We're halfway through the season and tonight, the performers will be dancing either the samba or the rumba! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Samantha and Tom are back for "the sexiest night of competition." Based on what I've seen of the male performers so far, it was also chest-waxing week. Except for Helio, Mark, and Tony, who wore regular shirts instead of the navel-bearing models on the other guys. The audience is screaming so loudly I can barely hear what Samantha and Tom are saying. That's probably for the best.
Marie and Jonathan are up first. Last week, Marie's waltz got good marks from the judges. This week, she's doing the samba. Marie likes the high-energy nature of this routine, but she worries that she can't move her hips like Jonathan can. They show Marie performing with her brothers in a casino – I was just at a casino this past weekend, and Wayne Newton was there that night (I didn't attend the show, and Marie was going to be there this week. Anyway, Marie is ready to go the distance in this competition. Their dance begins, and Marie is wearing a really short turquoise dress. I think she has the legs for it. Something's off about Marie this week. I don't know if it's her posture, but it's not working for me. I think the dress is pretty unflattering. Her footwork's not great either -- not precise enough for a Latin dance. Overall, eh.
But the judges probably totally disagreed with my assessment, once again proving I don't know what I'm talking about. Len says that the samba is one of the most difficult dances, and while he's talking, Marie is breathing very heavily, until she suddenly just collapses to the floor! Holy crap! Tom quickly throws it to commercial as Jonathan tries to attend to the fallen Marie. The commercial break seems really long. When they return, Tom explains that Marie is fine, but she fainted. The camera shows her backstage, as Tom explains that the first words out of her mouth when she came to were, "Oh, crap." I was going to make a joke about her being classy, but then I remember that the first words out of my mouth were, "Holy crap!" and I'm not the one who was unconscious. The judges reveal their scores, which are three sevens. Samantha jokes that maybe Marie thought the fainting would get her higher scores, and Marie says she wouldn't kid around about something like that, and that similar things have happened to her before. Also, AWKWARD! Way to go, Samantha. Marie passed up the chance to see the medic because she wanted her scores so badly, and Jonathan jokes that now they want to reverse that decision. When we go back to Tom, he says that usually you see swooning as a romantic thing, but when it really happens on live television, it scares the crap out of you. No kidding, Tom. I thought I just saw Marie Osmond die or something! That was scary. I'm glad she's okay.
up are Jane and Tony, who were at the center of the lift controversy last week. This week, they're going to do the rumba. Tony thinks it gives Jane the chance to show off her sexy side, and that he uses the "tough love" method to teach. He barks orders at Jane, who complains in an interview that she's not allowed to ask questions or give input. Tony says that he knows Jane will love him at the end of the performance, and Jane admits that Tony's process works, and his teaching style works as well. Jane is wearing quite a revealing dress for anyone, much less a women her age, and she looks fantastic. The routine is extremely graceful, and Jane has great lines, but I don't find it that sexy, which is strange, because I think Jane and Tony have great chemistry. So...pretty to look at, and well-executed, but if they were going for sexy, I didn't see it.
Judges? Bruno thinks Jane was steamy and sexy, but not trashy. He compares her to Edyta, which Jane finds to be a compliment. Carrie Ann thought it was elegant, but she's noticed some problems with spotting on the turns, but it's minor. Len says that Jane is super classy. He clearly didn't see her role in Wedding Crashers. Funny, but not that classy. Backstage, Samantha compliments their performance, especially after everyone was so shaken up by Marie fainting. Jane says that the tough love worked, and she loves Tony and thinks he's the best partner. Tony says that Jane is the female version of him. But what are the scores? Carrie Ann 8, Len 9, and Bruno 9.
