It's the semifinals! That is exactly half of the finals! Or would that be the demifinals? And why don't we have demifinals, anyway? And why didn't they promote last week's episode as the quarterfinals? None of these questions will be answered tonight, live.
Other questions that won't be answered: Did Tom get a haircut? Why is Brooke dressed like an awards statuette? Why is Brooke so bad at reading from the teleprompter? Is that Lacey's real hair? Does Mark show more skin since Bristol is showing less? How many pain pills is Jennifer Grey taking exactly? How many spangled epaulets do the costumers have at their disposal? Who thought crimping Brandy's hair would be a good idea? Is Kyle's tie made of leather? Why?
Brandy and Maks are up first. We have to revisit Maks and Carrie Ann's argument, even though it has been reported that they hugged and made up after the show. Instead, we get to see it as an opportunity for Maks and Brandy to bond. In rehearsals, Brandy is wearing silver boots. Is she auditioning to be Wonder Woman?
Brandy and Maks will be performing their paso doble first, and in this round, the celebrity has to do a solo. So the beginning of their routine makes me really uncomfortable, despite some excellent dancing, because the storyline seems to be that Maks is an abusive husband and Brandy is the frightened wife who visibly cringes as he threatens her. I think they oversold that because it seriously skeeved me out. But then Maks walks away and Brandy does her solo where she reclaims her power and tells Maks what for. I enjoyed that part, although the rest of the routine seemed to kind of lose the plot. It didn't help that the singer was really horrible and couldn't hit the high notes. That was distracting.
Len compliments them for giving it their all and coming out on attack. Bruno loved the attack too, but warns Brandy not to lose her finesse. Carrie Ann loved Brandy's connection to her character, and also compliments Brandy's upper body shapes. Backstage, Brandy explains that their paso doble was about bullying, and having the bullied person taking power back. Okay, that makes a little more sense. I guess I was too into the marriage scenario. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9.
Jennifer and Derek are the couple to dance. Tom reminds us that they got the season's first perfect score last week. And now Jennifer says that she's rejuvenated. She probably also got the message that people were kind of sick of her whining about her injuries. I mean, I get that they are serious, but either quit or suck it up, you know?
So how is the routine? Well, they get a great song, "Mercy" by Duffy. That helps a lot. The solo at the beginning features Jennifer dancing around the judges at their table, and I kind of hate that, because it's not really dancing. A solo is a person standing out on the dance floor, alone, doing choreographed movements. This felt improvised and didn't require a whole lot of rhythm. It felt like they were hiding something, perhaps her injuries? When she finally does start dancing with Derek, it's good, but I expected something flashier from them. It's kind of pedestrian. Great hip action, quick feet, and beautiful arms, but the solo in the middle, again, is just them doing pelvic thrusts towards the judges' table. I don't know. It didn't grab me.
Bruno calls it luminous, vibrant, and sexy, and compliments Jennifer's technique as well. Carrie Ann says she's been waiting for this all season, except she wasn't disappointed. Len loved the technique and the performance, and thought it was fun and entertaining. No one is going to mention that her solo was a copout? Just me? Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. So I guess it was just me.
When introducing Bristol, Tom emphasizes that she's only in the competition still because of the voting public. In rehearsals, Bristol and Mark talk about how people think she's only staying in it due to her mom and the Tea Party, but they think it's because she's relatable. She's a non-performer who never danced before and that's what the show is about. Eh. I don't know about that. I'm sure there are some people who vote for her for that reason, some who vote because of who her mom is, some who vote as a gag, and who knows why else? I don't think you can characterize people's voting fanbases that way. It takes a lot of different types of people voting for you to keep you on the show. And I kind of hope that the people who WERE voting for her because of her mother stop now, since she disavowed them and all. Also, Bristol mentions how she's real, not like those fake Hollywood types. She doesn't mention names, but you know she's talking about Brandy and Jennifer, at least. ME-OW! Anyway, Bristol is really worried about learning two routines this week, and from the looks of things, she's right to be worried.
