Previously on Charmed, last week, pretty much.
Currently on Charmed, we fade up on the potions-laden table in the nonexistent attic; the camera pulls a slow pan past various Mason jars and bottles and whatnot before drawing close to Raige, who's busily abusing the Book of Shadows as Secretly INSANE Brody raps at the door. "Hey," he opens, interrupting her research. "I let myself in. Hope that's okay." Six and a half years, and they're still not locking the goddamn front door. These people. These stupid, stupid people. Raige, clutching a piece of paper upon which she's scribbled something from the Book, skitters across the nonexistent room to greet the obscenely bulging boyfriend with a quick peck on the cheek before returning to the table to complete the potion she'd been mixing. As Brody too-idly wonders what's up, Raige exposits that the Glamorous Ladies have been on a demon-sporking tear as of late, thanks to a massive assist from the Avatars. Brody, for some reason, still hates the idea that his wan little girlfriend is in cahoots with those entities he recently learned did not, in fact, kill his parents. "It doesn't mean they're still not a threat," he claims. "It doesn't change the ten years I spent learning who they really are, or why people fought them off for thousands of years before us." "Haven't we been over this?" Raige sighs, so very weary of the entire topic. "Apparently not enough," he shoots back at her, and you know what? I'd probably care more about this if he, oh, I don't know, actually cited some of that murky research he's always babbling on about. One of the things we have yet to and will never learn, for example, is why the Egyptians viewed the Avatars as such a threat that they went to all the trouble of concocting and testing a series of potions until they found one with just the right amount of Avatar-hating tendrilly doom to kill them.
But whatever. Like I said, nothing like that is ever discussed, so I guess we're supposed to ignore it all in favor of listening to the heartfelt pep-talk Raige gives Brody at this juncture, which...is pretty fucking tedious, and rather poorly delivered in the manner to which we've become accustomed from Rose McGowan, so let's skip ahead to the part where Brody wonders how "The Change" is going to happen. "They're going to help us write a spell," Raige replies as she crosses back over to the Book to continue jotting down details from the entry she'd been consulting. "What kind of spell?" Brody asks, still suspicious. "I don't know yet," Raige admits, screwing up her face into a hideous -- erm, I mean, "cute" -- little grimace. "You don't know," Brody dazedly repeats. "They're getting you to remake the frigging world, and you don't know?" "I've been a little busy," Raige protests weakly. "Kind of a fundamental question to ask, don't you think?" Brody counters, and I hate to admit it, but he's got a point. Raige non-answers that she thinks "it's more important to get rid of as many demons as possible," and when Brody then wonders whether the ever-useless Elders have been consulted, Raige rolls her eyes and sneers, "I don't think they would understand." She softens a bit and rounds the Book's stand to give him a lingering kiss before excusing herself with, "I have one more demon to go after, okay?" She checks a final detail in the Book, then orbs out of the room. Leaving Secretly INSANE Brody alone with the Book. Despite the fact that she should have learned long ago that leaving her boyfriends alone with the Book rarely if ever results in anything good. Dim witch.
Brody stands in place for a few seconds after Raige's orb cloud has dissipated, then shiftily eyes the nonexistent room's door for signs of Piper or Phoebe. Once he's confirmed he's alone, he eases over to the stand and starts frantically flipping through the pages, rather quickly stumbling across the entry for the Elders. He places his hands on the entry, closes his eyes to concentrate, and announces, "I beg you, if you can hear me, I can help you stop the Avatars. I still have a vanquishing potion." The camera tracks slowly in towards his face for a long moment before cutting to a shot from the center of the room. An ethereal breeze enters the room to ruffle his clothing before the carpet beneath his feet irises opens and he drops straight down into...
...Hell. D'oh! Pretty cool effect there, by the way. In any event, Brody for some reason does not recognize his surroundings for what they are and wonders, "Are you an Elder?" as Zankou saunters on over to the alcove in which Brody's arrived. Zankou takes a moment to smirk at the stupidity of the question before carefully enunciating, "Hardly." Brody quietly freaks. Zankou grins, savoring Brody's distress before vanishing into the opening credits.
Dogface spawned on 7th Heaven? What rough beast, indeed.
Hello, seemingly endless opening travelogue! Oh, how I've missed you this season. As the suave yet raspy Seal wails, "Bring it on!" repeatedly -- geddit? -- the camera spins around the bridges and the bay just long enough for me to wonder if people of San Francisco are going to remember, after The Change, why there's an enormous prison plonked down in the middle of the harbor. Which then makes me wonder what will become of the world's prison population during The Change, and somebody had better slap me out of such ruminations, because, I can assure you, we'll never find out, for the crack monkeys have likely once again failed to think through the central conceit of the episode, and, well, that way madness lies. Anyhoo, at the close of the travelogue, the camera rips back through the early morning low-lying fog to whisk us back down to Hell as Seal's voice goes all echoey, and we find the boys much as we left them before the hideous image of Beverley Mitchell expelling wretched foulness from her uterus in an elevator was seared onto our retinas. "You said something about a vanquishing potion?" Zankou smoothly leads, advancing upon Secretly INSANE Brody, who uneasily backs himself away from the approaching demon by stumbling around the large, open-pit fire at the center of the chamber. "How'd you know about that?" Brody gulps. "We intercepted your little cry for help!" Max Perlich pipes up from the demonic peanut gallery on the far side of the room, and sweet Jesus, why was his annoying ass not vanquished in the last episode? With any luck, I'll be able to ignore him much as I did last week, lest his presence on my TV screen fill my heart with black, murderous rage. Zankou, God love him, shoots a Death Glare at Irritating Max Perlich, shutting the latter up for the moment. Brody nervously confirms that he is indeed in possession of a potion that harms the Avatars alone. Zankou, visibly pleased with the news, affably suggests that they "have a lot in common." "We both wish to stop what they're trying to do," he elaborates. "We both desire to keep things as they are, yes?" Brody sort of nods in agreement. "In order to do that," Zankou continues, "we're going to have to work together." He spreads his arms wide and, addressing the assembled dark demonic forces as much as he is Brody, notes that, with the Charmed Ones' help, the Avatars are "decimating" the forces of Hell. This displeases Zankou, for all of the obvious reasons. "I'm not helping you hurt the sisters," Brody immediately insists. Irritating Max Perlich Renfields something about not wanting to off the gals just yet. Zankou bores holes through him with his eyes and, ambling over to wrap a paw around Irritating Max Perlich's bald head, ices, "Remind me why I tolerate you again?" "Because you're running low on demons?" Irritating Max guesses. Screw the current labor shortage in Hell, Zankou, and off the annoying fucker anyway.
