Fade up on a black-and-white yearbook page entitled "Memorable," with the subheading "A panorama of our favorite pariahs and pantheons." I'd bust on that "panorama of pantheons" crap, but I, too, worked on the yearbook staff in high school, and that sort of nauseating nonsense is pretty much par for the course in those things. The upper right-hand side of the page is dominated by an image of Alyssa Milano adorned with a long, dark, bebanged wig and a black leather motorcycle jacket. One hand clutches a grubby messenger bag while the other's splayed open facing the camera, which combined with that "GUH!" expression on her face is a fairly accurate depiction of the sort of pot-smoking, shoplifting, slutty delinquent Phoebe supposedly was in high school. The caption reads, "Most likely to Serve...Time?" And even for yearbook writing, that construction makes No...Sense? Shut up, stupid Phoebe's stupid fucking yearbook. "Interesting," Raige breathes as the toilet flushes in Piper's bedroom.
Holly Marie Combs, no longer playing Block That Fetus! and looking like she's about to expel her real-life percolating infant onto the floor of the set at any moment, waddles out of the bathroom to groan, "I don't remember having morning sickness this bad with [the littlest Psycho]." As Piper joins Raige on the bed, we learn that Phoebe's somehow convinced Raige to tag along to Phoebe's ten-year high school reunion that evening. Which makes Less...Sense? than that stupid yearbook line above. Why would Phoebe drag her long-lost half-sister to a party where she will know and be known by no one, and why would Raige agree to go? Oh, yeah: Because Rose McGowan has to earn her paycheck somehow this week, and because this show is ass. Whatever. In any event, Raige is doing a little background research before the event with the help of Phoebe's annual. Piper peers over her sister's shoulder to wonder if a certain "Todd Marks" is still alive. "Phoebe tended to hang with the bad-boy crowd," Piper notes. "Anything to piss off Grams." Nice try, Piper, but the guy in the photo looks like a dentist. We learn that Todd was, in Piper's words, Phoebe's "first lust," and that another young gentleman by the name of Rick Gittridge was the ringleader of Phoebe's little gang back in the day. Piper warns Raige to avoid Mr. Rick should he be in attendance that evening, as he's apparently insane, or something. Raige, of course, is delighted with this newfound knowledge of her half-sister's sordid back-story, like, you'd think they would have covered this at some point in the last two and a half years, but whatever, because this show? Is ass. Piper psychobabbles something about Phoebe's rebellious adolescence and its connection to the death of their mother, despite the fact that Phoebe was barely a year old when Finola Hughes took the swim that needs no towel, and I'm torn between aggressively rolling my eyes around in my head or closing them and going to sleep.
Eye-rolling wins out when the Feebs shrieks -- loudly -- from elsewhere in the upstairs hall. Raige and Piper, startled, race out into the hallway to find Phoebe muttering, "Oh, my God!" over and over again as she staggers towards them from her boudoir with a cranberry-colored dress in her hands, looking for all the world like a special Olympian plowing through the last draining leg of a 400-meter relay. Seems the dry cleaners have ruined the dress she'd been planning to wear that evening, though the stain she displays on the thing's shoulder is suspiciously Lewinsky-esque and more likely the last remnant of Chronic The Hedgehog in San Francisco. Piper chides the dimwit for screaming over a stupid dress as if the Manor had come under sudden demonic attack. "I'm sorry," Phoebe claims, totally not sorry at all, "but what am I supposed to wear to the reunion?" "How about prison stripes?" Raige snarks. "You told her about the shoplifting?" Phoebe sighs. Piper hadn't, and Raige's eyebrows lift skyward at this additional glimpse into Phoebe's sordid past as Phoebe psychobabbles something stupid about "acting out" before getting back to the matter of her wardrobe. Raige suggests that black suit I like so much, but Phoebe thinks it'll be "too threatening." She flaps her hands around and clomps back to her boudoir to rifle through her closet, giving Big Gay Chris room to orb into the upper hall from points unknown, clad in a filthy yet alluring duster.
"I need your help," he begins. "I think I got Scabbars on my tail." "Oh," Piper delicately offers with widened eyes. "I've got some hydrogen peroxide in my bathroom." She's apparently not joking, so I don't know if that was an unsubtle "Big Gay Chris is a big gay bottom" crack or what, and more importantly, I don't want to go there, so I'll just note that Big Chris meant, of course, dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell, and move on from there. Seems he's been doing a little undercover work with a pack of marauding Scabbar Demons -- and that sounds even dirtier than Piper's hydrogen peroxide line, like, Chris, you tramp -- and he believes they've discovered his deception. He blurts that he needs a cloaking spell and, after confirming that the Book of Shadows is in its customary place in the nonexistent attic, bolts up the stairs for a little Book abuse. Piper calls after him with an offer of assistance, but Big Gay Chris disappears upwards without acknowledging her. "He hates me," Piper grumbles. "No, he doesn't," Raige counters. "He's just distracted, that's all," she continues, following Piper back into the Bridal Boudoir. "You know, by imminent death." "That's no excuse!" Piper sings. Heh. "He's been avoiding me for weeks -- he won't even look at me. What could I have done in the future that was so bad?" Raige suggests a father-son chat, which Piper instantly nixes because the damned dirty Dolt knocked her up in a dank and forbidding alleyway and then dumped her ass. Or something like that. Besides, she reminds Raige, the Dolt doesn't even know she's carrying Fetal Gay Chris. "That's why I called my father," Piper exposits, "so he can figure out why his surly new grandson hates me." Just then, Piper's stomach executes a front-handspring step-out rounded-back-handspring step-out rounded-back-handspring with a full-twisting layout, so she toddles back to the bathroom to hurl. Piper's digestive tract is bank. Raige gingerly trails along after her, so that by the time Phoebe bounces into the Bridal Boudoir to seek their opinion on a slinky champagne-colored slip of a thing, the two have vanished. Phoebe crosses to the bed to retrieve her yearbook from atop the comforter, notes a "poem" inscribed on the flyleaf, and snickers to herself before reading it aloud:
Those who mock who I am:
Let them always remember when.
