Previously on Hags, Nags, And Neglected Fags, Daddy Dearest dropped by the Manor to babysit Big Gay Chris; Pepper Anderson, The Best Policewoman In The History Of Forever, took one of Li'l Bulging Brody's tranquilizer darts to the neck, fell into a coma, and eventually returned with half of her memory gone; The Dazzling Sheila issued an ultimatum; Pepper Anderson and her mondo kachongas told the Doormat to have fun on vacation; and Zankou wanted the dread Woogy, but got the Book of Shadows instead.
Currently on Only Twenty-Two Left! Only Twenty-Two Left! Only Twen-- Oh, Fuck It, we pick up shortly after we left off as Raige orbs into a side chamber deep within Not!warts with Piper and Phoebe, the latter of whom frets, "How do we know Zankou's not here waiting for us?" "Because [Not!warts] is protected from him," Raige reminds her, as Piper spins on her heel and barrels into the hallway outside while bellowing for her dolt of a husband. Phoebe and Raige skitter along after her, and the three women pedebabble their way through a hasty round of Book-related exposition. Briefly, while Zankou now possesses the Book of Shadows, "he can't use all of its powers" without first finagling a way to swipe the Glamorous Ladies'. While such a thing has been done before, as long as they remain within Not!warts, they should be safe from any demonic machinations. The Dolt finally blunders onto the scene to wonder what's wrong. After Piper receives assurance that the kids are fine, Phoebe drops this evening's plot bomb on the Dolt's scarily gargantuan gargoyle head. "What?" panics the Dolt. "How?" "As soon as we figure it out, we'll let you know," Raige snots, like, I know how useless he is, honey, but damn. Moderate the tone a little bit, would you? "He broke us down," Phoebe sighs. "Because our powers are tied to the Book," she explains, "and our emotions are tied to our powers, by making us vulnerable..." "He made the Book vulnerable, too," the Dolt realizes. Very good, Dolt. Have a cookie. And then do us all a favor and tell us something we don't already know. "The question is," Phoebe announces, "what is he really after?" "What he's always after," Raige glums. "Power." "The Nexus!" Piper breathes. DUN! Sort of. Well, okay, not really a DUN! at all, seeing as how he's already gone after it once before, but whatever. I can't be assed to care anymore.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Zankou blazes into the main hall with the Book of Shadows, artfully tilting its triquatra-embossed cover towards the camera for maximum effect, and if this leader-of-Hell gig doesn't work out for him, I'm thinking he can always land a job on The Price Is Right as one of the models. Can't you see him pulling one of those smooth, pass-and-flip hand gestures just like Janice Pennington used to do while Rich Fields shouts out, "A NEW CAR"? And now that I've imagined him doing that, I won't be able to take him seriously for the remainder of the evening. Good thing I picked the night they decided to turn him into a jibbering, drooling jackass, no? In any event, Zankou is presently joined by a posse of eleven henchdemons, who squiggle and blaze into place behind him. One of this evening's henchdemons is played by Justin Baldoni, last seen as a date-raping bit of chum in Spring Break Shark Attack, so I guess this is a step down for him. Also, apropos of absolutely nothing, as they've chosen to adorn him with little more than a leather vest for tonight's festivities, I will be distracted by his guns whenever he appears on screen. Woof. Now where was I? Oh, yeah: Zankou, fondling the Book as he steps towards the camera, flashes his teeth and croons, "It's good to be back!" The ominous horns go nuts on the soundtrack for a little bit before Zankou, grinning like the dark demonic fool he is, vanishes into the opening credits.
The opening travelogue swirls us around the nighttime city as a testicle of the old school groans out something unintelligible before we finally cross-fade back over to Prescott Street. Down in the basement, Justin Baldoni's biceps struggle mightily as he and a couple of henchdemons rip up the concrete to expose the Nexus. Yowza. Zankou skips down the stairs and eyes the henchdemons at work before striding over to his primary underling with, "How close are we?" "We'd be a lot closer if we could use our powers to open it," the primary underling snarls. Zankou reminds him that the Nexus would interpret such a display of force as a threat and destroy them all. Or maybe the dread Woogy would interpret such a display of force as a threat and destroy them all. I have no idea, as they've evidently chosen to fuck continuity right up the ass -- again, some more -- and we're now apparently to believe that the Nexus and the dread Woogy are pretty much the same damn thing, and I hate this show, and I want to die, and what fucking genius decided to renew this garbage for an eighth goddamned season? Huh? HUH? Let me know, so I can head to Los Angeles after this is all over and kill him. Bastard motherfucker. In any event, the primary underling wonders what Zankou's "first move" will be once he absorbs the dread Woogy. Zankou, a bit giddy at the prospect, hasn't a clue, frankly, though he does realize that possession of the Woogy will ensure him "full access to the Book of Shadows." "I'll have ultimate power!" he beams, before adding as a bit of an afterthought, "Hope I don't get bored." Heh. Justin Baldoni's impressive pectoral muscles interrupt Zankou's reverie to announce that they've managed to unearth the Nexus. Zankou orders the henchdemons to step back and crosses to loom over the pit, where he chants the following familiar incantation:
[From Birth Unto Death,
Give Me The Friggin' Woogy.]
