Many thanks to Djb for pretty much providing this recap's title, and mad props to payndz for calling this episode's plotline last summer.
Previously on Du Wirst Zum Sklaven Gemacht Von Der KooterTt!!!, Phoebe decided to purchase a graduate degree for herself; the ever-useless Elders gave Raige the lovely Mitchell Haines as her first supposed Whitelightery charge; Raige killed a rocking P3 buzz with a dire warning regarding Pepper Anderson, The Best Policewoman In The History Of Forever, who had been blasted with some of Dead Bulging Brody's magical fairy dust after rising from her coma; Piper reminded Raige that Pepper's memory could come roaring back at any second; and Zankou buzzed out of his Underworld prison to absorb the dread Woogy, which instead infected the Dolt, who then blasted Zankou onto his tantalizing, leather-clad ass.
Currently on The Whore Lived Like A Phoebe, we fade up on a crowded Berkeley quad before heading inside a nearby parking garage, where a former male model is in the middle of changing one of the rear tires on Phoebe's car. "Can you hand me the tire iron?" His Hotness asks the Feebs. "Uh, yeah!" she perks, passing His Hotness a lug bolt. Oooo-kay. We can play this one of two ways, kids. With the first option, we pretend they included a bit of dialogue wherein it becomes apparent Phoebe's playing dumb with the big, strong, disturbingly attractive lunkhead of a former male model not only because she equates incompetence with desirability for some reason and is flirting with him, but also because she doesn't want to get axle grease and San Francisco street grime all over her clothes, because otherwise we're going to have to forget that Phoebe is a tire-repair expert. With the second option, we hurl heavy objects at the TV while cursing everyone and everything associated with this stupid fucking show, all the while howling in despair at the thought of an eighth goddamned season. It's your call. Oh, and look at that! In an entirely unexpected Burst Of Cleansing Synchronicity, Phoebe and His Hotness discuss cognitive dissonance. Welcome to the club, assholes. Well, maybe we'll limit the name-calling to Phoebe, because "Tim" certainly is a tasty little thing. Besides, he's not long for this world. Ooops! Spoiler!
“ Hell, the only reason Zankou had anyone to kill for you and Phoebe is because the writers decided to toss two heretofore unseen and unheard-of sacrificial lambs into the script for that very purpose. God, this show sucks! ”
House Of The Dead Dud. Raige knocks a couple of times, calling out Joanna's name until she realizes the door's unlocked. Raige barges in to discover Joanna's battered corpse sprawled on the carpet. Pity. Not. When Raige drops to the floor in dismay, Zankou's revealed to have been lurking in the hall behind her, a slight smile of satisfaction playing across his face. Zankou lingers for a moment before blazing out as Raige strokes Joanna's hair, repeatedly sobbing, "I'm so sorry!" as we dissolve into yet another commercial break.
Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World. The Doormat lopes through the swinging doors to find the Dazzling Sheila sitting with Pepper Anderson, and he immediately gets this hysterical "Oh. Shit!" look on his face when the Dazzling Sheila wheels around in her chair to glare at him. Turns out Pepper Anderson summoned Sheila for a little talk and filled the latter in on all of the Doormat's supposedly suspicious behavior over the last few weeks, noting that at the rate things are going, the Doormat should soon find himself in jail. Needless to say, Sheila is pissed. Pepper snidely takes her leave so the two soon-to-be-bickering marrieds can chat in private, and Sheila immediately lights into the Doormat in a hushed, whispered, intense argument that ends with Sheila issuing the following ultimatum: "It's our family or theirs." The Doormat blinks.