Of course, the couplet has all the effects of an actual spell now that she's a witch, and she should have realized that before so stupidly reading it aloud, but this show is ass, so whatever. Phoebe instantly flares and morphs into her teenaged self for a second before flaring and morphing back. She twitches, blinking her eyes in surprise and dropping the yearbook back on the bed. The camera cuts to a shot of her yearbook photo and zooms quickly in on Teen Feebs's slatternly and slack-jawed expression before slamming us into the opening credits.
The Opening Travelogue is mercifully ovary-free this evening, so we watch time-lapse images of night falling on the city in blissful peace for a bit before heading back to the Manor, where Victor "Daddy Dearest" (Jones) Bennett has just arrived to ring the doorbell. Piper greets him with a warm hug while perking, "Good to see you!" "Good to see you, too," he replies before stepping back and adding in surprise, "All of you! You're pregnant!" "Yeah, looks that way, huh?" she amusingly rejoins while shutting the door. She natters an apology for not breaking the news to him earlier, and hastens to note that the Dolt's the father. "I thought you guys split up," Daddy Dearest huffs, setting his overcoat and overnight bag on the mirrored foyer console table. Piper confirms the separation. "Then how -- I don't understand," Daddy Dearest splutters as Piper leads him into the parlor. "Well," Piper explains with the wildly gesticulating hands of a woman who knows how asinine her plot points have been over the last season or so, "he was dying and I was crying and -- it's all very complicated."
They seat themselves on adjacent overstuffed armchairs as Daddy Dearest guesses, "So, [the Dolt's], ah, moved on?" "Yeah," Piper admits, "but I'm happy for him. He really wanted to go." "He wanted to die?" Daddy Dearest eyebrows. Piper clues her father in on the whole ever-useless Elder thing and adds the Dolt knows nothing of her pregnancy. "The point is, he's not around," she concludes. "Was he ever?" Victor snorts. "Were you?" Piper shoots back with a teasing, bemused twinkle in her eye. Victor concedes the point, but insists he wants to make up for his past neglect with the littlest Psycho and whomever is currently occupying Piper's uterus. "It's a boy," Piper smiles. "Chris, actually." Victor wonders why Piper chose that particular name. "I don't know," she sighs, "and he won't tell me." "He's very secretive about the future," Piper confides. "That's the reason I asked you to come. See, he hates me, and I need you to find out why." James Read's facial expressions during all of this are hysterical -- you can tell Victor's doing his best not to judge his bizarre supernatural daughter and her bizarre supernatural pregnancy, and he's failing miserably. He finally admits, "I don't understand your Wiccan ways, but I'll try." He leans forward and starts shouting at Piper's bloated midsection. "Hello, Chris? Can you hear me?" It's cheap, but it's also far more amusing than it has any right to be, especially when Big Gay Chris's voice hits the parlor from the stairwell in reply. "Someone calling me?" Piper, who'd been vigorously mugging during all of this, calls out, "Uh, sweetie? Could you come here a sec?" "Jeez!" Victor yelps, leaping back in his seat. "He can come out?" Heh. Big Gay Chris lopes in from the main hall, takes one look at Daddy Dearest, giddily shouts, "Grandpa!" and jogs over to the startled Victor to wrap him in a hug. Piper's as shocked by all this as her father is. Big Chris -- who hasn't shaved in a couple of days and is wearing the resulting stubble quite well, thank you very much -- pulls back a bit to beam in his grandfather's face. Victor shakes off his confusion to beam right back at him.
Cut to the façade of a random, anonymous high-rise hotel. Phoebe and Raige arrive for Phoebe's reunion, and the sight of their attire sucks all will to live from my body. That slinky champagne-colored slip of a thing Phoebe yanked from her closet in the pre-credits sequence? Barely covers her tits, and the NIPPLES are so sharply defined, I expect them to scrawl frantic missives into my television screen from the opposite side of the glass at any second. Raige is more fully covered, but what's more fully covering her is the fluffy pelt of a sky-blue Muppet that someone hacked from the unfortunate thing's still-bleeding flesh, fashioned into a bath mat, and then converted into a short-waisted jacket after it had spent a few years sopping up grime from the commode floor. Not the worst thing Raige has ever worn, but God knows it's coming in a close second. In any event, Phoebe's panicking, because she thinks everyone at the reunion will hate her. Raige is dismissive, for "Ask Phoebe" is the city's most popular advice column, and everyone will therefore be thrilled to see her. The NIPPLES are freezing, and have already inscribed a mysterious message onto my screen that looks something like "!YDAERLA TAOC GNIKCUF A NO TUP OT HCTIB DIPUTS SIHT TEG" I'm indifferent, because these tedious reunion scenes are simply setting up a conflict that won't become important until the closing moments of the episode, so let's keep this moving, shall we?
