Hey, guys and girls! Welcome back. Can you believe it's been four months since last season? It feels like just yesterday. And did everyone see Tom Bergeron on the Emmys? Despite an overall horrible-osity for the show, Tom was natural and loose, unlike some other people (Howie Mandel). Seriously, can we all just agree that Howie Mandel's career is now over after that atrocity? None of the hosts were good, but at least most of them looked ashamed of how poorly it was going. Boo.
But anyway, now Tom gets to go back to doing what he does best -- hosting reality dancing shows. In the opening, Tom promises us it's the biggest season ever. Biggest? Like in star quality? Because I've got to be honest -- I'm not that thrilled with any of the celebs this season. I mean, I'm sure one or two of them will grow on me, but when the announcement was made, I was kind of like, "Oh. That person? Huh." Tom boasts that the celebs had to learn two dances this week. Well, they tried to -- time will tell if any dancing was actually learned. Oh, the saddest moment of the Emmys was when Tom let rip with a LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE and all the snobby TV people had no idea what he was doing. Sad.
Tom and Samantha (who I forgot existed until moments ago) introduce this seasons stars, and in case you missed the announcement back in August, here are the pairings:
Cody Linley (from Hannah Montana) and Julianne
Rocco DiSpirito (the chef) and Karina
Toni Braxton ("Unbreak My Heart") and Alec
Maurice Greene (Olympic track and field star) and Cheryl
Brooke Burke (host and model?) and Derek
Ted McGinley (shark-jumper) and Inna
Lance Bass (out and proud former boy bander) and Lacey
Cloris Leachman (legendary sitcom star) and Corky
Jeffrey Ross (roast legend and comedian) and Edyta
Kim Kardashian (huge ass and sex tape) and Mark
Susan Lucci (soap opera queen) and Tony
Misty May-Treanor (Olympic beach volleyball player) and Maks
Warren Sapp (football player) and Kym
Jeff Ross is wearing an eye patch. Also, Cloris Leachman has ENORMOUS boobs. Also, Misty May-Treanor cleans up nice! She looks dazzling. And I already don't like this Lacey person, who I hear was on So You Think You Can Dance, a show I don't watch because I get my fill of dancing from this show's eighty-billion episodes per year. Anyway, she looks like trouble. And that Cody character needs to introduce his brows to some tweezers. I'm sure Adam Carolla could give him some pointers, just like he did to the Jonas brother.
First up are Cody and Julianne. Cody is the youngest competitor. I'm sure that will only be mentioned another million times. Cody says that he likes to beat box and rap. Oh, dear. Cody might be home schooled. They rehearse the cha cha cha and Cody gets distracted by Julianne's assets. Anyway, here they are with the cha cha cha! Julianne is all flappered out. I've learned the trick with Julianne is to keep your eyes on her partner instead of her, because she's distracting. And Cody is pretty good! Not great, but good for the first week. They approach the judges. Len compliments his high-energy dancing but warns him against overdoing it. Bruno makes some semi-creepy double entendre as usual and then tells Cody to focus on his feet. Carrie Ann points out that Julianne and Cody's ages added together is younger than she is. She liked their form, and thinks any problems can be attributed to nerves. While waiting for the scores, Tom reminds us that tomorrow, one couple will be eliminated and the rest will do their second dance. And then Wednesday night, there will be one more elimination, thank God. Get rid of the dead weight early. And the scores are Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6 for a total of 18. That's pretty low, but I hope the judges are trying to leave themselves some room for improvement. As we go to break, Tom tells us that Karina turned an ankle in rehearsal, and Jeffrey Ross did... something, and we'll find out after break if they're performing tonight or not.
Tom shows us the footage of Karina spraining her ankle in rehearsal, and she just rolled it, so I don't see what the big deal is. Walk it off, Smirnoff! In their introductory package, Rocco reminds us that he's a chef and not a dancer. Well, some would argue not a chef either. I used to like Rocco until his terrible reality show, but he's won me back a little bit with his more recent appearances on Top Chef. He's lost some of the bloat and the d-baginess, and appears a bit more self-aware. Then again, he's on this show, so who knows? Rocco has trouble remembering to look up instead of at his feet, and offers to cook for the judges if they will be kind to him. They begin their foxtrot to "Stray Cat Strut" of all things. Rocco looks terrified. Ooh, Rocco needs to learn to point his toes when he kicks his feet up. He's got some natural grace and he's light on his feet, so that's something, but he appears tentative and he's up in his head instead of just enjoying the moment. I wonder if they had to change the routine due to her injury and it's throwing him? When they finish, Rocco is way out of breath. Bruno thinks Rocco looks like he was being prodded with a cattle prod, but he knows Rocco will improve. Carrie Ann thought it was "really cute" and that Rocco connects with the audience well. Len thinks Rocco needs some more finesse. I've made a policy this season that I'm not reproducing comments that the judges obviously wrote (or had written for them) before they even saw the routine. Unless it's actually funny. But they usually aren't. I think I might like Rocco. Who knew? Scores! Carrie Ann 5, Len 4, and Bruno 5. Wow! I am really digging the lower scores. Maybe the 10s at the end will actually mean something now. Tom comments that he forgot they even had a 4. Me too!
