Previously on CANCELLED!, it wassss raining outsssside the night the Retard'ssss ssssisssster wassss taken; Piper counseled patience in The Lisssspy Bimbo's dealings with her recently rescued sister; The Angel Of Teasley warned, "There's one more battle on the horizon for you three, one unlike you've ever faced before, one you won't see coming, and one you may not survive"; Darling Henry proposed to Raige atop the Golden Gate Bridge, and Raige accepted; The Lisssspy Bimbo gave Milk Carton Chrissssty a pep talk regarding her powers right before Chrissssty quite awesomely set the Bimbo on fire; Piper ranted about Chrissssty being the "key," which Phoebe thought might be a good thing; and The Zombie Triad rose from the dead to gloat and whatnot at Not!warts. Also, Phoebe's faith in true love was refreshed once every fifth episode since the series premiere, but they don't really want any of us to remember those particular installments.
We fade up on a heart-shaped chocolate cake in the Manor kitchen before panning up to take in Pack Mule Piper, slaving away to prepare the food for Raige's engagement party while bitching to Phoebe about it the entire time via the cordless. A quick cut of the camera zaps us over to The Hagquarters, where Phoebe's ransacking her closet to find something that will fit Chrissssty, who teeters in the background of the shot clad in nothing more than a set of silky pink undergarments and a pair of high heels. The Retarded Bimbo's there, too, flapping her arms around in the most useless manner imaginable, but I'll be ignoring her until she says something of importance, which means I might well be ignoring her for the rest of the show's run, because did I mention? CANCELLED! I love you, Dawn Ostroff! Marry me! In any event, as the two Ps continue to natter and bitch at one another, Piper scoops a set of plates up from the kitchen counter and sweeps into the dining room with them, the better for us to note the enormous heart-shaped floral centerpiece adorned with a golden ribbon that reads "Paige and Henry." I'm guessing this is one of the weeks when P3 is in the black, because God knows Raige is still a worthless layabout and therefore unlikely to be paying for any of this herself, and I really doubt Phoebe's still contributing to the Manor's general fund now that she's got her very own special condominium, but whatever. Phoebe's a hag, and this show is CANCELLED! Hooray! Mention is made of Piper's hard, icy Doltsicle before Piper herself vows, "Someone in this family is going to have a normal, happy wedding engagement -- party and all," and there's that word. I hate that word. Oh, hell, what am I talking about? I hate this show, period, and therefore I hate every single word on it including "and" and "the," so let's keep this moving, shall we? Referring to her hopes for a successful soiree, Piper inquires of the Feebs, "How's the [Chrissssty] project going?" "Really well!" Phoebe enthuses. "This morning we mastered the art of walking in high heels, and now we're just picking out an outfit, and we're gonna go on a little test run to a café -- see how it goes!" Piper mutters her approval because, as she puts it, "demons attacking at the party, [she] can handle, but [Chrissssty] eating with her hands?" Not so much. Phoebe promises Chrissssty will be "totally, totally ready" by the following evening just as Chrissssty, still tottering in her heels, loses her balance completely while pulling one of Phoebe's skimpy hand-me-downs over her head and crashes loudly to the floor. Phoebe grimaces as Piper demands, "What happened?"
Apparently, what happened is that some dark demonic force who shall remain anonymous managed to squiggle into a random Underworld lair in mid-vanquish, for that's what the shot cuts to in answer to Piper's question. No, it doesn't make sense. Of course it doesn't make sense. This is Charmed. What the hell were you expecting by this point? The blazing demon drops to the dirt and shrieks for a bit before vanishing in an all-consuming ball of flame. The camera jerkily shudders from the floor to take in the vanquish's two witnesses: Leon from Deadwood, and a shorter gentleman with a receding hairline and vaguely British inflections to his speech. "I suppose letting him escape half-alive was meant to send a message," muses Leon, who's toting a goblet for whatever reason. "Yes," the hench-imp anxiously agrees, "that it's suicide to go up against The Triad!" As the two turn to amble back into the lair proper, the hench-imp continues, "We can't afford to lose anymore demons, Xar!" "Xar"? Okay. We'll go with that. Even though "Leon" is much easier to type. You bastards. The hench-imp rather frantically suggests that Xar and his minions retreat even further into the Underworld, but to this idea, Xar simply snorts, "If The Triad gets The Ultimate Power, nowhere will be safe." The hench-imp frets that, now that The Zombie Triad's taken up residence in Not!warts, no one is strong enough to thwart them. Xar gets a twinkle in his eye as he replies, "The Charmed Ones might be." "Perhaps," he continues, turning his head slightly to stare his directly at his hench-imp, "we can get them to destroy The Triad for us." The hench-imp gets all shifty as his eyes bounce around the room while Zar (and that's the fifth time in a row I've typed it like that, so fuck it -- whatever comes out of the keyboard from now on stays that way on the page) smirks us into the opening credits.
