"We're Still Working Out the Kinks"

S05E01

There was a lot of pressure on this episode -- in my head at least -- as the last season premiere of a fantastic cult show like Chuck. So I'm not going to focus on how underwhelming it was until the last eight or so minutes. I'll give it another chance when I rewatch for the weecap.

Here's what happened: Team Bartowski has successfully morphed into a private spy company called Carmichael Industries when this season picks up. Well, a private spy company, yes. Successful? Not so much. They've blown through almost all of Volkoff's fortune buying private jets and other super expensive supplies. Casey goes to far as to suggest they get in touch with Agent Redhead and see about going back to the government. Chuck reminds him about Decker, though, so they can't do that. Instead, they take on a client. He's out to get $20 million back from Bale (Craig Kilborn), a real sleazeball. They take the job, infiltrate their way into a party Bale throws himself and into his computer vault. Just as they're accessing his funds, though, Decker pops up on the screen in Chuck's van and tells him he's now freezing all of Bale's accounts, thankyouverymuch. Turns out he does even more than that, tracing the accounts back to the fake donation they made to get into the party and freezing their last $42 million.

But before they get the bad news about their money, Chuck breaks into the party and saves Casey, Sarah, and Morgan (the new Intersect, as you'll recall). He gives an impassioned plea to them to leave him to die, but he doesn't mean it. He just wants them back in the van, where's he's videoed a plan for them to save him. They do it -- complete with him jumping out a window onto a van (ouch!). The point this all proved is that Chuck matters with or without the Intersect. And with or without Volkoff's millions (though it's pretty disappointing we didn't even get to see them with the riches for more than an episode). With their money gone, the gang has to now run the Buy More so that it turns a profit. Then they'll use that money to spy until they get the spying business turning its own profit. When did this show become about accounting and financial planning, anyway?

The episode almost ends with Chuck and Sarah hugging after she tells him his role now is as their leader. But then we zoom out and realize someone's monitoring them. Cut to a darkened CIA boardroom (so we can't see anyone's face except Decker's), where Decker's introducing a bunch of suits gathered around a table to the importance of Chuck. He's crucial, folks. That's why, Decker says, he must fail. Even if the rest of the episode was a bit of a snooze, that cliffhanger ending -- along with the extended preview of what's to come this season -- left me ready for more.

So, here we are at the beginning of the final season. I sort of can't believe it's been around this long, honestly. Remember when we used to have to eat Subway sandwiches to try to keep it alive? I'd say we got pretty lucky to have this much of a (mostly) good thing. Even if this episode is a bit underwhelming. Anyway, here are some things Chuck thinks we might need to know (they're pretty much all from last season's finale): Decker told Chuck that all the bad guys have been connected somehow, and Chuck was just a pawn. And now he's fired. So the gang went into business on their own, buying the Buy More and everything below it. Morgan put on the sunglasses General Redhead left for Chuck and put the Intersect in his own brain. We're not supposed to wonder about that whole Chuck's brain is special stuff, I guess.

The show opens as it should, on Chuck and Sarah. Her hair's shoulder-length and wavy, quite adorable on her. Chuck looks pretty much the same. They're standing on a sunny veranda overlooking the ocean, and Chuck asks her if this view is something she could get used to. But she'd rather roll out onto the beach in the morning than live over the water on a cliff. It's almost sickeningly adorable until Chuck says they'll maybe look for a toes in the sand kind of place someday, if... Sarah finishes: "If we survive this." The camera pans back to reveal they're being pushed toward the ledge by some suited-up men, including an almost unrecognizable Mark Hamill. He tells them they sound like an old married couple, but when Chuck starts to explain, Hamill's like, "I'm sorry. I don't care." Sarah and Chuck tell Hamill that he's fallen right into their trap, since they work with a master spy who they can't see coming. "Right now, he's probably..." Some more of Hamill's men lead Casey out onto the veranda at gunpoint. So they pretend they have yet another master spy hiding, and Sarah pushes a button on her bracelet that wakes Morgan up from his van duties. There's a pretty silly and cute sequence where they describe how fearless and badass and slick he is as he stumbles, falls, apologizes to fishies in a pond, and sneaks his way toward them without taking out any of Hamill's men.

