Props to the lovely and talented and fabulous Maracev, for some mad crazy closed-captioning skills.
As I type these opening lines, my roommate -- with whom I have, at best, a cordial relationship -- is hosting twenty people I have never met for a Thanksgiving dinner I found out about this morning, in a tiny, two-bedroom apartment, with three dogs running around underfoot -- well, actually, more like running around at waist level, because these are huge fucking dogs, despite the fact that their owners all live in tiny two-bedroom apartments, like, on what plane of existence is that ever a good idea? -- and the dogs, when they're not busily defecating on the carpet, are apparently leaping up into people's laps to scarf food off the plates because none of the idiots out there realize what a stupid, stupid idea it is to have three huge and indifferently trained dogs jumping around during Thanksgiving dinner instead of, oh, say, locking them into one of the unused rooms for the duration, and the conversation has just taken a truly bizarre turn, as the invited guests -- dizzy, dimwitted, foul little fairies all -- have just learned to their apparent befuddlement and booze-fueled consternation that one of their number is -- gasp! -- Jewish, which is all a terribly roundabout way for me to note that although this episode was pretty damn good, especially when one considers this show's recent track record, I'm in just the right frame of mind to rip it to shreds anyway.
By the way, I'd like to dedicate this recap to the anonymous New York City maitre d' who informed the Bush twins and their Secret Service entourage that no tables were available for their party, nor would any become available for the four years, so they might want to take their business elsewhere. Atta boy.
Ahem.
Previously on Charmed, there was much evasion and prevarication when Raige and Detective Doormat inquired as to the current whereabouts of Pepper Anderson, The Best Policewoman In The History Of Forever; Raige introduced Li'l Bulging Brody to the many joys of Book abuse because she trusts him; Raige and Li'l Bulging Brody totally did it; I'm Not Candy went Dolt diving and a vast blackness descended upon the earth, because that shit is just disgusting; the Dolt got another promotion and used his newfound abilities to pitch some rosy woo in Piper's general direction; and Piper told him to shove it all up his massive, child-abandoning ass.
Oh, Jesus H. Motherfucking Christ on a trike. Now those foul little fairies are going around the table rather unctuously proclaiming what they're thankful for this year. How...Baptist of them. It sounds more like a goddamned Al-Anon meeting than a Thanksgiving dinner. And yes, the huge and indifferently trained dogs are still jumping around and defecating on the carpets. Just so you know.
Feh.
Currently on Charmed, Piper's seated at the table in the nonexistent attic, sticking pushpins into a laminated map of the city spread out before her. She then takes a ruler and a Sharpie and rather intently connects the various pinned map coordinates as the Dolt lopes into the doorway beyond her from the upper stairs. Still focused on the evolving diagram she's been drawing, Piper accidentally pricks her finger on the business end of an as-yet-unused pin and yelps, "Ow!" "What happened?" the Dolt dolts solicitously. "You okay?" "Yeah," Piper mutters, glancing briefly and somewhat dismissively at the ex-husband. "Nothing a little sleep can't fix," she continues as she refocuses her attention on the task at hand. The Dolt rather kindly offers to heal her finger, which for some reason causes Piper to become instantly and disproportionately shrewish. They bicker back and forth and snap at each other for a bit before Piper flatly announces that there will be no blathering through any Issues the two might have, as determining the location of the demonic attack is far more important. "And I think I just did," she breathes as she uses the established pattern of attacks to land on another set of coordinates. The completed Sharpie diagram on the map is in the form of a pentagram. "Naturally," Piper sneers, exhausted, as she tosses the ruler aside. The Dolt, who's apparently continued to root through Cole's discarded clothing in addition to rooting through Cole's discarded plotlines, exasperates, "What do you want from me? What do I have to do to prove that I've changed -- that I'm okay?" Piper's nostrils flare as she inhales sharply, obviously trying to maintain what little remains of her shredded patience, and she rises from the table to angle wordlessly around the Dolt for the door. She stops short, turns, and asks if Phoebe and Raige have finished mixing the latest demon-destroying potion. The Dolt gets loud, snottily observing that Piper's ignoring his question. Piper icily inquires, "So, I have to answer your questions, but you don't have to answer mine?" You might find yourself wondering what the hell happened between these two nimrods over the last week to lead to this contentious behavior, and you'd be wasting your time. We never find out. Naturally. Piper sarcastically excuses herself from the Dolt's magnificent presence and spins on her heel to stomp out of the nonexistent room.
The camera rejoins the ongoing bickering as the two clomp down the main stairs to the foyer. Piper's blaring something about the "invisible demon [of the week]" who's killing innocents and who might, for all they know, be working with the Avatars. As she storms through the dining room towards the kitchen, the Dolt, racing along behind her, protests that the Avatars can't possibly be involved. Piper whirls around to howl, "And how would you know?" "I don't," the Dolt splutters with much animated shrugging of dolty shoulders. "I just don't think they're the threat everyone thinks they are." "Why?" the suddenly appearing Phoebe demands, wrapped in a blue plaid steamer blanket and toting a thermos of coffee. Raige, in a rather boxy green jacket, silently accompanies Phoebe from the kitchen, clutching a couple of potion vials in her thin, pale hand. The Dolt argues that if the Avatars really were so powerful a force of evil, they would have attacked long before now. "Sending a demon to possess you doesn't count?" Piper incredulously snorts. The Dolt dimly supposes the Avatars were simply trying to communicate with them, albeit in an incredibly stupid way. "Why didn't they just try calling you, [Dolt]?" Raige pertly snaps. The frustrated Dolt purses his lips, which for some reason reminds me of the New York Times review of Christmas With The Kranks, wherein Jamie Lee Curtis is called "a transvestite chimpanzee." Hee. "Are you hiding something?" a suspicious Phoebe squints. Now that you've got your powers back, why don't you call upon your Fucking Backup Band to find out, hag? Oh that's right -- it's because you never called upon your Fucking Backup Band to find out anything useful, EVER. Christ, I hate this show.
"No," the Dolt lies. "Yes," Piper counters with finality before spinning to ask Raige if she's sure the potions will work. "As sure as I can be at 5 AM," Raige tiredly groans. The Dolt attempts to interject something, but Phoebe ignores him to find out if Piper knows where the attack will be. "They're making a pentagram," Piper explains, "and there's only one point left, so we need to get there before sunrise." As she determinedly crosses to Phoebe's side, the Dolt cries, "You can't walk out on this!" "You're right!" Piper sings. "We should orb!" Heh. "Sixteenth and Mission," she instructs, tossing an arm across Phoebe's shoulders. Raige latches onto Phoebe's blanket and dissolves into a ceiling-bound cloud of orbs, dragging first Phoebe, then Piper into the cloud after her. It's so nice when the effects team pays attention to the small details like th...