Sadly, I find yet another of my perfectly reasonable suggestions ignored as Brody, finally grasping what's really going on here, splutters out that he couldn't possibly offer Zankou the assistance the latter seeks because, you know, they're all demons. "Yes," Zankou confirms in a booming voice, "yes, we are." "Which makes us -- for better or worse -- fundamental to the grand design," he continues as he circles an increasingly uneasy Brody, and I'm going to transcribe his entire little speech here, because it rather succinctly zeroes in on the central problem with the Avatars' plans for the planet: "It keeps things in balance. Gives the necessary contrast to all that you covet -- to all that is good -- and therein lies our mutual problem. You see, without the one, there can't be the other. Without evil, there can be no good." Trite, yes, but I'm sure some pathetic ten-year-old's mind was just blown somewhere in North America, and that's really all that matters, isn't it? ["Keep in mind that the basic binary nature of this concept was beyond the ken of Buffy's writing team in the seventh season." -- Sars] Brody cautiously concedes that he agrees with Zankou, then wonders how Zankou proposes to stop the Avatars. Zankou understands that Brody's Destructive Egyptian Vial Of Tendrilly Avatar Doom, by killing one Avatar, should weaken the others to the point where the forces of Hell might eliminate them all. "The problem is," he admits, "the Avatars have insulated themselves now. Only the sisters can get to them." To that end, Zankou will have Brody do, um, something to the Glamorous Ladies at some point later in the episode. Zankou, while clearly having thought the whole thing through rather thoroughly, actually chooses to reveal his plan in bits and pieces throughout the evening, and I'm torn between finding it annoying and finding it shockingly intriguing and well-crafted storytelling for this show, as well as a sign of the character's intelligence. I mean, how many demons in the past have offered up vast, entire mission statements at the beginning of the episode, often before the credits have rolled? "Yes! We shall lure the Charmed Ones into the open by exploiting a mermaid/their Whitelighter/a muse/Piper's sons/skanky, underaged, and taste-free Dishwalla groupies, and once we have vanquished the Halliwells, we shall rule the world! Mua ha ha ha ha ha!" And then those demons get whacked by the second commercial break. Taking the entire hour for a demonic plot to play out is almost unheard of on this show.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah: Zankou's about to reveal Brody's initial role in his cunning plan when Brody, stricken finally by his conscience, offers a simple "I can't." The assembled dark demonic horde snickers maliciously as Zankou strides across the room to push his face within an inch of Brody's. And then they kissed, and it was wicked hot for some sick, bizarre reason, because Oded Fehr totally looks like the kind of guy who specializes in extreme bondage porn, and that stuff is just gross. Kidding! I'm just kidding! Zankou actually breathes, "You will," before erupting into a fireball that forces Brody to gasp in shock and curl into a cowering cringe as Zankou blazes from the chamber for points unknown.
Not!warts. I'm Not Candy and the Avatar I have yet to nickname stroll around the headmistress's office, offering Raige instruction and advice. "The problem is," No Name tells her, "his powers go beyond the physical. Zankou has the power of prescience as well -- he anticipates where we'll be looking for him ." Raige notes that they've rid themselves of nearly all the remaining upper-level demons, so what's the big deal? Can't they move forward with The Change despite Zankou's continued existence? I'm Not Candy rather forcefully informs her that they cannot. No Name's all, "We might not have a choice, big guy." The "planetary alignment," you see, is optimal at the moment for initiating The Change, so they might have to go through with it regardless of Zankou's status, and I just totally zoned out on what they're babbling at each other because of a massive continuity error. Rose McGowan had been sitting at the desk wearing a rather modestly zippered pink hoodie throughout the above, but when the camera cuts back to her for a reaction to I'm Not Candy's latest outburst, the hoodie's disappeared, and she's clad in the crimson camisole thing they're calling a blouse this evening that she was sporting at the top of the hour. All the money they blow on this damn thing every week, and they never, ever, ever get it all right. Anyway, back to the plot: Raige reminds the Avatars that they earlier conceded the fact that a few demons would remain after The Change and could be handled then. I'm Not Candy allows this, but insists that Zankou represents a "unique threat -- one that could bring enough conflict into Utopia to undermine it." As Zankou is determined to do all in his power to destroy what the Avatars have planned for humanity, he must be dealt with immediately. Raige, still not wearing that pink hoodie, focuses on that "all in his power" bit and, mindful of The Bulge's attitude that morning, sighs, "He's not the only one." She rather hesitantly rises from her seat to ask, "Just out of curiosity, that spell that we're gonna cast -- what exactly does it do?" A brief silence greets the question, so Raige uncomfortably shrugs her shoulders around and adds, "Unless you don't want us to know." I'm Not Candy takes his time to offer the following, frostily delivered explanation: "The spell will put everyone to sleep, but only for a few hours. Just long enough to erase the mindset of duality, of good and evil." "To allow the original design," No Name elaborates with a far warmer smile on his face, "that which every human being has imprinted in their hearts, to take hold." So...not so much Utopia, then, as Eden? I guess. I don't know. Nor do I really care, because you know something's going to happen to fuck it all up. And it's probably going to be Phoebe's fault. Because Phoebe ruins everything! Raige carefully wonders if she and her sisters will fall asleep with everyone else, but doesn't receive an immediate answer, for the shrieking racket accompanying the Dolt's orb cloud reaches their ears at this moment from the hallway outside. "Anybody home?" screeches the Feebs. See what I mean? Everything!
