The Power Of Three Blondes

Props to Steve Bartman. Not. Douche.

Fade up on the Manor exterior, and -- oh, hell. They've decided to rely on wacky transition shots this evening, apparently in deference to the wacky blondes of the title. The camera lingers for a second on the faade before racing up the stairs from the sidewalk, accompanied by whooshing noises. This should suck. Up in the attic, the three hatefully attired Ps enter gasping and slam shut the door behind them. I already suspect there will be morphing hijinks aplenty this evening, as these outfits are quite simply appalling, even for such notorious repeat offenders as Raige and Phoebe. Raige is squeezed into a pink bustier with ruffly trim over a crotch-grazing denim micro-mini and bare legs, while the Feebs sports gartered fishnets under a black patent pleather skirt and strappy tank, with some sort of bizarre pink sash running from her left Fun Bag down to her waist. Their elder sister's a bit more sedate, but as she's edging into Cell Block territory herself, I think it's safe to assume these are not the real Ps. In fact, I think it's safe to assume these are the titular blondes, and as I already know that said blondes' names all start with M, I'll make this easy on everyone and rename these impostors appropriately. "It's okay," Miper assures the others. "You're going to be okay." "That demon wiped out that whole family of innocents," Moebe protests. "How am I ever going to be okay?" "You'll learn," Miper sagely advises. As they cross to a nearby divan, an overly sibilant Maige asserts, "If that demon is anywhere in that Book, I'll nail hisss sssorry assss." "Oh! Those poor children!" Moebe sighs, collapsing onto the sofa in empathic agony. "They were so scared! I could feel their pain!" I know you're not the real Phoebe, but zip it, git. You don't know what pain is until you watch the Florida fucking Marlins send their entire fucking team around the bases at the top of the goddamned eighth inning. Seriously, what the hell was that? I'll tell you what that was: It was the fucking Cubs fucking choking like they choked in '32 and '45 and '69 and '84 and '89 and '98 and every single fucking season in between. You feel pain? My ass you feel pain. Bitch.

There's some pointless gibbering about Moebe's stupid new power before Miper proposes some "sisterly bonding," offering to fetch some relaxing tea. Well, at least the impostor knows Piper's a drudge. Gotta give her points for that one. Maige vehemently disagrees with the bonding proposal. "Did you sssee that demon?" she squeals. "Did you sssee thossse teeth flying out like razor bladesss?" "We need to kill that demon," Moebe nods, before solemnly adding, "for the children. All six of those children." Miper purses her lips and agrees to "hit the Book now." She strides purposefully over to the stand, then tentatively reaches for the Book of Shadows. The Book instantly flares up and snaps shut. Maige and Moebe wince. Miper reaches again, and this time the Book flares and leaps from its perch to the floor. Miper glares, steps around the stand, tries to fake the Book out by edging towards Maige and Moebe, and then dives for the thing. The Book flares one last time and zips off out of the frame. "I told you it wouldn't work!" Miper bitches from the floorboards.

"It's her fault," Moebe characteristically insists, indicating Maige. "Who ever heard of a demon with flying razor teeth before?" "I'm not the one who made the innocents into the Von Trapp family," Maige snots back. Miper orders them to can it before morphing out into Cleopatra 2525's Jennifer Sky. "We can look like the Charmed Ones," she pouts, "but let's face it -- our acting sucks." Honey, I never watched your other show, but I can tell from that one line that you're speaking truth. "If we want the Book of Shadows," Jennifer continues, "we have to become them. It's time to try my identity theft spell." "No. Way!" Moebe sings, morphing out into the infamous Jenny McCarthy as Maige morphs into, um, a Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger, actually. Melody Perkins, to be specific about the whole thing. I gather she was the pink one. "They'll come after us," Jenny duhs. "It's a suicide mission." "And it'sss dangerousss," Melody dimly and breathily warns. Yes, Melody Perkins is fond of her esses. Melody Perkins is also an airhead. Just guessing on the last one. Props to Rose McGowan, in any event, for mocking both traits in her line deliveries up to this point.

