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Well, wow. I'll be the first to admit that I was wrong. I was wrong about Ellen, I was wrong about Patty. I was not wrong about Mr. Cheeseburger and I guessed about Tom. What about you, smartypants? Did you do better? Head to the forums and dish.
I really don't know where to start in this supersized episode. So I'll start with… Frobisher. He makes a gratuitous appearance to let us all know his life is back on track and he's out of the cult. He may still be doing yoga though. Storyline one: tied up.
Wes meets up with Cheeseburger and announces that he is not going to kill Ellen. I know, I know, you're all disappointed. Cheeseburger takes matters into his own hands and heads to Ellen's hotel room to silence her, permanently. But Wes is prepared for this and out draws Cheeseburger, who with a gun to his head, agrees to get out. Now that's the Seth Bullock we all know and love. Now will you please grow your moustache back? Cheeseburger is not done with Ellen though. He puts on his best Officer Friendly face and goes to her office with the news that there is a leak in the police department and she better keep quiet and never call the police about her fiancé's murder. Ellen is suspicious enough to check out Cheeseburger with her PI, but he appears to come out clean. When Ellen receives files from Uncle Pete's widow (Magda!) that seemingly implicate Patty, she gets Cheeseburger to agree to meet her. She doesn't tell Wes, so it is a big surprise when Cheeseburger gets in the car to meet Ellen and Wes shoots him in the head. Gross? Yes. Deserved? Yes. Cheeseburger finally gets his comeuppance and goes to the Burger Heaven in the sky.
Daniel Purcell is sitting in jail and he is happy there. When Patty comes to ask him to continue helping in the case against UNR, he says no. He wants to take full responsibility for what he did and not be a part of the Kendrick case anymore.
Jill and Michael come into Patty's apt. Patty asks Jill if she wants a drink and while Mike is upstairs. He's going to change and he finds out that his mom emptied his room because he told her he does not want to go to college and Patty decided that he couldn't live off her anymore either. Patty tells Michael and Jill that she sent all of Mike's stuff to Jill's since she wanted him anyway.
Kendrick and his new legal team can not believe that the judge is even willing to consider letting the stolen SUV and the GPS codes into evidence. But Patty knows she has the judge in her pocket and, in the wake of Tom's firing, agrees to let Ellen do the drop off of the bribe. But before she let's Ellen's bribe virginity go, she has another plan: Finn Garrity. Patty gives him a one-shot get out of jail free card if he agrees to testify against Kendrick and Dave Pell. Garrity panics and goes to Dave Pell and Kendrick and demands an ownership stake in UNR for all his trouble. As if, douchebag. Kendrick's smacked bigger heads than yours into urinals for less. But instead of hitting Garrity, Kendrick hits his hooker, which is really below the belt. At that Garrity has a change of heart and begs Patty to let him testify. She says it is too late. She has a new plan.
What new plan? Well, Patty went to meet Dave Pell (at church, which is good for an evil man's soul) she told him about the market manipulation in front of God. Dave Pell barely blinks, because he knows about the planned bribery of the judge and thinks they can be help each other out. Ever the smart cookie, Patty guesses that Ellen is an informant, a fact Dave confirms. He agrees to call off the Feds if Patty will simply forget everything she knows about UNR and market manipulation. Patty is not quite satisfied with settling for amnesia. She still wants Kendrick. Dave is okay with throwing the old white dude under the bus. Dave will get her the evidence she needs about Aricite. Patty wants to set up Ellen for bribing a judge and they agree to the deal. Patty receives all the information she needs on a fancy little jump-drive and Dave Pell calls off Agent Glenn.
Patty calls Ellen to hand off the money for bribing the judge. Ellen jumps into action. She has convinced Tom that if he gets her a gun she will get the FBI off his back and he agrees. She picks it up before meeting with the FBI. Ellen tells Agent Glenn that she knows it is a dirty investigation, but she's past the caring stage. Agent Glenn agrees and tells Ellen that if she gets Patty to go through with the bribe, she can do whatever she wants to Patty. Um, nice. So Patty is in the elevator going to meet Ellen and that is when Finn Garrity jumps in the elevator. What I didn't mention before is that when Patty turns him down for testifying, the cokehead greasy-haired douchebag STABS PATTY. Sorry for shouting, but geez! For some reason, Patty is determined to go through the meeting with Ellen hands her the briefcase with the money for the judge. Unfortunately for Patty's ER aspirations, Ellen wants to talk. Patty plays clueless and Ellen makes a drink. Ellen pulls out the gun and waves it around and pulls out the files from Uncle Pete's wife. Patty is definitely concerned when she opens the file and it has a piece of paper in it written, "The Feds are watching us." The FBI guy seems nervous and then Ellen shoots the gun twice and the FBI guy runs out of the van. Ellen only shot the camera though and tells Patty that she is an informant for the Feds. Ellen tells Patty that Patty is not so nice, and that what Ellen really wants to hear is that Patty tried to have her killed. Patty admits it. Ellen thanks, picks up the gun, says they are going to have to find another way to win the case since everyone knows the judge is going to be bribed. Patty tells Ellen to give the briefcase to the judge anyway and Ellen doesn't get why, but agrees to give the judge the money. Wes, who has wisely taken the room across from Ellen, sees Ellen leave out the peephole, but can't stop her before she gets in the elevator. Luckily he is able to help Patty get to the hospital.
