Let me just say I found an exciting new way to lose weight that I'm going to share with you all, because I know that's what brings the readers in: diet tips! Anyway, I got my tonsils removed last Thursday, and the pounds are just melting away, thanks to my all-liquid diet and the painkillers that effectively remove any appetite I might have had. Dancing is for suckers! Also, pardon me if I seem cranky or cracked-out this week. I'm either in a lot of pain, or I've taken something for that pain that makes me a little dopey. I shall do my best! MJW's dress is ugly as usual when she greets us, and we flash back to earlier this week at the loft, when Alicia found a note on the kitchen counter. She screams for everyone else, and Mara says that when she heard Alicia scream, she came running. I would too, because Alicia's screaming is usually accompanied by the destruction of the cheat cabinet and that's always fun for a few laughs. I hope Mara brought her camera phone again this time! But it's not a cheat cabinet attack this time -- as Alicia takes forever and day to dramatically explain, the note simply says they have two routines this week: a hip-hop dance and a tango. What, MJW couldn't stop by to give the news? What's she busy doing? Ruben interviews that he's not very familiar with hip-hop, but I don't believe he's at any kind of disadvantage at all, what with him being a former professional dancer and winning almost every week. Except for last week, when it really counted. Whoops! Pinky tries to pretend that she's feeling the pressure this week when, again, she is a hip-hop dancer, so she should be just fine. Mara and Shayla, meanwhile, have already done a tango and hip-hop as one of their routines, so it's really just Alicia who's totally screwed this week. She snarls in an interview that the tango came easy to her. It does not come easy to Shayla or Pinky.
For hip-hop, the contestants get a lesson from some woman who teaches at the product placement gym. She's supposed to be some kind of fitness legend, and her name is Madonna Grimes. Why keep the name Madonna, though? Does she want people to confuse with the much bigger and better legend of the same name? How embarrassing. Anyway, apparently she's the first person ever to realize that dancing and fitness could go hand-in-hand. The contestants talk about how awesome Madonna Grimes is and how they're burning calories and stuff. Seriously, I was kind of hoping that with fewer contestants left in the game we'd get to know more about them as individuals, but apparently it's all about the filler still.
Enough of this! Time to release the judges from their rhinestone egg. MJW explains the scoring rules again and says the hip-hop routines will go first and the order has been chosen "randomly." The tango goes second, and the last two contestants to dance will be the two with the least amount of weight loss for the week. So, Pinky and Mara, I'm guessing. Speaking of Mara, she's the first to hip-hop. She reminds us about her contentious relationship with Paul and that they're okay now, which I'm getting kind of sick of hearing about at this point. She thinks that Paul is helping her learn the tango and she's helping him with hip-hop. Don't get too full of yourself there, Mara. I'm pretty sure that Paul knows hip-hop a whole lot better than you do. And they're dancing to "Get Ur Freak On," which is a good start as far as I'm concerned. But they're wearing matching Ed Hardy-looking clothes for their costume, which is a bad start. For some reason these days, when I see Ed Hardy, I think of a negligent father of eight. It doesn't make me want to buy clothes, that's for sure. Paul and Mara have lots of bouncy moves, and Mara definitely got a bad case of dance face. Lisa dances arhythmically along as usual. I wonder if she has no rhythm or if the editors like to stick shots of her dancing off-beat to make her look that way. Mara ends her routine with an impressive split.
Mara goes to the judges, and Mayte opens with her usual "...girl!" before saying that Mara's dancing was music-video quality, which I'm sure is supposed to be a compliment, even though it's really not so much of one these days. ["Girl, your dancing should no longer be seen on television!" - Zach] She gives Mara a 9. We skip Lisa and head to Danny, who gives Mara an 8. And then back to Lisa with no explanation as to why she gets to speak last this time. She talks forever, saying that Mara has been on an incredible journey blah blah blah not about her dancing so who cares, and Mara gets a 9. Mara's 1st dance average is an impressive 8.7.
Pinky goes . She continues to lose small amounts of weight despite claiming to be putting all the necessary work in. This time, she says that she hasn't had much energy to push herself in the gym like she needs to, no doubt thanks to crazy nutritionist Meg's 951-calories-a-day diet. Pinky never learns, so she meets with Meg in the rotisserie chicken section of the supermarket. Why there? Does Meg moonlight as a butcher or something? Meg recommends that Pinky stuff her face with all of 1,000 calories a day. The camera man obviously disapproves of this advice, so he shoots Pinky entirely out of focus. But they use the shot anyway, because the people behind the scenes of this show apparently have no standards.
