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Christopher and Rebecca decide to postpone their honeymoon so they can stick around and talk Bobby out of selling Southfork. Bobby remains set on selling it to the Del Sol Conservancy, but Marta del Sol has plans of her own. While outwardly working with Bobby, she's secretly working with J.R. While she's secretly working with J.R., she's also extra secretly working with John Ross. Then it turns out she's extra-super-duper secretly working some other agenda behind all their backs. J.R. gets impatient when Marta's father, the head of the conservancy, doesn't return his calls. So he scoots on down to Mexico to talk to the man himself, only to find out that the woman he's been deal with isn't even the real Marta del Sol.
Before all this, though, J.R. makes his re-debut at the annual Cattle Baron's Ball. Bobby is surprised to learn J.R. isn't mad about selling Southfork. J.R. makes fake-nice with Bobby and his little brother buys it. J.R. also makes nice (for real, probably) with Sue Ellen, who continues to look like she just stepped out of a women's fitness magazine. Attendees at the ball encourage her to run for governor of our great state, laying out future plot lines of potential awesomeness.
Elena breaks up with John Ross over that whole email thing, but keeps him on as her business partner. This gets sticky when she also decides to work with Christopher on ways to drill for methane that aren't so murderously prone to earthquakes. Or something. Honestly, everything involving that little love triangle is kind of a snooze so far. Possibly more interesting is the revelation that Christopher's new bride and her brother are working some kind of long con on the Ewing family. Stay tuned for the full weecap.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on Dallas, it was two minutes ago. We pick up with Christopher and Rebecca after their wedding. They have sex with their underwear still on. Either they're very bad at this, or they're so good that not even multiple layers of cloth can get in their way. Elsewhere, Elena mopes over a printout of the mystery email and refuses to answer her phone when John Ross calls her. John Ross eventually gives up and then meets up with his daddy and Marta Del Sol in the nursing home dining room. J.R. wants to talk to Elena's father about the shady deal they're working, but the home won't let him make international calls from his room. "Now, what am I gonna do about that?" he asks. You go up to the nursing home administrator and you say, "I'm J.R. Goddamned Ewing and I want to make an international phone call!" Or you could just use a cell phone, but whatever.
Later, John Ross walks Marta out to her car and promises they'll celebrate like they did back in the old days. You know, with the sex and all. But for now, he wants to keep things strictly personal. Also, they have to keep J.R. from talking to Carlos Del Sol or their evil plans will be ruined. Then, despite John Ross's insistence on not mixing business with pleasure, they start making out in the parking lot. J.R. sees all of this from his window. He look of unsurprised amusement carries us into the opening credits.
The newlyweds wake up the day and realize they're about to miss their flight to Tahiti, but then decide not to go on their honeymoon just yet. They're going to stick around and try to talk Bobby out of selling Southfork.
Speaking of Bobby, he's in a lot of pain and clutching his side. It's a different side than he was clutching in the last episode. Ann sees him and follows him on horseback to a tree where all the family lovebirds have carved their names over the years. Ann tells Bobby about finding his medication and he tells her about his upcoming surgery. He doesn't want to tell Christopher about it, though, because it'll ruin his honeymoon. They cry and hug and gaze lovingly upon their names on the tree trunk. Guess Bobby never took Pam out to the tree.
John Ross, tired of Elena ignoring his calls, goes to see her in person. She confronts him about the email, which she thinks he sent. He seems genuinely surprised by it. In fact, once he realizes that the email is the only reason she's not still with Christopher, he's kind of pissed and leaves all in a huff.
Back on the ranch, Rebecca's brother Tommy has a chat with Ann. He wants to stay in town and find a job so he can be close to his sister, he says. He doesn't come right and ask her for a job, but he's kind of dropping the hints. Meanwhile, Christopher shows up to talk his daddy out of selling Southfork. He doesn't like the idea of selling the family home just to fund his new business. Bobby explains he's selling Southfork so that Christopher and John Ross won't have to fight over it. Christopher thinks his father doesn't trust him to run things and asks him for a chance to prove himself. Bobby looks sad and says, "I gave my word, son -- I shook on it." And if we can't trust the handshake we give a total stranger, what can we trust?
In the kitchen, Rebecca approaches Ann. "Can I talk to you about something?" she asks. "I'm feeling a little insecure." They have a boring talk about Christopher and Elena and Ann reassures Rebecca she has nothing to worry about. She gives her a book of old family recipes that'll be sure to keep her man happy. If that doesn't work, she can try riding horses every day to strengthen her thigh muscles.
John Ross stops by Mitch Lobell's office. It turns out that Mitch, like everyone else in town, is ready to double-cross his employers. He's not only going to show the contracts to J.R. before presenting them to Bobby, but he's the one who made it possible for John Ross to secretly drill on his uncle's land. As Mitch states, he betrayed a client of 30 years for $500,000. He's not saying this out of regret, mind you, but as a preface to demanding even more money. "If you don't figure out how to get me two million by the Cattle Baron's Ball, not only am I gonna tell Bobby you set him up, I'm gonna tell J.R. that you're planning on screwing him over." How could he do either of those things without implicating himself? If John Ross can't even outsmart this scumbag lawyer, what hope does he have of besting J.R.?
John Ross goes into his favorite bar and is annoyed to find Christopher already there. "They don't serve sake at his bar, cousin, or whatever the hell they drink in China." Maybe he's just pretending to be colossally stupid so that people will underestimate him. They argue about family and how Christopher isn't really a Ewing as far as John Ross is concerned. Christopher brings up the mystery email and John Ross stealing Elena from him. He's all, "You better grow eyes in the back of your head, because I'm coming for you!" Christopher exhibits all the ferocity of a chipmunk guarding a peanut. It's kind of adorable and hilarious and not at all threatening.
