In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Everybody's trying to blackmail everybody else. If that doesn't say "family entertainment," then I don't know what does. First, J.R. confronts John Ross about the fake Del Sol deal. J.R. lets his son know in his own subtle (and awesomely scary) way that he is not to be screwed with and the two of them end up deciding to work together. They pay Mitch Lobell a little more money to keep the deal from Bobby, while also trying to dig up the dirt that will keep Lobell at bay. At the same time, Bobby decides not to sell Southfork after all, so J.R. and son step up their game. This involves digging up Miss Ellie's old diary and threatening to expose her secrets to the world. Keep in mind that although J.R. and John Ross are both guilty, it's only John Ross who's naïve enough to get his hands publicly dirty.
Bobby decides (again) to sell Southfork to keep his family from feuding over it. Christopher is angry as hell until his father reveals he has cancer. Hurt and confused, Christopher flings himself into Elena's arms for a kiss, whereupon Tommy takes pictures and sends them to Rebecca. This is all part of an attempt to get his sister to spy on her new husband, but Rebecca actually seems to have fallen in love with Christopher for real. On the business side of things, Christopher and Elena find a way to make his methane project work and Cliff Barnes breezes back into town to invest in it. Christopher turns him down flat, but Cliff doesn't seem discouraged.
In the end, John Ross's private detective doesn't find anything useful on Lobell, but he was able to somehow (possibly with magic) find out who really sent that triangle-busting email to Elena. It was -- get ready for it -- Rebecca! Before she ever even met Christopher! It's actually kind of boring, but the show seems to think it's pretty exciting. Stay tuned for the full weecap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!J.R. takes John Ross to some kind of... manly spa thing. I've never seen anything like it. It's all wood-paneled and stuffy, with barber stations and a big pool table in the middle that seems rather ill-placed. They get nice, relaxing hot shaves and then J.R. dismisses the barbers and finishes up John Ross's shave himself. He tells a story about his father that ends with, "I loved my daddy, and I respected my daddy. But most importantly, I feared my daddy." With a straight razor poised at Junior's throat, J.R. reveals that he knows all about the fakery with the fake Marta. He is one scary old bastard. John Ross spends the opening credits trying not to pee in his pants. Finally, J.R. lets up and apologizes for not being around when John Ross was growing up. He asks John Ross to give him a chance to teach him all about the oil business. John Ross hesitates, but soon he's all puppy eyes and hugs. They talk about Mitch Lobell, who's threatening to screw up their whole deal. Lobell's weak spot. J.R. says, is his son, who killed someone years ago. Lobell paid off the one witness to the crime. "The drilling industry runs on two things: Drilling mud, and information. Go find that witness for me, partner." John Ross looks like a puppy that's finally been given a long-awaited belly rub.
Southfork. Ann and her new daughter-in-law bond over rifle practice. It's all happy times until Rebecca's brother Tommy shows up. Ann conveniently has to leave the scene, so the siblings can have some privacy while discussing their nefarious plans for Southfork. Tommy seems way more nefarious than Rebecca, though. She makes excuses for not knowing about Christopher's work, so Tommy gives her a flash drive that will upload some spyware onto Christopher's computer. He can tell she's not into it. "He's been spending a lot of time with Elena, working on a fix for his patent," he says. "Sad those two lovebirds couldn't make it work." Rebecca scowls. "He found somebody better." Tommy whips out a pistol and shoots a bunch of targets. I think this is supposed to make him seem like a villain, but TV and movies have taught me that villains usually have terrible aim.
J.R. and John Ross meet with the people who are actually behind the fake Del Sol deal. One of them is a guy named Vicente Cano. He's flanked by two big, silent types. Marta's there, too, and since they keep calling her Marta, so will I. J.R. and Vicente all but unzip their pants to see who has the biggest huevos. Vicente: "If that oil should happen to stop flowing to us for any reason -- equipment breakdown, if you should become incapacitated -- that would be unacceptable." J.R.: "The best way to understand a man is to talk to his friends and his enemies. My friends are in the state souse; my enemies are gonna be harder to find." They glare at each other for a bit, and then break out the insincere smiles. They shake on a deal and Marta downs a few pills. It's a prescription for foreshadowing.