The Friggin' Woogy screams out of the hole in the floor, pushing its smoky tendril into Zankou's face for a moment before plowing into the demon's body through his eyes. Once the Friggin' Woogy's disappeared into Zankou's face, Zankou, his eyes now beetle-black, turns to the assembled underlings to announce, "It is done," in a heavily overprocessed tone of voice. The henchdemons immediately bow at the waist as the primary underling obsequiously inquires, "What are your orders?" Zankou opens his mouth to respond, but instead doubles over in something approaching agony and, clutching at his head, reels around to projectile vomit the Friggin' Woogy through his eyes and mouth back into the pit. I love it when attractive dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell spew endless streams of bitter blackness from every hole in their heads on this show. It makes me feel like they understand my job. "What happened?" the primary underling wonders. "The sisters!" Zankou spits, a bit wobbly after basically horking his guts out all over the floor. "They cast it out of me with a spell!" "From [Not!warts]?" the primary underling squints. "Impossible!" "Nothing's impossible!" Zankou rages, pushing past the henchdemons to race up the stairs. "Where are you going?" the primary underling calls out. "To the Book of Shadows," Zankou shouts as he disappears into the kitchen, "to find a way to stop them!" The primary underling -- whom I'm just going to call "Moe" until told otherwise -- tosses a fearful glance in the Nexus's direction.
Not!warts. The camera pulls an entirely unnecessary spin through the apparently empty library before settling upon a table. Raige pops up from behind the thing to gulp, "I think it worked!" and why she and her sisters were cowering behind various pieces of furniture is beyond my capacity for understanding, so let's just gloss over all that and get to the point where Raige congratulates Phoebe for remembering the Woogy-B-Gon spell, which is also asinine, as Phoebe of all people should have that damn thing tattooed onto her brain by this point, so let's skip ahead further to the point where Piper cautions, "We can't just keep casting it because he's going to figure out a way around it sooner or later," and...no. No, he won't figure out a way around it, because it's the fucking Woogy-B-Gon spell, and it always works no matter who is in possession of the Friggin' Woogy at the moment, and all of you suck and deserve to die. Oy. The gals gather in the center of the room to strategize, with Phoebe insisting Piper take the lead on the whole thing, as Piper's "the only one who still has any confidence around here." "Yeah, well," Piper deadpans, "that's just because I'm a good actor." Shout-out? It has to be. And as if to prove the point that Holly Marie Combs is the only good actor present, the line is Mugs McGowan's to deliver, which she does so badly that I'll ignore her entirely in favor of listening to Phoebe bitch, "If [Zankou] succeeds, then everything we've done in the last seven years means nothing!" I'm not touching that one. It's all yours, gang. Phoebe calms herself a bit but still adds rather forcefully, "I'm not willing to live with that." "You might not have to," Piper eyebrows, a little too jokingly given their current situation. "Then we go down fighting!" Phoebe cries, and considering her sordid history, you'd think she'd avoid using the phrase "we go down" in any context, but you'd apparently be wrong. Raige refocuses her sisters' attention on the issue at hand: How are they to defeat Zankou when he controls both the Book and the Manor? Phoebe puzzles over this for a moment before stumbling across a cunning plan. As the only thing Zankou wants more than the Friggin' Woogy is a trio of dead Glamorous Ladies, they need to draw his unwelcome attention away from the Nexus and onto themselves. If they manage to divert his energies to attempts on their lives, the thinking -- such as it is -- goes, they might buy themselves enough time to recover the Book of Shadows. "It just might work!" Raige agrees. Piper begs to differ. "Unless he kills us first," she notes, tossing her head around to level her gaze upon her lippy bastard of a half-sister. Raige puckers.
Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World, and my, but this scene is all talky and endless and dull. So talky and endless and dull, in fact, that my only note for it was a terse "Since when is the fucking Transamerica Pyramid right outside the goddamned precinct house's window?" For yes, gentle reader, some damn fool on the production staff decided to transfer that aggravating backdrop over to this set for the evening, and I seriously don't know how much more of this bullshit I can take. In any event, the scene, such as it is, basically amounts to this: An "Agent Keyes" of the Department of Homeland Security ambles into the main office and introduces himself to Pepper Anderson, who's reined in her mondo kachongas beneath a concealing black jacket, and thank God for that, because each one of those things is quite seriously bigger than her head, and I found it difficult to focus on anything else at the end of the last episode. How this woman can stand upright with those things stapled to her chest is beyond me. And yet somehow, she defies the laws of gravity at this very moment to rise from her chair and let loose a string of accusations against the sisters regarding their involvement in the mysterious deaths and disappearances of, among others, Andy Trudeau, Inspector Rodriguez, Reese Davidson, and Prue. Each of these incidents, save for the last, has its own folder on Pepper Anderson's desk, labeled with the name of the deceased. For some unexplained reason, another, never-mentioned folder bears the name "Gordon," and I think we can take that as proof that the irritating Jenny is, in fact, rotting away deep beneath her murderous, greasy stalker of an uncle's old house. Hooray! Anyway, Pepper eventually gets around to blaming the gals for her coma, and it's at this point that Agent Keyes finally admits to the department's complicity in that little drama. Pepper is shocked and appalled. I'm bored. Remind me again why I'm supposed to care about any of this? Especially when Pepper makes outraged noises that include her accusing Agent Keyes of arriving on the scene "with Brody's trank gun" to hurl her back into a coma? 'Cause, you know, how the fuck does Pepper Anderson know she was shot with a tranquilizer gun? Gah. And yet it goes on! Endless, I tell you! This scene has no end! Oh, thank God. Keyes finally drops the bitchcraft bomb on Pepper's head, and it's over. Christ.