Raige and the Avatars wander out into the Not!warts Not-So-Great Hall to greet Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt. Piper and Phoebe are spattered with demon guts, which they delicately wipe from their faces with a pair of towels. Seems they were on one final demon hunt before The Change begins and managed to take out "six or seven" of the remaining upper-level demons, along with some "Grimlock eggs." So, Grimlocks hatch like chickens. That's, uh, nice to know, I suppose. Raige, peeved that the Avatars neglected to mention the whole enforced-unconsciousness bit of their plan until now, launches into an argument with the others in the room, during which we learn that the Avatars "never intended for [the Glamorous Ladies] to join the [rest of humanity] until much later," as the gals will need to take care of the "Straggler Demons" who blend in with the aboveground populace. And who, as we shall shortly learn, all apparently live in San Francisco, for some stupid reason or another. Phoebe's dismayed to realize that they'll have to continue vanquishing the forces of Hell after The Change, but No Name assures her it should take no longer than a couple of hours to rid the world of the Stragglers. After that, I'm Not Candy promises, the gals will get to decide when to join the rest of humanity in this weird Utopia-of-the-mind the Avatars have planned for everyone else. "You okay with that?" Phoebe asks Raige. Raige's Moustache contemplates its options for a moment, then nods its head and crosses to join its sisters as the Dolt frets a bit about Zankou. "I think I know how to find him," Piper eyebrows as she exits towards the office. Phoebe asks the Dolt for a lift over to All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me so she can "get [her] last column in." "'Last column'?" Raige dims. "Well, yeah!" Phoebe enthuses. "How much advice can a world without conflict need?" I hate it when she's right. HATE. Even more than I hate it when Brody's right. What the hell is going on in this episode? In any event, Phoebe beams up at the Dolt as they both dissolve into orbs and vanish upwards. Left alone once more with the Avatars, Raige offers them an uneasy grin. I'm Not Candy returns it with an equally uneasy one of his own -- one I'm certain he spent hours in front of the mirror mastering, and one which nevertheless would curdle milk. Yeah, this Utopia thing? Not a good idea.
Incidentally, and relevant to I'm Not Candy's obvious unease in actually dealing with the human beings he claims he wants to help, have I ever noted that the Avatars' official names are Alpha (I'm Not Candy), Beta (Uniqua), and Gamma (No Name)? Probably not, because No Name's had so little screen time up to this point that it didn't really make sense until this episode. I'm Not Candy's clearly the eldest of the group and thus likely has a distrust of humanity that may very well derive from said humanity, oh, trying to kill him for the last five thousand years. No Name, with his far kinder disposition, is apparently much more of a recent convert to the cause, and Uniqua falls somewhere in between. I suppose they didn't press the point until now because longtime viewers of this show would naturally wonder where Tony Todd fits into the whole scheme of things. Before, of course, wondering why the hell Candyman hasn't involved himself at all in this, the Avatars' grandest scheme for the planet. Nevertheless, it's probably to the credit of the actors involved that the differences between the Collective's individual members are so readily identifiable, and that those differences make sense. It also means I shall be referring to Brian Krause's character as "Dolta" for the remainder of this storyline. Hee.
Hell. A trio of Celerity Demons explode into Zankou's chamber. Secretly INSANE Brody realizes who they are and screams, "Murderers!" as he charges over to, er, scratch and claw at their faces, or something, because you know a puny little human like him won't be able to do much more than that. Idiot. One of Zankou's henchdemons intercepts Brody before he makes it halfway across the dirt, however, and as Brody struggles manfully with the henchdemon, the leftmost Celerity Demon buhs, "What is this?" "This is his revenge," the center Celerity Demon announces before morphing into Zankou form and demolishing the Celerity Demons with a couple of Flaming Balls Of Death. Brody -- near tears, like, what a little bitch -- pushes himself away from the henchdemon and gapes. "They were the ones who did it, weren't they?" Zankou asks, crossing to Brody once the Celerity Demons have vanished in gouts of flame with their howls of anguish echoing throughout the chamber. Zankou takes Brody's tight-lipped silence as confirmation that, yes, those were the nasty men who offed his Ma and Pa. "You owe me for doing something you could never have done without me," Zankou states with a sly grin spreading across his face, "and you will repay me by doing something I can't do without you." Zankou stalks away as Brody looks weepy and conflicted. Whatever, you tool.
All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me. Oh, this is a truly wretched scene -- one meant to exploit Alyssa Milano's supposed gift for goofy comedy -- and as it quite fortunately has little to do with this evening's plot, I'll skim through it, okay? Phoebe stands in her office, pitching unanswered advice-seeking letters into the wastepaper basket she's set upon her desk. Elise Rothman, Girl Editor enters with Phoebe's latest column in her hands to inquire about its tone. Seems Phoebe handed in something that reads suspiciously like a farewell note to her readers. There follows some tedious blather wherein Phoebe all but spills the details of The Change while somehow linking it to Elise's failed marriage and rude! but snore. Phoebe finally darts out into the main office, where she doofs her way through a series of overly affectionate goodbyes with her coworkers, all of whom look at her as if she's insane. The one fun bit comes when she approaches "Greg" for a hug, or something, and pulls herself up short as she realizes, "We never liked each other, did we?" Greg pulls this hysterical deadpan as he slowly shakes his head from side to side. And then she finally exits with a grand, gracious-lady wave of her hand. Drop dead, Phoebe. Oh, and Greg? Call me. It's been awfully lonely around here ever since my big gay husband was so brutally murdered by my worthless father-in-law's best friend.
