The theme this week is movies, movies, movies! Each couple will be performing to songs from the big screen. In all the rehearsal footage that they showed in the opening, there was none of Kate and Tony. What's up with that? How come Kate doesn't get one of those injuries that seem to happen each season? Poor Evan, the world-class athlete, breaks two toes and yet Kate stomps blithely on, ruining my Monday nights. LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Hey, here's a shocker. Brooke is wearing a bandage dress. Seriously, is that all she wears? Why? I mean, I know they're trendy but she's got the kind of figure that could make a potato sack look sexy, so why only wear one type of outfit? The couples are introduced and descend the stairs. The wardrobe, makeup and hair people must hate Kate as much as I do, because she always looks like hell. I mean, Niecy is a big gal, as she has discussed, and yet she always looks sexy and hourglassy and whatnot. And Kate just looks thick through the middle. Shouldn't she be losing weight from all the dancing? Between that and the lack of injuries and the lack of weight loss, as well as the general lack of dancing, I'm starting to think she doesn't rehearse as much as she should.
Niecy and Louis are up first with their jive to "La Bamba." Last week, the judges wanted to see more drama from Niecy, and both Niecy and Louis were offended by being called boring. In rehearsals, Niecy doesn't think she can fit through Louis's legs. She also gets easily winded, and realizes how she isn't fit. Louis realizes that Niecy expends a lot of energy goofing off, so he tries to get her to focus. Was he successful? Well, it starts off strong with a lot of footwork, and Louis does a good job of building breaks into the choreography where Niecy can catch her breath without looking like she's catching her breath. The second half kind of goes off the rails with some wild arms and legs, and Niecy getting a little behind the beat. But she performs it and sells it, which is half of the battle. She concludes by planting a big kiss on Len's forehead; let's see how long it takes until makeup wipes it off.
Len loved how much she put her personality into it, although her movements could have been sharper. He adds that she needed more bounce in her feet instead of her "bazookas." Bruno agrees that it lacked the sharpness needed in the movements, despite her obvious assets. Carrie Ann agrees about the footwork, but adds that it was nice to see Niecy having fun. If she doesn't beat the scores for Kate's jive by like ten, I'm going to be pissed. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. I guess they gave up on that two-score business. I'm mad that Niecy only got one more point from each judge than Kate did for her jive where she forgot more than half of the steps and had bitchface the whole time. Bullshit. Also, Len still has the lipstick on his forehead.
Chad and Cheryl are up with their quickstep to a song from The Jungle Book. Chad's holding a sign that's a tribute to his former teammate Chris Henry. Chad and Cheryl have trouble in rehearsals, and Chad thinks that there's something wrong with Cheryl's attitude. He keeps asking her what's wrong, and she will only say that she's under a lot of pressure and she needs him to work hard. So... what was the point of that exactly? I guess the producers got tired of the usual storyline of Chad pursuing Cheryl and Cheryl demurring. I just realized who he's like. He's like Pepe le Pew going after the black cat. Anyway, they dance to "Bare Necessities" and... it's not as good as last week. It's not terrible. The beginning is cute. But Cheryl needs to find ways to let Chad add his own flair into the routine, because in this one, he's too much in his head, trying to remember the steps, and looking very stiff. And then at the end, there's a bit where he runs over to her and it looks very awkward. Basically, instead of dancing together the whole time, they seemed like they were dancing at cross-purposes. I hope he survives until week, because I'd love to see him do another Latin dance.
Bruno thought their dance was a little bit too wild; they went for energy but lost control. Carrie Ann thought the routine was uneven, with good bits and bad bits, but she thinks Chad is having fun. Len thought it was lively with better posture, and he did his best with a difficult task. Len? Really? I bet he gives him like a 5, because when Len's going to give a low score, he always says something nice. Backstage, Brooke asks about that clip package, and Chad basically says that there was nothing wrong with Cheryl except that she wanted him to work hard. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6.