Anyway, Jennifer asks the others if they "want to be chiselers" the rest of their lives, and asserts that now's the time for them to "think big." This evening's dastardly plan is rather succinctly laid out in the ensuing dialogue: These three "bad" sisters will steal the Book, use it to abscond with the Glamorous Ladies' powers, and then "form [their] own Power of Three." The bleach blonde "actresses" giggle. I think it was supposed to be an evil giggle, but it actually came across as empty-headed. Shocking, I realize, given the caliber of tonight's guest stars. From below, Piper calls, wondering if Phoebe and Raige are in the attic. Jenny, Jennifer, and Melody whip out tiny atomizers -- from their ass cracks, apparently, because none of these ladies is carrying a purse -- and mist Parfum Mojo about their faces and necks. Each woman fades into black and white before blurrily dematerializing.

Piper enters the moment the others have disappeared, clad in a familiarly demure long-sleeved white blouse over flared jeans. She crosses to the abandoned Book on the floor and hoists it over to its stand, suspiciously eyeing the room the entire time. Her last cautious glance accompanies us as we flare up and leap into the opening credits.

And in a cleansing burst of synchronicity, special guest Jenny McCarthy has a new movie premiering this week! What are the odds?

A hyper-speed opening travelogue whisks us through city traffic to dump us on the gangway leading into P3. Down in the deserted bar area, Piper checks in with Tiny Gay Chris's nanny via the cordless. When she hangs up, she warns her new bartender that some band is expected shortly for a sound check, but she'll be back at the Manor, as she wants to be home when Tiny Chris wakes from his nap. "Jack" is all, "I'm on it, Boss Lady." Jack is also all of twelve years old. Seriously. Dude's an infant. I think Tiny Chris actually has a few years on him. The actor, by the way, played a character whose name I don't recognize in that fabulous watery noir, The Deep End. Lukacytes are certain to recognize the title, but I think it rules because of Tilda Swinton's stunning performance as the mom. She was robbed when Oscar time arrived and left with no nomination for her. Trust me on this one. And who'd they give it to instead? Halle Berry? Whatever. You can bet your ass Tilda Swinton would never flee the scene of an accident. Twice.

Anywho, Phoebe bubbles into the bar, togged in a shockingly prim dove-grey top. Well, yeah, the V-neck's plunging down into the middle of the Fun Bags, and it's fairly tight, but it's long-sleeved and otherwise concealing, so it's shockingly prim for her. Phoebe's arrived to take Piper to lunch, but Piper proposes they head to the Manor for some home cooking instead. Phoebe whines that Piper needs some "grown-up time" away from Tiny Gay Chris, which is why they hired the nanny in the first place, right? Piper rolls her eyes, but agrees. Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band then kicks in, and she moans orgasmically while eyeing the preadolescent bartender. I fully expect her to announce that Jack wants to do her, so I'm shocked when Phoebe stage-whispers, "Piper! That new bartender guy is checking you out!" Piper incredulously glances over her shoulder at the twelve-year-old, who grins. Piper wigs and stage-whispers back, "Are you telling me that you're feeling what he's feeling for me? That's creepy." Indeed. I'll one-up you and call it inappropriate. And I've just had a sudden, awful premonition we'll be catching some vile girl-on-girl action from the Feebs at some point this season. Let's just hope it's not this evening with Jenny McCarthy, because that? Would send me screaming into the street in the futile hope I'll end up decorating the windshield of a bus. Futile because, of course, there's never a damn bus around when you really need one.

So, Phoebe sends the infant bartender to cool his heels elsewhere so she can bellyache about Chronic without channeling Jack's lust for his boss. See what they did there? Don't worry. I'm sure it slipped past them, too. Seems Chronic's winging back from Hong Kong yet again to bone the hapless Feebs, and she doesn't know what to do. With her stupid new power behaving so unpredictably, she's worried they'll spend the entire weekend in bed. Because Chronic's sole purpose on earth is to fuck Phoebe Halliwell. God, I hate her. Piper thinks Phoebe should escort Chronic to a highly public venue such as a restaurant, to discuss the nature of their relationship in a place where they can't "get buck wild." Oh, I'm sure Phoebe'd find a way to screw Chronic in a restaurant, Piper. Hell, Samantha Jones -- herself not the brightest bulb on the television tree -- did her boy toy against a glass rack at a purse party. I'm sure Phoebe will think of something, should Chronic's mood strike her. Heh. "Think." Sometimes I crack myself up.