Back at the Manor, Raige, who'd been attempting to reach the Doormat via his cell during the scene, slams the cordless down on one of the wicker tables on the sun porch and crosses to the love seat to bitch, "How could he not answer?" "I'm beginning to think he can't help anyway," Piper breathes as the Dolt furrows his scarily gargantuan gargoyle head in concern. Raige proceeds to beat herself up over Joanna's untimely demise and vows to see Carl put away for life for what he did to her luckless protg, until Piper calmly notes that "Carl" was likely Zankou all along. "Zankou?" the Dolt bugs. "It has to be him," Piper explains. "First Phoebe's friend, and now her charge?" she continues, nodding her head ever so slightly in Raige's direction. "It can't be a coincidence," she concludes. "He's targeting the people in our lives." "What good would that do him?" the Dolt wonders. "Maybe he thinks if we're rattled enough," Piper correctly guesses, "we'll be vulnerable." Raige reminds Piper that none of her own associates have yet been targeted, allowing Piper an opening to propose that Raige orb the kids and the Dolt to Not!warts immediately on the extremely likely chance they're on Zankou's list. The Dolt protests that he'll not just turn tail and flee, but Piper, with near tranquil determination, rises to her feet to insist. The Dolt caves and heads upstairs to fetch the boys. "What about the other people in your life?" Raige wonders once the Dolt is gone. What other people in her life, Raige? There aren't any. Hell, the only reason Zankou had anyone to kill for you and Phoebe is because the writers decided to toss two heretofore unseen and unheard-of sacrificial lambs into the script for that very purpose. God, this show sucks! Piper, ignoring me, replies, "The best way to protect them is to get to Zankou, and for that we need Phoebe." And just where is that bony skank, anyway?
“ Seems the spell they used on the Source is useless, Phoebe asserts, as Zankou 'will be ready for that.' Uh. Whatever. There's less than a minute left, so I'm not even going to bother with the stupidity of that statement, except to say this: Consider the puny little brain that produced it. ”
Phoebe hoots and yodels for a bit until she realizes she's free to leap to Piper's side and attempt to console her older sister with, "You had to." "We all did," Raige amends as she joins them, "except for, apparently, you, you bony fucking skank. Once again, one of us had to come through in a pinch to save your worthless ass." Or maybe she said the first three words and telepathically transmitted the rest. To me. Corpse Fucker makes some whinging noises about the wanton destruction of his slightly sticky meat puppets, but it doesn't matter at all, for at that moment Zankou suddenly appears in the chamber's stone stairwell to hurl a Flaming Ball Of Death at his supposed chum, who howls and wails and vanishes in a merry ball of fire towards The Waste Land. The Glamorous Ladies glare. "Served his purpose," Zankou shrugs. Heh. "Why would you do that?" Piper ices. Zankou broadens his grin, but remains silent. "What do you have to gain?" Piper restates, her voice rising. "You'll soon find out," Zankou twinkles as he vanishes in a pillar of flame. The Glamorous Ladies blink.
Trudeau Memorial, formerly Andy's House Of Beef, formerly The Loneliest Precinct House In The World, and BORING! Long story short, Pepper Anderson and her massive rack make with the threats again, some more, so the Doormat decides to take a vacation, but not before he warns her and her humongous mammaries not to take further action against the Manor Morons, who, he insists, are "above reproach." Pepper Anderson and her mondo-gigunda kachongas tell the Doormat to blow it out his ass.
Nonexistent Attic. The gals trudge in wearily from the upper stairwell, half-heartedly running through the very few vanquishing options they have for Zankou. Seems the spell they used on the Source is useless, Phoebe asserts, as Zankou "will be ready for that." Uh. Whatever. There's less than a minute left, so I'm not even going to bother with the stupidity of that statement, except to say this: Consider the puny little brain that produced it. Piper's more concerned over why Zankou vanquished Corpse Fucker himself. Raige proposes a little Book abuse to solve that particular conundrum, so the ladies turn their collective attention to the Book's stand. Which is empty. D'oh! "Zankou!" Raige uchs. "Yeah, but how did he get it?" Phoebe dims. "Doesn't matter," Piper duhs. "He's got it now." "The question," Raige sighs, dropping her head into her hand, "is what's he gonna do with it?"
Well, for starters, he's gonna sit on a bier down in the Underworld with the Book in his lap, giddily flipping through the pages while giggling, "Now the fun really begins!" God, I hope you're telling the truth, Zankou, 'cause I sure as hell can't take another episode as dull as this one.
Rather than fading to black, we actually fade to a "To Be Continued" title card. week: The season finale, which features public exposure of magic and a SWAT team and use of deadly force and is therefore entirely unlike "All Hell Breaks Loose." No, seriously. No. Seriously. Do you really believe they'd recycle the plotline from one of the best episodes they ever made? Whaddya think they are -- dumb or something?