Meanwhile, Bobby and Ann visit with the doctor to discuss the course of treatment now that they've removed the tumor. Bobby doesn't mind taking drugs as long as he doesn't lose his precious mane. The doctor warns him about possible side effects such as dying from liver damage and/or dying from heart damage. Ann is pretty devastated, but Bobby is more optimistic. He no longer feels like he won't be around to run Southfork and promises to call Lobell and stop the deal.
This doesn't sit well with J.R. and John Ross when they get the news. They get one of J.R.'s fellow nursing home residents to call Bobby and pretend to be J.R.'s doctor. (They buy off the old coot by promising him a date with a hot blond.) The "doctor" says that J.R.'s recovery would be greatly helped if he were to move back into Southfork. Bobby experiences his first heart attack. When he relays the conversation to Ann, she says it might be fun having J.R. around. "Oh, yeah, it'll be great having a rattlesnake in the house," Bobby grumps.
Elena and Christopher come up with a way to extract methane from the seabed that doesn't cause tsunamis. Excited, they grab each other in a hug that goes on a little too long. Rebecca, with impeccable timing, chooses that exact moment to call Elena and invite her to lunch.
J.R. shows up at Southfork with bags and John Ross in tow. Wow, that didn't take long. He immediately senses something is wrong and shuffles into Bobby's office to find his brother chatting with Cliff Barnes. "Remember me?" Cliff asks. "Time has not been kind to that face," J.R. says, "but I do recall the smell of brimstone and crazy." Ha! Cliff was there trying and failing to get Bobby to sell Southfork to him. As Cliff goes to leave, J.R. calls after him. "I'll be there when they put you in the ground, Barnes! Listen close! I'll be the one dancing on the dirt overhead." Ha, again! J.R. turns to Bobby and asks why Cliff was trying to buy Southfork. Bobby tells him the conservancy deal is off. J.R. acts surprised and upset. "You think it's coincidental Cliff Barnes shows up in Dallas just when Southfork is for sale? If that land is in play, he'll destroy everything in its path to get it!" Did J.R. let Cliff know about the failed deal, in the hopes of spurring Bobby to complete the conservancy sale?
Now it's lunchtime, where Rebecca tells Elena how intimidated she is, because Elena is so smart and beautiful. Rebecca says she also has Elena's history with Christopher to contend with. "I want us to be friends because then you won't feel like a threat," Rebecca says. "Also, just listening to the way Christopher talks about you made me realize I'd be lucky to be your friend." I really hope this is just the conwoman side of Rebecca coming out. We're only three episodes into the season and the hard sell on Elena is already getting annoying. They talk about Christopher's childhood and how Pam, the only mother he'd ever known, just disappeared one day. After he found out he was adopted, he felt like he had to prove to everyone he could earn the Ewing name.
Rebecca returns home to find Christopher working on his methane project without much luck. Before he can set their whole apartment on fire, a guy shows up at their door. He works for Cliff Barnes and his boss wants to have them over for dinner. Christopher is suspicious of his uncle's request but goes along with it. Once they get over to the hotel where Cliff, for some reason, is renting the whole top floor, they find out that Cliff wants to invest in his project. Christopher turns him down flat, on account of all the bad history between Cliff and the Ewings. Christopher turns to leave in a huff when Cliff calls after him. "You're never gonna be one of them. Don't let them destroy you like they did Pam." You don't want to end up hallucinating an entire TV season.
Ann walks into the stables the morning to find someone in a little storeroom therein, sorting through boxes of family memorabilia. What an odd and kind of insecure place to store important things. She grabs her rifle, but it's just J.R. "Bullets don't seem to have much effect on me, darlin'," he tells her and her gun. Hee! Crisis averted, they look over a photo album together. It seems that Bobby was Miss Ellie's chosen one while J.R. was Jock's. J.R. muses about all the years he wasted fighting with Bobby and tells Ann it's only right to sell Southfork.
Later, J.R. gives John Ross his mother's old diary. He says it's full of secrets that will help them get Southfork back. "You ready to get your hands dirty?" J.R. asks. John Ross is hesitant, but he's had a taste of those belly rubs and wants more. He sighs. "What do I have to do?"
