It's rock and roll night! Well, let's be honest. How rock and roll can this show really be? It's got to be the cheesiest show on television. Maybe The Bachelor is cheesier, but only because of the most dramatic rose ceremony ever. This show is like when Donny Osmond does a cover version of "Magic Carpet Ride." Not all that rocking. They really went all out, though, with a rock version of the theme song and a new logo on the judges' table.
First, they are counting down the top ten dances of all time. I know that a lot of people were upset because it was a closed competition; not every dance ever done on the show was offered as an option on the vote. Anyway, the dance at number ten is Mark and Shawn's freestyle. It doesn't seem as impressive to me this time around; I don't know if the dancing is better in recent seasons, or if I was blinded by the excitement of the finale. I still think it was a really unflattering outfit for Shawn though. That moves right into number nine, Donny and Kym's tango. Really, America? I guess a lot of people really like Donny Osmond. Number eight is Helio and Julianne's quickstep, the one that's like The Mask with the yellow banana suit. I can't believe Helio won that season. But I will say this; that routine had a ton of content. He might not have been the best dancer, but if you compare how much actual dancing he did to, say, Donny's tango, he put it all out there. Number seven is Apolo and Julianne's freestyle. I really didn't love this at the time, but in retrospect, it was pretty awesome. Again, Apolo just had a ton of natural dancing ability and they did a lot of moves.
So are they just going to reveal the entire top ten before any dancing starts? I guess this is the filler for the week. Number six is Derek and Joanna's futuristic paso doble. Oh, this routine makes me laugh. It's FROM THE FUTURE! They are doing little pop-up factoids during the routines, and it makes me think that I would love a dancer's commentary on some of these routines. That could be a whole show -- relive the best dances and have the dancers talking over them, pointing things out or giving background info. I smell a network special!
Number five is another paso doble, this one from Mel B. and Maks. This might be my favorite of the top ten, even though I liked their waltz better. They certainly have gotten a lot of use out of Mel's costume for this routine; I know Melissa wore it once and I think Lacey did too. I can't believe they didn't win. This was the season that I started to like Maks; I hated him before. But I loved them together. You guys, she got beat by Helio. Booo!
Number four is yet another paso doble, this one Nicole and Derek's fifties style dance from last season. While I wasn't a huge Nicole fan as a person (it all just seemed kind of unfair), she was an amazing dancer, and this was an amazing routine. As they throw to commercial, Tom makes a crack about one of Brooke's routines being in the top three perhaps. Girl, please. There's no way. If it is, the fix is in.
The dance at number three is Apolo and Julianne's samba. I don't even remember this. It all blurs together after a while. It's funny how much more sophisticated the audiences have gotten since then. People are cheering for moves that would only get a smattering of applause these days. Ooh, the dance at number two is probably my all-time favorite: Gilles and Cheryl's Argentine tango. Although Jennifer and Derek's tango this season was close.
To the surprise of no one, the number one dance is Drew and Cheryl's "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" freestyle (no link because it's before we started covering the show). And I am glad we are seeing this again, because I never thought it was all that awesome. Prove me wrong, Lachey. Eh, after watching it, I think I'm right. It was good at the time, but times have changed. Also, it was before the show was in HD so it looks awful. I liked Drew and Cheryl, but that was not the best dance the show has ever seen.
Finally, the show actually begins. I still don't get the strategy of putting filler at the beginning of the show, but no one asked me. And I thought they were doing two dances each this week -- why do they even need filler? Oh, I guess it's one dance and then the marathon, which won't take as long. Despite being called a marathon. The couples are introduced and Rick stumbles on the stairs. I'm waiting for someone to fully bite it on the stairs. When is that going to happen?
Audrina and Tony are up first. In rehearsals, Tony works with Audrina on performing the routine instead of just going through the motions. Then, because Audrina has no personality, they have to do a dumb fake thing where they go to teach Audrina some mixed martial arts to give her intensity. And she punches a cutout of Bruno's face. Yawn. Anyway, their paso starts. I think Audrina is getting worse instead of better as the weeks go on. Her face is just completely blank and there is no intensity. Maybe it's bad to do the paso after we just saw some of the show's best paso dobles of all time, but it pales.
