Last week, Albert got sent packing. Tom claims that this week, the stars have trained more hours than in any other season. Really? I'd kind of like to see a bar graph on that. As well as a cost/benefit ratio of hours trained/judges' scores. Hey, did you know that this show is LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE?
Drew is forced to remind us once again that Samantha is home with her baby, like, does any regular viewer of the show not know that yet? And does any non-regular viewer care? Whoa! What happened to Jane Seymour's hair? I'm going to assume that's a wig, because she's got a really short flapper-type bob. Oh, and Wayne Newton has a faux-nytail. This week, the dancers will be doing either the tango or the jive.
First up this week is Sabrina. My husband confesses that he keeps thinking they are calling her a Chia Girl, like a Chia Pet. That is a bit disconcerting. Sabrina is dancing the jive this week, and she wants to regain the top spot. To that end, she keeps criticizing Mark's choreography, urging him to incorporate flashier moves. Sabrina looks surprisingly normal when she has no makeup on and her hair isn't so styled. They open their dance with Mark leapfrogging Sabrina and then doing a flip. He also does the worm at one point, which doesn't seem like it really belongs in the jive. Save it for the freestyle, dude. There's also some sort of Michael Jackson theme, as Sabrina is wearing sparkly gloves and Mark is wearing sparkly socks. Overall, solid effort, quite snappy, and great footwork.
But who cares what I think. What do the judges think? Len liked the jive footwork, but thought they incorporated some "bizarre steps" like "that Free Willy move." Overall, he thought it was their best dance yet. Bruno calls Sabrina "a seismic event" (which Bruno pronounces "siz-mick") and compliments her ability to give it her all every time. Carrie Ann thought she would overpower the dance in the beginning, but it all worked out. Hey, Louis and Lisa Rinna are in the audience. Remember their jive? I do, because Lisa Rinna's legs always freaked me out. Backstage, Drew asks Sabrina if the dances are too easy for her. Sabrina says that they're not, but she's trying to push Mark to his full potential. The judges give them three 9s, which pleases them.
Cameron and Edyta are up . Cameron laments that they've been stuck with the pack in the middle, and he wants to break out. This week, he'll be doing the tango. Cameron and Edyta even practice on the set of All My Children. Cameron vows to blow the judges away with this dance. They start with a nod to Bruno's Clark Kent/Superman comment last week, as Cameron is wearing thick glasses, which he then tosses away before doing a flying leap from the stage. Overall, the dance is good, with some sections of particularly nice footwork, but there's just something holding Cameron back. I think he's like a really good wedding dancer. Like if you saw him dancing at a wedding, you'd think he was awesome. But I think he's just not conscious enough of his body position to be a mock-professional dancer. Anyway, Cameron carries Edyta over to the judges' table.
Judges? Carrie Ann thought it was a bit G-rated for a tango, but she did like it, because they took a chance. Len likes Cameron's posture and hold, but he thought it lacked some of the characteristic tango moves. Bruno interrupts to say that he disagrees, because he thought Cameron was like a ladykiller, Len clarifies that he thought it had too much attack and not enough slow. Bruno clearly disagrees, but lets it go. Backstage, Cameron says that he thinks Edyta is dragging the dancer out of him. Scores? Carrie Ann gives an 8, Len gives a 7, and Bruno gives an 8. When they cut to the judges, Bruno is making a shushing gesture to someone and waving his hands around. What is up with him?
I like how, this season, when we come back from break, Tom and Drew are always dancing. Maybe they always did and I never noticed. Last week, Mark and Kym got poor scores from the judges, but the fans saved them. This week, they're learning the jive, which really puts the hurt on Mark's bad hip. At one point, Mark really hurts himself and starts rolling around on the floor. I think there's a bit of fake drama there, because then he immediately gets up and starts dancing again. Mark says he doesn't want people feeling sorry for him, because he knew what he was getting into. Well, that's good, because I don't. Oh, dear. At one point, Mark gets a half-beat ahead, so their moves are out of sync. He manages to pull it back together, though. One thing that bugs me about Mark is his dancing face. It looks like that super-fake smile cheerleaders put on during competitions with mouth wide open and lots of eyebrow gestures. Anyway, it's okay, but not as energetic as Sabrina's.