When Ellen hands the judge the bribe, the FBI arrests her. As she is being lead out in handcuffs, a US Marshall tells the dirty Agent Glenn to step away from the prisoner. Then the US Attorney's office arrests Agent Glenn! And who is behind the US Attorney? Tom. Ellen seems very surprised. Really Ellen? You fell for the fake firing twice? Anyway, Agent Glenn is in an interrogation room listening to the tape Patty made when she met Dave in the church. Agent Glenn identifies Dave Pell's voice and Lester is off to jail. With the information Dave Pell gave Patty on Kendrick, Walter is picked up for his crimes against humanity, too. Tom confirms to Ellen, who is gaping and slack jawed at the events unfolding around her, that Patty figured it all out. She told Tom and Tom told his sister, the Assistant US Attorney. And there we are. Loose ends tied up. I for one am speechless. I'm sure I'll have more thoughts for the full recap, but for now? Wow.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's the Season Finale! That magical time of year when loose ends and plot arcs are delivered neatly tied up with shiny paper and satin ribbon. It's like Christmas, but with guns.
Ellen with her smoky eyeshadow and perfect hair takes a swig of Scotch or Irish whiskey and looks down her nose at Patty who is sweating and wide eyed in what looks an awful lot like terror. Not because of fear of getting upstaged by her pretty little co-star, but because Ellen has a gun and pint glass of liquor and that is usually a bad combination. Except, you know, at Christmas. Then, in a scene we've seen peppered throughout all thirteen episodes of this season, Ellen says to Patty, it looks like you're not going to tell the truth, takes another swig, admits that she lied too, points the gun and fires off two bullets. The scene then rewinds, (complete with old school tape rewind noise! Where'd they get that, the National Archives?) until we see Patty standing at Ellen's hotel room door, and Ellen asking her to come in. Something tells me we're going to see more of that later.
Patty and Kendrick are in what looks like a pre-trial conference with the two sides arguing in front of the judge around a table. In a sad reminder that she fired Tom, Patty sits all alone on her half of the conference table facing Kendrick and his new lawyer who is far less attractive and talented than Claire Maddox. Despite Kendrick's assurance that his new counsel is up to speed on the intricacies of the case, no one believes him. The notClaire guy quickly tells the judge that Patty's motion is saddled with ethical problems, because the only way she could have procured the evidence she is seeking to enter would be from the SUV she stole. Hmm, looks like the new guy catches on pretty quickly actually. Patty snorts, "That's ludicrous." And, no offense Glenn, but you totally looked like my grandma when you said that. But no worries 'cause my grandma is foxy. Patty doesn't bother defending herself any more than calling the grand theft auto charge malarkey and announces that she is going to prove that UNR and Kendrick used insider information to make millions off the energy market. NotClaire points out that Patty would not have any evidence to submit without the illegally procured secret code. The judge cuts off further argument and dismisses them so he can read their briefs, which are not underwear. As the parties leave, the judge pulls Patty aside and reminds her that so far he is inclined to side with the defense. That undercurrent of meaning you're sensing? That's legalese for "Pay me off!" Luckily, Patty speaks fluent judge and understands exactly what he means.
Ellen enters Patty's office and Patty hands her a folder with information that the judge needs to make his ruling. Ellen realizes it is the SUV code and reminds Patty that it is inadmissible. Instead of bitchsmacking Ellen for being annoying, Patty stares at her quietly (she's probably counting to ten) and Ellen asks if Patty made arrangements to pay off the judge. When Patty still doesn't answer Ellen asks why she fired Tom. Patty finally answers, but just to say that she would prefer not to talk about it. Ellen sallies forth with her line of questioning, wanting to know what Patty is going to do and when she is going to do it. Patty has given up counting and moved on to deep breathing, but she can't help but blurt, "Who says I'm going to do anything?" Which is a good question, and an especially good one when you know you are under federal investigation and you can't trust anyone. When Ellen pushes her that she has no alternative, Patty reminds her that the alternative is to believe in the law and the Anglo-American system of justice. Ellen snorts and walks out, but Patty stops her at the door and tells her to find out the judge's terms. Oh Patty, just when I thought you were being all smart and suspicious. How disappointing.
Mr. Cheeseburger is waiting on a bench for Wes to come and give him news of Ellen's demise. Wes reports that Ellen is alive and well and he is not going to kill her. Cheeseburger is disappointed in him. Wes tells him that he doesn't care what he is going to do to him, he is out. Cheeseburger stares at Wes's back as he walks away. I agree, Cheeseburger, it is fun to watch him walk away. Cheeseburger looks like someone punched him in the gut. He's such a bully! It's fun to see someone stand up to him.
Against his better judgment, Tom goes to meet Ellen in a café. She tries to act like she didn't just set him up in an FBI dragnet, but her attempts at friendliness are cut off when he bluntly asks her what she wants. Ellen condescendingly tells him that she's sorry, but he is better off being away from Patty when it all goes down. Tom rolls his eyes and totally takes her to the mat for being incredibly egotistical, joining Patty's inner circle for "god knows why" after only six months (thank you, that is what I have been saying all season), and all Ellen had to do was be loyal. Ellen scoffs at Tom's idea that this is about loyalty, but Tom won't listen to her. Patty is no saint, but she works hard for the cases she cares about, people no one else cares about. Tom doesn't understand why Ellen is doing this and Ellen strangely doesn't seize her big opportunity to tell Tom that Patty tried to have her killed. That would explain her deviousness and intense desire to hurt Patty and would probably get Tom on her side. But does she do it? No. Tom gets up to leave and Ellen snootily reminds him not to do anything stupid like tip Patty off, because the FBI could still use everything they have against him. Tom shakes his fist at her and shouts, "You whippersnapper! It wasn't illegal. Unethical, yes, but nothing the Feds care about!" Well, the Tom of my dreams does anyway. This Tom just walks away.
