Episode Report Card Demian: F | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT And Something Bitchy This Way Goes
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 22 | Aired on 05.21.2005
Not!warts. The camera pulls an entirely unnecessary spin through the apparently empty library before settling upon a table. Raige pops up from behind the thing to gulp, "I think it worked!" and why she and her sisters were cowering behind various pieces of furniture is beyond my capacity for understanding, so let's just gloss over all that and get to the point where Raige congratulates Phoebe for remembering the Woogy-B-Gon spell, which is also asinine, as Phoebe of all people should have that damn thing tattooed onto her brain by this point, so let's skip ahead further to the point where Piper cautions, "We can't just keep casting it because he's going to figure out a way around it sooner or later," and...no. No, he won't figure out a way around it, because it's the fucking Woogy-B-Gon spell, and it always works no matter who is in possession of the Friggin' Woogy at the moment, and all of you suck and deserve to die. Oy. The gals gather in the center of the room to strategize, with Phoebe insisting Piper take the lead on the whole thing, as Piper's "the only one who still has any confidence around here." "Yeah, well," Piper deadpans, "that's just because I'm a good actor." Shout-out? It has to be. And as if to prove the point that Holly Marie Combs is the only good actor present, the next line is Mugs McGowan's to deliver, which she does so badly that I'll ignore her entirely in favor of listening to Phoebe bitch, "If [Zankou] succeeds, then everything we've done in the last seven years means nothing!" I'm not touching that one. It's all yours, gang. Phoebe calms herself a bit but still adds rather forcefully, "I'm not willing to live with that." "You might not have to," Piper eyebrows, a little too jokingly given their current situation. "Then we go down fighting!" Phoebe cries, and considering her sordid history, you'd think she'd avoid using the phrase "we go down" in any context, but you'd apparently be wrong. Raige refocuses her sisters' attention on the issue at hand: How are they to defeat Zankou when he controls both the Book and the Manor? Phoebe puzzles over this for a moment before stumbling across a cunning plan. As the only thing Zankou wants more than the Friggin' Woogy is a trio of dead Glamorous Ladies, they need to draw his unwelcome attention away from the Nexus and onto themselves. If they manage to divert his energies to attempts on their lives, the thinking -- such as it is -- goes, they might buy themselves enough time to recover the Book of Shadows. "It just might work!" Raige agrees. Piper begs to differ. "Unless he kills us first," she notes, tossing her head around to level her gaze upon her lippy bastard of a half-sister. Raige puckers.
Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World, and my, but this scene is all talky and endless and dull. So talky and endless and dull, in fact, that my only note for it was a terse "Since when is the fucking Transamerica Pyramid right outside the goddamned precinct house's window?" For yes, gentle reader, some damn fool on the production staff decided to transfer that aggravating backdrop over to this set for the evening, and I seriously don't know how much more of this bullshit I can take. In any event, the scene, such as it is, basically amounts to this: An "Agent Keyes" of the Department of Homeland Security ambles into the main office and introduces himself to Pepper Anderson, who's reined in her mondo kachongas beneath a concealing black jacket, and thank God for that, because each one of those things is quite seriously bigger than her head, and I found it difficult to focus on anything else at the end of the last episode. How this woman can stand upright with those things stapled to her chest is beyond me. And yet somehow, she defies the laws of gravity at this very moment to rise from her chair and let loose a string of accusations against the sisters regarding their involvement in the mysterious deaths and disappearances of, among others, Andy Trudeau, Inspector Rodriguez, Reese Davidson, and Prue. Each of these incidents, save for the last, has its own folder on Pepper Anderson's desk, labeled with the name of the deceased. For some unexplained reason, another, never-mentioned folder bears the name "Gordon," and I think we can take that as proof that the irritating Jenny is, in fact, rotting away deep beneath her murderous, greasy stalker of an uncle's old house. Hooray! Anyway, Pepper eventually gets around to blaming the gals for her coma, and it's at this point that Agent Keyes finally admits to the department's complicity in that little drama. Pepper is shocked and appalled. I'm bored. Remind me again why I'm supposed to care about any of this? Especially when Pepper makes outraged noises that include her accusing Agent Keyes of arriving on the scene "with Brody's trank gun" to hurl her back into a coma? 'Cause, you know, how the fuck does Pepper Anderson know she was shot with a tranquilizer gun? Gah. And yet it goes on! Endless, I tell you! This scene has no end! Oh, thank God. Keyes finally drops the bitchcraft bomb on Pepper's head, and it's over. Christ.
Nonexistent Attic. Moe lopes in from the upper stairwell to find Zankou abusing the Book in search of a "reversal spell" that will prevent the gals from "keeping [him] from the Nexus," but that's not important. What is important is that Moe gets an actual demonic name for the evening, and that name is -- no, I'm not kidding with this -- Khan. Hee. The two natter at each other for a lengthy period of time regarding Zankou's various options until KHAAAAN! realizes that his boss intends to target the sisters, rather than focusing all his effort on successfully absorbing the Dread Friggin' Woogy. "This is no time for personal vendettas," KHAAAAN! chides. "Are you challenging me?" Zankou Beavises. KHAAAAN! instantly backs down, for he's apparently aware of the fact that Zankou's trusted henchdemons are eminently expendable. Zankou accepts the apology graciously enough and sends his "counsel" down to the kitchen to fetch him a snack. Oh, sorry. My bad. Zankou actually needs "mandrake, henbane, and hemlock root." "I'm making a potion," he explains with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. "For what?" KHAAAAN! wants to know. "To steal their powers," Zankou snickers before reminding his underling that "there are other ways of gaining full access to the Book of Shadows." KHAAAAN! clearly thinks this is a lousy idea, but as he'd also like to avoid getting flambéd, he obediently disappears downstairs for the requested ingredients. The camera pokes around Zankou's shoulder to focus on the Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15Next