P3. Raige ambles over to Phoebe and Piper at the bar, apologizing for getting "tied up." "Where," Piper smirks, "at [Castle Montanague]?" "Get your mind out of the gutter," Raige chides. "Hey," Phoebe snorts, "you're the one who orbs home to find lingerie." "Two times!" Raige protests. "I did that two times." "It's the only time we ever get to see you," Piper remarks. Raige admits that she has been slamming the slampiece quite often lately, leading Piper to remind her that dark demonic forces tend to take advantage of them when they're separated. "I just really don't want to think of us living together in fifty years," Raige whines. "Nah," Piper smiles. "Twenty, thirty years tops." If your psychotic son has anything to do with it, you'll all be toast the first time you yell at him for breaking curfew, honey, so you might want to revise that answer downwards a bit. Phoebe butts in to propose the establishment of an Asian branch of the Manor in Hong Kong so she'd be able to see Chronic more often. Because Phoebe is a selfish hag. Piper rolls her eyes and snarks, "How do you say 'dream on' in Chinese?" Phoebe instantly babbles an answer that sounds like "Nietzsche Chow, man." Ah, yes. Nietzsche Chow, for the existentialist, Beat-poet puppy in your life -- from Purina! Oh, shut up. This is the tenth Charmed recap in a row for yours truly, and I just found out the sadists at the WB have scheduled the eleventh episode for December 14th. The bastards are trying to kill me and I'll be missing the second part of Angels in America for this shit. Also, please don't get snotty by reminding me that Aaron frequently churns out thirteen brilliant recaps in a row for his shows, because I'll simply remind you that Aaron's shows are Milano-free. If he had to put up with The Continuing Adventures Of Chronic And Cooter every week for three months in a row, he'd be driving nails into his forehead with a sneaker, too.
Ahem. Innyway. Piper cocks a brow and allows a sardonic "impressive" at Phoebe's masterful command of the Chinese language. Phoebe giggles and changes the topic, wondering how Piper's been faring on the romance front as of late. "You and Greg?" she prompts, elbowing her reticent sister. "Put out any fires lately?" "Wait a minute," Raige eyebrows, "you're going out with a fireman?" "Proof positive you haven't been around much," Piper shoots back. Phoebe exposits for the benefit of Raige and the audience that Piper and this Greg person have been seeing each other for three weeks already, and Piper has yet to slide down his pole. Or something like that. My version's dirtier than hers, and when's the last time that happened? Piper claims she's a more than a bit hesitant to hop into the sack with a new guy after "sleeping with an angel for three years," and pardon me while I take a moment to shut my laptop so I can whack it against my head over and over again in an attempt to beat that horrific image out of my brain. Ah. It's gone. Good. Phoebe then references Piper's unfortunate habit of "freezing [the Dolt] during all the good parts," and leers that Piper should do the same with her fireman. Shut up, you disgusting pig. "I'm not freezing Greg," Piper states flatly. "I'm so nervous, I'd probably blow him up." Raige and Phoebe titter at this, because they're eleven years old. "Gutter!" Piper howls.
“ LesBianca's presently revealed to be Big Gay Chris's 'fiance' from the future, like, nice try, guys, but forcing a saucy Latina beard on Big Gay Chris isn't going to change any minds regarding his true orientation. ”
As Piper's sisters snicker wickedly, her younger son lopes over with, "What are you guys talking about?" "Stuff," Phoebe lies, and trust me, doll: If there's one topic Big Gay Chris is entirely comfortable discussing, it's blowjobs. Ooops. Did I just say that out loud? The gals invite Big Chris to join them for cocktails, but he declines, citing the prep work he has yet to finish for the vanquish. "I didn't come here to relax," he reminds them, and with that, he heads back towards the club's office. "That is one bitchy Whitelighter," Phoebe mugs, like, you're one to talk, trash. By the way, some of you might be interested to learn that the scripted version of that observation was "lonely Whitelighter." Why the change? Duh. You have been watching the show this season, right? In any event, Raige suggests Piper have a word with "the guilt machine," so my mother-in-law rolls her eyes and slides off her barstool to trail after my husband.
