Tom wonders if the winner will be "the Olympic gold medalist, the one-armed hero, or the gridiron god." One-armed hero? It's not like his arm was amputated, for crying out loud. Anyway, tonight we'll find out the champion, and it will happen LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
After Tom recaps the events of last night, Jason says in a confessional that competing against Kristi is like going the wrong way on the highway. Do you kind of get the vibe that Jason has given up? Which is too bad, because I think he absolutely could have won this thing and still might. He seemed so defeated by having to do the cha cha, though. Backstage, Samantha asks each celebrity what being on the show has meant to them. Kristi says that all the hard work has been worth it. Cristian thinks it was a journey about learning that you can have what you want if you really want it. Jason says that this was really out of his comfort zone, and he's learned about a new side of himself, although he doesn't really intend on continuing the dancing after the show ends. I'd think you'd be so sick of dancing by the end of the season, for a non-pro. Tom points out that, in the history of the show, only once has the person given the highest score by the judges actually won. Does he mean the highest score in the finals? Or the highest total scores all season? Clarify your meaningless statistic, Tom!
Then Usher performs, and I think I already saw this on SNL this week. I have this weird thing about Usher, in that I don't really get him. And I also don't get the whole thing he does where he sings (or lip syncs) and then has a lady come out and dance around him and grind up against him. It's so cheesy. And is the chorus of this song "I wanna make love in this club"? Like he wants to have sex on the dance floor? Is it really making love if you're doing it in a club? Isn't that just fucking? Maybe I'm overthinking this.
Now former contestants predict who will win. Drew Lachey doesn't know who will win. Joey Lawrence, Jerry Springer, and Joey Fatone all think Jason Taylor's got it going on. Vivica Fox (whose boobs start moving around independent of her body like Hulk Hogan used to do back in the '80s and it's freaky), Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna, Jane Seymour, and Leeza Gibbons are all rooting for Kristi. Wayne Newton, Trista Rehn, Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin (Hey! They already talked about Kristi!) are all rooting for Cristian. And then a bunch of people (including Mark Cuban) all say that they don't know what will happen! Me neither! So that was kind of a waste of time. Good thing this finale is two hours!
After more explanation of how two couples will dance again and one will be eliminated, Cristian and Cheryl are announced as the third-place couple. Cristian is very emotional as he thanks Cheryl for helping him work through his injury. Tom admits that he thought Cristian was nuts for continuing on at first, but now he thinks Cristian is amazing. I love it when Tom takes sides, because he's usually such a pro, and it humanizes him. We see a clip package of Cristian's journey of dance. Remember when Cristian had two good arms? Good times. Cheryl says that out of all her seasons on the show, this was one of her favorite journeys. Apparently "journey" is the keyword this season. I wish they would play some Journey. Since they've got time to kill, they let Cristian and Cheryl dance their third dance anyway; a redux of their paso doble.
The former contestants are back to dance, and first up is Penn Jillette and Kym to do the cha cha cha. Yeah, I think America did the right thing sending Penn home first. He screws up a bunch, although Kym manages to cover for him, and then he finishes facing the wrong way. Oops. I always wonder if the former contestants don't practice much because they just don't care, or if they practice extra hard to try to prove the audience how wrong they were. I'm guessing it depends on how far they made it and how seriously they took it. I could see Mario trying to prove something to the audience and/or judges, but I don't think Penn has the talent or desire to prove anything to anybody. The only thing he proves is that he's an attention whore, because he does a pratfall while walking backstage.
Monica and Jonathan are back to do their mambo. You'd think Monica would have watched the tape back of this routine the first time and realized how unflattering her dress was, and insisted on a wardrobe change. Jonathan is really just shoving Monica around the dance floor -- he just grabbed her by the scruff of the neck and pushed her around. Well. That was fun?