Raige and Phoebe enter the hotel's low-ceilinged lobby, where one of Phoebe's fellow alumni greets her warmly. Raige has removed the jacket, by the way, and while the pale lemon-yellow shade of her chiffon dress does nothing for her skin tone, the dress's appealingly feminine style hugs Rose McGowan's curves in all the right places. Pity they couldn't have gone with a darker, more flattering color on the thing. The two amble over to the registration desk, where Phoebe's greeted by a sneering Hey! It's That Gal! by the name of Mary-Pat Green, whom I immediately recognize as the lesbian pastor of David and Keith's gay-friendly Episcopal congregation on Six Feet Under. Needless to say, she's playing Phoebe's former gym teacher. I want to kick Brad Kern until he's dead. Also, this "Miss Hickok" seems entirely unaware that Phoebe's now an advice columnist, which is ludicrous given All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me's habit of plastering the Bay Area with billboards prominently featuring Phoebe's horrific rictus, but this show is ass, so whatever. Mary-Pat passes the gals a couple of nametags and disappears for the rest of the episode. Raige sotto-voces an insulting remark about Mary-Pat's mannishness, or something, and the two enter the reunion proper.
Dreary early-'90s Lite FM R&B drones on and on above the crowd within the hotel ballroom as Phoebe anxiously eyes her former classmates, all of whom appear to be in their mid-thirties. A dizzy if well-meaning twit by the name of Ramona Shaw barrels into the frame to fawn over Phoebe and giggle at the memory of the night the Feebs locked her in the trunk of a car so Freebie could have sex on a country club golf course with that Todd guy. So, Ramona's pretty much the Camryn Manheim character from Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, only without the camera and the extra three hundred pounds, and I suppose that's all anyone needs to know about her. Yawn. Wake me up when anything about this plotline becomes important. Shame, really, because the actress playing Ramona is not unappealing, and she's sure as hell giving it her all, but seriously, people: Snore. That Todd guy ambles over to remind Phoebe of the time they broke into the principal's office back at Baker High so they could have sex on the guy's desk, and my, but Todd's a tall drink of water, isn't he? A tall drink of boring water, that is. He still looks like a dentist, even though he claims he's a personal injury attorney, but I suppose that works as well. He's also married to another of Phoebe's former acquaintances -- a "Paula" who has yet to appear on screen. Raige inquires as to Rick Gittridge's whereabouts. Todd informs the ladies that Mr. Rick is cooling his heels at the San Francisco County Jail, awaiting trial on an armed robbery charge. Phoebe's shocked and appalled. I'm tired.
Todd's wife enters at this juncture and, much like Missy Campbell, Homecoming Queen in this show's last reunion-themed episode, Paula will be assuming the mantle of The Bottle-Blonde Bitch Who Hates A Charmed One, Like, How Dare The Ungrateful Shrew Disdain One Of The Most Superwonderful, Superpowerful, Superfabulous Women This World Has Ever Seen? Paula leaps lustily into her assigned role, claiming Phoebe's a fake and a fraud and a slut. Ramona and Todd are horrified. I, meanwhile, fail to understand what their problem is. Phoebe really is a fake and a fraud and a slut. "To the rest of the world, you might be 'Ask Phoebe,'" Paula sneers, slithering on up into Phoebe's face. "But to us, you'll always be Freebie." Phoebe looks like she's going to cry, and silently spins to exit the ballroom. Raige shoots Paula a withering glare before chasing after her distraught sister.
"Why didn't you just tell that chick to go screw herself?" Raige howls as the two reach the lobby. Phoebe, gobsmacked by Paula's supposed insults, simply stares at the floor. The left NIPPLE takes this opportunity to opine, ".LOOHCS HGIH NI TULS YBBACS A GNIEB ROF STEG EHS TAHW S'TAHT" Phoebe finally flares and morphs into Phreebie for a moment before flaring and morphing back into her adult self. "Okay, what just happened?" she asks. "Why don't you tell me?" Raige yowls, flabbergasted. "I was just standing here," Phoebe explains, "and then I had some weird high-school flashback." "Yeah," Raige duhs, "your whole body just flashed back." ".YLETAIDEMMI KCAB HSALF D'UOY FI TI ETAICERPPA D'EW DNA," the right NIPPLE interjects. ".YZOC SAW TEKCAJ REHTAEL TEEWS TAHT" Raige announces that "the reunion is over," and snags Phoebe's hand to drag her back to the Manor.
