By Kim
This is the end. My long lost friend, the end. Seriously, this season has lasted longer than the conflict in Viet Nam, hasn't it? I've developed a heroin addiction and I suddenly love The Doors. SOMEONE HELP ME!
The show opens with a clip package about three very different individuals who started this challenge 14 weeks ago and are now wondering if what they gave was enough. People. It's not the Olympics. It's a tacky trophy on a meaningless reality show. In a year, people won't even remember who won, will they? I barely remember who won each season, and I wrote about each and every episode. Sometimes when they talk about former champions, I'm like, "That's who won that season?" or "That person was a finalist?"
After the theme music, a gaggle of pros (isn't that the proper terminology? A flock? A murder?) dance down the stairs. I think it's all the pros from this season that aren't in the finals. They open with the group dance moves from Dirty Dancing -- you know, at the end of the movie, when Johnny leads the dancers into the auditorium where Baby is standing on the stage, twirling her skirts and smiling? That sequence. I see Cheryl, Karina, Anna and Chelsie. I thought there was another female dancer, but I guess not. They keep moving around, and it's hard to tell. The guys are Tony, Louis, Corky and Maks. The pros leave the stage and The Hoff is back, followed by all of the eliminated stars from this season, each with his or her partner. Except for Audrina, who has the flu. Then the three finalists come out and join their pro partners and it's kind of a group dance and kind of chaos. I hope the eliminated people get to do more than that short segment; I always enjoy getting to see them come back and try one more time. Margaret Cho looks fantastic, by the way. I follow her on Twitter and she's been looking for trainers to help her work out in each city while she's on a comedy tour, and it shows. The camera focuses in on each pro in turn, so they all have to hold their final pose for an awkwardly long time.
Brooke explains that Michael Bolton's not there (totally forgot about him) because he has a concert date in London and Audrina is sick, as previously mentioned. I don't know if it's her makeup or what, but Lacey looks like she has a wonky eye. Anyway, the show is going to look back at what happened last night, but that's already been recapped, and this is two hours long, so let's move on.
Well, I will mention this. They reveal that, in rehearsal, when Derek tried to leap over Jennifer's head, he didn't get high enough and ran into her head. Yikes, especially with her neck issues. Also, Bristol said that winning would be "like a big middle finger to all the people that hate my mom and hate me." So... yeah. People who already like her will probably think that's awesome; people who don't will think she's a brat. Is there really anyone out there at this point who is neutral on Bristol?
Well, I will mention this. They reveal that, in rehearsal, when Derek tried to leap over Jennifer's head, he didn't get high enough and ran into her head. Yikes, especially with her neck issues. Also, Bristol said that winning would be "like a big middle finger to all the people that hate my mom and hate me." So... yeah. People who already like her will probably think that's awesome; people who don't will think she's a brat. Is there really anyone out there at this point who is neutral on Bristol?
Tom takes a moment to explain how the scoring works. They figure out each couple's share of the judges' points awarded. So before tonight's dancing, Jennifer has 60 out of 168 total points awarded last night, and her share is 35.71%. Kyle's is 33.33% and Bristol's is 30.95%. The viewer votes will be added to that, and then the judges will get more scores tonight, although usually the judges tend to give nearly identical scores on the second night, thus rendering the second night worthless in terms of the competition. I think last season was the first time they didn't do that in my memory, although I never did the math to see if it mattered, and since they don't release numbers for the viewers' voting, we wouldn't really know, anyway. Then Jennifer comes out and says that she ruptured a disk last night, but she went to the hospital this morning and got fixed up (with what, a titanium implant?) so she does plan to dance tonight. Tom says that there was a lot of question throughout the day whether or not she would, but she says that she's going to give it her best shot. Good Lord, woman, don't permanently injure yourself. Can't we just give Kyle the trophy and call it a day? That would actually make me really happy.
Christina Aguilera is on hand to perform a song from Burlesque. I have a question about that movie: don't the commercials make it look just like Showgirls? Is that done on purpose? Because it's making me want to see it for the LOLs. Not sure if that's the intent. Also, I think Christina looks great, but she has clearly put on about 20 pounds (perhaps due to the breakup of her marriage) and I wonder if the timing could be worse, since she has to go on a tour to promote this film and wear -to-nothing since it's about fancy strippers and all. Although her boobs are much bigger, so that helps. I just know that if I were her, I would be self-conscious about dancing with all those skeletal professional backup dancers. Maybe she doesn't give a shit. Who knows?
