It's been exactly six months since the last season premiered, so I hope you're feeling rested. It's time for another season of Dancing with the Stars! Brooke and Tom introduce the new season from the balcony and they're standing right in front of an audience member who is awkwardly staring at the back of Brooke's head because what else can she do, and she was obviously coached not to look at the camera. It's awesome. She just stares blankly and then smiles and starts clapping to the music and meanwhile Brooke is practically on top of her and it's all horrible and yet incredible. That was my favorite thing that's happened so far this season. You know, in the first three minutes.
The new couples are introduced (more about them later), as well as the band. Alumni Kyle Whatever His Name Is From Disney and Joey Fat One are in the audience. Tom claims that we've all been clamoring for some of these stars. We have? Actually, I have kind of been clamoring for Jack Wagner. Brooke explains that no one will be eliminated this week. Instead, they will all dance again Monday and then someone will be eliminated Tuesday. I appreciate that. First of all, it lets me ease into the season. And second, if someone just totally effs up their first dance due to nerves, they get a second chance. On the other hand, we have to keep the dead weight around longer, which is a bit of a drag.
First up are TV host Maria Menounos and her partner Derek Hough. I'm just going to lay out my preconceived notions about each contestant and see if they are confirmed or shattered. I actually like Maria Menounos, even though her show, Extra, is made of unicorn tears and landfill. All I really know about her is that she's been on Howard Stern's show a few times and she always seemed game and in on the joke. That goes a long way with me. Obviously, she's hot. But she seems to get it. She seems a little bit smart. Prove me wrong, Maria. IN their roll-in package, Derek says that he wants as many trophies as he has chest hairs. Pause. "And that's four." Okay, that was funny.
Rehearsal! Maria says that she's very athletic, and she plays football and hockey, so she's like a dude with boobs. And then they focus on her laugh, which is AWFUL. I almost don't like her because her laugh is so horrible. Anyway, they are doing the cha cha. And dancing to one of my favorite artists, Kelly Clarkson, and her hit "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You (Stronger)." I saw Kelly in concert last month. Incredible. Anyway, it must be really hard to go first, and Maria did not embarrass herself. She got all the steps right. Once in a while there was hip action. She forgot to bend her knees for the first section, and then there was some weird stiffness in her midsection, like her spine is fused or something. Not a lot of musicality there. But she shows promise, if she can loosen up a bit. Do a shot before the routine, maybe.
Judges? Len says that nothing can prepare you for the first dance, and Maria did very well, although he'd like to see more hip action. Bruno says that her timing was good, and her hand placement was good, but she needs to "open up the sexpot." Now I'm thinking about an actual sex pot and... that seems gross. Carrie Ann thought it was strong and solid, but she lacked a bit of confidence in going from one move to the . Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Good first week scores, and good first dance scores. They can't score them too high, since they need room to improve. Also, it wasn't that great.
Oh, you guys. Jack Wagner is up . I was SUCH a Frisco fan back in the day. I used to buy Soap Opera Digest as a young teen just to read stories about Jack Wagner and Kristina Malandro in real life, and were they dating, and were they married and whatnot. I hope he's not terrible. Fingers crossed. During rehearsals, Jack gets frustrated when he doesn't get everything right away, and reminds himself to be patient. He doesn't look too bad, though.
They have the foxtrot. There's a bit too much faffing about at the beginning for my tastes. Jack does great once they're in hold. He has good extension, and he's graceful and athletic, with excellent posture. I see some pancake hands, and he needs to relax a little bit, but those are easy fixes. He's just doing the steps at this point; he needs to get into the character of the dance more.
Judges? Bruno says that he loved the extension and the movement, and he can't wait to see what they do week. Carrie Ann tells Jack that he can act, sing AND he can dance. Len liked the feel of the dance, but Jack's technique needs work, like his posture in hold and his footwork. Good for Len, not soft-pedaling it. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8. Great scores.