In any event, Phoebe sort-of agrees with Piper's plan as they link arms to head up the stairs. Big Gay Chris orbs onto the landing, eliciting an immediate and dead-serious, "No!" from both ladies. Big Gay Chris looks miffed. Aw. Come to Demian, Big Gay Chris. I'll make it all better. Okay, fine. Recap. Gotcha. The ladies insist they're heading to lunch, and Big Agreeable Chris says that's perfectly fine with him. "We can hunt demons after lunch!" The ladies who insist upon lunching roll their eyes. Big Shifty Chris slyly switches gears and too-casually wonders if either of the gals has seen the Dolt lately, as there's a rumor wafting through Whitelighterland to the effect that the Dolt knows who banished him to the Isle of Dykes. Neither Piper nor Phoebe has enjoyed the pleasure of the Dolt's company as of late, and besides, Piper has a more pressing concern. "Did either of you leave the Book on the floor last night?" she asks. Nope, says Hubby and the dimwit, but Big Vaguely-Familiar-With-This Chris notes that he remembers a story about the Book and the floor and whatnot, though he's not too certain of the details. The audience is meant to wonder if this is because his Tiny Self is barely cognizant of his surroundings at this point in his life. The audience is not, however, to wonder why Chris would remember anything about tonight's events in the first place, given that Raige died five months ago in his original timeline, eliminating the Power of Three and taking with her any justification for the titular blondes' designs on the Glamorous Ladies' identities. Stupid writers. In spite of this gaping plot hole, Big Correctly-Cautious Chris advises Piper and Phoebe to "take this threat seriously, and tell [Raige]." And where is Raige, exactly? Why, at one of her contrived and tedious temp jobs, of course! Big Dismissive Chris thinks she's wasting her time, but his mom and his aunt remind him Raige is on a "quest for happiness outside of magic." They breeze past him to ascend the stairs. Trailing after them, Big Incredulous Chris snorts, "Who finds happiness at a temp job?"

Raige, apparently, for the shot is of her perkily packing boxes of fruit at North Shore Citrus, and man, she's signed with a fucked-up temp agency. It'd be like Loftus & O'Meara sending me to the now-defunct downtown Oscar Mayer plant back in the day as, like, a wiener stuffer. In other words, I'm not buying it. Any of it. Raige seems blithely unconcerned with my rantings as she overreaches for a specific orange. Raige is do-ragged. Just tossing that out there. Raige's coworker, whom I'm calling Maria Mon-tez! because I'm having a Myra Breckinridge moment, instructs her to straighten her back, then proceeds to bitch about herniated disks. Raige nods her head and smiles until she spots two fleet-footed Smurfs racing around on the walls. No, seriously. There are two tiny blue men CGI'd into the scene, and one of them pushes a stack of crates in Maria Mon-tez!'s general direction. "Look out!" Raige screams, throwing herself bodily across the lemon-laden conveyer belt to knock Maria Mon-tez! to the ground, just as the crates crash heavily into the floor. The Smurfs cackle maliciously. Boss-Man Of The Week storms in to shut everything down for a safety inspection. "This place is maldito," Maria Mon-tez! darkly warns, overdoing by several significant degrees both her accent and the general sense of foreboding. "Cursed!" she adds, for the benefit of those unfamiliar with the wetback lingo. "I think I'm maldito," Raige mopes, glaring at the Smurfs. The Smurfs titter and speed off

dragging the frame with them so we wipe over to Halliwell Manor. See what I mean with the wacky transitions? I hate this show. Directly across the street, Jennifer Sky peers through lace curtains to sneer at the Manor. The titular blondes appear to be ensconced in Manse Morphing from the first season. Appropriate, no? Of course, they've slaughtered the current occupants, who presumably bought the place after the slaughter of its occupants, so I'm thinking the Manse's location is not what you'd call ideal. I do wonder, though, how many of the Glamorous Ladies' neighbors have died because of their proximity to the Manor. I'm guessing the house to their right's had enormous and quick turnover, because no one seems to stick around long enough to, oh, paint the fucking thing already. Pity Greasy Dan never met with a foul end, though, isn't it?