Kyle and Lacey once again have to go first in the round where they get to redo their favorite routine. Is it fair that they always have to go first? I guess when the viewers are done voting, the performance order doesn't really matter. They decide to redo the tango, especially since Kyle's frame and footwork are much better than when they originally performed it. Before they dance, Tom explains that the judges will rank these three dances: the best will get a 10, second best will get a 9, and third best will get an 8. I like that, in that it will prevent everyone getting 10s, but do they get to hold off on scoring until everyone has danced? Because otherwise it's not really fair. What if they give Kyle an 8 and then both other routine suck?
Ah, I remember this tango. I wouldn't have redone this one. First, Lacey had that wacky dress with the garters. It does have the strong pass down the floor where the fire went off, but the rest of it is kind of weak, and Kyle doesn't get to show off his personality. And they totally screw up the ending. What do the judges think? Len loves how Kyle attacks the routines full-on. Note he didn't say anything about the technique. Bruno praises Kyle's abilities as a performer and his desire to improve. Carrie Ann liked that they did the tango, because it showed all of Kyle's shades of personality, and she thinks they are a breath of fresh air.
So no scores yet, thankfully. Mark and Bristol discuss which routine to do, and decide upon their tango from rock week. They argue (mildly) over whether to break hold and do air guitar again, since they were docked points last time. Mark says no, but Bristol says yes, because she's an idiot. Do they get that they are relying only on judges' scores at this point? And while their little trick may have energized the fans at home, those people have no say anymore? Anyway, this tango is just as bad as it was last time, in my opinion. Bristol is totally blank. Where is her personality? The only time she has a facial expression is during her air guitar. She's a brat. Seriously. If she wins this thing, I might throw up. I think they did change the choreography near the end and make it faster, which was a nice change-up and did look good. But otherwise, yuck.
Bruno says this dance showed Bristol as a fighter and she's now more sure of her footing. He calls her "a clean dancer." Are we watching the same thing? Carrie Ann says that this is her favorite dance and Birstol showed command. Really? Command of blank-facedness? Len again talks about clean dancing again. Is that just a nice way of saying that she's boring but she mostly gets the steps right? I am seriously mystified by the ways that the judges have handled her this season. I mean, I get that they didn't want to attack her since she didn't have a performing background. But they continually praised her dancing, and it was horrible for the most part. And now they've created a monster.
Derek and Jennifer also had the fake discussion about which routine to do again. They decide to do their Viennese waltz again since it was their first routine, and Jennifer works to make it fresh but also remember the feelings she had at the beginning of the season. I can see how some people think Jennifer is a ringer (though I don't think some childhood dance lessons and a movie role 20 years ago count), and I can see how people think she's kind of fake, but she really is the best dancer, by far. Her lines are beautiful and her footwork is superb. I love to watch her dance. I could do without the interview segments, but her dancing is fantastic. Heh. They pan to the other contestants, and they all kind of have bitch face. I don't blame them; they know they've been outclassed. Carrie Ann has her usual spiritual moment with Jennifer, while Len calls her "the complete package." Bruno calls it "a blissfully beautiful waltz." So she's getting the 10s, right? They keep cutting to Jennifer's family, probably to avoid the bitchface thing.
Scores for Kyle and Lacey: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8 and Bruno 9 for a total of 26. After Brooke asks her usual dumb questions, ("How do you feel?" "How badly do you want this?"), we get Bristol and Mark's scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 9 and Bruno 8. Bristol has a smirk on her face. Brooke has to kill some more time, which is dumb, because we now know that Jennifer and Derek are getting all 10s. Derek reaches over and pats Mark's shoulder. I wonder if they knew ahead of time that Bristol and Mark needed a certain score to win and they didn't get it, because Mark looks like he's sucking lemons. The pros all seem pretty sanguine about the whole thing. So now they find out that they'll be doing the Instant Cha Cha to "Raise Your Glass" by Pink. Then they have to pick numbers to find out the order. Kyle is first, Jennifer is second, and Bristol is third, so Bristol gets the most time to practice. I'm kind of hoping for a trainwreck, so when she loses, no one will wonder why. I'm really getting out all my anger about Bristol in this weecap, since this is my last chance. I'm still mad that Brandy went home last week. Imagine how much more exciting this finale would be if Brandy were in it instead of Bristol.