Nonexistent Attic. Moe lopes in from the upper stairwell to find Zankou abusing the Book in search of a "reversal spell" that will prevent the gals from "keeping [him] from the Nexus," but that's not important. What is important is that Moe gets an actual demonic name for the evening, and that name is -- no, I'm not kidding with this -- Khan. Hee. The two natter at each other for a lengthy period of time regarding Zankou's various options until KHAAAAN! realizes that his boss intends to target the sisters, rather than focusing all his effort on successfully absorbing the Dread Friggin' Woogy. "This is no time for personal vendettas," KHAAAAN! chides. "Are you challenging me?" Zankou Beavises. KHAAAAN! instantly backs down, for he's apparently aware of the fact that Zankou's trusted henchdemons are eminently expendable. Zankou accepts the apology graciously enough and sends his "counsel" down to the kitchen to fetch him a snack. Oh, sorry. My bad. Zankou actually needs "mandrake, henbane, and hemlock root." "I'm making a potion," he explains with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "For what?" KHAAAAN! wants to know. "To steal their powers," Zankou snickers before reminding his underling that "there are other ways of gaining full access to the Book of Shadows." KHAAAAN! clearly thinks this is a lousy idea, but as he'd also like to avoid getting flambéd, he obediently disappears downstairs for the requested ingredients. The camera pokes around Zankou's shoulder to focus on the
ry=425&page=6">"To Separate A Witch From Her Powers" entry before scampering into the commercial break, but not before we start wondering where Zankou's going to get the "gypsy blood" the spell requires. Well, we start wondering, but then we realize we really, really don't care. Whatever.
Not!warts. Piper and Phoebe sit at separate tables, poring over various reference books while waxing nostalgic for seasons past. Long past, it seems, as Piper wonders if she's correct in assuming the Book contains a "confidence spell." "Yeah," Phoebe confirms. "Remember? We cast it on that waiter at [72virg=ins], in the as-yet-unrecapped 'Feats Of Clay'?" "Wow," Piper goggles. "[72virg=ins]. That was a long time ago." You're telling this to me? Bitch. Piper suggests they cast it on themselves, as it might help them regain control of the Book, but Phoebe nixes this idea in favor of a body-swapping plan. No go, Feebs, for as Piper points out, that would place Zankou's demonic essence deep within Not!warts, and that would be a very, very bad thing indeed. "How about a love spell?" Phoebe perks. "We could make him fall for one of us!" "Sorry. I'm taken," Piper pffts, "and you're not that desperate, are you?" Not going there, either, folks. This fucking recap is long enough as it is. Phoebe smirks something about demons keeping her warm at night that leads to a ball joke from Piper that I'll not be transcribing, before Piper runs through a few more options that demand hyperlinks to recaps, including spells to hear other's thoughts and "to stretch the imagination," before proposing they turn Phoebe into a Banshee again. "Too much screeching," Phoebe protests. "It's hard on my voice." Hasn't stopped you before, hag. And then we get another blast from the past when Phoebe suggests "humiliating" Zankou by turning him into an animal. "Like we did that one time to everyone at P3?" Phoebe prompts. "That spell backfired," Piper duhs, and it didn't, really, but this is getting nowhere, so let's jump ahead to the bit where Raige calls them out to the Not-So-Great Hall, and oh. SHIT. Why are they doing this to me? WHYYYYY? Phoebe and Piper step into the room to find it bursting with Stoopid Magikal Kreatures, including valkyries, leprechauns, ogres, gnomes, and that fucking fairy princess who died two years ago. "What are they doing here?" Piper asks for me. "Reinforcements," is Raige's smug, self-satisfied reply. Shut the fuck up, Raige.
Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World. The feds have taken control of the precinct, but that's apparently not as important as Pepper Anderson shrilling something outraged and accusatory into her cell phone at Detective Doormat, who's either just checking into a resort with The Dazzling Sheila and his shape-shifting children -- the one we see here is vaguely Asian at the moment -- or just packing up the Morris family SUV outside their apartment building, and I so do not care either way, because this scene is absolutely pointless as far as this episode goes. Long story short, Pepper Anderson orders the Doormat back to Trudeau Memorial to assist with the federal investigation, and the Doormat tells her to go to hell. And...scene.
Nonexistent Attic. Zankou drops a potion ingredient into the copper pot, which promptly emits a rather satisfying puff of smoke in response. KHAAAAN! wonders how Zankou plans to deploy the power-stealing potion if the gals are protected over at Not!warts. "They're not going to stay hidden for long," Zankou rather confidently claims. "It's not their style." As if to confirm this, the ear-splitting racket associated with supernatural warfare arrives in the nonexistent room from the main floor below. Zankou and KHAAAAN! race for the stairs.
"What the hell?" Zankou splutters as he reaches the stairwell landing above the foyer. The camera swings to take in his point of view of the center parlor, and it's mayhem and madness in the Manor as the Stoopid Magikal Kreatures battle Zankou's posse of henchdemons. The good news? The Stoopid Magikal Kreatures are getting their asses kicked. Hard. Whee! Zankou and KHAAAAN! swing into action, conjuring Flaming Balls Of Death they hurl into various annoyances until that stupid fucking Zombie Fairy Princess dances around Zankou's head, distracting him long enough for some damn thing or another to send Zankou tripping over his own feet down the rest of the stairs. Not to worry, though. KHAAAAN! instantly dusts the gremlin responsible, and rarely have I enjoyed a series of fiery vanquishes more than the ones now taking place on the screen. Valkyries? Toast. Gnomes? Ditto. And sayonara to you as well, smelly ogre man. This fucking rules! Unfortunately, the lovely demons manage to miss both the stupid fucking Zombie Fairy Princess and the C.S.I leprechaun, who rainbows -- ugh -- over to Not!warts to shout, "Now!" The Glamorous Ladies, who'd been anticipating his arrival, quickly read a spell from the slip of paper Phoebe clutches in her hand. Unfortunately, we hear only the following:
Something wicked in our midst,
In our home where he exists:
But I think it's safe to assume they ended it with, "Bring forth an animal / Sayeth the spell," for when the shot cuts back to the Manor hall, Zankou, still on the floor after his tumble from the landing, finds himself assaulted by a sparkly spray of white mojo that transforms him into a pig. Well, a pig with Oded Fehr's head. And sow's ears. And since no one will be magically morphing this bag of shit into a silk purse anytime soon, let's head back up to the nonexistent attic with the flaring KHAAAAN!, who, at his boss's orders, has arrived to prevent the Glamorous Ladies from absconding with the Book of Shadows. He's a bit too late, though, for Raige has already orbed her little group over from [Not!warts], and Piper hesitates not an instant before unleashing her mighty Hands of Discontent at KHAAAAN!'s chest. The force of the resulting explosion, however, simply hurtles the henchdemon backwards onto the upper landing, where he crashes heavily to the floor, momentarily stunned.
