Previously on Charmed: Phoebe got shot! Phoebe got shot!
Currently on Charmed: We fade up on the Dolt lugging the nearly unconscious Feebs through the front door to toss her onto the parlor sofa, as he orders Raige to shove the dead-eyed and mulleted Psycho into his product-placed playpen over by the sun porch. "I don't want him seeing this!" the Dolt shouts as he applies the special Whitelighter tingly touch to the gaping gunshot wound in Phoebe's torso. Um, I think it's too late for protecting the toddler, dude. I wouldn't worry too much about it, though. Judging by the Psycho's dull, leaden stare, he couldn't care less about the current situation. Wait. I take that back. He quite possibly could care less, but only if it were you lying there with a bullet in your chest, monkey boy. In any event, it's taking quite a while for the tingly touch to kick in, so there's a bit of anxiety involved. "Dammit, [Dolt]!" Raige exclaims. "You should have just healed her outside." "Right," the Dolt spits, "and risk you getting shot, too? I don't think so." Big Gay Chris descends to the foyer from above with news that he's sent the Pinhead and Even Gayer Big Chris back through the nonexistent attic's portal into Bizarro World. As he rounds the corner into the main parlor, he adds, "Although…" before drawing up short upon catching sight of Phoebe's prone form and gulping, "What happened?" I really want to know how he was going to finish that sentence, and we're never told. Bastards! In any event, the tingly touch chooses this moment to do its job, and Phoebe bolts upright into a sitting position to gasp and heave. "Thank God," Raige breathes as the Dolt orders Big Chris to remain with his creepy-ass older brother. "I got him," Chris assures his father. The creepy-ass sibling in question shoots Big Gay Chris a look all, "Bitch, you don't have me. You never did, and you never will. Any of you." Or maybe I'm reading a little too much into his typically blank and emotionless expression.
Raige crosses to her restored sister to ensure that the latter's okay. Phoebe gamely quips something about remembering never to park in Mrs. Noble's spot again as Big Gay Chris peeves, "Would someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?" Raige fills him in on recent events, and Chris reacts with appropriate amounts of disbelief. "Why?" he asks, eyes widening as his eyebrows reach for the sky. There follows a rapid-fire round of expository dialogue amongst the Manor Morons to explain this half of the finale's central predicament, with the Dolt somehow understanding instantly and completely what happened to the world outside. As the Snidelys contrived to overload Bizarro World with people from our own, they've managed to upset that much-mentioned balance that was never fully explained in the last hour. As a result, our world has tipped over into being "too good," a place where "every little infraction is a capital offense." In other words: Singapore. The entire planet is now Singapore. Or, you know, Saudi Arabia. It's your choice. Mind you, how turning each and every annoyance and misdemeanor into a hanging crime equates to the world being "too good" is beyond me, but Big Gay Chris is pretty, so I'll go along with it. For now. Raige snarks that they're all "starring in a little movie called Pleasantville," which is an unbearably stupid thing for her to say, mainly because no actor on the screen at the moment comes anywhere close to meeting the caliber of Joan Allen or William H. Macy or even Reese fricking Witherspoon, but also because no one got shot in the tits over a parking space in Pleasantville. Moron. Big Chris whatevers, and I'd like to think it's because he understands how asinine Raige's last line was, but it's far more likely due to the fact that he never saw the movie in question. He wonders why the present Manor Morons were unaffected by the shift. Naturally, the Dolt has a far-too-convenient answer for this as well. Naturally. "We must have been crossing over when the shift occurred," he notes. Also, Snidely remains unaffected "because he's an [ever-useless] Elder," which, again, is way too convenient, but whatever. I'm spending far too much time on this silly premise and not enough time contemplating the many wonders of my pretty, pretty husband, who as I type this is batting his eyelashes while snorting something about Snidely turning the current situation to his advantage in order to mount another attack on the Psycho.
The Dolt vows to off the errant ever-useless Elder before said Elder gets that chance. "You can't hurt him, [Dolt]," Phoebe cautions. "Not until he shifts the balance back, and you know he knows how to do that." Raige suddenly remembers their laboring sister and frets about making it to the hospital in time for the birth of Tiny Gay Chris. "Who's gonna watch [my demented elder son]?" the Dolt wonders. Big Chris immediately volunteers, noting that he "didn't come all the way from the future just to lose [the murdering brat] now." The Dolt puffs out his chest in pride at Big Chris's devotion to duty, or something. Shut up, Dolt. After nodding his head a bit grimly, the Dolt orbs out, presumably in search of Snidely. Phoebe rises from the sofa to head off with Raige, but not before Big Chris adorably warns them against speeding in this Brave New World of theirs. As the ladies exit, Big Chris turns to regard his infant older brother with an odd mix of concern and resignation. Once again, the Psycho couldn't give a shit.