Hamill finally cuts them off, but wonders where the master spy is. Morgan comes out, tiny as always and now soaked from the pond. He tries to flash, as Hamill tells his guys to kill them all. He flashes just in time. Of course. Then he kung-fus all over the place and takes out a bunch of Hammil's guys. Because of his size, though, his stuntman is a lot harder to disguise than Chuck's always has been. It's pretty distracting, honestly. Hammil asks Chuck who they are, and Chuck says they're spies for hire, Carmichael Industries. As he's about to punch Hammil's lights out, we hear a shattering behind him. Morgan's broken the $6 million vase that a client sent them to recover. Chuck turns back to Hammil, says "We're still working out the kinks," and then punches his lights out.

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There's a big, fancy sign in Castle that says "Carmichael Industries." Good thing they had Volkoff's unlimited resources to spend, right? Chuck exposits for us that the mission wasn't a total catastrophe, because the client wanted a microchip inside the vase, not the vase itself. And the microchip is intact. However, Casey says the vase was supposed to be their payment. Sarah sighs, and fills us in that they've mowed through the Volkoff fortune on startup costs. She shows him their bank statement. Only $42 million left, which sounds like a lot until you realize how much fresh shrimp Morgan eats on missions. (Hey, shrimp continuity!). Plus the cost of things like private jets and other fancy spy equipment.

Sarah says they need to collect some money soon. Casey has another suggestion: Crawl back to General Redhead and beg for government work again. Chuck reminds him that their problem's with Decker, not General Redhead, and he can't imagine that changing anytime soon. Casey suggests begging, because he's antsy taking cases with moral ambiguity. Chuck says this is what they wanted: Independence! Freedom! Time! They just need to get a little more solid footing. Casey grumbles that they work for dirtbags in the meantime. Sarah tells Chuck he's handling these bumps in the road, plus Morgan having the Intersect, really well. He tells her he gets to work with his smokin' hot wife and his best friends, which is enough. He raises his eyebrows in response to something Morgan's doing behind him, and Sarah asks what that was. He pretends he doesn't know what she's talking about, but she asks if he's hiding something. He wonders why he'd need to hide anything, and she drops it. But she's a spy, and she knows something's up, so it's not over.

At the Buy More, Chuck tells Morgan that Operation V.F.T.B. is dead. V.F.T.B. is apparently View From the Bluff, which is what they were calling Chuck's mission to find Sarah a perfect house on a bluff. Chuck says he was wrong about Sarah: She wants her toes in the sand, not a house on the bluff. Morgan says Operation Toes in the Sand makes a better acronym anyway. Chuck and we in the audience all put it together: T.I.T.S. Chuck suggests just calling it Operation Toes. Morgan says he'll look for some houses. Then they notice that things seem weird at the Buy More, in that they seem totally normal. They assume something shady is lurking -- in the form of Jeffster!, we can only presume. But they get paged to return to Castle before they can figure out what's weird/normal. After they leave, Lester hangs up a giant "Save Jeff Barnes" banner.

Casey tells Chuck their potential client is here, and Casey doesn't like him. Chuck reminds him they were supposed to wine and dine him, not bring him here, to what's supposed to be a secret base (except for the fact that, you know, the government -- including their enemy, Decker -- knows exactly where it is; there's no way that will ever be a problem.) Anyway, Casey says he took precautions, and Chuck finds the guy duct-taped and tied up in a cell. When Chuck removes the tape from his mouth, the guy wonders what the hell kind of operation this is. Chuck: "We're still working out the kinks."

Despite the complete opposite of wining and dining, though, the guy sticks around and fills the gang in on his situation. Some guy named Bale (a very sleazy Craig Kilborn) pretended to invest his money, but just made off with $20 million. He can't go to the cops because Bale falsified his trading records, making it appear that he's broke. In reality, the money's hidden in property and accounts that can be accessed by a computer vault in Bale's house. Where he has deadly security. They can have twenty percent of what they recover, but Casey wants fifty. He tells their client he's done some digging, and knows he's "scum of the Earth." Chuck speaks up loudly that Casey's obviously kidding. (He isn't.) But Sarah tells Casey Bale's worth infiltrating anyway. She's looking him up, and it looks like he's stolen money from teachers unions, and families. Casey's still not listening. The client says Bale stole $2 million from Rush Limbaugh. Casey: "Tell me everything you know about this animal."