Christopher can't sleep, so he heads over to his office to work on the methane project. Elena is already there, fast asleep on the couch. The morning, Rebecca is awakened by a phone call from Tommy. She frowns at the empty space to her in bed. Tommy fusses at her for not installing the spyware yet. Rebecca says she's never alone with Christopher's computer, which is a lie, because it's right there in front of her.
Meanwhile, J.R. is making breakfast for Bobby and Ann, much to their surprise. He disses the nursing home's food, even though he seemed fond of the fried chicken and Jell-O not too long ago. Is there anything this man won't lie about?! John Ross barges in, brandishing Miss Ellie's diary, which he then hands to Bobby. "You took that from my room!" J.R. huffs. John Ross says he read all about the time Miss Ellie spent in a mental institution. (It was after her husband died.) For some reason, Bobby gives the diary back to John Ross. He's sure there's nothing in there that could overturn her will, but he still shouldn't want it in that little weasel's mitts. John Ross threatens to expose Miss Ellie's every secret. J.R. grabs the diary. "You had your chance to claim Southfork," John Ross says to his daddy. "I ain't gonna fail like you did." J.R. slaps him across the face. John Ross looks stunned. Apparently they didn't rehearse this part. He stomps off. Bobby looks like his tumor just grew back.
Not long after, Christopher and Elena arrive at Southfork to tell Bobby that they've solved the mystery of the exploding methane. They find Ann in the kitchen, slowly chopping vegetables, which is the universal sign for female sadness. She tells them Bobby's in the study, signing the papers to sell Southfork. Christopher walks in there just in time to see Bobby handing over the papers to Mitch Lobell. "I'm doing what's best for everybody," Bobby says. "That's bullshit!" Christopher says. "You're selling because you don't think I can beat John Ross." Bobby denies it. Christopher pouts about how Bobby's still treating him like a little boy. "I'm a grown man!" he cries, all but stomping his feet like a baby. Finally, Bobby fills Christopher in about the whole cancer thing. Christopher is pissed and hurt because he feels like Bobby was shutting him out. He runs outside and breaks down crying in Elena's arms. Before long, they're kissing. Christopher is the first one to pull away, but not before Tommy has taken pictures of the whole thing with his phone. He sends the pics to his sis. She stares at them for a while, then stares at the flash drive.
John Ross is on his way to Mitch Lobell's office when his daddy calls to give him the good news. John Ross whoops at the sky in triumph, but the feeling doesn't last long. Lobell now wants even more money to keep quiet. John Ross and J.R. could both go to jail for fraud, Lobell reminds him. Instead of pointing out that Lobell could suffer the same, John Ross scowls and leaves in a huff.
Christopher tells Rebecca about his father's cancer. He also very nearly tells her about his momentary infidelity, but stops just short of mentioning the kiss. He just says something about how upset he was and how Elena was there to "help him through it." He lets his guilty expression fill in the blanks. He recommits himself to Rebecca, saying, "I love you, and I want you to know that every day for the rest of your life." Rebecca is relieved instead of pissed. They decide to live at Southfork until the sale is complete, to be closer to Bobby. They hug and kiss and Rebecca tosses the flash drive into a nearby trashcan.
That night, Ann tells Bobby about J.R. digging up Miss Ellie's diary from storage. She says he must have given it to John Ross. Why she didn't say this before Bobby signed the papers is a mystery. Bobby chuckles that it's just J.R. being J.R, but that's just what he shows Ann. When she can't see his face, he looks downright furious.
John Ross meets with his private investigator. Sadly, he doesn't have a Spanish non sequitur this time. He reports that the woman who witnessed the Lobell boy's hit-and-run is long dead. Frustrated. John Ross tells the man to keep looking for dirt on the senior Lobell. Seems like it'd be easier and possibly cheaper to just frame him for something, but I'm not a criminal mastermind. The investigator says he's found out who sent the mystery email to Elena. Just based on that piece of paper? This guy is good. "It was sent by someone named Rebecca Sutter," he says. The hamster wheel in John Ross's head turns. "That's Christopher's wife," he says. The wheel turns some more. His look of confusion carries us into the end credits.
Tippi Blevins is patiently awaiting a reboot of the TV classic about her own hometown -- Houston Knights. Email her at b_tippi@yahoo.com, or find her on Twitter.