Hell. Or the Underworld. Or, you know, that Storm-Blasted Soundstage From Sepulveda. Wherever. A black-clad Barbas blazes into the center of a wasted clearing in mid-lunge, the sleeve of his coat alight with an odd blue flame. Once he regains his bearings, he spots his flaming sleeve, grumbles, "Oh, give me a break!" and extinguishes the fire with a puff of breath. Snidely's disembodied voice taunts, "You're lucky. It could have been worse," and oh, Lord. A whole scene featuring these two overbearing hams? I can just hear Kern & Ko. screaming, "Squeal like a pig, Demian! Squeal like a pig!" Because, after all, this is all about me. In any event, Barbas instantly recognizes the voice, sneers something about "the peeping Elder," and comments on "how the mighty have fallen." Disembodied Snidely cuts through the crap to call for a truce, as he has a proposition he'd like to run by the Demon Of Fear. Barbas agrees, so Snidely uncloaks, and much tedious expository yammering follows, during which I find myself wondering how this shift has affected the Bizarro World, and wishing we got to see a bit of that during this hour. Unfortunately, we never do, so we have to listen to these two blather on endlessly about events we just witnessed ten minutes ago. The one good thing about all this, I suppose, is that it offers me an opportunity to appreciate the production design, the quality of which, as I've noted before, has only increased as this show's run has dragged on. This is one of the best Underworld sets I've ever seen, especially when compared to the anonymous series of papier-mâché caverns that dominated back in the days of the Colethazor. There's one nicely framed shot in particular that places the almighty hams in the background while the foreground's dominated by a frothing pond of bubbling acid, with an artful array of blazing branches dominating the left half of the screen. Oh, and whoops! Look at that -- I almost missed what will soon amount to a lapse in continuity. Snidely's explaining to Barbas that, by intervening in the natural balance between our world and Bizarroland, he's "allowed too much good to corrupt the other world." The only way to rectify that situation "is for a great evil to corrupt ours." While that latter line of reasoning certainly opens up a certain amount of justification for the Dolt's actions at the end of the evening, the premise will soon be contradicted by Phauxhawk and Baige. Then again, Snidely might be lying, but you'd think Barbas would pick up on that. Oh, whatever. I hate this show. And now the scene's over. Sayonara, boys! You go right ahead and stay away for as long as you like, you hear?
High atop the Golden Gate Bridge -- and this is a set that certainly got a workout this season -- the Dolt's utilizing his supernatural Lo-Jack in an attempt to determine Snidely's current location. An ever-useless Elder we've never seen before and likely shall never see again orbs in to inform the Dolt that he's wasting his time. The Council of Elders have been searching for Snidely ever since the shift, evidently, and if they collectively can't find the guy, there's little hope the Dolt can do it on his own. Or something like that. I swear to God, I've become so used to sloppy or nonexistent explanations for events on this show that I've taken to fanwanking those explanations for myself automatically as I'm watching. Whatever. The upshot of this scene is that the Elder's arrived to warn the Dolt that "[his] emotions are clouding [his] better judgment," and that should he take it upon himself to punish Snidely for Snidely's actions against the Dolt's family, it could have dire repercussions for the world at large. Basically, this guy's telling the Dolt to sacrifice the Psycho in favor of the greater good, as that really is the Dolt's primary duty as an Elder. Naturally, the Dolt tells him to fuck off and orbs right on out of there. So much for that promotion.
The Only Hospital In San Francisco. A policeman leads an idiotically grinning amputee through the emergency room doors towards points unknown as the camera pans past another amputee in a wheelchair and another amputee leaning on a doctor's arm, before landing on policewoman who cheerily notes, "You're all done, sir -- all you have to do is pay your fine!" as she assists yet another amputee to his feet. Everyone's clad, incidentally, in bright primaries and pastels. Raige and Phoebe wander into the emergency room from the street, with Raige snarking, "Wow. It's just as creepy in here as it is out there." The gals arrive at the reception desk, where a blazing redhead in an old-fashioned nurse's uniform welcomes them with a far-too-chipper "Welcome to San Francisco Memorial! How can I help-help-help you?" "You could take it down a notch," Raige deadpans. "She's kidding!" Phoebe goofs, all teeth and lipstick, faux-playfully batting at Raige's arm before emphasizing, "She's a kidder!" Changing the subject, Phoebe asks, "Just out of curiosity, what happened here? Was it a freeway accident?" "Oh, heavens, no!" the receptionist giddily cries. "It's always like this around here," she continues, before adding in an exaggeratedly conspiratorial whisper, "Lawbreakers, you know." I don't know about you, but I am loving this chick. A quick check of the IMDb tells me she's being played by Kerry O'Malley, Mike O'Malley's sister and recipient of Drama Desk and Outer Critics Circle nominations for her performance in the recent revival of Into The Woods. Good to know her parents produced at least one talented child.
