Previously on Charmed: Whatever.
Darryl, who's been corporealized during the commercial break, skids face-first across the sandy floor of Stumpy the Dolt's bamboo octagon. The Valkyrie who shoved him flings a shield and a broadsword into the cage, then sprinkles some sparkly lavender mojo on the door. Over in the lowest row of the peanut gallery, Raige and Tin Tin spout words of encouragement while Piper eyes them with something approximating suspicion. Or maybe it's boredom. Who can tell at this point? Stumpy the Dolt enters the ring, and despite his stupid Greek helmet, you can tell he's as shocked and appalled by Phoebe's hair as the rest of us are. Or maybe he's just surprised to see the old folks from home on the Isle Of Dykes. It could go either way. "Okay," Raige too-loudly whispers to the Feebs, "I know how we're going to save [Stumpy], but how are we gonna save Morris?" "I have no idea," Tin Tin confesses. "That's why they call it 'winging it.'" Piper leans forward to ask, "What are you two talking about?" Phoebe brightly lies, "Nothing!" which elicits a sullen glare from Bride Of Strap-On. Meanwhile, Stumpy and Darryl have been warily circling each other. "What are you waiting for?" screams Bride Of Vaughn. "Attack!" Darryl obediently slams his broadsword against the Dolt's head with enough force to dislodge the stupid Greek helmet and send Stumpy spinning into the bars. Piper catches sight of his face and bleats, "[Dolt]?" Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band kicks in, alerting her to the fact that Piper's "pain" "is back again." "Do something!" she hisses at Raige. Raige thinks fast and catches Darryl's eye. "Kill him!" she perks. Yes! Kill the Dolt! Kill the Dolt! Whee!
Doesn't happen. Stumpy and Darryl kick and hack at each other for a bit before angrily tussling to the ground and rolling around in the sand. The Dolt manages to straddle poor Darryl -- yes, it's every bit as disgusting as it sounds -- and hisses, "Take the fall!" Darryl's all, "The hell?" so the Dolt head-butts him. Darryl decides he's over this whole bullshit scenario and drops his baby 'fro into the dirt. Stumpy leaps to his feet and makes with the triumphant and manly fist-pumping. Get over yourself, you simpering little pantywaist. The Brides Of Vaughn, Strap-On, and Riley are visibly displeased, so Raige launches into a hastily improvised apology for wasting their time "with such a weak warrior," and wonders if Vaughn would like her to "get rid of him" by banishing his spirit to the afterlife. Vaughn whatevers and rises to take her leave with Strap-On and Riley. As the other Valkyries in attendance file out of the chamber, Piper hustles over to the bamboo cage, gets all up in Stumpy's grill, and howls, "You left me, didn't you?" The Dolt responds by allowing a vapid, slack-jawed expression to cover his mug. At Tin Tin's prompting, Raige flings a vial of something or other at the cage's door, which emits a brief burst of smoke before swinging open. Stumpy collects Darryl from the sand and races out of the cave. Piper follows him with her eyes, her fury growing with each passing second.
Out in the open, Stumpy glances around for a moment before giving the Valkyried Ps the all clear. Just as Raige prepares to open up a crappy green digital overlay in the nearby underbrush, Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band boots Tin Tin in the kidneys. The Feebs immediately doubles over in agony as the enraged Piper storms onto the path. "It's Piper!" Phoebe gasps, gripping Raige's arm for support. "Her heart is breaking." Stumpy crosses to the ex and promises to explain everything once they get home. For now, though, they need to focus on getting the hell off the island. "'Home'?" Piper shrieks. "We don't have a home! You left us!" "I had no choice!" he insists, and then gets fresh with the exposition. "I became an [ever-useless] Elder. It's not something I wanted -- it's something that just happened." "Yeah, see, I know all of this," Piper snots. "Why didn't I remember it?" Why can't I forget it? We all have our problems, Piper. Suck it up and deal already. The Dolt clues her in on the golden glowy mojo he deployed in last season's finale, justifying his actions by pointing out that Piper's "anger almost destroyed a city" and that her "pain almost destroyed [her]." It doesn't matter -- Piper's totally not having it, and, struggling to hold back a sudden rush of tears as the full implications of the Dolt's betrayal wash over her, she waveringly bleats, "So you took my feelings away?" Damn, but she's good when the mood strikes her. With that one line, she just out-acted everything that came before this point from everyone else in the cast. She needs to bail on this mess along with Rose McGowan. Especially if the wardrobe department continues to insist on making her seem so hippy. Of all the miniskirted and boobslinged women in this episode, she easily looks the worst. I don't know if it's because she's short-waisted or what, but in that Valkyriewear, Holly's backside is as broad as a barn. Not good.