In a scene we saw earlier in the season, Ellen walks home alone and Cheeseburger watches from his car. He follows her up on the elevator, gets out on her floor and uses a hotel key card to let himself in. Ellen is in the shower and when she hears a noise shouts, "Wes, is that you?" Cheeseburger puts a big ass silencer on his gun and walks purposefully towards the bathroom. Ellen shouts for Wes again and then...he answers. Wes shoves a gun right up against Cheeseburger's head and says, "Yeah, it's me." Cheeseburger hands Wes his gun and Wes tells him to stay away from Ellen. Cheeseburger says there is a warrant out for his arrest, but Wes doesn't respond to that, he just tells Cheeseburger to get out and don't come back. Cheeseburger glumly reminds Wes that he can't protect her everywhere. Really, he looked glum. Like he was giving Eeyore a run for his money. Poor Cheeseburger, Wes is ruining all his fun today.
Patty settles in to a chair across from Daniel Purcell in the jail's visiting cell. She takes a breath and seems to steel herself before stating, "So you really did it." It's not a question and Purcell doesn't answer, but sort of blinks twice like he's in a coma and can only respond in eyelid morse code. Actually, William Hurt has been so stone-faced and frozen in his portrayal of Daniel Purcell and while I'm not going to say he was bad, because come on, it's William Hurt how bad can it be to, say, Rose Byrne, but I will say that if he was in a coma, and was re-animated via dopamine or some other Oliver Sacks type concoction, that would explain a few things. Patty knows Purcell can't help her with Aricite because of the whole lying on the stand thing, but she asks for his assistance in her case against UNR. He knows how they work and what they are capable of. And, yes, she is aware that he is in jail. Unfortunately for Patty, Daniel has had a jailhouse conversion to the Church of Dr. Phil and tells her that in order to find peace he has to take full responsibility for what he did, even if UNR helped cover it up. He tells her to stop focusing on her work and to devote herself to her family. Patty stares at him with eyes open wide, nodding slowly, like she is just placating the crazy man until she can get away, back to her happy place a.k.a. her office. Purcell misinterprets her look and softens a bit and commiserates with Patty. He knows that it must be like looking in a mirror for Patty, seeing him all in jail and stuff. The only difference between them is that he's confessed for his crimes. Patty keeps exactly the same look of placation on her face and starts walking slowly backwards from the crazy man. She gets to the door and Purcell asks her to tell Michael that he doesn't have to be like them. Does he mean Michael doesn't have to be civil? Or clean? Patty looks a little sad that she had a child with Mr. Crazypants over there and all his holistic family first pop psychology. She flees the visiting room and Daniel's eyes look really sad.
Ellen sits to the judge as he dictates the terms of Patty's gift. He tells Ellen that this isn't for his personal use, but for his re-election campaign. He wants to make sure that the right kind of judges stay on the bench. Which was probably the funniest line of the entire season. He tells Ellen the usual amount will suffice. Ellen smiles the fake smile she saves for special occasions. Upon her return to the office, Ellen passes on the news to Patty and Patty reports that Purcell has flown over the cuckoo's nest and will not be of use to them. When Ellen tells Patty that the judge wants the usual amount, Patty rolls her eyes and rubs her forehead, desperately wishing she had a back stock of Calgon to take her away. She tells Ellen that there is something about this that doesn't feel right. Ellen pretends this bribe is the perfectest solution ever and pushes Patty to give the judge the bribe because they are out of options. At that, Patty realizes there is an option. It's a long shot by the name of Finn Garrity. Cut to the cokehead douche bag trader doing a line of coke and cutting it up with his extra special coke knife and blaring his fawking awful club music. His Highness is interrupted by a knock on the door. He opens it a crack and glares at Patty. She is pretty sure he is going to want to talk to her about the illegal energy trades he made for Walter Kendrick and Dave Pell. He lets her in. She lets him have an earful about the misdeeds and malfeasance of UNR and the illegal trades he conducted that injured thousands of people in West Virginia and Christine Purcell. If I was Patty, I'm not sure I would be trying to appeal to douchebag's moral side as it is undoubtedly buried under four pounds of hair grease and a kilo of coke. Garrity pretends he has no idea what she is talking about, but Patty doesn't care. She tells Garrity that she's had one hell of a shitty month (she said it, not me!) and someone is going to pay. It might as well be him. So he'd better (shower and) get ready to testify about the GPS codes used to order the trades. He'd better do it, because he is working with her enemies and that is the last stupid mistake he'll ever make. As he protests, Patty ignores his blithering denials and tells him to ask around about who she is and what side he wants to be on. He has this one chance and that's it. Garrity opens the apartment door and tells her he'll take his chances. Patty smiles graciously as she tells him he is making a big mistake. I know he is supposed to be all greasy and coked out and gross and I should applaud him for really getting into his character, but, man, he's just gross.