The client fills them in a party Bale's throwing for himself the night, but it's invitation-only and everything goes through his secure BlackBerry. Chuck spies on Bale, who is a total tool trying to impress two ladies at a poolside table while wearing his Bluetooth headset. Ugh. I almost can't even watch that happening on TV, it's so douchey. Sarah's monitoring the party preparations via satellite, and Chuck points out that he told her satellite was a good investment. Now they just have to figure out how to get themselves invited to the party via Bale's phone. Morgan walks up to Chuck just then and says loudly, "Let's talk house, Homeboy." Sarah, still listening on the other end asks what that was about. "Did you just say house?" Chuck tells him it's nothing and basically hangs up on her. Then he reminds Morgan it's a secret. But Morgan doesn't even listen, because he wants to show Chuck the amazing house he's found. Chuck tells Morgan how awesome it would be to give Sarah the dream life: owning their own company, living with her toes in the sound. They just need this gig to pay out. So, they just need $4 million to make their dreams come true? When they already have a bank account with $42 million in it? Interesting.

By DeAnn Welker

Morgan looks over at Bale then, and flashes on his Kensington Athletic Club gym bag. He flashes on people playing squash. Not the most informative of flashes in history, but he tells Chuck he just "zoomed" and saw that Bale plays squash, so maybe that's their opportunity to get his BlackBerry and get themselves on the party invite list. Chuck thinks it's a good idea, but then is like, "Zoomed?" Morgan says he knows Chuck used to "flash," but he wanted to give his thing a new name, so he's using "zoom." He worries Chuck doesn't like it, but Chuck says it's fine. Though he's clearly bothered that Morgan has an Intersect (and apparently a special brain, too), and is even changing the vocabulary. Morgan tells Chuck he's so amazing and Zen, because if he had a power like that and thought it was gone forever he'd be a wreck. He tells Chuck he's his hero, and is great even without the Intersect. But the first part of that speech is what Chuck's already feeling all melancholy about.

The Intersect sunglasses are on some little spacey machine with tubes and flashing lights. I can't tell if it's the past or if Chuck went to check in on them after his talk with Morgan, but he asks Ellie how certain she is that there was only one reload in the glasses. Ellie says she's, like, very certain. She says she tried to access the program, but there was no way to update it. She apologizes to him that this was a one-time deal. He says that's okay because Morgan has it now and is doing surprisingly well. She asks him what's wrong and he tells her that the Intersect opened him up to big dreams and he thinks he can't accomplish them without the Intersect. She doesn't think Bakula wanted him to have it forever, anyway. (Well, obviously, since he removed it once, and since it could make him insane.) She goes on that the computer didn't make him a hero; it just gave him the opportunity to become one. She promises him he can do this now, even with the training wheels off. "My two cents." He thanks her for "a good Ellie speech," and she says that's what sisters are for.

Cut to the athletic club, where Chuck's giving Bale's squash partner a big, greasy massage (he likes it deep and hard, y'all) while Morgan pretends to be Michael Carmichael of Carmichael Industries, a subsidiary of MichaelCo. Bale thinks that sounds like a lot of money, and Morgan agrees that if he were standing on his wallet, "I'd be tall." Chuck continues to massage the giant muscley squash partner (whose name is "Killer" Burnham, by the way, because he killed nine people in the Foreign Legion), while Casey hacks his way into Bale's BlackBerry. Problem: Casey gets caught so Sarah calls in Chuck. He pulls out a tranq gun to take his guy out and go help Casey. But the guy who caught Casey happens to be an old friend, also working the private sector. For "a turd named Bale. A real scuzzer. But at least it's a payday." Killer's already caught Chuck and his tranq gun. Chuck fills Killer's chest up with tranq darts, but he's 400 pounds of solid meat, so it doesn't do a think. And when Chuck finally gets him down for a half-second, Chuck's hands are too greased-up to open the door and escape. Morgan, meanwhile, asks Bale if he knows what Morgan should do with $40 million lying around. Sarah comes in at the end of the match, and Morgan introduces her as "Bunny Doll." Morgan and Sarah get a personal invite to the party from Bale. Casey busts in and gives Chuck the good news: Morgan, THE INTERSECT (in case Chuck or any of us forgot), saved the day.