Back in the office, Big Gay Chris opens the door and flicks on the lights to find the lovely and talented (and seemingly ubiquitous -- she was also prominently featured in an episode of Nip/Tuck) Marisol Nichols waiting for him with a Cheshire grin on her face. Shocked, he eases the door shut behind him while breathing, "Bianca." The Trademark Without Pity goes to Deerstalker for rechristening her "LesBianca," and yes, the name fits -- partly because poor Ms. Nichols has been squeezed into a black, sleeveless PVC top with matching pants that would increase tenfold the street cred of any dyke on her bike, but also because LesBianca's presently revealed to be Big Gay Chris's "fiance" from the future, like, nice try, guys, but forcing a saucy Latina beard on Big Gay Chris isn't going to change any minds regarding his true orientation. Especially not mine. "What are you doing here?" Big Chris whispers as LesBianca rises to place a finger on his pouty lips. "There'll be time to explain later," she coos, dragging that finger down his chest. LesBianca, incidentally, sports a red, inverted wishbone tattoo on her inner wrist. She gazes at him with moist eyes for a moment before punching her fist through his shirt and into his chest, and you'll have to look elsewhere for the fisting joke that would appear here were I really as depraved as everyone seems to think I am. The hole gouged by LesBianca's fist glows an eye-searing white as Big Chris gasps and slowly falls to his knees. Piper glides in at this point, singing, "All work and nohey!" Heh. LesBianca rips her hand out of Big Chris's chest to conjure a Flaming Ball Of Death as Piper deploys her Hands Of Discontent. LesBianca explodes into a spray of shards that quickly vanishes, leaving behind nothing more than a wraithlike twist of smoke that disappears up through the ceiling. Big Chris drops the rest of the way to the floor, grimacing in pain. "Are you okay?" Piper asks, crossing to help him up. "Who was she?" As Big Chris rises to his feet, he looks Piper straight in the eye and lies, "I don't know."
“ Big Chris for his part again vows he's fine as he paces off the carpet and onto this evening's Conveniently Squeaky Floorboard Of Massive Contrivance. ”
Out in the alleyway behind the bar, the wraithlike twist of smoke swirls in above the asphalt, picking up speed as it draws in the various LesBianca shards remaining from the supposed vanquish. LesBianca herself presently reforms from the feet up and flips her hair around to toss a sullen glare at the building before stalking off a few paces and squiggling her way into the opening credits.
Attic. Raige flips to the inky representation of some goateed demonic force in the Book of Shadows, and asks Piper if the guy's tattoo resembles the one she spotted on LesBianca's arm. "No," Piper replies as she crosses to curl up on the divan to Phoebe. "It looked more like a bird." Raige pffts, "So you're saying maybe the Audubon Society sent the demon after us?" "Just keep looking," Piper wearily replies. Big Gay Chris, rather shiftily pacing on the carpet, insists he's fine. From his perch on a nearby table, the Dolt muses that LesBianca might actually be a Darklighter. Phoebe dimly blurts that nothing else would be after a Whitelighter like her nephew, and Big Chris for his part again vows he's fine as he paces off the carpet and onto this evening's Conveniently Squeaky Floorboard Of Massive Contrivance. The Dolt suspiciously asks his younger son how LesBianca got close enough to ram her fist through his breastbone if he honestly had never met her before. Avoiding the issue, Big Chris points to The Conveniently Squeaky Floorboard Of Massive Contrivance and suggests, "You really ought to fix that, you know?" "C'mon," the Dolt squints, "who's after you?" "Maybe she was after them," Big Chris evasively snots, hiking a thumb at the Glamorous Ladies. "Kinda makes sense," Raige shrugs. "Finally!" Big Chris shouts, gesturing widely with his arms in his aunt's general direction. "Somebody's listening to me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some work to take care of."