Manor. Up in the kitchen, Piper, Daddy Dearest, and Big Gay Chris sit at the table and chat over some mugs of tea, or whatever. "So, we're close?" Victor asks Big Chris. "Yeah!" Big Chris grins. "You're awesome, Grandpa!" "Did you hear that?" Victor asks Piper, swelling with pride. "I'm awesome!" Snerk. "After the event happened," Chris explains, "we got really close." "What 'event'?" Piper demands. "Is it my fault? Is that why you're treating me like a non-person?" Big Gay Chris whips out his standard and lame "Can't discuss! Could alter the future! Wouldn't be prudent!" excuse, so Piper twists around in her chair and pouts. Victor tries his best to smooth things over, but mother and son are soon sniping away at each other until Big Gay Chris finally snaps, "I told you! I can't talk about it, okay?" "Hey," Victor warns with a bit of an easy smile on his face, "don't talk to your mother that way." Chris, chastened, apologizes and slumps back in his seat. Piper shoots him a pair of bemused eyebrows before the sounds of Phoebe and Raige's arrival enter the room from the main hall. Piper and Victor rise to exit, leaving Chris to sigh and wearily rub at his eyes.
Out in the main hall, Phoebe greets her father with much irritating babytalk and a small hug that Raige quickly breaks apart, the better to send Phoebe to the relative safety of her room until they can figure out what's going on with the flaring and the morphing and such. Phoebe disappears up the stairs while Raige fills the others in on recent events, and she and Piper head nonexistent-atticwards for some Book abuse. Chris, who's joined them from the kitchen by this point, announces his intention to return to the Scabbar Demons. "And leave your awesome grandpa alone?" Piper interjects, not having it. "Grab a sandwich!" she orders. "Grab a beer!" Turning to ascend the stairs, she finishes by muttering, "Get an answer." Daddy Dearest smirks and pulls two illegal Cuban cigars from his jacket pocket. Chris reluctantly accepts one and leads Victor to the sun porch doors for a smoke.
The Prue Halliwell Memorial Bimbo Boudoir Of Paisley Tit Slings And Other Fashion Atrocities, currently occupied by Phoebe. Phoebe babbles something to herself about not being the same person she was ten years ago as she paces the floor. As she passes her dressing table, she catches sight of Freebie's reflection in the vanity's glass. Phoebe spins to face the mirror, only to find the reflection's reverted to that of her older self. "What is happening to me?" she gulps as her cell phone rings. Phoebe answers to find Todd on the line, and I have no idea how the fuck he knew her number, but I don't care, because this show is ass, so whatever. Long story short, the two reminisce for a bit until Paula arrives at her husband's side, snatches the phone from his hand, and spits, "Who is this? Is this Freebie?" Back in Prue Memorial, Phoebe flares and morphs into Freebie, who snarls, "Yeah, and I'm comin' to get you, bitch!" Paula exhales sharply in disgust and storms away from Todd, who appears to be five minutes away from divorcing the harridan's peroxided ass. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Freebie crosses to her bedroom window and crawls out to scramble down the trellis.
Down on the patio, Big Gay Chris gags on his Cuban. My. That certainly sounds naughty, doesn't it? Victor apologizes, insisting he thought the cigars would help them bond somehow. Big Chris reminds Daddy Dearest that everything's cool between them, so Victor's forced to remind my very pretty yet disappointingly dim husband that while they might be pals in the future, Victor hasn't been there yet, and so is "feeling a little out of synch, here." Daddy Dearest alters tacks, suggesting dinner. Chris agrees, and heads into the Manor proper to change into something a little less grubby. Before doing so, however, he pulls a Frequency and warns Daddy Dearest to kick his cigar habit "to avoid future problems." Victor hastily rids himself of his cigar and thanks Big Chris "for the tip." As I wonder why the fuck Chris can take steps to prevent Victor's presumed future struggle with emphysema and yet cannot take steps to prevent "the event" that has Piper's panties in a wad, Freebie's motorcycle boots appear on the trellis through the sun porch window. She leaps the last few feet to the ground, futzes with her wig, and charges Fun-Bags-first towards the camera.
Cut to the reunion, where Freebie makes her "triumphant" entrance. The tasteful bitches of the class of 1994 are appalled. Also, some overaged Goth chick looks like she's going to vomit. Hee. The crowd conveniently parts to allow Freebie a clear path to Todd on the dance floor. She tosses her arms around his neck and shoves her tongue down his throat. Paula shrews her way over, and sweet Jesus but Claire Rankin's got some freaky eyes. They're just too blue and too shiny, and she's looking like one of the original Fembots from The Bionic Woman as a result. Eeek. Paula pries Freebie off her husband and shoves the trashily dressed slut to the parquet. Ramona rushes to Freebie's aid and, to her eternal credit, swings her head around to howl, "And what the hell were you thinking?" at Todd. Paula waves Ramona off and threatens to sue Freebie for something or other, noting that "'Ask Freebie' has deep pockets." "I'd rather be rich than a bitch!" Freebie snarls. Paula instantly flares white and morphs down into a yippy Airedale, which barks and bolts for the exit to the general consternation of the rabble in the ballroom. Ramona wigs. Freebie thinks "that was so cool" and so spins around to address her fellow alumni thusly:
The past is the future,
And the future is the past:
Let's welcome back
The senior class!