Manor. Oh, lovely. Another entirely pointless scene in what very well could have been the series finale. There's dissension in Zankou's ranks, you see, and the absolute only thing holding my interest during all of the subsequent babbling between KHAAAAN! and Justin Baldoni is the latter's chiseled torso. Yum. Why, yes! I am a shallow little bastard! Thanks for asking! Still, though: Yawn. Zankou eventually blazes into the center parlor to send all of the lesser henchdemons on their merry way. The last to leave is Justin Baldoni, who squiggles out after tossing a smoldering glare at his boss. Mrow. Once left alone with Zankou, KHAAAAN! hisses, "Do you really think [the Manor Morons] will leave the safety of [Not!warts]?" "I know they will!" Zankou smiles. "Now that I have Phoebe's powers," he explains, "I know exactly what they're gonna do ." Remember that, please, when Zankou fails to anticipate their every move at the end of the evening and so dies a horrible, explosive death. Ooops! Spoiler! "They will not humiliate me again," Zankou vows and with that, he turns and leaps up the stairs. KHAAAAN! glowers.
Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World, and BORING! Keyes has set up a command center in the precinct's conference room and, upon learning that a some pinko Commie fag of a San Francisco judge has refused his request for a wiretap, orders one of his agents to get "the A.G." on the phone to "circumvent this thing." However, not even the violent desecration of the Glamorous Ladies' constitutional rights can interest me in this scene. Pepper Anderson volunteers to break into the Manor equipped with a camera, because she has some never-explained axe to grind with the Halliwells. Keyes wavers for a bit, but eventually caves.
Hell. Raige orbs into a vampire lair with Piper and Phoebe, who warily eye the bats suspended from the chamber's ceiling once they've materialized. "Now what?" Phoebe asks. "We draw out the queen," Piper duhs, unleashing her mighty Hands of Discontent upon a few of the flying rodents, even though VAMPIRES ARE IMMUNE TO A WITCH'S POWERS, because this show blows, and I want to die, but what I really want to do is get through this stupid, awful, continuity-killing scene as quickly as possible, so I'll fast-forward to the bit where the vampire queen arrives to hear Piper pitch a proposal to join forces against Zankou, whom neither the vampire queen nor the Glamorous Ladies wants to see upon the throne of Hell, or something. The vampire queen agrees to the plan far too quickly, which should be a signal to the ladies that something's not quite right with the vampire queen, but the ladies are idiots, so whatever. "Okay, then!" Raige perks. "Follow us!" After Raige has vanished through the chamber's ceiling with her sisters in a cloud of orbs, the vampire queen sneers, "Fools!" Well, yes. Yes, they are. But we've known this for seven goddamned years, you wonky-eyed asshole, so I think you can shut up now.
Nonexistent Attic. The gals orb in and immediately panic when they realize the vampire queen is nowhere to be found. Zankou, you see, received a premonition with Phoebe's purloined powers and "got to her first." He quickly smashes another vial at Piper's feet and soon enough, her powers flood from her body to join Phoebe's in Zankou. Piper, not quite buying it, tosses out a couple of tentative Hands. Nothing happens. "Looking for this?" Zankou sneers, thrusting his own hands out from his body. The resulting explosion sends Piper flying to the other end of the nonexistent room, where she demolishes yet another set of priceless antiques with her ass. Raige and Phoebe scamper over and orb out with their slightly injured sister. "Why didn't you kill them when you had the chance?" KHAAAAN! demands. "Because," Zankou snarls, "I don't have all their powers yet, dumb-ass."
Not!warts. The gals orb in and ease Piper onto a sofa while Raige bays for the ever-useless Elders. "They're not coming down," Piper sighs, drawing a bloodied hand from the fresh wound on her shoulder. "We're on our own now." "Yeah, and two powers down," Phoebe needlessly reminds them. The camera tracks past her to pull in tight on Raige, who takes a deep breath and exhales it with, "Something tells me we're not getting out of this one, girls." Piper gapes as Phoebe flares her nostrils right into the commercial break.
