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Things pick up where they left off last week, with Rebecca sobbing to Christopher about the mystery email. She pins it on her brother Tommy and says she never knew the full extent of the trickery involved. Nobody believes her, even when Tommy, trying to salvage their con, takes all the blame. Just when everyone's trying to recover from this little revelation, J.R. pops up to say, "Hi, I own Southfork now!" Bobby learns that Marta and the Del Sol Conservancy deal were both fakes. J.R., of course, has left himself a nice, clean path in this minefield of crap. He explains his part of the deal by saying he'd heard Cliff Barnes was going to buy Southfork for some nefarious purpose, so he swooped in and bought it instead. Why, he's darned near a hero!
Bobby doesn't believe him, but he's not left with much recourse. His new lawyers (Mitch Lobell has fled town) say there's nothing he can do unless they can prove J.R. was part of the trickery, or at least knew about it. When John Ross learns his daddy cut him out of the deal, his first instinct is to rat him out, but J.R. convinces him nothing has really changed. Just because John Ross's name isn't on the deed doesn't mean he won't inherit Southfork one day. In the meantime, J.R. leaves town for some mysterious reason and leaves John Ross in charge of the newly begun drilling operation.
Christopher decides he wants to fight fire with fire — or dirt with dirt. He sneaks into John Ross's condo and finds the homemade sex tape Marta left behind. Remember when she drugged John Ross and secretly recorded their roll in the hay? It's pretty tame, considering the lengths she went to. The only naughty thing about it is that John Ross calls her by her real name while in the throes of ecstasy, which sort of implicates him in the shady deal. Christopher doesn't want to hurt Elena, since she sort of believes John Ross to be a decent fellow, so he doesn't expose the recording outright. Instead, he sort of threatens John Ross with it. He's not very convincing at fighting dirty. Stay tuned for the full weecap and a potentially far more interesting plot involving Ann and her creepy-hot ex-husband.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Rebecca's still in the middle of telling Christopher about the mystery email that ruined his and Elena's relationship. She prefaces her confession with declarations of love, but finally admits that it was her brother Tommy who sent the email. Rebecca claims she only knew where Christopher would be on the not-so-fateful day they first met. I can't tell if Julie Gonzalo is terrible in this scene or if Rebecca is supposed to come across like she's lying about it all. It seems painfully rehearsed, but is it the actress or the character? Christopher storms off into the opening credits.
He's worked up a full head of steam by the time he charges out into the middle of the barbecue and starts punching Tommy in the face. The fight could stand to go on for a while, but Bobby pulls Christopher off Tommy. The whole ugly mess comes out in front of the shocked guests. Tommy tries to take the blame for the whole thing, but nobody really cares. Bobby has a ranch hand drag him off the property. Christopher storms up to his bedroom to pack up his clothes, then ends up storming off the ranch without his suitcase. He does a lot of storming around in this episode. Elena, having witnessed the whole thing, apologizes to John Ross for not believing him. "I shouldn't have accused you of sending that email," she says. "I just need to know you're not going to chase after him," he says. This guy continues to act like such a neglected little puppy that I expect Sarah McLachlan's "In the Arms of an Angel" to start playing at any moment. Elena swears she and Christopher are through, what with him treating her like an expensive hooker with his $20,000 check. They hug and look sad. May they find some comfort there.
The morning, Bobby and Ann have coffee and worry about Christopher. Bobby's pissed at both of the Sutter siblings, but Ann seems madder at Tommy than at Rebecca. As if they didn't have enough to worry about, a courier shows up to give them the papers proving that J.R. now owns Southfork. Wasn't this whole thing supposed to take a month? Maybe time passes quicker in Dallas than it does for the rest of the world. Anyway, Bobby charges into J.R.'s room all in a tizzy. J.R.'s explanation is that he found out Marta was planning on selling Southfork to Cliff Barnes. He thought it was odd, but figured that was the deal Bobby made. "When I heard that vulture Barnes was trying to steal Southfork, get his hands on the ranch and all the oil my boy found under it, I got a group of investors together and swooped in, and bought it from Del Sol." Ann and Bobby stare at him because they can't believe the wheelbarrow of crap he's pushing. J.R. promises to start drilling right away. "Ewing Oil is back in business!" J.R. ever so generously offers to allow Bobby to continue living at the ranch, positively glowing as Bobby stews in impotent rage. Ann says she'd been warned about J.R., "But never in my wildest imagination did I think you could stoop to this." J.R.: "Well, Annie, you're just gonna have to work on your imagination." Hee! Seriously, though. It's like these people keep forgetting who they're dealing with.