Ellen walks into her office and, oh god, do you remember that god awful wallpaper from the conference room that I made such a fuss about before because it was so fucking ugly that I kept thinking of Oscar Wilde's last words which were "one of us has to go, me or the wallpaper" but I couldn't go because of my responsibility to recap this show, remember? The one with the bloody Grecian theme? Well it's spreading like a malignant tumor of ugly and they have wallpapered the foyer with it. God. By the time we come back season the entire office, nay, the whole building will be covered in that temple and column red wash street art wallpaper. Good fucking god, hire a new set designer. Anyway. So Ellen walks into the foyer and is stopped by...Cheeseburger. He's wearing a black trench coat and a tie and looks almost professional. He takes out his badge and introduces himself as Detective Rick Messner, NYPD. Oh sure, now make his name all obvious and stuff. When she tells him that he looks familiar, he reminds her that he met her when he was working a string of murders last year and her fiance's murder fit the pattern. She flashes back to the scene where Cheeseburger invited himself along with the detectives re-working the crime scene after Ellen was released in order to steal the last piece of evidence that could link him to the dastardly deed. He asks to speak to her privately. She takes him into her office and he shows her a file filled with pictures and clippings of the cop that he killed when Katie identified him whose name is apparently Officer Tolkien. Which is sort of sad for old J.R.R. Cheeseburger tells Ellen that he thinks this cop was involved in her fiance's murder. Ellen looks surprised. Cheeseburger goes on that he isn't there in an official capacity, but to warn her that if this cop was involved, there is a good chance there is a leak somewhere in the police department. He wants to help solve the case, but he needs her to keep their conversation quiet. Accusing a cop of corruption can be a dangerous business. Cheeseburger manages to say that with a straight face, but only barely. Ellen stares at him wide eyed. It's hard to tell if she is putting all the pieces together or is just stunned at this odd conversation. Cheeseburger gets up to go and she thanks him sincerely for the information. It has taken me all season to figure out why Cheeseburger is SO creepy, but after careful examination of the footage I have it: He doesn't move the top two-thirds of his face. Seriously. His mouth moves when he talks, but he doesn't blink, he doesn't raise an eyebrow, he doesn't furrow anything. I would think he had Botoxed the top half of his head, but judging from his hair, I can't imagine he cares enough. It's creepy. Now I'm going to watch that T-Mobile commercial he is in really closely to see if this is a Cheeseburger-specific creepy character trait, or whether this guy has some debilitating facial nerve ailment that I should probably not be mocking.
Ellen has been around these conniving decepticons long enough to know that if a cop waltzes into your office and tells you to keep your mouth shut he is probably up to no good. Luckily she has her well-coiffed private investigator to, er, investigate him. At a meeting at a diner, Ellen and Katie (who has woefully managed to avoid assassination) get the low down on Cheeseburger. By the way, I just realized who this guy is. And with a little IMDB action I can report that the guy playing the honey-haired PI is Kevin Kilner. A man who has quite the resume, having done turns on pretty much every major network television drama you can name. We're talking Judging Amy to Murder She Wrote to Medical Investigation to Knot's Landing to One Tree Hill to Cashmere Mafia to Dollhouse. I'm sure he's thrilled to be employed so regularly on so many different shows, but why is he only in a few episodes and then never seen again? I mean he's a good enough actor to get cast, but then he quickly gets moved to another project. Did he give Steven Spielberg herpes or something? Anyway, he is here now and he tells Ellen that Cheeseburger checks out. He's been on the force for twenty years and has commendations and is a stand up guy. Ellen's glad that he can be trusted. She gives the PI the file on the cop who Cheeseburger shot in a commendable and stand up way. Katie once again swears that was the cop who was following her and the PI keeps the file. To take with him to the set of Ugly Betty or wherever he is headed .
Frobisher (Frobisher?!) calls his ex-wife to gush about his new building. He is animated about the many green aspects of the building. He also tells her that he is excited for meeting up with her and the kids and is just so darn excited about the future. Um...was there a point to this scene? I mean other than the obvious PSA about "going green."
Patty is reading the paper in the morning when Michael (a.k.a. Dickhead) comes downstairs. She tells him that she read his college essay and found a stack of unopened college applications. Dickhead calmly nods that he is not going to college. When Patty barks, "Why not?" he takes a bite of his apple and tells her that he did it for her. He's not going to college because she needs a man in her life and there is no one left. Patty stares icily at him as he walks out of the room. The strength in that woman to not just up and strangle that kid! And, while I'm sure the actor playing young Dickhead is a perfectly charming and well-mannered young man, this character he is portraying makes me want to pop his head like a pimple.
Kendrick stares out the window. He has a very nice view of the Manhattan and Brooklyn Bridges. Which I guess puts his office in the Financial District. Dave Pell sits in his chair and tells Kendrick to chillax because as soon as Patty bribes the judge the FBI will be there to take her down. Kendrick perks up at that news and chuckles as Dave Pell explains that there is an informant inside Patty's firm working with the FBI. Oh, Ellen, you've become a joke for Pell and Kendrick. Is that really what you wanted? Kendrick smiles that it's always a pleasure doing business with him. Just then Finn Garrity barges into the room and starts bad-mouthing everyone and pissing off Kendrick and Pell and blathering about Patty's visit. He claims he agreed to the codes and the trades, but he didn't know about the rest of the shenanigans. If he is risking serious jail time he wants more for his work: he wants an ownership stake in UNR or he makes a deal with Patty. He stares at them and then marches out the door. Pell and Kendrick debate how best to kill him. Not out loud, but it's easy to read their thoughts.