Manor. Up in the nonexistent attic, Raige is busily abusing the Book of Shadows, flipping past the entries for Kali and the "To Make A Lover's Dream Come True" spell before continuing on as Piper enters from the upper stairs to wonder what gives. "I thought you were going ring shopping with Henry," she exposits. Raige mumbles an excuse about the pressing need for research, given the fact that The Key To The Ultimate Power is making a dippy jackass of herself over at The Hagquarters at this very moment. Piper smells bullshit, and calls Raige on it thusly: "When a girl isn't the least bit giddy about ring shopping, that usually means something's very wrong." And there goes Betty Friedan, spinning in her month-old grave. Shut up, Piper. Piper diagnoses a case of cold feet, because this is a television show, and everyone who's about to get married on a television show is required by law to develop serious doubts about the entire undertaking prior to the wedding. Raige bluffs that she's perfectly fine, but it's not working, partly because Mugs McGowan is twitching her way through this scene like an overcaffeinated epileptic, but mainly because she's sporting a hideous tiered top that looks exactly like Chloe's figure skating costume for Sasha Cohen on Project Runway, only in brown with tiny white polka dots. What? There was nothing else on TV last Saturday, and Bravo was running a marathon. Zip it. "I love [the Doltsicle], too," Piper confesses, "but that doesn't mean I didn't get knots in my stomach the moment I said yes." "Really?" Raige gulps, quickly dropping the insouciant act. "Mmmm-hmmm," Piper assures her, "it's perfectly normal."
"Well," Raige hesitates before plaintively wondering, "is it normal to fight about every little thing?" "Actually, yes," Piper shrugs, and actually, I wouldn't have the faintest idea on the matter, so I'll accept that, but I will note that if every married couple bickered and snarled at each other the way Piper and the Dolt have over the last five years, I'd expect the divorce rate to be a lot higher than it actually is. Piper offers Raige a bit of relationship advice that doesn't amount to much more than an exhortation for Raige and Henry to make every effort to listen to each other, but this scene has unexpectedly taken a turn towards the sort of tender-hearted sisterly bonding that's been sorely missing from this show all season, so I don't mind the banality of the advice at all. After a bit more of this, Piper finally orders Raige to Darling Henry's side with, "You need to get your butt out of here! Go -- the demons will show up eventually. They always do." Piper and Raige exchange a set of fond smiles as Raige heads towards the stairs. "Good luck!" Piper calls after her right before the screen flares white to drop us down into...
...Hell, where Zar's munching on a gigantic loaf of sourdough bread while his hench-imp sloppily spoons watery gruel into his own mouth on the opposite side of the table, which many on the boards agreed was odd, as they couldn't recall seeing demons dining in their natural habitats on this show. Unfortunately for me, I do recall demons dining in their natural habitats on this show, but that's because I'm a never-forget-anything monstrosity who will need decades of therapy to heal the damage this awful piece of garbage has inflicted upon my poor brain over the last six years. In any event, as many surmised, this bit exists, I believe, simply to reinforce Chrissssty's own horrid table manners on display in the scene, for whatever reason. Anyway. Moving on: Turns out Zar has an axe to grind as far as The Zombie Triad is concerned, for they "excommunicated" him at some point in the past, and that would mean that The Triad wasn't exactly a Triad, now wouldn't it? This stupid, awful, evil show. Then again, whatever, because CANCELLED! Whee! Long story short, Zar orders the hench-imp to figure out a way to notify the Charmed Ones that The Zombie Triad has taken up residence in Not!warts. He believes, you see, that the Manor Morons, were they to learn of The Triad's resurrected existence, will want them dead as much as he himself does, and will do everything in their supposedly considerable power to see that it happens. The screen flares white again to escort us...
...topside, where Chrissssty's attacking a barbecued chicken leg with both hands and gaping maw at an outdoor café to the general consternation of all her fellow patrons, including Phoebe and The Retard. "All right!" the Feebs finally snaps. "Utensils!" Sheepish Chrissssty, shamefaced, apologizes before moaning, "I'm a freak! I'm never gonna get this." Phoebe urges her to relax and concentrate, so what does Chrissssty do? Why, set her plate of food ablaze with her wacky pyrokinesis, of course! Phoebe hoots and yodels and douses the fire with the contents of her water glass before deciding they need to put an end to this little experiment in fine dining. She tosses some cash at The Retard to cover the bill and, promising to meet them back at the Manor after she's run a few errands, bolts. Marnette Patterson inexplicably amuses me by pulling this massive pouty face and batting at the barbecue stains on her cheek with one perfectly manicured hand.
Phoebe, meanwhile, is so preoccupied with the contents of her purse that she rams right into Victor Webster, formerly of Days Of Our Lives, very briefly of Emily's Reasons Why Not, and currently making me giddy and light-headed because, I'm sorry, but did the temperature not just rocket up about thirty-seven degrees when he appeared on the screen? Woof. In any event, Phoebe barely acknowledges Victor's existence before continuing on her way. For some reason, this visibly outrages The Retarded Bimbo, who rises from her café seat to gasp and splutter before lumbering after the Feebs while screaming, "Hey, missy! Hel-lo!" "That guy was totally hot," she continues once she's caught Phoebe's attention, "he was checking you out -- what are you doing?" Phoebe basically tells The Retard to can it. "Let's just focus on [Chrissssty]," she rather curtly suggests with much waving of hands, "otherwise, we're gonna have to deal with The Wrath Of Piper." Wise words from one so dim. What the hell is going on tonight? Who are these occasionally entertaining people, and what are they doing on this ass show? Oh, fuck it. I can't pretend to care anymore, because CANCELLED! Woot! In any event, with that, Phoebe flees the scene. The Retard gapes. Shut up, Retard.
