Soul Survivor

We fade up on the interior of a richly-appointed executive suite. At the desk, Raige and her temporary boss of the week huddle over a stack of papers, with Raige indicating where on the various documents the boss man should affix his signature. Even though it's obviously late in the evening -- and we do shortly learn that it's actually three minutes to midnight -- Raige is her typically perky self, and I'm sorry, but there's no way in hell she'd be so damn chipper after pulling a fifteen-hour day at the office. God knows I never am. By contrast, the thirtysomething boss man seems more than a little tense and anxious as he ensures that "the Smith case," "the amendments to [his] living trust," and his "very generous" "donation to The Children's Foundation" have all been settled. Once he's confirmed they've attended to every item on his agenda, he offers Raige his heartfelt thanks for her work that week, and slides an envelope out of his desk for her. The implication is that it's stuffed with bonus cash, and Raige hesitates before the boss man insists that she take it. "I know a good soul when I see one," he notes with a rueful smile. The boss man then nervously eyes the clock on his desk and urges her to leave immediately. "I'm sure your family would never forgive me if I kept you here after midnight," he explains. Raige smiles that she'll see him in the morning, and exits. "I wouldn't count on it," he mumbles to himself after she's closed the door.

Over by the elevators, Raige opens the envelope to find three hundred-dollar bills. She gapes, squints, and turns to head back into the office. Can you feel the excitement yet? Yeah. Didn't think so.

And you won't be feeling any here, either. Just as the digital desk clock flips up to midnight, a dark demonic force or two flame into the boss man's office. As Raige steps through the door, the boss man screams, "Behind you!" The demon behind Raige conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death, but Raige grabs his arm and slams him face-first into the wall. The unreleased FBOD makes contact with the demon's chest, and he explodes into a spray of sparks and fire. The remaining demon conjures another FBOD and hurls it at the boss man, who flips backwards over a chair from the impact, howling in agony. "Larry?" Raige breathes as she approaches her boss's lifeless form on the carpet. "Forget it, witch," the remaining demon sneers. "You lost him." The demon flares up and disappears through the floor. Dead Larry glows white, and his soul or spirit or whatever the fuck it is groans before following the demon down to Hell. Raige, stunned, places her hands on Dead Larry's corpse as we drop into the opening credits.

Opening Travelogue, avec Testicle and jittery cable cars. There's also a terrific time-lapse shot of the sunlight gradually illuminating the fog that envelops the Golden Gate Bridge, with super-speed morning traffic whizzing across the span. Over at the Manor, Phoebe bubbles into the kitchen to greet Piper and Tiny Gay Chris with an ebullient "Good morning!" before the two ladies establish Pointless Subplots Numbers One and Two for the evening. Pointless Subplot Number One involves Piper dating again. Pointless Subplot Number Two involves Elise Rothman, Girl Editor stealing the Limbaughian Spencer Ricks away from All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me's competition to work with Phoebe. Piper's lined up three dates in a row, and intends to introduce the gentlemen to Tiny Chris immediately to gauge their reaction to her child. Phoebe's lined up several bottles of the potion she used on Ricks last season, in case he gets mouthy. And that's pretty much all you need to know. Quite honestly, given how little everyone has to do tonight, the producers could have granted the entire cast with the exception of Rose McGowan a vacation this week, and the episode wouldn't have suffered one bit from their collective absence.

Whatever. It's time for Rose to earn her paycheck as Raige glumly drags in through the back door and silently passes through the kitchen on her way upstairs. Instantly detecting their sister's foul mood, Phoebe and Piper chase after her, stopping her by the stairs. Raige fills them in on Dead Larry's untimely demise. Piper and Phoebe make sad faces before attempting to console her with the argument that sometimes, innocents die, and there's nothing the Glamorous Ladies can do about it. Raige isn't having it, however, and angrily marches upstairs to wash up, or something. I mean, she has been up all night after putting in rather a hellish day at the job, so I'm certain a shower's in order, you know? Piper and Phoebe exchange Looks Fraught With Concern and sigh.

