I feel like this season has been just about the right length. Last season, by the time we got to the finale, I was totally burnt out on the show and dancing and typing and satin and sequins and everything. But while I'm ready for this season to be over, I don't feel like I want to throw something at my television. So good job, producers, for reducing the number of initial contestants. Now, season, how about we try not to stack the deck so hard that anyone with half a brain could have picked two of the three finalists after the first episode? Thanks. And also, I want to give a shout-out to Emily, who enjoyed my Miley Cyrus rant last week. She and my husband may be the only people reading these things as far as I know, and he has to by marital law, but I appreciate both of my readers.
Four months ago, Evan Lysacek was winning a gold medal, Erin Andrews was reporting on the sidelines of various sporting events, and Nicole Scherzinger was recording an album. Then they met their dance pros. Then they danced. And got judged, sometimes harshly. But also, more recently, won the judges praise. But they would still get frustrated in rehearsals, even as recently as yesterday. And now we're all the way up to this very moment, as the three remaining couples walk out from backstage. That was actually very well done, especially the fast-forwarded montage of everything from four months ago until now. It was very Lost (that's not really a spoiler, but seriously, if you wanted to watch the finale, and you haven't yet, what are you doing on the Internet?)
They have gotten super fancy the last few seasons with the lighting, Anyway, they start playing "I'm So Excited" by the Pointer Sisters and all of the non-finalist couples and their pros come back out. Smartly, they have the actual pros dance together and the stars mostly stand on the stage and shimmy their shoulders or shake their hips. Then each pro/star couple gets a short walk down the center of the floor. Shannen and Mark actually do a dance move, which is kind of Shannen's Eff You to those who caused her to be the first voted out, especially when Damien just carries Pam (is she injured?). And Kate and Tony are last and Kate looks like my nephew in his preschool Christmas concert, when he got the Cindy Brady stare. She's the worst. THE WORST! How hard is it to walk down the stage in time to the music and then walk back, holding a fan? And yet she totally screws it up. At least she's trying to smile. Blergh. I hate her. Anyway, after all of the non-finalists have had a moment (minus Chad, who is allegedly injured, but that's convenient), they pull back to reveal the three final couples standing on the stage now.
I Spy with My Little Eye some former contenders in the audience. There's former champs Apolo, Shawn Johnson, Kristi "The Gooch" Yamaguchi, and for some random reason, Louie Vito and Susan Lucci. Tom and Brooke explain how the night will work. They have combined last night's scores with the audience votes already. And then tonight, the finalists will do two more routines and all of the scores will be combined. In the first round, the couples will do their favorite routines and be ranked first, second, and third. The couple in third place at that point will be eliminated, and the final two couples will do one last routine to be scored by the judges. That seems really complicated. I had to rewind that like five times.
Nicole and Derek are up first. In rehearsals, they discuss which of their routines they should redo. They end up picking the Argentine Tango. Hmm. Everyone is doing the Argentine Tango. So did they really make that choice, or was that choice thrust upon them? Does it matter? Why would the show lie about it? Anyway, this is my favorite of their routines. People on the forums complained at the time that they saw too many crotch shots from Nicole, but I think it's because she's wearing black panties so it really sticks out, visually. Nicole doesn't seem as steady as she usually does. She's a bit wobbly in a few parts, but the choreography is still amazing and overall, it's still the best routine they did, I think. Len calls it irresistible and he loves the content Derek put in there. Bruno says, "the magic continues," and then yells a lot. Carrie Ann tells them that they are true artists. Oh, no scores yet because they are being ranked. I forgot about that and I was like, "THEY FORGOT TO ANNOUNCE THE SCORES!" because I'm a little ADD about weecapping this show and I need everything to happen in the proper order. I'm a little German like that.
Evan and Anna are up and they also go through the charade of choosing their favorite dance. This is all just so they can show us clips from their past dances, isn't it? I have CRACKED THE CODE! It's a little sad how Nicole and Derek were like "We have many awesome dances from which to choose" and Evan and Anna are like, "Well, the judges hated pretty much everything we did except our perfect scoring tango." Anyway, how is it the second time around? Ooh. Evan does a crouch at one point that seriously looks like he's about to drop a deuce on the dance floor. I don't think that was right. I think he was off balance and his feet were further apart than they were supposed to be. This is the dance that ends with that crazy spin that the promo monkeys then used in every single intro package the rest of the season. So it was good, but it suffers a bit coming right after Nicole and Derek, whose choreography was way more complex. Judges? Bruno tells Evan he looked like a ladykiller. Carrie Ann just kind of squeals a bit, and then Len says that the caliber of competition is the highest it's ever been. Len reminds us that Evan is the only male star left, and he was leading and not being led, which is important.
