I seem to have missed quite a bit last week, as Alicia is gone and there's some sort of Dance Your Ass Off DVD the winner gets to dance on as part of his or her prize. Also, it's the season finale! MJW gives us a recap of the entire season, and there's Alicia's screaming fit once again. Of course. I really hope the Dance Your Ass Off DVD comes with a full version of the theme song. So catchy!
MJW is celebrating the season finale with a slightly less-than-heinous dress. Best of all, it appears to be loose and flowing and not squeezing her to death. She still sucks at hosting, though. Like, she might smile as she reminds us that the winner gets $100,000, but underneath that smile is pure hatred and jealousy. The judges are released from the rhinestone egg. Lisa is all dressed up for the finale! And her lips look more real than ever! And then MJW tells us that the nine contestants sent home will be back this week. Hooray! I hope they've all kept the weight off and even lost some more.
At the loft, Ruben is boring Shayla to tears as he talks about how nervous he is to go home and get back into his life again. Then Angela walks in! Pinky, Shayla and Ruben actually remember who she is, which is surprising. Warren walks in , not looking that much lighter than when he left. Warren is the king of backhanded compliments as he says that "Ruben looks like an ice cream cone that just melted in the sun." Actually, I don't even think that's a compliment at all. That's pure insult. And there's Karla, looking good! Tara gets three seconds of screentime for her entrance, which is almost as much as she got during her time on the show. And here comes Brandon... and then Miles! Holy crap, Miles looks great! Trice does a silly walk into the room and gets her ass felt up by Ruben. The fact that he can feel her ass tells you that she did not, in fact, dance her ass off. And then Mara, followed by Alicia, walk in. Tara says that Alicia looks "transformed." I'll say this -- she has a waist now! Hooray for Alicia! I can like her because I didn't have to watch the episode last week where she inevitably cried a thousand tears as she was kicked off. And then MJW and her giant hair walk in and hug everyone, even though she hates them all and they barely know who she is. She takes her place in front of the entire group and says she has "exciting news." The contestants will be performing with each other for the finale! I hope they do the dance they do in the opening credits. And I hope MJW does not do the dance she does in the opening credits. It looks like she has to go to the bathroom. MJW says they'll all be wearing what they wore during their first week to show how much they've changed. Does she mean their dance outfits or their regular clothes? I guess I'll find out. By the way, if it's the dance outfits, that's not to show the viewers how much they've changed -- it's to save money on wardrobe.
Miles puts his first-week costume pants on and he is swimming in them. And slightly ashamed that he was ever big enough to fit in them in the first place. Trice (pronounced Tree-sha-nell, of course!) looks much better in her first-week costume and says that she is now able to fit a towel around her body -- something she couldn't do before. For real? How are you not able to fit a freaking towel around yourself and still not doing anything about it? [Like buying much bigger towels? - Zach] I just really don't understand obesity. Warren, of course, fits quite nicely into his first-week outfit, although the costumers try to tell us different. Despite being the first person kicked off the show, Angela's lost five or six inches from her waist. Tara's lost three. Karla is looking so tiny! And Brandon, who I had so little hope for, seems to have lost a lot of weight, too. He is now able to easily zip up the sweatshirt he couldn't zip up at all during his first week. Mara's costumer points out that her shorts are now loose around her legs, when before they were tight. Damn. Alicia's lost a lot of weight, too.
In total, the twelve contestants have lost 420 pounds. Great job, everyone! And now, the dance. It's to "Please Don't Stop the Music" by Rihanna, of course, because every song is by Rihanna. OMG, Karla gets to begin with The Robot! Awesome! And Warren only knows how to do the dance where he spins his hands around. Miles looks hot and he knows it. Alicia still needs to work on her dance face. The three finalists get showcases. First up is Shayla, who looks seriously awesome in her first week outfit. Then Ruben, who doesn't. It's not his fault - that outfit is freaking ugly. I love his "dust the shoulder" move though. Holy crap, Pinky is tiny. How did she lose so much weight and be in the bottom two almost every week? And then, group dance! It's nothing too complicated, since Warren has to be able to do it, but it looks cool. The judges give them a standing ovation, and then MJW asks what they thought. Mayte says it's great to see them still losing weight. No shit, Mayte. Lisa is on the verge of tears, but I no longer believe her after she had that crying fit two weeks ago only to fake us all out and not send anyone home. Danny is legitimately impressed and amazed.