Let's go to the judges. Bruno thinks Mark has more control and precision, but needs to be a bit lighter on his feet. Carrie Ann knows Mark is inexperienced, but he still has work to do. She advises him to use his shoulders more and own the space, instead of dancing with his face. Len compliments Kym's choreography, and says that Mark came out to entertain, even though he dropped his basket a bit there in the middle. Everyone thinks Mark has shown improvement, though. Backstage, Mark says that this whole week, he's been thinking about the fans who saved him last week. Let's hear the scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 7, and Bruno 7.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand, we're back. Last week, Derek and Jennie fell. And it was shown over and over and over. Jennie was really upset about it, and felt she had let everyone down. During rehearsal, Derek advises her to stop being upset, and instead to get angry, which fits in with the tango. Jennie thinks they have a chance to redeem themselves. They begin with Derek dragging Jennie out on the dance floor on his back. Jennie needs to work on her facial expressions; instead of arrogant/angry, she looks bored/constipated. But her footwork is good, and it seems quite intense, and she doesn't screw up, so it's all good. The audience gives them a standing ovation.
Len goes first and reminds everyone that the show is live. He calls their tango "sharp and tangy like a pickle." He cautions Jennie to watch her posture, but overall liked her moves. Carrie Ann gives Jennie a standing ovation and a high five. Carrie Ann has nothing but good things to say. Bruno thinks it was "the comeback of the season" and reminds Jennie, "Don't cry for me, Argentina." I wish I had a talking Bruno doll, where I could pull a string and random phrases would come out. It's not like a doll would make LESS sense than Bruno. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, Bruno 9. Jennie and Derek are thrilled and surprised. Drew tells Jennie that she's not scared to show her emotions, and Jennie says that she used it in her dance. Derek is proud of her. Sabrina and Julianne, sitting in the background, give Jennie a big hug, which is nice to see.
Tom makes a crack about Maksim's chest waxing, which I enjoy. Last week, Mel and Maks had "a triumphant quickstep," which I feel got kind of overshadowed because they went first. This week, they're doing the jive. Maks wants Mel to have more energy, so he takes her to see a show in Las Vegas that he's choreographing, so that she can see what goes into a professional dance performance. Um, didn't she tour with the Spice Girls? I realize there wasn't a ton of choreography there, but there was definitely a lot of performing. Their jive is...okay. The choreography isn't as good as I've come to expect from Maks, and there are a lot of individual moves as opposed to couples' moves. At the end, they do an intricate twisting and turning thing that is pretty cool, but it seems like there are a lot of times when Maks and Mel are just standing there, rubbing their hands over their own bodies, which doesn't seem all that jive-like to me.
But do the judges agree? Bruno calls Mel a "bouncing bombshell," and compliments her control and her improvement. Len liked Mel's bouncing action, and tells her it was her best dance. Carrie Ann agreed with the first two. I guess I'm biased against Maks or something, because I didn't think it was that great. Mel does a little shimmy on Tom, and he gets flustered. Time for scores! Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9. Wow, I was way off. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood because the Yankees are blowing it in the post-season. Drew makes a joke about how Maks's shirt is missing, and everyone is looking for it. Maks peels off what little clothing he is wearing on his upper body and stands there in his suspenders. Tom quips, "Well, we know they're not looking for his ego." TOM! My man.
Wayne was in the bottom two last week. Cheryl and Wayne practice the tango. Cheryl talks about how the tango comes from Argentinean cowboys, and Wayne takes her to his ranch. Cheryl uses a nearby horse to demonstrate the type of attitude and gait Wayne needs to have. Cheryl has pulled out all the stops to distract from Wayne's bad dancing this week. She's got a fan, she's barely wearing any clothes, and her dress is very frilly. Wayne has the aforementioned faux-nytail, which is gross. And about as natural-looking as his regular hair. The tango is actually not a terrible dance for Wayne, in terms of the slow steps. But he can't pull off the intricate footwork in the same way that the others have been able to do.
Carrie Ann likes how Wayne created and stayed in character. She felt at times that Cheryl was leading him, which is not good. Bruno calls Wayne a cross between Errol Flynn, Captain Hook, and Steven Seagal. Bruno tells Wayne he has to take over the lead. Len tells Wayne he looked like the cat from Shrek in the beginning, but he spent so much time on the character that the dance moves disappeared. Len did like the style and tone, though. The audience does not boo like they do when Len says mean things to other people. The scores this week are 6, 6, and 6, which is an improvement over last week. Backstage, Wayne tells us that he's lost a great deal of weight. Drew asks Cheryl what version of Wayne we're going to see , after Vegas Wayne and Gaucho Wayne. Cheryl totally doesn't answer the question and says that she thinks Wayne is a great guy and she's enjoyed working with him. Y'all? I think Cheryl is ready to be done with Wayne.