Len says that Audrina is getting on his nerves, because she has great dancing potential, but she doesn't get into character. Bruno expounds on that theory, and tells her how she can improve. Carrie Ann agrees with them, but she wants to emphasize how much Audrina has improved dance-wise. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8.
The couple to dance will be Kyle and Lacey, whose foxtrot divided the judges last week. This week, they have the tango. And Kyle is practicing with his brother Chris, who comes out in a ladies' blouse. And, truth be told, he has bigger boobs than some of the female pros. Sorry, Chris. It's true. Their tango is very stompy. At least it's a true tango. And man are there a lot of pyrotechnics, which signals to me that the dance itself is weak, or they wouldn't need that stuff. I think Lacey is yelling out instructions too. She's yelling something. Overall, it was good, but it didn't give me goosebumps or anything.
The judges can't be heard over the audience screaming. Bruno loved how much work Kyle put into the dance, and his footwork is much improved. Carrie Ann thought his posture and carriage were amazing. Len talks a lot before saying that it was an improvement over last week. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8. Kyle is thrilled after being near the bottom last week.
Jennifer and Derek had bad energy last week, they agree, but this week, they've got the paso doble. Jennifer feels like she connects better with the passion of this routine, and their rehearsal footage looks promising. They're dancing to Pink, which someone else already did and I only know that because I was just looking through old weecaps for the links earlier. Ah, it was the group Paso Doble from the season with Melissa, Shawn, and Gilles. Anyway, this routine is...just okay. Jennifer seems a little out of control. Like she's TOO into it, and she's going wild and getting out of the character of the dance. And then th
ey totally flub the ending.
Carrie Ann tells Jennifer that she needs to calm down, because she was out of control. She calls her "the chosen one" and says that things are going wrong and downhill. Derek takes some of the fault for it. Len thought Jennifer got the attack and attitude but she lost control. Bruno thought she was like a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and he imitates her, causing Len and Carrie Ann to cower in fear. Poor Len. He nearly gets bopped by Bruno every week. Backstage, they show the ending again and Derek tries to explain what happened but he's too nice to say that Jennifer totally screwed up so we don't really get any answers. And Jennifer is just scattered. What is her deal? She has lost it. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 7, and Bruno 7.
Rick and Cheryl were told they lacked romance with last week's routine. This week, Rick has the tango, and he wants Cheryl to break everything down to a minute level. Cheryl argues that doing that will take all the passion and flow out of the dance. She thinks he's overanalyzing. He wants it like a basketball play -- go here, place a pick, pivot, drive the lane. So they have the tango to "You Really Got Me," which Tom calls a Van Halen hit and Ray Davies dies a little inside. Although I guess it's the Van Halen version with heavy guitar. Rick's frame is great, but he is still a little too robotic. He's angry but not passionate. He's too in his head. I will give him credit; it's got to be hard for him not to dance down to Cheryl with the height differential, and he doesn't do it. Things improve a little in the second half. There's a little more passion there. Maybe he got comfortable and loosened up.
Len is impressed with Rick's hold and posture. Bruno would have liked a little more light and shade, but it was great. Carrie Ann thought he balanced his focus between the audience and Cheryl well, but he needs to be careful not to lose the personality in his face. Mr. Roboto. Also, why is Martha Stewart there? She should be on the show. Ooh, who would her pro be? Can you imagine her with Maks? Damn. The fireworks would fly. Two control freaks. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8.
Last week, no one understood why Bristol stayed on the show. I mean, really. She was in a gorilla costume and barely remembered the steps. How did that happen? In rehearsals, they work on their tango, and Bristol pushes for an air guitar section. Oh, dear. This is a terrible idea. So, their tango. Well, Bristol, like Audrina before her, doesn't seem to understand the difference between fierce and blank. Like she thinks "not smiling" equals "fierce," but instead, it comes across as "bored." The only time she shows any signs of life is during the air guitar segment, which is mercifully short, but seriously, if she can do that, why isn't she doing it ALL THE TIME? Her technique is improved, in that she remembers the steps and does them in the right order. And can I just go on a rant about this song, "According to You"? What kind of message is this sending? "I completely define myself by what the men in my life say about me"? The first time I heard this song, I was all excited that in the chorus, she was going to say, "According to me, I'm freaking awesome, so shove it, loser." But no. It's all about how her new boyfriend thinks she's awesome. Ugh. Gross.