The Gute returns with Anna to do the tango. I think I need to see an E! True Hollywood Story about the Gute, because what the eff happened to his career? He did a string of high earning movies in the mid 1980s, and then just disappeared until the mid 1990s, and when he returned, he was doing terrible movies. Do you think he had a breakdown or something? Or a stint in rehab? And that makes me wonder what would happen if a dancer got paired with a celeb that had a serious drug problem. It seems like that could interfere with learning to dance, but how could they get out of it? God, I need to find a mole who works in makeup or something to give me the inside scoop.
The eliminated celeb to return is the man, the myth, and my not-so-secret TV boyfriend, Mr. Adam Carolla. And I just want to say that a lot of people in the forums, when he was announced as being on the show, were disgusted and annoyed, and the Ace Man won them over. I don't have high hopes for this return, since he admitted on his radio show that he only spent a short time rehearsing with Julianne, and they spent most of that time gossiping about Derek and Shannon, but here goes their paso doble, complete with unicycle. And, Adam still hasn't learned to point his toes, but at least he's putting a lot of energy into it. His wife, Lynnette, and his best friend Ray are shown cheering in the audience, but man did they get crappy seats. After the routine, Adam manages to plug his radio show and Julianne's CD and then gives a slightly sarcastic and yet impassioned speech about how this show is the great equalizer because the mirror ball doesn't care if you're black, white, "gay, straight, or Guttenberg," rich, poor, or whatever. He concludes by saying "God bless Dancing with the Stars and God bless America!" Oh, Adam. If only you had given that speech while you were still on the show, some people would have actually taken it seriously and voted for you. But I think my point about Adam was made again -- love him or hate him, you never know what he's going to say and that keeps it interesting. Kristi.
Before any more former contestants return, we get to hear which group of kids won, and which group of kids will have their hopes and dreams crushed in front of a live national audience. To the surprise of no one, Brandon and Brittany win, because they were better than most of the grown-ups. Their trophy is presented by some Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, which is kind of creepy because he's like 14 and talking about how excited he is and... eesh. Gross. Like would they have some Chippendales dancers come out and present the trophy to Brittany?
Priscilla and Louis are back to dance the tango. It's interesting to me how the first eliminated contestants this season seemed exactly right. Up until about... Mario, none of the eliminated couples deserved to stay another week. But there's no way Mario should have gone ahead of Marissa. I'm getting ahead of myself. I never liked Louis when he was with Lisa Rinna especially, but he really grew on me this season. Maybe it's because he cut his hair shorter and looks less like mini-Patrick Swayze.
Let's watch a clip package about Jason and Cristian's bromance, set to "Just the Two of Us," complete with lots of clips of them hanging out shirtless, and hugging. Ha ha! Because they are dudes! And they are friends! And what if they made out? Okay, that last part might just be my interpretation of the subtext. Again, why not a clip package about Kristi and Marissa's friendship? Because it's not funny when two ladies are friends? Bleh.
Marlee and Fabian are back to do the mambo. Why do they make the couple do the routine that got them eliminated? They should be allowed to choose which past routine they want to do. Marlee had way better routines than this one. She performs better than she did the week that she got eliminated, but she still looks fairly stiff. Her footwork is way better though. She does get a bit off the beat at one point, but can you blame her?
Shannon and Derek are back to do their quickstep. I feel like Derek re-choreographed this routine because I don't remember their footwork being this complicated. Then again, maybe I wasn't paying attention because I was mesmerized by the baby giraffe. Yeah, I don't remember this routine at all, so either I'm losing it, or Derek changed it. After the routine, Tom jokes that Shannon might be winded and need to lean on him. So Shannon climbs up on him and nearly knocks Tom over! And looks so ungraceful! What is she doing? Samantha tries to get Shannon to talk about her romance, but Samantha has clearly had some PR training so she just uses the opportunity to thank the judges. I had crisis PR training once and the only thing I remember is that you don't have to answer the question asked, and should look at an interview as an opportunity to get your message out. Also, most television footage doesn't show the question asked, just the answer, so don't repeat the question and just say whatever the hell you want. There. I just saved you from sitting through media training. Derek easily picks Shannon up (because he was expecting it and she didn't climb up him like he is a jungle gym) and twirls her off the stage. I'm so over these two.
