Episode Report Card Demian: B+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Something Better Change
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.22.2005
All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me. Oh, this is a truly wretched scene -- one meant to exploit Alyssa Milano's supposed gift for goofy comedy -- and as it quite fortunately has little to do with this evening's plot, I'll skim through it, okay? Phoebe stands in her office, pitching unanswered advice-seeking letters into the wastepaper basket she's set upon her desk. Elise Rothman, Girl Editor enters with Phoebe's latest column in her hands to inquire about its tone. Seems Phoebe handed in something that reads suspiciously like a farewell note to her readers. There follows some tedious blather wherein Phoebe all but spills the details of The Change while somehow linking it to Elise's failed marriage and rude! but snore. Phoebe finally darts out into the main office, where she doofs her way through a series of overly affectionate goodbyes with her coworkers, all of whom look at her as if she's insane. The one fun bit comes when she approaches "Greg" for a hug, or something, and pulls herself up short as she realizes, "We never liked each other, did we?" Greg pulls this hysterical deadpan as he slowly shakes his head from side to side. And then she finally exits with a grand, gracious-lady wave of her hand. Drop dead, Phoebe. Oh, and Greg? Call me. It's been awfully lonely around here ever since my big gay husband was so brutally murdered by my worthless father-in-law's best friend.
Nonexistent attic. Piper's at the Book, explaining that if they alter the tracking spell they used to locate the Source, it should point them towards Zankou, as those demons were apparently best buddies, or something. I should probably point out that the actual tracking spell they used worked only because the Source had stolen their powers, but I'm enjoying this episode far more than I should, and so would feel churlish were I to mention that particular continuity error at this juncture. Raige, curled up in an armchair by the windows and lost in thought, doesn't respond until Piper prompts her with an impatient, "You listening?" Raige rouses herself to join Piper at the Book for some endless chatter regarding the impending Change, and I don't know about all of you, but "The Change" is starting to sound a little too much like "The Menopause" for my taste. Piper assures Raige that it's okay for her to be a little frightened of what's to come. "It's how we do things," Piper acknowledges. "I'm a little antsy, Phoebe's nostalgic, and you're scared." See what I mean with The Menopause? Raige insists that's not it. "Kyle still thinks the Avatars are a threat," she gesticulates wildly as she paces the floor, "and he's asking some pretty damn good questions." "And you trust him so you trust those questions?" Piper prompts. "Exactly," Raige confirms. Piper launches into a lengthy lecture on Destiny and how the Avatars' version of Utopia might fit into said Destiny and wah before admitting, "I'm tired of sleeping with one eye open wondering which demon is finally gonna get me." Which would be a nice callback to what she gleaned of her future from Big Gay Chris and Daddy Dearest way back during "Hyde School Reunion" if, you know, it was ever made explicit that this is what she is in fact doing. It would clarify her motivation, certainly, but as no specific reference is ever made to the events of that episode, I'm thinking I'm reading far too much into all this, and the crack monkeys are simply having Piper fall back on her long-irritating desire for normalcy to explain away her too-ready acceptance of the Avatars' designs. Raige, unwilling to drop the matter, brings up Brody's never-seen "evidence" while reminding Piper that "his hunches have been right so far." "All of these hunches are based on a myopic point of view," Piper counters, and "myopic" is certainly a big, big word for this show's target audience, isn't it? "He's been trying to get even with these people his entire life," Piper continues. "The fact that they're innocent is besides the point as far as he's concerned." "I know," Raige's Moustache frowns sadly. "We've earned this opportunity," Piper argues. "We deserve it." Raige remains silent, but we're meant to believe she agrees, albeit somewhat reluctantly. "Now let's go find Zankou," Piper states with a quiet determination in her voice. Raige looks fretful for a moment, then rolls her eyes and follows Piper into the upper stairwell.
Hell. Zankou retrieves a small wooden box from a handy niche and, cautioning Secretly INSANE Brody to follow his instructions to the letter, opens it to hoist a small, red crystal into the air. The crystal, when activated by Brody, will infect the Ps with paranoia, to make them "scared and uncertain" "long enough for the Avatars to worry that something's not right and draw them out into the open." "So I can use the potion," Brody realizes. "Precisely," Zankou purrs before assuring Brody that he'll remain immune to the crystal's affects, as it infects only those of a witchy nature. "How do I know you're not gonna harm them?" Brody demands. Zankou's about to respond when the unearthly wails of a vanquished demon hit the chamber from the warren of hallways outside. Raige and Piper, deploying potion vials and the Hands of Discontent, respectively, take out about a half-dozen of Zankou's henchdemons before the remaining guard launches a Flaming Ball Of Death in Raige's direction. She redirects the thing into the guy's chest with her orbing telekinesis, and the guard soon joins his buddies down in The Waste Land. Another five demons explode into the hallway to take his place, but they're quickly dispatched as well. Zankou shouts for the remaining henchdemons to flee and darts over to Brody's side as the henchdemons explode on out of there. Zankou presses the crystal into Brody's hand, insisting, "It's our only chance." "How do I reverse its effects?" Brody splutters. Zankou's response? A massive pimp-smack that sends Brody flying backwards through the air to slam into a jagged outcropping of rock that rips open a gash in his shoulder. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. Hee! "You're gonna need an alibi," Zankou mutters by way of explanation before turning to confront Piper and Raige as they scamper into the room. He holds their gaze for a long moment before blazing out. "Damn!" Piper seethes as Raige spots her boyfriend grunting in agony on the floor. She helps him to his unsteady feet as Piper eyes him suspiciously. "I'm all right!" Brody insists. "Great," Piper retorts. "Then maybe you can explain what you're doing down here." The camera pans in on Brody's clenched jaw before the obscenely bulging and grievously wounded federal agent disappears into the commercial break.