Bruno thinks it was her best performance and her best technique to date. Carrie Ann calls it "ridiculously amazing" and says that her face was connected to everything. Really? Len says, "Last week a chimp, [this week] almost a champ." But he's going to drop them a point for breaking hold. Look, just because she got better doesn't mean that it was great. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8. Overscored.
Kurt and Anna got praise for their quickstep, but this week he has the paso doble. Athletes usually do well with this one, but Anna is having trouble getting Kurt to perform. Bret Michaels stops by to help Kurt with his rock and roll attitude. Why hasn't Bret been on this show? season, for sure. As long as his health holds up. Wait, Kurt and Anna are dancing to "The Final Countdown," like, unironically. I figured it would be a Poison song. Kurt's hands are still terrible. But man, does he have the attitude down. He plays to the crowd after he throws Anna to the floor and then he drags her over to the judges' table. Okay. That might be a little much.
Carrie Ann thought the dance was unpolished, but he committed to the character. Len thought he looked awkward. Bruno thought he had the intensity, but he looked like he was doing karate instead of dancing. I don't think the judges get Kurt. I mean, he's not perfect. He shouldn't win. But he's not as bad as they are making out. He's not worse that BRISTOL, for Pete's sake. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. Underscored. I don't get it. What am I missing?
Brandy and Maksim finally broke through last week. So this week, they have the tango, and Brandy wants to stay on top. In rehearsals, Maks encourages Brandy to continue, even though she's getting frustrated. Finally, she breaks down in tears, and she explains that it was her own doing, and she needed the emotional release. So did it help? Well, it is INTENSE. Brandy is WORKING IT. Maks stumbles a little bit, and it kind of loses the plot in the middle, but it's a lot of movement and a lot of choreography and she nails it (with maybe a tiny stumble).
Len tells Maks that he loved it and it was the best dance of the night. Bruno compares Brandy to Tina Turner in Mad Max. Carrie Ann thought Brandy finally found her wings, despite a few missteps. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 9, and Bruno 9.
The rock and roll marathon will involve moves from the jive, lindy hop, and swing dancing, and they can do whatever lifts they want. Just like seasons, if someone gets tapped on the shoulder, that couple is out. In rehearsals, both Kyle and Jennifer are worried about their stamina. And then there are the lifts. Ooh, child. Someone is going to break a neck.
Didn't we already have the show Skating With the Stars on FOX a few years ago? With Kristy Swanson? And she had an affair with her skater and broke up his marriage? Was I the only person who watched that? Yeah, I'll shut up now.
Brooke explains the marathon scoring. The longer you stay, the more points you earn. They all start, and Bristol should really not wear flats, ever. She's got a cankle problem. Because the judges hate them, Kurt and Anna are the first to leave. Um, Bristol is not dancing. She's just standing there while Mark jumps over her and then he does the worm. So Mark and Bristol are the second eliminated. Rick and Cheryl get out of sync and the judges must have noticed, because they are third eliminated.
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So now there are four couples left, which means they are free to move about the dance floor instead of staying in their designated spots. Derek does a back handspring or something and almost falls down, but meanwhile Kyle and Lacey are kind of just walking around the floor, and they are the out. Audrina and Tony look a little lost and they go out . So it's down to Brandy and Jennifer. Derek and Jennifer seem to be doing more stunts while Brandy and Maks are just dancing and pointing at the crowd, and somehow they win. I don't know. That was lame overall. It's impossible to tell who was doing what. And the song by ZZ Top was really low energy. The judges explain that no one was coasting, but they thought Brandy and Maks were doing actual choreography.
So the marathon didn't move anyone up or down the scoreboard, expect that it put Rick and Kyle into a tie, and same with Bristol and Jennifer. And it widened the gap between Kurt and Anna and everyone else. Hmm. Kurt might go home. Or it could be Bristol. I don't think it will be Jennifer. We'll find out tomorrow night.
Scores:
Brandy and Maks: 26 + 10 = 36
Audrina and Tony: 24 + 8 = 32
Rick and Cheryl: 24 + 6 = 30
Kyle and Lacey: 23 + 7 = 30
Bristol and Mark: 24 + 5 = 29
Jennifer and Derek: 20 + 9 = 29
Kurt and Anna: 18 + 4 = 22
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see who we think are Season 11 Performance 6!
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