Uncle Pete's widow is going through a closet in her house and stumbles on Uncle Pete's secret files. Why keep files? Just to keep your dastardly deeds organized? Do they make Trapper Keepers with file tabs like "murder," "arson," and "blackmail"? That would be handy. At the office, Patty is going through the boxes that Stephania sent over when Ellen stops by. She's in a good mood and plays nice with Patty and gets handed a stack of photos for her trouble. Unfortunately for Patty one of the photos is a picture of Uncle Pete with the guy he hired to kill Ellen. Ellen recognizes him, flashes back to the attempted murder, but manages to not hyperventilate long enough to ask Patty who he is. Patty squints at the picture, but doesn't recognize the guy. Later, Ellen and Wes are in bed in her hotel room and Ellen tells him that Patty is going to bribe a judge and the FBI's investigation will be over. As Wes tries to convince her that Patty going to jail is a good thing, Ellen asks Wes if he still has the number for the guy who doesn't get hung up on gun permits. Wes agrees to give her the number if she promises not to kill anybody.
Patty has her shoes off, her feet up, and a glass of wine. And she deserves it. Michael brings home his elderly girlfriend Jill a.k.a. Mary Kay. He's just home to get changed and then they are heading to dinner. Mary Kay is attempting to make small talk when Dickhead screams from upstairs. He barrels down the stairs and demands to know why Patty cleared all his stuff out of his room. Patty takes off her glasses and smiles that it's fine if he doesn't want to go to college, but he doesn't live there anymore. She sent all his stuff to Jill's. She turns her beatific smile on Mary Kay, who looks like she swallowed a frog. Patty tells Michael that when she's ready to have a man around the house she'll go out and find a real one. Bwah hahahahaha! That was, like, the best scene ever. Everyone got what they deserved and I am extremely hopeful that I never have to write about Dickhead or his creepy aged girlfriend ever again.
Patty is sound asleep when she's awakened by the sound of laughter. She goes downstairs and finds a party of Phil smoking cigars and laughing. He has Uncle Pete, Michael, Ray Fiske, Tom, and Walter Kendrick with him. Walter turns to stare at her and says, "I thought we took care of this bitch!" And then they all start laughing. Patty turns and sees Ellen in her kitchen. Ellen calls her over and Patty demands to know who invited them all to her house. Ellen reminds her that she, Patty, did, and there is no point in kicking them out because someone will always be there. They all hate her and she has to remember to trust no one. Patty wakes up on the couch with a start. She picks up the phone and dials...Ellen. No, Patty! Trust no one! Patty sits on the couch with Ellen and tells her that Michael is gone because he refused to go to college. Ellen doesn't really know what to say to that so instead she asks Patty what is really bothering her. Patty goes through the rundown of men who have disappointed her. The only one who was always loyal was Uncle Pete. She glances at Ellen, and adds her to the loyal list. Ellen corrects her that she's not loyal to her, but to the cause, which is kind of a mean thing to say when someone is feeling as low as Patty. Patty shrugs that is all she can expect. She tells Ellen that she really wishes she didn't have to go through with this whole bribing the judge thing. Ellen craftily makes the case that if Patty doesn't bribe him (and fall into the FBI's trap) then Dave Pell and Walter Kendrick and everyone get off scot-free and no one in West Virginia gets a puppy or clean well water. Well Ellen, when you put it that way. Patty sighs and sends Ellen home to get a good night's sleep. This time tomorrow it will all be done. I really hope Patty has something up her sleeve.
Ellen gets into the car with FBI Agent Glenn and announces that they are on; since Finn Garrity won't testify, the only way they can win the case is to bribe the judge. Ellen opens the door and Agent Glenn stops her to say congratulations. This whole entrapment is because of Ellen's hard work. You know what, Agent Glenn? You are right. It is all because of Ellen. And maybe you should recognize that you pretty much suck as a Fed and your partner and friend died working this case and you completely ceded control of the entire investigation to a twentysomething lawyer with a stone face and no experience while you sat there twiddling your trigger finger. Maybe, Agent Glenn, maybe you should consider another line of work. Just sayin'.
Patty sits in church, but she is definitely not praying. When she needs a man in her life she'll find a real one thank you. Dave Pell settles into the seat in front of her (like it will totally allay suspicion if he is sitting one row in front of her in an otherwise empty church) and asks why she wanted to meet with him. She tells him flat out that she knows he is manipulating the energy market and she doesn't think he can trust Douchebag Finn Garrity to keep his mouth shut. Dave Pell is a professional. He doesn't blink or even take a Twix-inspired pause, but instead just tells her he knows she is about to bribe a judge. Patty needs a moment after that revelation and seems to hold her breath as Dave Pell considers that this meeting might be mutually beneficial. Patty has composed herself and announces that he is behind the FBI's investigation. Okay, I know Dave Pell is a power broker, but what exactly is that and how do I become one? And why does he get to boss around the FBI? Dave takes a moment to stare at Jesus and Patty pieces together that she has an informant in her firm. She says it is Ellen and Dave confirms that Ellen has been working with the FBI for six months. Patty asks how the Feds flipped her beloved Ellen and Dave snorts that it was his understanding that like a waffle Ellen didn't need much flipping at all. Patty absorbs the information while Dave tells her that he can call off the Feds for infinity if she can manage to forget everything she knows about the energy markets, the brown outs, and the merger. Patty processes some more and then says she wants Walter Kendrick. Dave assures her that if that is what it takes to get her to back off, he is happy to deliver Kendrick. Patty wants the intel on UNR's knowledge that Aricite was toxic and Pell promises to deliver it. Patty agrees, but, oh yeah, one more thing: Can he arrest Ellen for bribing the judge? Because she is totally acting on her own and she should go to jail. Oh shit, you guys, Ellen is going down! Also, these two together are fucking frightening.
