We fade up on the interior of a richly-appointed executive suite. At the desk, Raige and her temporary boss of the week huddle over a stack of papers, with Raige indicating where on the various documents the boss man should affix his signature. Even though it's obviously late in the evening -- and we do shortly learn that it's actually three minutes to midnight -- Raige is her typically perky self, and I'm sorry, but there's no way in hell she'd be so damn chipper after pulling a fifteen-hour day at the office. God knows I never am. By contrast, the thirtysomething boss man seems more than a little tense and anxious as he ensures that "the Smith case," "the amendments to [his] living trust," and his "very generous" "donation to The Children's Foundation" have all been settled. Once he's confirmed they've attended to every item on his agenda, he offers Raige his heartfelt thanks for her work that week, and slides an envelope out of his desk for her. The implication is that it's stuffed with bonus cash, and Raige hesitates before the boss man insists that she take it. "I know a good soul when I see one," he notes with a rueful smile. The boss man then nervously eyes the clock on his desk and urges her to leave immediately. "I'm sure your family would never forgive me if I kept you here after midnight," he explains. Raige smiles that she'll see him in the morning, and exits. "I wouldn't count on it," he mumbles to himself after she's closed the door.
Over by the elevators, Raige opens the envelope to find three hundred-dollar bills. She gapes, squints, and turns to head back into the office. Can you feel the excitement yet? Yeah. Didn't think so.
And you won't be feeling any here, either. Just as the digital desk clock flips up to midnight, a dark demonic force or two flame into the boss man's office. As Raige steps through the door, the boss man screams, "Behind you!" The demon behind Raige conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death, but Raige grabs his arm and slams him face-first into the wall. The unreleased FBOD makes contact with the demon's chest, and he explodes into a spray of sparks and fire. The remaining demon conjures another FBOD and hurls it at the boss man, who flips backwards over a chair from the impact, howling in agony. "Larry?" Raige breathes as she approaches her boss's lifeless form on the carpet. "Forget it, witch," the remaining demon sneers. "You lost him." The demon flares up and disappears through the floor. Dead Larry glows white, and his soul or spirit or whatever the fuck it is groans before following the demon down to Hell. Raige, stunned, places her hands on Dead Larry's corpse as we drop into the opening credits.
Opening Travelogue, avec Testicle and jittery cable cars. There's also a terrific time-lapse shot of the sunlight gradually illuminating the fog that envelops the Golden Gate Bridge, with super-speed morning traffic whizzing across the span. Over at the Manor, Phoebe bubbles into the kitchen to greet Piper and Tiny Gay Chris with an ebullient "Good morning!" before the two ladies establish Pointless Subplots Numbers One and Two for the evening. Pointless Subplot Number One involves Piper dating again. Pointless Subplot Number Two involves Elise Rothman, Girl Editor stealing the Limbaughian Spencer Ricks away from All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me's competition to work with Phoebe. Piper's lined up three dates in a row, and intends to introduce the gentlemen to Tiny Chris immediately to gauge their reaction to her child. Phoebe's lined up several bottles of the potion she used on Ricks last season, in case he gets mouthy. And that's pretty much all you need to know. Quite honestly, given how little everyone has to do tonight, the producers could have granted the entire cast with the exception of Rose McGowan a vacation this week, and the episode wouldn't have suffered one bit from their collective absence.
Whatever. It's time for Rose to earn her paycheck as Raige glumly drags in through the back door and silently passes through the kitchen on her way upstairs. Instantly detecting their sister's foul mood, Phoebe and Piper chase after her, stopping her by the stairs. Raige fills them in on Dead Larry's untimely demise. Piper and Phoebe make sad faces before attempting to console her with the argument that sometimes, innocents die, and there's nothing the Glamorous Ladies can do about it. Raige isn't having it, however, and angrily marches upstairs to wash up, or something. I mean, she has been up all night after putting in rather a hellish day at the job, so I'm certain a shower's in order, you know? Piper and Phoebe exchange Looks Fraught With Concern and sigh.