She flings her arms in the air, and a shockwave of glowy golden mojo erupts from her body to shudder through the room. For some reason, this changes the music on the DJ's turntable. For some equally annoying reason, it also instantly transforms her former classmates into a mosh-pitting scrum. Teen Todd grabs Freebie's arm to pull her from the dance floor as we head into the commercial break wondering when the hell the WB is going to cancel this stupid fucking show.
Reunion. Mayhem. Some guy has his head up some chick's skirt while she swings from a chandelier. No, I am not kidding with that. Freebie and Todd are playing tonsil hockey while crouched beneath a table. Meanwhile, Ramona's grinding the DJ. Raige orbs in discreetly off to the side, takes one look at the stupidity surrounding her, and phones Piper at the Manor. Piper, by the way, is scarfing down a pint of Cherry Garcia, and the fact that this is by far the most exciting detail of the scene should tell you a lot about bad this episode really is. Raige describes the current situation to Piper as Freebie spots her younger sister from her hiding place beneath the table, and I have no idea why Freebie with her seventeen-year-old mind would ever know who the hell Raige is, but this show is ass, so whatever. Freebie beats a hasty retreat from the reunion hall with Teen Todd in tow. Ramona stops dry-humping the DJ to follow them outside. Raige attempts to chase after them, but gets caught up in all of the idiocy on the dance floor. The nauseated overaged Goth chick from earlier is, incidentally, grooving in a manner I haven't seen since Siouxsie And The Banshee's "Cities In Dust" was getting heavy airplay back in the mid-'80s. Hee.
Outside, Freebie, Todd, and Ramona skitter down the sidewalk as about five squad cars pull up to the front of the hotel. The cops jog in to break up the riot. Todd decides to "borrow" one of the squad cars, so the three morons hop into the nearest and peel off. Raige emerges onto the sidewalk in time to eat their exhaust. Scene.
Meanwhile, over in a purportedly tony dining establishment, my very pretty and disappointingly dim husband has no idea what mutton is. Sigh. Chris. Your mother's a chef. Why don't you know what mutton is? Hmm? Is it because this show is ass, and should I simply say, "Whatever"? It is, and I should? All-righty, then. The waiter is "French" and therefore snotty. Daddy Dearest instructs the snotty "French" waiter to bring them a couple of steaks. Once the waiter has disappeared, Victor apologizes to Big Gay Chris, explaining that he thought Chris might have liked a fancy meal. "Trying to live up to my rep," he shrugs with a game smile. "With cigars and mutton?" Chris snorts. "Sorry, Grandpa, that's not how you did it." "Did I take you to batting cages?" Victor asks. Big Chris shakes his shaggy head, for he is as crappy at athletic endeavors as I. "Strip clubs?" Victor guesses. "GOD, no!" Chris squeals, for the girls -- they are so icky. Snerk. Chris finally admits, "You just...we talked." An awkward silence follows, after which Chris, clearly uncomfortable with this forced amity, attempts to bail due to that demon situation he's working on. Daddy Dearest insists that he stay, though, so he can find out why "[Piper's] such a terrible mother." Big Chris is shocked. "No, no -- she's great," he insists. "Then why are you treating her like she doesn't exist?" Victor wonders. Big Gay Chris takes a few seconds to respond, which is a few seconds too long, because we all saw "Chris-Crossed" and already know what the answer is. "Because she doesn't exist in my future, okay?" Chris finally admits, getting all emotional and teary-eyed. Aw. "She dies when I turn fourteen," he adds before shaking his head and glumming, "I've already said too much. The point is? After I save [the littlest Psycho], I have to go back to where she isn't. I can't get close to her because I don't want to lose her again." Oh, my pretty and dim husband is crying! Sniff. Victor, desperate to add something worthwhile to this conversation, suggests, "Maybe that's all the more reason to get close to her." Chris just slumps back in his chair and chokes back tears.
Somewhere...else, squad cars shriek through an abandoned industrial area while Todd, Ramona, and Freebie hide out in a nearby warehouse. At least, I think it's a warehouse. Then again, I don't really care, because this show is ass, so whatever. They bang their hormonal heads together and decide to go visit Rick Gittridge in the county jail. Yawn.
The Non-Existent Attic. Raige is scrying for Phoebe, but can't get a lock on her location because she keeps moving. Piper, meanwhile, is reading up on Scabbar Demons, and frets that she shouldn't have allowed her big gay son to accompany her father to a restaurant. At that moment, Big Gay Chris orbs in with Daddy Dearest, who, never having orbed before, looks like he's about to boot. Victor sinks slowly into a chair as Chris assures him that he'll grow to like orbing in the future. Piper, with motherly concern, hauls her bloated ass out of her seat to admit she thought something might have happened to the guys while they were away from the Manor. Chris lies and vows that their dinner was uneventful, though they did have time for a nice chat. Raige launches into a quick processing summit regarding the Feebs, during which we learn that Raige somehow managed to reverse whatever mojo Freebie inflicted upon her graduating class, so the exposure threat is greatly diminished despite the fact that she's still out there somewhere under the influence "of adolescence." Piper suddenly staggers a bit, and Victor jumps up to offer her his arm. "Are you okay?" Chris worries. "Yeah," Piper insists. "I'm just a little light-headed." "Sorry," Chris winces. Piper wrinkles her nose. "You know," he says, eyeing her distended belly. "About me." Piper blinks. "Must have been a hell of a talk there," she smirks in Victor's direction. "Yeah," her father admits, before escorting Piper downstairs to lie down.
