Soul Survivor

Whatever. It's time for Rose to earn her paycheck as Raige glumly drags in through the back door and silently passes through the kitchen on her way upstairs. Instantly detecting their sister's foul mood, Phoebe and Piper chase after her, stopping her by the stairs. Raige fills them in on Dead Larry's untimely demise. Piper and Phoebe make sad faces before attempting to console her with the argument that sometimes, innocents die, and there's nothing the Glamorous Ladies can do about it. Raige isn't having it, however, and angrily marches upstairs to wash up, or something. I mean, she has been up all night after putting in rather a hellish day at the job, so I'm certain a shower's in order, you know? Piper and Phoebe exchange Looks Fraught With Concern and sigh.

And look! It's time for Pointless Subplot Number Three! The Dolt strides through a cluttered alleyway and presses his palms against a wall. As his hand passes through the brick surface, the portal he's found flashes white and violently disgorges his rather fetching big gay son, who knocks the Dolt backwards onto the asphalt. The boys hiss and scratch at each other for a bit as they scramble to their feet before the Dolt demands, "What's that?" while nodding his head towards the wall. "Nothing," Big Chris shrugs casually. The Dolt grabs his son's arm and forces Big Chris's head into the portal. After a bit of a struggle, Big Chris pops back out with a medieval helmet obscuring his face. Long story short, Big Chris has opened the portal for reasons he'd like to keep to himself, so the idiot Dolt stupidly latches onto his son and propels both Big Chris and himself through the shimmering doorway. Even though said doorway obviously contains more than a few tricks for which the boys are woefully unprepared. In other words: The Dolt's a fuckwit. Though even this realization does nothing to counter the numbing boredom brought about by this evening's proceedings, because we already knew that. Jesus.

When the two fly out the portal's other side, they find themselves tumbling head over heels down the sharply sloped face of that massive rock formation in The Scoping Fjords Of Sandy Land, and it's long past time to retire Vasquez Rocks as a viable location for Hollywood film shoots. This is the third time I myself have recapped events happening on or around this stupid rock, and I'm sick of it. In any event, Big Gay Chris and the Dolt eventually roll to a dusty halt somewhere near the bottom and presently rise to their feet, wondering where the hell they are. Big Chris rants about not being able to control the portal thingy until a throaty off-screen roar drowns out his words. Big Chris and the Dolt take one look at the thing that's looming behind them and scamper back up the rock. The shot cuts to reveal a cheap-looking computer-generated Tyrannosaurus picking its way across the blasted landscape. Christ, this is dumb.