...oh. Fuck. ME. NOW one of the foul fairies is regaling his rapt fellow partygoers with tales of his sordid faux-heterosexual past when he was -- horrors! -- married to a woman. These fucking idiots are all in their forties. How have they managed to reach that age without ever meeting addled fags who were once wed? Or Jews, for Christ's sake? Why are these topics of such interest? HATE.
Oh, and fuck me again, some more. "Dammit," the Dolt breathes quietly upon the Glamorous Ladies' exit before clenching his fists and whipping around to unleash The Angrily Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unwatchable Ire And Rage as he screams, "I SAID NO!" Stow it, pantywaist. The shot distorts and flares quickly from red through orange to white before snapping back to the regular palette as the camera rears back from the Dolt's head to skitter backwards up the stairs, through the darkened second floor hall, and up the second flight of stairs to rock through the nonexistent attic before landing on the stupefied Dolt as he watches Piper impale her finger on the pushpin once again. The really fun bit about that sequence is that all of the dialogue up to this point rewound itself on the soundtrack in hushed, garbled, murmuring tones as the camera shot back up to the top of the episode. This show is so much better when they don't half-ass their way through the special effects. "What happened?" the suddenly shifty-eyed Dolt hisses. "Nothing a little sleep won't fix," an annoyed Piper eyebrows distractedly. "Didn't you just say that?" the stupid Dolt, not getting it, wonders as he darts over towards the table. Actually, Dolt, she said, "Nothing a little sleep can't fix." Can't you read? Piper, barely paying attention to him, mumbles something in response before the Dolt draws himself up short as he realizes what just happened. Piper repeats her lines about the demon attack as the Dolt remains stunned and mute, then rises to cross to the door, idly wondering if Phoebe and Raige have "finished that dye." The Dolt stands silent for a moment too long before pulling it together and admitting he doesn't know. Piper hesitates, clearly about to rip him a new one over her Issues Of The Week, before thinking the better of it and whisking out of the room with a dismissive "Never mind." The Dolt stands frozen in place, gaping after her as she disappears down the stairs.
Now The Only Jew In Boystown is explaining how the Democrats lost Aunt Fannie and Uncle Mort's votes down in Port Charlotte, and thus the entire state of Florida. And somebody just cracked unwise about "giving five cents to a Jew." HATE.
Once Piper's vanished, I'm Not Candy and Uniqua flare into the room and silently observe the Dolt as he gradually becomes aware of their presence. "Why did you do this?" he demands, pivoting to confront them. "We didn't," Uniqua calmly retorts. "You did." "You need to be more careful about your new powers, [Dolt]," I'm Not Candy begins, picking his way slowly and deliberately across the floor. "Reversing time can be...very dangerous." The camera tracks in on the Dolt's scarily gargantuan gargoyle face as the opening credits barge into the frame to beat him senseless.
Cackling. Cackling from the dining room. Shut up, you tired faggots.
The opening travelogue escorts us through the nighttime city as some groaning testicle moans something I'm sure would underscore tonight's themes with a stunning relevance, were his diction not so rotten as to reduce every phrase he utters to an incoherent mumble. We eventually land on Prescott Street and head back into the nonexistent attic, where I'm Not Candy lifts a terribly convenient sand-filled hourglass from a stand as he portentously intones, "Our powers are not meant to be used for personal reasons, [Dolt]." "I didn't mean to!" the Dolt protests fuzzily in the background of the shot. "It just happened!" "Because you wanted it to happen!" I'm Not Candy peeves. "You must be more careful in the future," Uniqua counsels a bit more evenly as she paces through the nonexistent room around the suddenly put-upon Dolt. "Learn to control your emotions," she adds. "Control," I'm Not Candy instructs, "is the first discipline of an Avatar. Otherwise, our powers can become dangerous to others, as well as to ourselves." Yes, dear, we, the viewing audience, already know this, because we saw it all two goddamned years ago. Would you please knock it off with this useless chattering and get to the action already? Unfortunately, that doesn't happen, as Uniqua informs the Dolt that time reversals drain the "powers of the collective," leaving them all vulnerable to attack. I'm Not Candy continues that they'll need their powers to be at full strength to battle the various dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell. The Dolt blurts something about Piper's suspicions, and how he can't keep lying to her or to her sisters. I'm Not Candy and Uniqua immediately pounce all over this, cautioning him that, should the Glamorous Ladies not reach their own understanding of the Avatars' nature in their own time, they might "mistakenly" come to view the collective as a threat. The Dolt impatiently reminds them that, as far as he's concerned, he's a husband and a father first, and he only agreed to join the Avatars to regain control over those aspects of his life. I'm Not Candy's all, "Yes, yes, we understand, but you'd better zip your goddamned monkey lips about all of this and stop fucking around with our powers before we torch your massive, mouthy ass the way we torched everyone else who annoyed us." Only he's much more soothing about it all. Uniqua and I'm Not Candy fix too-kind smiles on their faces before they flare out. The Dolt sways around absently after their exit, conflicted, or something.
The first hints of dawn color the horizon beyond the city as the camera soars over the old port section before scuttling down into a dank, forbidding alleyway that, yes, is filled with Convenient Shipping Pallets Of Grave Bodily Injury, as we shall soon see. Raige and Phoebe lounge in a gutted, abandoned Humvee convertible -- like, what? -- as they grouch about the lack of both demonic activity and sleep. Piper shushes them, ordering them to maintain focus on the task at hand. Raige and Phoebe greet this bit of instruction with mockery and second-guessing regarding Piper's map calculations. Of course, it's all related to the Dolt's supposedly sneaky behavior as of late, and the three descend into bickering over Piper's refusal to confront the Dolt regarding her suspicions -- suspicions which Phoebe and Raige agree are unfounded. "He's been an angel," Raige opines. "He's been too perfect," Piper counters as she slides into a car seat to the Feebs, "even for him, and I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop." Piper blathers on about her Issues for another minute or so until Raige rubs her temples and expresses her wish for the demon to attack already, as she's got a "breakfast date" with Li'l Bulging Brody scheduled for later that morning, and she'd like not to be late for it, thank you very much. Ah. Putting your personal life ahead of your responsibilities. Good to know Phoebe's taught you something over the last four years, Raige. Not. The gals babble about whether or not breakfast actually constitutes a date before Phoebe's cell phone chirps. She glances at the caller ID briefly before discarding the phone with a weary sigh. "Avoiding someone?" Piper leads. Phoebe just blinks her eyes by way of response.