So now there is going to be a ton of filler while the finalists prepare for the Instant dance. So the first is a "humorous" video where the Hoff is sad that he got eliminated, and is moping about it, so he grabs his red jacket and his lifeguard's buoy or whatever that thing is, and runs onto the DWTS stage to "perform" a song, accompanied by Kym and two other dancers in red bathing suits. Then he and Kym do another routine, accompanied by the two other women. Since there are three women dancing, the Hoff doesn't have to do much, thankfully. So glad he wasn't on that long. The other women are Peta and Yesenia, according to Tom. So Peta's totally going to be a pro season, right?
Clip package of the three pros talking about why they deserve to be in the finals. Here's the shorthand: they work hard and they choreograph crowd-pleasing routines. They all compliment one another and Mark calls Lacey "a bulldog in a china shop" which is a mixed metaphor and also makes no sense and also is not really a compliment. Derek and Mark talk about how they've never competed against one another in the finals, even though they've won before. That kind of makes me root for Lacey, even though she's one of my least favorite pros.
The former stars to return will be Kurt and Rick Fox, playing up their rivalry. It's semi-amusing at best. They are dancing at the same time, and I don't know how they look at one another without just cracking up, because the whole thing is so ridiculous. Also, either Kurt is dancing worse than ever or I was blinded by something while watching him earlier this season, because he's not very good. Rick is not bad, though. They have to face off in the middle of the floor again, and seriously, I would burst out laughing. Rick does seem to have a moment but keeps it under control. That was dumb. When interviewing them, Tom makes the joke that he's going to ask them who will win and none of them will actually answer the question. And then that's what happens. Backstage, Brooke talks to Kyle and Lacey and asks how things are going. Things are going. That's the answer.
I'm guessing they had more time to fill than usual because Audrina and Michael Bolton didn't return. That's a good ten minutes, which is an eternity in TV time. That kind of explains Brooke's prolonged nonsense interviews. They kind of screwed themselves by having the eliminated stars dance together instead of doing their own thing. Anyway, Margaret and Florence are back. Margaret does better than she ever did on the show. I wonder if she's taken more lessons since she was eliminated. Florence comes out dressed like Carmen Miranda. Of course she does. Their partners, Louis and Corky, join them on stage, along with Dmitry and Fabian. It's super-gay, and I mean that in the best way.
Clip package of the most dramatic moments. Jennifer cried over Patrick Swayze (and that's the second time we've seen that clip tonight). Brandy and Maks argued. The Situation nearly dropped Karina in rehearsals. The audience booed the judges, and it seemed like they booed Sarah Palin. The Situation got pissed at the judges and walked out of the confessional. Derek and Jennifer got in a fight in rehearsal. Jennifer had some fairly serious injuries. Bristol cried from exhaustion. Maks and Carrie Ann argued over how long he took to start their routine. If Maks is done with this show, and it kind of seems like he is (which is a terrible career decision on his part), I think Dmitry could slide right in.
Brooke goes backstage to ask some nonsense questions of Bristol and Mark. They give nonsense answers. Another humorous clip package plays where they pretend that The Situation was elected governor of New Jersey (like that couldn't happen), but then he trades it in to go back into the time machine and do another dance. This is the slowest version of "Too Sexy" of all time. It sounds like a record being played at the wrong speed. Anyway, The Situation removes his shirt and "dances" with three ladies, including Karina. Really, he just stands there while the women dance around him and then he points a lot. The End. It's gross.
Clip package of memorable dances. The Hoff was horrible. Michael Bolton was humorless and accused Bruno of being inappropriate. Audrina ate an onion. The Situation entered a time machine. Florence flashed the camera (thank God they never showed that during the season!) and did a sexy rumba. Steve-O showed up to blow an air horn while Kyle tried to rehearse. And there were some surprising eliminations, including Brandy and Maks last week. Every time they cut back to Brooke, she's got her hand on her hip, which seems a little too casual, and kind of like she's given up trying since the season is almost over.
Brandy and Maks are back to do their quickstep to the "Friends" theme. That was not even close to my favorite routine of theirs, and I'm not sure why they chose it, but Brandy did a great job with a big smile the whole time. The audience gives them a standing ovation, which is well-deserved. Interesting that they don't get interviewed, though. Brooke goes backstage to ask Jennifer how her body is holding up. She's holding up. That's the answer. Why does Brooke exist again?
