Episode Report Card Demian: B- | 1 USERS: A YOU GRADE IT Wiccaning II: The, Um, Wiccaning, Actually
By Demian | Season 7 | Episode 3 | Aired on 09.25.2004
Glaah. ANY-way, Phoebe eventually drops the suspiciously Dolt-like demon bomb, and Piper of course howls, "You wait until now to tell me?" before ranting her way out of the frame, leaving Phoebe to trail meekly behind her.
Manor. Piper rages through the front door to slam her purse down on the entrance table while bellowing for the Dolt as Grams emerges from the front parlor to greet her with reassurances of the boys' safety. Seems Raige orbed them over to Not!warts until the Manor Morons get a better handle on the current crisis. Piper doesn't break stride during all of this, screaming once more for the Dolt as she rounds the corner to power up the stairs.
Up on the second floor, Grams, racing along behind her horrid shrew of a granddaughter, broaches a difficult and Doltish subject by too gently asking, "Are you sure you want him down here? I mean, considering he can't tell good from evil anymore -- you know, lost soul and all." Piper, who'd worked her way over to one of the upper windows, spins on her heel to glare. "Oh," Grams apologizes, reading Piper's expression. "Uh, [Raige] filled me in." Piper spits that her sons' safety is the Dolt's first priority as the Dolt himself orbs into the upper hall. He quickly gets the skinny on the current situation from the ladies and vows to head "down there" to find out what's going on. "'Down there'?" Grams repeats with a bit of icy disdain. "As in the Underworld? Hang out there a lot, do you?" The Dolt pisses a tight-assed reply and orbs back out of there before Piper can ramp up her bitch another seventeen notches to scream at the two of them to knock it off with the sniping already. "Far be it from me to meddle," Grams begins, but Piper cuts her off with a curt, "Then don't, because you're already pressing your luck being here in the first place." Off Grams's "Excuse me?" expression, Piper sneers, "Yeah, I know about the Wiccaning!" before heading up another flight of stairs to the nonexistent attic. Once there, Grams attempts to argue her case, but Piper's not having it. The Psycho's Wiccaning failed to protect him from evil, period, so there'll be none of that for Tiny Gay Chris. Flipping determinedly through the Book of Shadows, Piper wretches, "I just need to find out who the hell is after my son." Grams purses her lips helplessly.
Not!warts. Raige, seated at her desk in Snidely's old office, scribbles notes on the research she's conducting. From the depths of his nearby bassinet, the sneaky little tiny gay bitch orbs his blanket into his dead-eyed brother's hands. "I saw that, [Psycho]!" Raige growls. "You give that back to your brother while I find out who's trying to kill you!" Hee. Way to go, Tiny Chris. Way. To. Go! And I'd worry about Raige damaging the Psycho's psyche with that line about tracking down his attempted murderer, were it not already clear the Psycho's brain is already damaged beyond repair. Meanwhile, another infant -- this one in the form of Raige's purportedly attractive research assistant, Ben -- banters something about sibling rivalry and whatnot from his place over by the bookshelf as a stack of parchment magically riffles into Raige's inbox from points unknown. The actor playing Ben was born in 1981. And his name is "Tac." And he bears a striking resemblance to Lurch from The Addams Family. I want to die. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah: The stack of parchment is actually a set of progress reports that poor, harassed, overworked, and sorely underqualified Raige must somehow process before the day is done or something like that, but I totally don't care because at this moment, Tiny Gay Chris is unexpectedly orbing himself to points unknown in yet another successful passive-aggressive attempt to get his wicked older brother in trouble with his aunt. "[Psycho]!" Raige peeves. "Where did you orb your little brother?" The Psycho eyes her all, "Nowhere, you harpy, and if you keep screaming at me for things I didn't do, you're gonna find those tits of yours tied in a knot at the bottom of the goddamned bay."
Manor. Piper, berating Raige via the cordless, howls, "NO, he's not here. Where the HELL is he?" as she marches over to answer the front door. She swings it open to find her wonderfully crafty younger son bouncing around in Daddy Dearest Victor (Jones) Bennett's arms. Victor! Hooray! "I hope this is yours," Daddy Dearest jokes. "I got him," Piper sighs into the phone before hanging up and retrieving her puny sodomite from his grandfather's arms. As she greets Victor with a peck on the cheek, a baffled Daddy Dearest explains, "I stepped up on the porch and all of a sudden, the little guy just flies into my arms." Piper fills him in on what's been going on lately as he follows her into the center parlor, where Grams reclines regally in an overstuffed armchair, the Book of Shadows in her lap. Grams takes one look at him and demands, "What are you doing here?" Heh. "Big hello to you, too," he lobs back affably enough before explaining he'd been invited to the Wiccaning. Piper wordlessly goggles at this latest evidence of her sisters' insolence as Grams expresses her insincere regrets, noting that "Wiccanings are only for magical family members." "That's not what [Raige] says," Victor counters. "[Raige] doesn't know all the rules," Grams sniffs as Piper, growing tenser by the second, butts in to bay something about the Wiccaning taking place over her dead body. "[Raige] seems to think that if she crams enough family members down my throat, I'll give in," Piper rants, "but it's not gonna work, because nothing is working." She goes on to whine about the latest dark demonic force and the Psycho's apparent penchant for orbing Tiny Chris "all over creation for God only knows what reason" until Victor interrupts to opine that the Psycho's apparent Chris-directed hostility is just "boys being boys." There's something more about the "inevitability" of sibling rivalry until Piper rather impatiently dismisses his entire line of reasoning by reminding him that her sons "nearly kill each other in the future." Grams, silent for far too long a time, gets an idea. "There's an easy way to nip this thing in the bud," she notes with a Cheshire grin on her face. Piper, exasperated, sighs, "And what would that be, exactly?"