So what happened when Alec met Toni Braxton? Toni was psyched that Alec was her partner since he won the first season. Oh, like that counts. Everyone was terrible (except my boy Joey Mac!) and there was that weird second finale, and let's all just forget that happened. Toni reveals that she was recently diagnosed with heart disease, so she's been afraid to push herself physically. She looks good in rehearsal though. So here's their cha cha cha. Toni is barely wearing any clothes but she definitely has the facial expressions down. Her arms and legs look good but she needs more flexibility in her back or something. Carrie Ann congratulates Toni on taking a risk, and she thought it was fantastic. Len liked the mix of basic cha cha movements and clever choreography, and he advises Toni to straighten her legs a bit more. Bruno loves that Toni is a diva and really interpreted the music strongly. So what are their scores? Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 8. It's the best score of the night so far.
Tom says that the censors are doing tequila shots in preparation for Cloris Leachman. Y'all, he is not kidding. I saw her on Bonnie Hunt's show, and she is seriously off her rocker and out of control. But before that treat, Cheryl and Maurice will be dancing. They show a clip of how, after running the 100m, Maurice used to have a guy come down and spray down his cleats with a fire extinguisher like they were on fire, because he's a performer. Maurice was fired up to get Cheryl, since she's a proven champion. So how's his foxtrot? Cheryl puts in some funky solo steps in the beginning which are probably good because it lets him get his adrenaline out. Wow, Cheryl has gained some weight. Normally, I wouldn't mention it, but her dress is completely backless and sideless and it's really noticeable. I have to wonder how you put on weight when you're dancing eight hours a day, but it must involve lots of good food. I approve. What do the judges think of the dancing? Len thinks there were both good and bad parts. Bruno likes Maurice's stage presence, but he has trouble controlling himself in hold, so he needs to combine the two. Carrie Ann thinks Maurice needs to bridge the gap between James Brown and ballroom. Scores? Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. I think that's generous. Maurice likes that there's room for improvement.
Brooke Burke and Derek are up . Oh, I can't even tell you how cheesy Derek's introduction is. He does a twirl into camera and then says, "I'm going to huff and puff and blow this competition down." No, that actually happened. Brooke is a mother of four, and has trouble remembering the steps. Not sure if those two things are related. So here's their cha cha cha. Brooke is wearing brown pants with fringe, which is a strange choice because she has great legs. Okay, they just did a move where Derek totally grabbed her boob. I wonder how Shannon Elizabeth (who's in the audience) feels about that. There doesn't seem to be much to this dance. Brooke looks great -- I wish Derek had given her more to do. The crowd liked it too. Carrie Ann thinks Brooke has an amazing body that was designed to dance. Bruno loved the hip action and jokes that Len's tongue was hanging out. Tom cracks that was due to age and everyone chuckles. Len just blurts out "Best dance so far!" I just noticed that Brooke's fake tan on her stomach doesn't match the color on her chest. Kind of weird. Scores? Carrie Ann 7, Len 8, Bruno 8. Best score of the night so far. I notice Cloris and Julianne are sitting to each other in the background. God, I would love to hear that conversation.
Ted McGinley is dancing with new pro Inna. Ted McGinley says he's best known for his role on Married With Children? Really? Because I now him from Happy Days and Love Boat. I guess playing "Where do you know Ted McGinley from?" is probably a generational thing. Inna jokes that Ted is not that graceful, and Ted says that he's just an every guy. Oh, they're dancing to "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys. I freaking love this song. Ted is like a dad who took a couple of dance lessons in preparation for his daughter's wedding. Passable, but not great, and fairly stiff. Given a few more weeks of rehearsal, I bet he'd be better, but that's not going to happen. But he's charming and he's trying and he's smiling and I kind of love him even if he did play an asshole on Sports Night. Bruno thinks Ted needs to be more Cary Grant and less Steve Carell. Len liked the style and the footwork and couldn't have nicer things to say. Carrie Ann thinks Ted will have to overcome his fear more than anything. Ted does look quite terrified. I keep seeing Joey Fatone's fat head behind Tom and it's distracting me. Sometimes HD is a curse instead of a blessing. Scores? Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6, which again was probably higher than they deserved.
