After a quick retelling of what happened last week (answer: not much worth repeating: Mark was in the bottom two, and then Josie went home), Tom explains that the celebrities only had four days to learn their dance this time around, and we'll be seeing men and women on the same night. What? thing you know, cats and dogs will be living together and rain will fall up from the ground. LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Drew still looks nervous, but he does manage to toss out a "WOOOO!" before the celebrities walk down the stairs as they are introduced. The first couple will be Mel and Maks. Mel was really happy with their scores last week, but now she has to learn the quickstep. She complains about how rigid it is. Maks says that he can't contain Mel and make her look like a lady. I get what he's saying, but it's kind of rude. Maks calls in an etiquette coach to help Mel with her grace and posture. I know this is going to shock you, but she has to walk with a book on her head. And it falls off. And she has to learn to curtsy. Seriously, is this an episode of The Brady Bunch? Mel and Maks keep practicing, and Maks says she is improving, but I think her butt is still sticking out too much. Ziggah ziggah! They run out to the floor to do their dance to "Take On Me" by A-Ha. It starts with some really visually interesting twirls up on the upper stage. I don't know if that's part of the quickstep or not, but it looked cool. They head down to the main level and quickstep around. At the very end, they do a run gallop down the length of the floor, and Mel loses her posture a little bit, but not much.
So what did the judges think? Len says that the B in Mel B. must stand for "ballroom." He's impressed with her ability to keep her posture. Bruno compares Mel to Lena Horne and Ginger Rogers. Carrie Ann compliments Mel's posture, and advises her to work on her turns and her shoulders. The other judges tell Carrie Ann she's being too picky, but Carrie Ann says that she just thinks Mel could be really, really good with just a little more work. Mel and Maks head backstage to talk to Drew, who thinks they made the quickstep look easy. The judges reveal their scores: 7, 8, and 8 for a total of 23 out of 30. Mel and Maks are happy, and Drew gives a Spice Girls shout-out by asking the home audience to give Mel "what she wants, what she really, really wants." Mel pretends to choke him, like she couldn't have seen that coming.
I have to tell you – I got a new HDTV this weekend, and this show looks amazing, but man, do they wear a lot of makeup. Our couple is Mark Cuban and Kym. Mark remembers being in the bottom two last week, and promises to work hard to avoid that again. Kym says that she's never been around someone who worked so hard and was so focused. Mark is a sweaty, sweaty man. He tells us that he's not ready to be eliminated. I guess he learned to shut up about how much money he has; I think that hurt his votes last week. They start their mambo to "Must Be the Money." Mark's posture is not great. He's doing a lot of mugging for the camera, which is not my favorite, but he seems to have the steps down okay. He's got a sleeveless shirt on, and he does have nice arms, but he's just gross all around as far as I'm concerned.
But what did the judges think? Carrie Ann enjoyed Mark's exuberance and says that his face was dancing twice as hard as his feet. Well, that's one way to put it. She thinks his form was not great, though. Len thinks Mark should get the prize for hardest worker, but his dancing was like a match -- hot at the top and wooden below. He does compliment Mark for dancing on the second beat. Bruno tells Mark that he has determination, even if it was "like a bulldog chasing a squirrel." Whuh? Mark and Kym head backstage to talk to Drew. Mark spouts a lot of platitudes about how coming in last inspired him to work harder, and he doesn't want to let his supporters down. The scores are: 6, 6, and 6. Ouch. That's 18 out of 30. The crowd boos the judges. Well, it's nice to know someone likes Mark.
up is Wayne Newton and Cheryl. WHAT IS CHERYL WEARING? She's got on a white-and-blue spangled dress cut down to her navel, and it has blue fur trim on the sleeves and hem, and then there's a white cap with blue sequins with a GIANT BLUE FEATHER coming out of it. I wore a similar cap when I took dance classes as a kid, but it was the '80s, and I was ten. And I still knew it was ugly. Anyway, Cheryl is trying to get Wayne to use more hip action in their rehearsals, and when we see Wayne's hip action I throw up all over the place. Keep it in your pants, Grandpa. So they start dancing to "Viva Las Vegas" slowed down about a million times. It takes me about a third of the way into the dance to figure out whether they're doing the quickstep or the mambo (it's the quickstep). More like the medium-to-slow step. I realize I'm like the eightieth person to make that joke. Cheryl is dancing her fool head off trying to distract us from Wayne missing steps and not covering at all. At the end, Wayne is supposed to grab Cheryl under the armpits as she faces out and spin her around, and then slide her across the floor. Instead, he totally grabs her boobs and then manages to change his grip, but lets go of her too late, so his final move comes about five beats too late and oh, it's bad. I rewound it about three times.