And look! It's time for Pointless Subplot Number Three! The Dolt strides through a cluttered alleyway and presses his palms against a wall. As his hand passes through the brick surface, the portal he's found flashes white and violently disgorges his rather fetching big gay son, who knocks the Dolt backwards onto the asphalt. The boys hiss and scratch at each other for a bit as they scramble to their feet before the Dolt demands, "What's that?" while nodding his head towards the wall. "Nothing," Big Chris shrugs casually. The Dolt grabs his son's arm and forces Big Chris's head into the portal. After a bit of a struggle, Big Chris pops back out with a medieval helmet obscuring his face. Long story short, Big Chris has opened the portal for reasons he'd like to keep to himself, so the idiot Dolt stupidly latches onto his son and propels both Big Chris and himself through the shimmering doorway. Even though said doorway obviously contains more than a few tricks for which the boys are woefully unprepared. In other words: The Dolt's a fuckwit. Though even this realization does nothing to counter the numbing boredom brought about by this evening's proceedings, because we already knew that. Jesus.
When the two fly out the portal's other side, they find themselves tumbling head over heels down the sharply sloped face of that massive rock formation in The Scoping Fjords Of Sandy Land, and it's long past time to retire Vasquez Rocks as a viable location for Hollywood film shoots. This is the third time I myself have recapped events happening on or around this stupid rock, and I'm sick of it. In any event, Big Gay Chris and the Dolt eventually roll to a dusty halt somewhere near the bottom and presently rise to their feet, wondering where the hell they are. Big Chris rants about not being able to control the portal thingy until a throaty off-screen roar drowns out his words. Big Chris and the Dolt take one look at the thing that's looming behind them and scamper back up the rock. The shot cuts to reveal a cheap-looking computer-generated Tyrannosaurus picking its way across the blasted landscape. Christ, this is dumb.
Back in San Francisco, Raige offers her condolences to Dead Larry's grieving widow. Said offering also involves Raige pumping The Widow Larry for information on her late husband's business practices, which I find rather rude. Rather than booting the impudent hag from her late husband's office, The Widow Larry confides that Dead Larry's knack for business was downright otherworldly. In fact, The Widow Larry on more than one occasion wondered if her husband weren't "clairvoyant." And the really odd thing, she further notes, is that up until a few years ago, Dead Larry was a miserable failure. Then, "all of a sudden, it was like he won the lottery." "Suddenly, he couldn't lose," she elaborates. "Every deal he made was golden." Success, however, did not bring Dead Larry happiness, for some reason that remains unfathomable to The Widow. One of Dead Larry's colleagues interrupts the backstory to announce that Dead Larry's brother is on the phone. The Widow Larry excuses herself and exits the episode for good just as Slampiece Buttfuck ambles over from the elevator. What's he doing there? We won't learn until his scene, but I'm sure contrivance has something to do with it.
All The News That's Fit To Fuck Me, and we're back in the middle of Pointless Subplot Number Two. Phoebe enters her office to find the Limbaugh clone lounging with his feet on her desk, and as he's not snorting powdered OxyContin off some hooker's ass, I'll be skimming through this scene. Elise has assigned the two to answer the same letter as a stunt to boost newsstand sales. Like the fortunes of this newspaper rise and fall on a fucking advice column. The Limbaugh clone annoys Phoebe, so she tosses a potion vial into his chest. The Limbaugh clone flares yellow and morphs into a turkey. Again. Somebody wake me up when this bullshit it over. In the meantime, I'll carry on, zombielike, with the recapping. Phoebe ponders something or other for a moment, then hurls another vial at the turkey, which flares yellow and morphs back into the Limbaugh clone. Phoebe then heaves a put-upon sigh and gets down to business. That's it. That's the scene.
