Ooh, a new set! It looks like... something. There are now three levels of audience, which probably means more people to yell and scream and whatnot. The set and lighting looks very old-fashioned, like a jukebox from the '50s. The competitors enter, as usual, by walking down a long staircase. I'm going to save my comments about each couple for their dance, but I do have to mention that I don't know what Ron "Metta World Peace" Artest is up to, but he's ruining the flow of the entrance with his shenanigans. Oh, this first night is my favorite. Someone will be terrible. Someone will be surprisingly good. Probably someone will fall down or otherwise embarrass him or herself. Who will fall into each category? There's only one way to find out. Let's do it.
First up tonight is Ron Artest who, at least tonight, is going by his original name. If he makes it far in the competition, you know he will make them call him Metta World Peace and that is going to crack me up. How will they put that up on the scoreboard? Mr. Peace? His partner is one of the new dancers, Peta. She's pretty, but generic. Ron looks like a Dennis Rodman clone, right down to the bleached hair and the weird clothes. Anyway, he's a basketball player. He's doing this for his daughter, who survived cancer. Okay, now I feel bad making fun of him. As they start rehearsing, Peta is worried that Ron is too tall and stiff, and to his credit, when he watches video of himself, he sees that it's not good. So he's already ten steps ahead of Kate Gosselin.
So here is their cha cha cha. Well, he is tall and stiff. Peta was correct there. He seems to hit most of the steps for the first two thirds of the routine, but his hip action is awful and he's got no musicality. He does have personality to spare, but I just don't feel like people ever learn hip action. They either get it naturally, or they don't. He looked like an old arthritic white man out there, which is not a great start. And it was weirdly low energy for the first dancer on the first night. The pros were that he remembered the routine (hey, the bar is low in the first week) and he did try to project fun to the audience. To the judges, and can I add a sidebar here? I'm so grateful that the show hasn't tried to mix up the judges. They ruined Idol with that bullshit. This show messes with everything BUT the judges, and thank you. Len thinks they did too much faffing about and not enough cha cha. Bruno thought it was wild but he can improve with his technique. Carrie Ann liked "the fun factor" but thought it was lacking technique also. I always skip the Brooke interviews unless something shocking happens because Brooke is useless. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 4 and Bruno 5. That seems about right.
up is Rob Kardashian. As far as I'm concerned, he's useless, too. While I can sort of appreciate the Kardashians for having something that the American public... enjoys? Responds to? Likes to laugh about? Okay, I don't get the Kardashians AT ALL, except I kind of dig Khloe for some reason. But this guy? Useless. I even like Brody Jenner! And I can't get behind Rob. But maybe he will win me over? Aaaaaand, I just watched his rehearsal footage and he won't. He's lazy, and not even trying, which was the same problem that Kim had on this show. She was so afraid of looking dumb that she never let loose and just danced. Rob's rehearsal footage is horrendous, although I did enjoy watching Cheryl yell at him.
Was that it? Will he be awful? Let's watch his Viennese waltz and find out. He has really, really good arm extension, which helps a lot. His footwork is terrible. No, make that TURRRRIBLE. Like Charles Barkley style terrible. Cheryl is no dummy, though, and she puts in lots and lots of arm waves and very little footwork. And he smiles, which is nice, but he licks his lips a lot, which is creepy. Judges: Bruno think Rob looked petrified and needs to let go and feel the music. Carrie Ann disagrees and thinks there were things to like and things he needs to work on. Len agrees that it wasn't all bad, and they all mention that his arms were good. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, Bruno 5. Hmm. That was actually a little lower than I thought it might be, but not crazy.
Kristin Cavallari. Despite watching most seasons of The Hills and Laguna Beach (I even recapped it for a while), I don't have strong feelings about her. I kind of liked her in the last season of Laguna; I thought she had spunk. I didn't watch when LC left The Hills and she came on because of a personal Speidi boycott, so I don't know about that. She seems kind of real. As real as a reality star can be, I guess. But here's the problem. She's partnered with Mark and I HAAAAAAATE Mark Ballas. Kristin looks good in the rehearsal footage, so her cha cha should be interesting, if Mark choreographed it well and isn't just going to show off his stupid moves.