He spins on his heel and exits as the Dolt shoots A Look at the others. He believes Big Chris is lying, but Raige opines he hasn't any reason to do so. The Dolt asks Phoebe if her Fucking Backup Band picked anything up, but Phoebe admits she "could never sense anything" from Big Chris. There's a contemplative pause, after which Piper asks her ex-husband what he's thinking. "If we can figure out who she is," he replies, referring to LesBianca, "we might be able to figure out who Chris is." Raige slams the Book shut and bails, claiming that they'll never figure anything out until they have more to go on, and reminds them they'll know where to find her if they need her. Phoebe rises from the sofa to leave as well. "You're just going to let them go?" the Dolt splutters, crossing to Piper. "What do you want me to say?" she replies. "They have lives, too. Besides, what more can we do?" The Dolt gestures to the Book and blithers about research as the doorbell rings. He orbs off to answer it, instructing Piper to remain in the attic to work on the LesBianca issue. Piper realizes who might be at the door, and bolts from the divan to race down the stairs.
“ The Dolt gives her one look and mutters, 'When I said I needed you, I meant a fully-clothed you.' Wait, so the peach-colored shift she's wearing is supposed to be an undergarment? Because God knows we've seen her 'fully-clothed' in far less. ”
Anyway, Big Gay Chris proposes to LesBianca in what he calls "our spot." I'll not be holding this against him, because he of course has yet to meet me in the timeline presented in these scenes. LesBianca agrees to marry him on one condition -- that Big Chris returns safely from the past. They mack, only to be interrupted by a chittering, airborne video camera. No, seriously. It's this minicam with, like, wings or something, and it shoots out an array of lights that flicker across LesBianca's face. Big Gay Chris tosses a hand around, telekinetically smashing the thing against a shattered statue on the far side of the garden. "Are you okay?" he asks. "Yeah," she replies. "I don't think it had time to transmit." "I can't believe he's sending probes after us now," Big Chris snits, rising to his feet. "I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch." He's so cute when he's trying to be butch. "No!" LesBianca cries, rising to latch onto his arms. "You need to stick to the plan," she insists. "You have to go back -- it's the only way to stop him. It's the only way to change all of this." She sadly kisses his hand, and he leans in to rub his forehead against hers before the scene cross-fades back to
teary Gay Chris in the present. His eyes dart from the ring to his own reflection before he closes them and sobs.
Castle Montanague, the following morning. Slampiece Buttfuck totes a breakfast tray with a rather prominent glass of champagne -- like, way to support the girlfriend with the self-professed alcohol issue, you wonkily-eyebrowed dipshit -- into the master bedroom, and gently places the whole thing to a delighted Raige, who's reclining on the canopied bed. They get schmoopy and mack before Raige pulls away to warn, "You better be careful, 'cause a girl could get used to this." "That's the plan," Buttfuck smirks. Raige demurely averts her eyes and giggles. "Did you tell your sisters you're moving out?" he asks. Raige hems and haws and eventually admits she hasn't, claiming that "things have been a little funky" lately. "There's never a good time," he leads. "You don't understand," she counters. "Piper would probably blow a major gasket, and then there are the family obligations, and like it or not, we're stronger together." "You gotta do something for you," Buttfuck argues. Raige blinks. Then, her cell phone rings. "It's the house," she sighs, glancing at the caller ID before answering.
