Previously on God Bless Les Moonves, it wassss raining outsssside the night the Retard'ssss ssssisssster wassss taken, the lisssspy Bimbo found a sssstrange ssssymbol in Chrissssty'ssss diary, Raige dropped the bitchcraft bomb on Darling Henry's fuzzy head, the Dolt got Dolt-popped, Piper freaked about her big hard icy Doltsicle, and Phoebe was of no use to anyone.
Currently on This Shit Is So Cancelled And I For One Could Not Be Happier About That, the camera fades up to circle around a length of ivory carved -- vaguely Chinese-style -- into the shape of a serpent. The thing hangs suspended in mid-air in some otherworldly forest clearing while the words "ONE YEAR AGO" appear on the bottom of the screen. The camera then quickly swirls up and out for an overhead shot, revealing that the ivory serpent's hovering behind a sextet of red-robed Asian gentlemen who have, with hands outstretched, thrown up a pinkish protective barrier of shimmery, glowing mojo, against which a torrent of Flaming Balls Of Death explode. The source of the FBOD storm is a group of seven darkly garbed dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell, who stand on the opposite side of the clearing from the Asian gentlemen, separated from the latter by a familiar little wooden bridge. Way to recycle five-year-old sets in light of the current budgetary crisis afflicting your show, guys. After more than a dozen FBODs sizzle out harmlessly against the Asian gentlemen's mojo bubble, the demon's apparent leader -- a rather attractive twentysomething British stage actor by the name of Julian Ovenden who's starred in successful Sondheim revivals at The Donmar Warehouse, and who must therefore fire his current agent if Charmed is the best the bastard can book for him on this side of the Atlantic -- calls out, "Enough!" and gets a little pouty. Aw. The Asian gentlemen allow their shield to drop, and their apparent leader -- who has a golden rooster silk-screened onto the front of his robe -- steps forward to gloat, "Each year you try, and each year you fail. Wresting the staff from sacred hands is the goal of a fool, Novak." And difficult though it may be for me, I shall resist referring to Julian Ovenden's character as "Madeleine," "Mildred," "Lola," or "Polly The Pistol." In any event, one of Kentucky Fried Chicken's colleagues -- this one with a golden dog adorning his robe -- shuffles to his side to add, "And we will always protect The Eternal Cycle. You should know that by now." Novak instantly snots back, "Except to do that, you have to be lucky every year. To get it, I only have to be lucky once!" And with that, he wings one last Flaming Ball Of Death around the Asian gentlemen's group and into a piece of yellow silk that had been dangling from a frame at the far end of the clearing. The FBOD explodes violently, engulfing in flames a symbol that had been painted in red on the thing -- a symbol several on the boards have since identified as a more-or-less accurate rendition of the Chinese character for "eternity." Novak sneers a bit and squiggles out with his henchdemons as KFC and Doberman glare. The camera focuses on the blazing pennant for a moment before cross-fading to...
...a series of time-lapse shots, first of a nighttime corner in San Francisco's Chinatown, followed by early morning traffic at the Golden Gate Bridge's Art-Deco tollbooths, before finally landing on the Manor's façade. "Did you give this to me last year?" Phoebe shrieks from inside, and I already want to kill her, even though I haven't actually seen her yet this evening. Bitch. The camera ducks inside the house and up into the nonexistent attic, where Piper's futzing around with the copper potions pot in the center of the room as Phoebe enters a-yodeling from the upper stairs with something electronic in her bony hands. "Or did I give this to you?" Phoebe continues, crossing towards Piper's side. By the way, the words "PRESENT DAY" have barged in at the bottom of the screen, just so you know. Piper, who'd been completely ignoring her shrill hag of a sister, eventually spins around when Phoebe issues a harsh whistle. "Hey!" Piper growls upon catching sight of the electronic thing in Phoebe's bony hands. "That's my TiVo! You can't take that!" I think you should deploy the Mighty Hands Of Discontent on her worthless ass just for trying, Piper. Go ahead. You know you want to. She ignores me. Piper always ignores me. "I'm not taking," Phoebe smirks, "I'm asking -- and are you sure it's yours? 'Cause it has all my season passes on it." I so do not want to know what Phoebe's season passes are for -- I'm terrified at the possibility of discovering she watches the same shows I do, you see, because if that were the case, I'd have to kill myself. You understand.