I dream of Jeannie! Actually, it's Kym and Mark, who have been saved by their fans despite low scores from the judges. They'll be working on the samba this week. Mark explains how he's not a great dancer, but he can connect with people, especially online. Mark wants to have some input, and he thinks they should have fun and be entertaining instead of worrying about strictly following the dance steps. He actually says, "Fuck the judges," which doesn't seem so wise. Apparently, Mark is going to dress up like a nerd, but the video package craps out and there's a black screen for a while. Did Marie faint in the control room now? So they cut right to the beginning of the dance. They dance to the I Dream Of Jeannie theme. It's not bad, but Kym is doing a lot of hip-shaking to hide the fact that Mark isn't moving that much. His footwork is pretty good, and his facial mugging is less than usual. He's slightly pigeon-toed, I just noticed. The routine is cute, I guess. His fans enjoyed it, I'm sure.
But did the judges enjoy it? Carrie Ann says she liked it. She admits the technique was lacking, but it was fun. Len tells him to turn his feet out, and the crowd boos. Tom awkwardly points out that Heather Mills is in the audience, and how she only has one leg. What? Tom usually isn't that awkward. Bruno also compliments the fun, and not the technique, and the audience boos again. Oh, shut up, audience. The judges are supposed to harp on technique because God knows the home audience won't care, for the most part. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. So they tied Marie and Jonathan. Mark makes a nerd joke about prime numbers, and says he'll improve his technique in the future. God, Samantha is just so terrible. She has no smoothness when she interviews. She does okay (generally) when delivering the standard patter, but when she has to improv, she's terrible.
Last week, Sabrina and Mark got a perfect score. I still don't get it. Mark explains that the rumba is "a vertical expression of a horizontal desire." So Sabrina gets all giggly, because she can't handle it. And then Mark's mom shows up? She's a three-time Latin ballroom champion, but Sabrina feels weird dancing so intimately with Mark when his mom's right there. Mark's mom does help Sabrina though. Their routine is fairly sexy, but Sabrina sometimes slides into cutesy and giggly. They do one pretty amazing move where Sabrina slides all the way down Mark's body. I kind of thought there were going to make out at the end. I think Mark has a boner. I wonder what dancers do when that happens with those tight pants? There's no hiding it. I bet they have to strap things down. And...I've officially thought too much about it.
Len starts out the judges. Len thinks it was great, but some of the poses were over the top. Bruno disagrees, because he doesn't think the rumba can be over the top. Len thinks the tricks detract from the dance steps, and he finally grumps at Bruno to let him say his piece. Bruno doesn't, and just goes right into his little speech about how well they executed every move. Carrie Ann says she was blown away, and she liked that Sabrina tried to show them something different and slower this time. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 10. Backstage, Sabrina says that Len's comments help them improve. Then we have to rehash how talented Mark's mom is, like we didn't just watch that clip package.
Jennie and Derek got great scores last week, which has raised the bar for them. They're doing the samba this week, and Jennie needs to learn how to shake it. Derek takes her to meet with Aisha Francis, who's a hip-hop choreographer. Jennie can't figure out how to shake her booty at first, but Jennie thinks she'll surprise people. At least they have a halfway decent song this week. The footwork is good, but Jennie looks like she's counting in her head a little too much instead of feeling the dance. And she needs to smile more. It's a complicated dance with a lot of steps. Hey, Tori Spelling, Jennifer Esposito, and Melissa McCarthy are in the audience.
Bruno tells Jennie that she did well technically, but she kind of ran out of steam halfway through. Carrie Ann thinks it's a rough night overall, and she appreciates that Jennie went out of her comfort zone. Len says that you can't fake the samba, and he loved it. Len has a crush on Jennie, I think. After the break, Tom announces that Marie's okay, but the producers have asked her to hang out in her trailer instead of backstage with the others. What about Jennie and Derek's scores? Carrie Ann 8, Len 9, and Bruno 8. Jennie compliments Derek's teaching, and says she had fun with Aisha. Derek promises more shaking if they get to stay. Samantha basically tells people to cheat the vote by using multiple email addresses. Nice.