Lance Bass informs everyone that he was the worst dancer in N'Sync, and his partner is Lacey Schwimmer, who wants to bring some edge to the stage. Lacey is wearing an oversized T-shirt to rehearse, and that's it, which looks bizarre. Lance vows that entertainers will take this competition back from the athletes this season. So here's their cha cha cha, and they're both dressed in some sort of post-apocalyptic shredded gear. I have to say, that was the first routine where I stopped typing and just watched, because it was pretty awesome and full of energy. Lance is really, really good. Like everyone's going to be talking about ringers, but I wonder if there wasn't enough cha cha cha in it. Len, of course, says that it was too nontraditional for him. Bruno tries to interrupt and Len gives up. Carrie Ann thought it was hot, and they nailed it. Bruno loved it too, and thinks that they modernized the cha cha cha. You can see Marlee Matlin in the audience mouth, "Oh my God! WOW!" Exactly, Marlee. Lacey tries to make a joke about how, as a young fan of N'Sync, she thought Lance would marry her but now she knows that won't happen. Samantha awkwardly avoids any mention of THE GAY as we wait for scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 6, Bruno 8. I do admire Len for standing up for ballroom standards, but I thought they did actually have a lot of cha cha cha moves in there.
Cloris Leachman and her partner Corky Ballas (Mark's dad) are . Buckle in, peeps. I think she just flashed her ass cheek. By... accident? Cloris's wackiness doesn't really come across in this clip package, in that she doesn't grab anyone's ass or start cursing. So it's time for the foxtrot. She's really stiff and clearly botches a move after a turn, but Corky does a pretty good job covering for her, and their turns are really nice, actually. She'll be terrible at the faster dances, but a foxtrot and a waltz will suit her fine, I think. And seriously, she's 82. I'm not saying she should get a pass, but good Lord. She gets a standing ovation from the studio audience and can't stop giggling. She walks up to the desk to hold Bruno's hand, and actually hitches her leg up on the desk while he talks, and I don't know if I could physically do that now, much less in fifty years. Cloris totally upstages all of the judges -- she leans over to "listen" to Len and he says her cleavage is distracting him. Then she sits on Carrie Ann's lap and declares that she's an orphan so people should take pity on her and vote. Oh, God. And now she's going back to see Samantha, who absolutely cannot handle Cloris. I can't wait. This could be awesome. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, and Bruno 5. I don't know what Cloris said but she totally got bleeped and they had to cut away while she was still talking. I hope she makes it through just so I can see what she'll do.
Tom tells us that Jeffrey Ross has a scratched cornea and was advised by his doctors not to dance, but he's doing it anyway. At least that explains the eyepatch. Jeffrey is a comedian and they can't show his best material, because it's filthy. And... he's not very good in rehearsal, but he's trying. So how's their cha cha cha? Oh, it's not good. Edyta tries, bless her little legwarmers. But Jeff's basically just walking around the floor while Edyta twirls around. He does about half a move at one point and then plays air guitar. He is NEVER going to hear the end of this on the roast circuit. The sad thing is, on the first season, this might not have been so bad, but the bar has been raised. Judges? Carrie Ann is kind of speechless and can't find much good to say. She admires him coming back from his injury though. Bruno doesn't think much worked, so Jeff runs over and puts his leg up on the table like Cloris, and I think Bruno said that he hasn't got the tits. Bruno! Jeff tries sucking up to Len by saying that he's a legend and has been judging the show since it was on the radio. Len says that everyone who comes on the show is a winner. Jeff gets one final zinger: "Speaking of ball room, these pants are very, very tight." I'm sorry. I laughed. If only the show could find a comedian who's also a good dancer, I would love that season, because I always enjoy the comedians best of all, even though they are terrible dancers. Scores: Carrie Ann 4, Len 4, and Bruno 4. Jeff pretends to be happy. I might vote for him. Jeff wants to say one more thing but Tom has already started throwing to commercial so they have to cut away.