After a brief spin around the top of the Transamerica Pyramid (which...what?), we arrive at the Manor, where Piper's howling something about glassware in the dining room while The Retard instructs Chrissssty on the finer points of celebratory champagne toasts. "Why clink?" Chrissssty quite reasonably wonders. Unfortunately, she's asking The Retard, so yeah. No answers will be forthcoming at any point in the foreseeable future. Chrissssty rather predictably gulps when instructed to sip, then proceeds to demolish an entire tray of glasses when she rips the cloth napkin from beneath to wipe her mouth. I mention each detail only because of something that happens much later in the episode so, you know, just tuck it all away somewhere for now. Piper exits the dining room to answer the doorbell just as Chrissssty discovers the joys of corkscrews.
Over in the foyer, Piper opens the door to find two uniformed officers of the law on the front porch, and one of them is actually Zar's hench-imp in cop drag, so I'm gonna go out on a limb, here, and assume that his rather attractive partner is another demonic minion. Long story short, the hench-imp's decided that the best way to inform the Manor Morons of The Triad's resurrection is to dress up like a policeman and issue vague warnings about "suspicious activity lately around [their] home," because everyone on this (gloriously CANCELLED!) show is an idiot. Piper, of course, frowns upon hearing all of this and advances upon them with a wary "What is this about, exactly?" "We got word there may be an attempt on your life," the attractive minion blurts, eliciting a rather amusing glare of incredulous exasperation from the hench-imp. "What?" Piper bites. "By who?" "You've come across Them before," the hench-imp unhelpfully explains as Chrissssty and The Retard tentatively edge themselves into the main hall. "'Them'?" Piper eyebrows before cutting through the crap and demanding to know, "Who are you guys?" The attractive minion sucks in his cheeks and glares at the hench-imp all, "I told you this was a shitty, shitty idea." The hench-imp, meanwhile, looks like he's about to wet his pants in terror. Heh. Raige stumbles upon the scene from above to natter something entirely unimportant about her latest tiff with Darling Henry, just as Chrissssty's telepathic mojo makes her clutch at her temples in pain. Back at the door, the hench-imp babbles, "Look, this is a friendly visit -- we're just here to warn you that there are...beings who you thought you dealt with but haven't." He's barely gotten that last bit out when the camera shudders in tight on Chrissssty's grimacing face. "They're demons!" she groans through clenched teeth. "The Triad's back!" the hench-imp finally shouts. "Beware!"
The attractive minion, meanwhile, has had more than enough of this ridiculous ruse and wings a Flaming Ball Of Death at Piper's head. She flies out of the way, landing on the upholstered bench in the alcove to the door, and the FBOD smashes through a vase of flowers Piper had just placed on the chest of drawers in the front hall. Piper flings out her Mighty Hands Of Discontent in the hench-imp's direction, but he snipers to the floor at the last second, allowing the explosive mojo to burst harmlessly in mid-air. The attractive minion hurls another FBOD at Chrissssty and The Retard, but they, too, manage a dodge, and the FBOD simply destroys the lavish heart-shaped floral arrangement on the dining room table. As the attractive minion conjures yet another FBOD, Chrissssty presses her fingers against her temples and thinks real hard for a second. In a rather surprising advancement for her base power, the resulting pyrokinetic pulse instantly envelops the attractive minion in a cloud of fire, and he quickly howls and explodes on his merry way to The Waste Land. "Ssssa-weeet!" ssssingssss The Retard. Piper scowls at the surviving hench-imp, who cringes and reflexively squiggles the hell away from there with a tiny whimper of fear. Hee. "Did he just say 'Triad'?" Piper shrieks. Chrissssty pants and mewls while Mugs McGowan goes pie-eyed with the exaggerated and grotesque grimacing before Piper glares her way into the first commercial break, and that entire scene was far more entertaining than it had any right to be.
Manor. Aftermath. Back in the kitchen, Chrissssty explains that she simply "got a hit" off the demons thanks to her telepathy, but she didn't recognize them from her many years in the Underworld. Raige offers to cancel her ring-buying expedition once more, but Piper's having none of that. She herself is perfectly capable of performing the required research, thank you very much, so Raige is off to meet her fiancé after she drops Chrissssty and The Retard off at The Hagquarters for safekeeping. By the way, lip service is paid to the gals' awareness of Cole's Triad-slaughtering gorefest five years ago, but we never get an explanation for their resurrection. And...scene? Yeah. Scene.
