Last night, it was a sausage fest, and the judges were not sparing with the criticism, which is exactly the way I like it. But tonight, we get our first look at the female competition, and we'll see it all happen... LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Let me make a correction first: One of my readers pointed out that the Melissa Etheridge segment I talked about in last night's weecap actually featured Andy Richter, not Triumph. Sorry, Andy! And thanks reader Michael! Since last night opened with a dance by the male pros, tonight we get to see a fan dance by the female pros. And you know, until someone mentioned Julianne in the forums today, I kind of forgot she existed. I didn't miss her at all. That's probably not a good sign for her post-DWTS career, is it? Then again, I don't listen to much country music. Anyway, the female pro dance is nice, although I notice at one point that Anna D. totally runs into Lacey. I wonder how she is being received by the other pros. Also, Karina really needs a stylist. Remember last season when she had the weird Flashdance hair for a while? Her style is back to normal but the color is all wrong for her. She looks better with darker hair, I think.
Tom and Samantha introduce the season's contestants once again. What is going on with Samantha's hair? She's got it up, somehow, so that from the front, it looks like a weird curled bob. She is just weird. Also, I think I want the job of bongo player in the house band. He always looks like he's having a good time. And playing the bongos. I notice that they're showing the phone numbers for the men again tonight as they are introduced, so I guess you can still vote for the men? Also strange. They haven't been very specific about if the two eliminated couples tomorrow night will be one man and one woman, or just the two lowest regardless of sex. Perhaps they will reveal more tonight.
Debi Mazar and Maks are up first tonight. I freaking love her. I think I was the one person that used to watch That's Life on CBS, and she was my favorite part of it. And I love that she's paired with Maks because I think, like Mel B., she will put him in his place. In rehearsal they get along okay, except that Debi won't shut up and keeps bringing up irrelevant topics to Maks's never-ending frustration. These two could be amusing.
Judges? Len thought the hip action was missing because Debi was a little flat-footed, but he adds that Debi was full of energy and potential. Bruno loves how she worked her bazooms. He advises her to keep her weight on the balls of her feet, but he acknowledges that it was a difficult routine. Carrie Ann thinks it's tougher for girls, but Debi needs to give more sass in her facial expressions instead of letting the audience see what she's thinking at all times. No mention of the lift, huh? Maks gives Tom a goose before he goes, as usual. Backstage, Samantha tries to make an awkward threesome joke before the scores are revealed: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, and Bruno 5 for a total of 16. I get that the judges have to start low, but I thought she was underscored. Then again, I love her, so I might be biased.
up are Melissa Joan Hart and Mark. On the one hand, I've always kind of liked Melissa Joan's dorky charm from back in the Clarissa Explains It All days. On the other hand, either she loves the spotlight or she has an overzealous publicist because she is EVERYWHERE! Every time she gets knocked up, or pops out a kid, or buys something at Kitson, I feel like there is a two-page spread in People. She needs to just go away for a while, and being on this show is just another symptom of that. So we'll see. It doesn't help that I kind of hate Mark, too. In rehearsal, Mark works hard on Melissa's posture and footwork. Boring.
Their Viennese waltz begins with one of those "lying on the stairs, wandering around" vignettes that Len and I hate so much. I do dig Melissa's flowy white dress, though. Her posture is good when she's in hold, but her footwork seems a little off. Something is just awkward in their turns. She is very graceful, though, which helps a lot in the waltz. Her arms look good. I can't pinpoint what's off about her feet, but the judges probably will.
Bruno asks Melissa if she's nervous and then cackles for like a minute. Creepy. He says that it was an adequate dance, but it never caught fire, and her shoulders tensed up. Bruno knows she can do better. Carrie Ann thinks they created some beautiful moments, but it seemed a little choppy. For some reason, they cut to Donny Osmond. Boo. Len didn't like the start. Me neither! Len liked the parts where they were hold, but he points out that she didn't close her feet and needs to work on her footwork. See, I knew something was up with her feet. I think she just wasn't on her toes enough, so during the turns she couldn't pivot on the balls of her feet because she was too flat-footed. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6 for a total of 18.
