| Season 13 | Episode 3
It's the second week. You know what's kind of refreshing about this season so far? There's no huge frontrunner. Like I could name about five or six people that I think will make it pretty far, but in many seasons, after the first performance, you can pretty much pick who will be in the finals. Brooke and Tom introduce the couples, and they all walk down the stairs. For someone who was fairly light on his feet last week, Chaz looks really awkward coming down the stairs. He looks like a dude who has done too much lifting with his arms and now can't wipe his ass. You know those guys?
And with all these couples, it's time to get right into the dancing. First up with the jive is Hope Solo and her partner Maks. In their roll-in package, Hope explains that she's still playing soccer with the USA women's team in various spots around the country, but also trying to learn her dances. I think she has a legitimate concern when she points out that kicking a soccer ball and doing a kick in the jive look very different, and she has trouble adjusting. You don't want to point your toe when passing a soccer ball, because you'll break it. You want the ball to hit your instep, right? With your foot sideways and flat? And that's exactly what you DON'T want while dancing. Hope demonstrates how she would kick in soccer and it looks really, really awkward. Maks can't stop laughing at her, but he's also concerned that they're going to be eliminated soon and she'll have tons of time to practice soccer then.
So did she get those feet sorted out? Let's watch their jive and find out. Ooh, the beginning is not great. First of all, Hope has on the lowest-cut pants that I've ever seen on the dance floor. Imagine low-cut pants. No, lower. No, LOWER. I hope she has a lot of tape holding those things up. But on to the dancing: there's a lot of messing about in the beginning, which Len will hate, but which hides Hope's kicking problems. And boy, does she has problems. She doesn't flick her feet at all, or point her toe. Like imagine doing a kick with a completely flexed foot, and you've got it. Like last week, she does much better when in hold, but she's not in hold much. And she seems to forget some of the steps, and there's a look of panic on her face at times. I mean, it's not terrible. There's a lot of energy and they're moving really fast, which does disguise some flaws. But it's not great. The studio audience disagrees with me and they get a partial standing ovation. They are on drugs. Judges? Len thought it was crisp and fast-moving, but she lost her timing and her kicks weren't quite in sync with Maks at times. Bruno knows that Hope is powerful, but he wants to see precision and accuracy and she needs more rehearsal. Carrie Ann liked her performance and her attitude, and she wants her to both relax and worry about the details. Those seem like two very different things. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 7 and Bruno 6. When is Len ever the highest scorer? Even with all the messing about? Is Len drunk?
| Season 13 | Episode 3
up are Kristin Cavalleri and Mark. They have the quickstep this week and Mark wants her to work on her performing abilities. In rehearsal, Kristin seems really open to critique from Mark; everything he tells her to do, she nods and tries it, instead of whining or complaining. I admire that; it's the opposite of what most celebrities do. I mean, maybe they edit out all the times she's a brat, but so far she seems very dedicated and committed.
For their quickstep, Kristin is all kitted out like Marilyn Monroe, and she does actually bring more performance this week. She's going all out. She's a great dancer, light on her feet and doesn't miss a step. My only critique would be that her intensity dips in and out. She hits certain beats really well, but during the more complicated footwork sections, and in hold, she still smiles but you can kind of see her counting in her head. It's a minor detail, but it's something she should work on. Judges? Bruno thought she was "twinkling with pleasure," but advises her to work on her frame. He demonstrates where she went wrong and nearly clotheslines Len in the process. Carrie Ann thought she was "stunning, sophisticated" and elegant. Len thought she looked fantastic, but her dancing didn't live up to her looks upon closer look. He didn't like that they broke hold (which is Mark's fault), but it was an improvement over last week. Scores? Carrie Ann 8, Len 7 and Bruno 7.
David and Kym have the jive this week, which seems to better fit his personality. David says as much, claiming that it's "silly but also complicated," just like him. David is exhausted in rehearsals, but thinks things are going well. Kym has to break it to him that it was terrible, frantic with no technique. Kym wants him to relax and go with the dance. Yeah, he could go totally manic and it would be very bad. So let's see.