MJW asks Mayte what Shayla needs to do tonight to win. Mayte says that Shayla was in her head too much last week and needs to let it go this week. It's not like she's under enormous pressure and there isn't a ton of money at stake or anything. Let it go, Shayla! Lisa's advice for Ruben (as we see his boyfriend and sister in the audience to watch him -- I guess Ruben's brother just didn't cut it during his last visit. Or he got a sex change. Whatevs) is to get into the musicality and passion of the dance and not get hung up on the choreography. So basically she has the same advice that Mayte does. Danny's advice for Pinky (as we see her brothers in the audience and learn their names are "House" and "Oden." Maybe those are their real names? And Pinky's real name is Pinky and their parents are weirdos?) is to work on her lines and extensions, strengthen her core, and believe in herself. As usual, Danny's advice is the best. Advantage: Pinky.
MJW says that the contestants will be dancing twice. The first dance is a style that the contestants chose for themselves, and the second is one that the judges picked for them. One of the judges is also the show's creator and executive producer. Hmmm. We flashback to just after last week's show, when the contestants were given their final dances. Shayla gets the Roomba. So unfair! They'd better give sweet prizes like that to Pinky and Ruben as well. Oh, I'm sorry -- Mayte said "Rumba," not "Roomba." Shayla acts like she's all happy about it, but then interviews that she has no idea what that dance style is all about. Ruben gets the Paso Doble, which he's thrilled about, because it's very manly. And Pinky gets the Samba. I'm sorry, but those are three different dances and I'm sure some are easier than others. They should really give them all the same dance to make it fair. Especially since the Paso Doble is freaking easy. Advantage: Ruben. Also, when I went to look up Paso Doble on Wikipedia, it said this: "you are never to dance alone, because it looks really stupid." Advantage: Encyclopedia Britannica. MJW tells us that there will not be a bottom two this week and that the dancing order is completely random. And with that, Pinky is up first.
Pinky and Mr. Lucky are dancing hip-hop, of course, but there's a problem: Pinky messed up her foot during the all-contestant dance rehearsal and Dr. H, who can't be bothered to actually come around to check it out, tells her over the phone to stay off of it for the entire week. Uh-oh. Mr. Lucky carries her around the stage and interviews that Pinky deserves to win after all the work she's done to get to the end. I say Dr. H should just give Pinky some painkillers and let her get to it. It's only for a week, and $100,000 is at stake! But no, she has to do a lot of swimming and watch her routine on video to try to memorize it. I don't have high hopes for Pinky anymore. She's dancing to "Kiss Kiss." And there's Lisa, bobbing her head arhythmically to the music! I'll miss that. Pinky and Mr. Lucky aren't totally in sync with their moves -- probably because they haven't been able to practice together -- but it's still good. And Pinky gets to show her brothers that she can dance hip-hop well enough to be in their dance troupe.
MJW screams for Pinky to come in front of the judges. Pinky says she's in pain and Mayte says she could tell that Pinky was hurt, but she still had the energy and the passion so she gets a 9. Because, as I've said before, Mayte only knows two numbers and the other one is 6 and this dance was definitely better than a 6. Lisa is crying, of course, as she says that she can see the new confidence on Pinky's face along with the pain. Also, she is sexy now. That gets her another 9. Pinky says she's in pain and was ready to quit, but this is her dream (to win a fat people dance contest? Huh) and she's going to put her all into achieving it. "I don't care if I'm bleeding," she says. Well, she should. It's not hygienic to bleed all over the place, and it could cause her or Mr. Lucky to slip on the dance floor. Finally, Danny gets to weigh in. He says that was the best hip-hop Pinky's done all season as her parents applaud from the crowd. They don't look insane, so I guess House, Oden and Pinky are just nicknames after all. Danny gives Pinky a 9 for a first dance average of 9.
Ruben is up and his dance choice is country. The hell? I thought Ruben had taste, but I was wrong. Hilary the dance partner says that Ruben deserves to win because he's been "the most committed" to the process. Also because he's a ringer. Ruben interviews that he wants to be first to show himself that he can succeed at something he commits to. Unfortunately, he also committed to wearing a purple and black striped tie over a green-grey shirt for the interview. Ruben is dancing to "Save A Horse/Ride A Cowboy," and he is wearing a cowboy hat and sparkly red western shirt. Good lord. He hams it up for the routine, which doesn't look very technically impressive to me but does end with Hilary straddling Ruben, so that's fun. Mayte loved the dance and gives Ruben a 9. Lisa continues to be emotional and also gives Ruben a 9. Danny doesn't think Ruben's choice of dance style allowed him to really show off everything he's learned during his professional dancing career time on this show. But then the camera cuts over to Ruben's boyfriend who has cancer, and Danny has to be kind and give Ruben a 9. Ruben says he chose the dance he did because he wanted to have fun for his second-to-last dance and show off some of his personality. Apparently I do not like Ruben's personality. Ruben's first score dance average is a 9.