Sorry, I'm rambling. Episodes as bad as this one have that effect on me. Jennifer Sky turns to head back into the Manse parlor for some exposition. The titular blondes intend to distribute the Ps' powers amongst themselves according to birth order, so Jennifer will get Piper's molecular manipulation, the Power Ranger should find herself with Raige's orbing and telekinesis, and Jenny McCarthy shall receive Phoebe's assortment of useless abilities. In order for the initial identity-stealing phase of the plan to work, however, all three Glamorous Ladies must be present across the street. To learn who's currently occupying the Manor, Jennifer dumps a can of black goo into a "scrying bowl," and recites the following:

Give me sight through the blackest bile:
Show me the faces I revile

The goo presently shimmers to reveal an image of Piper on the sun porch, spoon-feeding Tiny Gay Chris. "Ew. She's with the baby," Jenny sneers while shoving a banana into her mouth, and before you ask, yes, Brad Kern has seen to it that this banana will not be the last phallic object to part Jenny McCarthy's lips this evening. Referring to Tiny Chris, Jenny adds, "I can't wait to orb that thing into a volcano." The Power Ranger reminds Jenny that she herself will be doing the orbing, thanks very much, as they'll be getting their powers by "sorority." "That's 'seniority,' Margo," Jenny snits, before bitching about not receiving Raige's orbing. "There's nothing wrong with Phoebe's powers, Mitzy," Jennifer sighs, exasperated. "You'll be able to levitate." "Shyeah," Mitzy snaps. "Six feet in the air." Heh. If that, honey. "You'll also have the powers of premonition and empathy," Jennifer offers. "Like I care what happens to people or how they feel," Mitzy duhs. Hee! The Feebs never gave a rat's ass, either, so the switch seems pretty spot-on from where I'm sitting. "Maybe you should care," Margo needles, "instead of this me-me-me attitude all of the time." HA! It's like the production staff lifted viewer sentiment about Phoebe directly from our boards and dropped it whole into the script. Of course, that sentiment ended up in the mouths of a trio of evil bleached bimbos, so the production staff still needs to rot in Hell, but how did this script get past La Milano?

Anyway, there's some tiresome business with a door-to-door vacuum salesman, in which said salesman invades Manse Morphing for a product demo and takes a Jennifer-conjured dagger to the chest for his troubles. Whatever. I mention it only because his corpse becomes a plot point later. The take-away from this scene, aside from proper character names for two of the titular blondes, is the following speech from the as-yet-unemmed Sky: "This is the biggest con of our lives. If we don't get this right, we'll be two-bit magic hustlers forever. The secret of the Charmed Ones lies in their sisterhood -- the Power of Three. Well, guess what? We have our own sisterhood, our own Power of Three, right here. If we can just stick together, we can have it all." Of course, that last line will swing around to bite them all on their collective ass before evening's end. In the meantime, the Ms plus Jennifer head over to the goo bowl to await Phoebe and Raige's return. The camera pans in on the image of Piper and Tiny Gay Chris