thing we know, Raige is orbing onto the sun porch to find the Dolt sitting at the table with The Doltine Psycho perched on one of his knees and the Book of Shadows lying open in front of him. The Dolt gives her one look and mutters, "When I said I needed you, I meant a fully-clothed you." Wait, so the peach-colored shift she's wearing is supposed to be an undergarment? Because God knows we've seen her "fully-clothed" in far less. Whatever. "What's the big emergency?" Raige grumbles as the camera tracks in towards the Dolt. "What would you say if I told you the creature who attacked Chris was called a Phoenix?" he asks. Raige rolls her eyes. "I'd say, 'What's a Phoenix?' and then you'd probably tell me." Taking the hint, he slides the Book over to her to indicate the Phoenix entry. It contains a representation of LesBianca's tattoo, and reads as follows:
Descended from the Witch Trials with vengeance in their hearts the Phoenix are a family of assassin witches who are very elite and very powerful and who are born with the distinctive birthmark of the Phoenix symbolizing their rise from Salem's ashes. They have no allegiances other than to their own vengeance and they will seek out and kill any bounty they're hired to hunt down.
“ Well, too bad. You'll just have to deal, because who's writing this recap, anyway? Also, you're banned. ”
Raige steps forward, but LesBianca warns her off with, "I can kill her in half the time it takes you to even think about it." "We still have enough potion to vanquish you," Raige retorts. "Maybe," LesBianca smirks, "but then you'll really have to hope the Power of Two will do, won't you?" Raige gapes. "You'd be surprised what's in the history books," LesBianca notes, shooting Raige a disdainful side-eye. Okay, this recap is already longer than War and Fucking Peace, but I'd be remiss if I didn't address this apparent continuity error. If Raige died the day Boobarella attacked the Manor, how is her "Power of Two" quote part of the historical record? Answer: Big Gay Chris altered his original timeline the moment he orbed into the attic that day in May. LesBianca is therefore not the woman he left behind in this evening's flash-forward scenes, but rather a product of the altered timeline in which Raige survived to endure the various gross humiliations the current season has seen fit to visit upon her. What's that? You don't like that explanation? You in fact think I'm so desperate to make some sense -- any sense -- out of the crap plotline they've dumped in our laps tonight that I'll concoct any bullshit justification just to get through the evening without frantically clawing my brain out through my ear? Well, too bad. You'll just have to deal, because who's writing this recap, anyway? Also, you're banned.
Let's see, where was I? Oh, yeah: LesBianca orders them to place the remaining vanquishing vials on the floor. Big Chris shouts that if LesBianca promises to leave his mother alone, he'll willingly enter the portal. He also babbles something about not having a future to return to, should LesBianca kill Piper now. "What are you talking about?" Phoebe exasperates. "You'll see if you live long enough," LesBianca spits before slowly withdrawing the dagger from Piper's neck. She takes Big Chris by the hand and leads him towards the chalk triquatra. Piper tries to freeze the two, but the freeze doesn't take. "Um, okay," Piper splutters, "I get why she didn't freeze, but why didn't he freeze?" "Uhn-un-unless he's a-a-a," Phoebe stutters. "A witch, too?" Big Chris casually finishes before finally admitting that he's "part witch, part Whitelighter," just like Raige. Piper squints, Phoebe gapes, and Raige makes this tremendous and hysterical stink-face like she's suddenly found herself floating in one of those industrial ponds of pig shit. "You lied to us!" Raige howls. Big Chris claims he had to in order to gain their trust. Phoebe shrills something before Piper jumps all over him with, "You're just gonna leave?" "I don't have a choice," he shrugs, noting that LesBianca's completely fisted him of his powers. Piper dejectedly averts her eyes as Big Chris rather too-obviously adds, "Looks like [the Dolt's] gonna have to fix that floorboard without me." Piper lifts her eyes to search his for the meaning of that, but Chris just rolls his shoulders around again and, turning to LesBianca, says, "Let's go." She gestures with her left hand to open the portal, and the two pass through, with Big Chris gazing longingly at the family he's leaving behind.