Mya and Dmitry are the couple to dance. Mya admits that she's been tapping since she was five, but she's never done ballroom. She's not just a part-time tapper; she's like seriously good. After rehearsing a bit, she realizes that her prior dance experience doesn't really prepare her for the waltz. But she is happy to be dancing with Dmitry, since she thinks he's cute. Mya is way more charming than I expected. I'm rooting for her.
I don't love her dress, though. It kind of looks like an '80s prom dress. They're dancing to "Vision of Love" though, so maybe it kind of fits. Their dance is really gorgeous. Mya has great leg extension, and her footwork is spot on as well. She doesn't stumble or hesitate once. My only nitpick is that there wasn't much waltz in their waltz; it felt more like what a little kid would do if you put on waltz music and told them to dance. There were a few measures done in hold with the old "one-two-three, one-two three" that you would expect, but compared to Mark's routine just prior, this one felt more like interpretive dance. A beautiful one, but not waltz-y enough. She's one to watch, though. She could tear this competition up. I'm excited to see how she does in the Latin round.
Carrie Ann thinks Mya set the bar, and she loved her quality of movement and turns. Len takes them to task for not following the rules of waltz, because they were only in hold for three measures. That's what I'm saying! God, every season I turn more and more into Len. Bruno shouts Len down, and the audience agrees with him. Len finally gets to talk again and says that Mya is a fantastic dancer and Dmitry let her down with his choreography. Tom rescues the moment (as usual) by doing a callback to Len's comment and asking if he's been to three bars tonight. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 5, and Bruno 8. Look, someone has to be the standard-bearer of traditional ballroom, and Len has taken on that role. If there were no rules, this would turn into Solid Gold or Dance Fever. It's supposed to be at least partially a ballroom/Latin competition, and I applaud Len for taking the unpopular view. Plus, enough people will be mad at mean old Len that they'll vote for Mya and put her through anyway.
Dame Elizabeth Taylor's favorite, Kathy Ireland, is up with her partner Tony. Seriously, Liz Taylor has been tweeting about voting for Kathy. It's weird. In rehearsals, Tony tries to teach Kathy how to shimmy and then laughs that she looks like she's driving a truck (which she does). And she also has trouble hearing the beat. This should be interesting.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Kathy is so tall, since she was a model and all, but she's even taller than Tony. In their salsa, she does well when she's in hold, but it kind of falls apart when she's not. Her shoulders are weird. Tony definitely choreographed to her strengths, as there is a lot of instances where Kathy just stands there and poses while Tony dances around her - I like to call this the Julianne Hough school of dancing. I mean, she's not terrible and her footwork was mostly good, but I think she'll do better at ballroom.
Len thinks she has potential, but it lacked energy and was too careful. Bruno doesn't think she sold the salsa enough, and she needs to put more sex into it. Tom notes that Len has a fly buzzing around and jokes that it has to do with the quality of his comments tonight. Carrie Ann thought that was hilarious. Carrie Ann tells Kathy that her posture is great, but she needs to loosen up overall, especially her hips. Yeah, that's it. She needs more hip action. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, and Bruno 5 for a total of 16.
Olympic swimmer Natalie Coughlin is paired with Alec. She looks more like a supermodel than a swimmer, when she's all dolled up. Since she's not a performer, Natalie has a hard time getting her face relaxed and smiling while she's dancing, so Alec works with her on that. She admits that when she swims, she bites her lip and has even drawn blood before. Yikes! Alec wants no blood on the dance floor, and I don't blame him.
Natalie actually has hip action in her salsa, when she remembers, which is better than the dancers who have gone before her tonight. Her arms look great too, but her footwork is not great. I feel like Latin footwork especially needs to be quick and sharp, and hers isn't. She also forgets to smile sometimes; she's definitely not used to performing. But for an athlete, she does really well. She just needs to relax a little more and look like she's having fun. There's a lot of content in the dance, but it's kind of choppy, sort of moving from one stunt to the without a lot of smooth transitions, but I think that's a choreography issue.