Kristin has a pretty smile. I'll say that for her. Her moves are okay, but there's something weird going on with her legs. I don't know if she's not bending her knees at the right times, but her legs look like they are going to snap in two any second. She looks like a newborn colt. And she's not placing her feet decisively. She does well with the arm and head movements, and she can shake her butt, but Mark clearly choreographed around her weak footwork because the whole second half of the routine, she's just standing there and not moving, which doesn't seem very cha cha. Judges? Carrie Ann compliments her figure, and says she thinks Kirstin has great potential, but she needs to work on not shuffling her feet around when she's supposed to be standing still. Len liked that it was full of choreography, but he thought Kristin went more all out in rehearsal than she did on the ballroom floor. Bruno thinks that Kristin needs to fix her turns and she needs to hit the moves with precision, but she's got the hotness in spades. Totally agree with the judges there. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6 and Bruno 6. That's fair, since they have to give them room to improve.
Oh, I so wanted to be Chynna Phillips back in the day. I loved her short hair, and she got to sing for a living, and she was married to the super-hot Billy Baldwin. I actually saw them in person -- Mama Baldwin lives in Syracuse and the family is spotted around town now and then. Some of them came into the bookstore where I worked during the holidays and my husband helped Chynna find some children's books. He said she was unnaturally beautiful in person, though this was fifteen years ago, to be fair. Anyway, I'm bound to like her, even though I'm not the world's biggest Tony fan, and he's her partner. Plus, she's a total klutz in rehearsal. I actually don't mind Tony until he gets all, "They are scoring us unfairly," which bugs me.
They will be doing the Viennese waltz. She's incredibly graceful, and when she's dancing on her own, it's amazing. There's something weird about her posture in hold, though. It's not terrible, it's just...weird. It's the one thing that keeps her from looking like a pro, but I can't pinpoint it. But when she's not in hold, she looks really great, and has amazing balance for someone who is over 40. She must do a lot of yoga. Len says it wasn't the best Viennese waltz he's ever seen, but it was up there. Bruno loved the musicality and character, although she had a few moments of unsteadiness, which were probably due to nerves. Carrie Ann thought it was gorgeous and agrees that any wobbliness was due to nerves. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7 and Bruno 7. Again, they have to give them room to improve. That same routine in a few weeks would have gotten 9s easily.
Ooh, y'all. Nancy Grace is up . The stylists have curled her hair a bit and it makes her whole face look younger and prettier. She should wear her hair like that at all times. That severe bob she usually rocks makes her look all pinchy. I have never been a Nancy Grace fan. My best friend is easily influenced, and when her kids were young, she was always convinced they were five seconds from being kidnapped. I finally talked to her about it, and she admitted to watching Nancy Grace every night. I told her to STOP WATCHING -- I think I said, "Don't feed the fire," and her anxiety about it totally disappeared. I'm sure she's not the only one, and I think Ms. Grace does not actually raise awareness; I think she creates false anxiety. But that's a thesis for another day. However, that being said, she's kind of charming in her rehearsal footage. She's real. If this version of her personality were on her show every night, well, I wouldn't watch it, but I might hate it less.
Nancy starts off sitting behind a desk, wearing a blazer. She stands up and sheds the blazer, revealing a magnificent rack. And when the dancing starts, she actually has a decent sense of rhythm. There are two major issues: her moves aren't big enough, and she forgets the choreography. But those could both be improved. I don't think she'll win or anything, but she could last a few weeks. Right now, she looks like your middle-aged aunt who gets out on the dance floor after a few drinks at a family wedding and everyone is like, "Hey, who knew?" She's really light on her feet and has some musicality. It's no trainwreck. It's not great, but she's no Kate Gosselin, at all. Judges? Bruno says that she's got the moves, but she needs more confidence. Carrie Ann loves her spunk and sass, but she has to remember the steps. Len thinks she needs more flair and attack to add to her precision. The judges start arguing amongst themselves so we don't hear the rest of it. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5 and Bruno 6.