Angsty Chris watches them go, then mutters something about Phoebe. Raige's scrying crystal chooses that moment to slam down on a set of map coordinates, just as two Scabbar Demons materialize in the middle of the room. Chris immediately orbs out, thereby avoiding the streams of green acid the demons shoot from their mouths. The acid passes harmlessly enough through his orb cloud, but destroys a glass-enclosed bookcase on the far side of the room. Raige scoops the Book of Shadows off her scrying table and dives for cover as Chris orbs back in behind her. With a bit of her orbing telekinesis, Raige hurls a jagged shard of glass from the ruined bookcase into one demon's chest. The demon's acidic guts, however, simply dissolve the thing. The demon sneers in Raige's direction and unleashes another stream of acid from his mouth, which lands on the scrying table to eat through both map and crystal as Raige and Chris scurry towards another hiding place. Piper hauls her massively pregnant self into the room to deploy her Hands Of Discontent, but the demon simply absorbs the blast of explosive mojo. The second demon disgorges a spray of acid in Piper's direction. Raige throws up her palm and screams, "Icky stuff!" The acid dissolves into a stream of orbs that fly back into the first demon's chest. He promptly burst into flame and howls and wails his merry way down to Hell. The remaining demon hastily withdraws from the non-existent room.
After a beat, Piper repeats, "'Icky stuff'?" "It worked, didn't it?" Raige sniffs, rising from the floor to accept the proffered Book from Chris while Daddy Dearest wiggles his eyebrows around in the doorway. Big Gay Chris crosses to Piper, once again apologizing for being the source of so much agita around the Manor lately. "It's okay," Piper replies, in a tone indicating that she's trying very hard to make this odd relationship work. "Kids are messy." "They'll be back," Chris warns. "And we'll handle it," Piper emphasizes. Meanwhile, Raige is mourning the loss of her scrying crystal. "Any idea how we're gonna find Phoebe now?" she asks. Chris sighs.
County Jail. A guard escorts the infamous and shackled Rick Gittridge into a conference room. Mr. Rick, who looks like a poor man's Ray Liotta, eyes the three "attorneys" awaiting his arrival and sneers, "You're not my lawyers." The balding, middle-aged "advocate" blathers something about being sent over by Mr. Rick's public defenders as the guard shoves Mr. Rick into a chair and leaves. The other two "attorneys" are a brunette in her early thirties and a blonde who looks like Laura Linney's kid sister. Needless to say, they are actually Todd, Freebie, and Ramona, as Mr. Rick discovers when Freebie reverses the glamour she cast on herself and her erstwhile friends. Mr. Rick leaps to his feet in shock and snatches up the metal chair he's just vacated, waving it around in front of his body defensively. Because the script says he must, the guard reenters the conference room and takes the metal chair in the face. Mr. Rick shuts and locks the door after the guard has crumpled unconscious to the floor. Todd blurts out an explanation regarding Phoebe's powers, Ramona whines something about a prank gone horribly wrong, Mr. Rick announces that Freebie's going to spring him from the clink, and Freebie allows Mr. Rick to drag her into the commercial break. God, this is dull.
Back at that warehouse-type place, a different guard enters with a shotgun, followed by Todd, Ramona, and Freebie, the last of whom languidly flicks her wrist in front of the guard's face, morphing him back into Mr. Rick. For some reason, Mr. Rick remains in the guard's uniform rather than switching back to his orange jumpsuit, but this show is ass, so whatever. And...not much else happens in this scene. No, seriously. Todd and Ramona pretty much overrule a suspicious Freebie by deciding to allow Mr. Rick to hang out with them for a while, and that's it. Yawn.
The Non-Existent Attic. Piper finishes arranging a protective circle of crystals on the windowsills, and orders Big Gay Chris to remain in the room until she and Raige have summoned Phoebe and vanquished the demons. Big Chris protests that she shouldn't be risking her life like that. "Nothing's going to happen to me," Piper argues, before adding after a beat, "Unless you know something that I don't." Daddy Dearest attempts to deflect this line of questioning by agreeing, "Nothing's going to happen to you, honey. Not now." Big Gay Chris is all, "Oh, great, Gramps. Go ahead and tell her she's going to drop dead before my twentieth birthday, why don't you?" Only he's very non-verbal about the whole thing. "Oh," Piper breathes. "So...when?" Turning to Chris, she asks, "Is that what you've been living with? Knowing that something happens to me?" Chris averts his eyes. "I see," Piper replies. "Well, does it happen soon?" "I can't tell you that," Chris pleads. "It could change the future in even worse ways." "Riiiight," Piper offers. "But isn't that why you came here in the first place -- to make the future better? How do you know you haven't already changed mine?" And if this show were not ass, this is where Chris would explain that he's been maintaining multiple sets of memories in his head that shift every time he does in fact change the future for the better, and that as his memory of Piper's death hasn't changed at all, he's pretty sure she still bites it in 2018. Unfortunately, this show sucks, so he doesn't, and whatever. Kill me, please. "Well," Piper begins, "whatever it is, it obviously doesn't happen until you're born, so...save it." Chris gifts her with a wistfully fond smile and surprises everyone present by mumbling, "I got it, Mom." Piper and Victor grin. Big Gay Chris looks like he's going to cry again. Awwwww!
