The rock and roll violinist is back to play "Walk This Way" with the orchestra. He still hasn't shaved. Did he forget to pack a razor? Oh, he's also wearing untied combat boots. That's so edgy. In 1992. When Singles came out. I hate when people try to be edgy in a really square profession, which is probably why Mark Ballas bugs the everloving fuck out of me. Like just own that you have a cheesy job, but you do it really well and it's uncool but so what? It's cooler to go whole hog into an uncool thing than to try to make something that's inherently uncool (violin, ballroom dancing) edgy and modern. That's what I think. Oh, the pro troupe dances to the song. I probably should mention that.
Brooke and Tom welcome us and then we launch right into the rehash of last night. They show Mark's stupid sorting hat again and I want to knock it off his head. He is the WORST! I want to punch his smug little face. I hate that Mark and Chelsea were the top scorers of the night. Hines and Kym did well, and Hines was cheered on by some of his teammates. Ralph and Karina did a lovely waltz. A friend who claims to know these things tells me that Ralph does NOT wear a hairpiece. So I will stop saying that he does. But he should really hire a better hairdresser then, because his hair looks like a wig, and that's not good. Anyway, after the break, we will learn the fates of those three couples.
After the break, Brooke and Tom are ready to tell us if Chelsea, Hines, and Ralph are safe. Turns out that Ralph is safe, and so is Hines. Kym is shocked. Really? She's shocked? Chelsea and Mark are in jeopardy. This is so dumb. This "jeopardy" thing means nothing. It means that the producers decided that these two should wait to hear their results. Unless they're going home (which I doubt), they might have even received the most votes of anyone. We don't know. Dumb. And a cheap ploy. Anyway, these two are doing the encore dance. Here's the thing: Chelsea is a lovely dancer. I don't know if she's technically better than the rest, because Mark doesn't give her enough to do. He keeps all eyes on himself with flashy stunts and gives himself all the interesting parts. So she might be awesome, but how would I know? As far as I've seen, she handles some pretty basic choreography very well. Could she do more? That's up to Mark to let us see.
Then there's a clip package where Len pretends to be Patton and stands in front of a giant flag (or green screen) and addresses all of the contestants (who are dressed in fatigues). He announces that week is All-American Week, and they'll be doing patriotic dances. This was a lot funnier when Adam Carolla did it. This is just boring. Snore. Also, I'm pretty sure Kendra wasn't in that footage. She was the only one. The others were all there. What do you think that means? Nothing? What did she have to do that was more important?
Jennifer Hudson is there to perform "I Remember Me." She has some very, very high heels on. Like she can barely walk, and she's starting in the audience and walking out across the dance floor, which might not have been her best idea. I'm really worried she might fall. She finally gets to the stage and Louis and Karina come out to do a samba while she sings. I will say that those heels make Jennifer Hudson's legs look eight miles long.
Brooke is backstage to talk to some more contestants. Romeo says he's going to do research for his dance because he's a college student. Brooke just lets that go. WTF is he talking about? Brooke asks Petra how she and Dmitry (furriners) will be able to handle American week. Petra says they'll ask for help. God, these questions are dumb. Chris Jericho at least makes jokes about how he wishes his scores were better, but he also wishes the economy was better and what are you gonna do? Quick flashback to last night: Jericho was happy that his scores were not going down from weeks. Romeo and Chelsie thought they were connecting, and were disappointed by Carrie Ann's score, which was a 7. Petra whatever. I mean, she seems very nice and sweet, but she's kind of boring. So which of these three are safe? Chris Jericho! Romeo! But Petra is in jeopardy. Meaningless.
I thought we were done with the Macy's Stars of Dance now that we have the pro troupe? Guess not, because up, we have some ballerinas or something. But first! Brooke and her cue card (she needs a card for these dumb questions) have to go backstage and interview Kirstie, Sugar Ray and Kendra. Kirstie and Maks are their typical selves, although less awkward than last week. They seem to be taking the attitude of, "What can we do? Can you believe this shit?" which is probably the best tack. Sugar Ray thinks he did a good job. Kendra says she was off because she got her period. No, she really said that. First of all, women blaming their period is the reason why we haven't had a woman president yet. As if Kendra didn't set the women's movement back a million years by every other action she's ever taken, now this. Gah.
Clip package. What inspires the pros to choregraph their routines? They feel a lot of pressure to innovate since the audiences have seen it all at this point. They watch movies. They teach classes. They look at other types of dancing. They try to tell a story. They take risks. They want to win. Thanks for more useless information. Seriously, some weeks could the results show just be thirty minutes? When they don't have anything to fill it?
1 2 3 4
A bunch of important ballerinas are here to perform a piece from Swan Lake. Did y'all see Black Swan? That was some freaky shit. I think it gave me an eating disorder. Oh shit, y'all. The black swan just came out on stage. Do you think she's having sex with the male dancer in real life? Because that's what I took away from that movie. If you're not having sex with the male dancer in real life, you can't be the black swan. I would imagine every ballet dancer is annoyed by Black Swan because now they get even more dumb questions from their relatives during the holidays. Like me. I would ask dumb questions. Anyway, ballet. It's pretty.
Jennifer Hudson is back to sing "Feeling Good." Seriously, her legs look amazing. Is she still with her baby's father? I wasn't too sure about that dude. But her baby is cute. Don't mind me. I'm just chatting with myself about Jennifer Hudson. I'm going to find out if she's still with her boyfriend. Oh, they're "engaged." That's been going on for a long time. And he's a pro wrestler. Thanks, Google! I still think she could do better, but I'm happy she's still with her baby's dad. As always, she sounds amazing.
More review of last night's shenanigans. Kirstie's shoe came off. I don't know if you heard. But seriously, I can't believe she got her toes back into the front part without breaking the shoe or something. Anyway, it really got her flustered and discouraged, but Maks helped her to laugh about it. Sugar Ray wasn't sure if it was a compliment when Len called him a "sugar plum fairy." I think he's concentrating too much on the fairy part and not seeing the ballet allusion. Louis was PISSED at Kendra after she said she didn't care about elegance. Whoo, girl! Kendra was at least embarrassed about it. But was she embarrassed by what she said or how poorly she danced? Was she on painkillers for cramps or something? She was really weird.
So out of Kendra, Sugar Ray and Kirstie, who is safe? Kirstie is safe, and Maks is psyched. And you know who else is safe? Kendra. I think she didn't even realize they said she was safe for a minute. And she shouldn't be safe. But she is. So Sugar Ray is "in jeopardy." I think he's going home, y'all.
So the three still "in jeopardy," which is meaningless since they are not the bottom three necessarily (or even probably), are Petra, Chelsea and Sugar Ray. And Petra is safe. Really? Are we really supposed to think that Chelsea and Mark might go home? I kind of feel like the producers just did this to eff with Mark. And Sugar Ray is going home.
1 2 3 4
Sugar Ray tells Brooke that he understands that it's life, and it's been a blessing to be on the show and meet the people. Tom says that he and Len agreed that Sugar Ray has been the heart of the show. Sugar Ray adds that he has loved being on the show and he will cherish the moments. Anna seems really grateful. I think she enjoyed this. As Sugar Ray does his final dance, you can see Kirstie and Kendra chatting in the background. I would die to know what they're saying.
Discuss the episode in our forums, then see who we think will win. And see why our vloggers think they need to step up casting on the show, below.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
1 2 3 4