Nonexistent attic. Piper's at the Book, explaining that if they alter the tracking spell they used to locate the Source, it should point them towards Zankou, as those demons were apparently best buddies, or something. I should probably point out that the actual tracking spell they used worked only because the Source had stolen their powers, but I'm enjoying this episode far more than I should, and so would feel churlish were I to mention that particular continuity error at this juncture. Raige, curled up in an armchair by the windows and lost in thought, doesn't respond until Piper prompts her with an impatient, "You listening?" Raige rouses herself to join Piper at the Book for some endless chatter regarding the impending Change, and I don't know about all of you, but "The Change" is starting to sound a little too much like "The Menopause" for my taste. Piper assures Raige that it's okay for her to be a little frightened of what's to come. "It's how we do things," Piper acknowledges. "I'm a little antsy, Phoebe's nostalgic, and you're scared." See what I mean with The Menopause? Raige insists that's not it. "Kyle still thinks the Avatars are a threat," she gesticulates wildly as she paces the floor, "and he's asking some pretty damn good questions." "And you trust him so you trust those questions?" Piper prompts. "Exactly," Raige confirms. Piper launches into a lengthy lecture on Destiny and how the Avatars' version of Utopia might fit into said Destiny and wah before admitting, "I'm tired of sleeping with one eye open wondering which demon is finally gonna get me." Which would be a nice callback to what she gleaned of her future from Big Gay Chris and Daddy Dearest way back during "Hyde School Reunion" if, you know, it was ever made explicit that this is what she is in fact doing. It would clarify her motivation, certainly, but as no specific reference is ever made to the events of that episode, I'm thinking I'm reading far too much into all this, and the crack monkeys are simply having Piper fall back on her long-irritating desire for normalcy to explain away her too-ready acceptance of the Avatars' designs. Raige, unwilling to drop the matter, brings up Brody's never-seen "evidence" while reminding Piper that "his hunches have been right so far." "All of these hunches are based on a myopic point of view," Piper counters, and "myopic" is certainly a big, big word for this show's target audience, isn't it? "He's been trying to get even with these people his entire life," Piper continues. "The fact that they're innocent is besides the point as far as he's concerned." "I know," Raige's Moustache frowns sadly. "We've earned this opportunity," Piper argues. "We deserve it." Raige remains silent, but we're meant to believe she agrees, albeit somewhat reluctantly. "Now let's go find Zankou," Piper states with a quiet determination in her voice. Raige looks fretful for a moment, then rolls her eyes and follows Piper into the upper stairwell.
Hell. Zankou retrieves a small wooden box from a handy niche and, cautioning Secretly INSANE Brody to follow his instructions to the letter, opens it to hoist a small, red crystal into the air. The crystal, when activated by Brody, will infect the Ps with paranoia, to make them "scared and uncertain" "long enough for the Avatars to worry that something's not right and draw them out into the open." "So I can use the potion," Brody realizes. "Precisely," Zankou purrs before assuring Brody that he'll remain immune to the crystal's affects, as it infects only those of a witchy nature. "How do I know you're not gonna harm them?" Brody demands. Zankou's about to respond when the unearthly wails of a vanquished demon hit the chamber from the warren of hallways outside. Raige and Piper, deploying potion vials and the Hands of Discontent, respectively, take out about a half-dozen of Zankou's henchdemons before the remaining guard launches a Flaming Ball Of Death in Raige's direction. She redirects the thing into the guy's chest with her orbing telekinesis, and the guard soon joins his buddies down in The Waste Land. Another five demons explode into the hallway to take his place, but they're quickly dispatched as well. Zankou shouts for the remaining henchdemons to flee and darts over to Brody's side as the henchdemons explode on out of there. Zankou presses the crystal into Brody's hand, insisting, "It's our only chance." "How do I reverse its effects?" Brody splutters. Zankou's response? A massive pimp-smack that sends Brody flying backwards through the air to slam into a jagged outcropping of rock that rips open a gash in his shoulder. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. Hee! "You're gonna need an alibi," Zankou mutters by way of explanation before turning to confront Piper and Raige as they scamper into the room. He holds their gaze for a long moment before blazing out. "Damn!" Piper seethes as Raige spots her boyfriend grunting in agony on the floor. She helps him to his unsteady feet as Piper eyes him suspiciously. "I'm all right!" Brody insists. "Great," Piper retorts. "Then maybe you can explain what you're doing down here." The camera pans in on Brody's clenched jaw before the obscenely bulging and grievously wounded federal agent disappears into the commercial break.
Manor. Up in the nonexistent attic, Dolta attempts to apply the special Whitelighter tingly touch to the bloody gash on Brody's shoulder, but it's not taking, as Brody's obstinately "resisting" the mojo. Brody finally relents, and the tingly touch soon knits up the wound while repairing the tear in his shirt. While all of this is going on, Piper's getting loud about Brody's suspicious presence in Zankou's chamber, more than a little convinced that Brody's working with the demon to prevent The Menopause. Brody sighs and lies that Zankou kidnapped him in hopes of persuading Brody to make another attempt on Dolta's life. Raige frowns at this and wonders why Zankou would think Brody still had the Destructive Egyptian Vial Of Tendrilly Avatar Doom. "You'll have to ask him," Brody grumps. "I will!" Raige blurts, adding for good measure that she's not just going to sit around while a demon chases after her boyfriend. Dolta suggests that the best way to deal with the situation is to help the Avatars initiate The Menopause immediately, as it will both protect Brody and weaken Zankou's position considerably. Brody rises in protest, arguing that the gals don't have to alter the entire planet just to save him. I wouldn't worry too much about that "saving you" stuff if I were you, doll. Ooops! Spoiler! Raige shuts down Brody's argument by in effect talking right past it, and agrees with Dolta that they should move forward with the Avatars' plan immediately. "Tell them we're ready," Piper shrugs in Dolta's direction. After he orbs out, Piper makes note of the uncomfortable silence between Brody and Raige and concocts an excuse to leave the two of them alone to process through whatever issues they have this week. Piper's barely through the door before Brody advances upon Raige, whispering urgently, "I can't let you do this!" "You don't have a choice, honey," she shrugs. "Besides," she smiles, "how bad could a place called Utopia be?" Pretty fucking bad is my guess, Raige, but you weren't asking for my opinion, were you? Raige giggles a bit and turns to follow Piper, but Brody grabs her arm before she can go very far. "Wait," he says, surreptitiously sliding the crystal from his pants pocket. The crystal glows ominously in his hand. "I'm sorry," he offers, and he leans in to kiss her. The instant their lips meet, a tiny burst of electricity jumps from his mouth to hers, and Raige leaps back in surprise. "What was that?" she demands, furrowing her brow at him. Brody plays dumb, claiming it must have been static electricity. Insert the expected joke about Raige's Moustache attracting the charge yourself. "Don't be so paranoid," Brody slyly adds. Raige's Moustache stares at him for a long moment before shrugging, "Okay," and exiting the room. Brody guiltily examines the crystal in his palm before trailing along after her.
