Tom claims that the stars gave dazzling performances last night. Well, some of them did. I don't know that Kelly's freestyle was dazzling. Mya's was good, but not dazzling. Anyway, I get that it's not like he's going to say that only some of them gave dazzling performances. And he promises that tonight will be jam-packed. And with that, all of this season's couples are back and walking down the stairs. Ooh, Macy Gray actually showed up. I read a rumor that she threatened to blow it off. They're doing some weird football team tunnel thing where the three remaining finalists are walking through the other couples and doing high fives. You can tell Kelly wins Miss Congeniality because all of the eliminated couples want to give her a kiss or hug. That's sweet. But it's making the producers nervous. This isn't American Idol, people. This show always ends on time, and frankly, the producers deserve an Emmy for that.
Right in the middle of the clip package reviewing last night's performances, they cut to a frozen shot of Miss Piggy with her back to the camera. After about thirty seconds, they cut to Tom, who reminds us that the show is live, and they cut to commercial to reset. Okay, so we're back. Basically, last night Kelly's tango was good but her freestyle was marred by multiple errors, but she had fun anyway, which you kind of have to admire. Mya got a perfect score on her paso, even though I still think it was too similar to Maks and Mel's, but the judges thought her freestyle didn't meet their expectations. Donny had tons of fun on the floor in his cha cha cha and then killed it on his freestyle, after the other two kind of flubbed it to put himself in the top spot emotionally, even if he wasn't on top of the scoreboard.
It's Whitney! Here to sing "Million Dollar Bill." I know her pipes aren't what they used to be, but she's still got it. I'm old enough to remember when her first album came out and it was a revelation. And then it was another revelation when she tried to dance in her videos and she was HORRIBLE. She's learned to keep the dancing to a minimum and just sing, and let her backup dancers do the work. And Mya could take some lessons from her in how to work the crowd. And it's nice to see her having some fun out there. At the end of her song, fake money is released from the ceiling and all I can think is that if this isn't pretaped, that's a lot of cleanup. At the end of the song, Whitney runs over and hugs her cousin Dionne Warwick.
Clip package of Jeff Ross talking about the concept introduced earlier in the season: The Loser's Club, for people who were the first voted off in their seasons. Current members (that will show up on camera) are Jeff Ross, Kenny Mayne, and Penn Jillette. Jeff is there live to induct this season's new member, Ashley Hamilton, who has a great sense of humor about himself to show up for this. He takes a turn on the dance floor with Edyta, as Ross demonstrates why he was first voted off in his season when he can't even clap in time to the music. Shortly, Ashley dumps Edyta on the floor and takes a gallop around with Jeff as his partner, and then they conclude by both ripping their shirts open. I think Jeff Ross's belly rivals mine, and I'm seven months pregnant with twins. He's brave. The song ends and Ashley hops up on the judges' table for hugs. Here's the thing about that segment; it wasn't drop-dead hilarious, but it was short and amusing, and in a two-hour results show, that's the best I can hope for. I'd rather watch that than another clip package with the remaining stars in a warehouse or parking garage somewhere talking about how they're going to win.
Time to review the season. First up is a clip package covering the first three weeks. Memorable moments included Kelly's parents sobbing, Macy Gray being bizarre, guest judge Baz Luhrmann, Aaron's weirdo green tuxedo, Tom DeLay almost dropping Cheryl on her back, Chuck Liddell's arm ruffles, Tom DeLay dropping out due to injury, and Aaron crying in the confessional.
This leads into a triple dance with Kathy Ireland and Tony, Macy Gray and Jonathan, and Debi Mazar and Maks. Kathy starts and I think it's supposed to be a tango, and I'm totally basing this on her outfit, rather than any dance moves. Then Macy comes out and...oh dear. My husband asks if she ate Debi Mazar backstage. Don't miss her. And Debi puts her all into her few minutes on the floor, bless her.
Hey, remember when everyone got the flu? It hit Derek, Mark, Donny, and Lacey. Tom DeLay had to withdraw due to foot injuries. Bad times. I'm also going to pretend that I didn't just see Maks, shirtless, giving Miss Piggy a shoulder massage. That must be some sort of delusion I just had.
Tom DeLay is back to do the Texas two-step he never got to do when he dropped out. He's really bad. At one point, Cheryl does some footwork and Tom just stands there and watches her. I think he's supposed to be doing it too? And then he shakes his butt. Everything about this needs to stop happening. At the end of the dance, Tom Bergeron puts on his cowboy hat and proves the theory that people who look good on television have outsized heads, because it's just perched on top of his head. That's not a good look. But at least that's over.
Time to review weeks four through six! They are zipping right along. I like it. Memorable moments of this segment included Louis getting terrible scores and noting that at least he's not crying like Aaron, Carrie Ann telling Aaron to tone it down a notch, Derek and Joanna practically doing it on the dance floor, Melissa getting high scores (undeserved in my opinion), Maks taking over when Derek got the flu, Aaron making a comeback, Mark breaking through with Len, Louis finally finding his passion, the group Hustle, and Natalie getting eliminated way too early.