Mario and Karina are back to do the mambo. He is so quick and graceful. His posture's still not great, but I feel bad that he didn't outlast Marissa, because he clearly should have. I guess he should have shown more personality. And learned to point his toes.
Marissa and Tony are back to dance their paso doble. Marissa is actually better than I remember, but it could be that she's not as nervous since this doesn't matter. She still can't kick for shit though. My card-carrying-AARP-member dad can kick higher, and he's contemplating a knee replacement.
In a clip package, the judges give their thoughts on both Jason and Kristi. Just make up some lines in your head about the football hero versus the Olympic champion and I bet you could predict everything that they say. It's nicely edited and all, but it's just more stupid filler. Can't we let Adam interview someone or something?
Usher's back to do a jazzy version of "Yeah." Yeah. There's tap dancing. It's nice and all, but seriously, can you just tell me who won? Speaking of filler, after Usher finishes, the two finalists are brought out for a victory lap or something, and then we get to see a clip package. Yes, I watched the whole season. I remember when Kristi learned how to emote.
So Mark and Kristi are performing their jive again. I think Mark is my new Maks. I feel like he choreographs his routines to draw attention to himself instead of showcase his partner. And then he makes those bizarro faces that only serve to draw attention to him and away from his partner again. Sometimes I wish they would have an All-Star season (which the forum posters were discussing this week) but have the celebrities paired with different people. I'd like to see Kristi with Maks. Or Fabian. Anyway, their routine is, as always, technically perfect. Len tells Kristi that she is the most consistent dancer they've ever had. Bruno points out that Kristi almost had a mishap where her foot got caught up in her costume and yet she didn't miss a beat. Carrie Ann commends Kristi for her improvement and thanks her for representing the ladies so well. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Did anyone think it would be any different? So that's three perfect scores this week for Kristi and Mark. No pressure, Jason and Edyta.
Remember when Jason and Edyta met? And Jason was embarrassed to be seen dancing? Now they are back to do their quickstep, which I loved. This was definitely my favorite of their routines. Jason finishes with his kiss to Carrie Ann, followed by his handstand over Edyta. Tom has to fill while the audience cheers and cheers. Bruno tells Jason and Edyta that they have heavenly bodies and move like angels. He thinks this was their best performance. Carrie Ann thinks Jason is a force of nature, and has an elegant spirit. Huh? She's turning into Paula. Len says that Jason was unexpected, and while Kristi may be the judges' champion, Jason is the people's champion. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. Surprise! Jason is really happy, so I feel kind of bad because I think that it's a foregone conclusion that both couples will get a perfect score in the finale. And there's Jason, all proud. God bless him.
Tom takes a moment to talk to some former contestants. He asks Priscilla how she did the show when she's so shy. Priscilla laughs and says that she doesn't know, but loved the challenge. He asks Mario about his exposure to a new audience. Mario says that it was pure fun and he was really impressed by the other contestants who had never danced before. Tom asks Shannon why she cries so much. Shannon says she's just a crier. Around her, everyone pretends to cry and mocks her, including Derek.
Finally, someone will be crowned champion after one last break. And it's time! The scary music starts while Samantha and Tom review the strengths and weaknesses of each couple. And finally, Tom announces that the winners of season six are... Kristi and Mark. Well, that's right. She deserved it. And Jason got a lot of love from the studio audience, so I doubt he's too broken up. Kristi looks happy, but is showing very little emotion, which is probably why I never could really get behind her this season, even though she was clearly the best dancer. Jason says he never even thought he would do the show, and he admits that Kristi totally deserves it. It is nice to see the best dancer actually win for the first time in a while. Julianne and Derek run out and hug their "brother" Mark while Jason and Cristian hoist Kristi up onto their shoulders. Tom promises that they'll be back in September, and God willing, so will I. See you then!