Uncle Pete's widow, Stephania (a.k.a. Magda), calls Ellen and asks for a meeting. Ellen goes to meet her in the hallway of her hotel? Not quite sure of the locale here. Anyway, Stephania found a file with Ellen's name on it in Pete's closet. Ellen opens the file and finds pictures of Patty's doorman and handwritten notes saying "Make sure this guy is on duty." She remembers the guy from when she almost got killed. She asks Stephania if Uncle Pete explained the pictures and Stephania laughs, 'cause who explains pre-meditation to their beloved ailing wife? Look honey, here's the doorman I bribed, here's the guy I hired, here's the get-away car. Like stop asking stupid questions. Stephania swears that if Pete did anything bad it was for Patty, because everything he did was for Patty, and now he's dead. Um, right. Stephania is not so much with the gumdrops and lollipops. Later, Ellen shows the file to Wes. It's evidence that Patty tried to have her killed, and while it wouldn't mean much to the police, she could use it to get Patty to confess. Any attempt by Wes to talk her out of that line of reasoning is cut short by a phone call. It's Cheeseburger. He claims he has new information for her and he would like to discuss it somewhere in private. Ellen agrees to try and make time to meet him later that afternoon. When Wes asks who it was on the phone, Ellen won't tell him. I hope she gets shot for hurting Wes's feelings. How can she deny him anything? She doesn't feel like explaining it and tells him he can't be around there today. He throws up his hands in defense and gets up to leave. To leave Ellen to her doom!
Agent Glenn is in his van getting ready to record the bribing of a judge when his phone rings. It is Dave Pell. Dave instructs him to destroy all records of the Patty Hewes investigation. Then, as soon as the judge is paid off, he is to arrest Ellen Parsons. Agent Glenn doesn't blink, he just says, "Copy that." Agent Glenn is either so depressed over his partner's murder that he can't be bothered to care about anything or he is so fucking scared of Dave Pell and his murder squad that he will just blithely take orders. Sheesh.
Patty calls Ellen to check where she is and to let her know that she feels good about this bribe thing. Ellen does too! Three cheers for American justice! After they hang up, Patty stares at her briefcase full of cash and takes a moment to process it all. Back in the hotel room, Agent Glenn shows Ellen where the camera will be and reminds her that she needs to get Patty on tape authorizing the bribe. Is Agent Glenn trying to out maneuver Dave Pell by getting Patty on tape? Or is he just playing along in the fake investigation and lying to Ellen's face? Ellen tells Agent Glenn that she knows this whole investigation is corrupt (oh really?), but she doesn't care (that's more like it), because they both want the same thing (lemon meringue pie and Patty in jail?). She has a small favor to ask: She's going to get Patty on tape, as promised, but once that is done, can she pretty please get Patty to also admit to trying to kill her? Agent Glenn shrugs that Ellen can do whatever she wants because the whole investigation is going in the incinerator in, like, half an hour. So whatevs.Cut to the scene where Tom is being held in the lobby by an armed security guard. Tom is trying to strong arm his way into seeing Patty so he can warn her about Ellen, but the guard (and his gun) are on strict orders to not let him in. The guard (and his gun) successfully convince him to back off, but they can't stop Tom from shouting that he is filing a suit for wrongful termination (a suit he would win, by the way) and instructs the guard to tell Patty that he tried to warn her.
Ellen calls Wes and tells him she needs him to go pick up her gun. Wes shuts her down. She doesn't need a gun. She hangs up on him. She calls Tom. Tom and I are equally incredulous about this turn of events. Why would Ellen call him? Why would he help her? She begs Tom to do this for her and she will get the Feds off his back for good. Tom can't believe she is asking for help and can't believe she expects him to trust her. Ellen begs some more and Tom looks like he is wavering. Oh who are we kidding we've all seen the clips of Tom swiping a gun and handing it off to Ellen in a car. We just had no idea how to connect the dots.
Ooh Finn Garrity's hooker with a heart of gold (and good hair) is polishing her nails when there is a knock on her door. She thinks it is Finn, but it's Walter Kendrick and boy is he in a bad mood. Like head in the urinal bad. He demands to know where Finn is and she denies his existence. Kendrick smacks her hard and grabs her by the face and tells her to deliver a message.
Ellen calls Cheeseburger and sets up a time to meet him. He gets in his car and sees Wes in his rear view mirror. He has just long enough to mutter the s-word and then Wes pops him in the head. Mayor McCheese finally caught up to that rotten Cheeseburger. There's no hiding from McDonaldland-style justice.Patty sits in her car and is joined by some white guy in a suit. He hands her a jumpdrive with what he claims is all the Aricite documentation she wanted. Compliments of Dave Pell. The white guy gets out of the car and Patty heads off.
In the hooker's hotel room, Finn Garrity is comforting his Pretty Woman. She tells him that Walter Kendrick was the one who roughed her up. Garrity curses, does some blow, and curses some more. She explains that Kendrick did it as a warning to keep his mouth shut. Garrity promises to nail that son of a bitch and walks out leaving blondie to apply ice to her own owies.
