It's the finale! The winner will be crowned! And the whole time I will be sitting here with my fingers crossed that one of my twins doesn't wake up and require care, so I can get this bloated two-hour mess recapped and submitted before tomorrow morning! Although, if you don't mind, I'm going to uncross my fingers, because otherwise typing is difficult.
Oh my God, this opening is so cheesy. First of all, the music is a straight-up Explosions in the Sky rip-off (I'm assuming the show didn't pay for the real thing) so all of a sudden I'm wishing I were watching one of the entire season's worth of Friday Night Lights episodes I have recorded and haven't had time to watch yet. Anyway. Tom very seriously intones a script that is barely a step above the middle school debate club tactic of "Webster's Dictionary defines a journey as..." Like they have the definition on the screen and everything. And then we're supposed to think very hard about how difficult it has been for these stars, who are being paid tens of thousands of dollars, to dance. Look, one thing I usually enjoy about this show is that it doesn't take itself very seriously. Until now.
The show opens with a number featuring all of the eliminated pros plus the pro troupe (I guess? I still don't recognize them but there are some extra pros, so I guess that's who they are). Then all of the eliminated celebrities join their pro and they each get a little moment in the sun. I am reminded why some of the early eliminees were eliminated so early.
Tom and Brooke welcome us to the show. Brooke reminds us that the finalists have one more dance, which the judges will score. Generally, they give all three of them the same score though, but last season they didn't. I don't know that a point or two from the judges will make a difference at this point, will it? I was never much good at math, especially when there are percentages involved.
Let's look back at last night! Chelsea got high scores for her samba, and then had to get wired up for the stupid hand and foot lights that Mark concocted. They don't show it, but apparently the battery pack for Chelsea's lights came unfastened and nearly fell out her pant leg, so the whole time she was dancing, she was hoping it wouldn't go flying off and whack Mark or an audience member in the head. That kind of makes her dance more impressive.
Then Maks and Kirstie also did a samba. People on the forums were mentioning that Maks seems a little disconnected these past few weeks, and I totally see it. I don't know if he's tired, or tired of Kirstie, or what's going on. Anyway, they didn't get great scores.
Hines and Kym did an awesome quickstep, even though Len didn't love it. I kind of like on these recaps when they show the footage from the camera behind the judges, so you get to see what the judges see. That's interesting. I'd like to see a whole dance from that perspective sometime.
The Black Eyed Peas are here to sing "Don't Stop the Party." Man, they have a song formula and they just stick to it and it totally works, doesn't it? I don't mean that the songs are necessarily good; just that they are ubiquitous. The back-up dancers are doing the Mark/Chelsea light-up gloves thing. I mean, I know Mark didn't invent it AT ALL, just that it seems funny to see it the night after Mark used it in his freestyle. I actually like Fergie's outfit tonight. She looks like Judy Jetson. That whole song was... kind of boring. I kept expecting it to built to something and then nothing really happened. Snore.
This clip package (the first of many, I'm sure) is the judges talking about how awesome each of the finalists is and how crazy this season has been. Except none of the finalists are all that awesome, and the season hasn't been that crazy. The judges talk about how great Chelsea has been, but don't get into why she hasn't run away with the season -- because Mark sucks. Then they claim that Hines is the best football player the show's seen. I think he does have better technique than Emmitt but I thought Emmitt was more consistent. Kirstie gets into the character and overcomes adversity. They don't bring up how she always makes the same weird face. The judges add that there's no clear leader, mostly because there aren't any ringers this season. Which was interesting and a nice change, but also... kind of boring? Like I don't know that I've really seen a 10-worthy dance this season. The three finalists come out and stand on a platform. This is kind of like the Hunger Games. The movie's producers should take note of the set design.
There's a funny video clip with Mike Catherwood pretending to audition for the pro troupe. He's predictably awful, but I actually did chuckle a few times. And then he's dancing live with the pro troupe. Well, "dancing." Then Lacey comes out and finishes the routine with him. He mostly stands or kneels while Lacey dances around him. I wish his humor had been on display more, but I'm glad that I didn't have to watch him try to dance any more. He does have an amazing body, and he showcases it in a tight leotard. So that happened.