Okay, so I'm trying to figure out what is not right with this routine, or at least why it's not living up to my expectations. The footwork is good. The kicks are not great - it's all kick with no flick. But it's something more than that. I think it's that I expect David Arquette of all people to be a Performer with a capital P. Like he's got personality to spare. But I don't see a performance. He looks tired and worried, not the greatest attributes for the jive. I don't know if he tried to tone it down and swung too far that way or what, but I wanted to see more of a character and it was all David. That said, it seemed really complicated and he did well with a lot of it. Technique-wise, it wasn't too bad, but performance-wise, I expected more. But his daughter caught his coat when he threw it, which is adorable. Judges? Carrie Ann loved his enthusiasm, but thought he almost lost control a few times. She thinks he's headed in the right direction. Len didn't think it looked like a jive at all, but he also liked the enthusiasm and that David threw himself into it. Bruno likes that he didn't hold back, but he looked like a runaway train. Bruno advises him to keep the confidence, but work on the technique. So I thought the exact opposite of the judges. Okay. I am actually going to rewind this right now and watch it again because I'm very confused. Yeah, I think all of the attitude that the judges were seeing was in the choreography, and not intrinsic to David's personality. I don't know what they were watching, but maybe it played differently in the room. Very different from Carson last week, who had no technique but tons of attitude and charisma. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6 and Bruno 6. I thought that was really generous, but the audience boos.
| Season 13 | Episode 3
Elisabetta didn't get great marks last week, deservedly so in my opinion, so this week, she has some making up to do with her quickstep. In rehearsals, Val and Elisabetta clash. He seems really impatient with her. He claims it's because she doesn't listen and doesn't seem to have any enthusiasm about learning, but I kind of think it's his first season on the show and he expected more. He's teaching her like she's been taking lessons for ten years, and meanwhile she never danced before. I mean, she seems a little bitchy, but he's taking the wrong approach, I think. So how will this impact the final routine?
Well, he definitely has to lead her around the floor, but her footwork is a lot better this week, and she's smiling. She seems to screw up one important move, but covers well and doesn't break composure. Her frame is pretty good. Val's cummerbund comes detached at some point, but he ignores it. There is some lady sitting by the side of the stage that is SO EXCITED, grinning ear to ear and clapping and I can't stop looking at her instead of at the dancers. Elisabetta doesn't project her joy out to the audience; it's very internal. She also does the white man's overbite while dancing alone. It's better than last week, overall, but boring. Judges? Len says it wasn't great, but it was better. Bruno thinks she is back on track, and she should keep working at it. Carrie Ann loves that she overcame her problems from last week, since that's what the show should be about. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7 and Bruno 7.
Rob Kardashian admits that he's insecure about his weight and he doesn't like to do the jive because his man boobs jiggle. Look, I get feeling bad about your weight. I do. And I think it's sweet that he admitted it but he's not that big and he's young, and I have to believe that if he ate healthy with all the rehearsing that he could drop ten pounds in no time. I guess the producers got the note that Rob came off like an asshole last week.
Oof, Rob's outfit. Someone who doesn't like his moobs should NOT wear a Hawaiian shirt, open, over a white tank top. Why would he do that? Or allow it? Because you know what? It does make him look much chubbier than he did last week. And then they put him in khakis, but they're floods, and pink dance shoes. It makes him look like a baby hippo, mostly because he's got the Kardashian ass. Kim's not the only one with junk in the trunk. And a lot of guys can pull that off; Maks's butt is pretty big. But with the short pants -- it just doesn't work. By the time I get done analyzing the outfit, I realize that their routine is almost over and I need to focus. He's not bad! I mean, he still looks really self-conscious and stiff, but his technique is not terrible. I'll be interested to see what the judges think. Bruno thinks that Rob really came out of his shell and showed a connection with Cheryl that was missing previously. Carrie Ann sing-yells that Rob is better than his sister Kim. Len liked the energy and pace, as well as the confidence. The judges couldn't be more enthusiastic. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7 and Bruno 7. The crowd approves of those scores.
