Hey, cats and kittens. It's been a busy off season for your intrepid weecapper as I gave birth to twin boys since the last season ended. The bonus for you readers -- severe sleep deprivation makes me loopy so expect these weecaps to be weirder than ever. And I promise that's the last I'll mention the babies, because I know you come here to read my astute and hilarious observations about...okay, I can't even finish that sentence seriously. I'm actually not sure why you come here, but I'm glad that you do, and now it's time for a whole new season. And due to my recent hibernation from all things pop culture, I actually don't know much about this season's contestants and pairings other than the names, so I'm as excited to find out about them as you are. At least some of them. And it's all happening LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Before any dancing begins, we see a credit sequence introducing the pairings. My pre-season faves are Chad Ochocinco (do you follow his Twitter feed? Freaking hilarious) and Niecy Nash (because I love both Reno 911 and Clean House). I just hope they can dance a little bit. And they FINALLY ditched Samantha! And replaced her with... Brooke Burke. Who I really only know from this show and from Rock Star. Wait, was that her or Brooke Burns? Do we really live in a world where we need both of the Brookes? Can't they consolidate into one and eliminate the confusion? Only eleven stars this season, which is fantastic news. There were way too many last season. The band heats up and the couples make their grand entrances down the stairs. Somebody messed up the sound mix and you can barely hear Tom and Brooke introduce the couples. Evan Lysacek looks terrified. Like when Buzz Aldrin looks more animated than you, and he's like a million years old, you know you've got problems. Pam Anderson forgot to comb her hair before the show started. I get that she's going for the "just got laid" bed head look, but really, isn't she getting a little old for that? I'm all for women older than 20 being seen as sex symbols, but I'm also all for aging gracefully.
The first performers this season are Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl. I first started liking Ochocinco when I picked him for my fantasy football team this season, and then I started paying more attention to his antics on and off the field, and then I started following his Twitter feed. And the thing I love about him is, unlike most other professional athletes, he doesn't take himself seriously at all. In their clip package, Cheryl is impressed with his work ethic, and that he doesn't want false praise. He doesn't show much charisma in his interviews, though. They're dancing the cha cha. He starts out with some really fast footwork, and doesn't seem to mess it up. For the first week, he's pretty good. His posture needs a lot of work, and his arms need to be sharper, with better extension. But he's got rhythm, his hip movement has potential, and he and Cheryl have a lot of chemistry. A LOT of chemistry. I'm sure there will be tons of rumors about them.
They have this weird new skybox this season where the other pairs hang out and watch their competitors. I appreciate not locking them in that weird room backstage and all, but that's going to take some getting used to. Anyway, Len loves how he attacked the dance, but says that he needs a bit more polish, especially with his posture. Bruno thinks Chad has great talent, but he needs to be a bit sharper and have more conviction. Carrie Ann thinks he has "raw something" (cookie dough? I like raw cookie dough) and she wants to see more. They head over to the new skybox (Tom calls it "the celebriquarium") to talk to Brooke and get his scores. Did Brooke get a nose job? Her face looks totally different to me, and I spent a lot of time looking at her during her season as a contestant. Anyway, scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. Wow, I think that's way underscored. I get that they can't start off too high, but I thought it was better than that.
You guys, I kind of forgot Brenda (aka Shannen Doherty) was on the show. I'm sure she's mellowed with age, but I really want her to have bitchface the whole time. She could show Kate Gosselin a thing or two about being the biggest bitch around, no? Ooh, imagine those two in a catfight. Shannen would rip Kate's extensions right out, and people would cheer! Anyway, Shannen explains in her clip package that her dad had a stroke, and he asked her to do the show, so that's why she's here with her partner Mark. And if you've read my weecaps before, you know that I can't stand him, so this should be interesting. Shannen explains that she gets so nervous about live performance that she breaks out in hives. Oh, dear. They are doing the Viennese waltz. Shannen is quite graceful. Some might say surprisingly so. She forgets a step early on and breaks character to smile at herself, but recovers nicely. Her posture is great, and that's something that a lot of stars don't get at first. The choreography is boring to me, and seems repetitive, but that could be the dance. It's good enough to get her through to the round, I think, and I can't wait to see what she'll do . One caveat about their costumes: Mark is wearing a black suit and black gloves; any time I see a dude wearing black gloves, I think he must be a serial killer. Which would explain so much about Mark, wouldn't it?
Bruno thinks the choreography was difficult, and that she swung her arms around too much. Shannen says that her dad was smiling, and that's all that matters. Her dad is there in the audience. Aw. Carrie Ann is impressed with how Shannen did, given her nerves, and she thinks as Shannen gets out of her head, she'll improve. Len loved the ease and elegance, and has only nice things to say. Backstage, Shannen is crying about her dad, and her dad is crying too. The producers are eating this up. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. I love the face Anna is making behind them -- a grimace like she's thinking "EEEEE! These scores are so low!"