Not!warts. Aftermath. The Dolt applies gauze to Piper's shoulder wound as Phoebe and Raige process through recent events. Eventually, the Dolt offers to fetch the Psycho to heal Piper's latest gash, but she shakes her head at the idea. "I don't want to traumatize him again," she insists. "Well, he's gonna be traumatized soon enough!" Raige blurts. "I mean, who are we kidding? We're screwed!" "We can't think like that!" the useless Dolt splutters. "[Dolt]!" Phoebe blares. "It's over!" "He's got our house, he's got our Book, he's got two of our powers," she enumerates, before adding, "The only question is whether we can take him down with us!" An awkward pause follows as the idiots present absorb all that before Raige sighs, "I can't even believe we're having this conversation." The Dolt is very, very sad. Shut up, Dolt. "How do we do it?" Piper finally asks. Phoebe notes they'll need the Nexus banish from the Book of Shadows. They'll allow Zankou to reabsorb the Dread Friggin' Woogy, then cast the spell. The resulting vanquish should rid them of both Nexus and demon. "Hit two birds with one stone," Phoebe clarifies. "Don't you mean five?" Piper pointedly asks. "We're gonna have to be in there to say the spell." "Can't we just say it from in here?" Raige shrugs. "Not and get the timing right," Phoebe semi-literately garbles. "Well," Raige twitches with immense amounts of false bravado, "it's been nice knowing you ladies." This touching moment is interrupted by the sound of someone howling in pain far, far above their heads. "What was that?" the Dolt buhs.
It was Zankou, naturally, attempting to break into Not!warts. Unfortunately, the school's protective whatever repelled him, and he now finds himself dropping hundreds of feet through the air to land heavily on his back on the nonexistent attic's floor. "So close!" he pants before leaping to his feet to head to the Book's stand with, "There must be another way in." KHAAAAN!'s finally had enough of this bullshit, and lays it on the line for the boss: The Glamorous Ladies are obviously drawing Zankou away from the Nexus in order to ensnare him in some sort of a trap, and if Zankou allows them to do so, he'll get all of the henchdemons killed. Zankou, peeved at his underling's impertinence, turns from the Book to stare KHAAAAN! down. After a supposedly tense moment, the boys hurl FBODs at each other simultaneously. The things slam into each other in mid-air, setting off a minor enough explosion that nevertheless sends a shock wave spinning outwards through the room. Once it's dissipated, Zankou ambles over to his right-hand man, makes with the deeply disappointed noises, and rams his fist into KHAAAAN!'s chest. KHAAAAN! gasps and grunts and groans in despair before bursting into a spray of flame and demon bits as he howls and wails his way to The Waste Land. Zankou allows the smoke from the vanquish to waft around his head for a moment before he obstinately returns to the Book for a little more Not!warts-related abuse.
Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World. Agent Keyes monitors the feed from Pepper Anderson's spy camera on a computer screen as Pepper herself steps into the kitchen through the back door and good Lord, this is stupid. The camera's meant to be concealed in a brooch that Pepper's pinned to her jacket lapel. Unfortunately, Pepper insists through all of what follows on so blatantly manipulating the thing with her hand, while ensuring her long, flowing tresses aren't obscuring the lens by tilting her head back at an angle so unnatural, she looks like Geri Jewell on Deadwood, that she might as well have strapped the fucking thing to her goddamned forehead with a big, pink neon sign hovering above it that says, "HEY, YOU PEOPLE I AM SPYING ON FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY! I HAVE A CAMERA TAPED TO MY HEAD! ISN'T THAT CRAZY? NOW SMILE!" Rather a large neon sign, I realize, but she should be able to anchor it to her massive boobs with no problem. Anyway, Pepper confirms the feds "have visual" before venturing further into the apparently empty Manor. Gosh, this is tense. Not. Is this scene over yet? It is? Good.
National Lampoon's Doormat Vacation. The smiling detective exits the "Fulton Arms" with his dazzling wife and their shape-shifting, oddly Asian children as the Dolt quite unexpectedly rays onto the patio from points Not!warts. Long story short, the Dolt urges the Doormat to call Pepper Anderson and make sure she stays away from the Manor, as "something big is gonna go down, soon." The Dolt then bails, leaving Sheila and her Doormat to bicker their way through a scene that's meant to be touching and special, but is actually dreadfully acted and dull. The Doormat insists that if the Dazzling Sheila wants to ensure a better future for their shape-shifting, oddly Asian children, she'll let him help the sisters this one last time. Sheila reluctantly agrees. And...scene.
Establishing shot of the wood-frame apartment building that once housed both a sniveling, snot-picking Goth chick and a sniveling, snot-picking retiree. Unfortunately, only one of those two died. Inside, Daddy Dearest Victor (Jones) Bennett enters his darkened flat with a bag of groceries, only to find himself slung bodily onto the sofa by a couple of leather-clad ladies of the night. I wonder how much extra he has to pay for these elaborate role-playing games? Oh, sorry. They're not hookers at all. They're actually meant to be dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell. "Who the hell are you?" Victor demands. "Who are you?" one of the demonic whores snaps back. Daddy Dearest responds with his name. "Do you think it's really him?" one of the intruders asks the other. "If it was Zankou," comes the reply, "he would have attacked us by now." The leftmost demonic whore, with an exaggerated flourish, lifts her right hand into the air and snaps her fingers. A swirling cloud of glowing golf balls promptly assaults the demonic whores, quickly morphing them into Phoebe-and-Piper form. So, I guess I was half-right with the "demonic whore" thing. For one of them. "Whaaaa?" Victor squints. Piper and Phoebe babble out apologies and hasty explanations that answer exactly none of Daddy Dearest's quite valid questions until Phoebe eventually calls out, "It's safe!" Raige orbs in immediately with poor, neglected, and doomed Tiny Gay Chris and his evil, bemulleted Psycho of a brother. Tiny Gay Chris is drooling all over one of his hands and has shiny new white baby Chucks on his feet. Awwwww. The Psycho has a murderous glare in his eyes and a menacing manila envelope in his pale, clammy hands. Eeeeeeew! Piper retrieves the envelope from the sociopath as Daddy Dearest wonders once more what, exactly, is going on.