David Arquette is dancing with Kym. He tells her that he's been sober for eight months and he wants to be present and connected and romantic. Kym is super excited about how good he is at the Viennese waltz, and she loves how much he focuses during rehearsal. He might be really good, you guys. Let's see.
He's pretty good! He has great arm movements, so important in the waltz, and he has a flair for the dramatic. He does seem to lose the footwork about halfway through and just starts running around the floor in order to be where he's supposed to be at certain points, but he has great potential. And he looks like a movie star. You forget that he's handsome, because he's such a dork. Good for him. Who knew I was rooting for David Arquette? But I am. Courteney Cox is in the audience for him, along with Paul Reubens, I think? Interesting. Judges: Carrie Ann liked his vulnerability, and he needs to relax a little bit and let go. Len loved that they had a traditional start without any messing about, but when he made mistakes, he showed it in his face. Bruno thinks he needs to use his acting skills to stay in character for the whole dance. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6 and Bruno 6.
Elisabetta Canalis has done some things but everyone in this country knows her because she dated George Clooney. Her partner is Maks's little brother, Val. And lest you think that he doesn't want to be identified as such, he mentions Maks every time he's on camera. Neither of them has English as a first language, so that's interesting. And they're doing the cha cha.
So they start out in a bed, and take way too long to get into the dance. Len is going to hate that. But once they do, you can see why Val was trying to eat up time, because she's not good. He puts in as many poses as possible, because she has impossibly long legs and is very flexible, but she can't dance. Not only that, she has no performance skills, so she looks at her feet most of the time. Oof. Poor Val. I don't love him, but he deserves better in his first season. Judges? Len didn't like the malarkey with the bed, and he thought Elisabetta lost confidence out of hold. Bruno thought she was good in hold, but she needs to learn to perform. Carrie Ann advises her to act like she does as a model but also dance. I don't think Elisabetta understood a word of that. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5 and Bruno 5. I thought that was a little high, honestly. She didn't show me anything.
They're really pushing this brother vs. brother thing, and honestly, I don't think anyone cares. Maks is partnered with Hope Solo, soccer player. They struggle in rehearsal because they have the Viennese waltz, which requires feminine elegance, and Hope is all muscles and brawn. Seriously, her arms are huge. And good for her. But it can make for some tough lines.
Maks gets right to the dancing, which Len will love. And he put these floaty fabric pieces on Hope's arms, which helps disguise the muscle. But her arms aren't bad! They're not as good as Chynna's, but they're not bad. Her footwork is actually really good. They do this turn in the middle, and I think Hope forgets to spot or doesn't know how, because she looks really dizzy afterwards. Like they walk off at the end, and she's kind of stumbling. But overall, she was better than I thought she would be. Judges? Bruno thinks she has great control and strength, but she needs to work on her control, and he thinks she has a great future. Carrie Ann saw a good connection when they were in hold, and her lines were really good. Len liked her posture and movement, and needs to work on her fluidity and movement. Then there's a bit with Bruno and Maks that I didn't catch. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7 and Bruno 7. They are thrilled and surprised with those scores.
I love Carson Kressley. Remember Queer Eye? That show flamed out (no pun intended) faster than anything. Carson makes a little dig at the fact that he's paired with a woman and not a man, and then, you guys, his rehearsal footage is not that good. I'm worried. He seems to have no innate grace. He's awkward and bird-like. Oh, dear.