Straight Estates. Brody lets himself into his apartment, pauses thoughtfully before closing the door, and heads over to pull a bottle of something cool and refreshing from the refrigerator. There are a lot of small, wordless sequences like this one in this episode, and I suppose now's as good a time as any to mention the fact that the underscoring throughout is unusually good for this show. They've done away with the intrusive horns this evening in favor of some rather muted strings punctuated by a harp, and really. It's odd how well it's all been working. I think somebody on the production staff's been watching a lot of Lost this season. Anyway, as Brody slams the refrigerator door shut, Zankou casually lopes into the kitchenette from the far hall, and Brody goes, "GAAAAHH!" Heh. Zankou confirms that Brody infected Raige with the crystal, and when Brody mutters, "This better work," Zankou agrees, adding, "For both our sakes." Zankou then notes Brody's healed shoulder with no small measure of disdain, sniffing, "Too bad you didn't use the potion on him right there and then. None of this would have been necessary." Brody snatches at this opportunity to switch the topic to one he's far more interested in, spins around, and blurts with increasing desperation flooding his tone, "How do I reverse the paranoia?" "Patience," Zankou counsels, but Brody gets snappish anyway, blaring something about having held up his end of the deal. "As. Have. I," Zankou growls before babbling about humanity's sense of propriety being its greatest weakness, or something. The dialogue in this scene isn't terribly important to this evening's events, but I have to admit that both Oded Fehr and Kerr Smith are doing a terrific job delivering it. Imagine that. A pair of actors who are actually invested in the characters they're playing on this show. Huh.
Anyway, the boys finally reach the point of this scene when Zankou admits he broke into Straight Estates for the sole purpose of swiping the remaining Egyptian potion vial. Brody loudly insists he'll not surrender it -- nor will he use it against an Avatar -- until he's certain the sisters are safe. Zankou's forced to admit that it will take quite some time for the paranoia to reach its full effect. "And to that end, I suggest you come with me," he adds. "Why?" Brody squints. "We wouldn't want you to fall asleep with everyone else, now would we?" Zankou croons lightly with a slight smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye. Goddamn. He's flirting with Brody, isn't he? I mean, I'm not imagining this stuff, am I? "You," Zankou continues, sauntering up to Brody to place a firm grip on the latter's upper arms, "are going to be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back." Brody's sort of twisting his head away from Zankou while retaining a wary eye contact, as if he's afraid Zankou's going to hike his tongue down Brody's own throat at any second. Heh. Instead, Zankou just smirks once more and blazes out of the apartment with Brody in tow. Good scene.
Not!warts. A scattered and jittery Raige is doing something stupid with the books in the library, and I'm going to ignore the disjointed babbling that pours from her mouth when Piper enters the room because this scene, badly acted as it is by Rose McGowan, exists simply to demonstrate the paranoia crystal's increasing effects on her. The only important bit of this comes when Piper crosses to lead Raige by the arm into the Not-So-Great Hall to perform the Avatars' Menopause spell. As Piper's fingers brush against Raige's skin, a tiny burst of electricity leaps between the two women to sting Piper. "What was that?" Piper goggles. Raige says something stupid by way of response. Piper eyes Raige uneasily and leads her from the room.
Out in the Not-So-Great Hall, Piper quickly descends into her own, far more accurate version of the paranoia as Phoebe jiggles over to greet them. When Raige says something particularly asinine, Phoebe presses her palm against Raige's forehead to check for temperature, and for her troubles receives a sparking burst of paranoia herself. I'm Not Candy and No Name, incidentally, witness the entire exchange, and if the idiot Avatars were as super-wonderful and omniscient as they're supposed to be, you'd think they'd realize what's going on. Zankou, after all, introduced Brody to the paranoia crystal by noting a wizard brought down an entire empire with the damn thing, so the Avatars should be well aware of said crystal, its effects, and how those effects are transmitted from person to person. Whatever. As the gals' erratic, sketchy, and scattered behavior quickly ramps up and begins to detract mightily from an episode that's been pretty damn good so far, I decide to skip ahead to this scene's central point: The Change itself. After offering a few last-minute Zankou-related words of advice to the Manor Morons, the Avatars silently summon Uniqua, who flares into the hall toting a wrought "cartouche." With a soothing yet somewhat detached smile, she offers it to the gals, asking them to place their hands on the thing. The ladies comply, forming a small circle in the middle of the assembled group as the established Avatars plus Dolta, in a larger ring surrounding them, lift their arms with their palms upwards and close their eyes. We never do hear the actual spell, but the cartouche soon enough glows, and a small globe of white light forms to hover above its center. The globe quickly bursts outwards and emits a wavering stream of glowy golden mojo that pours up towards the ceiling before the shot cuts to take in...