P3. Pointless Subplot Number One. "Ryan," the first of Piper's dates, descends the stairs to greet her, and she drops the single-mom bomb by rolling Tiny Gay Chris out from behind the bar. Ryan's delighted to meet Tiny Chris, and instantly suggests they alter their lunch plans to include the kid. Piper's pleasantly surprised by his reaction, and crosses to her office to retrieve her purse as Ryan hoists Tiny Chris from his little walker-thingy to make googly noises at him. Ryan's soon silenced, though, when Tiny Chris -- who's facing away from the camera -- unleashes some sort of sparkly blue mojo from his face. Horrified, Ryan places Tiny Chris on the floor and flees. Piper returns in time to catch sight of Ryan's ass as it vanishes up the stairs and through the front door. Tiny Chris innocently toddles over to his unamused mom. Piper picks him up and gives him a wicked side-eye as we hear Ryan squealing away in his car.
Somewhere else, Raige and Slampiece Buttfuck amble down a sidewalk as Buttfuck exposits that he's now living alone in Castle Montanague. The rest of his clan, you see, rather conveniently followed Lady Montanague when she moved "back East" after that unpleasantness with the late Olivia was resolved a couple of weeks ago. With the Montanague clan's potential drain on the casting budget so tidily dispatched, the two turn to the issue of Dead Larry. Raige is convinced she was sent to Dead Larry's office for a reason. Buttfuck's of the opinion that things like fate and destiny -- if they exist in the first place -- are there only to screw people over. Raige confesses that Piper and Phoebe have told her to just let Dead Larry go, but she herself feels as though something remains to be done. Buttfuck grins and suggests she summon Dead Larry's ghost to ask it directly about the whole thing. Raige's face lights up at the suggestion, and the two pass out of the frame, presumably to head back to the Manor for a séance.
The screen flares white, and when we return, we find ourselves in the middle of a slave auction down in Hell, hosted by this week's guest demon, Keith Szarabajka. Most of you will know him from his work on Angel, but I remember him best as Jamie Ross's evil child-stealing, scumbag-defending ex in that three-episode bi-coastal Law & Order O.J. rip-off from a few years back. I must say, he hasn't aged well. Or, at the very least, he's aged strangely. Not that he was ever an object of anyone's lust in the first place, mind you, but he's sporting a mustache now, and with the pounds he's added since last I saw him, he looks like Martin Mull: The Roseanne Years. Anyway, Keith's some sort of soul broker, and Dead Larry's one of the items for sale. The bidding demons -- and there are about twenty of them -- exchange powers for human spirits, but it's never really explained what the demons do with said spirits once they've purchased them. Sure, Keith describes his merchandise as "true prize[s] for any soul collector, eater, or trader," but whatever. I can't imagine storage space is easy to come by in the Underworld, and what's your typical demon-on-the-go gonna do with eight or nine human souls hanging around all the time? Feh. It's one ridiculous plot hole in an episode filled with them, so I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. In any event, Dead Larry's on the block, clad in what appears to be sackcloth and chains. Keith exposits that, thanks to his intervention, Dead Larry "became one of the most prominent lawyers in San Francisco." Just as Keith opens the bidding "at two powers," though, a swirling cloud of glowing golf balls engulfs Dead Larry and whisks him upwards. Dead Larry's now-empty chains clank onto the ground as Keith rages, "Find him!" A flunky charges through the crowd and vanishes by dimming into a white-outlined black silhouette of himself and dissipating into the air.
Up in the Manor hall, Dead Larry materializes in the center of a ring of candles Raige and Buttfuck have arranged on the floor. "Welcome back," Raige greets him. Dead Larry gapes and pants and bugs out his eyes as we vanish into the commercial break.
When we return, we find Dead Larry stammering, "Uh. Um. Okay, you've gotta send me back before Zahn gets pissed." Dude, how awesome would Steve Zahn have been as The Demon Of The Week? I'm thinking there would be a fair amount of awe involved. Well, maybe not so much tonight, because his talents would have been wasted on an episode as tedious as this, but still. Keep him in mind for future guest appearances, please. Not that Steve Zahn's so hard up for cash that he'd actually consider appearing on this show, unlike, say, a certain slumming Getty heir I'm about to mention in the sentence.