Helio was thrilled with the triple 9 last week, but he'd like a 10. This week, he and Julianne will be dancing the rumba. Helio is too smiley, and Julianne advises him to find a macho character. She has to advise him on how to be aggressive. So they go out for a drive in a sports car that I probably should know the name of, but don't. And then they dance on the beach at sunset. I don't know. They start their dance, and for all Julianne nagged Helio to be serious and macho, she's very smiley. Their moves are very sharp and dramatic, and as usual, I like Julianne's choreography. Does Florence Henderson have a day job? She's at like every taping of this show.
Carrie Ann thought Helio was so focused that he lost sight of their normal chemistry. Bruno gets snippy with the audience. Len compares their dance to a trip to the dentist, because it was too mechanical. The audience is PISSED. Bruno agrees with Len, and thought Helio looked pained instead of sexy. Bruno stands up and starts demonstrating how to entice and love your partner. Tom tells him he's scaring the children. Heh. Backstage, Helio says he thought he had the passion, but it was a challenge for him to not smile during the dance. See, I think it was partly Julianne's fault too. Scores? Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8.
Mel ended up in bottom two last week, despite her respectable scores from the judges. Mel explains that she was devastated, and they had an emergency rehearsal right after the show. Mel has a coughing fit and has to leave. Maks and Mel get in a fight and Maks storms out. The couple flies to London so Mel can shoot a Spice Girls video. They rehearse in the hallways of the set. Baby, Posh, and Ginger Spice urge us to vote for Mel. Where's Sporty? Let's see if the travel and illness hurt them. They dance to a Latinized version of "Spice Up Your Life," and I wondered when this was going to happen. The moves and footwork are excellent, and they execute this one move where Mel goes down in a split, and then puts her arms around Maks's neck and he pulls her up slowly. And you can never say that Maks lacks in the hip action.
Len thought it was fantastic, and Bruno thought it was the best samba of the night. Carrie Ann thought it was Mel's best dance of the season. Maks mumbles to Tom that it's all the antibiotics they're on. That was really amazing, considering they both have colds. Mel thinks Maks is a great teacher. Samantha asks what happened when Maks met the Spice Girls. Mel says they loved him, and Maks says he's never met such a close group of friends. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9, and Bruno 10. Mel and Maks are thrilled. Samantha reminds us that they were bottom two last week, so they need the votes.
Last week, Cameron had the polarizing Superman paso doble. Well, polarizing on our forums anyway; the judges loved it. Edyta explains that the rumba is sexy and requires tension. Cameron works through a storyline for himself, and Susan Lucci stops by to give them some tips on how to enhance their chemistry. Cameron wants the judges to need a cold shower when the dance ends. Can they pull it off? I will say this for Edyta -- she just lets Cameron throw her body about with abandon. There are a lot of slow rubbing/grinding movements followed by sharp pushing and pulling. I think Bob the Bachelor is there. Doesn't he have a day job? Or does he still live off being Bob the Bachelor? ["
Bruno tells everyone to lock up their daughters, and he can't believe how much Cameron has improved. Carrie Ann thought they aced it emotionally, but she has to bring up the lift thing again. Len loves that Cameron has broken through, but he wants Edyta to stop doing the one-legged spins, because he's sick of them. I kind of agree. Samantha meets with the couple backstage. Cameron thanks his wife for being so cool with him doing sexy dances with Edyta. Seriously. That would be tough to take. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 9, and Bruno 9. Presumably, Carrie Ann took a point off for the lift.
Marie returns for the farewell. She's looking much less pale now. My pick to go home this week remains Mark and Kym, but apparently, Mark Cuban has this huge fan base. I just think people will vote for Marie because she scared them with the fainting, and Helio had an off week. And what are the final scores?
Mel and Maks: 29
Sabrina and Mark: 28
Jane and Tony: 26
Cameron and Edyta: 26
Jennie and Derek: 25
Helio and Julianne: 23
Marie and Jonathan: 21
Mark and Kym: 21