| Season 13 | Episode 3
Last week, people just liked Carson because he's really likable. He's a terrible, terrible dancer. But you want to like him. But he's really uncoordinated. The good thing is that he knows it, and is willing to work hard. Which will make it even sadder if he is awful. And judging by his rehearsals, that might happen. Eesh. Okay, his footwork is pretty good. At least, his feet are moving together and in the right directions. His kicks are awful, though. He kind of looks like that scene in any body-takeover movie where the protagonist fights with himself? You know, like Steve Martin or Jim Carrey or whoever has to try to keep himself from doing something that the spirit inside his body wants him to do? That's how Carson dances. Like a man possessed. By a really uncoordinated demon. There's a lot less joy and personality this time around too, but the dancing is a little better. Judges? Carrie Ann saw improvement, but she thought it was a little wobbly and he seemed to be fighting with his partner at times. Len tells Carson he's the worst dancer but also the most fun to watch, and Len likes that he worked the hardest this week. Bruno goes off on a tangent about banana skins but concludes that there's work to do on technique, but it was great entertainment. Here's the thing: Carson is not going to get much better, technique-wise. That's the sad truth. And usually I don't root for the ones that are entertaining, but I'm rooting for him. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6 and Bruno 6. Overscored. And remember, I'm rooting for him.
Ricki and Derek are up . He wants her to bring attitude and charisma, and she's confident that she can. What she's not as confident about is her ability to get through rehearsals, since she's not a twenty-something like Derek, and the jive requires a LOT of energy. I would probably pass out in the first eight bars, so I'm with her.
Well. First let me get this out of the way: that was the worst version of "Hey Ya" ever. I mean, that's a great song. No one disputes that. But I felt like the awful version sucked energy out of the routine. Anyway. The first third is not even a jive. Derek is doing a lot of Mark Ballas-like dancing around Ricki, whose feet are barely moving. The jive should feature constant kicks and flicks and Ricki's feet don't start moving until the dance is like half over. Then she does a few bars, and then there's this weird sexual groin-rubbing segment that makes me feel uncomfortable and is also not a part of the jive. So I don't know how to score this. As a routine, it was fine, although it tried way too hard. LOOK AT ME, I'M SEXY! Calm down, routine. We get it. And then as a jive, there was nothing there. I like Ricki, even if she won't shut up about Kirstie Alley. (Shut up about Kirstie Alley, Ricki) I'm torn. It wasn't bad. The technique was fine. I think it failed in the choreography, which is usually Derek's strong suit, so I'm confused. Judges, tell me what to think. Len found it a bit disturbing, and wanted more jive content, but thought it was an improvement on last week. Bruno thinks Ricki is the first person tonight who did the kicks and flicks correctly, and Carrie Ann thinks it was the best jive of the night so far. Keep in mind that their competition was Hope (soccer player feet), David (awkward), and Rob (flat foot). So I don't know how much of an accomplishment that is. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7 and Bruno 8. Overscored.
| Season 13 | Episode 3
The couple to dance will be Chaz and Lacey, who surprised everyone in a good way last week. Chaz is already having knee problems, and the quickstep is not going to help with any knee problems, because there's a lot of bouncing. Chaz gets some help from a doctor and Lacey dumbs down the routine to try to save his knees. I don't want to state the obvious here, but I will: losing weight wouldn't hurt. I say that as someone who had hip and knee problems and couldn't figure out why until I lost some weight and was like, "Oh! So joints don't work as well when they're carrying around all those extra pounds!" Anyway, I hope getting in shape through dance will help Chaz feel better. But is the dancing any good?
Oh. Oh dear. This is hard to watch. You know how in the quickstep, there are supposed to be these runs down the floor and quick feet? Those aren't happening. It looks like a waltz. I mean, Chaz is trying, and Lacey is trying REALLY HARD. But she's had to work around his great limitations and it doesn't look like any kind of quickstep. I don't even know how you judge that. Let's find out. Bruno calls it "an Ewok dancing with Princess Leia" in terms of likability, but admits that it needed to be faster. Carrie Ann could see the pain in Chaz's face, and thinks he was charming, but also needed more quick stepping in the quickstep. Len admired his grit and determination but thinks he has moved faster through a carwash. Chaz looks like he may have a heart attack. That would be a first on live television, huh? Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5 and Bruno 6. Should have been three 5s, I think.
Chynna and Tony were amazing last week with their waltz, so there's nowhere to go but down, right? That's kind of worrisome and a lot of pressure. Chynna is really hard on herself in rehearsals, and Tony is just laughing at her. She starts out saying "Fudge" but finally she yells out something stronger and adds, "Sorry, Jesus. I have to curse." That may be my favorite all-time line on this show. I think it was all in the delivery.