Castle. Chuck congratulates Morgan on the success, and tells him they wired a couple million into Bale's account so Morgan's all set for the party. Chuck tells Morgan which suit to wear: Bond, not Bogart. Then they have a heart to heart about Chuck's life without the Intersect (he didn't know how hard being a spy could be). Then Morgan tells Chuck to focus on the big picture: perfect wife, perfect house. He pulls out a binder with "T.I.T.S" written across it in big letters. When Sarah comes in, Morgan hides the binder and jumps up, saying he'll get this to the lab. Sarah reminds Chuck she's a trained spy who knows when someone's keeping a secret, especially when it's her husband. He denies it some more, but she and Casey are going to scout Bale's corporate headquarters. They'll talk later.

Chuck sees the "Save Jeff" banner on the Buy More security cam, and he and Morgan head up there to inspect. Everything still looks weirdly normal, so they wonder where in the world Jeffster! is. Jeff wheels in just then in a wheelchair and neck brace. He runs himself straight into the Nerd Herd counter, and people drop money in a Save Jeff jar. Lester comes out and tells Chuck and Morgan how heartbreaking it is that Jeff was trampled by a rush of secretaries for the midnight release of the talking Justin Bieber doll, and he may never walk again. He scolds them that they would know this if they ever bothered to actually come to work. Chuck says he can't believe it, and Morgan feels terrible. Chuck's like, "No. I literally can't believe it." They watch Jeff ask someone for cash, lying that the Buy More insurance ran out. Chuck and Morgan contemplate creating a ruse to trick Jeff out of his chair, but instead they just wait for him to get up and walk up a ladder and put away a piece of inventory. Chuck and Morgan tell Jeff he's giving back every penny or going to jail. Jeff: "To see my mom?" Lester comes over and says the walking is a miracle, and is because of everyone's donations. But Chuck and Morgan shame them for their behavior, take the signs and banners, and leave.

As Chuck and Morgan arrive back at their apartments, they agree they should probably spend more time at the Buy More. Morgan says he's going to hold on to the "T.I.T.S." binder, so Chuck needs to be strong and not tell Sarah the secret. I'm sorry. Has anyone ever in history bought a house without consulting with their spouse? I can't imagine a wife who would be remotely happy with that "surprise." Chuck heads home, and calls for Sarah. She sweetly calls out, "In a minute." Then he stammers about how he has no secrets but some things he just don't tell her. Then she comes out in sexy black lingerie and red heels as New Young Pony Club sings "Ice Cream." Now, I find Sarah as hot as anyone else does (because, duh), but that felt a little gratuitous. Like the show's written by a bunch of uber-nerd-boys who just want to see Yvonne Strahovksi dance around in a teddy. Chuck looks away and swears his lips are sealed, but she'd like to unseal them. Quick cut to her asking Morgan for the binder. Morgan: "He cracked like an egg." He hands her the "T.I.T.S." binder with an awkward explanation of the acronym. She just "whatever"s and storms off.

In bed, she looks through the binder and tells Chuck it's sweet he tried to surprise her. She isn't super happy with the houses, though. She tells him something that she's never told anyone else: When she was a little girl and her dad kept them moving around a lot, she almost imagined the perfect dream home. It was a little white house with a red door and a picket fence. Just like the houses people live in on TV. Cozy, homey, and simple. Chuck agrees that's perfect, and swears he'll find it no matter what it takes. He promises.

Bale's party that night. Chuck's in the van, watching on surveillance camera as Morgan, Sarah, and Casey head into the party in slo-mo. Chuck tells them how great they look -- especially Sarah -- then mopes about sitting by himself in the van. "God, I hope this works." Chuck reminds them the plan: Casey will locate the vault and tap into the system while Sarah and Morgan create a distraction. Morgan greets Bale, and so far so good. He hilariously introduces Casey as Chalmers, his "mute manservant." Bale tells Morgan how excited they are to have him aboard with his initial investment. Bale walks off and tells them to follow him. Casey growls under his breath about how he was supposed to be Morgan's account. Morgan says he improvised. Casey puts on some sunglasses that allow Chuck to see where the fiber-optic cable is and that they'll need a key card. Sarah's on it. Bale flirts it up with Sarah, even touching her butt while they talk. Morgan gets really angry, and tells Chuck it's taking everything he has not to zoom and kick the crap out of Bale. Chuck tells Morgan to think about baseball. The timing with the World Series is pretty hilarious, as Morgan says, "Baseball. Why baseball? I mean, come on, it is so boring. Just pitch the dam ball already. Enough talk with the statistics. Chuck, do you know what slugging percentage is, because I don't know what slugging percentage is. Right? And, honestly, who the hell cares?" Morgan thanks Chuck, since that obviously worked. Bale finishes up his creepy flirting and Sarah gets the key card from his pocket. She passes it to Casey, who heads to the vault.