The headlights of an approaching car sweep over the Glam Gals at this point, and the ladies turn to watch as a blue-collar type emerges from his car at the far end of the alleyway. "That our innocent?" Phoebe wonders. "We're about to find out," Piper grunts before ordering Raige to "get the dye." Meanwhile, the imperiled gentleman has inserted a key into the padlock securing a tall set of wooden doors. "They have to become visible to attack," Piper reminds her sisters, referring to the demonic threat as she leaps from her seat. "Come on," she orders. The shot cuts over to the imperiled innocent, who swings the gates open to discover the evening's first scorching demonic hottie waiting for him on the other side. Those of you who already saw this episode know the producers hired about a dozen of the hottest guys I've seen on this show in a very, very long time to portray the major demonic meanies featured in this episode. For those of you who haven't seen this episode, allow me to introduce you to Kevin Alejandro, and I'm glad his IMDb entry does not include his birthdate, because I really don't need to know he's younger than my nephews, thanks. "Who the hell are you?" the innocent gasps. "It won't matter," Kevin's pouty, pillowy lips articulate, right before Scorching Demonic Hottie No. 1 plants his fist in the innocent's gut, propelling the guy backwards about twenty feet down the alleyway, where the innocent plows ass-end first into a pile of Convenient Shipping Pallets Of Grave Bodily Injury. "Hey!" Piper shouts as she and her sisters round the corner. She then unleashes her Hands of Discontent, but fortunately, the resulting explosive mojo merely grazes Scorching Demonic Hottie No. 1's shoulder. I'd wonder why all of the latest dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell seem to be almost entirely immune to the mighty Hands of Discontent, but in this instance, I don't care, because Kevin Alejandro? Is hot, in case I haven't emphasized that fact enough as of yet, and I'd be sorely disappointed if his tantalizingly dirty ass were vanquished so early in the episode. Besides, I already know why Piper's mighty Hands of Discontent no longer work: Contrivance.
Anywho, Scorching Demonic Hottie No. 1 absorbs the blow with a brief hiss of pain before sneering at unseen entities off-camera, "Kill them." His form then flares a ruddy tone and vanishes, though we're led to believe based on Piper's earlier comments that he remains present for what follows, albeit invisible to the eye. Phoebe, clad in a hot pink down-stuffed nylon vest, follows Kevin's gaze to another, apparently empty, corner of the alleyway and shouts, "Throw the dye!" Raige quickly complies, and the bottles flip end over end through the air until Piper shatters them with another pair of Hands. A smoky cloud of blue spray settles towards the ground, in the process revealing a trio of manky-haired, leather-clad mouthbreathers, two of whom are already bouncing Flaming Balls Of Death in the palms of their hands. The mouthbreather on the left whips his FBOD in the Glamorous Ladies' direction, but Raige deflects it with her orbing telekinesis, so the thing abruptly reverses course in mid-air to plow back into the leftmost mouthbreather's chest. He explodes with a howl in a spray of bright demonic bits as the rightmost mouthbreather hurls his Flaming Ball Of Death at the Ps. "Heads up!" Phoebe calls as she grabs a nearby length of pipe. Employing the pipe as a baseball bat, she twists her upper body back before swinging forward with the thing to connect squarely with the FBOD, popping the Ball back to demolish the demon who threw it. Yes, they've never done that before, but you must understand: Alyssa Milano didn't start banging baseball players until last summer, and so lacked opportunities to perfect her swing until this year. And, yes, by "perfect her swing," I mean exactly what you think I do. Dirty birds. The remaining mouthbreather conjures an FBOD of his own, but Piper quickly dispatches that with her Hands, so he flares out to hurl FBODs another day.
"That didn't go well," Piper grumps as Raige crosses to kneel at the unconscious innocent's side. "They were a lot more powerful than I thought," Piper adds. Raige notes that the innocent's still alive, and orbs off with him to Not!warts for protection as Piper and Phoebe vow to learn the demons' identity.
The screen flares white to dump us in some red-lit subterranean chamber that is -- no kidding -- dripping with moss as Scorching Demonic Hottie No. 1 addresses his compatriots. Tonight's foul plan for world domination involves slaughtering innocents on all five points of a pentagram drawn over the city grid, which will somehow allow this group of low-lifes to slaughter all who remain within the pentagram's boundaries with no fear of retribution, or something. I guess that would make it tonight's foul plan for neighborhood domination, then, but none of this is really important, because these guys are not involved in the season's main story arc, so we know they're all going to be dead by 8 PM Central. What is important is that these guys are, as I believe I indicated earlier in the recap, smoking hot, despite their admittedly questionable hair strategies. An example of the latter? The assy, overgelled fauxhawk on Scorching Demonic Hottie No. 2, Brad Hawkins, who, joy of joys, is a somewhat age-appropriate thirty years old. He's also got a massively muscled chest, which is threatening to endow him with cleavage deeper than Phoebe's. Hee. Kevin and Brad's demonic faction are caught up in some sort of ongoing rivalry with a group known as the Sokols, and it's Kevin's hope that they might trick the Glamorous Ladies into believing the Sokols are responsible for the recent spate of murders. Once the Manor Morons take out the Sokols, Kevin and Brad can -- I don't know, reign supreme over the Mission District, or something. Again, not important, because during all of the expository blather, Kevin's ambled up to Brad and totally caressed Brad's cheek with one of his tantalizingly grubby hands, and these two guys are so going to hike their tongues down each others' throats right there in front of all of their hot little colleagues. Sniff. There's nothing quite so touching as demonic love.