I had to pause the recording to describe it, and it's paused just as Wayne and Cheryl approach the judges, and Carrie Ann has her head in her hand. That says it all. Bruno tells Wayne very seriously to work on his technique, and speed it up. Someone is booing. Did they even watch this? Carrie Ann compliments how he brought Vegas to the ballroom, but says he needed less hip action, since it was ballroom. Len doesn't think Wayne improved from last week, but acknowledges that it was a more difficult dance. Time for the scores: 5, 5, and 5. Wow. The judges are not cutting any slack tonight. Good for them! Drew tries to cheer them up by saying three 5s makes a nice poker hand. He wonders where Wayne gets so much energy, and Wayne says, "It's fear." I feel like he's this season's Jerry Springer, who people will keep voting for even when he's ready to go.
Marie and Jonathan . Marie says that the judges made her realize that she can't coast. As they rehearse, Marie says that learning the mambo made her realize how out-of-shape she is. They practice a fancy move where Jonathan dips Marie while only holding the back of her head, and then he passes his leg over her while switching hands. He drops her every time. They start dancing, and I don't know what's up with Marie's hair. She looks like Amy Winehouse or something. Other than that, her dancing is decent, and they manage to pull off the fancy dip move, which is called "the death drop." Her brother Donny in the audience cheers and whistles. Hey, Jimmy is there too! He used to be my favorite Osmond back in the day.
Judges? Len thought it was great, and advises her to work to her strengths, which lie in her ability as a performer. Bruno calls her "a real hot Latina mama" and compares her to Rita Moreno in West Side Story. Carrie Ann calls her "one hot cougar," which is kind of calling her old, right? Carrie Ann compliments Marie's trust in Jonathan, adding that she went all-out in her dangerous moves. Backstage, Marie is still out of breath. Jonathan admits that he's pulling out all the moves to prove they are contenders. The scores: 8, 8, and 8. Marie and Jonathan are thrilled. The other contestants sitting around cheer too, which is nice to see.
Albert and Anna review how much they stunned the judges last week, but this week, it's all about ballroom. Albert says that he decided to do the show as a tribute to his grandfather, who loved ballroom dancing. Anna arranged for Albert's grandmother to send him a video pep talk, and I actually had tears in my eyes when she said that he reminded her of his grandfather. I'm such a sap. Let's see how the dance works out. They're dancing to "99 Red Balloons," but their footwork doesn't seem fast enough to match the song. It's kind of...pedestrian. It certainly doesn't have the energy of last week's dance, which is the problem with coming out strong the first week.
Carrie Ann encourages Albert to keep up the exuberance and energy throughout the dance. Len thinks he is the dark horse, and advises him to live up to his potential. Bruno thinks Albert's energy flagged in the middle and compares his movements to "a space hopper," which he bounces in his seat to demonstrate. What in the hell is a space hopper? Time for scores: 7, 7, and 7. I think that's fair. As Albert talks about his late grandfather, you can see Cheryl talking to someone (Floyd?) in the background. Have some respect, Cheryl and Floyd! Anna admits that she didn't expect much from Albert, but he's great.
Helio feels more pressure to be good on the mambo because he's Brazilian, but as a race car driver, he doesn't know how to move his hips. As they rehearse, he and Julianne knock heads more than once. Ouch. Julianne thinks Helio's charm will pull him through. They start dancing and I just stop typing and watch, because it's amazing. I see what the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters pointed out this week, which is that Helio is actually leading, something that few male celebrities do. Carrie Ann points this out as well, and compliments Julianne's choreography. Len didn't think that Helio could top last week, but it was better, especially for the second week. Helio and Julianne are thrilled with the judges' remarks.