Warehouse-Type Place. Boring! Mr. Rick wants to knock over an armored car. Ramona, Todd, and Freebie tell him to go to hell. Mr. Rick slams the butt of the rifle into Todd's head, sending Todd into an unconscious sprawl on the warehouse floor. For some stupid reason, this breaks the spell that turned Phoebe into Freebie, and she flares and morphs back into her adult self. Phoebe, spoiling for a fight, approaches Mr. Rick with, "I kill demons every day -- you think I'm scared of you?" Mr. Rick warns her to stop moving, cocking the rifle as he does so. At that moment, a swirling cloud of glowing golf balls swarms around the Feebs, and she dematerializes. Mr. Rick and Ramona look dumb.
Attic. Phoebe rematerializes at the center of a circle of candles. "You have to send me back!" she yodels. Piper reminds her that they need the Power of Three to vanquish the Scabbar Demons, and worries that Phoebe might revert to her teenaged self again. Phoebe, not having it, insists she'll be fine and finishes with, "Look, there's a crazy man with a shotgun. Now please send me back!" Raige, Chris, Daddy Dearest, and Piper are all, "Armed lunatic, gunning for you? Why didn't you say so in the first place?"
Warehouse-Type Place. In the twenty-seven seconds that Phoebe's been gone, Mr. Rick's managed to truss up Todd and hide Ramona somewhere complicated and veddy, veddy secret, because this show is ass, and also: Whatever. Long story short, Mr. Rick intends to hold Ramona hostage until after Phoebe's aided and abetted in that whole armored-car-robbery thing. And then they cut to another commercial. Wow. I'd be surprised if this entire episode clocked in at forty minutes without the commercials. Why'd they bother? Oh, that's right: Some skeevy jackhole in the WB executive suite promised Brad Kern a dozen teenaged hookers and a mountain of blow if he'd whip up something synergistic for this evening's High School Reunion: Round Rock premiere. I hate this stupid fucking show.
The morning, Phoebe eases the stolen police cruiser through an alleyway with Mr. Rick riding shotgun -- natch -- while issuing instructions regarding the impending Not-So-Great Not-So-Much-A-Train-As-It-Is-A-Brink's-Armored-Van Robbery. Phoebe attempts to talk Mr. Rick out of it, to no avail. If Mr. Rick surrenders and is subsequently convicted of that liquor store heist, it'll be his third felony. Under California law, that would result in a mandatory sentence of at least forty years, so there'll be no heading back to County for Mr. Rick this evening. Also, I think Phoebe realizes at some point that she really has changed since high school, but I wasn't really paying attention, because this subplot is boring and this show is ass. Eventually, the armored van pulls around a nearby corner, and Mr. Rick orders Phoebe to slide the cruiser out in front of it. As the two vehicles slowly motor down the street, Mr. Rick goes to great lengths to insure that we, the viewing audience, understand that Phoebe's also agreed to "give [him] a new face" after the robbery, or Ramona gets it. After some more driving and some more nattering, Mr. Rick lifts his foot and stomps on the squad car's brake, forcing the armored van into a collision. Mr. Rick shouts for Phoebe to make with the magic, so she wings the following spell:
Make them see what cannot be:
Flames that leap to make them flee.
The armored van's dashboard erupts, and the panicked guards abandon the cab. Unfortunately, the spell didn't work quite as it should have, and sleeve of the driver's jacket is on fire. Instead of, oh, say, racing to his side to smother the flames with a blanket from the police cruiser, Phoebe chats with Mr. Rick for about three hours regarding the unpredictability of hastily-composed spells as the guard screams and howls in agony on the street not five feet from where she's standing. Mr. Rick finally hustles past the driver to deal with the other guard while Phoebe retrieves a policeman's coat from the squad car, with which she beats out the driver's flaming arm. Mr. Rick knocks the crap out of the other guard with the butt of the shotgun, then makes to blow his brains out all over the asphalt, but Phoebe tackles him to the ground. They tussle for a bit until Mr. Rick points the shotgun in her face, threatening to kill her. Promises, promises, you bastard. Instead, Mr. Rick hops up into the van to retrieve the cash. Phoebe, thinking as quickly as her puny brain allows, ad-libs the following:
Make him hear what isn't there:
His deepest worries come to bear.
