Hey there, hi there, ho there. That's my homage to TV theme night. Do you know what song that's from? I can't believe I forgot to tell you guys during the last recap that, in high school, I was the queen of the TV theme songs. And there was a dude in my class who was the king. But we didn't go out, although in retrospect, we probably should have. No, what we did was that on long bus rides to softball/baseball games, we would have a competition where someone would yell out a TV show and one of us would have to come up with the theme song until one of us was stumped. Lucky for us, no one on the bus was all that smart, I guess, and so we never got any bullshit like Airwolf or something. It was all Cheers and Greatest American Hero. And then one time someone said Sanford and Son, and we both sat there for a few minutes. We just couldn't think of it! Sweat dripped from my brow as time ticked on. Until almost simultaneously, we looked at each other and blatted out, "Dun dun DUN NUH! Dun dun dun nuh nuh nuh now!" You see youngsters, this is what passed for entertainment before the age of the DS and smart phones. Now you kids all just text one another on the bus and what fun is that? No fun at all.
You still can't stump me with a mainstream TV theme song from the era of 1975 to 1990. What was the last show to have a classic TV theme song, since most shows barely have them anymore? Scrubs? I'm partial to The Amazing Race, and I have made up my own words to it that go, "It's the race, amazing, it's the race, amazing" and so on. I'm no Miss Alli. I am fond of the Community theme song, because it has words, and this season they've been using the longer version of it. Okay, I could clearly go on all day, so let's get to the actual show I'm supposed to be talking about (while I hum the theme song from Buffy, to which I used to play air drums every week. Miss that show.)
Let's recap the nonsense that happened last night. Kyle and Lacey did a nice dance that was not at all a foxtrot. And the producers do us all the favor of spotlighting the exact moment when Bristol forgot her steps (hint: about four bars into the song). So Bristol and Mark know they are headed for the red lights of potential elimination. Right?
Someone must have yelled at someone about last night's bullshit filler because they're getting right to the results. Kyle and Lacey are...safe! And guess what? So are Mark and Bristol! And those were the two lowest-scoring couples. I really think that people felt bad for both of those couples after the drubbing they took from the judges and they got sympathy votes. Because if Bristol can't even do one dance well, what in the hell is she going to do week with two dances?
Now someone has to do the encore dance. Wouldn't it be funny if it were one of the already safe couples? But it's not. It's Brandy and Maks. Brandy is a lot looser tonight. She should try to be more like this during the night where her dancing is judged. She looks like she's actually having fun. Also, I'm always impressed when people dance up and down the stairs. I couldn't even walk up and down those stairs without tripping.
Then there's a fake infomercial for Bruno's dance DVD, featuring backup dancing by Mark and Lacey. It's actually pretty funny. And Bruno has got an AWESOME upper body. Like, to a disturbing degree. I don't know what his abs look like, but his biceps could give The Situation a run for his money. As far as stupid bits this show has done, that wasn't horrible. Damning with faint praise, I know.
The first performance tonight is from Jason Derulo performing "In My Head". I will admit that I don't know much about this gentleman, because I am old. So now I feel like Lacey, being all ignorant of major cultural touchstones. But this dude seems like a Chris Brown ripoff. Like after Chris hit Rhianna, some producer said, "Quick! Find me someone who looks, sounds, and dances like Chris Brown but won't assault his girlfriend!" And that's where he came from. Except he can't move like Chris Brown, or at least he isn't right now. And the song is horrible. I guess I shouldn't judge based on this performance though. Even songs I like tend to sound terrible on this show for whatever reason.
Now it's time to look at some of the couples that were on the top of the leaderboard. Derek and Jennifer allegedly got in a big fight this week, but there are so many rumors swirling around those two, who knows what actually happened. Is he an asshole? Is she a diva? Does everyone hate both of them? Is she a ringer? Do I give a shit? I know that answer to that last one: no. And Brandy and Maks finally broke through with the judges, to their great relief. And after the break, we'll find out if these two couples are safe.
The bumper to commercial is another fake infomercial for those footprint things people put on the floor to learn a dance routine. It's dumb, but it's almost saved by the over-the-top acting by the cast. Who knew they could be funny?
Aaaaand, we're back. So what's the deal for the two highest-scoring couples? Brandy and Maks are safe. Jennifer and Derek are in jeopardy. Child, please. They are so not getting eliminated. If they were, the show would have been teasing the shocking elimination all day long.