Backstage, Helio is very excited about the judges' comments. Helio doesn't think being Brazilian gives him an advantage in the Latin dances, and Julianne adamantly agrees. Drew tries to get Helio to name one other couple that he's worried about, but Helio won't single anyone out. Judges? 9, 9, and 9! Wow. I keep trying to figure out why Julianne looks older this season (other than the fact that she's, you know, older). I think she's lost weight, maybe?
Jennie and Derek are up . They start rehearsing and Jennie is thrown by Derek's leg going in between her legs as part of the dance. She can't stop giggling, especially because she sees Derek as a kid. He asks her to view him as George Clooney. Jennie jokes that she has bigger muscles than him. Jennie thinks that ballroom is more natural for her, and that does seem true.
Jennie and Derek start dancing to "Suddenly I See" by KT Tunstall. At least this is a reasonably fast quickstep, and I love Jennie's pink flowy dress. Things go well, with lots of complicated footwork, until the very end. Jennie runs across the dance floor and goes to slide under Derek's legs but something happens and he wipes out, taking her down with him. They end up on the floor together and try to piece together a big finish from a seated position, which doesn't really work out. Whatever happened, the leg that Derek lost was the one away from the camera so we couldn't see it.
Len enjoyed that they started the dance right away, but asks Jennie to work on her posture. Jennie is making a lemon-sucking face, which I think is her trying not to cry. Bruno compares it to the voyage of the Titanic, which started out well, but hit a few icebergs along the way. Carrie Ann tells Jennie that dancing is like acting, in that she needs to be present and not so much in her head. That's the same criticism Ian Ziering got last year! Jennie is either really hurt or really upset or both; she's clearly fighting back tears. ["We analyzed that weird face she was making pretty intensely in my living room, and I hypothesized that it was a combination of (1) embarrassment about messing up; (2) being really secretly competitive and therefore a little mad at Derek; (3) desperately trying to disguise how hard she was panting; and (4) really, really, REALLY too much self-tanner for someone who's so fair." -- Miss Alli] Backstage, Jennie and Derek find out their scores: 7, 7, and 7. Jennie looks much happier now, so the commercial break clearly did her good. Derek explains that he caught his foot on Jennie's dress. Jennie, who has lost her voice, squeaks out that her daughters advised her to not trip. Oof. That didn't work out so great.
Cameron and Edyta didn't get a great response from the judges last week. Cameron tries to learn how to shake his shoulders, but feels really silly while doing it. He puts a lot of pressure on himself, and nearly has a mental breakdown over his schedule. Edyta tells him that what he's doing is good enough, and he can't expect perfection. Dude. It's a dancing reality show. Relax. Edyta is wearing the second goofiest female outfit of the week. It's a coral-colored feathered...thing with a thin headband. They start dancing, and Cameron kind of has a big booty, for a white dude. He looks pretty good though, in terms of posture. His feet aren't as precise as they could be, but he's definitely got the facial expressions down.
They finish, and Tom asks what Cameron was so worried about. Carrie Ann thinks Cameron looks like a Greek god on the floor, and she thinks he needs to work on his musicality, because he was off the beat a bit. Len thinks Cameron was a bit stiff at first, but he needs to shake and bake. Bruno thinks Cameron looks like Superman but dances like Clark Kent, and he needs to relax and let the music flow through him. Scores: 7, 7, and 7. What is with the unanimous judges' scores tonight? Boring! I like when they fight and stuff. Drew tells Cameron that his hips looked good, and everyone giggles because Drew is a dude and he was looking at another dude. Ha ha! Gay panic.
Floyd and Karina are about to bust out a quickstep. This should be interesting, since his posture wasn't great in a Latin dance. Floyd claims that he doesn't know what the judges want, and everyone told him that he got robbed. Floyd gets frustrated because he keeps screwing up, even punching the air. Karina thinks Floyd wants this more than anything. Floyd promises not to let Karina down. So let's see it! Floyd is a little hoppy, but at least they chose a good song in "Signed, Sealed, Delivered." It's not smooth at all. Floyd's posture is better, but still not great, and you can kind of see him counting in his head. He ends by throwing Karina up on the judges' table for a big finish, then looks unsure, then smiles. He's got a great smile; I'll give him that.