In any event, Phoebe and Raige are predictably shocked to discover the hospital's now in the primary business of hacking off people's limbs, but they cover their dismay well as Phoebe inquires as to Piper's whereabouts. "What was her offense?" Nurse Kerry politely asks. Phoebe bugs out her eyes and hastens to clarify that Piper's having a baby. This news is met near ultrasonic squeals of delight from Nurse Kerry, who promptly identifies Piper's room as "1402," before reminding the gals, "Don't dawdle! Visiting hours are almost over. You all have a wonderful day, now, okay?" "'Day'?" Raige repeats, dazed, as she double-checks Phoebe's watch. "It's almost eight o'clock -- it should be dark now." "Dark?!" Nurse Kerry spits, instantly hostile. "Why would anyone say such a depressing thing? ImaginethesungoingawaynothavingsunshineALLTHETIME! Anyone who would want that should be, well, shot!" Raige and Phoebe, who'd been absorbing this rant with "oooo-kay, freak" looks on their faces, freeze for a moment as Nurse Kerry's last word echoes through the suddenly quiet lobby. All present turn to glare at the gals as Phoebe, thinking fast, bubbles over with fake laughter to assure everyone that Raige was joking and that they're there to visit their sister, who's having a baby, don't you know. General revelry at this bit of news from the temporarily placated idiots in the emergency room as Phoebe and Raige vanish into the elevator. Wow. That was actually a fun scene.
The camera cuts to fill the screen with one of those Have A Nice Day! smiley-face Mylar balloons I like so much, before panning to reveal the heavily pregnant Piper propped up in bed, contentedly swilling Jell-O. Her hair is in braids, so we know something's wrong. The just-arrived Phoebe and Raige, however, are idiots, and don't realize Piper's been affected by the shift until a chipper amputee orderly arrives to pick up her tray, and Piper enthuses over "the frozen peas and the processed turkey" that were "to die for!" As the amputee orderly bobbles the tray, Piper leans forward with, "Oh, let me give you a hand!" There's a beat, then Piper hoots, "Ooops!" before both she and the orderly dissolve into giggles. "That's not funny!" an appalled Phoebe chides, but the orderly's all, "Hey, my fault! Shouldn't have been using my cell phone in the hospital!" You know, I think I could really get behind whacking off the hands of cell-phone abusers. Though it would make more sense, of course, to cut off their ears, but whatever. Anyway, after the orderly's exited, Phoebe and Raige beg Piper to snap out of it, as the Psycho's in danger, and Snidely's to blame. The idea that an ever-useless Elder could be anything but perfectly benign is, of course, heresy in this altered world, and Piper urges her sisters to shut their yaps before they get themselves into trouble. As Phoebe and Raige flail about in frustration, Piper's chipper physician bounds in from the hall to check up on her. An equally chipper Cleansing Burst Of Synchronicity leaps into the room to boot Piper in the stomach. "Say!" the doctor perks. "That's not good!" "Those darn contractions are a lot more painful than they should be," Piper agrees, appearing entirely unconcerned. "What does that mean?" Raige breathes. "It means visiting hours are over!" the doc replies. "Buh-bye, now!" Phoebe protests, so the doctor adds, "Rules are rules! Did you want to keep your legs?" Phoebe and Raige skedaddle.
Out in the hall, Phoebe and Raige agree that in the Dolt's absence, they should "probably have a little talk with [themselves]," meaning, of course, their Bizarro counterparts. As they pass out of the frame, an orderly who'd been hunched over in the background rises, and it's Barbas, who'd been eavesdropping at Snidely's behest. He retreats to a corner, where Snidely himself uncloaks for a strategy session. As Piper's the only sister affected by the shift, she is the only one who can alter Phoebe and Raige so that they, too, will forget the threat Snidely represents to the Psycho. It's up to Barbas to work his fear-mongering mojo to ensure Piper does just that. And…scene. Well, not really, because first we have to linger in the hospital for a million years as Barbas stalks over to Piper's room to stare and menace and slow-tracking close-up and God! Just cut away already!
