Situation Unknown

S11E08

You know, the more I think about the scores last night, the madder I get about Kurt and Anna. I thought they were actually good -- at least in the top half of performances for last night. And to score them second lowest? It's a travesty. And I don't even want to like Kurt! And here I am arguing that he was underscored. See what this show does to me?

Tom and Brooke start out by preparing to reveal some of the couples that are safe. But first, of course, we have to relive last night's show. The highlights (or lowlights) included Audrina learning that she needed to point her toes harder, Maks thought their dance might have stopped Len's pacemaker, and Jennifer Grey showed her age for the first time this season when she says that something was "dope, yo." Oh, Jennifer. Don't do that. I also just noticed that Derek is growing a mustache and goatee. Oh, Derek. Don't do that. So Audrina, Jennifer, and Brandy are ready to find out if they are safe, and...they all are!

Hey, my least favorite segment returns - let's hear what the live audience thought about the show! Not surprisingly, they liked some couples and disliked some others. Useless. So who's going to get the encore dance? No surprise here -- Jennifer and Derek. I agree. I actually watched it twice last night, and I rarely do that. It is flawless yet again, although they changed the opening. Maybe the piano player was like, "Hands off my piano, guys!" But it's still really good and I know a lot of people get sick of hearing about how awesome Derek is, and feel like the producers favor him, but he is an amazing choreographer. You cannot deny that.

The Goo Goo Dolls are here to perform "Iris." God, how sick are they of this song? It was so overplayed when it was popular that I'm STILL sick of it, all these years later. I guess Johnny Rzzzzzezzzznik can't hit the high notes anymore, because he's not even trying to sign them. Dmitry and Chelsie are out to dance along -- I think it's a waltz? Man, the Goo Goo Dolls sound like shit. They are phoning it in. I hate to say it, since they're my homeboys, being from Buffalo and all. I am allowed to count anyone from Upstate New York and parts of Canada as homeboys. Those are the rules. Some other pro dancers come out for the second song in the medley. I don't like how the male half of this couple dances. Not that they asked me. This whole number is not doing it for me. The music sounds horrible, and Johnny has had a lot of work done on his face and looks scary. Do not want.

Brooke talks to Kyle and Lacey and Mark and Bristol backstage. Kyle and Lacey reveal that they have the foxtrot if they return week, which makes yet another slow dance for them. Bummer. Bristol says that she thought the judges were a little harsh on her because she thinks she's improving as a dancer and performer. She actually doesn't sound totally awkward, so she's definitely improving as an interview question-answerer. Brooke is not improving as an interviewer, since she once again leaves the mike thrust into Bristol's face for a ten count after Bristol finishes her response, so Mark jumps in and babbles to save the moment from being completely awkward. Then Tom reminds us that last night, Len told Mark that he (Len) doesn't take his shirt off and expose himself. Not so fast, Dance Master. Turns out that Len did appear shirtless during one of the DanceCenter segments. And yikes! He is a hairy dude, but only from the biceps down. Creepy. So in your face, Len! You lied! Was anyone that worked up about it? Eh, any excuse to show DanceCenter footage, right?

Last night, Bristol worried that her role as spokesperson for teen abstinence might interfere with her rumba. And she should have been; it did seem kind of at odds. At the very least, they could have emphasized that she was playing a character. Look, I don't give a shit if she sleeps with the entire male population of Alaska or any other state, personally. But if she wants to pretend like she wasn't sleeping with Levi during their recent re-engagement/quick breakup, whatever. You know she was. Probably using birth control, but still. Anyway, they show the reaction backstage when Bristol's scores were announced, and Kurt and Maks were both stunned by the low scores. Watching it back, she was probably underscored by a point or two. Kyle talks about trying to be sexy as well, but at least he's not an abstinence advocate. Lacey wonders why he kissed her shoulder at the end, and blames it on his hormones. I'm a little sick of Lacey acting like she's so hot that of course Kyle wants to hump her. I mean, first of all, he's 19. He would hump a kitchen counter if no one was looking. And second of all, he is fairly famous in his own right; he could do better than stupid Lacey. She needs to calm down with her, "Oh, I'm so much older than this CHILD who is a whole THREE YEARS YOUNGER than me." Ugh. Hate her.