Sue Ellen is making the final preparations for the Cattle Baron's Ball when Elena shows up to ask her for a favor. She wants to drill for oil on the Henderson ranch, but the bank won't lend her the money. She asks Sue Ellen, who's on the board, to put in a good word for her. Instead, Sue Ellen offers to front the money herself. Sue Ellen goes on about how smart and independent and awesome Elena is. "I'd like to think if I hadn't met J.R., I could have been like you." Don't sell it so hard, writers. Sue Ellen also invites Elena to the Cattle Baron's Ball tonight. Elena tries out several different smiles.
Time for the ball. Everyone's got on their shiniest belt buckles, biggest hats and pointiest boots. John Ross shows up with his daddy, who gets out of the car with a wheeled walker. "A walker? What are you doing, Dad?" John Ross asks. He's walking, you chicken-fried dolt. "Watch and learn," J.R. says as excited paparazzi snap pictures. Inside, Sue Ellen is praising the assembled guests for the money they've raised for the American Cancer Society. J.R., seeing her for the first time in who knows how long, is visibly stunned. Rightly so, because she looks like a million bucks in her tastefully sexy black dress. People start shouting at her to run for governor. Bobby is surprised to see J.R. wheeling up to him. They have a sit and J.R. thanks Bobby for visiting at the home all those times. He lies that it was Bobby's last visit that snapped him out of his depression. When Bobby tells J.R. that he plans to sell Southfork, J.R. says he trusts him to do the right thing. Bobby buys it, the poor fool.
When Bobby and Ann leave to get several strong drinks, J.R. has a talk with Marta, who conveniently happens to be at the ball. He's getting pissed that her father still hasn't called. She makes some lame excuse. Luckily, J.R. is distracted by Sue Ellen's proximity and goes over to talk to her. "Look at you... and look at me," he says. "You won, honey." The freaking lottery, yes she did.
John Ross drinks and heads over to talk to Elena. She agrees to remain business partners, tells him about the new oil leases she's buying, but their romance is over. J.R. catches up with Mitch Lobell at the brisket bar and prods him about the contracts. Mitch tries to explain away the holdup, but J.R. is losing patience. "You know, there was always one person you prized above all others," J.R. says with just the right mix of congeniality and menace. "I hate to hit a man below the belt, but you know I will." Mitch looks like he just pooped himself a little. J.R., on the other hand, looks delighted with himself.
Stinging from his breakup with Elena, John Ross seeks out Marta. They head over to her hotel room and start making out. They stop just long enough for Marta to drug John Ross's drink. Once he's good and woozy, she gets him over to the bed and sneakily turns on the video camera hidden in the overhead light. Some folks in the forum have wondered whether a sex tape would be much of a threat to John Ross. Single, consenting adults in bed is hardly taboo. Also, why drug him at all? He was more than willing to do the deed while (relatively) sober. Maybe it's actually a "not having sex" tape. "Here's reputed stud John Ross Ewing, not having sex with the woman in his bed!"
Bobby and Ann talk before he heads off to surgery. She thinks he's already given up and that he's selling Southfork because he doesn't believe he'll be around to run it. He also doesn't think Christopher is ready to take over.
John Ross wakes up the morning in bed still wearing his underpants, one wrist bruised and the other wrist still tied up with rope. Marta hands him a big pile of money, because, unlike Christopher, John Ross is a whore. Actually, it's just the down payment that John Ross needs to hush up Mitch Lobell.
Christopher asks Elena for her help as a geologist in working on a way to safely drill for methane. Christopher says he wants to prove to Bobby that he can run Southfork. Not entirely sure what one has to do with the other, but whatever. Rebecca's brother Tommy overhears the whole thing, on account of him lurking around in the bushes outside. He reports back to his sister, who is trying to make a pie out of the Ewing recipe book. "Ann offered me a job on the ranch," he says. "I'm in." They're plotting something against the Ewings, but Rebecca doesn't seem to be as into it as Tommy.
John Ross meets up with a private detective type of guy at the State Fair. What is up with these locations? He meets Marta at the Cowboys Stadium and now he's meeting this guy at the Texas State Fair? "You know the origin of the word 'peccadillo'?" the guy asks him out of the blue. John Ross gets a mental picture of an armadillo with a beak. The guy goes on: "It's a diminutive of the Spanish word for sin." What an odd conversation starter. John Ross wants this guy to dig up dirt on Mitch Lobell. He also gives him a paper copy of the mystery email and asks him to find out who sent it. He really should have sent it electronically with full headers, but whatever. "You know what they say in Mexico?" the guy asks. "It's better to be old than to be the devil."
There is zero reason for him to say that except that he must have known J.R. needed a segue. The old coot has just arrived in San Felipe, Mexico at Carlos Del Sol's magnificent villa. They act like old friends. Carlos is surprised to hear that J.R. has been making a deal with his daughter Marta and calls her in to ask her about it. J.R. is surprised when Marta walks in and she's got blond hair and doesn't look blatantly evil. This is not the woman he's been dealing with. J.R. covers his shock well. "I'm sorry to have troubled you, Carlos," he says. "And Marta? I'm going to have to introduce you to my son, John Ross." J.R. smiles for the benefit of the Del Sols, but lets us at home see his flaming hot rage. Bring a tarp week, y'all. The mierde is going to hit the fan.
Tippi Blevins is patiently awaiting a reboot of the TV classic about her own hometown - Houston Knights. Email her at b_tippi@yahoo.com, or find her on Twitter.