Bruno thinks the footwork was good, and Floyd was light on his feet. He needs to work on his posture, but showed great improvement. Carrie Ann likes Floyd's spunk, and advises him to stop leading with his shoulders. Len knew Floyd would like this dance, because it's all on the balls of his feet, but he needs to avoid looking like he's trying to block a left hook. Floyd laughs through the remarks, because they're all very true. I don't normally comment on commercials, but is there anything more awesome than the little kids doing the robot in the MasterCard commercial? I freaking love that. Anyway, after the break, the scores come in: 7, 7, and 7. Floyd says he's happy with the score, and that he loves being recognized for dancing as much as boxing. Karina hugs Floyd and says that he's the "gentleman of all time!" When we cut back to Tom, he pretends to talk to someone offstage: "What's that? Mario's on line two?" Ha! Tom! That was funny.
Jane and Tony rehearse the mambo. Jane has trouble with the hip action. For some reason, they bring in a snake to show Jane how to slither around. Tony is really scared of the snake. That was almost as pointless as the etiquette expert. Jane looks freaking fantastic. She's got better legs than most twenty-year-olds I know. Jane is still a little stiff, and Tony isn't flashy enough to distract in the same way that Maks or Derek can be. Jane ends up looking too careful.
What do the judges think? Len thought it was precise and neat, when it needed to be raunchy and sizzling. I totally agree, but the audience boos and boos. Tom points out that Len used to hate raunch. Bruno thought was pretty and elegant, and Jane needs to get her fangs out. Carrie Ann thought the elegance worked, and Jane's playing to her strengths. Tom walks close to the camera to talk to us about voting, and then realizes that we're in HD. Yes, I am now, Tom. And you do need to back it up. Jane tells Drew backstage that she thinks you can have mambo moves that are both sexy and classy. Tony tells her she did a great job. Jane says she's having a great time, and no one can believe she's doing it. Despite the judges' disagreement in their comments, they end up giving 7, 7, and 7 yet again.
To finish off the night, we have last week's top scoring couple, Sabrina and Mark. Sabrina got the message about no hip-hop, which would be kind of hard to do in the quickstep. Sabrina, like everyone else, has trouble with the frame and the posture. At least this week, she didn't say cheetah-licious. They seem to have the combination of hopping and smoothness that the other couples mostly lacked. It's a bit disconcerting to see them dance past two guys dressed up as cavemen in the audience. I imagine someone finding this ten years from now and going, "The hell?" Ooh, they pulled off a tandem duck walk, which made my knees hurt just to look at. They end with Sabrina in a split, and she makes it look effortless.
Carrie Ann was worried about Sabrina making the transition to ballroom, but says that she shouldn't have worried. Len thinks Sabrina is fast but has control. He goes on a rant about balancing being fast with being slow, and Bruno snarks that it's called the quickstep. Len tells Bruno not to be a smartass. Whoa! Len! I think someone's a little tired and might also need a snack. Len was trying to say that there needs to be contrast. Bruno loved it, of course. Tom jokes to Len: "You want more raunch and a slower quickstep. I don't know you anymore!" Tom is such a pro. He makes hosting look easy, and I think we've all seen with Samantha and Drew that it's not that easy.
Backstage, Sabrina says how difficult this was for her. The scores: 9, 8, and 9. Same as last week. Drew once again urges everyone to vote for their favorites.
So to recap the scores:
Helio and Julianne: 27
Sabrina and Mark: 26
Marie and Jonathan: 24
Mel B. and Maks: 23
Albert and Anna: 21
Jennie and Derek: 21
Cameron and Edyta: 21
Floyd and Karina: 21
Jane and Tony: 21
Mark and Kym: 18
Wayne and Cheryl: 15
My prediction? I think Wayne will hold on one more week and Mark will go tomorrow night instead.