“ Mangy Jesus orders the henchdemons to leave them alone. The henchdemons obediently squiggle out in groups of three, the better to save on the effects budget. 'Et tu, Chris?' Mangy Jesus menaces, only He mispronounces it as 'ay-two,' so Mangy Jesus can now shut the fuck up. ”
LesBianca and Big Gay Chris emerge through the attic triquatra in the future to find themselves surrounded by a horde of "His" demonic henchmen. From the darkened depths of the attic, a male voice calls, "Welcome home, Chris." The henchdemons part to reveal the backlit form of a muscle-bound lunkhead who's sporting a long, straggly mane of hair that's desperately in need of a hot oil treatment. Mangy Jesus emerges from the shadows of the attic to glower. Chris coldly meets the glowering with a bit of his own before icily intoning, "Hello, Wyatt." DUN! Well, sort of. I mean, who didn't see that one coming? Also: Both of you boys need to cut your damn hair already. What's with that shit on your heads? And then Mangy Jesus stretched his arm into the oncoming void and said, "Let there be commercials," and there were commercials. And lo, Mangy Jesus did gaze upon the commercials and say, "For fuck's sake, would you hurry up and finish this Me-forsaken recap already? Some of Us have better things to do with Our time than sit here and plow through your tedious, incessant, senseless rambling, loser."
Present-day Manor attic. Aftermath. Phoebe flips fruitlessly through the Book for a spell that will take them into the future. "How did we do it five years ago?" Piper asks the ex. He reminds her that the ever-useless Elders were responsible for that particular jaunt across time. Wrong! Stupid Dolt. While the spells involved erased themselves after one use, the then-extant Glamorous Ladies were responsible for the trip to the future. Piper, not listening to me, instructs the now-Eldered Dolt to "make it happen." He can't, hon. See above. The Dolt wishes he could do more to help Big Gay Chris, but he just can't. "You're singing a different tune," Raige notes, only now realizing the Dolt's abandoned his Destroy Big Gay Chris At All Costs shtick from earlier in the season. "Despite all his secrets," the Dolt explains, "I still believe that he came back to protect [The Doltine Psycho], and that is enough for me to want to save him." "The question," Piper sighs, "is how." Rather fortuitously, the Dolt chooses this moment to bumble across The Conveniently Squeaky Floorboard Of Massive Contrivance. Piper leaps to her feet to stare at the thing. The ladies bang their heads together and realize LesBianca must have transported Big Chris to the future attic, and his odd statement in Carol's apartment was really a sneaky signal for them to blah blah we get it. Just scribble down a goddamned spell and shove it into the floor already.
Future attic. Mangy Jesus strides across The Conveniently Squeaky Floorboard Of Massive Contrivance to tower above not-so-Big Chris and the I'm-just-noticing-this-now tiny LesBianca. I have to admit that despite the hair, Mangy Jesus is kind of hot. Don't tell Chris I've got a jones for his brother, though. I'll never hear the end of it. Mangy Jesus orders the henchdemons to leave them alone. The henchdemons obediently squiggle out in groups of three, the better to save on the effects budget. "Et tu, Chris?" Mangy Jesus menaces, only He mispronounces it as "ay-two," so Mangy Jesus can now shut the fuck up. Big Chris insists he didn't travel backwards in time to betray Mangy Jesus, but rather to save Him "from whatever evil it was that turned" Him in the first place. "That's always been your problem," Mangy Jesus condescends as he stalks away from them across the room. "Stuck in the old good-versus-evil morass." "I'm so past that," He adds with a shake of his head. "It's all about power," He exposits. "That's why I keep this 'museum' intact -- to remind everyone the power from which I was born and that which I possess." "Too bad the rest of the city isn't faring as well as your little shrine here," Big Ballsy Chris snorts, advancing on him. "If anyone else tried what you tried," Mangy Jesus threatens, "I'd kill them on the spot. But you?" Mangy Jesus pauses for effect before magnanimously continuing, "I've forgiven Bianca, and I can forgive you too -- if you promise never to cross me again." Big Chris challenges him, so Mangy Jesus hoists a hand into the air and draws his fingers into claws. Big Chris clutches at his throat, gasping for air. He slowly drops to his knees, and once he reaches the floor, Mangy Jesus telekinetically bitch-slaps him across the room into a low cupboard.