Last up is Shayla. Mario interviews that he's had an "amazing" experience with Shayla. He clearly thinks that she deserves to win this competition because he's in love with her. Unless he's gay. Shayla thinks she deserves to win because she's in love with herself. And her dad. And lyrical jazz? Because that's the style she chose for herself. She'll be dancing to "No Air." What can I say about lyrical jazz? It seems to involve a lot of spinning around. Shayla's boyfriend is still hot. It looks like a dance recital for talented 10-year-olds, just like all jazz dances do. Except for the part where Shayla lies on top of Mario, of course. And also of course, Shayla is very emotional and proud of her amazingness as soon as the music is over. Her parents are in the audience. I was not aware that she had a mother. Mayte loved everything about the dance and gives Shayla a 10. Shayla does that thing where she's so overcome that her knees buckle. She does this like ten times a show these days. Lisa also loved Shayla's dance and its beauty and strength, but not enough to give her a 10. Just a 9. Shayla's knees do not buckle. Danny says Shayla started a bit weak before really picking it up and gives her a 9. Her first dance average is 9.3, which puts her in the lead.
After the break, MJW says there's a special bonus for the nine eliminated contestants: a $5,000 prize for the person with the greatest percentage of weight loss. Miles is very happy about this, as well he should be. He looks great and is a shoo-in to win. MJW will read off everyone's name and his or her stats. The last person she calls is the winner. You do not want to be the second-to-last person she calls up. Warren, of course, is first because there's no possible way he won this. He lost 29.1 pounds or 8.14% He says after losing just that amount of weight he's noticed that he has more energy and feels better, so he hopes to continue. Angela lost 22.3 pounds, which is 12%. Mara also lost 12% with 31.5 pounds. "That's what's up," she says. No, Mara - that's what's down! Tara lost 31.1 pounds for a percentage of 13.1. Brandon lost 21.5 pounds. That's just 9.33%. He says that's more than he expected. Sigh. Trice lost 39.4 pounds, which is 14.33%. Karla lost 23.8 pounds or 13.61%. She must have gained a lot of muscle, because she looks pretty damn slim now. Alicia and Miles are the two remaining contestants. They're both nervous. And sucks for them - MJW won't tell them who won until the show. Quick, Alicia! Throw the Cheat Cabinet at MJW! Back on stage, Miles says that he changed a lot of things when he went home from Dance Your Ass Off, like his job and some of his friends. Huh? Losing weight is cause to dump friends? How? Unless those friends are Mr. Frank N. Furter and Miss French Fries. [That's Dr. Frank N. Furter. - Z] Alicia says she's transformed mentally as well as physically. And she's crying the entire time. But she's looking forward to loving the rest of her life, so that's cool. So who won? Well, Alicia lost 48.2 pounds or 18.71%. Pretty impressive! And Miles lost 45.3 pounds, or 17.3%. Which means Alicia wins! No way! I guess venting your lifelong rage at the Cheat Cabinet is an honestly good way to drop the pounds. Anyway, I'm happy Alicia won, because it turns out that when she isn't crying and screaming and making weird dance faces on this show, she's pretty cool. Congrats!
Ruben will be up first for the second dance. He reminds us that he was fat when he first came on this show. He really was, though -- 314 pounds! And let's not forget that his boyfriend has cancer. He's dancing to "When I Grow Up." The song does not match the dance style at all, but that's not Ruben's fault. He has the angry man-sneer you're supposed to have for the Paso Doble and it looks pretty great to me. Mayte was really impressed with Ruben's "mind-blowing" performance and gives him a 10. I love how happy Hilary is, by the way. Lisa also gives Ruben a 10. Danny is beyond impressed with Ruben's dance, saying he'd give him an 11 for it if he could. But he can't, so he must settle for a 10. That's a perfect score for Ruben and an overall dance average of 9.5.