Slampiece Buttfuck (smooth transition, no?) greets the Dead Larry warmly, reminding the ghost that it took care of the Montanague family finances when it was alive. Dead Larry's all, "Whatever, smack whore," and reveals that if he doesn't live up to his end of the "Faustian deal" he made with Keith, The Widow Larry is screwed. You see, five years ago, Keith convinced Dead Larry to trade his soul for business success, and "last night payment became due in full." Dead Larry explains that once he figured out Keith was effecting said success by exploiting the "pain" of various Bay Area unfortunates, Dead Larry tried to withdraw from the deal, but blah blah go ahead and actually read the various Faust legends to learn how well that worked out for Dead Larry. Though, again, awesomeness would have ensued had Raige reentered Dead Larry's office to find "bloodstains...everywhere" with "bits of brain [clinging] to the walls" while "outside...[Dead Larry's] corpse, its members still twitching, [lay] on a pile of manure." Maybe they'll try that for February's sweeps. Anyway, Piper enters at this point with Tiny Gay Chris, takes one look at the ghost in her living room, and shoots a look of death at Raige before gliding out to the sun porch. Raige fidgets a bit in discomfort before following to plead her case.
Piper sets Tiny Gay Chris in his product-placed playpen and immediately lets Raige have it. "How do you know all the demons in the Underworld aren't out looking for [Dead Larry]?" she howls. Raige argues that that's all the more reason "to save him." "'Save him'?" Piper spits incredulously. "He's dead!" Raige splutters that Dead Larry "hasn't moved on yet," and vows that she'll do anything to save his soul before Keith gets it. This leads to more outrage from Piper, due to the fact that Raige has endangered all of the Manor's inhabitants by taking on a demon about whom she knows nothing -- and without first consulting her sisters. Raige babbles something obnoxious about preventing Dead Larry from paying endlessly for his life's mistakes after he's dead, and Piper shrieks something about actions having consequences. "You can't keep going off on your own," Piper sighs, waving her hands around in the air. "It's not how we work." "If you bring danger into this house," she reminds Raige, "you have to talk to us about it first." Raige sneers that she did, but that Piper and Phoebe "weren't exactly supportive, unlike [Slampiece Buttfuck], who is." Piper rolls her eyes at this, wondering "what [Buttfuck] has to do with any of this." "You barely even know him," she adds. "Maybe," Raige snottily allows, "but he seems to get me more than you!" With that, she spins on her heel and flounces back to the parlor. Piper grinds her teeth in aggravation as Tiny Gay Chris drools.
Raige dismisses Buttfuck, promising to call him later, then drags Dead Larry atticwards to abuse the Book of Shadows. Buttfuck shoots a guilty look at Piper before heading out of the house.
Pointless Subplot Number Three. Big Gay Chris and the Dolt scramble around the rocks, hide in a niche from the Tyrannosaurus, discover they can't orb because "magic won't be around until there's people to use it," like, so much for the fucking garden gnomes who make the green grass grow, and emerge to look for the portal once the big, scary computer animation has lumbered away. We learn that Big Gay Chris initially traveled back in time by way of a spell, and that he conjured the portal in an effort to return to the future to see if he succeeded in vanquishing the particular demon who had been threatening The Done One. Other than that, nothing else happens. No, really. No. Really. But my husband does look gorgeous all disheveled and dusty, doesn't he?
Back at the Manor, Piper's appraising Phoebe of Raige's latest transgression via the telephone. While the two agree that they shouldn't "gang up" on Raige, Raige needs to accept the fact that the Glamorous Ladies "have a shared destiny to worry about," and Raige's "Power-of-One kick" is in no way serving said destiny. Phoebe agrees to return to the Manor, and hangs up just as the doorbell rings to further Pointless Subplot Number One. Meanwhile, in Pointless Subplot Number Two, the Limbaugh clone wants to answer a letter from a guy who wants his girlfriend to get implants. Alyssa Milano glances at her own pneumatically enhanced bosom, glowers, and pitches another potion vial at the clone's feet all, "No one shall have tits bigger than me! Do you understand? NO ONE!" The clone flares yellow and morphs into a pig. Wah. Wah. Zzzzzzz! Phoebe locks the animal in her office to leave...