Pinky and Mr. Lucky are wearing matching sparkly red jumpsuits and dancing to "1, 2 Step." For all of Pinky's background in hip-hop, I'm not impressed here. She and Mr. Lucky aren't in sync, and there's nothing super-impressive in their act as far as I can tell. When it comes to the judges, Lisa speaks first. What is the point of having a judge's panel and an order that they always speak in if one week you're going to change that order up completely for no reason?? What the hell? Both Lisa and her real lips enjoyed Pinky's routine but ding her for not using more of the floor. She gets an 8. Danny says that Pinky forgot some of her steps, probably because she was focused on the tango portion of the night (or perhaps because Nutritionist Meg isn't giving her enough calories to sustain normal brain function), but he gives her a freaking 9 anyway. Mayte says Pinky didn't let her mistake throw her off too much, so she gets an 8. That gives her a 1st dance average of 8.3, which I don't understand at all. People have gotten much lower scores for routines with no mistakes in them. Do the judges just really love Pinky or something?
Back from break, is that the dancers whose contestant partners have been sent home I see sitting in the front row? It is! They must have been desperate to fill seats this week. MJW calls Shayla up , and Shayla says that she has a real connection with her partner, Mario. The judges noticed it last week, and her fellow contestants needle her about it in the kitchen. Shayla just shrugs, and it's hard to tell what she's thinking when her face is hidden behind those gigantic sunglasses she's wearing indoors at night. Perhaps to cover up the little heart shapes that appear in her eyes whenever Mario's name comes up? Shayla says that Mario is from the same area she is and has become a mental and emotional stabilizer for her. Huh, sounds like it could be an interesting development, so let's immediately stop that in its tracks and talk about Shayla's routines instead. She and Mario are ready for some powerful hip-hop moves. They're dancing to "Temperature," and I swear that Shayla always gets the best costumes. Every week! MJW should demand that whoever dresses Shayla dresses her instead. Shayla and Mario dance well both together and apart and they end with Mario lifting Shayla up in a move that looks like it could break his back. Danny speaks up before MJW even gets to say anything (awesome!), complimenting her use of the floor and ability to do a good routine in any style of dance. He gives her a 9. Lisa likes seeing both the powerful and sexy sides of Shayla come out in one routine and gives them each a 5 for a total of 10. Shayla is so shocked that she looks like she's imitating Fred Sanford having a heart attack. She does that a lot and it's getting on my nerves. Surely getting really good scores and losing weight week after week can't still be that surprising, can it? Stop crying, Shayla. Mayte blathers on about connection and sexiness before giving Shayla another 10. That's a 9.7 total average for Shayla, which is pretty damn good. But not so good we need to bawl all over the stage about it, Shayla. Geez.
Goodness, I'm in a bad mood. But I realize why: it's time for my dose of Vicodin! Ahhhh, that feels much better. And just in time, too, because Alicia is up . She pats herself on the back for improving so much last week and tells her partner that this is the lowest she's weighed since 8th grade. Yikes. 220- something pounds in 8th grade? Although I was all of 4' 1" in 8th grade myself, so I guess my concept of a 220-pound 8th grader is much different than someone else's. Alicia says she never saw herself as anything other than a fat girl, which is probably her problem all along: she never saw herself as anything other than fat, so she never tried to be anything other than fat. Then again, that's easy for me to say and much harder for her to do. Alicia checks her stomach out in the mirror and thinks she sees the beginnings of a 6-pack. Don't push it, Alicia.
Alicia and Italo and dancing to "Closer." Oof -- someone put drama dance moves in the choreography. Alicia loves them, but they look cheesy as hell. The judges do not look at all impressed. Alicia and Italo end the dance in an embrace to try to steal Shayla and Mario's connection thunder from last week. Mayte claims to like the dance, the concept, and the moves, but says Alicia was "off-beat" sometimes. She gives her an 8. Lisa likes Alicia's "look" this week, but this show isn't called Costume Your Ass Off so who cares? Lisa says some of Alicia's steps were "wasted" but then gives her an 8 anyway. Danny says that Alicia is not a natural hip-hop dancer like some of the other contestants, but she has "personality" so he gives her an 8. Huh? What's up with the uniformly high scores this week? Just because we're later in the season doesn't mean everyone has to get an 8 minimum. Alicia's 1st dance average is an 8.
