guitar, and quickly dumps the vest, so why the need to rehearse with the sweater? Just for shits and giggles? He's definitely strong, and his footwork looks good. He death spirals her like no one's business, though I wonder if Carrie Ann will call him on the lift. He does stick his tongue out when he's got her leg lifted, which I'm not a fan of. But his moves are quite sharp. He leaves her spinning on the floor. There wasn't a lot of dancing between the big power moves, but it was still fun.
Bruno compliments Donald's great guns, and he liked the sense of humor and the pride. Carrie Ann said it was bizarre and raunchy and hot and one of the most memorable dances on the show. Len wants to compare tattoos with Donald after the show. He says that Donald frightened him and brought the power. Everyone seems happy. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, Bruno 9. Highest score of the night so far. He's smiling from ear to ear, but wishes he had gotten some 10s.
Gladys tells Tristan that this week she's not going to have class, which sounds horrifying. They are doing a tango to "Bohemian Rhapsody" and she again says it's going to get nasty. I'm very afraid. Then in the holding area, Gene Simmons is goofing around with her, and that giant tongue is wagging. Did the guys from KISS really have nothing better to do for two hours? I'd want to wash that makeup off stat, it's got to itch.
The judges and Tom got together to do the intro, à la Queen, where they are against a black background and in a diamond formation. That's cute, but it doesn't necessarily showcase Gladys as far as intros go. When we finally see her dancing, we get a close-up of her footwork, which looks very tentative. Her big kicks look OK, but the rest of it is awkward. Especially the unnecessary part where she pumps her hand as Tristan strums her side. I'm totally unimpressed, but maybe the judges will like that they got to see themselves on the big screen.
Carrie Ann says that it started out strong, but that it was too ambitious, and it didn't quite come together. Len compliments Tristan's choreography and says Gladys coped, but her posture and feet were a mess. Bruno likes her grace and style, but that the song has a lot of tempo changes and she didn't change to keep up. Judges: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, Bruno 7. Harsh, but not undeserved.
The audience is at an insane volume when we come back, which can only mean that William is out on the dance floor. They are doing the jive, instead of the tango or the paso like everyone else. I don't get how these dances are chosen. Anyway, it's to "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister, and William knows nothing from American music because it was illegal to listen to his in country. I suppose that's a valid excuse. So Cheryl brings in Steel Panther, and William is confused about the hair band concept and thinks they are ugly women. They help him channel his inner Tommy Lee, and looks pretty great in leopard pants. Even the Steel Panther guys seem to admire his thighs.
More screaming, which makes me concerned for the vocal chords of the women in the audience. His kicks seem sharp -- they are moving very quickly, and it looks great. Well, until he tries to swing Cheryl under his legs and gets all tripped up and they lose about four counts trying to cover that up. When they get back in hold and jive he looks like he's staring at her for help. He's definitely thrown off. Started good, ended poorly.
Cheryl lost part of her shoe and kept dancing. Len reminds William that he messed up this week, which wouldn't be bad, but he also screwed something up last week. It is a bad pattern that pretty can't cover up. Bruno says that he rocks, but he went off and never got it back. Carrie Ann says he's got something special, but he needs to focus. The guys from Steel Panther are in the audience and super psyched that anyone acknowledges their existence. KISS is still hanging out on the tricky new staircase, making the weird trek even more awkward and time consuming. Judges: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, Bruno 8.
Roshon's doing the Viennese Waltz... for Rock Week. Some producer had poor planning. In rehearsal, he fumbles over his long limbs, and he gets frustrated... so he raps it out. Then there's hugging. He's hoping he can improve enough that Len will say, "Good job, dawg." I think Roshon thinks that Len is Randy Jackson.
They look like they are going to prom, with Chelsie in a hot pink gown and him in a matching shirt. And they are dancing with David Cook's "The Time of My Life," which is decidedly not rock and roll. It's not even power ballad. They look great, until they stop moving in the middle to do a pose where Chelsie wraps her arms around his neck and they bobble a little. Did someone wax the floor this afternoon? They seem to get back into their groove quickly, though.
Bruno likes his lines and movement and says it was elegant. Carrie Ann says it was like he end of a Disney movie, and says he's the best male dancer. Len says, "Good job, dawg." He thought it had style and panache, calls out the stumble in the middle, but it was lovely. Upstairs, Donald slaps him on the ass on the way in, and Roshon is just really happy that Carrie Ann called him a man and not a boy. Judges: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, Bruno 9.
It seems that the crew is lowering Stonehenge on to the dance floor while Tom introduces Maria's clip package. But then we never see it again. Weird. Just some random Spinal Tap reference that they hoped people got? Maria and Derek are doing, "School's Out," so of course she's dressed like a naughty schoolgirl. During rehearsal, her foot starts hurting. She's just really falling apart. At the doctor's, she's told she's got stress fractures in her feet, but she refuses to quit even though she may have broken feet. I hope she's got some amazing painkillers at least.
She ditches the glasses and shirt to reveal a slinky black dress suitable for the tango. She's got great form and positioning, and her legs look amazing and make up for Derek's stupid mohawk. You can't tell at all that she's got foot issues. I could have done without the head-banging in the middle, but I suppose it is par for the course. At the end it seems like went a little out of the boundaries of the dance floor and confused the cameraman.
Maria gets held piggyback style by Derek while they get their critiques. Carrie Ann loves it and thinks they have good chemistry, and then swallows her earring. Len says she's got great posture, but wasn't wowed. Bruno love it and wonders what she can do if she's not injured. I'm going to send her some calcium pills so hopefully we can find out. Vitamins or something are in need, for sure. Judges: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, Bruno 9.
Gavin's last, and he's hoping to get out of the bottom two because it is rock week so he feels he has an edge. Really, Gavin? That's like saying that Donald has an edge during soccer week. He's so not rock. And I'm sure he's not tango. Karina threatens to duct tape his mouth during rehearsals if he doesn't shut up. That's why she's the best one.
Their song is "Paint It, Black," and the opening part where he's dragging her looks good. You know, before the dancing starts. Then they get in hold and he looks like he's taking baby steps instead of purposeful strides. And he's got spaghetti arms. Their roll over each other looks awkward and uncomfortable, and it seems that the cameraman are trying to help him out by filming it from a distance instead of doing a lot of close-ups.
Len says he liked it, but his bum sticks out too much because he hunches over. Bruno thinks he had a bad frame. Carrie Ann thought she was watching Johnny Depp. Is she high? She thinks that his performance was great so she doesn't want to quibble about technique... even though that's her entire job. Gavin's self-effacing about his position in the bottom two, and imagines he'll land there again. Judges: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, Bruno 7.
Here's the leaderboard:
Donald and Peta: 27
Roshon and Chelsie: 26
Maria and Derek: 26
Katherine and Mark: 24
Gavin and Karina: 23
William and Cheryl: 22
Jaleel and Kym: 22
Melissa and Maks: 22
Sherri and Val: 21
Gladys and Tristan: 20
I'm guessing Melissa and Gladys will be the bottom two, though Gavin might end up there too. I'm also just really happy to see some variety in the scoring instead of a straight run of 24s.