Bruno thinks she could make it in the competition, because she has fantastic shapes, but she sometimes froze in mid-performance and had trouble catching back up. Carrie Ann thinks she is a diamond in the rough, but she needs to work on her musicality. Len babbles about being bewildered, and then says that the salsa is supposed to be sexy and steamy, and this one wasn't. Carrie Ann tells him he's getting old. She does look way cuter just standing there than she did on the dance floor. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 6 for a total of 19.
up is my pre-season prediction for trainwreck, Macy Gray and Jonathan. Poor Jonathan. Why does he always get the crazies? Macy is a freaking weirdo. She's like eight feet tall with two feet hair. Jonathan nicely calls her "eccentric." I notice that she's practicing in sneakers instead of heels, too. Plus, they had to go to Europe for Macy's tour and practice there. They just got back to the States three days ago. Damn.
So was I right with my trainwreck prediction? Well. Hmm. It's not as bad as I thought it would be, at least at first. She's not as graceless as I had assumed. I mean, she's flat-footed and clompy, but at least she's wearing heels. She's got a bizarre look on her face that is like a five-year-old trying to make a grown-up lady face. I think they're actually lucky that they had the waltz first because Jonathan can keep her in hold most of the time (which he does) and kind of steer her around. Her height helps, too. I mean, when she finished, I didn't go, "What the fuck was that?" but I also wasn't impressed. I can't even imagine what she will do with the Latin round, though. I can't see her being precise about anything.
Carrie Ann calls it "fascinating," which is a good word. Carrie Ann can't say much about the technique, but she thinks Macy is genuine and pure, which is bizarre. Len also liked her vulnerability and charm, and thinks Macy will do well with home viewers. Bruno thinks she's endearing, like a child, and he imitates a little kid being confused, but advises her to work on her technique. They were actually quite kind, but maybe they were as baffled as I was. It's like, you know it wasn't good, but it was eminently watchable. Backstage, Macy says something about how she busted her cherry, which gets bleeped out and everyone out front is dying laughing. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 4, and Bruno 5 for a total of 15.
Joanna Krupa and Derek are up . Did you guys watch Superstars? Sadly, I did, because it was summer and I am a sucker for any show with an obstacle course. I can't help it. It's my childhood spent watching Battle of the Network Stars. Anyway, she was paired with Terrell Owens, and came off as a stone cold bitch. I get that he's difficult, but man, was she awful. So let's see how she does with Derek. They seem to get along just fine, with lots of laughs during rehearsals. Derek makes a lot of jokes about how hot she is, and how he's going to give her massages. Hmm, he did just break up with Shannon Elizabeth. This is how rumors get started.
So she wasn't horrible in the clip package, but how will she do in her salsa? Well, she's wearing fringed pants like Karina wore on the Emmys, which do well to emphasize her hip action. She definitely looks like she's having fun out there. The one thing that's missing is much salsa in hold; they don't cover any of the dance floor. They start out in the center of the floor and by the end, they've moved maybe a few feet to the side. That makes me wonder what Derek is covering up with his choreography. Is her footwork really bad? She didn't do much footwork; there was a lot more standing still with hip shaking and then a turn and dip. So I don't know how to judge her, because she didn't actually move all that much.
Len is happy because he thought it was "a hot, smoking salsa." Bruno kind of growls at her, and compliments Derek's choreography. Carrie Ann agrees that it was hot. I guess you don't have to cover the floor much in the salsa, but now I'm interested to see their relay dance, because I still don't know if she can move. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 24. I agree that what I saw was good.
The last couple tonight (before the relays dances) is Kelly Osbourne and Louis. I have a soft spot for Kelly Osbourne; even when she was being a total brat on her reality show or mouthing off in the press, I kind of love her. Just wanted to put that on front street. What I don't really love is her outfit/hair tonight. I think the platinum blonde looks good on her - very "True Blue"-era Madonna - but the style combined with her ugly dress make her look about forty years old. In rehearsals, Louis tries to work with Kelly on becoming a lady instead of a tomboy.
Their waltz begins with the whole walking slowly towards each other thing, which I hate. But I freaking love this song: "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne. And when they go into hold and waltz around the floor, the crowd cheers and Kelly breaks into a really genuine grin, which is adorable. She looks great! Her arms are very graceful, and Louis capitalized on this by putting in a lot of sweeping arm motions. They have an illegal lift at the end, but who cares? It's beautiful. And you can see Sharon crying in the audience at the end, which is so sweet. Also, LaToya Jackson is there. I don't know. Before Kelly hears from the judges, she runs across the floor and hugs her dad. Aw.