Wes knocks on Ellen's hotel room door and she is irritated when she opens it and reminds him that he can't be there right now. He apologizes, takes a deep breath, and then sighs. He claims he just wanted to see her. You know, the girl he just killed a cop for. He wanted to see that girl. He doesn't say anything, but kisses her roughly. She tries to shove him off, but who can resist Timothy Olyphant? They end up in bed and when Tom calls, Ellen jumps out of bed and tells Wes that he can't be there when she gets back. He asks who was on the phone, but Ellen tells him to leave it. I know she doesn't know that Wes just saved her from an execution-style death, but come on, Boney McBones, he just saved your life! Play nice. Ellen gets a gun, carefully wrapped in a dishtowel, from Tom. Ellen thanks him, but Tom flatly tells her that he wants the Feds off his back. He hopes she knows what she is doing. Upstairs, Wes is booking the hotel room directly across from Ellen's. I love this guardian angel side of him. It's like Seth Bullock, sadly without the moustache and silver badge.
Oh my gosh you guys! There's only half an hour left and almost nothing is resolved. Well, except Cheeseburger. He's pretty well resolved. Patty arrives at Ellen's hotel and the front desk sends her upstairs. Ellen readies the room for her interrogation and entrapment session. Music is involved. Scratch that, the right music is involved. Wouldn't that screw up the FBIs microphones? As Patty is headed upstairs, an arm stops the elevator doors from shutting. It's Finn Garrity's greasy arm. He steps into the elevator with an unpleasantly surprised Patty Hewes. Garrity explains that Walter Kendrick came to see him and threatened to kill him. After that he is ready to testify. Patty isn't interested. She gave him a chance and was very clear that he wouldn't get another opportunity. Um, Patty. I know you have a big plan in motion, but why give him the brush off? Oh right. Your promise to Dave Pell. Okay then, proceed. Finn Garrity fidgets and twitches and tries to convince Patty to let him testify against Kendrick and UNR, but Patty won't budge. Upstairs, Ellen pulls out her newly acquired gun and hides it in a bag. There's a knock on the door and Ellen opens it, revealing a very uptight looking Patty. She looks so odd that even Ellen who looks like she is fixing to kill her has to stop and ask if she's okay. Patty swears she is fine and Ellen invites her in. Ellen asks if that is the money for the judge and Patty says yes. Ellen sits down and says that before she goes to meet with the judge she and Patty have some unfinished business to attend to. Ellen flashes back to the grisly attempt on her life. Patty reminds her that they don't have much time, but Ellen leans forward and insinuates that Patty knows exactly what she is talking about. Patty flashes to Uncle Pete telling her "it's done." Ellen stops to get herself a drink, rudely not asking Patty if she needs one, which clearly she does. Ellen talks in strange one liners about how Patty shouldn't be scared, she should be terrified, she knows what this is about, it would just be easier if she said the words. Patty makes no motion that she has any idea what Ellen is talking about. She just sits stone-faced and glassy eyed like she just wants Ellen to get done with it already. Ellen claims all she wants is Patty to tell the truth, but since that is hard for Patty, she brought a gun to speed things along. Patty shakes her head and looks decidedly more teary eyed and tells Ellen not to, it's not who she is. Ellen shrugs that she's right, the gun isn't even loaded. Agent Glenn watches the proceedings from his surveillance van. Ellen continues drinking and one lone tear makes its way down Patty's cheek. Ellen hands Patty the file from Uncle Pete's Trapper Keeper. She opens it and stares in wide-eyed horror at Ellen and then back at the file where Ellen has written a note, that says, "The Feds are watching us." Agent Glenn watches from the van as Ellen veers off script cursing that she is going to screw it up. Ellen pulls out a gun, points it at Patty and says her line, "It's okay, I lied too." She fires off two quick shots and Agent Glenn throws down his headphones and jumps out of the van. But Patty is fine. Ellen shot out the surveillance camera. Wow, her marksmanship really has improved. Ellen tells a much-relieved Patty that she is an informant for the FBI. Patty denies any knowledge of that. Ellen explains that in working with Patty she has come to realize that Patty is corrupt, narcissistic, and cruel. Patty agrees that she can be. Nothing like a gun to the head to inspire self-awareness. Ellen continues that she also now realizes that the rest of the world is too and she doesn't want Patty in jail. But! Now that the microphones are off and the camera is toast, Ellen wants to know the truth. She throws the gun to the side and tells Patty that she knows she tried to kill her during the Frobisher case. Patty says she was afraid and didn't trust Ellen and Ellen knew too much about her. So she told Pete...she struggles to get out the words. She takes a deep breath. There are tears streaming down her face, but when she speaks, she is calm. She told Pete to have Ellen killed. Ellen thanks her, sincerely even. She then gets up, picks up the gun and stands over Patty as if trying to decide what to do. Patty closes her eyes and tells Patty to do it. Ellen reconsiders and tells Patty that she will just have to live with it. Ellen sits back down and tells Patty that the Feds are waiting for Patty to bribe the judge so they will have to figure out another way to win the case. Oh, so back to business then? Guess you have to keep racking up those billable hours. Ah the life of a lawyer. Patty gasps that Ellen has to give the briefcase to the judge. Ellen looks confused. Patty tells her that she just has to trust her. Ellen looks sideways at Patty and then picks up the briefcase and leaves. Wes watches her go through the peephole in his hotel room. Which is kind of creepy. Except that it's Wes, so it's cute. Wes rushes to the elevator to catch Ellen, but the elevator doors shut on him. He takes the stairs. In the lobby, Ellen sees someone suspicious looking and takes the back exit.