Donald Driver is a football player for the Green Bay Packers. I know this because I had him on my fantasy team a few seasons ago. Peta is his partner, and she goes to meet him at home. And Donald is PSYCHED! He's been watching the show forever and he's dying to get on there. Ooh, I like him. And he looks great in rehearsals, despite what Peta terms his skinny legs.
They have the cha cha. Well. He can MOVE. He's got hip action to spare. If he could do only Latin dances, he would take this trophy in a heartbeat. I would say his downfall is going to be technique on the slower dances, and that he's a little frantic at times. But man, can he dance. And he's motivated. He just made Jack Wagner look like a pensioner.
Judges? Carrie Ann tells him that he has charisma and charm for days, and while there may not have been a lot of cha cha in there, she loved the routine. Len loved his attitude and flair, but he got a little overexcited with his gyrations and lost time. Len advises him to use more control week with his quickstep. Bruno loves his energy, power, and process, and while his attitude was great for this routine, he needs to refine it a bit, because he's got the talent. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Hmm. I thought it deserved slightly higher scores, at least closer to what Jack got. I also worry about Donald partnered with Peta; I think he'd be better off with Anna or Cheryl.
Gavin DeGraw is a singer. He likes to wear hats. That's about all I've got from him. He's partnered with Karina, who I think got some lip injections over the break, because she's got those lips that look like worms. In rehearsals, Gavin says that people think he's a natural dancer because he's a musician, but he's really not. And whoa, is he not. Karina's got her work cut out for her.
They are doing the foxtrot. Gavin needs to lose the hat. Lose the hat. Lose the hat. Is he bald? Who cares? Lose the hat. Well, he's better than his rehearsals suggested, and he looks like he's having fun out there. He's doing a lot of walking around instead of moving with purpose. His posture isn't awful and his arms don't look stiff. I guess that's damning with faint praise, but I've seen a lot worse. He's middle of the pack, unless he learns to perform instead of just walk through the steps.
Judges? Len says Gavin coped well with a difficult dance but he was too stiff and not fluid enough. Len thinks he'll do better with the jive week. Bruno thought he was charming and gentle, but he has to learn to link the moves. And then there's a whole double entendre about being stiff that I'm just going to ignore. Carrie Ann thought his dance was tender, and she thinks he DID have good flow, but then he hyperextended his arms. He did kind of flick his arms at times, which isn't really appropriate for this dance, but it will be for the jive. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 7. Too high. Also, Brooke just said, "Exscape."
Chelsie is paired with Disney star Roshon Fegan. I have literally never heard of this guy or the show that he's on, although I have heard of Camp Rock. I'm old, and my kids are too young for his show. In rehearsal, Roshon tells Chelsie that he's a freestyle hip hop dancer, and demonstrates his moves. Unfortunately, that means that he's not used to following prescribed steps, so Chelsie has to work with him on that.
They have the cha cha. Okay, there's something really weird going on with his feet and I can't pinpoint it. I think he's just not precise in how he places them, and lets them slide around like he's moonwalking. He does actually moonwalk at one point. That said, he can really move, but it's all a little too frantic and goes by too quickly for me to judge whether or not he's doing the actual routine. It's flashy, and he could be really good, but I don't know how he will do with something like the waltz. He doesn't seem to have the strength to create a good frame.
Judges? Bruno loved how sharp he was on the beat. Carrie Ann loved his spinning and his "cool youthful flava." Stop trying to be hip, Carrie Ann. Len thought he could really dance, but Len wanted more cha cha cha. Me too, Len. Me too. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8. I guess that's fine. I seriously don't know how to score him because everything went by so quickly. And I can't get over his weird feet.
Sherri Shepherd. Oy. I have such mixed feelings about her. On the one hand, there's nothing I love more than when she said, "Haaaa-am" on 30 Rock. On the other hand, she's an idiot. I have a real problem with people who are in a position to give their opinions who are ignorant. Not just dumb, ignorant. And I'm not talking about her religious beliefs; I have no problem with that. But she has said some really ignorant things on The View, and girl, sit down and read a paper once in a while. Or a blog. Something. Read something. Anyway.