Now Erin and Maks have to go through the charade of choosing their favorite dance. Erin hopes that she remembers their Argentine tango. As they start working on it, Erin forgets the steps and then starts freaking out. And then Maks and Erin start bickering. Oh, no! Will they patch it up? Probably not. They probably won't even dance tonight. Oh, the delicious suspense! Except not. Then there are commercials. This two-hour finale is getting the pacing all wrong. It's supposed to go roll-in, dance, judges' comments, scores, interview with Brooke, commercial. Anyway, this is the routine where Erin takes a flying leap from the stage and lands on Maks's head. It looked solid last time, but they wobble a bit this time. Maks saves it though. I never noticed that Erin kind of doesn't straighten her legs all the way. That's weird. She looks like she's actually enjoying herself, so I like that. . Maks and Erin hug for a loooooooooong time after the dance and the audience applauds. Carrie Ann says that it was amazing, and Erin was in the zone. Len says that this is the hardest judging job they've had in ten seasons, and Erin has proved that she deserves to be in the finals, and has shown the most improvement. Bruno just yells something about sex.
Brooke talks some nonsense backstage until the judges are ready to reveal their rankings. Finally, Len announces that Erin and Maks are in third place with 26 points, Evan and Anna are in second place with 28 points, so that means Nicole and Derek are in first place with 30 points. Derek gets a little emotional about it. After Brooke is done throwing it to Tom, all of the couples shake hands, hug, kiss and congratulate one another. I really believe that they get along. Am I a sucker?
It's time to recap the season. Look, I've written many, many words about each episode. I was there. You were probably there too. Do we need to go over it again? It's all just a prelude to see the former dancers return. Shannen and Mark are up first. Shannen's actually really good. She should have made it further. Aiden is... not that good. I mean, sure he should have beat Kate, but everyone should have beaten Kate. I mean, physically beat her. Then, because Buzz can't dance and never should have been on the show, they have to do some bullshit with space and a cape. Poor Ashly. I hope she comes back season and gets a good dancer. I remember her from the first season with my favorite Joey McIntyre. Hey, people who were suggesting Betty White for this show, even though she's said she wouldn't do it? This is what you would be signing up for. Boring, slow, and kind of sad. Bless his heart. Brooke calls Buzz "adorable" because he's not a person. He's a mascot. Blech.
After the break, it's time to rehash more of the season. Especially Jake in his underwear. And Kate being terrible. That leads to a new dance by Jake dancing with Chelsie and Dmitry dancing with his fiancée (apparently, I didn't watch the show) Vienna. Really? Her name is Vienna? She looks like a Sears catalog model. And is kind of a horseface. Anyway, at the end, they dance together, and no one cares.
Tom introduces a clip package telling us the top five arguments of the season. Number five is when Nicole told Derek that he was on the wrong side. Number four was when Aiden cursed out Edyta and she left. Number three was when Jake let the façade drop and told Chelsie that he was ordering her to do something. Number two was when Maks stomped around like a toddler and then the first best worst argument is when Kate was an asshole and Tony quit. If only that had stuck.
Kelly Monaco is in the audience and Tom asks her if she argued with her partner, Alec, that much. Kelly kind of throws Alec under the bus and says that they argued a lot and she almost got a new partner before the season even started. Wow. That's not the answer I expected. Apolo saves the day when he talks about how awesome this season is and he wishes he could dance like the three finalists do.
So now they're going to reveal who came in third and eliminate that couple immediately. Will it be Erin, Evan, or Nicole? Oh, boo. It's Erin and Maks. Anna actually looks disappointed, but maybe she's just sad for them. Erin gets her final interview. She admits that she knew that Evan and Nicole would be in the finals, but that she joined the show under kind of crappy circumstances, and she did it to get her life back together, so she feels like she won. Tom says that Maks even seems emotional, and Maks denies it but gives a really nice speech about how he has learned a lot about himself this season. People will be reading a lot into those few words, I'm sure. Man, I didn't know I was rooting for them until they got eliminated. In their clip package, Maks talks a lot about how he had to get Erin to get out of her head and just dance and let go. Erin says that Maks brought her back to life, and he says that seeing her happy was his finals. They hug. And they get to do their final dance, the cha cha cha. It's weird because there is a lot of walking around and not much dancing. Was this supposed to be their real final dance if they hadn't been eliminated? Because that would have sucked. Maybe there were a lot of lifts and stuff and they decided not to do them if they were eliminated. I mean, it's a cute dance but it's not that great. I don't get it.
All week I have been waiting to find out who was going to win the college dancing championship! Except that part where I forgot it even existed. I'm just going to FF this. We're all cool with that right? It's Purdue versus Utah Valley, and like it's even a question. I mean, Purdue is whatever and Utah Valley is like the world champions. So of course, they win the meaningless trophy. Can't a white girl get some sort of cash prize up in this piece? Ooh, they show a clip of what's going on backstage and Nicole and Derek are rehearsing while Evan and Anna are sitting there looking... kind of pissed off? Or maybe scared? They don't look happy, is what I'm saying. Read into that what you will.
Some "journalists" are going to give their opinions on the show. Mario Lopez, Regis and Kelly, Larry King, and other opinion-makers from the world of dance give their important opinions such as, "It's a diverse cast!" and "It's quite a competition."