Patty stumbles out of Ellen's hotel room, lifts her hand to wipe her face, and, oh shit!, covers herself in blood and then collapses into the elevator. While obviously this is not a complete surprise, it's totally a surprise! What the hell happened? Did I overstate Ellen's crack shot? Patty flashes back to her meeting with Finn Garrity in the elevator. He is fervently telling her that he is ready to testify. He can help her. She is telling him sternly that she doesn't need his help with the case. He glowers at her, hits the button for the floor, and STABS HER! With his coke knife, you guys! Gross, that thing has totally been in his nose! Patty gasps and tentatively touches her stomach and still manages to look surprised that her hand is covered in blood. She stares in amazement and shakes her head in disbelief. Back to the present, turns out Patty had a totally different reason to look all shocked and teary eyed during her meeting with Ellen. She wasn't so moved by Ellen's declarations, she was just bleeding to death. That puts a different spin on things for sure. Patty is slumped in the elevator door in the hallway looking for all the world like she is in shock. She looks up from her bloody hand when she is startled by the sound of Ray Fiske's voice. She looks up to see him standing there telling her that there are things far worse than death. He tells her to face her fear and find the truth that is waiting for her. She pulls herself together, uses her trenchcoat to hide the stab wound, and marches down the hallway and knocks on Ellen's door. Wow. Glenn Close did an amazing job looking deeply injured, in shock, but ready to tell the truth. The tears, the pained expressions. All of it was amazingly acted. So now it is after the meeting, Ellen has left, Patty has found her truth, and is now slumped once again against the elevator door, but the situation is far more dire. She is covered in mascara and blood and barely manages to stumble into the elevator. It is a haunting mirror of how Ellen fled her apartment covered in blood last season, but, you know, done better because it is Glenn Close, who can act, instead of Rose Byrne, who can't.
Eleven minutes left! Agent Glenn runs into the hotel and starts frantically pushing the Up button on the elevator. Wes, meanwhile, is still running down the stairs looking for Ellen. Agent Glenn finds Patty gasping for breath in the elevator. He calls someone who tells him just to get to the courthouse pronto. Agent Glenn warns the (obvious ass) on the phone that if he leaves Patty there, she is going to die. The voice says it is not his problem. Agent Glenn, having no spine or free will, runs off leaving Patty to die. Luckily, our hero Wes stumbles on Patty and rushes her to the hospital. Meanwhile, Ellen is meeting with the judge and slides the briefcase full of cash across the table to him. In the hospital, Patty, whose entire face is covered in blood (kind of like the cover of Phil Collins' "No Jacket Required"), asks Wes who he is. He tells her not to talk. Back at the courthouse, the judge checks the contents of the briefcase and announces that the UNR codes will be allowed into evidence. Ellen gets up to leave, but Agent Glenn and a team of Feds nab her and the judge and take them both into custody for bribery. Ellen is shocked and confused to see Agent Glenn and accuses him of working for Patty. As Agent Glenn marches her down the hallway, a man steps around the corner, pulls out a badge, and orders him to step away from the prisoner. He protests that she is in his custody and a woman smiles that now he is in their custody. Let me introduce Cynthia Shays, Assistant US Attorney. The woman steps to the side and reveals Tom standing behind his sister with a half grin on his face. Ellen stands staring slack jawed at Tom and asks what is going on. Good question, my dear.
In an interrogation room, Cynthia Shays plays Agent Glenn a recording that Patty made of her meeting with Dave Pell. Oh shit, she was wired! I love her. Agent Glenn listens closely and identifies Dave Pell. Cynthia asks him how he knows Dave Pell. Agent Glenn doesn't answer and she leans forward and reminds him that they know the entire investigation was corrupt. Behind the one-way mirror, Tom and Ellen watch the proceedings. Ellen realizes that Patty set the whole thing up and Tom confirms that once Patty realized what was going on, she reached out to him. He told his sister and now the US Attorney's office knows everything. Cynthia Shays tells Agent Glenn that Dave Pell is going to jail. Cut to Dave Pell being arrested and pulled out of his office. Cut back to Cynthia telling Agent Glenn that he can go to jail too, but Agent Glenn wants to cut a deal. Tom shows Ellen the fancy jumpdrive that Patty got from Dave Pell. It has all the evidence they need to arrest Walter Kendrick. Cut to Walter Kendrick getting thrown against a car and handcuffed. Ellen thanks Tom. Why is Ellen forgiven? Even if Patty managed to bring down UNR and gut the FBI of a corrupt investigator, Ellen was still acting as an informant. Why is she all BFF with Tom again? Eh. It's a pretty good finale, otherwise.
One month later. Patty is at her beach house when Tom comes to visit her. He asks how she is doing. Patty explains that her doctor told her to put her mind in neutral. She and Tom both giggle over the likelihood of that happening. Tom reports that the EPA has begun cleaning up the Aricite contamination of West Virginia. Patty smiles. Tom asks her if she's had any word from Ellen. She checked out of the hotel weeks ago. He's tried to call, but her phone's been cut off and all his emails bounce back. Cut to Ellen. She's sitting at David's grave talking about her new-found resolution. Cut back to Tom and Patty and Tom asking Patty what she said to Ellen in that hotel room. Cut back to Ellen telling David that she is just so glad that it's all over. She met someone and she thinks he would like him. (Yeah, I'm sure David would be wild about you meeting someone. Especially someone who was actually hired to kill you, even pointed the gun at your head, but backed down at the last minute. I'm sure David would just love that guy.) Back to Patty telling Tom that she is going to stay out there for a while, but she wants to know when Ellen calls. Tom doesn't think she's going to call. Ellen tells David that she got a job offer and she thinks she is going to take it. But Patty assures him that Ellen will be back. Tom leaves, Ellen gets up, Patty starts walking. Ellen walks. Patty walks. The End. See you season!