Sherri is partnered with Val. Oof, two people I don't love. Well, maybe they'll go home early. They have the foxtrot first, and Sherri is worried because she doesn't feel like she can do elegant. Also, would someone please help her find a better bra? Because she's got huge hooters and they could look so much better if she had a better bra.
She's a good performer. She's all smiles and she's having fun with it. And she IS elegant at times, despite her worries. She needs strength in her core, I think, because she wobbles a bit on the turns, and she needs more precision in her footwork. But overall, it wasn't awful.
Judges? Carrie Ann loved the joy Sherri brought to her dance. Len thought it was "fun, fun, fun." Bruno thought her timing was good, and she lit up the room. Sherri won't stop squealing and kissing people, and that's going to get old FAST. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8. Way too high. She should not be tied for first. And she's squealing and yelling about Jesus, and oh Lord.
Melissa Gilbert. There are few people who were bigger Little House fans than I was. Those of you who've followed me on this site for a while may remember my Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week segments, and they frequently featured episodes of Little House. I freaking loved that show, and Laura. (And the books, which I read first, but that's a whole other story). That said, something about Melissa Gilbert these days just rubs me the wrong way. I don't know if it's the plastic surgery or what, but she bugs me. I did read her autobiography (which is fairly juicy) and I'm still kind of meh. Win me back, Half-Pint! Anyway, her partner is Maks, and my feelings for him after last season are similarly complex, so we'll see how this goes.
They have the cha cha. Oh, poor Melissa. She's trying, bless her. But she seems really tentative when she does the steps. And her posture is bad. She dances like a Broadway dancer, not a ballroom dancer. And Maks tried to make it really sexy and she just doesn't have the goods. I was just expecting more. She does well with the facial expressions, and I bet she will do better week with a slower dance, but this was not great, especially coming after Roshon and Donald.
Judges? Len thought it needed more hip action and less flinging arms, but he appreciated that it was difficult. Bruno pretty much agrees. Carrie Ann thinks she has great potential, but her nerves or something caused her shoulders to be really high, and she needs to loosen up. She should do a shot before the show with Maria. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 7. That's more than fair.
up is the guy known as the Mexican Brad Pitt, William Levy. He's not well known here in the United States, but he is a rock star in Mexico, apparently. I've NEVER heard of this guy, but he is HOT. And his partner is Cheryl. When they met, they were already a week behind. AS they start rehearsing, William realizes that it's a lot of work, and he's not ready for it.
They have the cha cha. And there is a LOT of grinding in this dance. Cheryl's no dummy. She knows what the people want. As far as the actual dance, it's fine. It's not great. He does a lot of standing around while Cheryl dances. But the audience LOVES him. They are screaming and hooting and hollering. I think the judges will get death threats if they criticize him.
Judges? Bruno stands up and yells that he's the "hottest package of the season" and needs to wear less clothing week. Carrie Ann notes that he can dance and he partnered Cheryl well and moved well. Len thinks he captured the spirit of the cha cha. I seriously think the judges were scared to say anything negative. I would be! Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8. I feel like everyone but me watched a different dance.
Martina Navratilova is a tennis legend. Obviously, I know who she is, but I don't know much about her beyond tennis and she's a lesbian. And I expect her to be a little stiff. Her partner is Tony. When they meet, Martina confesses that she's scared of high heels and she hasn't worn a dress in twenty years. And she's insecure about trying to be feminine. Aw, I'm rooting for her.
They have the foxtrot. Martina looks fucking terrified. She can't stop looking at Tony to make sure she's doing the right thing. And while she's definitely stiff, she's not ungraceful at times. She's not going to win this thing, but it's not hard to watch her, at all. And man, is she glammed up.