Chuck Liddell and Anna are back to do the paso doble. I still feel like you'd expect Chuck to be better at the paso than he is. Mark and Lacey are also there to join in and Mark gets to show off his gymnastics skills. I don't know what's up with Lacey's hair but it's all in front of her face. And then Chuck and Mark do a martial arts "fight" in the middle of the floor, which is an interesting idea but it was kind of too short. At least they tried something different. When they finish, Samantha asks them who would win in a fight, and they all agree that Lacey would.
Oh, my favorite segment: Coach Carolla. He makes his return to try to coach Donny, the last man standing. He gets in a few digs at Kelly for trying to take the trophy back to England, and Mya for...well, there's really nothing you can make fun of Mya for, is there? Then he confiscates Donny's guyliner and tries to get him to pray, but Donny blows him off. I read on Adam's wife's Twitter that Adam's favorite part of that segment got cut, though, and now I'm curious what it was.
In the fifth week, Natalie got sent home too early, in my opinion. So now she's back to do one more routine with Alec. And when you watch her after seeing all of the other eliminated people, she really is leagues ahead of them. Maybe she came off as a cold fish (no pun intended) but her technique is really good. Even Tom asks if it's too late to vote her back in.
In week seven, Louis dropped Chelsie, and Aaron made a comeback with Len. They had to do a competition mambo, where they all danced at the same time, which Joanna and Derek won despite their somewhat vulgar movements. Kelly's routine made Bruno get up on the desk and shake his hips. Aaron's forehead vein freaked me out, and Team Tango won the team competition.
Melissa never got to perform her knockout dance, the salsa, so she's here to do it now. It's an homage to The Mask, with Mark wearing the bright yellow suit that you may remember from Helio's freestyle in his season's finals. And this song, "Cuban Pete", was also used previously. Have we run out of music already? Anyway, it's decent but it suffers from all of the problems that Melissa's routines suffered from during her season, although she does do an impressive drop into a split at the end.
Clip package of the judges talking about the finalists. Len finds Kelly's place in the finals to be unexpected, and Bruno points out how well she connects with the audience. Carrie Ann talks about how Donny is a born showman, and Kym is his perfect partner. So true. I don't know that he would have made it this far with a different partner. Mya is the most talented, according to Len, and Bruno thinks she never goes wrong (well, except in her freestyle last night). Shouldn't we have seen this package last night? It seems a little late to tell us that only one couple is going to win.
To kill some more time, the finalists are introduced yet again. I'm still fascinated by the amount of Botox in Donny's forehead.
Let's review each partnership. First up, Louis and Kelly. Kelly hated "standing in a room and looking at herself in a mirror, sweating," due to her lack of confidence. But when Bruno told her she was beige, she got upset, but then she got serious. And she admits that this has changed her life, as she and Louis both start crying. And now, their final dance together, a reprise of their Viennese waltz. This was a great choice, as it really shows off Kelly's beautiful lines and joy at being out on the floor. I'm glad her freestyle wasn't her final showing. Wow, weird pairing in the audience --- Marie Osmond is sitting to Steve-O. The audience starts chanting her name and Len can barely be heard over them as he says that he loved having her on the show. Bruno calls her "a ballroom princess" who found a new level of confidence. Carrie Ann is all choked up as she says that Kelly has touched her the most out anyone from any season. Sharon is totally crying in the audience. Ozzy would be crying if his face could move.
Let's take a look at Mya and Dmitry. Dmitry claims that he knew they had a good chance at the finals from the first show, even with Len's low scores. Mya was really proud of herself when she finally got her 10 from Len. She and Dmitry don't cry like Louis and Kelly, though. They've decided to reprise their jive. It really bothers me that none of the judges really ever called Mya out on the fact that she barely ever makes eye contact with her partner. I don't know if it's shyness, or the fact that she is used to performing solo, but it's bothered me all season and it's one of the reasons I've had a hard time warming up to her. I'm also surprised they didn't reprise her samba. Anyway, Bruno says that Mya is magnificent. Carrie Ann thinks that Mya set the pace this season. Len knows they've had their ups and downs, but he compliments her staying power.
And the final couple is Donny and Kym. Donny says he knew from the beginning that he and Kym would have fun, and they did. Donny was surprised at how tough the schedule was, especially with his show in Vegas and his family in Utah. Wait, did Donny just claim to be 46 years old? I hope he was saying that he's been in show business for 46 years, because dude is a few weeks away from turning 52. Donny and Kym have decided to reprise their Argentine tango. Donny does a great job; the footwork is sharp. His posture could be better, but that's always true. I won't be upset if he wins. Carrie Ann wishes she could see them dance some more, and Bruno and Len also offer up compliments as the audience chants his name.