Bruno can't believe that "the wild child" has transformed into a princess. Carrie Ann thinks her parents should be proud, and she compliments Louis's teaching. She does call them on the lift and Kelly says that she tried really hard to keep her foot on the ground and failed. Len keeps it short and says that it was the best Viennese waltz of the night. Backstage, Samantha and Kelly are both crying and Kelly says it was the most fun she's ever had in her life. You guys, I'm kind of having a moment. I'm pregnant. This show can't do this to me, I'm all hormonal. Anyway, scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 8, and Bruno 8 for a total of 23.
The women are back to perform in their relay dances, just like the men did last night. The first group is Natalie, Kathy, Joanne, and Debi with their partners, doing the foxtrot. Natalie goes first, and she looks slinky. Her serious face works better for this routine, and she does an awesome job. Kathy comes out second and she starts out great, but loses it a little in the middle. Joanna comes out third and she's not as good as she was in the salsa, maybe because this is out of character for her? Debi is last; she moves well but lacks a little grace and they have a big lift at the end. From bottom to top, I would say Debi, Joanna, Kathy, and Natalie.
Carrie Ann mentions the lift but says she can't take off points, so it doesn't matter. She tells Joanna she was beautiful, as was Natalie, but Kathy needed to watch her footwork and Debi was "muscling her moves." Len liked Natalie's movements and extension, and he wants Kathy to move more. He admires Joanna's moves both in and out of hold, and recognizes that Debi did most of their portion in hold, which is harder. Bruno loves Natalie's fluidity, Kathy's elegance, Joanna's sexiness and Debi's performance. While he's talking, Maks messes up Derek's carefully placed hair. The judges' rank from bottom to top: Kathy, Debi, Natalie and Joanna. Wow, did I get that one wrong. I think I just don't like Joanna. But I really thought Natalie was better.
So now it's time for the other group: Macy, Melissa, Mya and Kelly, with their partners, doing the cha cha cha. First out is Macy, and you guys, she is hilarious. She still looks like a little kid, and I think her biggest problem (well, maybe not her BIGGEST problem) is that she doesn't bend her knees. She just kind of shuffles her feet along the floor and doesn't pick them up. She's terrible, and yet I could watch her all day. Melissa comes out second, and she's got a little more hip action but she seems to be a bit behind the beat. It is quite fast though. Mya comes out third, and she has surprisingly little hip action, but tons of sass. Kelly comes out last to huge cheers from the audience. Her footwork and arms are great, but she needs to watch her posture. She has a small flub during the end and cracks up about it. She's just so charming; I hope her energy and attitude don't leave after the first week. So my ranking bottom to top would be: Macy, Melissa, Mya and Kelly. Yeah, I put Kelly ahead of Mya.
Len goes first, and tells Macy that she didn't rehearse enough, and says that Melissa improved, Mya had great hips (really?) and Kelly had another first-class dance. Bruno tells Macy she had better timing, Melissa had fun, Mya had great foot placement and Kelly was unbelievably good. Carrie Ann wants Macy to work a little bit harder, thought Melissa came out of her shell, Mya was crisp and Kelly had great legwork. They cut to Sharon in the audience, and she looks so nervous. Do they know Sharon's reputation? She will poop right on the judges' desk if they give her daughter a bad score. Rankings bottom to top: Macy, Melissa, Kelly and Mya. Well, I knew they'd put Mya first.
Good night, overall. I thought the women were way more impressive as a group than the men. I don't know that Joanna and Derek deserved all the praise they got, though. I would guess that Macy is going home, unless Vote for the Worst or something gets involved, in which case Kathy or Debi could easily go. We'll find out tomorrow night! Here are the final scores:
Joanna and Derek: 24 + 10 = 34
Kelly and Louis: 23 + 8 = 31
Mya and Dmitri: 21 + 10 = 31
Natalie and Alec: 19 + 8 = 27
Melissa and Mark: 18 + 6 = 24
Debi and Maks: 16 + 6 = 22
Kathy and Tony: 16 + 4 = 20
Macy and Jonathan: 15 + 4 = 19
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see who vloggers Val and Beth think should be on the show in TV is the Answer!