Also not good? La Milano's impending antics. In fact, said antics could be described as criminal, but I'll let you decide for yourself. The Dolt babbles excuses for his behavior, but Piper just clenches her jaw and shakes her head silently, dropping her eyes to the ground to avoid looking at him. Would that the last option were available to me. Stumpy grimaces and turns to join Raige and Darryl on the main path. Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band kicks in again as Piper shoots a supremely foul look at the Dolt's retreating figure, and -- get this -- Phoebe rises from her pained crouch to sneer at her former brother-in-law. "You bastard!" La Milano cries, launching into a tiradey monologue that by all rights belongs to Combs, who really is the only woman present who could make it work. "How dare you do this to me?" La Milano demands. "To our son?" Raige's eyes widen in horrified disbelief as she backs away from the scene-snatching diva who advances upon the Dolt to continue, "We had a life together -- a family -- and you deshtroyed it! You deshtroyed ME!" That's not a typo -- La Milano Lizaed a "sh" into the middle of that word. And, as always, Phoebe manages to take one of her sisters' personal crises and make it all about her. "You left me alone to raise our son by myself! How could you do this? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?" STOW IT ALREADY, YOU FUCKING HAG.
Phoebe then "belts" the Dolt a couple of times in the jaw. Unfortunately, Krause's reaction head-snaps are a titch off, and the Foley boys pummeled the Naugahyde a little too enthusiastically in the editing bay, so what might have been a highlight-reel-worthy example of Dolt abuse ends up coming across as terribly false. Also, the captioning would have us believe La Milano's screaming, "You hurt me, you son of a bitch!" while she's smacking up the Dolt, but she's actually grunting like a hog. Darryl and Raige, incidentally, have figured what's really going on during all of this, and there's a lovely shot of Rose McGowan sending sympathetic vibes in Piper's direction. In any event, Phoebe continues beating Stumpy until her connection with Piper's emotions abruptly shorts out. "I can't feel Piper anymore," she wheezes as she turns to gaze at Piper's oddly blank face. Meanwhile, a trio of warrior-types, alerted by Phoebe's hammy shrieking, has abandoned its campfire and is now racing towards the group. Raige summons the crappy green digital overlay and urges the others to hustle through before they're captured. Piper refuses to budge, so Phoebe ditches her. Jesus. Christ! You could've had Darryl sling her over one of his shoulders and carry her back to the city, you stupid bitch. I can't decide if Phoebe's a selfish shrew, a fucking moron, or some hateful combination of both in this scene, but oh my God, I hate her.
Whatever. Tin Tin, Stumpy, Raige, and Darryl dart into the crappy green digital overlay and vanish. Unfortunately, before the crappy green digital overlay closes, the trio of warrior-types charges through after them. The Brides of Riley, Vaughn, and Strap-On jiggle up to stare at Piper. Piper mildly appraises each of them in return to end what in syndication will be the pre-credits sequence.
Back in the inviting and neon-lit alleyway from the end of the first hour, that luckless Chinese gangsta remains handcuffed in the back seat of Darryl's car. Heh. The crappy overlay opens at the far end of the alley to disgorge our four intrepid ocean-hoppers. The Manor morons immediately orb back to the house for a processing summit, leaving Corporealized Darryl to negotiate the reunification with his comatose body alone. Corporeal Darryl gingerly approaches Coma Darryl before falling right into his own chest. Reconstituted Darryl's eyes snap open, and he gleefully leaps to his feet, patting himself down to make sure everything's in its proper place. I have no idea why I find that bit so amusing. Stop looking at me like that. Darryl's elation is short-lived, however, for the crappy overlay reopens to vomit out the pursuing warriors. Larry, Curly, and Moe glare for a very long moment before the shot cuts abruptly to Darryl flying through the air to smack into his car's back window. Darryl then slowly and squeakily slides down said window to settle on the trunk, just like the frogs in Magnolia. Hee. The handcuffed gangsta gawps as The Three Stooges race out into the street.
