Anyone else had "Moves Like Jagger" in their head all day? Just me? I don't even LIKE Maroon 5. Although I did enjoy watching Adam Levine beam unadulterated hate-rays towards Christina Aguilera during The Voice. All of the other judges hated her. And she thought they all thought she was cute. It was awesome. Anyway. Wrong show.
I don't know if any of you bothered to watch the show on prior to this one, but man, what a waste of time. I watched it so I could bring you any important tidbits, but the only thing I learned was that Carson Kressley has a SEVERE crush on Maks (and Maks seems fine with it, because he loves himself, so why wouldn't everyone else love him too, and I mean that with love), and Rob Kardashian really is a dickhole. They showed some rehearsal footage with him and Cheryl, and Cheryl was trying to explain an 8-count and he was like, "I won't do that. I don't do math." Um, can you COUNT???? Because that's all it is, and it's the basis of all dance routines. Guh. She should have smacked him. He is the worst.
So after that wasted hour, this one opens with a pro routine to "Edge of Glory" except I think they screwed up the music cue. So then it kind of starts over. All of the pros are there, and I think the pro troupe (are we still doing that?) is involved as well. I still don't plan on learning those people's names until they make the Varsity squad. They're not even JV at this point. They're like Modified. Anyway, it's a good routine, and I always love it when the pros dance together. Because I'm a gossip, I also try to note which pros are dancing together. Like are Maks and Karina still avoiding each other after she broke off their engagement? Derek and Cheryl seem pretty close, no? I don't know about this Peta character. I keep thinking she's Lacey, due to the flying blonde hair.
I forgot to mention last night that Brooke Burke is using her married name now, so she's Brooke Burke Charvet. How long has she been married? Why now? Don't make me Google this shit. I don't care that much. Let's just move on to reviewing last night (even though they just did that in the hour). Ricki was really happy after her routine with Derek. Elisabetta was disappointed in her scores, and wants to make the finals. Did she watch herself dance at all? She thought that was deserving of a trip to the finals? I mean, maybe she improved a lot from day one, but she was still awful. And Rob Kardashian got tips from his sisters, and Khloe even yelled something out to Bruno. Are they going to do that every week? Because I think maybe they should be banned from the ballroom. Don't go yelling shit at the judges. That's trashy. Ha ha ha! I just acted like the Kardashians know anything about class and decorum. That's rich. So out of those three couples, which are safe and which are still in jeopardy? Ricki and Derek are safe, duh. So are Elisabetta and Val. Wow, really? Elisabetta didn't understand the announcement, but she's thrilled. Rob and Cheryl are in jeopardy. God, it would be great if he went home. His sisters are all booing, like that helps now. Maybe people aren't voting for him because they don't want to hear those yentas cackling in the audience every week.
In the post-announcement interviews, Val promises that he won't let Elisabetta go, according to Len's instructions. He says he'll be like Jack in Titanic. Afterwards, Tom jokes that he doesn't think Val watched Titanic all the way to the end. Ugh, that movie made me so mad. Couldn't Rose have scooched over a little? Then there's a clip package about when the contestants all met one another for the pre-show photo shoot. They all love one another! They're all awesome! Actually, Nancy Grace seems surprisingly human in this package.
Harry Connick Jr. is here to sing while Tony and Kym dance. A foxtrot? Man, these directors need to work on their lighting setup. They keep trying to show some of the band members during their solos and it's all orange and blown out. Harry looks terrible, also. I feel like he's losing his voice or something. What used to seem so effortless now seems strained. Isn't that true of all of us these days, though? I mean those of us who remember Harry Connick releasing 19 when he was just 19? God, I had such a crush on him in, like, 1989.
It's time for more results! I totally called it on Hope and Maks; she didn't spot and she got dizzy at the end. Before going on, Mark Ballas does push-ups. Even though he's wearing a full jacket. I think Kristin was ripping on him. I hope she was. And Ron/Metta thought his low scores were a little harsh. So now to the results: Hope and Maks, and Kristin and Mark are all safe. Metta/Ron and Peta are in jeopardy.
Ugh, they want me to learn about the troupe. Three of them are the same and the only one I remember is the tiny blonde Russian lady. This one Aussie dude refuses to button his shirt, so I don't like him much. I mean, all of the dudes on this show are cut. Get over yourself. Anyway, they all talk about how awesome they all are. Whatever. I still won't learn your names. Then they dance together. What does kind of interest me is that if feels like these are understudies for the actual pros. Like there's a mini-Anna, and a mini-Lacey. They're fine, I guess. It all just reeks of desperation.
LMFAO are on hand to perform "Party Rock Anthem." I am too old for these guys. Are they like Black Eyed Peas? There are a lot of them. They seem to be dressed ironically. One of them has a box on his head. Maks and Val come out to dance with Cheryl and Peta. I figured out how to tell Peta from Lacey, and this is really mean. Peta's thighs are much smaller. Oh, wait, I do know this song. Mark and Lacey are dancing together now. Why does Mark have to grab his crotch all the time? It's so gross. No one wants to see that. You guys, I think Bruno is dancing on the judges' table with Carrie Ann, and he has taken his shirt off. WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? Every time they flash over to the judges, it gets worse. I'm sure the pros (and the band) are psyched about Bruno pulling focus like that. Tom calls him "Bruno WTF Tonioli" and I'm right there with him. What was that? This show, I swear. It turns me into an old lady.
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More results. JR and Karina are psyched with their results, and Karina thinks that he nailed it. Chynna and Tony can't get over their scores, in a good way. Chaz is very mellow after his dance. It almost seems like Lacey was hoping for a bigger reaction. So who's in jeopardy out of this group? None of them. See what they did there? They saved Chaz and Lacey for last so that you'd think they were in jeopardy, but they aren't. Everyone on the stage has a group hug. Aw. I feel like they all support Chaz, who has gotten a lot of shit from some corners.
Time for the final group of results. David screwed up during his dance, and actually said, "Oooh shit!" Carson got his Jagger on, and they actually did the encore dance during the hour. And it was super fun, if technically terrible. Nancy Grace said that she's just happy she didn't fall down. Wow, that would have been an instant ticket to gifdom. Anyway, who from this group is in jeopardy? Nancy and Tristin. So that means Carson and Anna and David and Kym are safe.
Okay, so the show's running long which means they're going to get right to it. One of these couples is going home: Nancy and Tristin, Rob and Cheryl, or Metta/Ron and Pete. I kind of home Metta goes home just so I don't have to deal with his name. Selfish, I know. Anyway, Rob and Cheryl are safe. Oof. Well, based on dancing alone, he wasn't the worst. Although that was Elisabetta, and she's not even in jeopardy. Tom emphasizes that these are not necessarily the bottom two. Because of the new stage, the last two couples have to come down some stairs, but that gives Len a chance to say nothing about who should go home. He basically says it's sad to see anyone go home after only one dance, because you never know if they could have improved. So who's going home? Metta and Peta. Well, I got my wish. Metta is cheering. Does he understand that he's going home? And poor Peta, who only lasted one week in her first season. Metta takes Brooke's microphone, which is probably an improvement. He is really, really happy to be leaving. Ooh, week is the quickstep or the jive. Are they going back to having everyone do one of two dances? Because I like that setup; I feel it's easier to compare when everyone is doing the same routine. Presumably those who did waltz this week will do jive week? Anyway, goodbye Metta/Ron. And see everyone week.
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