Well, okay, it might not be all that touching, but it's certainly a hell of a lot more interesting than what follows, which is a painfully tedious scene between Raige and her li'l bulging homophobe as they muddle their way through their awkward breakfast date. At an outdoor cafe. In San Francisco. In November or February or whenever the hell this episode's supposed to be taking place, despite the fact that the gals took pains to bundle up for their little innocent-saving jaunt mere hours ago. Whatever. The conversation at the breakfast table is, at best, strained, as Li'l Bulging Brody's obsession with the Avatars has apparently left him unable to talk of anything else. Raige, of course, wants desperately to drop matters demonic for a little while and simply enjoy herself, but that's not to be, as Brody's "emergency line" starts bleeping in his jacket. Claiming he can't ignore the call, Brody snaps the cell open and barks something competent-sounding yet entirely implausible at the person on the other end of the line as Raige gazes wistfully at a nearby couple who are making disgusting schmoopy faces at each other. Brody shuts his phone and excitedly turns to Raige with, "Intel just detected another unusual power spike in the area!" Raige's Moustache stares at him blankly. "Don't you know what this means?" he pleads. "Yeah," Raige nods, wrinkling her nose, "yeah, I do. It means you eat alone." And with that, she grabs her purse and bolts from the patio. Brody beats himself up for a moment over his shoddy seduction skills, but really. It's so much more fun when somebody else is kicking his ass for him.
Back at the Manor, Piper retrieves a Mason jar of some no-doubt foul substance from the kitchen cabinets as Phoebe bumbles into the room, burbling something vapid about how much a gal can get done in a day if she wakes up early enough and doesn't mind a little sleep deprivation. "What about the demons?" Piper interrupts, cutting through the crap. Phoebe "couldn't find anything in the Book to help identify them," but she did have a fabulous time reading up on the family history. "Did you know that Beatrice Warren only had one leg?" she wonders, unduly fascinated by this tidbit of information, and I'd bust on her for that, but alas. I greeted the news of my great-great uncle Louis Brabander's similar legless existence at the turn of the last century -- in Cleveland, of all places, like, ew! -- with an equal amount of inappropriate fascination. So, you know, no room to talk -- leg room, that is! Har, har, har! Okay, that was abjectly pathetic, but I've got to do something to prevent myself from throttling the yowling canine shit factories befouling my apartment at the moment, and if telling rotten jokes is it, then you'll all have to deal. So there. There's a bit of uninspired, promo-style non-hilarity involving the vat of demon blood bubbling on the center island's burner before Piper announces her intent to scry with said blood for Kevin's current location after she completes the vanquishing potion. "Wow," Phoebe eyebrows, hoisting one of the vanquish's apparent ingredients from the counter. "Jacklebeet. So exactly which state are you trying to blow off the map?" Please say Ohio, Piper. Please, please, please, please, PLEASE? Stupid Ohio.
And speaking of stupid Midwesterners, the depressing dinner party fairies are now playing video games on the roommate's computer while listening to a endless disco remix of Donna Summer's greatest hits. Might I remind you that these foul losers are all on the very far side of forty? Christ. How the fuck do I end up associated with dim assholes like this?
Anyway, despite my desperate entreaties, Piper has no intention of obliterating the Buckeye State. Sigh. Could I get you to reconsider? I might even stop busting on your erstwhile husband if you...no, never mind. Not even for the promise of Cincinnati in flames would I deny myself the sweet, sweet joys of Dolt dissing. Let's keep this moving then, shall we? Piper's well aware of that particular ingredient's destructive power, thanks. She simply doesn't want to take any chances with the scorching hotties they encountered earlier in the alleyway. There then follows more endless blathering about Piper's current issues with the Dolt, whom she is studiously avoiding at the moment, as she proves when she declines to retrieve yet another potion ingredient from the nonexistent attic, where the Dolt's apparently set up shop for the duration of this episode for some massively asinine reason. For some equally asinine reason, Slampiece Sparklies gets name-checked during this discussion, and fuck you very much for reminding me of his existence, Phoebe. Somehow, this all leads to Phoebe admitting that the call she ignored earlier was actually from Detective Doormat. Piper's all, "Why is that useless waste of production payroll dollars calling you?" Phoebe warns Piper not to share the information that follows with Raige because -- shout it, baby, shout it! -- Withholding Vital Information From Each Other Has Always Worked So Well For Them In The Past, and urgently whispers, "[Doormat] actually thinks [Li'l Bulging] Brody had something to do with [Pepper Anderson, The Best Policewoman In The History Of Forever]'s disappearance!" DUN! Okay, totally not a DUN! at all, but I've got fucking Kool and his fucking Gang screaming at me to celebrate good times from the living room right now, and a heightened sense of urgency -- no matter how artificially generated -- can only help my focus at the moment.
Phoebe reveals that the Doormat himself is on the way over to the Manor at that very moment to hash out his suspicions while Raige is on her breakfast date. Piper vigorously rolls her eyes at this latest complication as the Dolt orbs into the room from above. "Hi," he sheepishly opens, hoping she'll talk. "I'll be in the attic," Piper grunts, blowing right past him to exit into the dining room. Heh. Phoebe snaps at the Dolt to follow her as the doorbell rings. Doormat calling! Phoebe allows him into the front hall to learn that "it's like [Pepper Anderson]'s disappeared off the face of the earth." And...that's enough of the Doormat for now, thanks, because I still don't care about the "soul searching" he's done since his ludicrous stint on death row, nor do I care about, oh, anything else that comes out of his mouth that does not further the plot along in some way. Fortunately, Raige barges through the front door at this moment to gripe about her aborted date with the potentially murderous Federal agent in question, so the Doormat beats a hasty retreat. "We friends now?" Raige squinches, hiking a thumb at the Doormat's disappearing back. "Yeah. Weird," is all Phoebe can offer at this awkward moment. "Bygones," she curtly adds as she stalks off down the hall. Rose McGowan flaps her arms around and mugs for the camera.
POOF. No, I'm not talking about the houseguests, who seem to be conducting dog races up and down the hallway outside my bedroom door while fucking Kool and his fucking Gang keep shrieking in the background. Fuckers. Actually, Piper's just added a pinch of something to the vanquish in a large copper pot up in the nonexistent attic, and the mixture's emitted a puff of dry ice as the camera pans up to find her squinting at the smoke. "This is not the time or place," Piper sighs as she waves a hand back and forth to dissipate the cloud. The Dolt presses on anyway about their relationship issues, but Piper shuts him up momentarily by warning him that the current potion preparation is so "dicey" a process, that were she to make the tiniest of Dolt-distracted mistakes, she risks "blowing up the house." "This is so frustrating," the Dolt seethes as Piper prepares to dump another ingredient in the pot. Suddenly, she grinds to a supernatural halt as the camera cuts down to the main stairwell to find Phoebe and Raige doing the same, before cutting again outside to reveal via frozen paperboys and streetcars that the Dolt's irritation has apparently somehow stopped all time, everywhere, from moving forward. I'm Not Candy and Uniqua immediately flare into the nonexistent attic to upbraid the Dolt for letting his emotions screw with the collective's power yet again. The Dolt makes whiny noises about lying to his ex-wife. "You must keep up pretenses," Uniqua warns. "There's no other way." The Dolt swiftly counters that he could just, you know, tell her the truth, but I'm Not Candy and Uniqua aren't having it. The scene gets endlessly talky as they bicker back and forth in this manner for far too long before I'm Not Candy finally sighs and, shooting a glance at the still-frozen Piper, concludes, "He needs to see for himself." "But what of the risk?" Uniqua responds, speaking around the Dolt as if he weren't standing right there beside her. "It's no greater than that of him tapping into the collective without intending to," I'm Not Candy counters, still referring to the Dolt in the third person despite his presence in the room, and if the Dolt weren't the dimwitted blockhead he so clearly is, he'd take this sort of objectification as a sign that the Avatars might not have his best interests at heart. "Very well," Uniqua concedes, still behaving as if the Dolt weren't there. "But if anything goes wrong," she warns, "everything could be lost. Our powers are not inexhaustible." I'm Not Candy just nods his head around and flares out.