Manor. Raige and Stumpy orb into the parlor with Tin Tin. The Blue Light Special's glissading shriek alerts Big Gay Chris to their return, and he darts in from the hall with, "Jeez, it's about time." "I was starting to get wo-" -- and here he spots his deadbeat dad -- "wo-where's Piper?" Snicker. "You son of a bitch!" sneers the Dolt before planting his fist in Chris's face. One, that's no way to treat your son, and two, just wait 'til I tell Piper you called her a bitch, asswipe. The force of the punch slams Chris into the wall. The Dolt latches onto his son's zippered hoodie as he grits, "Why did you do it?" "Do what?" Chris asks, all innocent-like. The Dolt hoists Chris into the air and hurls him into back-flip over one of the armchairs. Chris's head too-realistically cracks into a sideboard as he crashes to the floor, and I wince in spite of myself. As Raige orders the Dolt to knock it off, Chris tries to orb out of the room. The Dolt snatches Chris's orb cloud and pitches it right into Piper's Mysterious Curio Cabinet Of Tacky Marital Memorabilia, which instantly shatters apart upon impact. The framed wedding photo brain-wiped Piper examined so carefully in the last episode skitters across the carpet, its glass split by a single crack that appears to slice through both the Dolt's head and Piper's heart. I'd call that anvilicious, but the image flashes by far too quickly for most people to notice -- you'd really have to pause the tape to see it. Also, that orb-grabbing bit? Awesome. Brav. O. It's the best effect of the evening. In fact, this entire sequence was well-choreographed. Pity it took up less than thirty seconds of airtime.
As the brutalized Chris reforms in the wreckage of Piper's Mysterious Curio Cabinet, Phoebe physically restrains the Dolt, shouting, "Enough! This hostility is killing me!" If only. And it's All About You again, huh? Zip it, sow. "You didn't tell them, did you?" pisses the Dolt. Big Gay Chris slowly rises to his feet, and oh my God! He looks like he's going to cry! Awwww. Poor Big Gay Chris. Here. Let Demian make it all better for you.
Sigh.
Anyway, as has been pointed out on the forums, that specific reaction to the Dolt's beatdown lends credence to the idea that Big Gay Chris is the adult version of The Done One. Like I said at the end of last season, I hope that's true, but I doubt they'd go there on this show. It's just far too complicated for Charmed. In any event, the rest of the scene plays out as follows: The Dolt tosses accusations at his son, Big Gay Chris sasses back at his dad out of hurt and shame, and Phoebe and Raige defend their nephew's honor against their ex-brother-in-law's attacks. The gals yank off their respective jade pendants in unison, flare back into their normal clothes, and head off to the attic to abuse the Book of Shadows in hope of finding some way to rescue Piper from the Isle Of Dykes.
Isle Of Dykes. Bride Of Riley passes a hand in front of Piper's face in some sort of lesbionic mind-meld, and announces, "She's Valkyrie, but it's not pure. Deep inside, I sense --" "Witch?" Strap-On snaps through fifteen layers of navy-blue mascara and a pair of glossy, collagen-enhanced lips. "Yes," Riley admits. "I told you," Strap-On snits. "She came with the other witches. She has to be one, too." "She wouldn't be the first witch to convert," Vaughn notes, "and if she has, we've gained a powerful sister." Should I be worried that the lesbians are talking about "converting" Piper? Or am I reading too much into this dialogue? What? I am reading too much into it? Okay, we'll go with that. For now. Just keep in mind this show's historically insulting treatment of queer characters, okay? A supposedly ominous conversation follows, in which the Brides speak of "taking care of the problem" -- said problem being, of course, Phoebe and Raige's knowledge of the Isle Of Dykes' existence. They also fret about the horrors The Three Stooges might perpetrate on the outside world. Yeah, pie-throwing's pretty reprehensible, isn't it? Piper, who's remained silent during all of this, finally rises to speak. If the Stooges don't take care of the Manor Ps, she asserts with unnerving amounts of calm, "we will." DUN! Or maybe not. It sure seems like a DUN!, though, don't you think? Oh, screw it. This premiere pureed my brain into oatmeal three days ago, and I really can't be bothered to care anymore. DUN! it is.
