Okay, for once, the recap of what happened last week made me laugh because they highlighted The Situation's pulsating pecs and... I don't know. I'm easy. And also, it was ridiculous, and I am a fan of the ridiculous.
This week is TV Theme Week, which seems kind of recursive. Wouldn't it be kind of awesome if someone danced to the Dancing With The Stars theme? Why do you think the producers decided to do all of these theme weeks this season? To mix it up? Like, what is the point of having a theme? Does it make for a better episode? I don't think it does.
Anyway, Audrina and Tony are up first. In a taped segment, Len recaps Audrina's dances so far, and praises her improvement from week to week. He notes that she has small improvements to make -- footwork and hip action, to name two. Len also wants Tony to push Audrina with the choreography. He thinks that Audrina's waltz was her best dance, because she put her heart into it. Really? Because I think she had the same blank look on her face that she always does. She danced beautifully, but I wasn't getting the whole acting thing.
Bruno is up to review Kyle and Lacey. Bruno likes Kyle's personality and musicality. He thinks Kyle does well with Latin, but not ballroom, and he needs to lift from his chest and not his chin. The footage highlights how Kyle raises his chin, and also how he leads with his toes (Latin) and not his heel (as you should in ballroom). Bruno's favorite dance from Kyle was the cha cha cha. Mmm. Okay. I guess it might have been his favorite, but I have yet to be wowed by Kyle as much as the judges have been.
And Carrie Ann is here to go over Brandy's dancing. Carrie Ann points out how Brandy has learned to use her long arms since the first week, but she needs to work on spotting with her head. Carrie Ann thinks that Brandy is insecure, so she doesn't hold her forms long enough to have an impact. And her best dance so far, according to Carrie Ann, was the rumba.
Are we going to have a critique of every star before we even see any dancing? That's lame.
After the commercials, Len is going to tell us what's up with Kurt and Anna. In the first week, Kurt had frying-pan hands, but he improved a bit, though he still has places to go. Len also wants him to turn his toes out and not in. Hey, he's no Situation. Len loved their jive most of all, and it probably didn't hurt that Anna was wearing the hottest outfit that week. I think this week, I'm going to keep an eye on the other male celebs' hands and see what they do.
Bruno is going to talk about Bristol. He admires her guts, and compliments her musicality and coordination. He does think that she needs to work on her performing ability, and her ability to sell the dance. And of course, she needs to work on being comfortable with being sexy. I almost wish she, or someone in her circle, would do an interview about how being sexy doesn't mean having sex, and that it's okay to be sexy and feel sexy while being abstinent. But that might not go down well with her mom's followers, so I guess it won't happen. Bruno thinks her best dance was the quickstep. I still don't get how she's getting higher scores than Kurt.
Florence, according to Len, is a consummate entertainer. He admires her timing, but admits that she won't be able to compete with the youngsters in the flashiness department. Len thinks that she can compete with them in her footwork and technical ability, so she should emphasize that. And gross, he thinks their best dance was the rumba. Blech.
I really wish they had done three critiques, then three dances, and followed that pattern. I don't mind all the critiques, but I have to watch the show. I feel like other people will tune out for the first hour and then come back for the actual dancing. Right?
Len wants to tell us that Rick and Cheryl can really dance, and he's surprised by the fact that Len isn't awkward, given his height. Len thinks that Rick can improve his posture and his speed. And did you know that Rick can't touch his shoulders due to injuries he sustained during his basketball days? So Len thinks he needs to work on his mobility, and we'll see more dances like his awesome samba.
Carrie Ann is back to talk to us about Jennifer and Derek. Even though Jennifer is fifty, Carrie Ann is impressed with her fire and tenacity. Carrie Ann is also impressed with the difficulty of the choreography they're doing, as well. The problem is that Jennifer is really emotional and can psych herself out, like she did during story week. In addition, she's got neck problems already, and Carrie Ann worries that she will get hurt. And her best dance was her Argentine tango. It really was. Watching it again, I am still impressed.
FINALLY! The show actually starts with the introduction of the couples. Brandy and Maks are up first, and Maks tells her that they have the Friends theme for their routine. Maks and Brandy work really hard to convince us that they are friends now. Does anyone really care? Ew. In one of the scenes, Maks is clean-shaved and he looks really, really weird. And then another commercial before they dance? WTF, show? Anyway, they finally dance, and it's pretty good, although there's a whole sequence at the beginning where they're sitting in the audience, and then a whole sequence in the end where they're sitting in the audience and I wish there was more dancing. But it's fast and chipper and fun.