After another flash of white, we're back down in Zar's lair, where the demon of the chamber is pressing an athame against his second-in-command's throat while baying, "How could you fail?" The hench-imp hastens to explain that they didn't fail, exactly, as the desired warning was indeed issued, albeit without the necessary elaboration. "Cyril was incinerated by a Charmed One!" Zar howls, and it's so nice that the attractive and quickly vanquished minion gets a proper name, and yet we still don't know who the hell this hench-imp is, isn't it? CANCELLED! BOO-YA! Suck it, Kern! In any event, the hench-imp quickly fills Zar in on the apparent Manor sitch with regards to Chrissssty and her mad firestarting skillz. Zar, intrigued by the news, determines that Chrissssty is likely The Ultimate Power he heard so much about when he was a member of The Triad, and concocts a scheme to abscond with her from the aboveground. If, as his reasoning goes, he can manage to convince the Ps that Chrissssty was kidnapped by the actual Zombie Triad themselves, the Glamorous Ladies will have that much more reason to kill them.
Back on the Paramount backlot, Darling Henry gazes wistfully through the window of a jewelry store as the employees within close up shop for the evening. Raige jiggles up behind him spouting apologies and excuses, Darling Henry glums something passive-aggressive in return, and the two strike off down the sidewalk in a mutual pedebitch that involves not only their conflicting wedding ideals, but also their clashing toothpaste strategies. Don't ask. No, seriously: Don't ask. "By the way," Raige eventually peeves, "I am not wearing a veil!" "How can you get married without wearing a veil?" Darling Henry flails. "If you want one so much," Raige snaps, "you wear it!" And with that, she stomps out of the frame, Darling Henry blubbering incoherently after her.
Meanwhile, over at The Hagquarters, Chrissssty and The Retard bond over a compact and a bit of blush for a while until Phoebe enters to adorn Chrissssty's decidedly non-maggoty neck with one of Phoebe's own baubles. Just then, Victor Webster unexpectedly barges through Phoebe's door, much to Phoebe's bug-eyed consternation, and much to The Retard's lispy delight. Victor plays it off like he just moved in to the condominium directly below Phoebe's and must have exited the elevator on the wrong floor, but that's not even remotely believable, so we'll just wave goodbye to him for now and continue with the scene at hand, because you know he's going to explain the real reason for his presence in excruciating detail later on, so whatever. The ladies jaw about Victor for a bit before Chrissssty rises to slip into another of Phoebe's fashion atrocities. The Retard moves to assist her, but Chrissssty's all, "Excuse me! I think I can dress myself by now!" so The Retard drops her oddly proportioned ass back onto Phoebe's divan while Chrissssty heads into The Hagquarters Boudoir alone. Once there, she swings the door shut to reveal Zar, lurking in the corner dressed as a member of The Triad. Chrissssty's barely allowed enough time to squeak out a gasp of fright before Zar quite violently pimp-smacks her straight through one of the posts of Phoebe's canopied bed and all the way across the mattress, where she lands in a tangled heap on the floor at the far side of the room. That was probably the best stuntwork I've seen all season on this godforsaken show. Pity my new best girlfriend Dawn Ostroff CANCELLED IT YESTERDAY. Hee! Anyway, Phoebe and The Retard, noting the ungodly racket, race to the Boudoir and arrive just in time to watch Zar melt through the floorboards in a dissolving black smear of a column, the unconscious Chrissssty in his arms. "The Triad!" Phoebe whispers, the second before she and The Retard are swallowed by the commercial break.
Manor. Aftermath. Again. Some more. After bringing Piper up to speed on the latest Chrissssty abduction and The Triad's apparent involvement in same, Phoebe softly suggests, "This might be the fight that The Angel Of Destiny was talking about. If we win..." "...We could get [my big, icy Doltsicle] back," Piper finishes for her. After taking a moment to absorb all of that, Phoebe rises to announce that she intends to return to The Hagquarters to investigate Victor Webster likely role in this evening's proceedings. "You really think he'ssss part of thissss?" hisses The Retard. "YES!" Phoebe screams before vanishing from the parlor. Piper and The Retard exchange a few mutually reassuring words before the screen flares white to whisk us back down to...
...The Lair Of The Zar, where the still-unconscious Chrissssty's been bound, blindfolded, and placed in the center of an array of demonic Mystical Crysticals on the dirt floor. Zar and the hench-imp hover above her, puzzling about her identity. Zar quickly realizes she's more likely "an unsuspecting conduit" to the true Ultimate Power, just as Chrissssty slowly stirs herself awake. "So," Zar opens, "care to tell us what you know about The Ultimate Power?" Chrissssty pushes herself into sitting position with a grunt, and gets a faceful of zapping Crystical mojo for her trouble. "Spunky!" Zar perks as Chrissssty flops back to the dirt with a pained groan. Chrissssty writhes around for a bit while Zar slithers something wicked until the camera abruptly cuts to...
...Phoebe kicking in the door of the condominium beneath her own. The place is empty. "I knew it!" she seethes before spinning around and darting upstairs to...