In any event, Piper whatevers that she herself has precious little time to watch anything, anyway, what with the kids (who are evidently visiting George and Gracie at The Cetacean Institute in Sausalito with their grandfather, just FYI) and the nightclub and the housekeeping and -- oh, yeah -- that massive Doltsicle of a husband of hers that she's determined to retrieve from The Angel Of Teasley's great big Sub-Zero in the sky if it's the last thing she does, dammit, and which you have yet to left a finger to help her on, PHOEBE. God, I hate her. ANY-way, Piper's been "magically divining" for some leads on the Doltsicle issue -- thus, the smoky potions pot -- but it hasn't been working, for whatever reason. Phoebe offers her assistance, but Piper orders Phoebe to her new digs thusly: "No buts! I gave the same speech to [Raige] -- this is not your burden to bear. It's mine." The Angel Of Teasley instantly arrives in the nonexistent attic upon a burst of glowy golden mojo to beat both of these idiots senseless while screaming, "What part of 'there's one more battle on the horizon for you three, one unlike you've ever faced before, one you won't see coming, and one you may not survive' did you ignorant bitches not understand? ALL THREE OF YOU ARE IN THIS TOGETHER, YOU ASSHOLES." And with that, The Angel Of Teasley disappears once more to shoot spiteful spitballs at the gargoyle-faced man-pop who's been hogging all the space in her walk-in freezer for the last three months. Or maybe that all happened in my head, and what actually happens is that Piper and Phoebe banter with each other for a lengthy period of time before turning to head back downstairs, in the process just missing a sudden eruption from the potions pot. The camera, however, has coyly lingered in the nonexistent room, and now pans down into the thing to reveal that the Chinese character for "eternity" has blazed itself into existence on the surface of the mix at the bottom of the bowl. Eternity wavers on the screen for a moment before vanishing into the opening credits.
The camera pulls a slow pan up the front of the GOLDEN PARK apartment building and lands on the balcony of the penthouse before cutting inside what DiePhoebeDie and payndz have mutually christened "The Hagquarters," where the hag of the household herself hangs a picture on the bedroom wall before crossing through the massive living room to answer the doorbell. It's the Retarded Bimbo with a housewarming plant, and you can insert your own joke about which of these two arrivals has the higher IQ, because Maggot Neck is sporting a pair of low-riders that are exposing far too much of her lower abdomen for my taste AND she's got a horrific set of stringy, bleached-out bangs dangling in her vacant eyes, and I hate her, and I want to die. The lispy Retard instantly makes herself at home, despite Phoebe's none-too-subtle hints that she'd like to be left alone for a while, and the unfunniness that follows lasts about three years before the Retard finally gets the message and skedaddles back to the Manor to assist Piper with the divining and such, in the process revealing a tattoo on her lower back that I never needed to know about, and thanks for absolutely nothing, RETARD. Just as Phoebe shuts the door behind the lispy abomination, Raige orbs unannounced into The Hagquarters's living room, eliciting near ultrasonic howls of anger and dismay from the Feebs. "You told me I could stop by any time!" Raige protests. "I meant like a normal person!" Phoebe yowls. "You know, like knock first!" Raige snippily disappears on a shrieking orb cloud, rematerializes in the hallway outside, knocks, reenters The Hagquarters when Phoebe opens the door, and launches herself into a dizzy explanation of her Issue Of The Week, which involves Darling Henry and his apparently troubling delayed reaction to her bitchcraft bomb. Long story short, Darling Hank's wondering why the Manor Morons don't use their powers to, say, solve the ongoing crisis in the Middle East or end world hunger or whatever -- "valid" concerns, according to Raige, but ones she finds herself incapable of addressing. "Just be patient with him," Phoebe counsels, "and maybe try not to explain it from a magical perspective -- you know, try to use terms that he understands. Keep it simple." Raige gets a crafty look in her eye and twitches her moustache, so you know her subplot's going to suck tonight, and shouldn't we all be watching the Olympics anyway? Poor Apolo. Bode can suck it, though. In any event, Raige orbs on out of there just as Phoebe's doorbell rings once more. It's some marble-mouthed himbo who looks like he's all of eighteen years old, there to "RSVP for the housewarming party." As Phoebe's panties flood, the screen flares white to dump us in...
...Not!warts, where a short, shorn-headed gent leads a team of eight henchdemons as they lug a rough-hewn sarcophagus into the hated school's library, where they place the faux-stone coffin upon the faux-marble flooring. A couple of the henchdemons manfully struggle with the lid, eventually sliding it aside to reveal Novak lying inside the thing in an apparent state of suspended animation, and my, but Julian Ovenden's a pretty, pretty man. The shorn-headed gent, whom the Internet Movie Database identifies as "Magnus," intones, "It's time," so Novak opens his eyes and squiggles out of the sarcophagus to settle his fine self upon one of the library's sofas. Casually propping his feet up on the coffee table and somewhat dismissive of his surroundings, he wonders, "And...where am I?" Heh. He receives the expected and tiresome response, along with a truckload of exposition from Magnus.
Basically, Novak and his henchdemons go up against the "Zodiacs" every year in an attempt to gain control of the ivory serpent, and every year, Novak's failed, despite conserving all of his energy for the battle by entombing himself in that sarcophagus. Just go with it. Also, the battle always takes place right before the staff's "hand-off," which, as you've likely guessed by now, occurs on Chinese New Year's, when the current year's expiring sign passes the serpent to the sign in the cycle. To that end, Novak asks if Magnus has been tracking Kentucky Fried Chicken, because this episode is apparently taking place on January 29th, despite the fact that everyone celebrated The Dead-Eyed Psycho's February 2nd birthday four weeks ago. I hate this show, but that's not terribly important at this moment. No, what is important is that in his response to Novak's question, Magnus manages to shit all over this episode's internal continuity, because this show sucks, and I want to die. Magnus has cunningly been tracking "Lo Pan" (which, groan, though it is also a nod to former guest star James Hong) instead, you see, as Lo Pan -- despite being "some lowly servant" of the Zodiacs' -- "is responsible for where the hand-off occurs." "He alone knows the location of The Sacred Garden," Magnus insists, and shut up, Magnus, because no, he's not alone in knowing the location of the Sacred Garden as the very first scene of the episode showed all of us a mere eight minutes ago, and drop dead, and fuck you, and drop dead some more, and eat shit and die, and fall off a cliff, and drop dead some more, again, and God, I hate this show. In any event, Novak and the henchdemons are supposed to trail Lo Pan to The Sacred Garden, or something, and lie in wait for Kentucky Fried Chicken, who'll be the first Zodiac to show up, which Novak should already know, because Novak's been pursuing this particular goal of his for "decades," and I can't think about this stupid shit any more because I'm about to stroke out in anger and frustration, so I'll just watch as pretty, pretty Julian Ovenden and his crispily gelled hair smile for a bit until the screen flares white once more to whisk us back over to...
...the Manor, where the Retarded Bimbo's grinding up some sort of root in the nonexistent attic. Piper enters, and, after much inappropriate and unwarranted kissing of the Bimbo's ass, stands by as the Bimbo flings a pinch of the ground root into the potions pot. The subsequent eruption reveals the Eternity character Piper had missed earlier because Phoebe was being an irksome, TiVo-stealing bitch. "Bingo!" breathes the Bimbo as the camera pans in on glowing symbol, which presently morphs into...
...a version of itself in blue paint on the picture window of a launderer's storefront in Chinatown. Infuriatingly enough for many on the boards when this episode initially aired, Eternity's painted so that anyone passing outside will see it backwards, but that particular source of irritation blew right past me, as I assumed after the scene that follows that it faced inwards to offer some sort of protection for what actually resides in the store. Oh, who am I kidding? That particular source of irritation blew right past me when this episode initially aired because I was watching the Short Track Speed Skating on NBC instead. You should have heard my roommate's screams of anguish when poor Apolo went spinning off into the wall during his second preliminary. Wailing. Gnashing of teeth. Tearing of hair. Rending of clothes. I couldn't stop laughing. Anyway, Piper and the Retarded Bimbo enter the laundry for a meet-and-greet with the owner, who's played by veteran character actor and professional non-Chinese Chinese man Clyde Kusatsu. And I say "professional non-Chinese Chinese man" because he's been popping up as characters with names like "Rev. Chong," "Sgt. Michael Yee," and "Judge Stephen Chin" on everything from All In The Family to The Practice for more than thirty years, despite being of obvious Japanese extraction. Needless to say, tonight he's our Lo Pan, and yes, I am aware of what happens to Lo Pan later this evening, and yes, you are correct in assuming I'm trying mightily not to refer to him as "General Tso." Spoiler!
After a tentative introduction and some weirdly coded conversation, Lo Pan quickly realizes that Piper, drawn into the shop by the Eternity symbol, has "answered [his] call, and not a moment too soon." "I think we've got our wires crossed somehow," Piper protests, "'cause I'm just looking to save a husband." "And now you're here to help save us all," Lo Pan continues for her as a thumping noise hits the soundtrack from deep within the shop. He hustles to the back wall, followed quickly by the Retarded Bimbo and, eventually, a flustered Piper, who gapes appropriately when Lo Pan vanishes in a swirl through a wall-hanging adorned with the hand-brushed image of a Chinese-style gateway. "Whoa," Keanus the Retard. "What was that?" "Forget it, Jenkins," Piper snarks while latching onto the Bimbo's hand. "It's Chinatown." Wah. Wah. Waaaaaah. With that, Piper and Maggot Neck step forward to swirl through the painted gate themselves, ending up in...
...The Sacred Garden that certain demons who need to play in traffic would have us believe is so difficult to find. The women scurry down a small set of steps just behind Lo Pan and goggle at the battle already in progress between the staff-toting Kentucky Fried Chicken and Novak's minions. KFC manages to repel a few Flaming Balls Of Death, but one eventually plows straight into his chest, hurling him backwards through the air to land face-down in a lily-bedecked pool of water. Novak smirks adorably and ambles towards the ivory serpent, which fell to the grass in the middle of the struggle. "Don't let him get the staff!" Lo Pan cries, so the Bimbo flicks a little telekinetic energy at the thing to send it skittering to the opposite end of the clearing. "Your turn!" Maggot Neck perks in Piper's direction, so Piper unleashes the Mighty Hands Of Discontent. Fortunately for those of us eager to keep the eye-candy around for the rest of this godforsaken episode at the very least, Piper's three blasts of explosive mojo burst harmlessly on Novak's shoulders before he and his henchdemons beat a strategic retreat by squiggling the hell out of there. Lo Pan rushes to Kentucky Fried Chicken's side, but it's too late. The very much dead KFC glows white before dissolving into thousands of tiny white lights that vanish upwards. "This has never happened before," whispers Lo Pan, alarmed. "A Zodiac, dying?" He lifts his eyes to Piper's and concludes, "It's now on you to protect the staff." Piper's face slides through astonishment and annoyance before settling into one of her patented "Oh, crap!" expressions just before she and the lispy Retard fall into the first commercial break.
"Look, mister," Piper exasperates upon our return, "no offense, but I'm just trying to save my husband. Not some stick." Hee. "This is not a stick," Lo Pan testily corrects her, getting his undies in a wad in the process. "It is Buddha's mystical staff," he continues, and the dirty-minded twelve-year-old inside of me starts giggling like a madman at that, and God knows how Clyde Kusatsu delivered that line with a straight face, but lets keep this moving, shall we? "It must be passed to the Zodiac at the New Year," Lo Pan warns, "or the Eternal Cycle ends." "Before we hit Expossssition Ssssity here," the Bimbo interrupts, "what'ssss with the laundry on the outsssside and thissss crazssssy green plasssse on the insssside?" and shut up with the "before we hit Exposition City" bullshit, Retard, because that question of yours just tossed us into the locality in question. Idiot. Long story short, Lo Pan's family's been guarding The Sacred Garden for centuries, but now that Novak's managed to off one of the Zodiacs, the whole set-up's in danger of collapsing, raining death and destruction upon the world as a result, or whatever. Piper's to safeguard Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake until the New Year ceremony can take place that evening at midnight. However, she must "be of clear mind so as not to unduly influence" those around her with her personality. This might easily happen because Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake amplifies the character traits of the entity who possesses it, which is why, for example, everyone born in The Year Of The Tiger is vain, quarrelsome, overly aggressive, and utterly lacking in foresight. Right, Bimbo? I'm totally guessing here, by the way, because they never really explain it fully on the show. Not that I care, mind you, but whatever. In any event, the Retard's to remain in The Sacred Garden with Lo Pan to make some sense out of Novak's attacks, and also to annoy every single living being in this and all other galaxies with her asinine subplot of the evening. Ooops. Spoiler, again! Incidentally, Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake has not only been hanging in mid-air during all of this, it's also been subtly undulating in a very special and senseless effect. Just thought you'd like to know. Piper eyes Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake with wary impatience for a moment before snatching it out of the air.
Not!warts. Dimwitted Magnus insists they call off their scheduled attack, but Novak -- who really knows how to work the sharply tailored calf-length coats, by the way -- smacks this ridiculous idea down by reminding everyone that "unprecedented progress" has already been made this time around, what with the dead Zodiac and Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake falling into non-sacred hands for the first time ever. All the demons need do is broadcast this news throughout the magical world. The remaining Zodiacs will, in turn, emerge from hiding to retrieve the Mystical Trouser Snake, and when the demons resume tracking the Zodiacs, the Zodiacs will lead them directly to the staff. Simple, yes? Though, you know, you'd think Novak and his henchdemons would have recognized Piper, what with her being the leader of the superwonderful Charmed Ones and everything, and so would simply charge the Manor now instead of waiting for the stupid Zodiacs to lead the way, but again: I'm actually watching the Olympics, so whatever. Speaking of which, you know I'm all for athletic excellence being paramount and whatnot, but would it kill those goddamned snowboarders to moisturize every once in a while? I keep expecting their horribly chapped lips to burst open and spray the cameras with blood. Carmex, people. Look into it. Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Novak smiles as the screen flares white once more to zap us back to...
...the Manor, where we join Raige's pointless subplot already in progress. Raige leads Darling Henry through the foyer and onto the sun porch, all the while babbling about their relationship and his supposed problems with the magical world, and then proceeds to humiliate him by having him perch his adorably gangly six-foot-something frame on one of The Dead-Eyed Psycho's weeny little kindergarten chairs while she draws stick figures of axe murderers and demons on a handy pad and patronizingly explains the difference between the two, and while Ivan Sergei is being his usual lovable self during all of this, the dialogue's so choppy and nonsensical and poorly written, and Berkeley-educated Raige should be able to explain the situation far more succinctly, that I totally don't care about any of this. The upshot of it all is that Darling Hank still doesn't understand why Raige and her sisters don't use their powers to vanquish poverty. Yawn. He exits to answer his cell just as Piper enters with Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake. Because Piper is never of clear mind, ever, the stick immediately amplifies her inherent stubbornness and obstinacy (she's an Ox, you'll recall) to emit a stream of red mojo that floods Raige's body. Neither Glamorous Lady makes note of this, of course, because everyone on this show is a drooling idiot. Raige instantly adopts Piper's, uh, single-minded sense of purpose, and bails to "help Henry," despite the fact that Darling Henry's in no sort of trouble at the moment, because this show is ass, and I want to die. Piper, outraged, splutters and babbles to herself for a moment before shooting a death glare at Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake and snarling, "What are you looking at?" Heh.
The Secret Garden, and I so don't care about any of this bullshit, either, especially as it involves yet another power advance for the Retarded Bimbo. Assholes. Long story short, Lo Pan goes all Retard Sensei on the Bimbo's oddly proportioned ass and gets her to channel her projection power appropriately enough to revivify a dying tree. The Bimbo's overly glossed lips are way stoked. Zip it, Maggot Neck.
Meanwhile, back at the Manor, Piper, apparently having heard some noise, descends the main stairs to call into the seemingly empty foyer, "Hello?" Receiving no response, she turns to head back up to the second floor when the zing of an off-screen magical transportation system assaults her ears, followed by Doberman barking, "The staff belongs to us!" "And you would be?" inquires Piper far too politely -- and far too stupidly, like, Piper. Hon. Chinese Zodiac. It's printed on the front of his goddamned robe. Get a frigging grip, woman. Doberman introduces himself as four of his brethren materialize beside him. As Piper tentatively clears her throat and nervously tosses Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake from one hand to the other, Doberman steps forward with arms outstretched to demand, "The staff, or your life." Piper blinks a bit and flips her glossy mane of hair around into the commercial break.
Back from the break, Doberman makes some more threatening noises until Piper finally waves a hand around in the air all, "Look, there's nothing I'd love better than to get rid of this thing." Unfortunately, before she can finish her thought, Doberman takes to the air on a suddenly appearing cloud of mojo and shoots up the lower stairs with fist extended to sock Piper in the jaw. Piper thinks fast and far too amusingly deploys Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake as a baseball bat to knock Doberman out of his mojo cloud and into a rather graceless slide across the foyer floor on his ass. "Kill her!" he screams, so his fellow signs erect their pink mojo barrier from the top of the hour, because why? That's right: Every single person on this show is a fucking moron. Piper flicks her wrist a couple of times to unleash a Hand, but it has no effect against the shimmery bubble. She finally gives up and lays it on the line for the intruders: "How would you guys like [Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake] in pieces? One for each of you?" Doberman silently freaks.
Over in The Stupid Garden, Sensei Retard coaches the lispy Bimbo into a hallucination of missssssssing Chrissssty'ssss ssssecret location. Well, it's not so much a hallucination as it is the Retard bending the space/time continuum with her superspecial superfabulous new thought power to propel herself into the past. I'm pretty sure. I think. Oh, fuck it. In all honesty, I switched back to Turin at this point the first time this aired, and I am in no way inclined to puzzle it all out now, because I hate this character and I hate this character's ssssisssster and none of this matters anyway because THIS SHOW IS SO CANCELLED. CANCELLED, DO YOU HEAR ME? The Retard presently opens her eyes to find herself in a dank, dark Underworld cavern. After screeching for Lo Pan for a while, she finally shuts up long enough to realize there's someone else in the chamber with her. It's Chrissssty, but she appears to be about the same age she was the night she was abducted. When it wassss raining outsssside. "Unbelievable," murmurs the Bimbo. No, asshole, unbelievable is Shani Davis bailing on the Mens' Speed Skating Team Pursuit at the last minute and then pulling that obliviously self-destructive "it's all about me" bullshit at a press conference afterwards. Unbelievable is that not only is Half-Pipe an Olympic sport, but also that it's apparently judged on "artistic merit," as if any of those snowboarding potheads had a single artistic bone in their bodies. Unbelievable is that some people still think Johnny Weir is straight. This subplot of yours, on the other hand? Is just fucking annoying.
Back in the Manor, Doberman's in a decidedly more affable mood as he assures Piper, "We do not wish to harm you. We thought you had stolen the sacred staff." "Don't you guys talk to each other?" she frowns. Much gross stupidity follows when Doberman terms Lo Pan a mere "servant" "who speaks only when spoken to" and who "should have hidden The Sacred Garden better from the demons," and shut up, Doberman, and drop fucking dead, for all the same reasons I screamed in Dumb Magnus's direction earlier. Piper huffily reminds Doberman that had Lo Pan not anticipated this latest attack, the demons in question would already be in possession of Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake, and I don't want to tell Piper to shut up, too, but...shut up, Piper. Novak's been peppering the transfer ceremony with Flaming Balls Of Death each and every goddamned year for decades, so everyone involved should have anticipated this latest attack. Uch. This show. I swear to God. "Point taken," Doberman concedes despite my howls of agony, thus somehow cementing the truce between the Signs and Piper, for she sighs, "So I guess you guys heard about Chicken," and he doesn't reply by pelting her in the teeth with his sandal for her cultural insensitivity. Heh.
And then there's more raging brainlessness when Piper simply offers to hand Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake over to the remaining Signs, who decline because transferring the thing before midnight would upset the balance, but since the balance is already upset what with "Buffalo" Piper holding the thing during the closing hours of dead Kentucky Fried Chicken's year and all, and especially considering what happens at the end of the episode when the Zodiacs elevate Lo Pan to...you know what? Fuck it. I want this over with. Now. So long story short, the Signs refuse to accept Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake from Piper just as Pretty Pretty Novak appears with his minions to cremate everyone with some Flaming Balls Of Death. Doberman instantly swirls around Piper in that mojo cloud of his and scoots her onto the front porch while his brethren engage the demonic invaders. "Go! You must protect the staff!" Doberman shouts before turning to disappear back into the Manor. "What about my house?" Piper shrills. "Only [Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake] matters!" Doberman yells. And with that, he clouds off to join the loud tussling in the Manor's foyer. Piper rolls her eyes and screams for Raige, who just this instant is...
...orbing onto the top of the Golden Gate Bridge with Darling Henry who, much like Daddy Dearest before him, looks like he's about to hurl. Heh. Raige, unduly influenced by Piper's personality because of her earlier run-in with Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake, remains focused solely upon forcing Darling Hank to accept her poorly defined vision of the magical community's overall mission, rather than allowing him to reach his own conclusions on the matter -- and at the expense of all others who might need her assistance at this moment, as Piper discovers when she finally manages to raise Raige on her cell. Piper, scooting through town in the Grand Cherokee with Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake rather friskily bopping around in the back seat, tries and fails to convince Raige of the urgency of the issue at hand just as Darling Hank sidles a little too close to the edge of the support tower. A sudden gust of wind sends him toppling towards the road deck far below, leading Raige to end her conversation with Piper rather abruptly in favor of saving her boyfriend's ass. There's an embarrassingly amusing moment back in the Grand Cherokee wherein Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake dances around of its own accord, leading Piper to snarl, "Don't make me come back there!" before we head back to the top of the bridge for some unfunny business between Raige and Darling Hank, and then it's off to...
...The Hagquarters, where Phoebe's housewarming party is already in full swing as she flirts with the marble-mouthed himbo for far too long until the doorbell rings. It's a seriously unhappy Piper at the door, and when she drags her selfish hag of a sister into the hall, an inexcusably rushed and therefore utterly inexplicable sequence of events follows, in which Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake initially infuses Phoebe with Piper's personality and then, when Piper pushes the staff into Phoebe's hands, floods with Phoebe's personality to infect first Piper, followed by everyone at Phoebe's bash. Now, I'm no expert on the Chinese Zodiac, but nothing I've found indicates that the influence of Phoebe's personality type should instantly drive Piper out of The Hagquarters and towards The Cetacean Institute in Sausalito to be with her kids, nor should it immediately transform everyone at Phoebe's soiree into a rampaging slut. And yet, that's exactly what happens, on both counts. Goddamned crackmonkeys. Well, okay, maybe it does make a tiny little bit of sense for Phoebe to turn all of the people around her into rabidly whorish tramps, am I right? Oh, whatever. I so do not care anymore. Is this scene over yet? It is? Good.
Back at the Manor, Raige orbs in alone for a never-to-be-explained reason to find the place basically destroyed by the massive battle that's taken place between the demons and the Signs. Pretty Pretty Novak, suddenly rushing past her, accidentally slams her to the floor as he and his minions flee the scene, followed closely by Doberman and the other Zodiacs. Raige pushes herself up onto her elbow, squints, rubs the back of her neck with one hand, and twitches her moustache into the commercial break.
Manor. Immediate aftermath. Phoebe comes clattering through the front door with Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake wrapped in a shawl for, as we shall shortly hear, she's managed to figure out that the thing exerts an odd influence over people if they touch it, which...yeah. Lo Pan and Piper should have figured that protective shawl thing out about a half an hour ago, but whatever. CANCELLED! Raige, meanwhile, confirms that she's apparently no longer under the staff's influence -- or Piper's personality's influence, or whatever's influence -- and guesses Pretty Pretty Novak knocked the errant mojo out of her when he shoved her to the floor. Yeah. Sure. We'll go with that, because CANCELLED! Phoebe quickly determines they must find Piper, and fast. She whips out her Blackberry to make the call as Raige rubs her battered neck again and the shot cuts over to...
...the Retarded Bimbo's hallucination, or whatever the hell it is. Chrissssty's gulping and gasping her way through a vague but horribly frightened description of her captors, and I have to admit: the girl they hired to play Chrissssty this evening is doing a lovely job conveying the character's abject terror and whatnot, but, you know. It's Chrissssty and the Retard. Who the fuck cares? Besides Brad Kern, of course. Pervert. And let's face it, the child actress is playing all of this opposite the typically slack-jawed and vacant-eyed Kaley Cuoco, so this kid doesn't exactly have to be a preadolescent Zoe Caldwell to seem preternaturally gifted by comparison. Stupid Bimbo.
Anyway, during the lengthy scene that follows, we learn that Chrissssty's unaware of her powers, and that the demons who kidnapped her have forced her to wear a pendant patterned after the same doodle the Bimbo found in Chrissssty's diary. Seems all of the demons in this particular tribe sport the symbol as a means of identification, or something. When the demons in question start grumbling amongst themselves immediately outside the cell's door, Chrissssty panics herself back into the shadowy niche from which she initially emerged as the Bimbo screams repeatedly for Lo Pan to rescue them. The screaming, alas, serves only to transport the Bimbo back to The Stupid Garden, where Maggot Neck immediately fires question after question at Sensei Retard. "I don't understand at all," she states at one point -- like, huge surprise there. "She was a kid, barely older than when she was taken." "She was vulnerable and open to you," Sensei Retard replies. "That's why your power took you to that time, before she changed." Is that a DUN!? I guess we can take that as a DUN!, especially because the episode is entitled -- and I shit you not -- "The Last Temptation Of Christy." Still, it's a pretty piss-poor DUN!, if you ask me, and I've certainly seen my share of DUN!s over the last six years. This stupid show. They really should have given it the axe last season. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Maggot Neck's a bit surprised to realize she's still holding onto Chrissssty's demonic pendant, but Sensei Retard assures her that it means, uh -- it means.... No, seriously, I can figure this one out on my own -- it means that she'll be able to help her sister after she helps him restore the Eternal Chinese Zodiac Cycle Of Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake to health again, right? Sure. We'll go with that. And...scene.
Elsewhere in the city, Piper's changing her tire while assuring The Dead-Eyed Psycho via her cell phone that she'll be joining him and his younger and eventually far-prettier brother at The Cetacean Institute in Sausalito within the hour. In the middle of the night. No, I am not kidding with that, though Lord, how I wish I were. Pretty Pretty Novak pops up behind her to suggest that she might want to rethink those plans. Piper's all, "D'oh!"
Manor. Phoebe's had no success contacting Piper, and suggests they employ the "To Call A Lost Witch" spell. "It's not gonna work unless she's actually lost," Raige duhs. "She could just be spending time with the boys," Raige continues, bright-siding the entire situation, "which would be a good thing, right?" "Until the world turns evil," Phoebe glooms. "Which you're about to help me with!" the suddenly appearing Pretty Pretty Novak sunnily chimes out from off-screen. I do so love it when demons enjoy their work on this show. The camera pulls a quick pan to the left to reveal Novak standing with the still-wrapped Mystical Trouser Snake in one hand and Piper in the other. That sounds a hell of a lot dirtier than it looks on the screen. Dreamy Novak shoves Piper towards her sisters as he draws the shawl off of Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake. Both the snake and his eyes glow red as his personality floods through the staff, which he then playfully waves in front of him like he's Robert Preston leading the good people of Gary, Indiana, in the final number of The Music Man. Novak's wicked brand of evil instantly infuses each one of the gals and, after a beat, he smiles, "Now. Let's go and do something you'll regret later!" Hee. The oddly affectless Glamorous Ladies blink their way into the final commercial break.
And we're back. A brief scene follows, in which Pretty Pretty Novak explains his Nefarious Demonic Plot For World Domination: The Evil Manor Morons are to slaughter Lo Pan and the remaining Signs, and Novak will reign supreme over the subsequent Year Of Evil. Muah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
The Stupid Garden. The Evil Ps arrive alone and almost immediately confront Lo Pan and the Retard. Lo Pan quickly realizes that Pretty Pretty Novak must now be in control of Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake, and urges the Retard to use her newly mastered power to make everything right. So she closes her eyes, presses her fingers against her temples, and thinks real hard for a second until bursts of white light envelop the Manor Morons. "What just happened?" Piper wonders once it's done. The typewriting crackmonkeys just pulled another idiotic plot point from their collective ass, Piper. Haven't you been watching your own show? Gaping and goggling all around until the screen flares white one last time to knock us back into...
...Not!warts, where Dumb Magnus natters on and on about something unimportant while Pretty Pretty Novak fondles Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake. Unfortunately for him, the Glamorous Ladies plus the Retard arrive at this moment, and Raige deploys her orbing telekinesis to yank Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake from Novak's hands and into her own. "Now!" Phoebe cries, and the four women hold the staff above their heads while Maggot Neck quite literally goes cross-eyed with concentration. Stupid bitch. Whatever she's thinking about shoots a blast of vanquishing flame from Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake that almost instantly immolates Dreamy Novak and all of his little henchdemons. The conquering ladies exchange a few quippy remarks before Piper suggests they all head back to The Stupid Garden for the midnight transfer ceremony. Raige bails to apologize to Darling Hank for her idiotic behavior that afternoon, Maggot Neck bailssss to sssscry for her ssssisssster, and Phoebe bails to steam-clean her furniture. Piper's about to flail around in aggravation, but drops all the attitude in favor of a wryly amused smile.
The Stupid Garden. Piper enters to discover that Doberman's elevated Lo Pan to the Zodiac, where he will take the place of the recently vanquished Kentucky Fried Chicken, and...yeah. The stupid Signs should have done this forty-five minutes ago, thereby skirting all of the wacky Wiccan hijinks that followed KFC's untimely demise, but they're idiots, so whatever. General Tso (dammit! I tried) ambles over to retrieve Buddha's Mystical Trouser Snake from Piper, and also to offer her a little pep talk, in which she learns that her Lesson Of The Week is "patience can be rewarded." You know, with regards to that whole Doltsicle thing. Yawn. General Tso crosses back over to begin the New Year's ceremony as Piper looks both chastened and thoughtful before we cross-fade into...
...the Closing Travelogue, which spins us around the nighttime city for a bit before landing us back atop the Golden Gate Bridge, where Raige orbs in with Darling Hank to resolve their Non-Issue Of The Week, which Darling Hank accomplishes by basically caving in to her. No, seriously. Something about him now seeing "the bigger picture" and all that crap. They share a little romantic moment in which they profess their love for one another -- which, considering rapidly approaching events, you'd think they'd have gotten out of the way a long time ago -- before the camera spins down from the top of the bridge and into...
...Hell. The Retarded Bimbo, having ssssuccessssssssfully sssscryed for her ssssisssster, unlockssss the door, enterssss the sssshadowy ssssell, and hissssssssesssss, "Chrissssssssty?" The camera goes all wavery for a second before the final blackout barges in to punch her in her maggoty neck.
week, some ferrety tool arrives on the scene to screw with Raige's love life. No, it's not Chrissssty, but she does finally makes an appearance as well. Joy.