Uniqua quickly follows, and Piper -- and presumably time itself -- unfreezes the instant she's gone. "What is the matter?" she gripes. The Dolt hems and haws and dodges and hesitates before dropping the Avatar bomb on Piper's head. Speaking of bombs, one pretty much erupts in the nonexistent attic when Piper, shocked speechless, zones and accidentally drops a full jar of something into the vanquish, which explodes violently to hurl her all the way across the room. The Dolt, entirely unaffected by the blast, races to her aid as the shattered copper pot smolders on the carpet. That's just going to ruin that rug. Much like those fucking dogs with their heedless defecation are ruining the rugs in my apartment as I type this. "No!" Piper shouts from the floor at the approaching ex-husband, an adamant index finger shuddering in the air for emphasis. "You stay away from me!" She pushes herself to her feet and vanishes from the frame in a fury. The stupid Dolt pouts his way into the commercial break. Shut up, Dolt.
Nonexistent Attic. Aftermath. Phoebe and Raige jiggle in from the upper stairs with yodeling noises of concern, to find Piper angrily scrubbing the remnants of the destroyed vanquish from the floorboards while batting away the Dolt's offers of assistance. By the way, Holly Marie Combs's post-pregnancy boobs are YOOOOOGE. Seriously. You know how the dead-eyed Psycho and poor, neglected, and doomed Tiny Gay Chris have been missing for the last four or five episodes? I think they fell into Holly's cleavage. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Long, acrimonious scene short, Raige and Phoebe learn who the Dolt's been hanging out with for the last couple of weeks, and despite his protests that the Avatars' intentions are entirely honorable, are as shocked and appalled as you'd expect them to be. "He's cracked!" Raige rages. "Absolutely," Phoebe deadpans, shooting her ex-brother-in-law a death glare. The Dolt argues his point a bit more before Piper orders him to take the kids to Not!warts so she can process through this latest round of Dolt-related angst and misery. "Are you sure you can trust him?" Raige's Moustache wonders. "I can trust my husband with our children," Piper, barely holding it together, sneers without taking her eyes off the Dolt. "Now please go," she demands of him. The Dolt puffs out his lower lip in sulky despair, but complies by plunging his hands into Piper's cleavage to retrieve his sons, with whom he skulks from the room. Raige's Moustache puckers with disgust as he passes. Heh. Phoebe frowns at his back with concern, then turns back to Piper to ask, "Do you think he's telling the truth?" "It would be a really stupid lie if he wasn't, don't you think?" Piper spits. Hee! The aggravated tone with which that line was delivered makes it clear Piper thinks Phoebe's a brainless, worthless simp. Phoebe, chastened, silently lowers her gaze as Piper pulls herself together enough to offer a partially sincere apology before ordering her sisters to whip up another batch of the ruined demon vanquish, while she herself heads downstairs to clean up. Raige, for some brutally stupid reason, decides instead to enlist Li'l Bulging Brody's aid in the current matter. Phoebe, because she is dumb, agrees.
Hell. The Scorching Demonic Hotties flare in behind two imposingly hot Sokol sentinels and impale them. No, not like that. With actual swords. Though, you know, I'm sure Kevin 'n' Brad wouldn't have minded impaling the sentinels the other way first. Dirty! Anyway, the sentinels drop to their knees -- a position with which I am certain they are well acquainted -- and Kevin 'n' Brad take great pains to remove the sentinels' slave bracelets before withdrawing their athames, because the only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. Or something like that. The sentinels dissolve into rapidly collapsing pillars of dust the moment Kevin 'n' Brad remove the daggers, which, again, is a nice, considered effects touch of the sort that is all too often missing from this show. Kevin slides his purloined slave bracelet up his arm while ordering Brad to do the same. Brad, clearly the bottom in this relationship, immediately complies, despite not understanding why he's doing so. Kevin reveals his cunning plan to attack the Charmed Ones on their home turf while disguised as Sokols. The Manor Morons will then, well, see above. Like, nine paragraphs above. Brad frets that any action against the Glamorous Ladies is tantamount to a suicide mission, but Kevin merely intends to drop by the house to leave a few slave bracelets lying around before flaring back out again. Brad then fidgets about how they might not succeed in securing the Mission District from other envious dark demonic forces, but Kevin assures him, "They won't be able to after we kill the innocent." "Those ancient rules," he continues, slowly advancing towards Brad with a lascivious swagger in his step, "are etched in...brimstone." And then Kevin tosses Brad up against the wall and they totally do it right there in the middle of Hell. Or maybe they flare out. Your choice.
Oh, joy. The party's moved on to Erasure's Abba cover album. Kill me. Now. By the way, they seem incapable of conversation that does not revolve around the six -- yes, there are now six -- huge fucking indifferently trained dogs now romping through the apartment, defecating on the carpets. Idiot assholes.