Christopher shows up just in time to get the quick recap about what happened and heads off to see Mitch Lobell with his father. Elena hears the whole thing, too, including Ann's suspicions that John Ross is involved.
Bobby and Christopher find Lobell's office abandoned and realize he was part of the scam, so they head on over to some other lawyers. The new lawyers have gone over all of the papers and give some crap explanation that could only make sense on TV. Basically, it boils down to this: Even though the sale of Southfork to the Del Sol Conservancy was a fraud, and Marta Del Sol was a fake and currently wanted by the police, somehow the sale from the fake conservancy to J.R. is still considered legitimate. The only way the sale can be undone is if they prove J.R. was involved with -- or at least knew about -- the scheme. Bobby should consider that these lawyers are also in on the scheme, because this whole thing is dumb.
Rebecca calls Christopher, but he doesn't answer his cell. Brother Tommy comes in toting boxes of files he took from the ranch and calls Rebecca the dumb one for screwing up their scam. If he's really the one behind that ridiculously traceable email, he hardly has room to talk. When Rebecca tries to walk away from their conversation, he grabs her wrist. "I put two years into this. I plan on coming out a millionaire." I wish they'd cast this guy as John Ross. He manages to sound threatening without sounding like he's about to stamp his feet and run off for a cry. Also, I hope Tommy and Rebecca aren't really supposed to be brother and sister, because they have better chemistry than any of the other young couples on the show.
Elena drops by John Ross's fancy apartment to drop the bomb on him that his daddy now owns Southfork. John Ross is utterly confused, seeing as how he was supposed to be in on the deal, but pleads his innocence to Elena. She doesn't believe him, but she'll come around. Everyone who's not a total black hat on this show seems to be profoundly gullible. After she wafts away in an air of disappointment, John Ross calls his daddy but only gets his voicemail.
When Bobby and Christopher return to Southfork, Ryland tanker trucks are already rolling onto the property. What the hell? They only have that one little test well so far. Bobby stews and tries to blow up the trucks with his mind, but it doesn't work. They go looking for J.R., but get the news from Ann that he left an hour ago. They fill her in on all the legal shenanigans. Christopher wants to start fighting dirty, but he makes his plea as if he's talking the other guys on the football team into stealing a rival's mascot. He just sounds like a little kid who's utterly out of his league. Bobby tries to assure him that they can beat J.R. fair and square, but Christopher just pouts and storms off.
John Ross confronts Marta about her deal with J.R. She boohoos about how John Ross lied to her and shows him the photograph where he's hugging on Elena. "I warned you not to toy with me," she pouts. Why is everyone in the younger set so whiny and pouty? They sound like petulant brats. J.R. threatens to expose her to the cops, but she points out that he'll lose any future claim on Southfork if he ruins his father. After he leaves, she reminisces about their ill-fated relationship by having black-and-white flashbacks to the night they slept together. She watches the illicit recording she made of their romp. The little bit we see is disappointingly tame. Considering she felt she had to roofie him beforehand, you'd think she was pegging him with a rhino horn or something.
John Ross heads home, but finds Bum waiting there to take him to see J.R. This happens at a Cowboys game and includes a cameo from owner Jerry Jones for a whiff of verisimilitude. J.R. assures his boy that nothing has really changed. Southfork will be his one day, providing either God or the Devil ever decides they want J.R. He says he's leaving Dallas for a little while (nooo!) and leaving John Ross in charge as a test. "I don't need to be tested," John Ross snits. "I was ready to do this all by myself!" J.R. smirks. "Well, now if that were true, then you wouldn't have the deal stolen out from under you." They make nice for the JumboTron and wave to cheering fans. Later, when J.R. leaves on his mysterious trip, he departs from a helicopter in the oddly empty parking lot.
Rebecca calls Ann and begs for a meeting so she can explain herself. She cries and sobs without tears like she's Tamra Barney. Too sympathetic for her own good, Ann agrees.