As Raige disappears into "the guest bedroom" with the kids, Phoebe and Piper confess that they're in some deep, deep shit. The envelope contains the deeds to P3 and the Manor, powers of attorney for each of the gals, information on their various bank accounts, and "a schedule for the boys." And for the first time this evening, I actually felt a bit afraid for them all. A teeny, tiny, infinitesimal bit afraid, but a bit nonetheless. "I'm not gonna take that!" Daddy Dearest protests. "I can't explain everything now," Piper admits, "but you just need to know this is our only way out -- it's our only choice -- so please." Daddy Dearest gets all verklempt and covers his mouth with his hands while welling up a little bit at the eyes, and I now understand why they included that clip from "Hyde School Reunion" in the previouslys. You'll recall it was in that episode that he learned of Piper's untimely demise and how he ended up raising at least Big Gay Chris on his own, and from the anguished expression on James Read's face, you can tell all of that is now rushing back to Victor, along with the horrified realization that it's happening thirteen years too soon. Goddamn you, James Read! How dare you be so good at...at...at...[sniff]...what you do? Especially on this fucking show? It's not fair! "I don't understand," Victor chokes out. "Does this mean I'm never gonna see you again?" Piper remains silent, but her expression is bleak. "Never say never," Phoebe whispers, hugging him in what seems to be a valiant yet failed attempt to console him. "Not in this family." Snuffle. Also: Damn. Where the hell did all that come from? This episode's been plodding along in the most boring manner imaginable for forty frigging minutes, and a scene this emotionally resonant suddenly bursts through? God, I hate this stupid fucking show. Over and over again, they give us hints of what they're actually capable of and how good it could be, then they shit all over us with hateful crap like Pepper Anderson's entire subplot tonight. Gah.
Back in the guest bedroom -- already equipped with a playpen, incidentally -- Phoebe and Piper arrive to find Raige playing with the kids on the floor. Well, she's actually just playing with Tiny Gay Chris, because he's the social one. The dead-eyed Psycho's off to the side, staring sullenly at anything that moves. Piper kneels in front of him anyway and offers a lengthy goodbye speech that brings tears to Phoebe and Raige's eyes. The Psycho, of course, could not care less if he tried. Piper draws him into a hug until Phoebe gently reminds her that they have to get going. Piper, tearing up herself now, lets go of the Psycho and turns her attention to Tiny Gay Chris, and you all know I like to bust on the fugly little blubber wad, but I've come to believe they really lucked out when they hired this kid -- or, more probably, these kids -- because they consistently and endearingly interact with the adults in a thousand tiny ways that make them seem, oh, not psychotic. Example? Right now. Piper doesn't offer her woefully neglected younger son the same sort of lengthy and heartfelt valedictory she gave her older one, but she does gently press his head against her cheek while whispering for him to "be a good boy for Grandpa." And the little blubber wad instinctively reaches up with his pudgy little hand and wraps it around Piper's index finger and just...just clings to her like that while Holly Marie Combs gets all weepy and...and...I'm sorry. I'm getting a little emotional. I've got to take a moment.
Ah. That's better. I needed a cigarette break anyway. So, Piper pulls herself together and rises to place Tiny Gay Chris in the playpen while Raige stands and moves to Phoebe's side. Piper joins her sisters, and the three clasp hands before taking a long moment to gaze upon the kids for what might be the last time. Finally, Piper sighs, "Okay, let's get this over with," and Raige orbs them away from the room. The idiots in charge of this mess then completely ruin the moment by cutting back over to the Psycho, who's standing there with an annoyed pout on his face, all, "Would you tired bitches just die already?" Creepy little fucker.
Manor, and whatever! Pepper Anderson's made it to the vacant second floor and hisses into her hidden microphone, "I don't think anybody's home." And it is for brilliant observations such as this she will forever be known as The Best Policewoman In The History Of Forever. Keyes orders her out of the house, but she heads up to the attic anyway, because she is a moron. Once there, she spots Zankou over at the Book of Shadows and attempts to bluff her way out of the situation as Keyes and the other federal agents ratchet up the panic factor back at Trudeau Memorial. Zankou, God bless him, listens to about three seconds of Pepper Anderson's bullshit before hurling a Flaming Ball Of Death directly into her tits. Hooray! We don't actually see the vanquish, disappointingly enough, for the shot cuts to Keyes's point of view through the spycam just as the FBOD slams home. Bastards. If I had to put up with that annoying wretch for a year and a half, the least you can do is let me watch her die. Keyes instantly flips into Angry White Male action mode, ordering his staff to call in a dizzying array of government agencies before storming into the final commercial break.
Not!warts. The gals run through their game plan one last time, with Piper oddly noting, "It feels strange doing it this way." "Well, I kind of wish we learned how to do it earlier," Raige admits. "Would've come in handy." "Well, Prue was really protective of it," Phoebe observes. "I'm just really glad she showed [the Dolt] how to do it." Is their vagueness as annoying to you as it is to me? Good. But trust me, you'll be longing for that comforting sense of exasperation when they finally get around to the reveal and your head explodes in anger and frustration. For now, just sit back and watch as Zankou blazes into Not!warts from the Manor, having at last figured out a way to thwart the school's defenses. The gals and Zankou snipe at each other for a bit until Zankou finally conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death atop his palm. Raige, with her orbing telekinesis, sends a heavy book from a nearby table into his chest. The impact knocks the FBOD wide while buying the gals enough time to scamper from the room. "Must we go through this?" Zankou snaps before charging out into the hallway after them. The gals draw him into the Not!warts library, where they split up to dart behind various tables and pillars to dodge the hail of FBODs Zankou attempts to rain down upon their heads. Zankou finally manages to corner Raige and, practically giggling with delight, advances upon her slowly to capture her powers with one last vial of potion. "[Raige]!" Piper snaps from the far side of the room. "Get out of here!" "Not without you two!" Raige firmly counters. "Ah!" Zankou sneers contemptuously. "Inseparable to the end," he continues. "But first things first." With that, he shatters the final vial at Raige's feet. The mojo cloud rises from the marble floor to engulf her as Zankou quite politely stretches out his hand and asks, "Your power, please?" Nothing happens. Raige gets this wicked grin on her face and flares out of the room. Zankou spins around in time to watch Piper and Phoebe do the same. Zankou, thunderstruck, flails about the room.