By DeAnn Welker

Some guys let Sarah, Casey, and Morgan go, but Sarah wants to know what the hell is going on. She calls Chuck on her headset, and he asks if she's still inside. She says they just let them go; where is he? He says he's inside, but not to worry about him. He insists she, Casey, and Morgan leave. Casey's slapping Morgan's face to try to wake him from when he was knocked out earlier. You know Casey has to love doing that. Morgan wakes up: "Did I do great?" Sarah insists she's not leaving her husband on a mission. He tells her to leave him behind, don't make him die in vain. "Leave! Leave me behind!" They run to the van, though Sarah doesn't want to leave him behind. They see a post-it from him in the van that says, "Push this button." He pops on the computer and says, "Guys, please don't leave me behind. I have a plan!"

Bale asks Chuck what he was thinking getting his friends out safe but staying behind. Chuck says he was actually thinking fast. On the video, he tells them to hit a button on the control panel. The lights go out in Bale's compound, confusing things long enough for Chuck to run for it. On the video, he tells Morgan to disconnect the van from Bale's electrical line, Casey to get the van moving, and for Sarah to direct Casey to the east side of the building, where there's a large window Chuck's going to have to jump through. Sarah tells Casey where to go. Inside, Chuck runs and runs, with Bale's men in pursuit, firing at him when they can. Chuck video: "And, Sarah, no matter what happens, I love you." The van pulls up just as he jumps from the window. He's at least four stories up, but lands on the van. His video asks them to please check to make sure he's alive on the roof of the van. He is okay somehow, so they speed away.

At Castle, Chuck tells the team not to get down, since they all made it out alive, at least. Plus, Bale was arrested, so Chuck thinks that should go in the win category. Or win with an asterisk maybe. Sarah and Casey fill Chuck in on why they're so glum: When Decker froze Bale's accounts, that included the money they transferred in, which led back to the account they transferred from. That means all of their assets are frozen, except for Castle (which, hello?! Decker KNOWS ABOUT. If he's the Big Bad, should they really be right where he knows they are) and the Buy More. Morgan tells them they're still a team and they still have the Buy More. But Chuck needs some air. Sarah follows him out and tells him they'll bounce back, just like always. He tells her he'll be back.

But she follows him and finds him standing outside her dream house. She says he found it, and wonders what's wrong. He says he can't afford it now. If he'd bought it with their fortune yesterday, they'd own it, but now it's too late. He apologizes, but she says it's okay. They didn't get married because they thought life would be easy. They work through things together. He asks how, though, and she says they'll get new clients and missions, and they still have Castle and the Buy More. It dawns on Chuck that they need to use the Buy More's profits to support Carmichael Industries. But in order for that to work, the store has to turn a profit. They agree they can do that. But Chuck wonders about him. With Casey and Sarah super-spies and Morgan the Intersect, what's his role? She tells him he's their leader. And he somehow sort of is, which is great. Especially when you remember how scared he was back in the beginning.

But someone's watching, and taking pictures, from across the street. And Decker's showing the pictures to a dark conference room full of people somewhere at CIA headquarters. He tells them that's the plan. "As you can see, our superior's (or superiors'?) interference in Chuck Bartowski's life has only just begun. Now you understand how important he is, and why he must fail. You all have your orders. This is the plan, its final chapter. Nothing can stop it." They all look through pictures of Chuck through the years I their little folders, and then close them. The cover is labeled, "Top secret." I like Richard Burgi and all, but he's not quite the villain that Agent Superman or Volkoff were. I'd like Decker to have a little more of their charisma and/or ambiguity.

I can't tell if the preview is for week or for the whole season, because two different announcer guys give me conflicting messages. Anyway, Carrie-Anne Moss is here, interested in Casey, and Chuck can handle anything thrown at him. Chuck tells Morgan they're friends, and Morgan says, "We are NOT friends." Chuck brings up life after the spy game with Sarah. Then he meets with someone in a parking garage and tells him or her, "It's good to see you again." His mom? Volkoff?

DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, is glad to have this show back, even after a mediocre episode. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.

By DeAnn Welker

DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, is glad to have this show back, even after a mediocre episode. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.

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