...and we're back in Pointless Subplot Number One. Piper answers the door to find a gentleman of scorchingly hot proportions waiting on the porch, and I suddenly perk up a bit. Go figure. Seriously, though, Robert Farrior is freaking gorgeous -- tall, with blue eyes and dark hair, and a bit scruffy with the two-day beard growth and the white t-shirt and the leather jacket. Whew. Smoking. If Piper can pull talent of this caliber, what the hell was she doing with the fucking Dolt for four and a half years? Anyway, as Piper has Tiny Gay Chris balanced on one of her hips, the baby bomb is rather quickly dropped, but "Brett" reacts to the news with roughly the same amount of delight as Ryan had earlier. Piper tells Brett she needs to reschedule due to unforeseen circumstances, but he's fine with that. Well, he's fine with that until Tiny Chris pulls some more of his freaky face-mojo. We still, by the way, can't see what Tiny Chris is doing to these guys, and I'm holding out hope it's some sort of hideous, slimy Alien monster face with the teeth and such. However, as I'm sure they blew their effects budget for the evening on that worthless Tyrannosaurus, I know it's going to be something far more prosaic, like orbing eyeballs. Whatever it is, Brett takes one look at it and runs, which is really a shame. If there's one thing this show could always use more of, it's fine male ass. Piper, whose attention had been diverted by crashing noises from the attic, turns back in time to note Brett's absence. She tosses a worried glance at Tiny Chris before shutting the door.
Up in the attic, Raige has apparently summoned Keith, and he's responding to that summons by telekinetically kicking her ass. Dead Larry begs Keith to leave her alone, as she was just trying to help him and had no idea what that would involve. "You thought by vanquishing me, you'd save Larry?" Keith purrs. "As a matter of fact..." Raige snots before hurling a potion vial towards his chest. Keith conjures a Flaming Ball Of Vial-B-Gone, and the vanquishing potion vanishes in a harmless puff of smoke. "But you're a low-level demon!" Raige splutters. "You're not supposed to have that power!" "Lady," Keith calmly replies, "I haven't been low-level in years -- not since I started trading souls for powers. Wanna see?" With that, he conjures a Flaming Ball Of Death and hurls it at Raige. She spontaneously orbs out in place, allowing the FBOD harmless passage through her orb cloud to scorch the wall. Piper races into the room at this point, and for her trouble is telekinetically slammed backwards into the door by Keith. Raige darts to Piper's side as Keith growls, "For future reference: Even if you could vanquish me, it would only make things worse for [Dead] Larry." Keith goes on to quote the relevant section of the contract Dead Larry signed: "'All souls in my possession will burn in eternal flames upon my untimely demise.'" Raige is all, "Shit." Piper's all, "Raige, you fucking dumb-ass." Keith waves his hand around, and the shackles and leg irons rematerialize on Dead Larry's wrists and ankles. "Consider yourself repossessed," Keith sneers. He then flourishes his arm in the air, and he and Dead Larry flare orange and drop through the floorboards into the commercial break.
Back from the break, Phoebe applies an ice pack to Piper's bruised back while bitching in passing about the disappearance of both Big Gay Chris and the Dolt. Meanwhile, Raige stupidly intends to carry on with her asinine "Save Dead Larry" plan. How does she intend to do this? By finding Keith's vault of contracts and destroying them, thereby freeing Dead Larry along with all of the other souls Keith's ensnared in the past. Piper and Phoebe, needless to say, disagree, and announce their intention to destroy Keith before he absorbs any more power, and to Hell -- literally -- with Dead Larry and the other unfortunates. Raige flatly refuses to "sacrifice" her innocent. Piper sighs in frustration and tells her, "We don't have a choice. This is beyond your control. I'm sorry." Raige storms out in a wordless fit.