Thank you! Up in the nonexistent Manor attic, Big Gay Chris scries unsuccessfully for Snidely as the Dolt enters with the Psycho, whom he deposits in a playpen in the center of the room. Big Chris suggests the Dolt ask the other ever-useless Elders for their assistance, and is pleasantly surprised when the Dolt instantly shoots down that idea. "Trouble in paradise?" Chris smirks with a cocked brow. Sigh. Pretty! This leads to another brief discussion regarding the murky status of Piper and the Dolt's relationship. Big Manipulative Chris admits he'd simply "like to go back to a future where [his] parents are still together." The Dolt waffles a bit, but eventually counters, "It's just like I said when I was making the potion…" He trails off as he realizes that Snidely conspired to convince them the potion was useless. Therefore, it must really work, and they can send Big Chris back to the future right away. Chris -- ever the martyr, just like his mother -- nixes this plan, as with Snidely still on the loose, he's yet to accomplish what he came back to achieve: The Psycho's salvation. If I were Chris, I'd object to the plan because my stepping-off point would be this fucked-up shifted reality, and I'd likely end up in yet another parallel universe. But I think too much about these things, and besides, the point of this scene is to allow the guys enough blathering time to realize Snidely's been the Psycho's Big Bad all along. Or, you know, so they believe. I'm convinced the Psycho's been his very own Big Bad since day one, but these people never listen to me. In any event, what Chris can't understand is why Snidely turned the Psycho to The Dark Side if Snidely had always viewed the Psycho as a threat. Oh, Chris. Snidely didn't turn your brother to The Dark Side, because no one turned your brother to The Dark Side. Your brother's a creepy, emotionless freak, and will become evil no matter what you or your parents or your aunts try to do about it -- just as his Bizarro counterpart with the normal range of human emotions will become good no matter what his family does to prevent that from happening. Oy. That's all conjecture on my part, of course, but wouldn't it be interesting if it were true? A hell of a lot more interesting than this Demon Of The Week crap they've been pulling all season. Anyway, the Dolt supposes that, in Chris's original timeline, Snidely kidnapped the Psycho and basically tortured the tot trying to figure out a way to kill him. Therefore, Dark Side. No, Dolt. See above. Whatever. The Dolt promises to prevent all that from happening, for both his sons' sakes. The scene ends with a lovingly lingering close-up of my pretty husband's grateful expression, which only serves to make me that much more embittered regarding what happens to him later.
Snidely's study. "The Power of Four has worked before," Phoebe notes as she enters the chamber with Raige. Raige reminds Phoebe that they were all in the same universe at the time. It might be a bit more difficult to merge their powers now. The gals jaw their way through the room in search of whatever Snidely might have used to contact his evil twin until Phoebe notices the echo. She spots a fallen chess piece, crosses to slide open the arras, and finds Phauxhawk staring back at her through the mirror. The Raiges join them for a processing summit, during which the Bizarro Gals directly contradict Snidely's earlier assertion that "too much good [has corrupted their] world." Seems that folks on their side of the glass are having their limbs amputated for saying, "Gesundheit," not for saying, "Fuck you." So, either Snidely was lying to Barbas, or this show can't maintain continuity between scenes in a single episode, or the writers didn't think this concept through when they came up with this crap and thus have shattered the episode's interior logic. I don't care anymore. Long story short, the four realize they indeed cannot merge powers across the divide that exists between the two worlds, and so decide to cast spells on their respective Pipers to restore the Powers of Three. Once they've accomplished that, they'll reopen the portal, and Our Gals will give the Bizarro Gals a walking tour of the Bay Area until enough time has elapsed to shift the balance back where it belongs. Or something like that. Whatever.
The Only Hospital In San Francisco. Piper's not doing so well, but both she and her doctor remain unnaturally optimistic. He exits to order another ultrasound, giving spectral Barbas an opportunity to flicker into the room and fuck with Piper's mind. As her greatest fear now involves losing her sisters, and yes, that was Phoebe's greatest fear the first time he showed up, and no, I don't remember what Piper's fears were, but you know what? Neither do the writers, so who cares? Now, where was I? Oh, yeah: Barbas conjures a hallucination in which Phoebe and Raige storm into the room to insist that Snidely's evil and must therefore be destroyed. A trio of ever-useless Elders immediately orbs in from above to raise their arms and incinerate Phoebe and Raige with streams of fire they shoot from their hands. As the hallucination blinks out, Barbas leans in close to whisper into Piper's ear, "You have to help them conform -- save them from themselves before it's too late and you lose them forever." Piper considers her options, then reaches for a notepad as Barbas flickers out with a grin on his face. Piper scribbles out the following, which she reads aloud:
Call now the powers Blessed Be
To make my sisters happy!
Cut to the nonexistent Manor attic, where Big Gay Chris is still scrying for Snidely as the Dolt paces impotently back and forth on the carpet. Raige and Phoebe orb in from Not!warts and beeline towards the Book of Shadows for a little abuse. The boys join them at the stand as they quickly relate the circumstances of their chat with their Bizarro counterparts. Before they can elaborate on the proposed course of action, however, a pinkish glow suffuses their bodies as Piper's spell takes effect. "What just happened?" Big Chris side-eyes in the Dolt's direction. "Dunno," replies the Dolt. Typical. Phoebe and Raige, looking a bit drunk, beam beatifically as Chris urges them to get back to their plan. "The plan?" Phoebe breathes. "It's just to go see Piper in the hospital!" "That's a really good plan!" Raige squeals, and now they're acting like they're stoned off their fricking gourds. The gals snicker and doof as Chris bites, "Uh oh." The perplexity of the Dolt dominates the screen for an instant before The Clarion Clarinet Of What's With The Wacky Hijinks When My Poor Pretty Husband's About To Die? tootles us into the commercial break.