...The Hagquarters, where she snatches up the cordless to place an urgent call to the Manor. The gorgeous Victor Webster casually ambles around from his hiding place behind a support pillar and grins, "Took you long enough." My, but he's tall. Phoebe, immune to Victor Webster's many, many charms for the moment, widens her eyes in terror and clocks him in the chin with the cordless. Victor Webster demolishes a decorative end table with his large frame on his way to the floor, but quickly recovers to chuckle that execrable line from Love Story that I'll not be repeating here. As he moves to pull himself back to his feet, Phoebe aims the heel of her stiletto pump at his pretty, pretty face in what would be a well-placed though unfortunately and unforgivably damaging kick were Victor Webster not able at this moment to activate the mojo in his chunky opal Cupid ring and freeze her. For yes, gentle reader, as we shall soon learn once he thaws her out and barrages her with a hail of exposition, Victor Webster is indeed "Cupid, or one of them, anyway," sent to The Hagquarters by the ever-useless Elders to aid and abet Phoebe in her neverending quest to get knocked up. Or something like that. Something very much like that, I'm afraid. You see, the ever-useless Elders "feel guilty about how everything" in Phoebe's life "got messed up after they enlisted [her]," so they sent "Coop" down to help her "get things back on track." Just go with it all, because there are only six episodes left, okay? Please? For me? Yeah, Phoebe's faith in "true love" was supposedly restored last season through Cole's intervention in the form of Billy Zane, but whatever. Victor Webster's bringing the dimpled and sorely needed masculine pretty, and Alyssa Milano's surprisingly unannoying thus far in her scenes with him, so I'm going to let this particular bit of plot recycling slide for now. By the way, Coop also announces that Phoebe's future child is "destined, but [they] are gonna have to hurry." "But my star charts," Phoebe sighs, trailing off dejectedly. "All wonky," he insists. "Your math sucks." Hee. Go figure. Anyway, long story short, Phoebe snarls something dismissive and bails to go kill the Zombie Triad while Coop, left alone, snickers something to himself about Phoebe being an unexpected challenge, or whatever. Scene.
Back at the Manor, Raige, via her cell, orders Darling Henry to call all those invited to the engagement party and cancel, as "there might not be a tomorrow night" for the Glamorous Ladies, like, what the fuck ever, Raige. You have six dreadful episodes left, and you're not getting out of it that easily. None of us are. Though God knows death would be preferable. In any event, Darling Henry reluctantly acquiesces to Raige's demands and hangs up on her to begin notifying his would-be guests that their presence is no longer expected at the Manor.
Nonexistent Attic. Raige enters to receive some unwelcome news from Piper: The latter's Book abuse has revealed that "there's no known way to vanquish" the Zombie Triad. Except, of course, for blowing them up, stabbing them, or breaking their necks. This stupid show. Meanwhile, the even stupider Retard's been babbling the truncated version of the "To Call A Lost Witch" spell over and over again in a fruitless attempt to drag Chrissssty back to the Manor, much to Piper's readily apparent annoyance. Heh. Just detonate her worthless ass and be done with already, Piper. You know you want to. Raige offers a few words of comfort to The Retard before retrieving a crystal to scry for Chrissssty.
"You have no idea who you're dealing with!" a surprisingly forceful Chrissssty seethes down in Hell. She's still bound and blindfolded, by the way, but I've a feeling that won't be lasting much longer. Zar and the hench-imp smirkily discuss their plan to keep Chrissssty in the Crystical cage until the battle between the Glamorous Idiots and The Zombie Triad is over, despite Chrissssty's continuing screams for them to release her immediately. Finally tiring of the bullshit, Chrissssty directs a bit of pyrokinetic mojo at the ropes binding her hands, and they almost instantly drop away from her wrists. Ripping the blindfold from her eyes, she emits a high-pitched squeal and -- in a power display I do hope makes more sense at some point in the future, because it sure as hell makes no sense here -- directs a massive blast of pyrokinesis outwards from her body, demolishing the Crystical cage and immolating the nameless hench-imp before knocking Zar onto his ass at the far side of the underground chamber. "Now it's your turn," Chrissssty glowers, advancing upon the remaining demon, but before she can fry his ass as well, she vanishes in a swirling cloud of glowing golf balls that yank her all the way back up to...
...the nonexistent attic, where she continues her menacing advance for a few steps before pulling herself up short in confusion once she realizes where she is. The Retard is way stoked that her spell worked, not realizing, of course, that the only reason it did so was because Chrissssty first blew apart the Crystical cage down in Hell -- information that Chrissssty is choosing not to share, for some reason. "I was in a cage," she explains vaguely, stammering a bit for effect. "I got out, but then they came after me again." Piper rises from her seat at the table in the center of the room to ask, "What did they want -- did they say?" "I don't know," Chrissssty lies before adding, "I was scared." Piper places her hands on her hips and grits, "The Triad is going to figure out where she is sooner or later -- we need to stop them when we have the chance." Raige orbs out immediately to retrieve Phoebe from The Hagquarters, or wherever the hell she's supposed to be at the moment, while Piper wonders if Chrissssty's okay. Chrissssty assures both remaining women that she's fine, and exits alone to head downstairs to Suicide Boudoir and rest for a while. Piper and The Retard watch her leave, then lock eyes with each other for whatever reason.