Backstage, Samantha points out to the couples that they've performed for the last time on the show. Kelly jokes that she'll miss Louis so much that she's going to stalk him. Mya points out that their routine is being stripped away immediately. Donny says this ranks in the top of all of his experiences. Len is ready to announce the rankings. Kelly and Louis are third, Mya and Dmitry are second, and Donny and Kym are shocked to be first. Donny seriously looks surprised. I don't know that these scores will make a huge difference in the final tally, because I think Donny has a much bigger fan base, but I'm no mathematician.
Chelsie and Louie are back to dance to "Puppy Love," which Donny will be singing live, like he's not busy enough. How many times do you think he's performed this song in his life? Ten thousand? The routine starts out as a waltz (I think, or maybe a rumba), but then tempo speeds up and it turns into a jive, with Louie doing back tucks all over the place. Not so much a dance, but does it really matter at this point? Samantha interviews them and says that Louie and Chelsie aren't dating or anything. Weird that she had to say that, because now I think that they totally are.
And now Jerry Rice and Michael Irvin are going to have a grudge match. Michael points out all of the ways that he wanted to be better than Jerry (number of Super Bowls, etc.) and couldn't. So now they're going to dance the paso doble against each other: Jerry and Anna T. vs. Michael and Anna D. They dance to the old Monday Night Football theme, with each wearing their former team's colors. It's pretty awesome, actually. Jerry's posture is way better, but Michael has more personality. Michael messes up the ending, though. What did the judges think? Len says that they decided that Michael was the winner. Michael grabs the trophy (a tiny mirror ball ring) but the judges aren't done yet. They think Jerry had a better body, so they gave him a ring too. Lame. I hate ties.
Aaron and Karina are back to perform their Muppet quickstep. God I'm glad Aaron didn't make the finals. He makes me crazy. I forgot how much I dislike him. With the mugging and the over-the-top energy. Blech. Aaron says in his interview that he wants to inspire others. Whatever.
I can't even talk about this part. Cloris, Jerry Springer, Woz, and Joanna are backstage with Miss Piggy. Sadly, she's kind of better at interviewing than Samantha. What was that? It's time to review the highlights of weeks eight and nine. This was the week of Mya's awesome samba and the first perfect score of the season, as well as Joanna and Derek's paso doble FROM THE FUTURE and Donny's Adam Ant thing. And then the finalists were revealed, and Joanna went home. And then took to her Twitter and proceeded to badmouth everyone else left on the show, because she's a terrible person.
So they're doing a competition mambo with Cloris and Corky, Jerry and Edyta, Woz and Karina, and Derek and Joanna. This is a joke. Jerry is kind of taking it seriously. I don't know what Cloris is doing and I don't want to know. Woz is rolling around on the floor and I'm not even kidding. Please make this end. Cloris gets knocked out first, and then Jerry. Not sure why they kept Woz. Oh, because he had to bring back his "hilarious" worm. Sigh. Why do they encourage him? Things are just devolving into chaos now. Finally Woz leaves and then Derek and Joanna bring back their bobbing move, except Derek is the one doing the bobbing. GET IT? IT'S HILARIOUS!! HA HA HA!
Whitney Houston is back to perform "I Wanna Dance with Somebody." She's singing live, too. No lip syncing for Ms. Houston. Five pro couples come out to dance. I believe it's Mark and Chelsie, Alec and Edyta, Maks and Lacey, Jonathan and Anna, and Tony and Cheryl. Well, they switch up partners a few times. Whitney needs to hire a new stylist; she's gained weight in the middle and her high-waisted dress doesn't flatter her.
Let's waste some more time asking the eliminated contestants what they think of the finalists. Macy is drugged and Debi admits that she's been rooting for Kelly. Cut to Tom, who is going to reveal the third-place couple. And after faffing about for a while, to the surprise of no one, he reveals that it's Kelly and Louis. That's totally right. She shouldn't beat Donny or Mya based on her performances. Kelly thanks the viewers for voting for her every week. Tom admits that he was looking forward to seeing Kelly the most every week, due to her growth. Kelly and Louis take a final bow.
Finally, it's time to find out who is the champion of season nine of this show. Donny looks like he's going to vomit. Mya looks at peace. So who is the winner? Donny and Kym! Donny hugs Kym and then runs over and carries his wife out onto the floor. Samantha lets Mya get some last words in, and Mya says that she's had the time of her life. Like a million Osmonds are out on the floor but finally Tom gets to present Donny with his trophy. The Ballas/Hough dynasty has been broken. I'm not sad to see this particular season end and I hope they don't repeat the mistake of starting with so many couples, but I will miss the finalists. Overall, I think this was the right outcome, though.
Get the latest recaplets, weecaps, blogs and more on-the-go via your smart phone with TWoP's mobile site.