Murder and mayhem erupt when the Three Stooges barge in on a truck-jacking and slaughter everyone involved. Scene. No, really -- that's all that happened.
Back at the Manor, the Dolt's finally traded that ludicrous gladiator skirt for a pair of jeans. However, now that I've noticed how short his legs are, I can't stop looking at them. Somebody shoot me in the eye. Anyway, the kids are all up in the attic, where Stumpy and Chris busily bicker about how best to save Piper. Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band kicks in, so she snarls, "Would you knock it off? I'm still reeling from Piper's emotions. I don't need this!" Hate. Her. Only Phoebe could take a power like empathy and proceed to make each and every goddamned thing All About Her All. The Fucking. Time. Instead of smacking his selfish hag of an aunt in the teeth, Big Gay Chris meekly apologizes. Dude. You blew up your own stupid father. I know you can give this wench the violent mangling she so richly deserves, so what the hell are you waiting for? Do it! He doesn't listen to me. Sigh. I hope you realize how difficult you're making it for me to love you, Chris.
Evidently, Phoebe and Raige have decided to reverse Raige's backfiring memory spell from the hour. The sight of the Dolt in his ridiculous warrior garb was enough to shock Piper out of the mojo he'd worked on her, but Raige's still-active spell has allowed Piper to retreat into a Valkyrie identity. Said identity is a perfect way for Piper to flee from herself because, as Chris puts it, Valkyries are "always in control" of their emotions in order "to serve the greater good." "They don't have to deal with pain or loss," he adds. Which, Phoebe notes, is precisely why they must "make Piper believe she's Piper again." "If we don't get her back mentally," she argues, "it doesn't matter if we get her back physically." Raige reminds everyone that Piper wasn't exactly all there before Raige unleashed her wacky memory spell. The Dolt buhs?, so Raige is forced to reveal that the Dolt's glowy mojo only served to make Piper "incessantly, increasingly, annoyingly chipper." The Dolt explains that it "was supposed to make [Piper] feel less pain," and that in his unexpected absence, his spell must have made Piper "happier and happier." "No," Raige disagrees curtly. "Psychotically chipper." Heh. "Way to go," Chris smirks, making with the sarcastic clapping. Hee! See? Dolt-bashing is fun!
Phoebe gripes that Big Gay Chris's sarcasm is giving her a migraine or something, then shrews, "I swear, my new power is going to drive! Me! Crazy!" Suffer, bitch. Your new power sent me around the bend sixty minutes ago when you first used it on Dipshit, and I'm running out of nasty names to hurl in your direction, you irritating twit. Jesus! I'm never going to make it through the season, am I? At the rate it's going, this show is going to kill me by November sweeps. The Cook County medical examiner is going to find me crumpled on the floor of my apartment with what remains of my scattered brain splattered all over the wall from where it shot out of my ear, and on the TV? An endless, Satanic loop of Phoebe Halliwell babbling, "Me. Me me me me. Me? Me! MEEEEEEEE!" GOD! ANY-way, the Dolt assures the Feebs that with patience, she'll soon get a handle on her new abilities. Despite this, Phoebe still harbors some doubts, and I'd gloss over this bit of the conversation were it not for the unexpected mention of The Late Lamented by name. "I remember Prue almost being destroyed that time she was an empath." Nice of the Feebs to bring that up. Not so nice of her to remember it wrong. By the end of that episode, Prue had so mastered the power of empathy, she used it to off the demon of the week. Shut up, Phoebe.
Whatever. The four blather for a bit more before the doorbell rings below. Oscar The Raige-Humping Dog trots into the attic to yip at Raige's feet. Dolt-related canine hijinks ensue, but you'll have to look elsewhere for the details. It's just too much for one recapper to bear. Phoebe and Raige skitter downstairs to find a battered Darryl on their doorstep. "I think I just got attacked by Attila the Hun," he mopes. Raige and Phoebe gape.