Let's pay more attention to Kate Gosselin! Because otherwise she will wilt and die! She plugs her new shows. Please don't watch them. Even just to make fun of her. If we all agree to stop paying attention to her, maybe she will go away. Anyway, we get to see a clip package of Kate and Tony rehearsing their horrific paso doble for a reprise. Kate thinks there's too much walking around and asks Tony to make the choreography more difficult. So he does, and of course, she refuses to try to do it. And then she gets all "poor me" and talks about how people hate her and she doesn't know why. Um, exhibit A, this clip package. She claims she's going to throw herself into the dance, have fun, and laugh at herself. If that happens, it will be the first time any of those things have happened for her this season. I don't think she knows how to laugh at herself or have fun. Poor Tony. I almost don't want to watch this because it's going to be so terrible. You know what? It's BETTER. Tony took out that horrible lurching thing at the beginning and Kate remembers to point her toes and it's not good but it's better. And then it turns into "I Will Survive" and then Kate gets in some sort of lift and the camera is like up her nose and MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT GO AWAY I AM SCARED WHY IS KATE SO CLOSE TO THE CAMERA WHY IS IT LASTING TEN MINUTES???????? Did I die? Am I in hell? I will have nightmares about that. Deep breaths. In and out. In and out. Brown paper bag.
It's going to take me this entire clip package to recover from that disaster. Nicole and Derek are doing the jive for their knockout dance to show off their energy. Evan and Anna are doing the quickstep to take advantage of his technical expertise and precision. And it will be a competition. At least this time, when they cut to backstage, someone tipped off Evan and Anna that the cameras were on them so they could pretend to be rehearsing instead of staring off into space blankly.
Brooke goes to interview the finalists. What could they possibly have to say that would be interesting at this point? I will answer that for you. They have nothing interesting to say. They both feel like they have already won by making it to the top two. They respect their competitors. They want to enjoy their last dance. Done and done.
After some more review of the season, it's up to Pam and Niecy to bring the sexy back. Tony and Dmitry join them for some reason. Pam doesn't dance as well as she did during the season. She does crawl over the bodies of the male dancers. Niecy gets to shake her thing to "Bootylicious." Man, it's been a long time since I heard this song. Is this still a family show? I'm not commenting on the dancing because there's not much dancing happening. They're just feeling each other up and shaking things.
Clip package. Nicole is awesome. Evan is awesome. How far in advance did they know that these two were the final two? Because these were clearly recorded earlier, as each of the eliminated stars talks about these two competing. Anyway, each person talks about how Nicole might win, or Evan might win. Maybe they will both win! A tie! That would be hilarious.
Clip package about Nicole and Derek. They are kindred spirits. Nicole has trouble letting go and not being a perfectionist. That's the lamest answer. That's the stereotypical job interview answer where she really has no flaws, so they pretend like being a perfectionist is a flaw. Derek says it's been his favorite season ever.
So now it's time for their jive. And I just remembered the judges are going to give them both perfect scores, so this is sort of an exercise at this point. Anyway, it's the fastest jive I've ever seen in my life. It's awesome. There are a few times when Nicole's kicks look awkward to me, but I'm totally nitpicking because it's really incredible. And did I mention fast? The crowd goes nuts. Len says that Nicole should win. I mean, he just flat out says that she should win. Wow. I'm sure Evan really wants to come out and dance now. Bruno says it's been the best season ever. Well, it's had the best dancing, but I don't know that it's been the best season, because there's been no suspense. Carrie Ann is almost speechless, and says that they've been amazing. If I were Evan, I would just go home. I mean, seriously. Backstage, Nicole gives her Oscar acceptance speech (save it for when you win in five minutes) and then she gets her perfect score from the judges, like anyone is surprised. Their total score is 115.
Evan came straight from the Olympics and also toured with Stars on Ice during the season. Anna knew she could throw a lot at him because of his training, but like Pinocchio, he had to become a real boy in order to gain notice. So now they have to do their quickstep after Nicole was just given her coronation. Plus, it's a quickstep, which I love, but I think most people identify more with the jive. It's just more fun to watch. I mean, it's a decent quickstep, but it's not even the best quickstep I've ever seen on the show. Don't ask me whose was better. It's late and I'm tired. But I know it wasn't this one. The judges tell Evan that they might not win on points, but he has won people's hearts. Carrie Ann loved how he took criticism. Len says he was a joy to watch. And seriously, any other season, he would have won this thing hands down. Poor guy. Backstage, Evan says how much he values his bond with Anna, and then they get a 28. Holy crap! I was sure they would get a perfect score. Oh well, they know they didn't win, so they don't care. They have a total of 108 points.
And it is finally time to announce the winner. Tense music. Lights up. And the winner is...Nicole and Derek. Anna has the best look on her face. It's like, "Well, that happened." Nicole is screaming, which is kind of annoying, because it's not like this was a surprise. Derek is thrilled. I do find that kind of charming because he's won before, so this could be not as fun this time around. Evan gives his diplomatic ice skating response to Brooke's stupid questions while Anna pretends to smile. And then Mark is right there to hoist Derek on his shoulders, like maybe they should remember that Nicole is the star here, not Derek. I wonder if Derek is leaving the show and that's why he cared so much. Kate has to insert herself in the mix, so she can get more camera time. Anyway, it's Nicole and Derek. See you back here for season, which Tom just told me premieres September 20th.
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