Down on the main floor, Chrissssty slinks through the center parlor onto the sun porch, glances around carefully to ensure she's alone, and then rather distractedly presses her hands against the sides of her head. Up pops The Zombie Triad through the floor in formation around her. As the camera tracks slowly in on her face, Chrissssty too calmly allows her hands to drop to her sides before announcing in tones far more composed and confident than we've ever heard her use before, "Someone's impersonating you." DUN! She cocks a brow and smirks, shaking her head slightly at the sheer stupidity of that certain someone until the camera zooms towards her right eye and into the commercial break.
Okay, so remember when I warned you to keep a little running tally of Chrissssty's many social faux-pas earlier in the evening? This last sequence of events, from the destruction of Zar's lair through the summoning of The Zombie Triad, is the apparent payoff for all that. In short, she's been playing both the Manor Morons and her grossly deficient sister all along with that simpering-and-barefoot naïf act of hers, and not only has she secretly been far more competent than those around her, but I'm willing to believe she's been thoroughly trained every tiny little facet of proper human etiquette as well. Hell, I'd even go so far as to wager that The Zombie Triad paid La Banks a tidy sum of cash to train little Miss Chrissssty here on proper runway posture and attitude, so that nonsense with Phoebe's slingbacks at the top of the hour? Also a bit of wily subterfuge on her part. And so I find myself offering Chrissssty a heartfelt "Brava!" for the second week in a row. Way to go, doll. With less than twenty minutes of screentime in total, you've managed to become a far more interesting character than your retarded sister's been all season.
Back on the sun porch, Chrissssty and The Triad snipe at and bicker with each other before getting down to business: The Zombie Triad's apparent leader "Asmodeus" -- and yes, I looked it up in the casting sides, and shut up, because I never would have figured it out otherwise -- quickly realizes that Zar is behind it all, and yet in none of the subsequent babbling does anyone present a solution to that particular problem, because when the demons on this show aren't complete, blithering idiots, they are woefully unfocused and disorganized. No, instead of plotting Zar's downfall, The Zombie Triad and Chrissssty choose instead to discuss matters Retard, specifically Chrissssty's rapidly waning hopes of "getting [The Retard] back" now that the Charmed Ones have The Triad in their crosshairs. "You will," Asmodeus assures her, "just as we promised. You're still the Key, and you're still in perfect position." "Soon you will show her the way," one of the others -- "Fat Dude With The Stupid Earring" (or, you know, "Baliel") -- promises. "If," the final one -- "Candor" -- amends, "we can prevent Zar from doing any more damage." Well, you know, you could always torch him with Flaming Balls Of Death instead of standing around talking about it, IDIOTS. Whatever! CANCELLED! YEEEEEEEEEEE!
Back in the nonexistent attic, The Retard's doing that stupid scrying-by-computer thing that I hate so much. Shut up, Retard. Meanwhile, Piper slams the Book shut with a sigh of frustration just as Raige orbs back into the nonexistent room with the Feebs in tow. Phoebe whinges about Coop for several unnecessary minutes before the assembled ladies settle down to bang their heads together over the far-more-pressing Zombie Triad situation. "What did Cole do?" Raige wonders. Phoebe hasn't a clue, so either they never discussed it -- which I find difficult to believe, given the length of their relationship and the nature of their work -- or she's a boneheaded moron and forgot. You choose. The invocation of the Colethazor's name, however, does give Piper an idea: "Maybe we need a demon to vanquish them." "Whaaaaaah?" bleats The Retard, so Piper plots out her still-gestating plan as best she can using words of five letters or fewer. Or something like that. Basically, all they need do is figure out a way to get one Zombie Triad to kill another Zombie Triad. Once that happens, "the collective" will be weakened to the point that the gals should be able to take out the other two with their own powers. "How do you propose we do that?" Raige squints. "I don't know," Piper snorts. "I'm making this up as I go." Not funny, and shut up, Piper, and why am I getting angry about that, because CANCELLED! Praise Jesus, it's CANCELLED! Long story short, Raige suddenly realizes this might be the final battle The Angel Of Teasley foresaw, and so bails to make nice with Darling Henry. "If something happens to me," she explains when Piper protests, "I don't want the last thing Henry remembers about us is arguing." Um. [Sic]. Raige spazzes her poorly-spoken self out of the nonexistent attic. The remaining Manor Morons exchange Looks Fraught With Significance and sigh.
Hell. Zar and The Zombie Triad sneer at each other for a very lengthy period of time until Candor dusts Zar with a Flaming Ball Of Death. !
The Loneliest Precinct House In The World Of All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me. Just thought I'd try out a new nickname, seeing as how they're not even trying to hide the fact that they're using the same set for both workplaces anymore. Long story short, Raige arrives and drags Darling Henry out into the hallway, where she basically tells him she might die that evening. Cheery! "All right," he says, admirably absorbing that blow while gallantly assuring Raige of his continued faith in her and her abilities, "when you get back, I'm going to marry you as soon as I can -- at the engagement party." "You were supposed to cancel that," Raige breathes, getting all misty-eyed. "I guess I didn't," he shrugs. Just as they move in for a clinch, the camera cuts over to...