The camera pans up the Manor façade from the front steps to take in a CGI skywriter painting a massive smiley face in the air before we head back inside, where Phoebe and Raige sail down the attic stairs as the Psycho-laden Dolt protests, "This is crazy. You can't leave like this!" "Well, we can't very well ignore Chris's birth!" Raige sings in response, never breaking her stride towards the main stairs. "We have to celebrate!" Big Gay Chris, bringing up the rear of this little parade through the second floor, exasperates, "I'm the baby! I give you permission not to!" Heh. The scene cuts down to the foyer, where Raige waxes enthusiastic about seeing Tiny Gay Chris for the first time and picking out a name for the infant. "But I already have a name," Big Chris bleats. "Well, now would be the perfect time to change!" Raige zings as they reach the main floor. By the way, the toddler playing the Psycho pretty much blew this take by forgetting his direction to remain dead-eyed and impassive and enthusiastically pointing towards one of the fake family portraits on the wall. Brian Krause rather amusingly tries to distract the kid without dropping character himself as he hustles out of the frame as fast as he can. Hee. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah: Phoebe brightly wonders how Big Gay Chris came by his name in the first place, and we learn -- finally -- that he was named for the Dolt's father. The altered gals think that's really sweet. There's a bit more bubbly and inane chatter before the gals vanish into the kitchen, leaving Big Gay Chris and the Dolt alone to muddle through whatever the hell it was that just happened. The Dolt soon enough realizes that Snidely must have somehow manipulated Piper into casting a spell on her sisters, as Piper's the only person powerful enough to do so. Okay. We'll go with that. I mean, Snidely could have cast the spell too, right? Sigh. And the first half of this evening's presentation was so good. Anyway, long story short, the newly affected gals emerge from the kitchen, and it becomes clear they no longer remember the events of the last hour and a half. They also coddle and coo at Big Gay Chris, who's totally not having it. Neither am I. I'll admit that this peppy crap was sort of amusing the first time through, and to be completely honest with you, it's clear the actors are having a hell of a time playing it. That collective enthusiasm adds a great deal to these sequences' entertainment value, but let's be frank here: It's filler. It's padding to bloat the finale to a two-hour length, and it's making me weary, dammit.
ANY-way. The doorbell rings. It's the helium version of Detective Doormat, who's arrived to arrest Big Gay Chris for roughing him up and BORING! At some point during this scene, Phoebe and Raige exit for the hospital. At another point during this scene, Big Gay Chris squints his eyes in irritation and sneers, "I don't have time for this." Couldn't have said it better, hubby o' mine. Big Chris, in a manner reminiscent of his great-grandmother, flings out a pair of forked fingers to blast the Doormat with a whack of telekinetic energy that knocks the cop flat on his ass halfway across the front porch. Hooray! I'm sick of Darryl. Big Chris then ambles up to the entrance, snarks, "Have a nice day!" and in the gayest gesture of the season, bobbles his hand around on his wrist to sling the door shut with some more TK. Ha! Big Chris rejoins the Dolt in time for the Dolt to muse that Snidely must have left some sort of trail if he did indeed influence Piper. As the Dolt passes out of the frame to investigate, Chris urges, "Hurry."
Barbas's Lair. The gargantuan hams gnaw that lovely Underworld set to pieces as they plot against the Dolt. Long story short, Barbas is to prey upon the Dolt's worst fears as a father, in order to paralyze him long enough to allow Snidely an opportunity to abscond from the Manor with the Psycho. Scene.
The Only Hospital In San Francisco. The Dolt surreptitiously orbs into a supply closet and emerges to ask a preternaturally chirpy candy striper -- and that's a fuck of a lot of chirpy in a candy striper, people -- for the maternity ward's location, as Raige enters with balloons and a teddy bear. From Raige, he learns of Piper's complications and races upstairs to check on the ex-wife. As he strides through the suspiciously empty hallway, he's surprised to find the Psycho standing alone at the far end of the corridor. "[Psycho]?" the Dolt breathes as the camera suddenly shudders to get all up in his face. Man. Krause has not aged well over the last six years, has he? Anyway, Barbas, of course, flickers in to croon, "Watch as the thing you fear most comes to life, and the future is lost." Barbas flickers out, and the Psycho flares to morph up into Mangy Jesus. Thank God they were able to book the same actor for the role. If they hadn't, I'd be putting my fist through the TV right about now. "What's the matter, Dad?" Mangy Jesus ices as he lopes towards the Dolt. "Don't you recognize me? I'm the [Psycho] you're trying to save from Chris's future." And with that, Mangy Jesus pimp-smacks the Dolt ass-over-end into the wall. Hooray! Barbas flickers back in to fuck with the Dolt's mind, but that's not nearly as much fun as what happens : Mangy Jesus summons Excalibur from points unknown with his orbing telekinesis and runs the blade straight through the Dolt's stomach. Yay! With delightfully squishy sound effects, Mangy Jesus twists the sword around in the Dolt's gut, wiggles it up and down, and then yanks it back out. The Dolt gasps like a landed trout as Mangy Jesus smirks. Hee.