Not!warts and BORING! Elizabeth Dennehy orbs into Snidely's former office, and, much as with her last appearance on this show, the only thing of note in the scene in which she appears is how fabulously she's working that gold-toned velour she's sporting. What's that? You long for more detailed information? Fools! Okay, fine. Elizabeth Dennehy reveals that the Elders detected a power surge that could only have been caused by some entity reversing time, which must mean the Avatars are planning to attack, because no demonic force has had the power to reverse time since The Source's untimely demise. The first Source's untimely demise. I think. Or maybe it was Cole's untimely demise. The first one. Then again, it could have been D'Eartha's, too, you know. Whatever. Elizabeth's not being terribly clear here, is all. Though this revelation does lend credence to my assertion that The Source himself was responsible for the time shift that allowed for Shannen's Death By Alyssa. If we forget all about David Carradine. God, isn't this scene over yet? Anyway, Elizabeth then goes on to confirm how truly stupid and ever-useless the Ever-Useless Elders are by instructing the Dolt to warn the Charmed Ones of the Ever-Useless Elders' suspicions, like, you dingbats. Why weren't you eavesdropping on that raging argument in the nonexistent attic a couple of scenes ago? Whatever. I hate this show. Shifty Dolt argues that the Avatars might be a benevolent force, but Elizabeth isn't having it. She pep-talks him for a bit while continuing to warn of the threat the Avatars represent before orbing out. Shifty Dolt dances around in frustration, for the Gents' at Not!warts is closed for repairs. Or something like that.
Manor. Holly Marie Combs and her fabulous rack bounce down the main stairs and pass through the dining room as the Dolt orbs onto the sun porch. A rather subdued scene follows, in which Holly Marie Combs finally engages with the material she's been given to work with for perhaps the first time this season, and as a result acts rings around Brian Krause. Who, admittedly, hasn't been doing too shabby a job himself this evening. Damn. You can tell the endlessly hateful Thanksgiving party is finally breaking up when I start to compliment Krause on his acting skills. Anyway, the Dolt feeds Piper the Avatars' pitch. Piper patiently receives said pitch with equanimity for a bit before snorting, "That sounds like a load of crap." Heh. The Dolt diligently and endlessly blathers on anyway about how the Avatars want only the best for humanity, or something, until Brad flares onto the sun porch with a pair of henchhotties.
The leftmost henchhottie hurls a Flaming Ball Of Death at the Dolt, but the Dolt swivels in a dodge that allows the FBOD to sail past him and take out an entire shelf of china in the kitchen beyond. The Dolt then tackles Piper to the relative safety of the floor beneath the dining room table as the rightmost henchhottie slings an FBOD that takes out the centerpiece. Finally, the Dolt rises to whip out his right hand and engulf the leftmost henchhottie in a spray of sporking electricity, and it's curtains, I'm afraid, for one of tonight's scorching guest demons. Brad wings an FBOD that clips Piper's upper arm, leading the Dolt to retaliate with another sporking spray that I think would have taken out the remaining duo on the sun porch had Brad not snipered to the floor. As it is, only the rightmost henchhottie howls and wails and blazes his merry way down to Hell, leaving Brad cringing and cowering on his hands and knees. Insert the expected joke about how familiar a position this is for him yourselves. Suddenly, one of the Sokol slave bracelets skitters across the sun porch floor to roll around right under Brad's crotch. Instead of flaring the fuck out of there, Brad gapes and pants at Kevin, who's hidden himself from Piper and the Dolt's line of sight by pressing himself up against one of the sun porch's walls. Much to Piper's surprise, the Dolt angrily shoves the entire dining room table out of his way and stalks over to destroy Hot Brad with a final blast of sporking electricity. I'd chide Kevin for so hatefully using and abusing the man who so clearly loved him above all others in the world, but, you know. Brad was a total fucking moron for not flaring out of there when he had the chance, so screw him. Hot Kevin watches his boy toy's vanquish for a bit before flaring out. The Dolt clearly senses something wrong, but crosses to Piper's side to heal the "graze" on her upper arm, anyway. The Dolt also takes this opportunity to lecture Piper on the futility involved in the endless battle between good and evil, but Piper just eyes him after noting that they now, thanks to the slave bracelet, have a way to track the supposed demons of the week.
I bet you were just wondering what the lingering partygoers were up to at the moment, weren't you? Let's listen in: "Sit. Sit. Stay. Sit. Sit. Sit. Sit. Sit. Stay. Stay. Sit." I really hope they're talking to the stupid fucking dogs.
Straight Estates. Li'l Bulging Brody yanks open his apartment door just as Raige was about to knock, and there's a little bit of boyish apologizing from Brody that exists only to set up the drastic and deadly attitude shift he drops through when Raige reveals that the Dolt's now an Avatar. Phoebe clatters in shortly after said shift has occurred, in time to watch Brody disappear into a closet. (Must. Not. Make. Going-back-into-the-closet. Joke. Must. Remain. Strong.) Brody retrieves a small metal case from its hiding place above a false ceiling as Phoebe's cell rings. It's the Doormat, and he's useless, so let's hang up on that particular distraction as quickly as Phoebe does and get back to the matter at hand. Brody opens the case to reveal a small alabaster bottle. "What is that?" Phoebe guhs. "It's a potion," Brody seethes, clearly off his rocker, "to KILL AVATARS!" He swipes his automatic from the end table and barrels out of the apartment as Phoebe and Raige gape and gawp and mug their collective way into the commercial break.
Oh, and now the clean-up begins. And they still haven't locked those fucking dogs away to facilitate things, so someone just dropped a stack of dishes out in the living room because one of those fucking dogs jumped up on him. "NO! That is a NO! Are you listening to me? I said that is a NO!" Dude. The dog? Doesn't speak English. SHUT UP. Dimwit motherfucker.
Manor. Li'l Bulging Brody bursts through the front door and charges through the ground floor in search of the Dolt, with Phoebe and Raige trailing limply behind him. There's one piece of the ensuing stupidity I'll note, but only because I believe it becomes a plot point in a later episode. Phoebe scoffs at the Avatar-killing potion's effectiveness, because, you know, if non-magical Brody never killed an Avatar with it, how does he know it works? Brody, crazed, rages that he knows it works because the Avatars murdered his parents in a failed attempt to destroy it. His parents, in discovering the potion, also uncovered "a battle that happened over five thousand years ago over our very future." Like I said, store that information away for future use, because it's never again addressed tonight. There's some more LOUD ARGUING about the matter down there in the main hallway before Raige and Phoebe convince Li'l Bulging Brody to remain where he is, while they head upstairs to wrangle the Dolt themselves.
Nonexistent Attic. Piper stands at the city map with a scrying crystal and Kevin's slave bracelet while the Dolt putters around in the background with the potion ingredients. Raige and Phoebe storm into the nonexistent room from the upper stairs and SHRILL! and SHRIEKING! and BRODY! and EVIL! and POINT! and COUNTERPOINT! and Phoebe, you ignorant slut. Long story short, Piper's starting to buy the Dolt's load of crap about the Avatars' true intentions, and obstinately refuses to listen to her sisters' objections because, as she growls, she "need[s] to vanquish demons. Again." She grabs the slave bracelet as the Dolt grabs her other hand, and together, the two orb up towards the ceiling. "Now what?" Phoebe sighs. Raige bobs her bosom up and down by way of response.