Their paso doble is first. Here's the thing: every nervous celebrity has Kate Gosselin to thank. No paso doble could be worse than her abortion of a routine last season. And you know what? It's actually...good. Like not good for Bristol, but good. Her solo is about a thousand percent better than I expected. It helps that she has a dramatic cape to swirl around, but she does it well, and gracefully. And she doesn't seem to forget any steps, which is kind of damning with faint praise, but there you have it. She keeps a level of intensity throughout. There's one spot where Mark is dancing and she has to pick up her cape and she kind of fumbles, but other than that, it's not bad. Way better than I was expecting, anyway.
Carrie Ann gives her a hug first, and says that Bristol nailed it, and was sharp with her movements. Len points out that Bristol has been in the bottom two six times, and come back amazingly, and this was her best dance. Bruno never thought he was going to see this, and compliments her Spanish lines. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9. I have to laugh when Mark says he's really proud that he's taken Bristol from "a real non-dancer" to the semifinals. So he's proud of...himself? For being an awesome teacher?
The first round of dances ends with Kyle and Lacey. Kyle explains that he may joke around and laugh a lot, but he knows that this competition is no joke. He hopes that he's peaking at the right time and wants to go to the finals. Blah blah blah. Boring.
They have the samba first. As always, Kyle performs the hell out of it, even if his technique isn't the best. His technique actually seems a bit sloppier than usual this week, although he's absolutely committed to the routine. And his hip action is on point. He kind of looks like Rerun though.
Len tells Kyle that he has "more bounce to the ounce" and, while there were a few wobbly points, Kyle attacked it. Bruno loves Kyle's bounce too. Are they calling him fat? Carrie Ann compliments Kyle's pelvic action, and likes his blend of entertainment and technique. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9, and Bruno 10. I guess.
We've reached the point of the competition where we get each contestant's backstory. Brandy started singing at a young age, and has always been a perfectionist. She became a popular singer as a teen, but eventually her popularity waned and it hurt her confidence. Then she was involved in a fatal car accident, and although she was eventually cleared of any fault or wrong-doing, people called her a murderer. I can vouch for that; people were doing that on the forums earlier this season. So, I feel like she should now dance to "Survivor" by Destiny's Child.
But no, she is doing an Argentine tango, and that wouldn't be appropriate. They start with some pretty intricate and kind of amazing work on the stairs, although her final exit from the stairs is a bit awkward. The middle part kind of loses me but then Brandy goes from the judges' table onto Maks's shoulders and does a complete backbend without putting her hands down. That was impressive. I don't think they'll get a perfect score for that one, because it lacked some of the intensity and character of their first routine, but it was well done.
Len loved her ease and her lines in her back, but especially praises her ability to create an atmosphere. Bruno flails all over the desk to demonstrate how well Brandy extended herself. Carrie Ann tells her that her troubles are gone now, and she was dynamic and powerful. Sometimes I feel like we lose something watching on the screen instead of in person, because I didn't feel all of that at all. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Hmm. I feel like they had already decided to give them a perfect score before the routine started, just to even things up with her and Jennifer and give them a storyline.
Let's find out about Jennifer's journey. She wanted to be an actress from a young age, largely influenced by her father, Joel Grey. So Jennifer grew up and made Dirty Dancing, obviously, but right before it premiered, she and her then-boyfriend Matthew Broderick got in a car accident in Ireland. The other car's passengers were killed, Matthew was injured, and Jennifer hurt her neck. I can't believe that they are showing all of these old pictures of Jennifer and they're not going to address her botched plastic surgery on her nose. Because, seriously. She has a schnozz. Not that I think it needed fixing, because she was beautiful before, but that's what ruined her career, not a neck injury. Her husband, Clark Gregg, talks about how Jennifer always had neck problems, and Jennifer says that when she wanted to do DWTS, she knew she had to get it fixed. Didn't she also find out she had cancer? I don't know if they had to cut some elements for time, but this biography has a lot of plotholes. Anyway, her friends and husband are proud, and Jennifer has realized how much she always wanted to dance. So that happened.