Erin Andrews (of ESPN fame) is partnered with Maks, and they are up . You know, I used to hate Maks, and then I grew to love him when he was partnered with Mel B. but then he says, "There's one level I work at -- max!" Ugh. That is lame. And then Erin tells him on their first meeting that she actually asked to work with Tony. Awesome. In rehearsals, they joke around and seem to enjoy each other, which is nice. Maks needs a partner that will stand up to him and won't take his crap, I think. Which is why I liked him with Mel B. so much. They are doing the cha cha. She's good, but she kind of has Joanna Krupa syndrome where she doesn't bend her legs at the knees enough and she ends up looking like a Barbie doll. She puts a lot of personality into it, though, playing to the cameras and such, so it's fun to watch.
Carrie Ann thinks Erin moves well, and they have a good connection. Len calls Erin "a funky monkey" and thought their routine was challenging, although he also noticed her leg problems. Bruno thought it was a wonderful debut and makes some joke about her throwing her legs in the air well. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. I do appreciate that they're not throwing nines around yet.
Jake was The Bachelor allegedly; I don't watch that show (or haven't in many seasons), so I'll take his word for it. He's partnered with Chelsie, so he must be short. I think they give Chelsie all the shorties. Since Jake has no personality, they use the clip package to try to make us feel for him, because he's worried! That he's not a good dancer! They're doing the Viennese waltz, and not only do they start out with him giving Chelsie a rose (like on The Bachelor!), but they're dancing to "Kiss From a Rose" by Seal. A bit too on the nose. So Jake is stiff, but he gets all the steps right. He needs to work on his hand placement too. Actually, he needs to work on a lot of things, but he's not the worst male star I've seen in week one. This season might be tough, though. The competition is fierce.
Len though he moved well and was impressed that they did the dance in hold. Bruno babbles something about killing and eating Chelsie. Seriously, I have no idea and I could go back and rewind ten times and I still wouldn't know. Carrie Ann is also talking nonsense about bravado. That was a weird judges' sequence. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 7. I think we watched different routines. I thought it was kind of boring and stiff. Not terrible, but boring.
Niecy! She is fun. She's paired with Louis. She's kind of got the Kelly Osbourne thing as she explains that she grew up as a chubby girl and always had to stand in the back row. In rehearsal, Niecy explains that she likes her jiggly parts, and she's not interested in losing weight on the show. She wants to show people that she can be herself, in the shape she is, and still be a great dancer. Oh my God, I love her. I want her cha cha to be so good, and...it's good. But not great. It's a little slow. She's got personality in spades, so it's entertaining, and she's got rhythm, but her footwork could be better and her posture could be better.
When it ends, Niecy is crying. She tells Tom that she's happy. I think she was more nervous that anyone imagined. Bruno tells her to keep her sassiness throughout, because she lost it at times. Carrie Ann disagrees, and loved her energy. Len thought it was clear and precise, but uneventful and flat. Niecy yells out that she's happy that she remembered the routine. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 5, and Bruno 6. Niecy says that she's dedicating her performance to thick girls everywhere.
I'm not a big Evan Lysacek fan, but I can appreciate his skill on the ice. He just seems really boring and like he's a skating robot with no personality. Like when he's not skating, he just sits in a closet somewhere waiting for the rehearsal. His partner is Anna, who has enough personality for both of them, I guess. They're doing the Viennese waltz to "I'll Be" which I feel like has been used before on this show, but I'm too tired to go look it up. Someone in the forums will point it out if it has, so go check there. Those people have scary powers of recollection. Anyway, Evan is weirdly awkward off the ice. He tries to do all the spins, and you'd think he'd be better at them, but he explained that he has to rotate the opposite way he would do on the ice. He's nice and tall and has good lines and extension but he has zero personality.
Carrie Ann loved it, but thought he needed to connect to the audience more. Len liked the artistry and musicality, but he needs to work on his footwork and chemistry. Bruno mumbles something again. Is his accent getting stronger? I think he said something about a 747? Anyway, he thought it was wonderful. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8. I didn't think it was that good. But I also don't like Evan, so I'm biased.
The oldest contestant this year is Buzz Aldrin, famed astronaut. His partner is Ashly, who hasn't been on the show since season three. Buzz says that Ashly is "a real babe" and everyone laughs because old people are funny when they use modern terminology. Ashly worries about Buzz's ability to remember all the steps, because he's eighty years old. He's a crusty old bird, and he's supposed to do the cha cha. This could be interesting. Aw, you guys. He's just walking around the floor while Ashly dances. And he's mouthing the steps as he does them. And to top it off, he's not a very good dancer. You just want him to be better and all you can think watching him is, "I hope he doesn't break a hip." It's not even like with Cloris, where she was doing it for comedic effect. I'm not one for sentimentalizing old people because I think it's condescending, but I do still feel for the old coot.
Len pays tribute to Buzz's bravery in going to the moon, and he thinks that same bravery got Buzz on the floor tonight, even if the dancing sucked. Bruno knows he can't criticize a hero and a legend, but he will. Carrie Ann calls him cute, because old people are like babies, and she thinks he inspired a ton of people tonight. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 4, and Bruno 5. The audience boos, but come on. That was generous.