Judges? Carrie Ann says that she was beautiful, and elegant, and refined, but she needs to work on her turns. Len thought it was close, but not quiet there, because it was a little too careful and she needs to attack the dance. Len's right. So we'll see how she does with the jive. Bruno tells her that she's stunning, although I'm a little uncomfortable with the "never looked better" which kind of implies that she can only be beautiful if she basically dresses in drag. But gender politics aside, Bruno says that she needs to extend her moves through her arms. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 7. That might be generous.
Katherine Jenkins is an international classical singer. I've never heard of her. I think she may have performed on this show before? I usually tune out the performances unless they're really incredible or it's someone I already know. Classical singing is not typically my bag. Her partner is Mark Ballas, who I can't stand for reasons detailed in every other weecap I've written about this show. Katherine is worried because she's used to singing but not dancing, and people in this country don't know her well.
They have the foxtrot. She's really good, but really, really bland. Like I can't point to one thing that was wrong with her performance technically, but I was bored to tears. She has no personality. Maybe I'm just tired.
Judges? Len liked her musicality and lyrical movement, but she needs to lift her upper body in hold. Bruno thought it was exquisite, stylish, and he can't see where she will go to improve in future weeks. Carrie Ann says that she and Mark looked like two pros, which is really true. But two really boring pros. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 9. Holy shit. Those are mid-season scores, for sure. Brooke says that it's the highest score ever on a premiere.
Gladys Knight. Legend. Beautiful voice. Gladys says she used to go to the Pips rehearsals and learn the routines but they wouldn't let her dance. Her partner is Tristan, who is SUPER popular on our forums. They seem to have a lot of fun in rehearsals, which is nice to see after Tristan was stuck with sourpuss Nancy Grace.
They have the cha cha. Well, Gladys has attitude to spare and a smile that lights up the room. And some of her moves are really great, but her arms and feet need some work. She kind of looks like someone's granny who was a hot number back in the day but she kept it under wraps during her child-raising years. And then at a wedding reception, she goes out on the floor and puts the young 'uns to shame with her moves. But she's still a granny. The crowd loves her, though.
Judges? Bruno says that she's got moves, class, and sass, and she's a real star. Carrie Ann says that routine made her want to get up and dance, and she's honored to have her here. Len loves that Gladys's dancing is natural and not forced, and it oozes rhythm. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8.
The final dancer tonight is Jaleel "Urkel" White. Here's what I know about him: he was Urkel. I'm assuming he's kind of over being known for only that, since he hasn't done a Neil Patrick Harris or a James van der Beek and made fun of his former persona. His partner is Kym, who is psyched that Jaleel is a natural, and not at all geeky or awkward. Um, maybe because that was a part and he's an actor? Just saying.
They have the foxtrot. They start off with some very athletic and graceful leaps, and that sets the tone for the dance. It's very smooth and very well done. In the very beginning, Jaleel gets a little ahead of the beat, but he recovers and the second half is excellent. I'm shocked.
Judges? Carrie Ann calls him "the icing on the cake" because he was so smooth. Len loved the routine, calling it elegant and sophisticated. Len also says this is the best first show of any season, and I kind of agree. Maybe not for entertainment value, but definitely for dance quality. There is real parity here, and no dead weight or clunkers. Bruno says that Jaleel reminded him of the late Gregory Hines, which is an AMAZING compliment. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 9. I agree wholeheartedly.
So, yeah. That happened. A lot of dancing, and none of it was really, really terrible, which hardly ever happens. And a lot of it was good, and even most of the ones that weren't good showed potential. So this should be an interesting season. See you week! Here are the final standings:
Katherine and Mark: 26
Jaleel and Kym: 26
William and Cheryl: 24
Jack and Anna: 23
Roshon and Chelsie: 23
Sherri and Val: 23
Gladys and Tristan: 23
Maria and Derek: 21
Donald and Peta: 21
Gavin and Karina: 20
Melissa and Maks: 20
Martina and Tony: 20