...The Prue Halliwell Memorial Bimbo Boudoir Of Paisley Tit Slings And Other Fashion Atrocities, currently occupied by the children's nursery. There follows an utterly pointless scene between Phoebe and Coop -- with a special guest appearance by Crusty Ted -- before Coop hearts on out of there. No, seriously, his heart, like, emits a spray of pink light that eventually suffuses his entire body, which then dematerializes. That was way too brokeback, even for me. Hell, I think that's too brokeback for Johnny frigging Weir. Learn how to squiggle, dude. In any event, Phoebe heaves a sigh and mashes the Fun Bags up against the camera's lens for a second, and then it's back up to...
...the nonexistent attic, where The Retarded Bimbo's determined that The Zombie Triad is hanging out at Not!warts, thanks to that stupid scrying-by-computer thing that I hate so much. The Glamorous Ladies review their plan of attack one last time before clasping hands and orbing towards the detested school. Once left alone with each other, Chrissssty and The Retard perch on Aunt Pearl's settee and link arms, with The Retard insisting, "Whatever happens, we're gonna stick together." "Of course!" Chrissssty chirpily agrees. "That's what sisters are for, right?" The Retard smiles at her before turning her head to stare blankly into the middle distance, because the camera needs to pull a slow pan into Chrissssty's face as her expression hardens right before she shoots a dark sideways glare into the final commercial break, and Kaley Cuoco's too lousy an actress to concoct a believable bit of business for her character during that bit, even though it lasted all of three seconds. HATE.
Not!warts. The camera spins slowly above The Zombie Triad as they telekinetically play with a shimmering mass of sparking electricity suspended above their heads for some reason or another. In a nice -- if not entirely necessary -- little effects shot, the camera passes down through the electric spray itself before swooping past Asmodeus's head just in time to catch the blue glow of Raige's hidden orb cloud as she arrives with her sisters out of sight beneath a table in the school's library. Once they've materialized, the ladies poke their heads out and fret about the task at hand for a bit before Phoebe volunteers herself as demon bait. Turns out that's unnecessary, for The Zombie Triad has sensed their presence, and Candor breaks formation to send a Flaming Ball Of Death buzzing through the air at Piper's head. She deploys the Hands to detonate it in mid-air, but the force of the resulting explosion knocks Piper and Raige against the wall while sending Phoebe hurtling halfway down the hallway beyond. Asmodeus spins another FBOD in Phoebe's direction, but she scrambles to her feet and darts around the far corner just in time to send the thing plowing harmlessly into the wall. Candor heedlessly barrels after her, despite Asmodeus's shouted warning that The Zombie Triad is stronger together. Raige taunts Asmodeus into launching yet another FBOD at herself, and orbs away in a last-minute dodge before Piper finally pops up to draw a bit of Fat Guy With The Stupid Earring's firepower in her direction. The instant he releases the FBOD, Piper flings out a freeze that, because she's dealing with upper-level demons here, sends him, Asmodeus, and the FBOD into slow-motion rather than halting their forward momentum completely. Nevertheless, it gives Raige enough time to shuffle Asmodeus into the FBOD's path with her orbing telekinesis so that when Piper flicks her wrist around to break the freeze, Asmodeus instantly erupts into a gout of fire, howling and blazing his merry way down to The Waste Land. Piper immediately switches to the Mighty Hands Of Discontent, and dispatches the woefully weakened Fat Guy With The Stupid Earring with a mere three blasts. Candor returns from his wasted chase after the Feebs just in time to watch Fat Guy go boom and, quickly realizing he's now sorely outnumbered, dissolves into a downwardly disappearing column of smeary Triad teleportation.
The ladies regroup, with Piper anxiously wondering why her Dolt has yet to be restored to her. Phoebe guesses there exists a threat greater than The Zombie Triad. Raige rolls her eyes at this as any right-thinking person should, but Piper looks upset, because she misses her gargoyle-faced ice pop. Aw. Not. CANCELLED!
"I don't understand," Piper gripes once the three have orbed back to the Manor's main hall. "What could be a bigger threat than The Triad?" "Is everything okay?" Chrissssty wonders as she and The Retard arrive on the lower stairwell landing from above. "We got The Triad," Phoebe confirms, "but we think there's a bigger threat out there." "Did They say that?" Chrissssty wonders, with a craftily manufactured expression of ingenuousness on her face. Piper sighs that They didn't need to say anything, because if The Zombie Triad were the end of the line, she'd have her Doltsicle back. Raige makes comforting noises, so Piper rewards her by reminding her that they have a party to throw the following evening. "I've been thinking about that, actually," Raige grins, "and I'll do it on one condition -- if we can just turn it into a wedding instead."