Christina Aguilera is back to perform "Beautiful." Y'all, I cried the first time I saw this video. I mean, I'm over it now. But anyone who felt insecure about his or her looks at any point, or was bullied or teased, has got to feel something upon hearing this song. And I think that's just about everyone. Now I feel bad that I said Christina has put on weight. I'm sorry, girl. A passel of sign language interpreters comes out to sign along with the song for a while. That always kind of bugs me, because I feel like it's treating a legitimate language like a novelty. They also dance. Also, all of her dancers are pretty conventionally attractive, which I think kind of goes against the message of the song, although I guess it would be tough to find professional dancers who aren't conventionally attractive. Some of them have funky haircuts, so there's that.
So then I nearly have a heart attack because my ABC station blacks out in the middle of a commercial break, and I imagine that I'm going to miss the ending. But it comes back right as the finalists are being reintroduced. Whew! Clip package of the judges talking about the finalists. They say that Jennifer is old and broken down, but doesn't show it. People like Bristol because she's "the girl door," and then, eventually, she wowed the judges with her growth. Not like a tumor. Her growth as a dancer. Kyle has become a man on the show, and his energy is contagious. So anyone could win!
Kyle and Lacey are first to do their instant cha cha. This is way better than redoing the routine they did previously. So much more energy. Once they finish, Derek and Jennifer take the floor. It's interesting to see how the different couples interpret the song. Lacey and Kyle keyed into the lyrics a lot, while Jennifer and Derek do a much more traditional routine, but extremely well done. Bristol and Mark come out last, and of course, it features Bristol shimmying her shoulders a lot, since that's her signature move. This might be the best Bristol danced all season. She's putting some emotion into it other than anger. It's really repetitive, but she's into it and having fun. Why couldn't she do this before? I don't get her. Expect to see a lot of instant dances season, because the ones they did this season were by far the best routines. All six of them go out and take a final bow.
So then my stupid local affiliate cuts into the show with a local news promo by accident and then comes back with no HD signal, but I missed what the judges said. And then as they go backstage, they cut to a commercial for laser hair removal. WTF is going on, y'all? They cut back just in time for the scores. Kyle and Lacey are first: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9 and Bruno 10. Brooke asks a dumb question and Kyle is clearly in "I just graduated mode" and says that he had fun and he would love for Lacey to win a trophy. Jennifer and Derek: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9 and Bruno 10. Brooke asks Jennifer a dumb question about what she will miss most, and Jennifer says that she'll miss dancing. Derek gives a media-perfect answer about the journey. Bristol and Mark's scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9. So they got one less than the rest, but I doubt it matters at this point. Bristol says that she had a blast this season. Could've fooled me.
Let's hope my affiliate doesn't screw up again, although they don't have the HD signal back yet. I'll take a non-HD signal as long as I get to see the results. So the scores as of now are: Jennifer and Derek have 118, Kyle and Lacey have 110, and Bristol and Mark have 104. Tom says that they got more votes than ever before, and even crashed the website. Yeah, I know, people on the forums were freaking out over that one.
So who is in third place? After reviewing all three couples, thank GOD!!!! Bristol and Mark are in third place. There are a few boos. Lacey looks shocked and then kind of relieved. Oh, thank the heavens above. All of my anger towards Bristol is gone immediately. I mean, I still dislike her as a person for the most part, and I hate everything her mother stands for, but she's not evil or anything. She's young. I was an idiot at 20, and I wasn't on a world stage. They watch a clip package of their times on the show. Mark is crying. I have to say that I am jealous of Bristol's eyebrows. I don't know who does her waxing, but they are outstanding. There. I said something nice.
So now we get to find out who won. And I don't care at this point. Jennifer was the best dancer, but I can see how she turned some people off, so whatever. It's not Bristol, so who cares? And the winners are... Jennifer and Derek. Well, okay. Poor Lacey looked like she was going to have a heart attack. Jennifer is really just sobbing, and says that she didn't think she'd be able to dance, but she did. Derek has now won three times. Kyle says some nice things. They all hug one another. The others all come out and hoist up Jennifer and Derek. Watch her neck! Looks like Corky has Jennifer, and Mark has Derek. Could someone help Corky? He's an old man! At least they lifted Jennifer up this time. In the past, they've only lifted Derek and people got pissed.
Whew! So that happened and my affiliate held out, and Bristol didn't win. Let's all go and have a nice Thanksgiving, and I suppose we'll be back in the spring for another season. Here's hoping there are no political offspring time, although given the ratings for this season, I wouldn't be surprised. And maybe they can enlist some of the people on my wishlist: Rick Springfield, Missy Elliott or Melissa Gilbert. That's just off the top of my head. Call me, producers! I have ideas!
Watch both halves of the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see the season's best and worst moments!
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