So obviously, their jive is really good, although it feels a lot more Latin than anything else. I guess because it's not the typical '50s greaser thing that EVERYONE does, and I'm not used to it. But there's something odd about Chynna's legs, and I can't pinpoint it. I think she's not bending her knees enough? Her arms and upper body look great, and she really sells it with her facial expressions, but her legs look weird. Did the judges notice? Carrie Ann just likes watching Chynna dance, but felt like she played it a little safe. Len thinks it's because they had really high expectations after last week, and they weren't wowed. It was too polite. Bruno wants her to let out her inner sex kitten, and thinks she needs to go full bore. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7 and Bruno 7. Underscored. There's no way that routine was equal to Rob or Elisabetta.
| Season 13 | Episode 3
Everyone loves Nancy Grace's partner, Tristan. Seriously. That's all I've seen this week is how much everyone loves hearing him talk. So I'm betting he'll be back season even if Nancy goes out early. Anyway, she is a total bitch to him in rehearsals, refusing to do steps and kind of snapping at him, and she admits that's because she feels like she doesn't know what she's doing and so she shuts down. That's productive. Anyway, she apologizes and he apologizes back, and I think they might be having an affair. I mean, they are really, really touchy feely. Except why would he? I mean, come on.
Let's set aside those yucky thoughts. How is the routine? Well, her footwork is pretty good, but kind of slow. And her frame is AWFUL. Like non-existent. It also looks like she's fighting against Tristan a lot of the time, and he struggling to steer her in the right direction. The thing is, her footwork really was pretty decent. I don't know if she froze up and forgot the steps or was under-rehearsed or what. And then the most terrible thing happens. Her boob pops out on the final move. You can see her hug Tristan and whisper something in his ear, probably, "Holy shit, my whole boob is hanging out" and the producers cut to an audience shot of people just sitting and staring, which I think is like their version of a test pattern, because the audience is applauding for real. Then they walk over to Tom but they cut away again quickly because her nipple is still poking out over her neckline. You can see screen caps elsewhere on the 'net, if you must. So they cut to the same unclapping audience shot and Tom fixes it for her and she is REALLY embarrassed. I actually feel bad for her, because not only did her boob pop out but the editing made it look like no one was clapping for her.
So let's get to the judging. Len says it was refreshing that they didn't break the rules and did a proper quickstep mostly in hold, even if it lacked razzamatazz. Bruno thought it was confident and a great improvement. Carrie Ann says that she likes razzamatazz unlike Len but she thinks they are a great team who has persevered. Tom tries to do the plug as scripted but the judges are still arguing over the razzamatazz. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 8 and Bruno 7. I can't believe Len gave that routine an 8. The frame was awful! Len is seriously drunk.
JR and Karina are the final couple to dance. Like Chynna, JR is going in with big expectations due to his high scores last week. He also thinks he doesn't have as many fans as some of the others. You know, after the first week, I bet he does. I know a lot of people were inspired by his backstory, and then he also danced great. And thank God, right? Because you'd hate to think he was moving forward because people felt sorry for him. From what little we've seen, I think he would hate that. But he's really good.
| Season 13 | Episode 3
You guys, I just watched the whole jive routine and typed nothing. I just sat here with my mouth open. It was AMAZING. I mean, there were a few tiny glitches that just let me know he's not a pro, but for week two? Unbelievable. Sharp kicks and flicks. Tough choreography. It looked like a jive. Seriously, that should get 9s and 10s. Judges? Bruno says it was the most satisfying performance of the night, and he's ecstatic. Carrie Ann yells at them for the lifts and Karina just shrugs. She knew they would get docked a point. Len complains that it was a Lindy Hop instead of a jive. Karina looks a little confused about that, and I wish someone would explain the difference. Also, it bothers me that JR is docked for things that are totally Karina's fault. I'm not worried -- people will vote for them. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7 and Bruno 8. Wow, I thought it deserved better. Ricki's dance was not better than that. Not even close.
So who's going home? I'm going to guess... man, I have no clue. Chaz is lowest, but I think he has some people power voting. Maybe Carson? Or Hope? Or David? I mean, anything could happen. We'll find out tomorrow night.
Ricki and Derek: 23
Kristin and Mark: 22
JR and Karina: 22
Elisabetta and Val: 21
Rob and Cheryl: 21
Chynna and Tony: 21
Nancy and Tristan: 21
Hope and Maks: 19
David and Kym: 18
Carson and Anna: 18
Chaz and Lacey: 17