Back at the Manor, the AP gals reunite with the Special Ed gals, who are arranged in various states of repose upon the parlor's many, many overstuffed chairs. The reconstituted gals gasp as one and shoot back to life, with Raige panting, "The astral projecting worked!" And your head may explode...now. I lost mine about forty-two episodes ago, so I'll simply note that no, astral projection cannot be learned any more than molecular manipulation or premonition or telekinesis can be learned and leave it at that, because for one thing, I've ranted about this very subject before and unlike this goddamned show, I'll not bore you with recycled bits, and for another, there are still eight goddamned minutes left in this fucking episode, and I want this over with. Now. The three race upstairs to the nonexistent attic to stand before the Book. "Okay!" Phoebe prompts. "This may be the last time we have to say this." "I'll hold you to it," Piper snarks, apparently not realizing that this shit is doomed to drag on for another year, so no, this will not be the last time they have to say this -- "this" being, of course:
The Power of Three
Will set us free.
You know, from the series premiere, and all. As the camera spins in a low circle around the women, they repeat the verse three times before stopping to gingerly stretch their hands towards the Book. The Book, for now, decides to allow itself to be abused once more by the Glamorous Ladies. Piper heaves a tremendous sigh of relief and immediately flips the thing open in a frantic search for the Nexus banish. At that moment, however, the shriek of a thousand approaching police sirens invades the nonexistent room from the street outside, and the three women hustle over to the front window in time to witness the arrival of every law enforcement agency known to man. They also get a lovely glimpse of the Los Angeles skyline, peeking up as it is behind the row of houses across the way. This show. I swear to God. SWAT and Special Forces operatives quickly surround the Manor, with snipers taking up positions atop the crack house door. Keyes finally arrives in a jet-black Humvee that's probably better armored than anything in Iraq at the moment as the ladies peer pensively at the scene from above. Keyes trains his semiautomatic on the Manor's façade until he spots the three Ps gazing down at him from the nonexistent attic's windows. For some reason, their presence unnerves him. Ask me if I care why. "What the hell happened?" Raige breathily wonders. "I don't know," Phoebe replies, "but if they come in here before we get Zankou, it's gonna be a bloodbath." "Come on," Piper grunts, "we gotta find that spell." The ladies pull themselves away from the windows and turn to cross the attic floor, but quite unexpectedly find their path blocked by Zankou, who blazes onto the carpet from Not!warts to sneer, "I underestimated you, but it will not happen again." He slings a Flaming Ball Of Death in their direction, but Raige, thinking fast, pulls her sisters up into an orb cloud while simultaneously deflecting the FBOD with her orbing telekinesis. The FBOD explodes through the Manor's roof, raining a spray of slate shingles upon the surprised federal agents below. Keyes preps his troops for an immediate incursion into the Manor until the Doormat suddenly darts over to blurt, "I wouldn't go in just yet if I were you." Figures the damned Doormat would be the only person on this show ever to use the conditional tense correctly.
Basement. As Zankou blazes in at the foot of the stairs from the nonexistent attic, the gals stand above the Nexus's pit, hands linked, reciting the Dread Friggin' Woogy's summoning spell. Zankou immediately hurls the gals to the far side of the room with a blast of telekinetic energy so massive it knocks Phoebe out of her espadrilles and into a pair of sneakers. "You're too late!" Zankou scowls. "You can't take [the Dread Friggin' Woogy]. It's been in me -- it knows me now." He shakes his head dismissively and turns his attention back to the pit. "I should have done this before," he sighs before reciting once more the summoning spell. The Dread Friggin' Woogy quickly rises to pour once more into Zankou's body through his eyes as the Manor Morons gape in dismay. The Dread Friggin' Wankou trains his beetle-black eyes on the three and grumbles, "You can't stop me now!" "No?" Raige eyebrows. "Watch us!" Piper finishes. Phoebe whips out the Nexus banish -- which she apparently had time to copy onto a slip of paper at some point in the fifteen seconds between scenes -- and the three recite the following in unison:
From ancient time this power came
For all to have but none to reign:
Take it now, show no mercy,
For this power can no longer be.
Ooof. You'd think after seven seasons of this garbage, I'd be immune to the pain elicited by the crap spells. And you'd be wrong. In any event, Zankou started boiling red about halfway through the above and by the end, he'd begun to steam. Now that the spell's been cast in its entirety, bright rays of light burst through his skin and clothes as he emits a mighty roar of agony. "This is it!" Phoebe shouts above the din, grasping at her sisters' hands. Zankou lets loose one final scream and explodes in a massive fireball that plows through the basement to engulf the Glamorous Ladies. Outside, the agents goggle as the fireball shatters the basement's windows on all four sides of the house. Or maybe they're just horrified at the dreadful CGI'd cloud of smoke that now drifts up from the Manor's lowest level. You choose. "Aren't you glad I told you to wait?" the Doormat snorts. Look at the Doormat, with the snide remarks to Homeland Security agents! No, don't. Shut up, Doormat.