The couple is Erin and Maks, doing a Pulp Fiction jive. Last week, Erin kind of looked like a corpse in her tango. In rehearsals, Maks says that Erin needs to give him one hundred percent control over the situation. Yeah, that's going to happen. They continue to bicker and bicker and bicker. They argue about her hand position. They argue about her shoes. And yet, they're kind of laughing even while they're fighting, so I'm not all that worried. In their jive, Erin wears an Uma Thurman style wig and they start out seated at a table. Erin gets up and starts dancing to a really slow version of "You Never Can Tell." Maks dances with her, reluctantly, and he's looking at a menu the whole time. After the first verse, she grabs the menu and tosses it and the band kicks in and the song starts double time. Man, I was wondering! Because it was really slow in the beginning. Anyway, their routine is really fun and watchable. Erin does a good job with the kicks and flicks, and she's having a lot of fun out there. Something seems to go wrong at the end, though, as she ends a few beats too soon. Overall, it was a fun jive.
Carrie Ann loved the story, and liked the dance. She thought Erin got a little ahead of the beat at times. Len was worried at the beginning with the slowness, but loved it once the beat kicked in, even if it was occasionally hectic. Bruno thought it was Erin's best timing ever, and thinks she's on the right track. Erin and Maks do their usual messing with Tom, and then the camera goes to the stars in the waiting area. I don't think Erin and Maks knew the camera was going to cut back to Tom at the end, and it totally catches them embracing and kissing in a way that makes them look like a real couple. Oops. If Brooke has any balls, she'll ask them about that backstage. Scores first: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 8. Brooke does ask what's going on with them and they avoid the question until Erin says that nothing will be happening until he gives her a ring like Chad got Cheryl. Awesome. I like Erin more every week.
Jake had a lot of enthusiasm in his tango with Chelsie last week, but his technique wasn't great, and he fell. This week, they have the cha cha to a song from Risky Business. As they rehearse, Jake wants to know the schematics of every move, and Chelsie encourages him to hear the music. Jake comes into rehearsal dressed like Tom Cruise in the volleyball scene in Top Gun. Does anyone else find it weird that Maverick was playing beach volleyball in jeans? Who wears jeans to the beach? Anyway, they're dancing to "Old Time Rock and Roll" so of course Jake comes out in dress shirt and BVDs. Yuck. Chelsie tosses him some pants and it's sort of awkward since he has to put them on over his dress shoes. Once they finally start dancing, it's okay. Jake is still a little wild. He's overdancing. His arms are kind of flung around and he tends to get ahead of the beat. Like he's a robot and he's trying so hard to pretend that he feels human emotions. Which actually is a lot like how Tom Cruise is most of the time (jumping the couch, anyone?) so maybe it fits this dance. Jake does creep me out in almost exactly the same way that Tom Cruise does as well.
Len loves Jake's enthusiasm, and wishes he hadn't screwed up the ending. Bruno wonders why Jake had to put his pants on at all, and he thought he had great lines. Carrie Ann thinks that Jake has guts, and she loved the whole dance. Were they watching the same out-of-control mess that I was? Seriously, WTF? Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8. Boo. Overscored.
Last week, Pamela got huge marks from the judges, and this week, she'll be dancing to one of my all-time favorite songs, "9 to 5," the title song from the movie. They'll be doing the quickstep, so Pam needs to work on her stamina, although since she'll be playing Dolly Parton, she can probably get by on her boobs for a lot of it. Pam comes out and sits at a table and shows off her assets until Damian comes out and they finally start the quickstep. It took way too long to get there. And this is one of the slower quicksteps I've seen. It looks more like a waltz in the beginning. I don't know if it's the poor song choice or what. They do an impressive move where they dance up a chair, over a desk, and back down the other side, but I don't know if it's enough. It was kind of dull.
Bruno loves how Pam stays in character, and she kept her posture throughout. Carrie Ann agrees with Bruno, and says that she would even love to see Pam on Broadway. Len hated the twenty-four bars of just messing about, as anyone would who watched this show knew he would. He disparages "all that nonsense." I love him. He's so right. Without him, this show would turn into people doing two-minute skits with thirty seconds of dancing. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 8. Backstage, Pamela explains that they needed to use the props in the beginning because the beginning of the song is pretty dull. That's actually true. Len isn't buying it.