Isle Of Dykes. Strap-On motors on up to Vaughn, Riley, and Piper with some alarming Stooge news. The warriors have "turned off their locators" -- something they've been instructed to do only during "the final battle between good and evil" -- and have slaughtered "civilians" in San Francisco. Piper immediately offers her city-smarts to help track down the Stooges, and we head into the break with Strap-On shooting Our Dear Piper a scorching, distrustful side-eye. Strap-On. Darling. What's your damn problem? Lighten up already!
Manor. The Dolt applies the tingly touch to Darryl's scratched-up face, which presently heals. Darryl informs the others of The Three Stooges' presence in the city. The gang decides to split up, both to search for The Stooges and to figure out another way to get Piper off Dyke Island. To these ends, Darryl heads back to Trudeau Memorial, Phoebe exits for the paper, and the Dolt orbs out with Chris, bound for parts unknown. Oh, yeah -- almost forgot: Raige bolts to return Oscar The Raige-Humping Bulldog to his rightful owners. So nice to see she has her priorities in order.
Isle Of Dykes. Oh, God, this scene is dumb. And pointless. So dumb and pointless, in fact, that I completely forgot about it the second it ended, and am thus now surprised to find it unreeling once more upon my television screen. Long story short, the Dolt drags Big Gay Chris into the cave, learns from some random (albeit attractive) warrior-type that Piper and the Brides already left for San Francisco, and shoves Chris into the bamboo pen for a swordfight. You can see why I retained no memory of it. By the way, Krause pronounces "Freyja" as "Frayzhuh," which makes him sound like my dad talking about Kelsey Grammer. There's a single moment of significance during this entire sequence: The Dolt pins Big Gay Chris to the sand and presses the tip of the broadsword against his neck. Big Gay Chris splutters, "You can't kill me! I'm a Whitelighter!" to which the Dolt retorts, "Oh, yeah? Then why are you sweating?" Because he's your son, asshole. Get off him already. Jesus. Also, Big Gay Chris has a teeny little scar on the bottom of his chin. Then again, I already knew that, because I married him in Toronto last June, and husbands tend to know about each other's teeny little scars long before the wedding. Sigh.
San Francisco City Proper, Truck-Jacking Gone Horribly Awry Division. Cops snap evidence photos and string crime scene tape as Piper and the Brides emerge from a crappy green digital overlay set discreetly off to one side. Piper offers to scry for The Stooges, so Bride Of Vaughn summons a bloody dagger from one truck-jacking corpse's chest. Just then, some bald biker jackass with a handlebar mustache and filthy clothes ambles out of a nearby watering hole to deploy the Warrior Princess cracks I started making an hour and a half ago -- to wit: "What, is there a Xena convention in town or something?" Shut it, moron. Vaughn orders him to his knees. "I got a better idea," he leers. "How about you get on your knees instead?" Yes, gentle reader, training a runty little bulldog to hump Rose McGowan's leg wasn't enough for Brad Kern; nor were the numerous scenes of scantily-clad Amazons stroking each other while sweaty men wrestled in a nearby ring of bamboo. He went that extra mile for us and inserted an explicit blowjob reference into this episode. And that's why we love him so much. Right?
Scumbag.
Strap-On subdues the tasteless bald man with some telekinetic mojo until Piper puts a stop to it by reminding the Brides that the real world follows a different set of rules. The tasteless bald man angrily stomps back into the bar and soon emerges with a posse of biker pals, all spoiling for a fight. One of them's a chick who looks just like Joey Ramone. That's got to hurt. Piper eyes the group and murmurs, "You know, I have an idea of how we can blend in better," and anyone who's seen the Terminator movies knows exactly where they're going with this.
But I bet no one was expecting a Wagner reference, were they? Yes, we don't see the subsequent battle, but as the shot cuts to Piper's leg cranking down on her stolen motorcycle's vroom-vroom thingy, an appalling, guitar-heavy version of "The Ride Of The Valkyries" assaults the soundtrack. I just…this is…I can't…I don't…oh, fuck it. The Dykes On Bikes zoom out into the street past a stunned Darryl, who's shocked to recognize Piper as one of the fierce leather-clad lesbians.