The high whine of police sirens immediately hits the soundtrack. Mr. Rick freaks and hustles Phoebe back to the purloined squad car as the shot dissolves over to the Manor's façade. Up in The Prue Halliwell Memorial Bimbo Boudoir Of Paisley Tit Slings And Other Fashion Atrocities, currently occupied by The Doltine Psycho, and if that's so, where the hell is Raige sleeping, but forget I asked, because this show is ass, so whatever, Piper gazes at the slumbering Psycho and sighs, "I wish I was asleep." Daddy Dearest counsels some shut-eye for his middle child, but Piper insists that she'll remain awake "until Phoebe's back, and Chris's demons are vanquished, and I accept the fact that apparently I die young." Such a martyr. And so passive-aggressive about it, too! Victor remains silent, leading Piper to realize, "You know, don't you? When it happens." Victor reminds her that the future might already have been changed, and adds, "I do know that Chris loves you." "Yeah?" Piper smiles softly. "Yeah," Victor confirms, smiling in kind. They share A Moment that's interrupted by a crashing sound from the floor below. Piper orders Victor to remain by the littlest Psycho's side, as he'll be protected from demonic hijinks by the force field, and heads for the hall. Raige scampers by, instructs Piper to remain where she is, and vanishes towards the stairs.
Down in the main hall, Mr. Rick's hurled Phoebe against the window seat in the foyer and is demanding she alter his appearance immediately. Raige wanders onto the scene, Mr. Rick levels the shotgun in her direction, and I'll tell you right now, for the four minutes, the only thing I was doing was chanting, "Orb the gun, Raige. Orb the gun, Raige. Orb the gun, Raige. ORB THE MOTHERFUCKING GUN, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT." So, needless to say, I missed quite a bit of the subsequent dialogue, but this show is ass, so whatever. Mr. Rick, having decided Phoebe is now his "leverage," reveals Ramona's location, then orders Raige to change his face. Phoebe stumbles across a cunning plan, if by "a cunning plan," one means "a hideous abuse of both Raige's power and her own that violates every established doctrine regarding the difference between human and demonic evil and how best to deal with each." In other words, Phoebe suggests that Raige turn Mr. Rick into Big Gay Chris. Get it? So the Scabbard Demons will materialize and destroy him with their sprays of green acid? Yeah. Fuck this show. Raige, for some stupid reason of her own, obliges by improvising the following couplet:
Who you were, you're now another:
Take the face of [the Psycho's] brother.
Mr. Rick morphs into Big Gay Chris, and poor Drew Fuller. He simply cannot play the menacing heterosexual convict type very convincingly. As in, he can't play the menacing heterosexual convict type at all. It doesn't help that Mr. Big Gay Chrick still has Chris's voice, either. It would have made far more sense for Rod Rowland to overdub the two lines Mr. Big Gay Chrick gets before the Scabbard demons waste him, but this show is ass, so whatever. Raige and Phoebe promptly hole themselves up in separate Manor nooks to avoid the messy murder that follows. Three Scabbards materialize in the parlor and hose Mr. Big Gay Chrick down with multiple streams of acid. Mr. Big Gay Chrick screams and dissolves into a flailing tower of black goo that presently sinks to the floor and vanishes. After the demons dematerialize, Phoebe and Raige emerge from their hiding places to survey the carnage. "You okay?" Raige breathes. "Yeah," Phoebe mutters. "You know you had to, right?" Raige offers. Phoebe nods as I call bullshit, because they didn't have to, because Raige could have ORBED THE MOTHERFUCKING SHOTGUN AWAY FROM HIM, but this show is ass, so whatever. WHATEVER!
Later that day, Phoebe's perched on her bed, leafing through her yearbook. Raige enters, and we learn that neither Todd nor Ramona remembers anything, which is terribly convenient for everyone involved. Raige then announces she appreciated the opportunity to see "the chinks in [Phoebe's] armor," as Phoebe's a tough act to follow in the family, or something stupid like that. Phoebe feigns embarrassment over the compliment. Cram it, you fucking hag.
Downstairs, Piper escorts her father towards the door with a promise that the time she invites him to the Manor, she'll try to "keep the demonic drama to a minimum," and considering the demonic drama he himself dragged into the Manor last year, that's rather kind of her. "Now you know why I don't come around that often," he jokes, hugging her. He steps back a bit to tell her, "You've got a great kid growing inside of you. I look forward to really getting to know him someday." "Yeah," Piper grins before too casually adding, "I still can't believe you like orbing in the future. Do I live to see that?" "Nice try," Victor smirks. "Don't worry so much about the future," he counsels her. "Spend time with him while you can. Talk to him." "Every moment counts, right?" Piper replies with a sad little smile. "Something like that," Victor shrugs. Just before he exits, he stops and rather pointedly urges her to "be careful." Piper solemnly nods her head, then shuts the door after him. She pauses to collect herself, then turns to enter the parlor.
And in an absolutely shameless bit of audience manipulation, we end this evening with Piper watching as Big Gay Chris plays on the floor of the sun-dappled sun porch with the littlest Psycho. Awwwwwww! As her two boys hunt for a race car amongst the toys scattered around them on the linoleum, Piper starts when she feels Fetal Gay Chris kick. She places a couple of protective hands over her stomach and smiles as we fade to black. Sniff.