There follows a lengthy, unnecessary, and boring sequence of the feds invading the Manor with guns at the ready and Geiger counters bleeping and wow. I so do not care about any of this. The Doormat and Agent Keyes eventually arrive in the basement where, upon surveying the wreckage, the Doormat gulps, "Thank God nobody was in here." "Who said nobody was?" Keyes intones ominously. The Doormat is shocked and appalled to learn the Manor Morons were indeed present at the time of the explosion, and I'm sorry, but if they're trying to make us believe that the Doormat thinks the gals are dead, it's not working at all, mainly because Keyes states, "Trust me -- we would have spotted them if they'd left the house," at which point the Doormat, well aware of Raige's ability to orb from one place to another, would instantly disengage from the entire situation and not stand there as he does now, all forlorn and wrecked, whispering, "There's got to be another way out of here -- oh, dear God, please." What the fuck ever, Doormat. And Charmed? You can kiss my fucking ass.
Out on the street, the bumbling Dolt tries to talk his way through the police barricade set up halfway down the block, but is quite firmly rebuffed by the officer in charge. The Dolt blunders his way back through the quickly gathering crowd of gawkers until some harsh, pinched-looking hippie chick with absolutely criminal blonde highlights in her cropped, auburn hair too casually wonders, "What's going on?" "What?" the Dolt blurts before admitting, "I don't know." "Boy, I sure hope nobody died in there," one of the hippie's two companions smirks and, oh, what the hell. Let's just call these women "Paula," "Pamela," and "Phucking Hag-Ass Trash," okay? "Do we know each other?" the Dolt splutters, not getting it. "Oh, I think so," Paula grins. "After all," she continues, sauntering on up to him, "we're married." The Dolt still doesn't get it, for he is the Dolt, so Paula leads him over behind a hedge, where they're joined by Pamela on Paula's left and Phucking Hag-Ass Trash on her right. Phucking Hag-Ass Trash, by the way, is sporting an absolutely hideous paisley-patterned wrap skirt, which I suppose must be some sort of tribute to She Who Must Not Be Named.
In any event, once they're all in position and have ensured no one but the Dolt can see them, the three women snap their fingers and morph into Phoebe, Piper, and Raige. The Dolt is stunned. "Wh-wh-wh-whuh?" he stammers. "Shhh!" Piper soothes. "It's all part of the plan." "What plan?" the dolt guhs. "Our plan to die," Raige hisses. "It's the only way to get our lives back," Phoebe whispers. "And to stop everyone from coming after us," Piper adds, "including all of them." She emphasizes this last by hiking both her thumbs in the federal agents' general direction behind her. "B-b-but..." the Dolt begins. "No buts!" Piper orders. "We're free! Nobody even knows we're alive anymore, not even the demons." "They think we died in there with Zankou, when it was just our astral selves," Raige clarifies. There's more babbling from the gals about leading normal lives and preparing the generation to pick up where they themselves left off that doesn't matter at all in light of the renewal, until the Dolt finally smiles and asks, "How do I do it?" "You don't," Piper smiles. "We do." "Don't worry," Raige hastens to add, "we'll make you good-looking." Hey, Raige, if he made it through the last eighty-one years with that ugly mug plastered all over his skull, I don't think it'll matter to him one way or the other now. Raige ignores me. They all ignore me, in fact, in favor of snapping their fingers once more and glamouring back into Pamela, Paula, and Phucking Hag-Ass Trash. Paula snaps her fingers once last time, instantly transforming her Dolt of a husband into former male model and soap opera twinkie Agim Kaba, who, admittedly, looks disturbingly simian in this badly lit close-up, but I suppose that's appropriate, given who he's replacing. However temporarily.
Just then, the distraught Doormat emerges onto the Manor's front porch. He sighs and conveniently glances down the street just as Paula, the Dagim, Pamela, and Phucking Hag-Ass Trash cross to amble happily away from the Manor. The Dagim's pretty much hanging all over Paula like they're teenagers, by the way. And, actually, if the actors' birthdates on the Internet Movie Database are correct, they pretty much are, but still. You've got an eighty-year-old Dolt inside of you, Agim. Start acting like it. Anyway, Phucking Hag-Ass Trash trains her gaze upon the Doormat and gifts him with a mischievous smile through which, we are to assume, the Doormat realizes the Manor Morons are alive and well. Whatever. All this fancy glamouring and recasting won't last long enough to see the opening credits of the eighth-season premiere, so who gives a rat's ass? Besides the Doormat, I mean, for it evidently means a great deal to him as he skips down the front steps, revitalized with the knowledge that the Glamorous Ladies have lived to fight another day, or some such bullshit. Shut up, Doormat. Meanwhile, some unseen supernatural presence within the Manor gently eases shut the front door. Or maybe it was the wind. Who cares? The camera slowly cranes up to take in the full Manor façade as a ghastly choir aaaaaahs! us out of this dreadful train wreck of a season.
Many, many thanks to the lovely and talented (and well-mannered! Okay, mostly) gang on the boards for keeping this amusing; to the lovely and talented Couch Baron and Keckler for moral support and America (The Book); and last but certainly not least, to the lovely and talented Sars for tolerating my filthy fucking mouth all these many years. ["My goddamned pleasure!" -- Sars] It pains me greatly to say this, but...see you all season! If I don't kill myself long before then, of course. Have a great summer!