Hell. The Sokols' hot leader tosses an equally hot underling up against a metal cage and demands to know why the underling alone survived the recent attack by Kevin 'n' Brad. The underling frantically vows his ignorance in the matter and his undying loyalty to the group and wah, but he's toast anyway. What's fun is the totally awesome way the Sokol's hot leader dusts him: The guy conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death which he then shoves whole into the hot underling's mouth. Hee! The hot underling's cheeks bulge as the FBOD quickly gets to work and, after a bit of the shaking and the shuddering, the hot underling explodes, head first. There's even a bloody chunk of bombed-out hot underling that somersaults through the air for a beat before vanishing in a puff of black smoke. Ha! The brutally hot Sokol leader then turns to address a quartet of not-as-hot underlings, but what he says matters not, for Piper and the Dolt arrive shortly thereafter to waste them all with mighty Hands of Discontent and massive sprays of sporking electricity. Actually, it's way more than a massive spray of sporking electricity. In another well-done effects shot, the Dolt thrusts his hands towards the floor, and the bolts of white light that shoot from his palms collect in front of his feet, only to rear up in a ceiling-touching, earth-shaking wave of fire that that blasts through the chamber to overwhelm the few remaining hotties who escaped Piper's Hands. It's pretty cool, actually, even though you know the Dolt is totally showing off for Piper's benefit.
A beat passes after the screams of the damned dissipate. Piper, casually impressed: "What was that?" Heh. "All, uh, part of the package," the Dolt stammers. "That was a lot of power," Piper notes, approvingly. The Dolt then ruins the embarrassingly amusing subtext going on in this part of the scene by blathering endlessly again about the Avatars' intentions and I DON'T CARE because WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS ALREADY. Oh, and look at that. It's over.
Sun Porch. Li'l Bulging Brody, who is CRAY-ZEEE, paces and rages about the gals allowing the Dolt to orb from the Manor. Phoebe and Raige attempt to argue with him, but because he's CRAY-ZEEE, all this does is enrage him further. And an enraged, CRAY-ZEEE Li'l Bulging Brody is a very, very LOUD Li'l Bulging Brody, so I'll be fast-forwarding to the bit where he stomps out of view and the gals pinheadedly turn their backs on the sun porch to engage in a processing summit in the center parlor. "He's not acting like himself," Raige hisses. "I think you need to orb that potion away from him before he does something stupid," Phoebe notes with a hint of urgency in her voice. I think Raige should have reached that conclusion by herself, but Raige is now apparently even dumber than Phoebe. Raige is in the middle of fretting about the possible consequences of such an action when she unexpectedly gasps and drops to the floor with a yellow-tailed tranquilizer dart in her back. Phoebe howls in dismay as CRAY-ZEEE Bulging Brody stalks back onto the sun porch to sling his trank gun on the wicker loveseat, only to draw his automatic from his shoulder holster and level it at Phoebe's head. Shoot her! Shoot her! Shoot her in the face! Shit. Shouting that at the TV wasn't as much fun as it normally would be, because Phoebe's been almost bearable for the last two episodes. I'm telling you, Phoebe ruins everything. "What are you doing?" Phoebe gasps. "I'm killing an Avatar," he CRAY-ZEEES, "and no one's gonna stop me." Oddly enough, Li'l Bulging Brody seems on the verge of tears, too, which is either a cunning little detail that will grow in importance later, or a spur-of-the-moment character choice by Kerr Smith that will never matter at all. Your choice. Phoebe's phreaked.
Back in that dank, forbidding alleyway from the top of the hour, the Dolt orbs onto the asphalt with Piper and the still-imperiled innocent they'd stowed away at Not!warts all those many scenes ago. Did I neglect to mention they've been keeping him in a coma all this time with the help of a few potions? I did? Sorry. That line of dialogue must have been drowned out by the unearthly yowling of Gloria Gaynor at the height of the hateful Thanksgiving dinner party. Won't happen again. No, seriously. It won't happen again, because I'm going to kill my roommate if he even tries to pull this bullshit again. Piper and the Dolt share A Moment, for she has come to understand his way of looking at all things Avatar, and I don't care because the Avatars are evil and will be vanquished well in time for the season finale. As the still-imperiled innocent groans himself awake, Hot Kevin flares in to dump a Flaming Ball Of Death on the guy's chest. The innocent hasn't even time to shout before he explodes in a gout of flame. Piper and the Dolt, shocked senseless, can do nothing but gape at Hot Kevin as he thanks them for their unwitting assistance before flaring back out. "What just happened?" Piper howls. "We were tricked," the Dolt realizes. Piper shrieks something about her useless sisters as the Dolt grits his teeth and gulps.
Manor. The Dolt orbs into the center parlor with Piper, who immediately spots Raige lying unconscious on the floor and races to her side while calling out her name. "She's fine," Brody CRAY-ZEEES, and Piper and the Dolt spin around to find Phoebe perched tensely on the wicker footstool as Brody hovers above her, aiming his automatic at the Fun Bags from less than a foot away. "You and I," Brody sneers, indicating the Dolt, "are gonna have a little chat." The Dolt gapes as Phoebe and CRAY-ZEEE Bulging Brody vanish into the final commercial break.
And we're back. Piper and the Dolt try to defuse the situation with kind words and soothing tones, but CRAY-ZEEE Brody's too far gone. Kerr Smith launches into a little speech that he chews through as best as he knows how, but unfortunately, it's so poorly written that I just end up rolling my eyes. Don't believe me? Read: "Your kind is responsible for a nightmare that won't go away -- for all those nights, waking up in a sweat, begging that the flashbacks were just a dream. It's not a dream, though, is it? You Avatars are as real as the air that we breathe and just as vacant! [Huh?] My parents were viciously murdered by them, so if I were you, [Dolt], I'd do what I say." It was about this point that I started wondering why Piper doesn't just freeze this insane freak and deal with his Issues later. And, naturally, it was about this point that I stopped paying any attention whatsoever to this scene because Piper doesn't just freeze this insane freak and deal with his Issues later, like so:
Charmed: Avatar-killing potion! Gun at Phoebe's head!
Demian: FREEZE HIM. FREEZE KERR SMITH.