Castle Montanague. Raige enters to find Slampiece Buttfuck in the study. He rises with a warm smile to greet her, but shifts to concern when he reads her expression. Raige wearily admits that things aren't going so well. Scene.
Pointless Subplot Number Three. The Dolt and Big Gay Chris stumble across the portal, and after a bit of tedious business with the big, scary, menacing computer animation, leap through it. They tumble out the other side to find themselves surrounded by Confederate soldiers. In San Francisco. What the fuck ever.
Castle Montanague. Raige and Slampiece Buttfuck flirt shamelessly with each other as Raige sort of reveals her plan to save Dead Larry. She needs Buttfuck to "get [her] sisters when it's time." "I'm gonna need their help," she explains, "but they can't know about it until it's too late to stop me." "Won't they be pissed?" Buttfuck asks. "Probably," Raige admits before smiling, "Got any candles?" Buttfuck grins.
Manor attic. Piper lights a circle of her own candles on the floor. She and Phoebe intend to summon Keith, give him one chance to surrender Dead Larry's soul, and vanquish him with some super-fabulous potions they've whipped up in the last three minutes. The gals clasp hands, and Piper recites the following:
We call upon the ancient powers
To summon one to save a soul.
Down in Hell, or wherever, Keith schmoozes with his clients until a swirling cloud of glowing golf balls assails him and sucks him upwards. Dead Larry rolls his eyes. I am so with you, corpse man.
Back in the attic, Keith materializes briefly at the center of the room before the swirling cloud of glowing golf balls attacks once more to escort him elsewhere. Piper and the Feebs are all, "Fucking Raige."
And speaking of Raige, she's still over in Castle Montanague, waiting to greet Keith when the swirling cloud of glowing golf balls deposits him in Slampiece Buttfuck's study. "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse," she begins. Keith glares for a beat until the screen flashes white to smack us downstairs to his office. He presents Raige with a contract entitled "Faustian Deal." Oy. Keith conjures a quill, instructing Raige to "sign on the dotted line." Raige refuses to do so until Keith's released Dead Larry. Keith shoots her a tired look and snaps his fingers. Dead Larry flames into the room, quickly figures out what's going on, and starts screaming "Don't!" as Raige emblazons her name on the contract. No, seriously. The letters actually burn themselves into the parchment. Keith rises and dismisses Dead Larry with, "Have a nice afterlife." Dead Larry glows white and slowly ascends through the ceiling. Raige smiles at him as he goes, then suddenly clutches her chest in pain. She collapses to the floor and -- wait for it -- gives up the ghost. Said ghost is clad not in the clothes Raige was wearing when she died, but rather a shapeless, one-shouldered, burlap shift. Which goes against everything we've ever seen regarding the freshly dead on this show, but whatever. Keith picks his way across Raige's corpse, passing through her ghost on his way to lock her contract in the vault. Once he's mojoed the vault shut, he breathes, "It's been a pleasure doing business with you." Raige looks down at her dead body in something meant to approximate dismay before this episode limps into the final commercial break.
Manor. Piper's on the cordless in the main hall, trying to reach Raige but getting nothing more than her voicemail. Phoebe descends the stairs with the news that Raige isn't showing up on the scrying radar, either. Just as they're about to drift into despair, Slampiece Buttfuck arrives to fill them in on Raige's cunning plan. Before he can do that, however, we must arrive at closure for Pointless Subplot Number One. Tiny Gay Chris tosses the evil eye at Buttfuck, who reacts with a mild, "Does he do that a lot?" Piper and Phoebe glance at the brat to discover that he's orbing his eyes around in his head, and it's not nearly as interesting as I just made it sound. The effects editors have simply obscured Tiny Chris's eyes with a bit of sparkling blue digital overlay. Why did anyone bother with this episode? Including me? Sigh. Piper realizes she's not getting laid because the "little runt" is scaring off her dates, and that's it for Pointless Subplot Number One. Buttfuck proceeds to clue the gals in on what Raige expects them to do, and it involves reversing the "To Call A Lost Sister" spell. "It should take you right to her," he states. "To do what?" Piper icily wonders. "To save her," Buttfuck shrugs. Piper strenuously rolls her eyes while Phoebe and Tiny Chris breathe through their mouths.