Shayla goes second. She says that she came on this show after being in a four-year-long funk, and it was really frustrating at first. But then as she lost weight and worked out and was able to do the dance moves she couldn't do before, it got better. And let's not forget that she sprained her ankle. Oh no! She had to hug Dr. H! She should win just for that. She's also proud of losing six cup sizes. Damn. Most of us don't even have six cup sizes to lose. But I wonder if her boyfriend is as happy about the loss as she is. Shayla is dancing to "If I Were A Boy." She has a very pretty dress on. The dance is also beautiful, but it seems so slow after Ruben's. Nice boob-grab for the end pose though, Shayla. Classy. Mayte thought it was "really good" but she wanted to see more. Not sure of what, but it's good enough to give Shayla a 9. Lisa thought that Shayla's rumba was more of her lyrical jazz dancing. So she gives her an 8. But Lisa is also the producer of this show and could make up a reason to give any contestant any score she wanted so he or she would win or lose. I'm just saying. Shayla is freaking furious at the 8, by the way. Danny says he normally doesn't like the rumba, but Shayla actually made him love it. Shayla's knees almost buckle. Then he gives her a 9, which is probably not the 10 she was hoping for. It gives her a second dance average of 8.7 and an overall average of 9.
Pinky's turn! She says she's come a long way, both in dancing skill and fitness, since she started on the show. Let's not forget that she couldn't lose weight and was in the bottom two, like, all the time. And let's not also forget that that is totally crazy nutritionist Meg's fault. She's dancing to "All Nite (Don't Stop)." It has a ton of energy at the very start, and Lisa does the best arrhythmic headbob of the series for it! Don't ever change, Lisa! Aw, Pinky's parents are either dancing (Dad) or crying in a dignified manner (Mom). It's very technical and intricate, and Pinky's footwork looks a little shaky at times, but you can't tell that her foot hurts. Until the dance ends, at which point she's immediately in tears and limping over to the judges. MJW and Mr. Lucky ask if she's okay. In between sobs she says "I want my scores!" Pinky rules. Mayte's score will probably be awesome, as she starts by saying she's speechless. But not really, because she follows that up with a speech about how great Pinky's dance was. She gives Pinky a 10. Lisa also gives Pinky a 10. Danny says he's blown away by Pinky's transformation and loves her non-hip-hop dancing even more than her hip-hop. He also gives her a 10. Pinky's second dance average is a 10 and her overall is 9.5.
Time for the all-important, all-deciding weigh-in! But first, a montage of our finalists as they lost weight over the ten weeks. And then all three contestants are on scales. I guess we'll get their results all at the same time? No. Shayla gets hers first. She lost... well, I just lost five minutes of my life waiting for the dramatic pause to be over. FINALLY, it is revealed that she lost 4.0 pounds for a percentage of 2.29 and an overall score of 11.29. MJW says that puts Shayla in first place, but only because no one else has weighed in yet. I mean, come on. Shayla has lost 35.6 pounds overall since the show began. Of course, she's really proud of herself. "Congratulations, Shayla," MJW says without sincerity.
Ruben needs to lose at least 4.5 pounds to pass Shayla's score and knock her out of contention. "How are you feeling?" MJW asks him. How the fuck do you think, MJW? Ten minutes later, Ruben lost 7.5 pounds for a percentage of 3.03 and an overall total final score of 12.53. That's it for Shayla. And probably Pinky, too. No way can she lose enough weight to beat Ruben. MJW says that Shayla might not have won the money, but she did lose a lot of weight. MJW is so jealous. Shayla is booted off the stage for Pinky's weigh-in.
After a cruel but expected commercial break during which I see there's a reunion show week, so it appears that my weecapping duties are not over after all, we finally get to find out how much weight Pinky lost. I am so cheering for her, even though I know there's no way she lost the weight she needed. Pinky says she's happy for the opportunity to dance and that she didn't give up when her foot was hurt. MJW asks Pinky's parents if they're proud of Pinky. YES THEY ARE SHUT UP LET'S GET TO THE FREAKING WEIGH IN. Pinky needs to lose 4.9 pounds to beat Ruben tonight. She lost... 4.4. Not enough. Aw. Ringer Ruben wins, of course. But I'm still happy for him, because his boyfriend's happy reaction was kind of awesome. Pinky's total score is 12.23. So close! Oh well. And true to freaking form, MJW gives Ruben the microphone for him to say good-night only to yank it away when he's in mid-sentence.
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