Nicole Not Even Going To Attempt Her Last Name from the Pussycat Dolls is partnered with Derek. This doesn't quite seem fair. I mean, she danced onstage for years, right? She does that thing that every trained dancer on this show tries to do, which is claim that she's danced before but ballroom is totally different! Honestly! It's nothing like all the other dancing she's done! And then those people make it to the finals every year. Anyway, they are going the Viennese waltz. She's practically perfect. It's almost gross. She's a bit stiff in parts, and she doesn't really seem to get the character of the dance since she's smiling and Derek isn't, but these are minor things. She's really good.
Bruno yells and screams and calls it "a performance of startling finesse" and says that he's astounded. Carrie Ann thinks the bar has been set for the season, and she's never seen such a good routine the first week. Len found some flaws and points them all out. Thank God. Bruno and Carrie Ann are shocked, but I'm glad it wasn't just a tongue bath. Although it also could have been calculated so that the viewers wouldn't hate her. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 7, and Bruno 9.
Aiden Turner is on All My Children. I've never seen this dude in my life, but he's partnered with Edyta. He's kind of a goofball, and he's really hot. Unfortunately, he looks really stiff in rehearsal. So here's their cha cha. Well, he's good at pretending like he wants to jump Edyta's bones. He might not be pretending. And Edyta did a great job of setting up the dance so he just stands there and strikes a post while she dances around. He doesn't seem to miss a lot of steps, but his postures is terrible and he has no hip action. He sure is pretty, though.
Carrie Ann thought he was on the beat, but there was no flow to the routine. Len thinks he could be a dancer, but there was too much messing about in the beginning, and he did too much standing around while Edyta danced. Bruno thought there was nothing going on in the groin, and he was "stiff as a plank," which would indicate something going on in the groin, right? As they go to commercial, they show Pam Anderson and Kate Gosselin backstage. Kate is laughing for no reason and Pam is ripping up flowers and throwing them at the camera and then she just walks off and leaves Kate sitting there like an idiot. I like that Pam. Anyway, after the commercial, we hear the scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, and Bruno 5. Backstage, Aiden seems really bummed.
Ugh. Kate. I don't even want to get started on how much she bugs me. Everything about her. Her stupid hair. Her bitchy attitude. Her victimhood. I hope she's really terrible. Her partner is Tony, who also bugs me, so I can root against them easily. In rehearsal, Tony has to ask Kate if she really wants to be there, which tells me that she was being a super bitch to him. Or maybe I'm projecting. Anyway, they are doing the Viennese waltz. It's really amazing how Kate looks like a different person with the hair extensions. Anyway, Tony has made a routine where Kate doesn't have to do much actual dancing, which is good. Oof. Someone needed to teach her how to point her toe when she kicks her leg out. Her footwork is bad. But at least she smiles throughout and she doesn't seem to forget the steps.
Len thinks her nerves showed through, and she needs to enjoy it more. Bruno knows it's a whole new world, but her technique was terrible and she didn't perform. Kate has a poker face throughout and Tom tells Bruno he lacks tact. Carrie Ann knows that Kate isn't a performer or an athlete, and she did well anyway. Kate just can't hide how pissed off she is at all. You know she wants to start yelling at them. She just has bitch face all of the time. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, and Bruno 5. Kate has to bring up her kids in her interview, even though it totally feels shoehorned in. No one cares, Kate.
Pamela Anderson is last, and her partner is the new pro, Damian. Pam tells him that she has no dance experience and no rhythm. They're doing the cha cha, and Pam knows nothing about choreography either. Damian tries to get Pam to feel more confident, since he thinks she's better than she gives herself credit for. So how is their cha cha? Well, you know they put her last to get the dudes to stay tuned until the end of the show. And I know Pam's boobs get all the attention, but she's got great legs too. And she's a really good dancer! Damn! I was expecting her to be bad. I mean, there are things she can work on, but her footwork is snappy and she's got great rhythm.
Bruno tells her she's sexy and he keeps rambling about how hot she is. Carrie Ann was waiting to see her, and she didn't disappoint, and she seemed like she was having fun out there. Tom jokes that he feels twelve years old, and everyone is under Pam's sexy spell. Len wants to say that everyone tonight was brilliant, and then tells Pam that her routine was messy and off time, but sexy. Also, I think Pam might be drunk based on her actions backstage. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 8. The judges all toss their hair around when giving their scores. Pam is really loopy. More than usual. Interesting.
So overall, I'm still rooting for Niecy and Chad, but was unexpectedly impressed by Pam and Shannen. No one else really set me on fire, but they have another dance to do week, and sometimes people break out once their first dance nerves are out of the way. And Brooke Burke was okay, but I feel like she's competent. At least with Samantha, there was always the chance (well, less of a chance and more of a sure bet) that she'd do something weird and I kind of miss that edge. There's no pleasing me. See you week. Here are your scores:
Nicole and Derek: 25
Evan and Anna: 23
Erin and Maks: 21
Pam and Damian: 21
Jake and Chelsie: 20
Chad and Cheryl: 18
Shannen and Mark: 18
Niecy and Louis: 18
Kate and Tony: 16
Aiden and Edyta: 15
Buzz and Ashly: 14
Get our predictions on who will win.
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