Let's look back at the beginning of the season. Remember that? Kendra wasn't as bad as I remember. Wendy Williams was as annoying as I remember. Man, Ralph's quickstep in the first week was really great. What happened to him? He just got more and more tense every week. Anyway, after that review of the first two weeks, Petra and Dmitry are back to do their waltz again. She was really eliminated too early. She shouldn't have been a finalist, but she should have made it more than halfway. Ha, I was sitting her listening to "You Raise Me Up" and thinking, "Boy, the house band's singer is no Josh Groban." And then they cut to the sing and it was Josh Groban. I am a dummy.
Kendra is back to dance with Louis (and the rest of the male pros, I guess?). Having her dance with all of the male pros doesn't really do much if she's trying to shake her past reputation, does it? I mean, go ahead and be sexy and whatever. You go, girl. But if she's trying to be all, "I'm a mom now, not a stripper," well. She should just embrace the whole thing. Be a stripper mom. Her poor kid. Here's a shocker -- there's a lot of booty popping. And she almost falls off the judges' table.
Remember classical music week? I actually really liked that. More of that, please. Less of the freestyles and whatnot. Then there was patriotic week, which I missed because I was on vacation. Then it was Guilty Pleasures week, which is when Ralph really went nuts with the Face of Intensity and Possibly Constipation. And Karina fell. And he STILL didn't get eliminated.
So who's dancing now? They are pairing up Sugar Ray and Chris Jericho. Sugar Ray and Anna dance first, doing the paso doble. Sugar Ray is seriously just jogging around the floor, bless his heart. Then Chris Jericho comes out and his paso is pretty awesome until the end when he throws Cheryl across the floor and nearly wipes out. Didn't they do this fight thing before? I'm feeling like I saw this fight thing before, but my memory is failing me. I wish Chris Jericho got to do a solo routine. Then Chris busts out a Bruno impersonation that is scarily accurate and Bruno pretends to make out with him. This just took a turn for the hilarious. They should let Chris Jericho take Brooke's job. Except for his other full-time job.
Wendy Williams isn't going to dance, I guess. Thank God. Instead, she's interviewing... herself and Tony? And it's not in HD, which is lame. She makes a joke about how Mark wears a lot of eyeliner. And then how Kirstie would make a good drinking partner. Isn't Kirstie sober? Good one, Wendy. And then she says that Hines is hot. WTF was that? Seriously. WTF?
The Go-Gos are going to play "We Got the Beat," and they rock for some old broads. The audience chose Maks, Lacey, Cheryl, and Chelsie to perform the routine. Why so many people? Was there a tie? Is it a group dance? The whole thing is weird. I would have rather that the three women danced without Maks, because those three together are hot.
Romeo is back to dance for "kids everywhere." Is Brooke making fun of him? I wish that she were, and not just reading off the prompter. Anyway, he and Chelsie dance to "The Greatest Love of All." Romeo doesn't give a shit about the kids, right? This is just what someone told him to say that he would sound good? I'm not even going to Google it or anything, because I'm sure he spends his days working for a children's charity and then I'll feel like a juicebox. Ooh, they brought out a kids' choir. He does know that he can't win at this point, doesn't he? In his post-dance interview, Romeo reveals that he doesn't have a kids' charity, so I'm a juicebox.
Let's review the past two weeks. Ralph hurt his knee but had to dance anyway, and then the week, he got eliminated. And then Kym nearly broke her neck and the producers actually show restraint for once and don't show the incident again. Plus the finalists all did really well.
Ralph and Karina are back to do an encore of their quickstep from a few weeks ago. I think this was the week that Ralph was injured? In the beginning, when he's not in hold, Ralph looks better than he ever has. Once they go into hold, he stiffens up and doesn't look as good. And then he does a solo spot and it's once again better than he's done all season. I think he just can't dance in hold. He moves so gracefully when he's dancing alone. I know he's done some work on Broadway, but I hope this gets him some more, because he would be great in, like, a revival of Guys and Dolls or something.
The editors put together a sort-of rap number featuring comments from the judges. Okay, then. Tom interviews each of the finalists. Chelsea admits that she wants to win but that she's honored to be there with Kirstie and Hines. Kirstie will be revisiting a dance she did the first week, and she's looking forward to it. Hines says that he wants to join Emmitt Smith as the NFL dancing champion. Well, that killed a few minutes.