Down at the slave auction, Keith introduces Raige and her corpse to the assembled demonic throng, and announces his intention to auction her soul and her body separately. A Grimlock opens the bidding at fifteen powers. It quickly ratchets up to around forty or so until Piper and Phoebe swirl in to bring things to a halt. The Grimlock offers one hundred powers "for all three." "Sold!" Piper cries. "To the dead Grimlock!" She unleashes her Hands Of Discontent, and the Grimlock's pasty ass is fiery history. A leather-clad demonette with New Jersey mall hair tosses a Flaming Ball Of Death at the Feebs. Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band is mute, but we're to believe she empathically channels the demonette's powers to redirect the FBOD into the demonette's own stomach. The demonette explodes. The remaining buyers flee, with Piper picking off one or two of them with a few casual flicks of her wrist. Raige orders her to blow up Keith's vault, which Piper does. As the contracts burn, Raige's ghost glows yellow and reenters her body. "Cut it a little close," she grumps when her reconstituted self rises to cross to her sisters. "What the hell is going on?" Piper demands. "Bitch later," Raige retorts. "Vanquish now!" Phoebe and Piper turn to hurl their vanquishing vials at Keith's feet. He erupts in a veil of flame and quickly dissolves into a Keith-shaped cloud of dust that presently drifts off in the refreshing Underworld breeze. Piper turns back to Raige. "Now can I bitch?" Heh. Raige hurriedly explains that she knew that "no matter how pissed off" Piper and Phoebe were, they'd still come to save her because of the sisterly bond. Piper and Phoebe glance at each other all, "time, we let her fucking insubordinate ass rot."
P3. Tonight's guest alterna-testicles wail from the stage. Piper eyes them with something approaching contempt, but Phoebe, who's tarted herself up in a filmy periwinkle baby-doll top, jiggles around on her barstool with glee. After the song ends, the two chat about Raige's transgression, and agree that something must be done. Just what that something is, however, remains to be determined. Pointless Subplot Number Two wraps itself up when Phoebe reveals that she and the Limbaugh clone managed to finish their joint column. Pointless Subplot Number Three grinds to a close when the Dolt and Big Gay Chris appear at the bar with no explanation of how they made it back from the infamous Confederate siege of San Francisco. God, what a worthless episode this has been. Piper bails to get her some from Date Number Three, who better be at least as good-looking as that Brett boy was. Woof. Phoebe natters something unimportant to the Dolt and Big Chris before disappearing as well. Big Chris affably offers to buy the Dolt a beer. The Dolt snots something nasty about Big Chris being short on cash, and then proceeds to bum "two cold ones" from his ex-wife's bartender. Asshole.
Castle Montanague. Raige lights a candle and recites, "For [Dead] Larry: May your soul find freedom and peace." Raige thanks Slampiece Buttfuck for being there in her hour of need. He pshaws that he "just delivered a message." Raige smiles at him fondly. "Lucky I ran into you," she grins. "'Luck'?" Buttfuck repeats before disagreeing with her. "It was fate." I believe I was meant to react to that with something along the lines of, "Awww! Raige has restored Buttfuck's belief in destiny!" However, I was snoring like a banshee at this point, so no cuddly psychic interaction with the fictional characters for me this evening. Raige and Buttfuck slowly lean in towards each other and start macking as we fade to black.
week, Kink Arthur pops up in the Manor when Piper discovers she's his modern-day counterpart. Or something like that. All I know is, if she has a threeway with Samantha Mathis and Vaughn, I'm quitting.