And look! It's time for Pointless Subplot Number Three! The Dolt strides through a cluttered alleyway and presses his palms against a wall. As his hand passes through the brick surface, the portal he's found flashes white and violently disgorges his rather fetching big gay son, who knocks the Dolt backwards onto the asphalt. The boys hiss and scratch at each other for a bit as they scramble to their feet before the Dolt demands, "What's that?" while nodding his head towards the wall. "Nothing," Big Chris shrugs casually. The Dolt grabs his son's arm and forces Big Chris's head into the portal. After a bit of a struggle, Big Chris pops back out with a medieval helmet obscuring his face. Long story short, Big Chris has opened the portal for reasons he'd like to keep to himself, so the idiot Dolt stupidly latches onto his son and propels both Big Chris and himself through the shimmering doorway. Even though said doorway obviously contains more than a few tricks for which the boys are woefully unprepared. In other words: The Dolt's a fuckwit. Though even this realization does nothing to counter the numbing boredom brought about by this evening's proceedings, because we already knew that. Jesus.

When the two fly out the portal's other side, they find themselves tumbling head over heels down the sharply sloped face of that massive rock formation in The Scoping Fjords Of Sandy Land, and it's long past time to retire Vasquez Rocks as a viable location for Hollywood film shoots. This is the third time I myself have recapped events happening on or around this stupid rock, and I'm sick of it. In any event, Big Gay Chris and the Dolt eventually roll to a dusty halt somewhere near the bottom and presently rise to their feet, wondering where the hell they are. Big Chris rants about not being able to control the portal thingy until a throaty off-screen roar drowns out his words. Big Chris and the Dolt take one look at the thing that's looming behind them and scamper back up the rock. The shot cuts to reveal a cheap-looking computer-generated Tyrannosaurus picking its way across the blasted landscape. Christ, this is dumb.

Back in San Francisco, Raige offers her condolences to Dead Larry's grieving widow. Said offering also involves Raige pumping The Widow Larry for information on her late husband's business practices, which I find rather rude. Rather than booting the impudent hag from her late husband's office, The Widow Larry confides that Dead Larry's knack for business was downright otherworldly. In fact, The Widow Larry on more than one occasion wondered if her husband weren't "clairvoyant." And the really odd thing, she further notes, is that up until a few years ago, Dead Larry was a miserable failure. Then, "all of a sudden, it was like he won the lottery." "Suddenly, he couldn't lose," she elaborates. "Every deal he made was golden." Success, however, did not bring Dead Larry happiness, for some reason that remains unfathomable to The Widow. One of Dead Larry's colleagues interrupts the backstory to announce that Dead Larry's brother is on the phone. The Widow Larry excuses herself and exits the episode for good just as Slampiece Buttfuck ambles over from the elevator. What's he doing there? We won't learn until his scene, but I'm sure contrivance has something to do with it.

All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, and we're back in the middle of Pointless Subplot Number Two. Phoebe enters her office to find the Limbaugh clone lounging with his feet on her desk, and as he's not snorting powdered OxyContin off some hooker's ass, I'll be skimming through this scene. Elise has assigned the two to answer the same letter as a stunt to boost newsstand sales. Like the fortunes of this newspaper rise and fall on a fucking advice column. The Limbaugh clone annoys Phoebe, so she tosses a potion vial into his chest. The Limbaugh clone flares yellow and morphs into a turkey. Again. Somebody wake me up when this bullshit it over. In the meantime, I'll carry on, zombielike, with the recapping. Phoebe ponders something or other for a moment, then hurls another vial at the turkey, which flares yellow and morphs back into the Limbaugh clone. Phoebe then heaves a put-upon sigh and gets down to business. That's it. That's the scene.

P3. Pointless Subplot Number One. "Ryan," the first of Piper's dates, descends the stairs to greet her, and she drops the single-mom bomb by rolling Tiny Gay Chris out from behind the bar. Ryan's delighted to meet Tiny Chris, and instantly suggests they alter their lunch plans to include the kid. Piper's pleasantly surprised by his reaction, and crosses to her office to retrieve her purse as Ryan hoists Tiny Chris from his little walker-thingy to make googly noises at him. Ryan's soon silenced, though, when Tiny Chris -- who's facing away from the camera -- unleashes some sort of sparkly blue mojo from his face. Horrified, Ryan places Tiny Chris on the floor and flees. Piper returns in time to catch sight of Ryan's ass as it vanishes up the stairs and through the front door. Tiny Chris innocently toddles over to his unamused mom. Piper picks him up and gives him a wicked side-eye as we hear Ryan squealing away in his car.