Ruben is the last hip-hopper to go. He reminds us that last week, he failed in his effort to win a call home to his sick boyfriend, but now he has his eyes on the prize. His partner Hilary interviews that it's amazing to have him as a partner. As a dance partner, sure. But as a life partner? Try getting cancer and see where Ruben is then. Ruben claims that he has to "learn how to dance again" through Hilary, like he didn't already know it. That said, he's used to ballet dancing, so hip-hop is an unwelcome change for him. He says he might have some "white boy movements" but he'll do his best. Wait, "white boy?" Is Ruben white? I honestly have no idea. Anyway, he's dancing to "Right Now (Na Na Na)." His costume includes a backwards golf cap with a pirate skull on it, which is tragic. They've also put an "R" on the back of his vest, like Ruben always gets the monogrammed costumes, doesn't he? What's with that? Anyway, he looks too graceful at some times and too slow and deliberate and uncomfortable at others, so I'm sure he'll get a bunch of 8s or 10s.
Lisa calls the dance a "pleasure to watch" and compliments Ruben and Hilary's synchronicity. She gives Ruben a 9. Mayte knows how it feels to be a classically trained dancer forced to do hip-hop and gives him an 8. Danny, please! Some logic and reason here! Surely you weren't impressed with this dance? He calls it safe and says it didn't wow him, so he'd better bring in the big guns for his tango. Then he gives Ruben an 8 anyway, so whatever. Ruben gets a way-too-high 1st dance average of 8.3.
MJW, her giant hair, and her left-arm-on-hip pose say it's time to tango! First up is ... Alicia! Well, we all knew it wasn't going to be Pinky. Alicia is very proud of her #1 spot last week, to the extent that she's kind of ripe for a boot down to the bottom. Pride goeth before the fall, Alicia. She says she's ready to win because she wants it, unlike the rest of the contestants who are apparently here against their will. Alicia and Italo are dancing to "Maneater." But it's not the Hall and Oates version, so who cares? It's also not at all conducive to this style of dance. I think Alicia's footwork is terrible, but I can't tell at this camera angle. She does have good flexibility and keeps her legs and arms nice and straight. "Oooh, I like the way you got up from that!" MJW says nonsensically. The judges make slightly more sense, with Mayte saying that Alicia's moves weren't sharp or precise enough. She gives her a 6. Ah, here come the shitty scores. Those hip-hop 8s and 10s were just gimmes. Tango is where the claws come out. "It was good, it was good!" Mayte says of Alicia's dance as the audience boos. Mayte, either give her a 6 and stand up for yourself in the face of the angry crowd or give, her an 8 and say it was a good job. But you can't do both. Lisa says Alicia didn't have the proper dance posture, but gives her an 8 anyway. Danny continues to like Alicia's attitude during her dances if not her actual dancing ability, and gives her an 8. Her 2nd average is a 7.3 for an overall dance average of 7.7. And now, finally, she gets to step on the scale! She lost 6.4 pounds -- wow! That's 2.8 percent for a final total all things added up score of 10.50.
up is Ruben. He says Shayla is his biggest competition because she has the same drive to win that he does. But I thought Alicia had the drive to win and was the biggest competition and stuff? Or was that only in her own mind? Ruben says there are a few "sleepers" in the competition as well, and names everyone else who's left. "Everyone here has a chance of winning," he concludes. Thanks, Ruben. He's dancing to "Buttons (Remix)." Is that a real song or are they making up names now or what? How did I become so unhip? I think it's when I stopped listening to the radio because every time I turned it on it was an ad for some used car lot. Ruben's dance has plenty of head snap moves that the judges will surely like, but it looks like Hilary is the one doing most of the big moves here. Mayte thinks that's a good thing, though, praising Ruben on the way he "led" Hilary and his footwork. She gives him a 10. Lisa makes sure to compliment herself first, saying she thought this would be a good dance for Ruben and she was right. She gives him a 10, too. I love how Hilary is almost happier than Ruben is. Danny loved it all and gives Ruben a 10. Ruben gets the first perfect score of the series, what a shocker. His two-dance average is a 9.2, and he lost 6.4 pounds for a percentage of 2.4 and an overall total of 11.60.
