I feel like I was negligent last night because I didn't fully describe the horror that is Lacey's costume. I mean, all of the costumes were wacky because ROCK AND ROLL but Lacey's is just awful. She's got on a corset, natch, and then a peasant skirt. Except there's the top of the peasant skirt cut to about boy short length, and then a gap, and then the rest of the tiers of the skirt are hanging from garters. So it sort of looks like she's wearing a garter belt with a skirt bottom attached to it. Which is terrible, but then on Lacey, it's worse because her thighs are her problem area and that's where the gap is, so that's where you eyes go. God bless her for rocking that look, I guess, but she needs a friend in wardrobe to help her, I think. She's like that girl in college who gained ten pounds and would look great if her clothes fit, but she's in denial about the weight gain, so everything is just a LITTLE too tight, and it makes her look fatter than if she just went up a size and wore clothes that flattered. Anyway.
We're starting right out with some results. First, they're going to tell us about the bottom three from last night. Bristol and Mark were happy with their performance, which is good, because they knew it was make or break. Kurt had a good attitude even though the judges totally underscored him. Jennifer was out of control and her scores reflected it, and she and Derek were disappointed. You know, Derek looks really good in eyeliner. He would be a fine-looking woman. Anyway, it's time to find out who is safe and who is in jeopardy. Am I the only one who starts singing that Greg Kihn Band song, "Our love's in jeopardy, baby." Remember that video? With the giant snake? Oh, early MTV. You so crazy. All this time I've been reminiscing, Tom and Brooke have been babbling about the results, and guess who's safe? Kurt and Anna! YAAAAAY! Also safe are Bristol and Mark. Whoa. So who's going home? I'm perplexed. Jennifer and Derek are in jeopardy, and Jennifer does a fake swoon. I don't know if I like it when they pretend that they don't care about the results. I don't want them to care too much, but I don't want them to not care either, or what's the point. I am fickle and a harsh mistress.
Bristol and Mark get the encore. I didn't mention Bristol's bizarre purple marching band outfit last night either. Bristol is built like me, so I have empathy for my apple-shaped sister. It's tough to dress to disguise that tummy. She does WAAAAAY better tonight. Man, she should dance every week like she's not being scored, because that's the best she's ever been.
Here's Heart to sing "Barracuda." I'm really sad that Nancy Wilson and Cameron Crowe split up. Let me tell you the coolest thing about Cameron Crowe. He makes a mix tape (don't know if he's upgraded to CDs or not these days) every month and has done so for decades. Just a mix tape of songs he's listening to that month. Imagine being able to go back to June 1987 and hear a time capsule of the music you were into that month. That would be awesome. Anyway, some of the pros come out to do a paso doble. I see Louis, Derek, and that dude who was Pamela Anderson's partner. Two of the ladies are Chelsie and Karina but I don't recognize the other one. What was his name? Damien. Let me tell you something about Heart. They are not lip syncing, and they are amazing. Ann Wilson has still got some pipes on her. And Nancy looks about thirty years old. And they rock. They are my heroes.
Brooke is backstage with Kyle, who says that Len might be developing a soft spot for him. Kyle is just babbling and making no sense. You know how I pretended that Lacey's outfit was only problematic in the skirt area? Yeah, I failed to mention that she is wearing feather epaulets. I don't even know what is going on there. Kyle reveals that, in rehearsals, Lacey fell down and it shook him up a bit. During rehearsals, the floor was black and Maks made some comment pre-show about how slippery the floor was, so maybe Lacey's fall convinced them to ditch the black covering. Anyway, Rick and Cheryl also danced last night. The end.
So let's find out results for Kyle and Lacey, as well as Rick and Cheryl. So the couple safe is...Rick and Cheryl. But Kyle and Lacey are in jeopardy. There's a weird pause after that's revealed, like they were expecting a bigger audience reaction.
Pointless filler this week -- let's hear what rock stars think about the show! They all say that you have to let it all hang out and stay focused and perform. This from Bret Michaels, Alice Cooper, and Dee Snider. Bret Michaels likes Brandy, Kyle, and Jennifer. Dee likes Rick Fox and Audrina. Alice Cooper likes Bristol and Kurt Warner. I wonder if they just flipped coins to see who had to endorse which star, because that was random.
Brooke just said a bunch of words regarding what we are going to see, but I didn't understand any of them. Some people are dancing, and there's a show choir, and also some kids playing in the band? I guess? And it's all to "School's Out." Ah, I get it now. The band is from that movie School of Rock. And the then the show choir is singing, "We Will Rock You." This is the biggest show choir of all time. There are about forty of them. So, that happened.
Let's follow up a performance with another performance and watch Kylie Minogue "sing" a "song." I guess dance music is probably appropriate for this show, but I'd rather see Heart do another number. Kylie has her own backup dancers, and they are extremely fit. I kind of love that Kylie mostly doesn't even pretend to be singing live. She just sings once in a while and then yells "Woo!" a few times while the backup track plays.
Brooke is backstage with the top two: Audrina and Tony, and Brandy and Maks. Audrina claims that she's frustrated, but you wouldn't know that she has the ability to feel human emotions. Brandy says that she's learning how to work under pressure. In the review of last night's dances, Audrina says that she wants to show her intensity and aggressiveness. Does she own a mirror? Maybe she has facial dysmorphic disorder, like she thinks she's showing an emotion but her face is blank. Audrina actually cries in the confessional. There's an emotion! She should practice that!
Tom goes to talk to Kristi Yamaguchi in the audience, because she's returning week to be a team captain, and Apolo will be the other one. Captain of what, we don't know. But they are bringing lots of people back week because it's the 200th episode. Afterwards, Brooke has a terrible reading from the monitor; she says, "Sounds like it's on" but she says it like you would say, "Please turn in your pencils at the end of the test." She's awful.
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Filler clip package about how much people want to win and how hard they are working. I'll shorthand it. They want it REALLY BAD. And they're working REALLY HARD. And they have THINGS to PROVE. The end.
And now the results for the top two: Brandy and Maks are safe. Brandy was clearly really scared, which is kind of dumb, because they're not going anywhere after last night's scores. Audrina and Tony are still in jeopardy. Audrina could be going home.
So the bottom three are up on stage to find out who's going home. And Kyle and Lacey are safe. Tom is quick to point out that Audrina and Tony and Jennifer and Derek are not necessarily the bottom two. And then they have to do that dumb thing where they ask the judges what they think. I was just noticing that they don't really do this any more. I guess they go to it when they have to kill some time. Bruno is shocked to see these people in jeopardy and heaps praise on Audrina. Carrie Ann says it would hurt if Jennifer went home this week. Len thinks it's ludicrous that these two are up for elimination, and he thinks it's unjust and nonsense. I can't believe that they didn't tease a shocking elimination, because one of these two going home is definitely a shock. So who's going home? Audrina and Tony. I guess those Hills fans weren't coming out in droves. Brooke asks Audrina what's going through her mind right now. HA! Like she has a mind. To her credit, Audrina is very gracious about thanking everyone right away, so she must have been a little prepared for this possibility. And then there's the clip package of fun times with Audrina and Tony, and then they do their final dance. Well, let's be honest. She wasn't going to win, but it's a shame that she didn't last longer than Bristol.
Check out an interview with Audrina and Tony following their surprising elimination.
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