Ugh, Kate and Tony. She sucks, but she sucked a tiny bit less last week. They're doing the foxtrot to "Don't You Forget About Me" from The Breakfast Club. Kate has never seen the movie. Okay, she's in her mid-30s, right? How has she not seen that movie? Anyway, Tony wants her to do that move where you plug your nose and pretend that you're diving down and Kate just stares at him and bitches about how dumb it is. Tony is starting to lose his patience. He says that it's in the movie, and he wanted to add a bit of humor. She's like, "Are we swimming or are we dancing?" He should just kick her in the box. Seriously. I think Kate's biggest problem is that no one has ever just kicked her in the box. I don't normally advocate violence, but she needs a good smack. She has NO SENSE OF HUMOR. How does she get through life? Tony asks her to please put one ounce of energy into her dancing, and explains to the camera that Kate has no motivation and it's like pulling teeth. God, what an ungrateful sow. Why are people voting for her? WHY? WHY DO THEY DO IT? She's making me like Tony, and I've never liked Tony. Blech. So how is their actual dance? It is the most careful foxtrot of all time, and a lot of it features Kate caressing her long wig. Who originally said that someone danced like old people making love? That's what this is. Kate seems to think that singing along with the song equals putting energy into it. But it doesn't. Poor Tony.
Carrie Ann thinks Kate is developing seeds of grace and the camera man cuts to Bruno giving a "Bitch, please" look. Len thinks it was neat and precise, but she was strolling instead of dancing. Bruno says that Tony could have gotten more life out of "a frock with a coat hanger." Tony bites his lip and you can tell he wants to high five Bruno, who adds that Kate has gone backwards from last week's progress. Kate just smiles, so obviously someone told her to stop making bitchface at the judges. Backstage, Kate says that her kids visited her this week, and she spent a lot of her energy on them, and then basically says if you don't vote for her, you hate children. Right, because none of the other contestants have kids? Shut it, Kate. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, and Bruno 5.
Nicole and Derek had a bit of a slip last week, as she was tentative and then she cried and cried afterwards. In rehearsals, Derek works with Nicole on remembering to have fun while they dance. They have a tango to "Pretty Woman." Nicole says that she can relate to the movie because she's a whore. Okay, she didn't say that, but it's the dirty secret that people don't mention when they talk about the movie. I mean, Julia Roberts was a street whore. Anyway, they reenact the shopping scene in the movie except they steal the clothes? I don't get it. Their tango is very sharp but almost too sharp. It's violent. Derek is making weird faces. I think he's trying to look like Richard Gere or something. I don't like it. It's well done, and they didn't miss a step, but I just didn't like the choreography, and I usually like Derek's choreography. The audience gives them a standing ovation, though.
Len thinks it was Nicole's best dance and the best dance of the season so far. Bruno stands up and calls them "two players at the top of their game" and grabs Len and says "bursting with sexual tension!" Len doesn't even know what to do. Carrie Ann says they are superstars, and she loved every moment. Guess I'm in the minority. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9, and Bruno 10. I thought after those comments they were going to get the season's first perfect score. But that was plenty close.
Evan and Anna are batting cleanup and they're dancing the rumba to "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing." Can I admit that I always thought the chorus to that song went, "Because I miss you baby, and I don't want to miss you baby." I don't know what's wrong with me. Evan explains that he is traveling with the Stars on Ice tour and Anna will be traveling with him so they can rehearse. Evan knows that his biggest challenge this week will be his hip action, since it's so different than skating. So how did he do? God, Evan has such great lines. His long arms and legs are really put to great advantage. He still has his awkward moments where he doesn't quite hit the form, and he needs to work on pointing his toes. He does this squat thing a couple of times that doesn't look graceful at all and his hip action is just okay. It was good, but it wasn't as good as Nicole and Derek, I don't think.
Bruno tells Evan that his lines are exquisite, and his hips are getting better. Carrie Ann also liked the movement but thinks he needs to marry his top half and his bottom half sometimes. Len has nothing but praise for them, and tells Evan that he did a great job. Backstage, Evan says that he loves his competitors and he's really only competing with himself. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9.
So here are the overall scores:
Nicole and Derek: 29
Evan and Anna: 27
Jake and Chelsie: 23
Erin and Maks: 22
Pamela and Damian: 21
Chad and Cheryl: 18
Niecy and Louis: 18
Kate and Tony: 15
Relive the dances in all their glory or horror... depending.
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