And you can all shut up about "vroom-vroom thingy" right now. Like I know from motorcycles.
The Bay Mirror. Phoebe slams through the swinging doors, cell phone pressed to her ear. She goofs about Darryl's news regarding Piper for a bit, then immediately hangs up on him when she spots Chronic ambling into the main room from his office. Rude little goat. Also: Wow. Chronic's looking a little puffy. Maybe he should lay off the bong for a while. Chronic strides over and plants a big, sloppy wet one on the Feebs as the camera shoots into a dizzying, swirling spin around them. Why the editors didn't just go ahead and add little cartoon hearts dancing around their heads, I'll never know. Various reporters gaze on in stunned silence and sickened disbelief. Maybe I'm projecting a little with that. Phoebe's Fucking Backup Band kicks in, and oh, this is just vile. Phoebe and Chronic stagger into his office, where they mack on each other some more, without closing the goddamned door, so everyone in the office can see what's going on and hear Phoebe loudly refer to Chronic's apparently palpable arousal. This is a massive lawsuit just waiting to happen, and I'm not talking about Phoebe's coworkers hauling her slutty ass into court for creating a hostile working environment. No, I'm talking about me filing a staggering class-action suit against Spelling Productions and the WB for subjecting the viewing public to this revolting display. Why? WHYYYYYY? After endless shots of panting and groping and gasping and tongues and lips and oh my God I want to die and it's never going to end it's never going to end it's never ever going to STOP PAWING HER TITS, Chronic finally notices everyone staring at them so he shuts the door and that's the end of the scene and I never, EVER want to look at something like that AGAIN.
Meanwhile, The Three Stooges gut an entire chop shop of auto mechanics. The Dykes On Bikes tool in, dismount, and order The Stooges back to Valhalla. "What do you think?" Curly asks. "I think the enemy wears many masks," gravelly-voiced Moe replies. The Stooges raise their swords and charge straight into the commercial break.
And we're back. Raige and her leg-humping bulldog wander down the sidewalk. Raige has her temp agency boss on the phone, and she's…you know what? Fuck it. This is an absolutely pointless and insulting subplot, made all the worse by the crappy special effects that pop up when the leg-humping bulldog starts talking to her. (Seriously, it's like Baby Bob here, people.) Long story short, once Raige accepts that she received her dog-walking assignment to serve somehow the greater good, Oscar The Raige-Humping Bulldog reveals he's actually a human who's been cursed by an evil witch. Raige wings the following spell:
I call upon the Halliwells,
I call our powers to undo this spell:
Make right again, that we must --
Reverse the curse that made this mutt.
And Oscar morphs into Joe Millionaire. That's it. Well, that and this horribly embarrassing admission: I think Evan Marriott's kind of hot. Shut up.
EW. Back at The Mirror, Chronic and the Feebs emerge from behind his desk. They're sweaty, rumpled, and half-naked. Yes, they did it on the floor. WITH FIFTY PEOPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR. Whatever! Fast-forward. Fast-forward. Fast-forward. Oh, hello, Raige. You're here to drag Phoebe off to find Piper? How lovely! Yes, let's go!
Chop Shop. Piper and the Brides engage The Three Stooges in hand-to-hand combat. This fight goes on for a good four minutes, and half of that time is devoted to excruciatingly dull slow-motion shots. Really, guys, if you don't have enough material for a double episode, don't make a double episode. Squeeze it into one hour, for God's sake. Anyway. Eventually, Raige orbs in with Phoebe. The two note Piper's improved fighting skills with delight, until Piper decides to use those skills on them. Phoebe shouts for Raige to recite the reversal spell, which reads as follows:
Spell was cast,
Now make it pass:
Remove it now,
Don't ask me how.