Off Mangy Jesus' sneer, we cut back to the dead-eyed Psycho in his playpen up in the nonexistent attic. Big Gay Chris, standing at the Book and looking positively angelic in the soft white backlight flooding through the windows, glances briefly at his brother before returning to his research. That floorboard creaks. Chris snaps his head up to dart his eyes around the apparently empty room as the camera swings a semicircle around his head. More creaking. Chris darts over to the playpen and bends to orb out with the Psycho. The invisible Snidely -- because, come on, you know it's him -- backhands Chris across the room to smash into a table before crashing to the floor. Snidely uncloaks to loom over the Psycho as Chris scrambles to his feet. "Don't make me sacrifice you both," Snidely warns, and if I were Chris, I'd get the fuck out of the attic right about now and plan on rescuing the Psycho later. Unfortunately, Chris decides otherwise, and slams Snidely to the opposite end of the floor with some telekinesis of his own. Snidely swings his head around to glare at Chris and conjures that dagger into his right hand before recloaking. Chris, stupidly -- oh, how stupid he is at this moment -- physically charges towards the playpen, rather than orbing over. He barely makes it halfway before Snidely uncloaks and plunges that damned dagger into Chris's stomach. Chris gasps, "Dad!" before collapsing to the carpet.
Meanwhile, the Dolt's collapsing to the tile over at The Only Hospital In San Francisco. Mangy Jesus tosses the Dolt one last supremely dismissive glare before stalking off down the hall and blinking out as the hallucination ends. Big Gay Chris's faint cry for help reaches the Dolt's supernatural ears as Barbas flickers back in to gloat, "In trying to save one son, you have lost both. Very, very sad." Barbas flickers out just as Brian Krause unleashes his patented Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unbearable Anguish And Torment, and I am instantly struck blind. Judging from what I can hear, though, the Dolt eventually pulls it together to orb back to the nonexistent attic in time to watch Snidely pink-orb out with the Psycho. The Dolt hovers over his -- let's face it -- mortally wounded son as Big Gay Chris grimaces in agony all the way out into the commercial break.
Barbas's Lair. Snidely pink-orbs in with the Psycho so that the gargantuan hams can devour what little remains of the set after that last scene they had together while they figure out a way to slaughter the toddler. Barbas eventually loses patience and dives for the Psycho with an athame, but the Psycho orbs out, sending Barbas face-first into the dirt. And that's pretty much all there is to say about that one. !
Oh. Um. Can I go back? Please? Shit. The Dolt eases Big Gay Chris onto the bed in the Bridal Boudoir and applies the tingly touch as Big Gay Chris, ever the martyr, insists that his father search immediately for his brother. The Dolt refuses until Chris gently pushes his hands away, reminding him that as Snidely's magic is responsible for the gaping hole in his stomach, only more of the same magic can heal him. Since that's extremely unlikely to happen at this point, the Dolt must find the Psycho "before the trauma turns him." Oh, Chris. I already told you. Your brother is destined to become Mangy Jesus, and there's nothing you can do about it. Save yourself. Alas, it is not to be, for Chris argues that despite appearances to the contrary, should the Dolt save the Psycho, the Dolt will save Big Gay Chris as well. The Dolt reluctantly stands to orb out, promising to return with one of Chris's aunts so as not to leave him alone in his five minutes of need. "You're going to be fine," the Dolt insists, bending to kiss Chris's forehead. "I promise." Aw. No, seriously. Aw. Bet you never thought I'd type that about the Dolt and mean it, now, did you? The camera shifts above Chris's death bed -- sniff! -- as the Dolt orbs up through the ceiling.
The Only Hospital In San Francisco, and if I had very little patience for this peppy crap before, it's entirely gone now that my husband is dying. Shut up, you stupid women. Long, long scene short, the Dolt orbs onto the maternity ward and berates his former sisters-in-law until the pinkish glow once more suffuses their bodies to indicate the passing of the spell's influence. Phoebe's to remain at the hospital, as Piper's being prepped for surgery. Raige will head back to the Manor to tend to my dying husband while the Dolt searches for that stupid, smug prick Snidely.
Manor foyer. Raige orbs in and calls out for Big Gay Chris. She's answered by a SWAT team that surges into the main hall, followed by Helium Doormat and the pink-clad Inspector Sheridan. Raige snarls at them to go to hell, and gets backhanded by Sheridan for her trouble. "Watch your tongue!" Sheridan chides. Raige glares back at her from the floor, defiant. Get back to Chris!