Len loves it. He thinks it was their best dance so far. Bruno thinks they "found the right formula," and he can't believe they kept up the pace for the whole routine. Carrie Ann loves that they've finally bonded, and that Brandy finally trusts her partner. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9 and Bruno 9 for a total of 27.
Corky and Florence. Good. Let's get them out of the way early on. Anyway, to the surprise of no one, they have The Brady Bunch. So Barry Williams a.k.a. Greg Brady shows up, and he looks older than Florence, I think. It's depressing. And of course, Florence has to intimate that they did it back in the day, which is GROSS. Ugh. Why is it all about sex with her? We get it, you're a horny old lady. Move on. Anyway, they are doing the tango. I don't really get the story of their dance. It's like they are comically fighting each other? And Florence keeps shaking her head so that her hair gets messed up? And Corky mugs uncontrollably? I will say that I admire how the band made this song sound like a tango. And the dancing itself isn't bad. I mean, it's kind of stiff, but passable.
Bruno thinks they should have played it straight, like they did in the beginning, and skipped the comic elements. AGREED, BRUNO! Carrie Ann liked it, and calls her "a sexy senior." But she thinks some of the comic elements threw off their timing. Len tells her that she's here because of her talent, and parts of her routine were great. He thinks it was their best dance so far. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7 and Bruno 7 for a total of 21. They are thrilled with that score.
Kurt and Anna were a little disappointed with their scores last week (AND THEY SHOULD BE), but Kurt knows that he can persevere, because he's had disappointment on the football field and come back from them. Their song is from Bewitched. Kurt has to explain the show to Anna. And then there's a cute segment where he's shocked that she doesn't know who Walter Payton is, and she brings up the first two Russian dogs in space, and I don't know. Language barriers are funny sometimes. So of course, their whole quickstep is based on the premise that Kurt messes up and Anna wiggles her nose and he changes into a good dancer, I guess? Hmm. This is not Kurt's dance. I think part of it is that he's pigeon-toed, but more than that, he's not selling it and enjoying himself like he has in weeks past. It just doesn't have that sparkle.
Carrie Ann compares him to Gene Kelly. Really? Len thinks it was a huge improvement over last week, though there were still some areas that they could work on. Bruno thinks that the magic is back. Maybe I'm just tired, but I'm not seeing what the judges are seeing. I hate when that happens. It makes me want to go back and watch it again, to see what I missed. Then I realize that I can do that tomorrow night, when they recap everyone's dances. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8 and Bruno 8 for a total of 24. It's their highest score so far.
This week, Audrina and Tony have the rumba, so Tony thinks it will help with the judges' complaints that Audrina is aloof and icy. At one point, they are in hold, and he asks if she can go lower. She thinks that he means her hands, so she totally grabs his ass, but he meant her body. Oops. And then there's a whole thing about how eating onions and garlic will make it less awkward in an intimate situation. I guess because it can't accidentally get REAL, because your breath is so bad? So Audrina chomps on a raw onion. DUDE! I'm sure he meant cooked onions and garlic. Gross. Did it help her rumba? Okay, first of all the band is MURDERING "Unwritten," which is a great song. It's horrible. Like it took me a few minutes to realize what song it was, even though they told me it was the theme from The Hills, and I used to weecap that show. Anyway, the song is all wrong, and it kind of ruins the dance for me; I think Audrina lacks enough hip action, and it's not intimate enough. And if Audrina can't do sexy, what can she do?
Len liked it; he thought it was well-done and intimate enough. Bruno praises her technicality, but says that he wanted more passion. And he calls her plastic. Awesome. Carrie Ann says that everything was gorgeous from the hips down, but while her face is beautiful, her upper half doesn't express enough emotion. And Carrie Ann thinks she saw a lift, which Tony adamantly denies. So now I have to re-watch the whole thing to look for it. And boy, I don't know why they're praising Audrina's footwork, because it's not that great now that I'm staring at her feet, waiting for a lift. And there totally is a lift, right before the chorus of the song, during the words "something in the distance." Sorry, Tony. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 8 and Bruno 8 for a total of 23. And we know that Carrie Ann took a point off for the lift, so really they would have tied with Kurt and Anna.
Last week, Kyle agreed with the reasons that the judges dinged him, and he knows that he and Lacey have to climb back up to the top, since they were in second place the first week. Since they are dancing to Charlie's Angels, Lacey brings in Chelsie and Kym to rehearse with him, and each of them teaches him a different way. I think it's genius when they bring in another pro, and don't know why they don't do it more often. Look, I don't want to snark on someone eles's body, but those hip huggers make Lacey's butt look HUGE. Like at first, I thought she was purposely sticking out her butt a la Joey Fatone, but no, that's just her butt. She should never wear pants like that again. So their foxtrot is very '70s and very disco, and I love it for that. I love the disco moves. I don't know how traditional foxtrot they are, but I dig it, and they are clearly having a lot of fun. I don't know if his technique has improved, but his energy wins me over for the first time this week.