Finally, we are getting to the final dances. Mark and Chelsea go first. They have to revisit their favorite dance of the season and after a little discussion, they decide to revisit their Wizard Waltz, but put in more traditional movements so that Len will be pleased as well. In their final rehearsal, last night, they both start crying because they will miss the experience. So their waltz starts and my original opinion holds true: it's a cool routine, and fun to watch, but it still featured Mark a lot more than it featured Chelsea. I mean, she just stood there and waved her arms around (gracefully, I might add) while he did all the weird stunts and stuff. Len knows that sometimes his comments this season disappointed them, but Chelsea is a fantastic dancer. Bruno says they are all under her spell, and she's so consistent and proficient. Carrie Ann thinks that everyone knows who Chelsea is now, even if they didn't before. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. They are psyched about Len's 10, because he so often held that back from them. But seriously, everyone is getting 10s tonight unless they really screw up.
Kirstie and Maks are dancing . Kirstie wants to do the cha cha because it's sentimental, since it was their first dance. Plus she wants to show that her dress is half the size she was in her first week, not to mention that she has more strength and technique. Just like I said last night, I kind of wish they would show the first version and then have them dance the new version. Anyway, Kristie looks amazing. She really does. She's not the best dancer, but I can see how people are inspired by her "journey" this season. And she looks like she's having a lot of fun out there, which goes far. When the dance ends, they cut to Mark and Chelsea watching. Chelsea is smiling and hooting, and Mark looks pissed off. I hate him. Bruno tells her that she's never been better. Carrie Ann thinks Kirstie is authentic and maybe a little magic. Len thinks Kirstie is resilient and has improved her weaknesses, and this was her best dance. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Of course. They don't want more accusations that tonight's scores changed the order of the finalists. I don't know what's going on with Kirstie's dress or underwear but she keeps grabbing at it like it's falling apart.
And finally, Hines and Kym. Ralph is sitting in the front row of the audience, still wearing his fedora. He can take that off now. Anyway, Hines and Kym are going to do their samba. Well chosen. Hines is moving and grooving , like always, and his hip action is great, but his feet are kind of terrible. Whatever, the judges will give them 10s. It's not like he's going to get better week. After his routine, he runs over and kisses his mom and she shoos him away, which was hilarious. The crowd goes wild. Carrie Ann says that the crowd is right. Wait, why is Sarah Palin there? Is Bristol there? What is going on? Anyway, Carrie Ann is really impressed with Hines as a dancer and a person. Len thinks Hines brings every dance to life. Bruno calls Hines a charming dazzler and Mr. Irresistible. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10.
Sara Evans performs while the finalists stand on stage and images of their dances from the season play behind them. I'm glad when they switch from that view to just showing us the highlights themselves. Although I did watch this whole season, so I don't know that I need to see the highlights again. But whatever. They've got some time to kill. I get it.
So now they're going to eliminate one of the finalists. I seriously have no idea who is going to end up third. Anyway, that third place finisher is...Chelsea and Mark. Wow. I'm kind of shocked. I guess she just didn't have the fanbase, since she was definitely the best dancer. I really think that she would have finished higher with a different partner, though. I bet she would have won it with Derek, because his fanbase could make up for hers.
Okay, so now it's down to two couples: Kirstie and Maks or Hines and Kym. It's got to be Hines, right? Kirstie's a bigger name, but Hines has got that sports fanbase. Although the demographics of this show are probably more aligned with Kirstie's fanbase. Could go either way. So who are the winners? Hines and Kym. Well, that was something. I mean, Chelsea was the best dancer, but she just didn't have much personality, and I think people vote for personality. And Steelers allegiance. And Hines just seemed like a nice guy. Whoa, Maks looks PISSED. I bet he wants to leave the show and wanted to go out with a win. Just my speculation. When Maks knows that the camera is on him, he smiles. He reminds everyone that this was his tenth season. Yeah, he's totally leaving. At least until he goes out in the off season to do whatever and realizes that this is a pretty good gig.
Anyway, Hines gets his trophy and Chelsea is one of the first to congratulate him. Hey, the show comes back on my birthday, September 19th! See you then!
Watching the winning pair show off their moves for Regis and Kelly.