Floyd and Karina! Floyd thinks he'll do well at the jive, because it involves a lot of leg movement, which he's used to. He's also willing to work hard to get it. Karina comments that Floyd seems to love the jive, and she's seen a huge change in him. Floyd starts out the dance with some crazy jump-rope moves, and I'm kind of afraid he's going to ship someone in the audience. Floyd certainly has a lot of energy, but he really needs to work on not sticking his butt out so much and unhunching his shoulders. He really seems to enjoy all the pelvic thrusts -- maybe a bit too much. Overall? Eh.
Len thinks that Floyd pulled through on his promise to learn the dance, but he needs to practice in his dance shoes so he gets used to pointing his toes correctly. Carrie Ann liked the energy, but she thought it lacked structure and detail. Bruno thinks Floyd has rhythm, but he needs to work on the technique a little more. Backstage, Drew asks if the other contestants should be worried, and Floyd says that he has a fight on December 8th. He gets in a few plugs for the pay-per-view. Scores: 7, 7, and 7.
Now Jane and Tony are up. Jane talks about how, right after her dance, she found out that her mother died. She explains that her mother had a stroke right after Christmas, and couldn't speak. She had always loved the English version of the show, and she spoke for the first time when Jane told her she was going on the American version. Jane channeled all of her emotions into the tango, and she's dedicating it to her mother, who she knows would be proud. Jane and Tony's tango is really beautiful. Jane just has such elegant, beautiful lines that really work for this particular dance style. My only criticism would be her facial expressions; she sometimes looks like she's gritting her teeth when she's trying to look intense.
Bruno tells Jane that they've all been thinking of her, and he thinks her performance was "worthy of a silent movie queen." Len thinks that Jane really nailed the acting part of it, and it could have been on pay-per-view. Carrie Ann gets all choked up as she talks about Jane putting her emotions into the dance. Jane and Tony are very huggy-kissy. Stacy Keach better watch his woman! The judges' scores are 9, 9, and 9. And the nice thing is, they totally earned it, and it's not just a sympathy vote. Jane talks about how Tony has been there for her, and how the dance was therapeutic for her this week.
What about Helio and Julianne? Last week, they scored really well, and they started rehearsing only one hour after the show. Helio wants to practice his jump over and over again, and in one iteration, he twists his ankle, but he assures us that he can handle it. Julianne has the Olivia Newton-John headband on this week, which I kind of hate. They start with a giant leap off the platform. Helio executes his jump, and it's a little scary, but he lands it without injury. Overall, the dance is really good, between the footwork and the precision and the energy, and they end with some sort of slide that seems like it might have been a fall, and Julianne's dress almost fell off. Tom asks what happened as they limp over to the judges' station. Helio managed to tear his pants and bloody his knee.
Carrie Ann makes sure Helio is okay before she starts. She compliments how contagious his fun is, but she says he needs to focus on the moments when he's open and expressive. Bruno thinks Helio raised the bar high in weeks, and this week wasn't as clean and precise as he usually is. The audience boos. Note they didn't do that for Wayne. Len thinks Helio turned it on when it was needed. Backstage, Drew jokingly accuses Helio of working the sympathy vote with his limp. The judges' scores are 8, 8, and 8, which is not bad at all, although it's lower than they are used to.
One more dancer left: Marie Osmond with Jonathan, who looks more and more like a young Donny each week. They'll be doing a tango this week, and Jonathan explains that Marie is "the queen of drama" instead of a drama queen. Donny shows up, I think because he can't stand Marie in the spotlight without him. Seriously, there is no reason for him to be there. They begin their tango, and Marie pours on the drama. Their song is all about a female dancing teacher showing men how to do the tango, and Marie really acts it out. I think she had some lip injections or something this week, because her mouth is looking quite pouty. Her face overall is kind of jacked up -- more than usual. It's hard to compliment her acting ability when her face doesn't move.
Len thinks Marie was "absolutely elegant," and has surprised him, but she needs to lift her ribcage a bit more. Marie protests that she's had too many babies. Carrie Ann says that Marie reminds her of Lucille Ball, and she knows how to walk the line between camp and seriousness. Bruno agrees, and calls Marie "the Meryl Streep of dance." Backstage, Marie jokes that this was a labor of love, and she needs an epidural. Judges scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 9. Not bad! Marie is thrilled.
So let's look at the overall scores:
Sabrina and Mark - 27
Mel and Maksim - 27
Jane and Tony - 27
Jennie and Derek - 26
Marie and Jonathan - 26
Helio and Julianne - 24
Cameron and Edyta - 23
Floyd and Karina - 21
Mark and Kym - 20
Wayne and Cheryl - 18
My pick to go home? Wayne. I think when Cheryl is practically begging to go home, it's time. And I think after last week's surprise, there will be more people voting for Anyone But Wayne. But I've been wrong many, many times before.