Kim Kardashian was recently in a feature film? Really? You know what? I don't care enough about it to go look it up, despite the fact that it would be like two clicks away. Kim reports that she has terrible balance. What about her horrible foot injury where she sliced her toe open on a coffee table or something? I had to read all about that on all the blogs and she's not even going to use it for sympathy? I hope she gets eliminated the first week. They're doing the foxtrot to the Pink Panther theme. Wow, she's actually not that great. I was expecting more for some reason. And she didn't even wear a tight enough dress to show off that ass. I mean, she's passable, but not great. Let's see what the judges thought. Len thought it was clean, but cold and boring. Agreed. Bruno tells Kim to be more available. Clearly, he hasn't seen the sex tape. Although as Joel McHale would say, she is dead behind the eyes. It could also be because she has zero brain function. Carrie Ann tells her to make eye contact with the audience. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 7, and Bruno 6. My conclusion? She's an idiot and everything that is wrong with our society. Oh, you were wondering about the dancing? Afterwards, Tom questions Len why he gave poor comments and yet a higher score, and Len says he did say it was cleanly done.
Susan Lucci and Tony are up . In Tony's intro, he says that he's all about elegance and class. As he dances around in an unbuttoned silky shirt, all greased up. That's class. Susan says that she's scared to be out there as herself instead of her soap character. Susan Lucci is a tiny little wisp of a thing, isn't she? She screws up her footwork a bit early on and Tony is clearly steering her around the floor quite a bit. She dances like someone's mom after a few too many cocktails. It feels a bit awkward to me. What did the judges think? Bruno tells her that she looked like a lady, but the cha cha cha needs a slut. Bruno! He is crazy tonight. He advises her to let herself go tonight. Carrie Ann tells Susan that her body is awesome, but that she needs to gain a bit of weight so she can appear stronger instead of frail. Len thinks it was neat and precise, but too careful, so she needs to perform more. Susan runs up to the judges' stand and pretends to make out with Bruno, since he wanted a slut. Tom is like, "Move it along, crazy lady." Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, and Bruno 5.
God, are there still more contestants? This episode is kind of endless. Tom acknowledges Kerri Walsh, who is there to support her volleyball partner. And it's the return of Maks! Wow, for her package, they actually made Misty play volleyball in a ballgown. Maks has to be all My Fair Lady to turn Misty into a lady instead of a jock. I don't know. I'd argue that dancers like Cheryl or Edyta are kind of like jocks. But hey! She's kind of awesome! Really sexy, and makes the dancing faces and everything. And her height works to her advantage too. Carrie Ann loved the intensity and advises her to relax a little bit more. Len disagrees because he thought it was elegant and beautiful. Bruno tells her not to worry about being ladylike, because she's glowing. He advises her to work on her turns. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 8, and Bruno 7. Wow! Awesome. These two might be my favorite. Misty and Kerri kind of bugged me during the Olympics with their, "Oh, we're going to quit and go have babies now!" talk. I mean, yay babies, but it just rubbed me the wrong way, on top of the whole thing where they are practically naked, but the men wear clothes to play, which wasn't their fault, but it bugged me. I've turned the corner on Maks so maybe this partnership could work for me.
The final dancer of the night is Warren Sapp, NFL star, better known for his sack dances than ballroom. His partner is poor Kym, who never gets a break. I hope Warren is at least decent. Warren says he likes footwork, so he catches on pretty quickly. So how is their cha cha cha? He's definitely got the shimmy shake thing down pretty well, and he's got a good sense of rhythm, but he's got no hip action. He is strong though, so they can do some tricks that way. And he's clearly having a good time, which goes a long way in my book. Len calls him "a great bit bundle of joy" and had fun on the floor. Carrie Ann is exuberant, and is happy they ended on such a positive note. Bruno loved how light he is on his feet, and admires his footwork. Backstage, Warren is terrified, and even that is cute. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7.
Final score recap:
Brooke and Derek: 23
Lance and Lacey: 22
Toni and Alec: 22
Warren and Kym: 21
Misty and Maks: 21
Kim and Mark: 19
Ted and Inna: 18
Maurice and Cheryl: 18
Julianne and Cody: 18
Cloris and Corky: 16
Susan and Tony: 15
Rocco and Karina: 14
Jeffrey and Edyta: 12
Should go home? Kim Kardashian, for reasons stated above. Will go home? Either Rocco or Jeffrey. It should be Jeff Ross, but I'd like to keep him another week for the LOLs. Susan's got a huge fanbase, so she's not going anywhere.
Find out what Maks had to say about the new season and his partner Misty in his exclusive blog.