Dammit! Snidely's study. The Dolt angrily yanks open the arras to find the Pinhead on the opposite side of the mirror. The Dolt and the Pinhead bang their skulls together for a while, realize that their respective Snidelys are working with their respective Barbi, and orb and darklight as appropriate to their respective Underworlds. Get back to Chris!
Dammit! The Psycho orbs into another chamber of Hell, where he vanquishes a couple of fanged, black-eyed demonic types who'd been lunching on a carcass. Then he orbs out. The Psycho exhibited zero emotion throughout. Yeah, Chris is dying in vain. Speaking of Chris: Get back to him!
Dammit! I forgot about this. Barbas blazes in just as the Psycho orbs out, overacts for about three thousand years over a pile of demonic ash, and sneers something I'll not be transcribing. Get back to Chris!
Thank you! Raige stands alone in the Manor's upper hall, bellowing for the Dolt. The Dolt orbs in, takes one look at the tortured expression on her face, and demands, "What's wrong?" The Bridal Boudoir's door opens to emit a couple of SWAT cops, followed by Helium Doormat and Inspector Pink, who express their condolences. Oh, go away, you tedious people! The Dolt barrels past them into the room, where he finds my dying husband looking very pale indeed. The Dolt kneels at Chris's side as Raige steps hesitantly into the doorway to witness what follows. The Dolt whispers urgently for Chris to hold on, but it's no use, and I can't take this. Fuck you, Kern. Fuck! You! "Don't give up," the Dolt breathes as Raige begins weeping. Chris, weakening fast, struggles to maintain his father's gaze and murmurs, "You be there, okay?" and wow, but that's got to be an around-the-world guilt trip for the stupid, neglectful Dolt. I don't know whether to giggle or cry. Way to go, Chris. Way to quite literally go. Chris's eyelids flutter shut as his head slowly drops to one side. Raige gasps and sobs. The Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unbearable Anguish And Torment threatens to make another appearance, but the Dolt instead buries his face in Chris's chest. And then Chris just fades away. The camera swings overhead as the Dolt collapses into the bed as his son disappears, and he spreads his arms out, reaching for what is no longer there. Fucking hell. This show hasn't made me misty-eyed in over three goddamned years, and never once did that involve the goddamned Dolt. Raige silently chokes on her tears as her wrecked ex-brother-in-law vanishes into the final commercial break.
Please give me something to mock.
Thank you! Thank you for this shitty effects sequence featuring the stupid, neglectful Dolt as he goes both Hulk and Magneto on the blameless antiques in the attic! And why the fuck is he up in the attic, anyway? Oh! My son just died in my arms! I think I'll head upstairs to blow up the furniture! Asshole. Raige races out of her hiding place, manages to calm him down, and pep-talks him into taking it out on the Elder responsible. Raige realizes that the time Barbas and Snidely contact each other, the Dolt will be able to "intercept" it. Whatever. They killed my husband. I don't care anymore.
Hell. Snidely, mimicking the Dolt's voice, tricks the Psycho into orbing into some anonymous chamber, traps the emotional void in a cage of Mystical Crysticals, and summons Barbas, who materializes to slither and menace and boring! Snidely passes the Chris-killing athame to his fellow ham to bless, the plan being that once both a demon and an Elder have consecrated the thing, it'll be able to pierce the Psycho's remaining defenses and BORING! I don't care about the fucking dead-eyed brat! Kill him already! Kill him! Shit. Barbas skewers Snidely with the athame instead, then morphs into the Dolt. Granted, the Dolt's here to exact vengeance for his prettier son, and I certainly approve of that, but you know it's going to take them forever to get through it. Sigh. So, the Dolt sneers and backhands Snidely all the way across the current chamber and halfway through Barbas's Lair beyond. Snidely tries to argue his case, but the Dolt of course isn't having it and tosses Snidely into a wall. Barbas, unnoticed, blazes in to spy on the action for the briefest of moments before blazing out again, and I mention that only because I'm certain they're going to drag him back into the seventh-season storylines, if for no other reason than to annoy the living shit out of me. Tussling. Grunting. Shouting. Ennui. The Dolt resigns his Elder duties at some point during all of this, by the way. Like we didn't know that was going to happen sooner or later. Eventually, the Dolt summons Snidely's special mirror into Barbas's lair. It materializes to reveal the Pinhead standing in Bizarro Barbas's Underground Arboreal Retreat. "You ready?" the Pinhead asks. "Ay-yup," the Dolt replies. "But remember -- I have to do this alone." Snidely, who's already been beaten to the point that he's unable to rise from the dirt, is all, "Do what alone?" "A great evil," the Dolt sneers, right before he unleashes massive bolts of electricity from his hands that hoist a howling and writhing Snidely into the air. In the mirror, the Pinhead stands off to one side as Bizarro Snidely also howls and writhes in mid-air. And in the middle of all this…
…we cut to The Only Hospital In San Francisco, and oh, screw me. Now Phoebe is making me all misty-eyed. I hate this show. "Fade away?" she asks softly, having just received the news from Raige. "Whuh-what do you mean, 'He just faded away'?" "In [the Dolt's] arms," Raige confirms, "after he died." Phoebe, trying not to burst into tears, gets desperate and breathy as she stammers, "Yeah, but m-m-maybe he didn't die! I mean, maybe he was just going back…" Raige shakes her head sadly, eyes glistening and red. Sniff. Damn you all! Bastards! BASTARDS! "Oh, God," Phoebe sighs. "Poor [Dolt]." Screw the Dolt. What about me? How the hell am I supposed to make it through another season of this shit without Big Gay Chris? Huh? HUH? What, you think I'm supposed to care about Raige's stupid fucking temp jobs and Phoebe's stupid fucking vision quest and Piper's stupid fucking marriage? Think again, asshats.