which flares out to fill the screen. Piper tries to get Tiny Gay Chris to accept the offered baby food, but Tiny Chris is all, "You're not putting that crap anywhere near my mouth, Ma." Piper, desperate, says, "Look! Mommy try it!" and places a tiny amount of the foul puree on her tongue. Holly then amuses me to no end with, "Mmm! It's sohorrible! WOW, is that horrible!" Heh. The Dolt orbs in looking for Big Absent Chris, but he's content to make horrific baboon faces at Tiny Chris instead. No wonder my husband grew up to be so warped. But I love him anyway. Piper relays Big Gossipy Chris's mention of the Valhalla rumor wafting through Whitelighterland, which would intrigue the Dolt had he any brain of which to speak. There's also a bit of mild bitchery along last week's lines of, "How can I miss you when you never, ever GO AWAY!" until Raige bellows from the front door. The Dolt beats a hasty, orbing retreat. Tiny Chris immediately pitches a red-faced fit in his upholstered high chair. While Chris howls, Raige fills Piper in on the Smurfs, then heads upstairs to abuse the Book of Shadows. As Raige leaves, Freaky Tiny Iguana Woman bustles in from the kitchen with Tiny Gay Chris's upholstered, space-age stroller. Christ. The money they must have spent on this brat. Um. And it was worth every penny, because my Chris is a wonderful man. Anyway, Iguana Woman prepares to wheel Tiny Chris out for some fresh air. Piper reminds Iguana Woman to cover up her pointy ears. T'Midget does so. Scene.

Manor. The titular blondes have found the Book of Shadows, and frantically riffle through to find the spell they need while perched on the center-parlor sofa. Raige orbs into the hallway behind them with Piper and the Feebs, all three spoiling for a smackdown. The Mimbos hop to their feet, and the six women snipe at each other until the blondes, reading from the Book, recite the following in unison:

Powers of the witches rise,
Course unseen across the skies,
Come to us who call you near,
Come to us and settle here.

During the recitation, Piper attempts to freeze them, but she's lost her abilities by the end of the spell's first line. Bright white fairy lights stream out of the Glamorous Ladies' bodies, traverse the short distance to the center parlor, and settle into the titular blondes. So much for that coursing-unseen stuff, fellas, huh? Even the bright white fairy lights on this show suck. Mange tosses out a hand to freeze the now-powerless Ps. Unfortunately, it's actually a Hand Of Discontent, and it vanquishes a table full of Grams's priceless antiques. The force of the explosion sends Piper flying against the stairwell wall, where she crashes to the floor. There's a quick shot of dyed Caro syrup "oozing" through the leg of her pants before La Milano's stunt double hurtles over the sofa to plant a stiletto in Jennifer Sky's stunt double's stomach. Jennifer Sky's stunt double whips backwards through the air to vanquish a lamp with her derriere. Midge levitates precisely five feet into the air -- heh -- to land a vicious kick on Phoebe's face. Phoebe flies back over the sofa to crumple near Piper's side in the hallway. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward. Moron swings a wrought-iron lamp at Raige, but Raige instinctively orbs out in place, so the lamp just smashes into the wall. "Hey!" Moron snits. "That was supposed to be my power!" The battered Glamorous Ladies scramble into a huddle, and Raige orbs them out into the commercial break.

Attic. More exposition, Mimbo-style, and little of it's entertaining, so I'll try to make this quick. Moron's wicked pissed because she's been left powerless. Raige's orbing abilities came from her Whitelighter side, you'll recall, and the spell specified "powers of the witches." Of course, this means Moron should have plain old fling-shit-around telekinesis, but no one ever addresses that particular bit of logic, so let's all wave goodbye as it disappears forever into The Sucking Vortex Of Massive And Eternal Badness along with the rest of this fucking episode. In any event, Moron's anger's giving freshly-empathic Midge a migraine. Mange exhorts them to focus on the matter at hand, which is locating and killing the Glamorous Ladies before the Dolt figures out what's going on. Given the Dolt's negligible brainpower, the Mimbos should have years to take care of the gals. Mange's resolve evaporates, though, when she discovers the titular blondes' entry in the Book of Shadows. Moron and Midge crowd around as Mange reads, "The Stillman Sisters: Mabel, Mitzy, and Margo. Common witches known for their small-time hustles and cons. Not worth vanquishing. If they become a nuisance, try a simple spell to bind their magic." This dismissive account of their accomplishments sets the blondes to pouting until Mange reminds her sisters, "We got their powers, we got their Book, and we gotblonde, multi-tonal hair! Who's the nuisance now?" "We are!" Moron giggles. "Oh, yeah!" Midge grunts. Far below, the doorbell rings. Mange sends Midge off on Phoebe's dinner date "to keep up pretenses," while she and Moron hang back in the attic to work on spells.