Tom is in the audience to talk to a family from the Congo that likes to dance together. As you can imagine, their lives when they lived in the Congo was not great, to put it mildly. Their mom brought them all to the United States, and they're very grateful, and this is her favorite show. So her five boys will be doing a dance just for their mom, tonight, as a surprise. Oh, my God. It's adorable. Kym, Anna, Chelsie, Cheryl, and Lacey come out to dance the cha cha cha with them. The littlest one is probably about seven or eight and he's killing me. When they finish their routine, the boys all go hug their mom. Sniff. I'm SORRY! I'm a MOM NOW! Shit like this gets to me.
Two more couples are up on the block: Rick and Cheryl, and Kurt and Anna. Rick felt like he managed to improve from last week's robotic moves. And Kurt aimed to entertain people at home, since he knows he'll never be a professional manager. So are they both safe or not? Well, Kurt and Anna are. And what about Rick and Cheryl? Well, they're in jeopardy.
The fake commercial this time is one of those personal injury lawyer parodies, featuring David "The Hammer" Hasselhoff. It becomes a cavalcade of all the injuries on the show from Misty's foot to Kelly Osbourne's toe. Also, The Hoff is still scary.
Shakira is here to perform. I feel like she's been on this show at least once per season. She should be a contestant. She'd obviously be great at the Latin dances, but how about the ballroom? Everyone would call her a ringer, though. Her backup dancers are wearing harem pants, and they are just as unflattering as they were in the late '80s, sorry to say. They just look weird, like you forgot to pull your pants up all the way. I thought for a second that one of Shakira's dancers was pregnant. That would be awesome to have a lady out there with a big baby belly, just working it out. Get on that, someone.
And now Jason Derulo is back. Look, I hate filler as much as the gal, but I also kind of hate musical interludes on my DANCING SHOW. Also, don't fuck with Ray Charles. Dude. Oh, there are dancers for this song at least. Jason Derulo sounds like a cheesy wedding singer. Like I can imagine some girl named Georgia getting married and her dad used to sing this song to her when she was a little girl, so she uses it for the father/daughter dance. And it sounds exactly like this. This girl Georgia has red hair in this scenario. And her husband's name is Teddy. What? You think it's weird that I just made up that whole scenario? It's better than listening to this clown try to sing like Ray Charles.
Backstage, Brooke is talking to Tony and Audrina. Tony gets to tell everyone that the band missed the first four counts of their song last night, which may have messed with their timing. I'll bet. You couldn't really tell. Florence and Corky are there and Florence is totally rocking the Mrs. Brady hairstyle. She says nothing interesting, as usual. At least it wasn't gross. Then they replay some of the stuff from last night, and after their routine, Tony bitches about Carrie Ann claiming he had a lift when he knows they didn't. Except they show the part where both of Audrina's feet left the ground. Which is a lift. Oh, poor Tony. So persecuted. I really can't stand him. I felt bad for him last season with Kate Gosselin and all, but he's a dick.
So are Tony and Audrina safe? And what about Florence and Corky? Well, Tony and Audrina are safe, so at least they aren't being eliminated because of a disputed lift that totally happened. But Florence and Corky are still in jeopardy. Let's hope that jeopardy... pans out? I don't know how to say that.
The three couples in jeopardy of going home are on stage: Derek and Jennifer, Rick and Cheryl, and Florence and Corky. One more couple is safe, and to the surprise of no one in the world, it's Jennifer and Derek. I mean, really. Did anyone think they were going home? Not that it's out of the realm of possibility, but there would have been more buildup. Remember when Sabrina went home? They wouldn't stop talking about the shocking elimination.
So who is going home? Thank fucking God, it's Florence and Corky. Why do they let people partner with Corky? He's awful. I'm sure he's a good teacher and a good dancer but there's, as Tim Gunn might say, a question of taste. At least Florence won't be in the audience anymore, begging to be on the show. Florence has some nice things to say about everyone on the show, especially the cast and crew. And she's been in the business for many, many years, so that does actually mean something. And thankfully, she has a classy exit instead of doing something gross. Goodbye, Mrs. Brady.
Watch TWoP's editors discuss the scariest people on reality TV in this segment airing on the New York Nonstop cable news channel: