Caged!

S08E03

Oh, yeah! Nance's penthouse apartment! And this is a pointless scene, isn't it? Basically, the ever-so-vain Nance rages at one of his toadies about offing Maya before she gets the drop on him, then eases himself into a grey -- grey! Like, how very eighties of him. Even more eighties of him than those faux Warhol silk-screen portraits of himself all over the walls -- leather armchair so his personal plastic surgeon might inject him with many, many needles of Botox. Yawn.

Back at the Manor, the gals plus the Dolt and The Retarded Bimbo hold a processing summit in the front parlor. Piper manages to convince them all of Nance's guilt, leading The Retard to perk, "Well, can't we just vanquish him?" "We don't usually vanquish humans," Piper ices. Well, you don't, Piper. Raige and Phoebe, however? You two can just shut it with the stunned glares of appalled horror you just shot The Retard, you convict-slaughtering simps. In any event, Raige gets rid of The Retard by sending her nonexistent atticwards for more "research," and Piper convinces her sisters to swap her back with Maya so the Manor Morons might learn what information, exactly, Maya has on her ex-sugar daddy. Well, Raige will learn that information by herself, apparently, because her selfish, self-absorbed hag of a dimwitted half-sister decides this is the perfect moment to harass Vex Pexter in his physically impossible garret. You know, because of that impending natural disaster I've chosen to ignore. Phoebe sucks. Phoebe also vanishes at this precise moment, so I fortunately won't have to deal with her ongoing stupidity for another scene or so. Raige also takes her leave to ensure that The Retard's not fucking anything up in the nonexistent attic just as the doorbell rings. And despite looking exactly like an allegedly murderous fashion model, pack mule Piper rises to answer. Everyone -- everyone -- on this show is a raging moron.

At the door? Some redneck named -- of course -- Carl, who's apparently married to Slutty Eve. Despite never having seen the Dolt's glamoured form before in his life, and despite the fact that God alone knows how he found out about the shirt-rinsing incident during the rugrats' play date, Redneck Carl immediately shoves past Piper to punch Glamour Dolt in the face. What the fuck ever. Piper, thinking fast, tosses out a hasty freeze. There follows an embarrassingly amusing bit wherein the Dolt doltily admits to the wife that he might maybe perhaps have led Slutty Eve on a little bit earlier in the day due to his glamoured self's lack of a wedding band, followed by Piper insisting he resume his position in front of Redneck Carl's fist to accept his just and rightful punishment. Krause in particular elicits a snort from yours truly when he goofily settles into place in front of Redneck Carl and winces in anticipation of the smackdown. Oh, leave me alone. In any event, Piper flicks out an unfreeze, and Redneck Carl promptly flattens the Dolt with a well-placed sock in the jaw. I'd glory in that spectacular example of Dolt abuse, but after a mere two weeks of the new season, I've discovered I much prefer spectacular examples of Retard abuse, and so this is leaving me a bit cold. Sad, I know. Also, I'm far too distracted by the fact that this little bit when combined with something that happens in about three scenes serves to demonstrate what I suppose I'll call The Sixth Law Of Molecular Manipulation On Charmed: Freezing an object in motion does not destroy that object's forward momentum, except when it does. You'll see what I mean in a minute or two. And no, I have no idea what The First Five Laws Of Molecular Manipulation On Charmed are. I just pulled a number out of my ass. Shut up. Piper hustles the now oddly subdued Redneck Carl out the front door and then, turning to smirk at her still-flattened Dolt of a husband, snickers her way into the commercial break.