Piper's about to make some sort of quippy remark when the lights suddenly dim, the soundtrack audibly slows, and the Manor Morons plus The Retard fall into a freeze. Chrissssty tensely darts her eyes around until the remaining Triad materializes in the center of the main hall. "What are we supposed to do now?" she demands as she leaves her sister's side to approach him. "We stay the course," he replies, calmly enough for one whose Nefarious Demonic Plot For World Domination just crumbled so spectacularly around him. "It was always about you," Candor reminds Chrissssty. "We've taught you all we know, shown you the way. Now you must go forward alone to fulfill your destiny to unite with The Ultimate Power." With that, they both turn their heads to stare at the frozen Retard, because yes, The Retarded Bimbo is actually The Ultimate Power, and yes, the very idea that The Retarded Bimbo would turn out to be this show's Ultimate Power is a sucker punch of an insult to everyone who's faithfully watched it for the last seven-and-a-half years, and yes, I should be ranting and raving about it in all caps right now, but you know what? CANCELLED! THIS SHIT IS CANCELLED! AND BRAD KERN WILL NEVER WORK IN HOLLYWOOD AGAIN BECAUSE DAWN OSTROFF IS NOW MY BEAUTIFUL BRIDE AND THROUGH HER I HAVE MANY, MANY CONNECTIONS IN THE INDUSTRY AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT BRAD KERN ENDS UP LIVING IN A CARDBOARD BOX IN MACARTHUR PARK BECAUSE I HATE HIS TALENT-FREE ASS SO MUCH! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA! CANCELLED!
Now, where was I? Oh, yes. "The end result is all that matters," Candor insists. "You must save your sister." Chrissssty nods solemnly enough at that, and turns to rejoin Maggot Neck on the stairs as soon as Candor once more melts down through the carpet, bound for points unknown. As soon as Chrissssty's safely in place, the lights rise, and Piper and Phoebe unfreeze to grin at Raige. "Absolutely," Piper replies, obliviously picking it all up right where she left off, "though it is sort of short notice. I might need some magical assistance." "Let's do it!" Phoebe enthuses. After a round of smiles, the gals head off into the kitchen, followed quickly enough by The Retard. Chrissssty, however, lingers long enough on the stairs for The Retard to wonder what gives. Chrissssty's all, "Nothing! Everything's fine!" as she snaps out of her demonically induced funk to follow The Retard towards the back of the house. At the last instant, though, everything switches into slow-motion as Chrissssty swings her head around to glance back over her shoulder into the apparently empty front hall. DUN! AGAIN!
The Closing Travelogue spins us around the nighttime city before taking in the dawn and depositing us back at the Manor at some point the following afternoon. Up in the Bridal Boudoir -- and you can tell it's Piper's room because of the fireplace in the mirror's reflection -- Raige sits at the vanity with hair in curlers, applying her makeup. Phoebe and Piper approach, already clad in their bridesmaids' dresses, and I have to admit: despite the fabric's off-putting resemblance to certain flocked wallpapers I recall from various suburban ranch houses circa 1974, the gowns are easily the most flattering bridesmaids' dresses I've ever seen on this show. Go figure. Piper asks if Raige is certain she wouldn't like to borrow Piper's own bridal attire for the occasion. "Yeah," Raige replies, "yeah, I am." "All right!" Piper smirks. "Let's go conjure you a very special dress!" So much for those pesky prohibitions on personal gain, huh? CANCELLED!
Sometime later, we find ourselves down in the dining room, where The Dead-Eyed Psycho's silently and telekinetically peppering the moist interior of Raige's wedding cake with ground glass. When Darling Henry approaches, however, The Psycho pretends he was just surreptitiously swiping a little icing. Wicked child. Eventually, Darling Henry leads The Dead-Eyed Ringbearer onto the sun porch, where about thirty people we've never seen before and shall never see again await the start of the ceremony. Chrissssty and The Retard are the last of the guests to take their seats, which they do just before Piper and Phoebe gracelessly clomp through the room to park themselves to the female Episcopal minister conducting the service, despite the fact that Raige is Catholic. La, la, la, la! Moving along! Incidentally, Piper's dumped Tiny Gay Chris onto The Retard's lap for the proceedings, and Coop's invited himself, because he loves weddings. Just so you know. Rose McGowan eventually appears on the stairs in what I've read is a vintage wedding gown they pulled from a Los Angeles area costume supplier's at her insistence (and NOT because they no longer have the costuming budget to sling these women in Vera Wang whenever the occasion calls for it, so SHUT UP YOU HATAHS), and good call on McGowan's part if that's true, because this antique ivory lace construction combined with -- let's face it -- her striking good looks easily make her the loveliest bride I've seen on this show in the last seven and a half years. Raige makes her way through the center parlor and down the tiny aisle on the sun porch. After Darling Henry marvels at how beautiful she is, the ceremony begins.
And that ceremony? Is a two-minute-long glamour-shot montage of each and every regular cast member, including the terrifyingly Dead-Eyed Psycho and Tiny Gay Chris. The minister's words fade in and out so we catch only the briefest of excerpts, most anviliciously when she remarks that "the trick is learning to receive this love with as much understanding as you can give it" just as the montage lands on Coop, before shifting back again to Phoebe for what has to be the eighth time in the sequence. Raige and Henry take the more-or-less traditional route when it comes to the vows, promising simply to "honor, love, and cherish" each other "through all the seasons of life," so no barf-inducing soul-mate crap this time around, and thank God for small mercies, I suppose, because this fucking thing is endless. At long last, the minister announces, "You may now kiss the bride," and Henry does, and everyone present rises into a standing ovation, and the shot pans down the aisle away from the beaming bridal party as we finally fade to black.
up: One final weeks-long break before the last six episodes start airing April 16th. Happy cancellation, everybody! Shots are on me! Woo hoo!