So what is the status of those two couples? Kyle and Lacey are safe. But Bristol and Mark are in jeopardy.

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Now it's time to find out the fate of two more couples, Kurt and Anna, and Rick and Cheryl. But first, let's review what happened last night. Kurt was criminally underscored, although I do agree that his hands were pretty atrocious. And Rick had a mustache. Seriously, those are his highlights. But guess what? He's coming back week because he's safe! Kurt and Anna are in jeopardy, probably due to their unfairly low scores. I don't know if I've mentioned that I thought they should have gotten higher scores.

Segment where Len talks about what it takes to earn a 10 from him. He gives out one point for showing up. Three points for moving both feet. Four points for finishing the routine. He uses Billy Ray Cyrus as an example of a four. Five points requires musicality like the Hoff. Len reveals that he considers a six to be average. A seven requires chemistry, and it means that there was more good than bad in the routine. Len doesn't hand out eights, and he especially hates messing about. Me too! Len, me too. For a nine, you really have to be cooking, and he admits that the other judges would probably give the same routine a ten. So what does it take to get a ten? Great technique, great chemistry, and that certain something that lights up the ballroom. Hey, his tens mean something. I appreciate that.

For some reason, Tom is backstage during the throw to the Macy's Stars of Dance routine. No one expected him to be back there and so everyone looks confused. All of the couples are awkwardly huddled behind Tom and Brooke as they recite their lines and then Tom breaks in, "Stop squeezing my ass!" Everyone breaks up. And now, for a lovely tango done by some people. It's, you know, nice. I like dancing okay. I don't think I could write about this show if I didn't. But I like it better when it's people I know, in a competition, not just random strangers dancing for my entertainment. In conclusion, semi-yawn.

Florence And the Machine are here to sing "Dog Days Are Over." While Florence sings, there are all these smaller platforms around the room with dancers on them. No one from this show, though. She sounds like Tori Amos. And Kate Bush. And a little Sinead O'Connor thrown in for good measure. Not really my bag, though. I liked Janelle Monae better.

Brooke is backstage with Karina and The Situation, along with Florence and Corky. Florence says that people have told her that her dance last night was sexy. Blind people? The Situation knows better than to bitch about the judges, but he admits that he didn't think his score was fair. Last night, Florence was talking about how hot Corky was, and gross. The Situation got pissed off that the judges didn't even acknowledge how difficult the lifts in his routine were, and that they were entirely negative. Well, it's because he was dancing the tango, not the lift-go. It's about the dancing, dummy. Anyway, boo because Florence and Corky are safe. Karina and the Situation are in jeopardy.

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Then they do this actually interesting thing where they show what a week in the life of one of the stars on the show is like. The footage is all done POV style, with someone wearing a helmet cam, I guess? But it makes you feel like you are the one going to rehearsals, getting hair and makeup done, going out on the floor, getting judges, getting interviewed, etc. It's all very quick and while I normally hate filler, this one wasn't bad. Didn't learn anything new though.

Time for more results. The three couples in jeopardy are Bristol and Mark, Kurt and Anna, and The Situation and Karina. It really should be The Situation. He was awful. If it's Kurt, I'm going to be pissed. I wouldn't mind seeing Bristol leave, as I can't see her getting all that much better than she is right now. But there will be a commercial break first. I should have know they weren't announcing anything, since all of the safe couples weren't standing in the background.

Guess who's safe? Kurt and Anna. Woo! Woo hoo! So who's leaving? The Situation and Karina. Well. It was time. Everyone knew it. He hasn't danced a step for real this season. The Situation says that while he was angry last night, but he feels like he left it all out on the floor. Then he spouts a bunch of clichés like "it is what it is" and "at the end of the day." Tom admits that he watched Jersey Shore for the first time this summer and immediately wanted to watch a marathon. I hear you, Tom. It's addictive. Then everyone says the word "situation" a million times and it's over.

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