AUAUGAUAAUUUUAGH.
Anyway. Piper's doctor enters the waiting room to cheerily reveal that she's dying, too, from an unstoppable hemorrhage, and I would say, "Blow it out your ass, douchebag, because Holly Marie Combs is in the opening credits," but then I think of Drew Fuller. And Ted King. And Shannen Doherty. Sigh. They should have killed off Greg Vaughn while they were at it. For real, though. Anyway, Phoebe and Raige get loud, so this stupid doctor calls for this stupid hospital's stupid security team to shoot the mouthy bitches to get them to shut fuck up, but at that moment, everyone save the gals shifts into slow motion. "What's going on?" Raige wonders.
Outside, a wash of glowy white mojo sweeps across the city skyline, transforming day into night.
Back in the maternity ward, everyone revs up to normal speed. The security guards amble harmlessly past Phoebe and Raige as the Glamorous Ladies realize "everything is back to normal." Piper's doctor, suddenly sober, promises to do all that he can, and exits. "[The Dolt] must have done something," Raige realizes.
He's still doing it, actually. God, Snidely's a tough fucker to kill. Eventually, however, the Dolt allows Snidely to drop to the ground, where he mutters, "You have no idea what you've done," through blistered, seared lips before collapsing into a pile of ash. His counterpart in The Bizarro World, incidentally, does likewise. The Dolts congratulate each other, urge each other to take care of their respective families, and warn each other that their worlds can never cross over again. I'm sure they will, though, because sooner or later they're going to realize they have to switch Psychos. Besides, if the Dolts went to all that trouble to tell each other that their worlds could never again cross, you can bet your ass we'll be back in Bizarroland before the end of November sweeps. That's just me making with the speculation again, though. Not that I give a rat's ass about any of this anymore. The Dolts simultaneously destroy their respective mirrors, and Our Dolt crosses into the adjoining chamber to retrieve the Psycho. Yawn.
The Only Hospital In San Francisco. The Dolt arrives on the maternity ward with the Psycho to find Phoebe and Raige pacing anxiously. The gals greet him with qualified relief as Phoebe gathers the Psycho up in her arms. The Dolt silently confirms Snidely's demise as Piper's doctor wanders up to reveal that she's "resting comfortably" after the Caesarian section they were forced to perform. "And the baby?" the Dolt asks. "Is he all right?" "You tell me," the doctor replies, opening the doors to the recovery room. As orderlies wheel Piper into the back of the room, a nurse approaches with Tiny Gay Chris, and how did such an ugly child grow up to be so pretty? I know I referred to one of last season's Done Ones as Quasimodo, Nature's Hideous Mistake, but this thing looks like its missing a few chromosomes. "He's beautiful," Phoebe croons, ignoring me. Well, she never was known for her good taste, was she? "That's your brother!" she whispers to the Psycho, who -- wait for it -- couldn't care less. "Looks like we didn't lose him after all," Raige sighs, before offering the revolting newborn a fond smile. And in the middle of all this, the Dolt for once in his life genuinely looks like he's about to cry. Go to hell, Krause. After far too many lingering close-ups of the genetic tragedy in the Dolt's arms, Phoebe asks if they might visit with Piper. The doctor allows only one of them into the recovery room, so Phoebe turns to the Dolt and says, "Go tell her that we love her." Raige nods in agreement, so the Dolt passes into the room over to Piper's bed. She's looking rather robust for a woman's who just bled out during a C-section. Stupid show. The Dolt eases Tiny Gay Chris into her arms, and she glances out into the hallway to beam at her sisters before gazing down lovingly at her repulsive infant. Recast! Immediately! She offers the Dolt a smile. The Dolt pivots to grin at the ex-sisters-in-law. The ex-sisters-in-law flash their teeth in kind. Everyone's happy but me. Fuck all of you. And then, just to piss me off some more, they break with five seasons' worth of precedent to end the season with a pair of anonymous, battleship-grey hospital doors swinging shut. And what do the doors rather anviliciously scream? RECOVERY! Yeah, RECOVER Big Gay Chris, assholes, and then maybe we can talk. Bastards.