Now she's dancing the waltz. They do a beautiful spin at both the beginning and the end, and the dancing in between is nice. But I wanted it to be bigger and more dramatic. Maybe that's just a function of the type of dance, but it seemed too sedate and really short.
Bruno calls it a gem, and tells Jennifer that she's a great dancer. Carrie Ann goes off on some tangent about how dancing reveals our souls and tells Jennifer that she has a beautiful soul or something. And Len says he loved how simple it was. I guess that's where we differ. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Look, I like Jennifer and probably my favorite routines of the season are hers. I just think she was overscored tonight.
Let's find out more about Bristol! You may have heard of her mom. Her parents think she is strong-minded. So then she got pregnant, right before her mom was tapped to be the VP candidate. And seriously, that must have been incredibly hard. I can't even imagine. Bristol talks about how she knew people were calling her a sleaze and a slut, when she had only slept with one guy in her life. And really, how many people have unprotected sex as a teen? Or use protection that fails? I know adults who have made worse choices than Bristol did. I don't fault her for that. I do have an issue with her becoming an abstinence advocate, but that's more about the message of abstinence and denying healthy sexuality than Bristol herself. I think I'm kind of talking myself into being a Bristol fan. Except that she is not the best dancer this season, and she outlasted better dancers, and that bugs me. Let's just call it a grudging respect.
Their final dance of the night is a waltz. This is the slowest waltz music ever. The music is really making this routine worse because it makes you focus on the technique, which is not great. Bristol has that blank look on her face. She is pretty graceful with her arms, at least, and there is a dramatic moment where she lunges into Mark's arms and he drags her across the floor. It's not exactly dancing, but at least it's entertaining. Overall, I found the routine quite dull, but not a trainwreck.
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Carrie Ann thought there were long passages where Bristol drifted out of the emotion of the moment. Len thought it was haunting and beautiful. Bruno liked her lines and he admires her journey. That sounds like he couldn't find anything specific to say that was good. So then they praise the band. They do well with the more classical type music, but the pop songs are awful. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 9, and Bruno 9.
And finally, it's time to learn something about Kyle. He grew up in Atlanta, and he always had a lot of energy. His mom signed him up with an agent, and he did some local work. Then the family moved to LA, and just when they were going to call it quits, Kyle got cast on a Disney channel show, then got his own spinoff. And Lou Gossett Jr. likes him! Iron Eagle! So you should too!
Their dance is the Argentine tango. And wow, are Kyle's feet terrible. He's always been pigeon-toed, but ouch. It looks horrible. His arm extension is good, and his posture is okay, but his feet are horrendous. Please mention it, judges. Because otherwise I'm going to think I'm watching a different show.
Len thinks that Kyle is the best performer they've ever had, in terms of his ability to attack the dance. Bruno calls him Mr. Charisma. Carrie Ann thinks Kyle reminds her of Emmitt Smith, who came out of nowhere and killed it with every routine. I guess the judges won't be offering critiques anymore. It's just telling the contestants how awesome they are. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9, and Bruno 10. I am not one for conspiracy theories, but I really do feel like these scores were predetermined, perhaps based on rehearsals, but not given for the dances that we saw.
So I don't think the judges' scores will really affect who goes home. I think it's going to be completely based on viewer voting, which means that Kyle is probably leaving, right? Here are the scores:
Jennifer and Derek: 30 + 30 = 60
Kyle and Lacey: 29 + 29 = 58
Brandy and Maks: 27 + 30 = 57
Bristol and Mark: 27 + 26 = 53
Can't believe Bristol is still on the show? Host Tom Bergeron has a message for you that you might not like. Read his incredibly candid interview.
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