...all of central San Francisco. The stream of mojo erupts into the air from one of the streets leading up to the Transamerica Pyramid, and I'm going to ignore that entirely, because it means Not!warts is now located smack in the middle of downtown, and that's just stupid. Sigh. And it was going so well up to this point. The stream quickly expands to form a curtain of golden light that stretches to the horizons before washing eastwards, leaving the streets and buildings it passes tinted with a bit of a golden hue. The shot cuts again to take in the United Nations and Chrysler buildings from the East River as the curtain sweeps quickly through New York City before leaping the Atlantic to wipe past Parliament in London (where, incidentally, it's 6:45 PM). The curtain then passes through both Red Square in Moscow and central Tokyo before arriving back at its starting point. As San Francisco is re-enveloped by the cloud, the scene cuts to a city sidewalk, where a throng of pedestrians absorb the mojo and promptly -- but gently -- collapse to the sidewalk. One fucking idiot of an extra very carefully places his coffee cup on the ground before passing out, pretty much ruining the shot. Thanks for nothing, jackass. At a nearby outdoor cafe, two yuppies drop forward unconscious in their seats, their spilled lattes running across the table to stain the woman's skirt. The two subsequent vignettes show pedestrians falling in the streets as various cars and buses draw first to complete stops before their drivers pass out as well. The camera cranes up from the last vignette to take in a couple of now-silent city streets, and congratulations to the effects staff. The foreground of this shot was clearly filmed on the Paramount backlot -- you can see the facade of "Columbia" "University" at one point -- but it's been seamlessly married to background shots of San Francisco itself, so that the backlot street now appears to stretch all the way down to the bay, with Alcatraz Island visible in the far, hazy distance. Okay, guys, now that we know you can pull this stuff off, could you please stop half-assing your way through your jobs and do it every week?
Back in Not!warts, the mojo stream descends from the ceiling to vanish back into the cartouche as the camera pans through the Glamorous Ladies to land on I'm Not Candy, who whispers, "It has begun!" He smiles, and while it appears to be genuine this time, it's no less creepy than his fake one. We get a good, long look at his crooked teeth before he vanishes into the commercial break.
Excellent sequence, that, despite its flaws. And by the way, as it was unreeling the first time, I immediately flashed back on a similar sequence from H. G. Wells's In the Days of the Comet. I'm not a big sci-fi kind of guy, but I did happen to pick up a used copy of that book about fifteen years ago, and the part where the world falls asleep at the same time -- to wake, eventually, in a comet-induced Utopia, by the way -- always stuck with me. Of course, in Wells's book, "[t]he moonlight...illuminated streets and squares littered with crumpled figures, through which such electric cars as had no automatic brakes had ploughed on their way until they were stopped by the fallen bodies," which is both far more realistic and far more disturbing than what just happened here, but whatever. I'm sure the crack monkeys will have a wonderful explanation for why all of those drivers managed to turn off their cars before lapsing into comas.
Oh, and look at that. Here comes Uniqua, toddling down an unnaturally slumbering city street with the Manor Morons to supply what passes for an plausible explanation on this show. "The effect was gradual," she assures Phoebe. "They all fell asleep gently and safely." The gals, poisoned by the paranoia crystal, pepper her with impertinent questions anyway, like how can they be certain no one suffered internal injuries? They also pepper her with some rather relevant ones as well, as when Phoebe wonders aloud what happened to those who happened to be aboard commercial flights when the mojo wave swept the planet. The answer she gets from Dolta? "I'm sure the Avatars took care of all that." Thanks for nothing, Dolta. The gals continue to be bundles of jittery energy, so Uniqua calmly suggests they concentrate on locating the Straggler Demons. Raige instantly believes she's found one "in a bad suit" feigning sleep by the sidewalk. Phoebe whips her arm back to fling a potion vial at his head. Uniqua grabs her arm, however, and reminds her that they must be certain before taking action. Raige skitters over and nudges the guy's shoulder. He doesn't react, so she turns to rejoin her sisters. Just then, the guy leaps to his feet and flings a Flaming Ball Of Death at her back. For whatever reason, it goes wide and destroys a nearby streetlight as Piper deploys her Hands to send the guy howling and wailing towards The Waste Land in a fireball. And I'm just going to assume the late Straggler sensed The Change and took appropriate steps to blend in with the zonked-out humans around him, because otherwise, I can't figure out how he'd know what was going on. Fanwanking: It's What's For Dinner.
In any event, Uniqua reveals that the transformation will take the better part of two hours, and suggests that she and Dolta return to Not!warts to cloak themselves "until it's safe." Dolta refuses to leave the gals unprotected, so Uniqua flares out alone. Dolta then orders the group to split up to hunt for the remaining Stragglers. He'll head off with the Feebs while Raige sticks close to Piper's side. At the first sign of trouble, Raige is to orb Piper back to the Manor. Piper makes paranoid noises about Dolta's possible secretly lustful motivations for heading off with Phoebe instead of his wife, like, do not go there, Piper, before Raige rolls her eyes and drags Piper out of the frame.
Hell. Zankou's meditating, or whatever, over his open-pit barbecue as Secretly INSANE Brody snits, "I don't understand -- what are we waiting for?" He gets his answer when The Straggly Demon Of Bad Suits blazes into the chamber, howling in agony. Zankou, who apparently sucked the Straggler into the chamber, tosses out a quick freeze, then crosses to circle the Straggler with his hand scanning the burning demon's head. Once Zankou's retrieved the information he'd been seeking, he releases the freeze, and the Straggler continues on his way to The Waste Land. At Brody's prompting, Zankou quickly reveals he interrupted the Straggler's vanquish to discover the identity of the Avatar they'll be "flushing out" for Brody's deadly vial of tendrilly doom. Zankou then sends Irritating Max Perlich to recruit a volunteer for the part of his plan while Brody rages on some more about the Glamorous Ladies' safety. "What are we waiting for?" he reiterates. Zankou claps a friendly hand on Brody's shoulder and replies, "The opportune moment for you to show yourself." And with that, Zankou blazes both himself and the bulging one...