Charmed: Soothing words from the Dolt countered by threats to the Dolt's well-being!
Demian: FREEZE HIM! FREEZE HIM! FREEZEHIMFREEZEHIMFREEZEHIM!
Charmed: Tense standoff countdown! Icy stares! Growing panic!
Demian: FUCKING FREEZE THE FUCKING LUNATIC ALREADY, YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH.
Charmed: Phoebe's life in danger!
Demian: FREEZE HI--oh, wait a minute. Let him blow Phoebe's head off, THEN FUCKING FREEZE THE INSANE LUNATIC PERSON WITH THE INSANE LUNATIC PERSON GUN ON YOUR FUCKING SUN PORCH, YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH.
See? Totally took me out of the moment. And this episode was going so well. Sigh. As Brody reaches the end of his standoff countdown, both Piper and Phoebe sense that the Dolt's about to do something drastic. Piper lunges to grab the ex-husband's hands as Phoebe dives towards the floor. The scene downshifts into slow motion as the Dolt shoots a sporking stream of electricity straight through Li'l Bulging Brody's chest, and this bit was cause for some debate on the forum boards immediately after the episode aired. Some claimed that Brody had fired the gun the instant he counted, "Three." However, slow-forwarding through the slow motion shows that the gun doesn't go off until long after Brody loses control of his body because of the death ray he's taking in his chest. His left hand, which had been clasping the alabaster potion bottle, involuntarily snaps open first, releasing the bottle to the floor. As the death ray's force increases to lift Brody off his feet and propel him through the air towards the wall, his right hand involuntarily fires the gun. The bullet misses Phoebe's head by inches. Also? Don't pull slow-motion sequences like this one if you're using stunt doubles, idiots, because these people in the bullet-time bullet shot? Are not Alyssa Milano and Kerr Smith. As Phoebe and Li'l Bulging Brody's corpse hit differing points on the floor at roughly the same time, the alabaster bottle shatters into hundreds of pieces to release a tentacled cloud of inky black smoke. The tentacles meander searchingly for a second before shooting straight up into the Dolt's face, where they dive into his body through his nostrils and his by-now gaping mouth. The Dolt drops immediately onto his back, and Piper, for some reason bursting into instant tears, hovers over him as Brian Krause unleashes his patented Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unbearable Anguish And Torment -- Now In Green!
"It wasn't supposed to happen like this," he gasps, dying. Piper dissolves into heaving sobs as Phoebe rises gingerly from the floor to glance over at Li'l Bulging Brody, who lies dead with open, glazed eyes on the far side of the porch. They don't often have open-eyed corpses on this show, and I have to admit, it's a little creepy seeing something like that in this context. Just as Phoebe angles her torso back to take in the Dolt's death, she grinds to a supernatural halt that also overtakes Piper and, presumably, the rest of the planet. I'm Not Candy and Uniqua flare onto the sun porch to say, basically, "Neener neener neener! We told you this would happen, you big stupid!" Only they quite seriously take two minutes to do so. I'm Not Candy finally informs the Dolt that he still has the power to reverse time to the point just prior to his revelation in the nonexistent attic, thereby erasing entirely all recent unfortunate events. The Dolt, with little choice otherwise, closes his eyes, and the floor melts beneath him before he flares orange. The camera shudders in reverse back up to the attic as snippets of this evening's dialogue rewind themselves on the soundtrack, and it was either better the first time around, or I'm just sick of this episode already. Piper's frozen in the attic, in the midst of dropping some ingredients into the vanquish, as the Dolt snaps to and realizes I'm Not Candy's wacky plan actually worked. I'm Not Candy and Uniqua bemoan the fact that the day's events have sorely drained the collective's power, and it no longer possesses enough to "end the duality." The Dolt frets at this news and wonders if the Charmed Ones' abilities might make up for the loss, which, you know, the Avatars have been waiting to hear all along. I'm Not Candy confirms this, and he and Uniqua offer a few more words of warning before vanishing. Piper unfreezes and...
...the scene now unfolds in an entirely different manner, which I will not be careful in recapping, because I hate it when TV shows push The Great Big Reset Button In The Sky. No, seriously. HATE. The two banter playfully for a bit, which is completely out of character for Piper as she was half an hour ago, so yeah. Ignoring this. As the Dolt knows where Kevin 'n' Brad are going to attack, he instructs Piper to bottle up the potions, and we cut down to...
...the dining room, where Piper stands at the Dolt's side, with those bottles at the ready. Soon enough, Hot Brad and the henchhotties flare onto the sun porch, only this time around, Hot Brad is shocked to find a couple of the Manor Morons waiting for him. Piper and the Dolt quickly dispatch the trio, and the sneaky Dolt then ambles around the corner to spork Hot Kevin the second he himself materializes. "All right!" the Dolt perks. "Now all we have to do is deal with the other gang, and we can bring the innocent back." Piper gapes. "I give up," she admits. "How did you figure all this out?" "You don't want to know," the devious Dolt smiles with lies twinkling in his eyes. "Believe me."
God! A closing travelogue? This is THE LONGEST EPISODE EVER! Rrrrrgh. Anyway, day melts into blah blah wah and we end up on the roof of Straight Estates, where Raige and Secretly INSANE Brody canoodle over a late dinner. And...that's about it, really. I mean, yeah, we find out that Secretly INSANE Brody is a great cook, and Raige certainly looks fetching in that crimson silk top of hers, and Secretly INSANE Brody lies when Raige asks if he's hiding anything from her, and I am sort of wondering who hired the Queer Eye guys to do up Straight Estates' roof like that, but you know what? I'm pushing ten thousand words already, here. This needs to end. Now.
But no! IT DRAGS ON! AUUUUGH! Back in the Manor, Piper watches the dead-eyed Psycho and poor, neglected, and doomed Tiny Gay Chris sleep for a very long while until the Dolt tiptoes up behind her. They whisper about the secret he's been keeping from her, with the Dolt expressing his regret that he can't tell her exactly what's going on while assuring her that when she does find out about it, she'll be okay with it all. "Oh, yeah? How do you know?" she challenges with the hint of a playful smile crossing her lips. "I know you," he beams at her. Shut up, Dolt. No, seriously, shut up, because this episode should have ended, like, three hours ago. They gaze at each other fondly as the shot cuts to a low-angle from across the nursery that includes the kids' beds before we finally -- at long last -- fade to black.
week, Charisma Carpenter returns to give the lie to her first name, because she's totally boring as hell. Enjoy!