Bruno says that Kyle has the charm, but it was "a foxtrot possessed with disco fever," and there wasn't enough foxtrot in it. Carrie Ann disagrees, and she loved that he was leading. Len thought it started bad and got worse and worse. Eh. I think the judges' lackluster response will earn them votes from the audience, because it was fun. It's one of those cases where the judges end up looking like they have sticks up their butts and people will vote for Kyle just to tell them to stuff it. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 5 and Bruno 7 for a total of 20. Really, Len? Five? It wasn't that bad. Lacey just laughs about it, which kind of bugs me, because while I don't expect her to be devastated, she should care whether they stay or not.
This week, Rick and Cheryl have the rumba, so Rick has to try to be less robotic. And Cheryl has some trouble coaching him, so they go to meet Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson. Filler. They are doing the rumba to the Hill Streets Blues theme, and they're kind of dressed as sexy cops, meeting up after a shift. It's pretty sexy, and most of the time, Rick remembers to point his toes, but he seems to have trouble remembering where to place his hands. And their height differential is still a factor. But it has good flavor, if not good technique.
Carrie Ann jokes that it's a crime that he's so hot and can dance that well. Eliza Dushku is shooting daggers at her. Look out, she'll stake you. Len thought it was good, but he didn't feel the emotion. Bruno thinks Rick is mega-smooth. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 24. Hmm. I liked it, but I don't know that it deserved those scores, quite.
Bristol has gotten marks off because she isn't performing enough, so this week they are doing the jive to The Monkees. Mark brings in a clown class to teach Bristol how to let go. She still seems pretty self-conscious. And then. You guys. They are dancing in monkey suits. Like, big gorilla costumes. WHAT THE FUCK WAS MARK THINKING? Why would this be good? Because they're still dancing, but Bristol obviously can't see that well and she gets totally lost because she has no peripheral vision and can't see what Mark is doing. She instead of vamping, she just kind of shuffles around in her costume and it makes my stomach hurt from awkwardness. Then they rip the costumes off, and I think, "Okay, she'll get back on track now that they're in hold." But no. She's clearly thinking about her screw-up, and just walking through the moves, about a beat ahead the whole time. It's not good. I will say this -- Bristol's costume under the gorilla suit is the best she's looked all season. It's a cute pink '50's style dress and she looks great. So there's that. But ugh. It was an awful idea, executed awfully.
Len liked the monkey suits and thought they were fun, and he thought she had a high degree of performance. Really? He did? I think he feels bad for her. Bruno points out that she lost timing a lot, and she needs to combine performance and technique. Carrie Ann compliments her for stepping out of her comfort zone. I think Bristol is near tears, and that's why everyone is being so nice. By the time she gets back, she has a smile on her face. Oh, and it's her birthday. Poor thing. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6 and Bruno 6 for a total of 18. Really, Len? Better scores than Kyle? I don't understand Len anymore. We used to be simpatico.
Derek and Jennifer are feeling the pressure this week, and they have a blow-up in rehearsal where Derek is kind of being a dick, if you ask me. But really, who cares? Not me. They're doing the foxtrot to Love and Marriage, and it's jarring to hear someone other than Frank Sinatra singing it. There's a lot of messing about at the beginning where Derek is a '50s husband trying to watch TV and Jennifer the '50s housewife tries to get his attention. Their dance is really beautiful, though. There's a middle section with some kicks and spins that look amazing. She's so light on her feet.
Bruno loved it and thought it was beautiful. Carrie Ann thought it was good, but she thinks Jennifer was a little checked out. Len thought the dancing was good, but there was too much messing about. Tom reminds him that he wanted Bristol in the monkey suit longer, and Len has no comeback. Things are really awkward backstage and Derek seems to be taking over because Jennifer won't talk. It's weird. I don't know what's up with them, but something is up. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8 and Bruno 9 for a total of 25.
So, who is going home tomorrow night? I actually think people might take pity on Bristol, even though she honestly deserves to go home for that routine, and they'll vote for Kyle because his routine was fun, so it might be Florence going home. We'll see -- here are the scores:
Brandy and Maks: 27
Jennifer and Derek: 25
Kurt and Anna: 24
Rick and Cheryl: 24
Audrina and Tony: 23
Florence and Corky: 21
Kyle and Lacey: 20
Bristol and Mark: 18
Discuss the episode in our forums, see who we think will win, then see why vloggers Val and Beth think this season's cast is a sign of the end times, below!
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