So they have the cha cha. And it doesn't start well. They're dancing to "Moves Like Jagger" and Carson is all over the place. His steps are too big, and his arms are too wide and he's just flailing about. But he is having SO MUCH FUN. And that is fun to watch, even if the technique isn't there. He throws in some Jagger moves, which I loved, and after that segment, he reins it in a bit. If he can somehow figure out how to channel his energy into his face and not his arms and legs, he might be okay. But that was terrible, technique-wise. Carrie Ann says it was her favorite dance on the night, and she loved his sparkle, even if he had no technique. Len saw Jagger, swagger and stagger, and he loved watching him have fun and embracing the dance. Bruno thought it was outrageous fun. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5 and Bruno 6. They get some boos from the audience, but it was fair.
JR Martinez was in the Army and was injured in Iraq, including severe burns to his face. He's now on a soap, and admits that he has had 33 surgeries and he's proud of his scars. Look, I don't go in for that sappy inspirational crap, but that is fucking amazing. He's partnered with Karina, and she's excited to work with him. They do have a lot of spills during rehearsals, though.
Their Viennese waltz is to "Breakway" by Kelly Clarkson, which is one of my favorite songs. Shut up. I like it. Wow, he's really good. Really, really good. Like, I don't really see any major flaws in their routine, other than they might have an illegal lift. But wow. I thought that was really good. Len thinks JR stands for just right, and he's sure JR will be back week. Bruno can't believe how well he did for someone who never danced before, and he's one of the best tonight. Carrie Ann was touched by the performance, and he connected with the audience. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7 and Bruno 7. He's tied with Chynna; I think he will do better with the Latin than she will.
Derek is back! I'm kind of excited. He's with Ricki Lake, who kind of seems more interested in losing weight than dancing. But she also admits she's intimidated by Derek's former partners. I mean, who wouldn't be intimidated by Shannon Elizabeth? Ha, just kidding. Ricki knows she'll be compared to Jennifer Grey, and that's a tough comparison.
Their Viennese waltz is very pretty but kind of conventional. It needed something more to differentiate it from Chynna's, which was memorable. This seemed pedestrian. Ricki does a great job of showing her emotion in her face, but she has to watch her posture and her expressions need to be bigger. But her footwork is good, and she is graceful, so that's something. Judges? Bruno thought it was beautiful, and Carrie Ann thought the connected really well and seemed as one. Len didn't like her footwork but he did like the elegance and fluidity. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6 and Bruno 7.
The final dance is the one that everyone's been waiting for, Chaz Bono. Here's what I have to say about the controversy: who gives a shit? Can he dance? That's what I care about, and I don't get why anyone gets upset about the body he was born with versus the body he has now, and what parts he has. He's partnered with Lacey, which is probably good for him, because she's goofy. Chaz admits that he's overweight and struggles with that.
So weight and gender issues aside, how is the dancing? It starts out a little rough, but he seems VERY nervous. And who wouldn't be after the media coverage this week? His footwork is decent, though, and he has a ton of energy and a great attitude. And he's not AWFUL or anything. I think he will do well with the quickstep or something more regimented. He does better in the second half, when Lacey seems to rein him back in. And he has tears in his eyes at the end, and fuck off, because that's touching. That was huge for him, to go on a highly-rated show and expose himself to potential ridicule. I hate how I talk myself into rooting for people like Chaz and David Arquette. Anyway. Judges? Carrie Ann knows that people have been waiting to see this, and he can dance. She liked his footwork and his joy. Len thinks Chaz came out to enjoy himself, and he did. He had good footwork and a great attitude. Bruno thinks Chaz was cute and cuddly, and he had great timing as well. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5 and Bruno 6.
Unlike the last few seasons, someone is going home tomorrow night. I think it will be Elisabetta, but who knows? Here are the scores:
Chynna and Tony: 22
JR and Karina: 22
Hope and Maks: 21
Ricki and Derek: 20
Kristin and Mark: 19
David and Kym: 18
Carson and Anna: 17
Chaz and Lacey: 17
Rob and Cheryl: 16
Nancy and Tristan: 16
Elisabetta and Val: 15
Ron and Peta: 14