...up to Straight Estates, where he reveals yet another small part of this evening's larger plan. Zankou will finagle a way to send Raige, still infected with the paranoia crystal, to Straight Estates. Once Raige arrives, Brody's to convince her that Uniqua, unbeknownst to the other Avatars, placed him in some sort of protected spot so The Change would overtake the rest of the earth's populace while leaving him unaffected. Zankou quite rightly believes that this information will amp up Raige's paranoia to the point where she'll demand an explanation. When Uniqua flares in to offer one, Brody's to unleash the deadly vial of tendrilly doom. Brody once more insists on first learning how to reverse the paranoia. Oded Fehr, who by now has easily become the best guest demon they've had on this show since Crazy Grace Zabriskie -- and even, quite possibly, the early Colethazor -- casually leans against the counter in the kitchenette and at last reveals that all Brody need do is shatter the crystal. Brody makes a mopey face and wonders why Zankou didn't provide that information long before now. "Leverage," Zankou twinkles. He sidles past Brody, exhorting the latter not to miss Uniqua with the deadly vial of tendrilly doom, before backing himself up towards Brody's front door, where he blazes out. Brody, looking all conflicted and angsty, then inexplicably crosses to an old New York City souvenir snow globe -- it features the World Trade Center -- and shakes it around pensively because he's...thinking about his parents again? And how his life's unfortunate events have conspired to lead him to this point? It's not clear.
Out in the street, Phoebe and Dolta pick their way through a clot of slumbering bodies outside a movie theater as Phoebe's paranoia leads her once more to question the Avatars' true motives, going to far as to compare them to Greeks bearing gifts and whatnot. So distracted is she that she fails to spot a couple of Stragglers in time, and is forced to jiggle away to safety while Dolta deals with the demons. He demolishes one Flaming Ball Of Death and takes another one, harmlessly, to his shoulder before the two Stragglers squiggle out. Why he didn't vanquish them is beyond me, but that, supposedly, isn't as important as Dolta realizing there's something very wrong with his sister-in-law. He's just noticing this now? Dolta latches onto her arm and orbs out of there, heading back to the Manor.
Closer to the waterfront, Piper and Raige amble through an alleyway littered with an unusual number of sleeping people. As Piper gradually realizes that she and Raige are not quite right in the head, Uniqua unexpectedly flares into the alleyway. Piper instantly deploys the Hands, sending Uniqua skidding halfway down the asphalt on her ass. Heh. Uniqua quickly rises to smooth her hair and brush off her coat as Piper apologizes as profusely as she can. Which, being Piper, isn't very. Raige wonders what gives, so Uniqua informs them that she and the other Avatars are worried about Brody. They can't sense what, exactly, is wrong with him, but they do know he didn't fall asleep with the rest of the planet. Uniqua reveals they believe Zankou is behind it all. "Dammit," Raige grunts. "I knew I shouldn't have left him alone." She orbs out immediately, leaving Piper alone in the alleyway with the Avatar. "Hey!" Piper shouts at the sky. "You can't leave me here!" While Piper's thus occupied, Uniqua flicks her hand around in a terribly suspicious manner. A demonic henchhottie of Zankou's squiggles in at the far end of the alleyway and nods briefly at his morphed boss before glaring at Piper. "Demon!" Zaniqua hisses. Piper, painfully slow on the uptake, goes, "Whuh?" and dumbly glances around before chasing after the henchhottie as he disappears on foot around a corner. The moment she's gone, Zaniqua smirks and morphs up into Zankou. That was actually a pretty decent fake-out. Can you believe it?
Straight Estates. Raige orbs directly into the living room and calls out for Brody, who emerges from the bedroom to greet her. Raige quickly tries to orb him over to the Manor, but Brody, reciting his Zankou-provided lines, lies that he faces no demonic threat at that moment. Rather, it was Uniqua herself who intervened and prevented him from falling asleep. Raige gets a panicky look in her eyes and calls Uniqua's name. The Avatar in question promptly flares into the room, and a tense standoff ensues when she realizes with alarm that Brody's still awake. While Raige tries and fails to figure out what the hell is going on, Brody clenches his jaw and smashes the paranoia crystal on the floorboards. The instant the thing shatters in a small spray of sparks, Raige flares red and gasps, "What was that?" "I wanted to make sure you were back to normal before I..." Brody breathes as Uniqua eyes him with growing alarm. "Before what?" Raige demands. Brody slides the deadly vial of tendrilly doom from his pocket and prepares to hurl it at Uniqua. Uniqua, eyes bulging, gets the snap on him and flings out her right hand, releasing a massive spray of sporking electricity into his chest. Brody flips backwards through the air to smash into the kitchenette counter as the vial crashes to the floor. The tendrilly doom instantly surges upwards and floods Uniqua's nose and mouth. Lines of foul poison shoot through her face beneath her skin as she drops to the floor, apparently dead before she lands. Raige races to Brody's side and eases him onto his back as he coughs and gasps. Tears form in Raige's eyes as her quivering lips vanish into the final commercial break.