Pinky is the to go, which means Shayla and Mara are in the bottom two and Pinky is not! How did this happen?? Pinky says Shayla is her biggest competition because she apparently forgot Ruben existed. She and Mr. Lucky are dancing to "Hot N Cold." Is that a Rihanna song? Aren't these all Rihanna songs? It's hard to tell. Like every other song, this one does not really go with a tango, and Pinky is obviously not totally comfortable with the moves until they get to the chorus and there's some bouncy fast moves for her. The crowd loves it, but Mayte starts off by saying that she could see where Pinky was struggling at parts. She enjoyed it overall, though, and gives Pinky a 7. Lisa didn't think there was enough "technical tango time" and gives her a 7 as well. Danny liked the "unconventional tango" moves but wanted to see more of the traditional stuff as well. And then he gives her a 9, so he clearly loved it. Or he just really likes Pinky. Anyway, that's a 2nd average of 7.7 and a total dance average of 8.0. She'll have to lose some serious weight to stay in the game, and she does! 6.4 pounds! Didn't Ruben get that, too? And Alicia? I think the scale is broken. Assuming that it isn't, she lost 3.7 percent of her body weight for a total of 11.70 -- 0.10 higher than Ruben! Ha! Take that, ringer!
Back from break, it's time for the bottom two. Mara will dance first. She says Alicia and Ruben are her biggest competitors here. Apparently, she thinks that "Shayla" is pronounced "Alicia." She's dancing to "Hey Sexy Lady." The dance features a rip-away skirt and Mara's cleavage. It looks like a fairly conventional tango after we're done with the prop work, and Mara tries hard to nail the intense tango face. There's nothing spectacular, though. Mayte claims to like the posture and the attitude, though, but she's said things like that and then given someone a "sexy 6," so who knows? Lisa liked the Pasa Doble and Flamenco elements of the dance, as well as Mara and Paul's partner work. Danny says that Mara's posture and arms have improved, but he noticed her sinking into her ribcage at times. That sounds painful. Mara steps on the scale. She lost 2.9 pounds for a percentage of 1.21. Hmmm... not good. We'll see if it's enough.
Shayla is last. She talks about how awesome she is and how she's been stepping up every week with new tricks and stunts. And then spraining her ankle, so maybe dial it back a bit with the stunts, hmm? Shayla and Mario are dancing to "Poker Face," but a really terrible Dance Your Ass Off back-up singers version of it. Shayla does a great job of showing off her long legs and keeping them nice and straight. Lisa appears to be in awe from the rhinestone egg. Shayla ends it with Mario holding her upside-down and her boobs somehow not falling out of her dress. Mayte says that Shayla embodied the tango for her. Lisa continues to make implications about Shayla and Mario's possible behind-the-scenes relationship and also loved it. Danny says Shayla has a "quiet confidence" that makes her performances even better. Looks like 3 tens for Shayla! She gets on the scale and is devastated to lose just 2.4 pounds, although that's still 1.31 percent of her body weight so it's not too too bad.
After the break, Mara, Shayla, and Alicia are lined up to find out who is going home. MJW rubs it in that Alicia was on the top of the board just last week, only to be in danger of going home this week. "This just shows you that both your dance scores and your weight loss are important when it comes to staying in the competition," she says snottily. Okay, first of all? It's freaking week 7, so I think they get that by now. Second of all? Alicia had good dancing and good weight loss this week. It's not her fault that Mayte gave her a 6 out of nowhere. The other two judges gave her 8s. Anyway, time for Shayla's scores. Since we're reading them first, she is in no danger of going home. Mayte gave her a 9. Lisa gave her a crappy 8. WTF? I thought she loved the dance. And Danny gave her a 10. That's right, Danny. That gives Shayla a 2nd average of 9.0 and an overall dance score of 9.4 for a final total all averages accounted for score of 10.71 -- just beating Alicia's 10.50.
Mara will need an overall dance score of at least 9.3. Wait, is that for the second dance score, or is that the average of the 1st and 2nd scores or what? So confusing. Mayte gave Mara a 10, so she's on her way. Oh, but Lisa gave her an 8, so now Danny will have to give her a 10 for her to stay in the game. Danny reminds us all that weight loss is important on this show, except that it's more like having the judges in a good mood more than anything else. He gives Mara an 8, which means she's out with an overall total complete score of 9.91. MJW says she's sorry with no sincerity as we hear Alicia sound like she's laughing her ass off. But she isn't laughing at all. She's crying, and loudly, too, of course. Mara is going home, but it's All About Alicia! MJW kicks Alicia off the stage and asks Mara if she has anything to say after losing 26 pounds in 7 weeks (not that great, actually, but keep it going, Mara! You're beautiful!), and Mara says good-bye to her "other Charlie's Angels." Then they cut her off before she could mention anything they'd have to pay for the rights to. MJW kicks her out, and didn't she get nominated for a Tony or something? How is she so freaking bad at looking like she gives even half a shit for these people? If Lisa can do it, why not MJW? She's terrible!
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