Christopher bribes/tips the doorman at John Ross's building into letting him inside. What he doesn't see is Marta leaving just before he gets there. Christopher noses around the ridiculously tidy apartment and finds a DVD on the bed, accompanied by a note from Marta. "I'm sorry for cutting you out of the deal," it says. "Here's something to remember how good we were." She even signs it with her fake name. Christopher plays it back right there in the apartment, where he could be discovered at any moment instead of sneaking back out with it to watch at his leisure. He watches just long enough to see John Ross calling his cohort by her real name, which is Veronica.
John Ross finds Bobby at Southfork, unpacking all his things. "Don't come in here and be smart with me," Bobby says. No worries there. John Ross starts off making nice, but then ends up pinning the blame on Bobby. If he had just let them drill on the land, J.R. wouldn't have had to make a play for Southfork. Then he threatens to kick Bobby off the ranch if he gets in his way. Bobby seethes and makes a mental note to get steel toes put on his boots before jamming them up John Ross's ass.
Ann and Rebecca meet for coffee. Rebecca says she wishes she'd met Christopher under different circumstances and Ann's all, "You're young, you made mistakes." First, girlfriend is, what, 30? Second, I don't think you can chalk up tricking someone into marrying you as a "youthful mistake." Ann hints that she too made mistakes that she's had to move on from. Rebecca convinces Ann that she's afraid of what her brother will do to her. Ann softens and encourages her to prove to Christopher she's worth another chance.
John Ross seeks out Elena and tells her about J.R. leaving him in charge, all alone. "I never wanted to do it alone," he says. "I wanted to do it with you." He all but gets on his knees to beg her to give him a chance -- professionally and personally -- but she can't give him an answer.
Bobby blames himself for everything going south. Ann assures him it's not his fault, but seriously, Maybe do a little research before handing your family's property over to people you don't know. Even half in a coma, J.R. knew to do a little digging into the Del Sol thing. Bobby frets about finding a way to at least slow down the pumping. Ann looks troubled.
Christopher drinks and ponders the unsexy DVD. Once he's good and drunk, he stumbles on over to Elena's place to apologize, even though he should be heading over to Bobby and/or the authorities with the evidence. He's too drunk to even remain upright, so Elena lets him crash on her couch for the night. It's not a sign of forgiveness. "It was the decent thing to do," she says. "You could learn a thing about decency, Christopher." Nice lecture from someone who secretly drilled on a family friend's land. He tries again to apologize, but she blasts him for targeting her insecurities and holds up John Ross as someone who wouldn't do the same. Except for that time he tried to get her to spy on Christopher by reminding her the Ewings only think of her as the cook's daughter. But whatever. "He has never, ever made me feel bad," she says, "the way you made me feel the other day." Christopher reaches into his pocket for the DVD, then changes his mind and leaves.
The morning, Ann goes to see her ex-husband, Harris Ryland, who just happens to be the owner of the tankers currently sitting on Southfork. He is played to creepy perfection by Mitch Pileggi, once deemed by my grandmother to have the best tush on TV. He asks Ann for a hug, but she looks like she's about to vomit at the very thought. He should ask my grandma for a hug. Off her clear disgust, he dismisses his request. Ann asks Harris to cancel his contract with J.R. He should do as she asks just because she looks so fabulous in her leggings and boots, but he draws things out a bit. He drops hints about Ann's dark past, which somehow includes a fear of high heels. Seriously. He says she used to be afraid of high heels. Ann starts to walk away in disgust, but he calls her back, saying he'll call back the tankers. "But it's gonna cost you a hug," he says, holding out his arms.
Elena visits John Ross in his office near the drilling site. She admits she thinks Bobby is wrong, but says she can't be part of drilling on Southfork. "I can't be in the middle of that war." She says she understands why John Ross is doing what he's doing. "But promise me you had nothing to do with stealing Southfork," she says. "Promise me you're the man I think you are." He looks her square in the eyes and lies to her. She rewards him (and us!) by tearing off his shirt.
Later, Christopher confronts John Ross with the DVD. He threatens to show it to the police, implicating John Ross in fraud and conspiracy, unless John Ross helps him expose J.R. John Ross looks mildly worried. Is he worried about going to jail or did he forget to buy milk on the way home? Guess we'll find out week.
Tippi Blevins is patiently awaiting a reboot of the TV classic about her own hometown -- Houston Knights. Email her at b_tippi@yahoo.com, or find her on Twitter at @TippiB.
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