Straight Estates. Aftermath. "Please don't hate me," Brody whispers. "I don't hate you," Raige whimpers as the tears start flowing from her eyes, "of course I don't hate you." "I didn't want it to end like this," Brody barely manages to gasp. Raige, whose tears are rather inelegantly gathering at the tip of her nose before dropping off onto Brody's shirt and thus bear an unsightly resemblance to dripping snot, vows to call for help. Brody nixes this idea, as the Avatars -- specifically Dolta -- are now incredibly vulnerable. "Why did you do this?" Raige weeps, and I must admit, Rose McGowan's doing more to sell this scene than she has for any other since last season's finale. Were her more recent performances not so annoying, I might be buying it. "To stop them," Brody replies as he reaches to stroke her hair. Desperate, Raige calls out for Dolta. She's answered by I'm Not Candy and No Name, who flare into the room above the corpse of their fallen comrade. "He can't hear you," I'm Not Candy frosts. "He's been...affected by what's happened. We all have." "Can't you just rewind time?" Raige demands through tears and red-rimmed eyes. "Just go back and fix it?" I'm Not Candy claims the Avatars have "come too far to go back now." Um. Too far in the last thirty seconds? The hell? Why didn't he just say they no longer had the power necessary to pull another reversal? Feh. I never liked him anyway, and he's probably going to be dead by this time week, so whatever. Shame they couldn't get Tony Todd for this story arc. "But he's dying!" Raige mewls, clutching at Brody as No Name kneels to gently close Uniqua's vacantly staring eyes. "Yes," I'm Not Candy growls at her, "and he's weakened the Collective -- risked losing all we've worked to create." So, no sympathy for the bulge there, I suppose. I'm Not Candy and No Name babble at each other about consolidating power in order to prevent Zankou from screwing up The Change. Raige finally gets loud, spitting something about her dying boyfriend. "The needs of the one," I'm Not Candy carefully enunciates, "must be sacrificed for the good of the many." I think the ever-useless Elders used this argument on Dolta a while back, and it works as well on Raige as it did on him. "I did not sign up for this experiment so you could play God!" she seethes, rising to challenge him as No Name glances uneasily in her direction. "You fix this!" she cries. "Right now!" "He's dead," No Name murmurs, and do you want to know how much I like this episode? I didn't even cheer when he said that. Well, not for long. Raige's face falls, and she rejoins rapidly cooling Brody on the floor, whimpering, "Please don't go," as she touches his face. I'm Not Candy and No Name hold a quick processing summit at the far end of the apartment, realizing that news of Brody's death at Uniqua's hand will likely turn Piper and Phoebe against the Avatars as well. They turn to gaze at Raige, their eyes glowing yellow as they do so. Raige, still weeping, falls unconscious in dead Brody's cold embrace. Gah! Can you imagine waking up to a corpse like that? I don't care if you are waking into Utopia. Years of therapy, people. I'm Not Candy and No Name smile, and the effect is somewhat chilling.
Nonexistent Attic. Phoebe's NIPPLES are babbling something about her suddenly vanished sense of paranoia as Dolta eyes them uneasily. Seriously. I paused the tape right after she sits down on Aunt Pearl's sofa, and Brian Krause is staring right at her high beams. Hee. Dolta notes that while Phoebe might be fine, he's suddenly feeling a whole lot weaker. As Phoebe suggests he sit down, she's whacked with the Utopia mojo, and collapses against the arm of the sofa. Dolta frantically shakes her in a futile attempt to rouse her, then realizes that Piper's likely in danger as well. Off his increasingly frantic expression, the shot cuts over to...
...another waterfront alleyway, where Piper lies unconscious in the foreground as Dolta orbs onto the pavement behind her. He hurdles some prone bodies to leap to her side as I'm Not Candy and No Name flare in. "What have you done to her?" Dolta demands. "They weren't supposed to turn yet -- not until they were ready!" I'm Not Candy and No Name bring Dolta up to speed on recent events. Dolta, naturally, is shocked and appalled, but also still a little outraged that his fellow Avatars would smack the Glam Gals up with the Utopia mojo without first consulting him. "We must press on now," I'm Not Candy insists, "or Zankou will win. All that we've done will have been for naught. We can still give them the world they've always wanted, [Dolta] -- the happiness they've never known. The happiness you've never known." "But we must move quickly," he finishes, nodding to No Name, "and as one." Dolta's not so sure Raige will be okay with all this once she wakes up. "She will understand," No Name vows. "Everyone will understand," I'm Not Candy adds mildly enough, but still with a great sense of menace in his voice, "that those who bring conflict into the world cannot be tolerated." And the camera's so close to his face during that ominous statement that I can count his pores. I also suppose I have the answer to my earlier question regarding the current prison population. And the gays, more likely than not. Including SpongeBob. Focus On The Family should be pleased. Fuckers. Dolta looks dismayed, but it's apparent he caves anyway.
Some indeterminate period of time later, everyone out on the streets wakes up. And they're all really, really perky. This should fucking blow.
Hell. Irritating Max Perlich is so very, very sad, for Big Bad Zankou has apparently failed, and now there's no one left to play the demons' little hellhound games. "It's over," he glums. "We don't stand a chance in this new world." "Still," Zankou cautions somewhat cryptically, "we planted a seed. Let's see if it sprouts." Irritating Max Perlich frets impotently as Zankou's inscrutable expression vanishes in a flash of white light that...
...takes up back up to the Manor. Dolta orbs Piper into the main hall, with the latter in mid-rant. "I don't see what you're so worried about," she chides. "It's all good as far as I'm concerned." Heh. Even in Utopia, the Dolt's still whipped. "But they were supposed to wait until you were ready," Dolta whines. Piper's been more than ready for this transformation for a long time, thank you very much, so she's quite naturally of the opinion that Dolta should just calm the hell down already. Phoebe's NIPPLES jostle down the stairs at this point, burbling something about how great they feel. There's more nattering of this sort, during which Phoebe does reveal that she still remembers the "old way," she just not stressed about anything anymore. I don't know if that means everyone remembers their past way of life now, or if it's just the Glamorous Ladies. I guess we'll have to wait and see. Raige eventually orbs in to join them, and stands fidgeting near the dining room table as Piper and Phoebe cross to wrap her in an embrace and coo words of sympathy and support. Raige, remarkably, seems at peace, despite having woken up in the clammy clutches of her dead boyfriend mere seconds ago. "It's really sad," she admits, not sounding terribly sad about it at all, "but he's going on to a better place." And with that, she announces she's heading upstairs to rest. Phoebe and Piper glance briefly at Dolta, then silently follow Raige to the second floor. The score gets a decidedly threatening, Bernard-Herrmann-in-Vertigo-esque tone to it as Dolta placidly watches them disappear before allowing his face to fall. He turns away from the camera as his eyes fill with doubt and we finally fade to black.
Erm. We actually fade to a "To Be Continued" title card. Yep, week, the thrilling conclusion. I'm so excited, I could...well, wait for it, actually. I wonder how Phoebe's going to screw everything up?