You were up all night hashing out this situation, and that's the best you could do? Raige, honey. You're not even trying anymore. Piper agrees, and smacks Raige against a chain-link storage area with a bit of Valkyriean telekinesis, so offensive is the tawdry verse. Phoebe, panicked, babbles some new-age crap about owning your emotions, so Piper spins around and plants a hefty boot in the Fun Bags. Hooray! Phoebe joins Raige on the concrete just as Darryl squeals up in a squad car. He shouts, "Police! Drop your weapons!" and trains his service revolver on the Brides plus Curly and Moe. Crafty Larry, lurking on the other side of the room, flings a dagger end-over-end at Darryl's baby 'fro. Piper instinctively tosses out a freeze. Darryl s-l-o-w-l-y turns around and goes cross-eyed staring at the frozen dagger's tip hovering inches away from the bridge of his nose. Heh. This halt in the action allows Vaughn enough time to open a crappy green overlay in the middle of the garage. The instantly sheepish Stooges meekly pass through it, followed by the Brides. The last, Strap-On, urges Piper to hurry. See how she trusts Piper now? Aw. Not. After a pensive beat, Piper jogs through the portal and into the final commercial break.
Manor sun porch. Phoebe and Raige confer with the Dolt and Big Gay Chris, who have just returned from an audience with the ever-useless Elders. Just how useless are those Elders this evening? They believe that a demon banished the Dolt to Valhalla, and they're fairly certain there might maybe be a fifty-fifty chance Phoebe's new power could possibly be of use in saving Piper, but only if it's used correctly, which they don't know how to do. Tools. Fortunately, my pretty pretty husband is there to set things right. "Isn't there a spell in the Book that allows somebody to feel what you feel?" he asks. "Which in this case," he adds, turning to Phoebe, "would be Piper feeling what you're feeling Piper should be feeling." Pause. "Did that make any sense?" "Frighteningly, it did," Raige admits, then wonders, "What about that spell I used last year on Cole? I could reword it for Piper." Chris reminds them that it won't be easy to get close enough for the spell to work. Phoebe glumly agrees, then stumbles upon a brilliant plan. "Our powers are emotion-based," she reasons. "If I can channel Piper's feelings, why can't I channel her powers, and then use them against her?" Everyone thinks this is a good idea, instead of realizing that Phoebe's a sociopathic attention whore and needs to be packed off to an asylum.
Isle Of Dykes. Raige orbs into some azaleas with the Feebs, and the two emerge onto the path directly behind Piper. Piper immediately slams Raige to the ground with some VTK. "Why does she always pick on me first?" Raige pouts, and quite honestly, that's a damn good question. Piper and Phoebe are always kicking Raige's ass on this show. Just one more reason for you to quit, Rose. As if the stupid leprechauns, the assy nymrods, the fucking unicorn, and that goddamned leg-humping bulldog weren't enough. Oh, and then there's Phoebe's brand-new Fucking Backup Band. That would get me to break a contract, crippling financial penalties be damned. The Backup Band is getting quite a workout in this scene, what with all the channeling of emotions that's required for Phoebe to swipe Piper's VTK so she can knock Piper to the ground over and over and over again. Once Piper finally seems down for the count, Raige whips out a slip of paper and recites the following:
Open Piper's heart to reveal
That part which only Phoebe feels.
Send it back from whence it came,
But don't protect her from the pain.
A spray of twinkly red lights erupts from the Fun Bags, barrels down the island path, and nails Piper in the chest. She grunts from the impact, then rises to stand stock-still in something approximating shock as various Valkyries arrive to witness the end of the scene. "Did they hurt you?" asks Bride Of Vaughn. "No," Piper admits. "They helped me." She takes a few hesitant, measured steps towards the Brides and her sisters, then quickens her pace after she makes a silent decision. "I know what you do here -- I understand its purpose -- so you can trust that your secret is safe," she assures Vaughn before shifting her focus to Phoebe and Raige. "But I think it's time for me to go home." Smiles all around. Shut up, Phoebe.
The Bay Mirror, that evening. Phoebe phones Chronic from the exterior hallway. Relationship chatter. Whatever. These people need to die. Chronic's going back to Hong Kong for a bit, and would very much like to stick it into Phoebe one more time before he leaves. Phoebe begs off, because her new powers are making her crazy. Of course, she doesn't actually say this to him, but that's the gist of it. Scene.
Manor. Big Gay Chris is on his knees in the parlor, sweeping up the sad, shattered remains of his mother's Mysterious Curio Cabinet Of Tacky Marital Memorabilia. Raige enters in a backless, strapless, short, tight purple dress. Nice color on her, actually, but those red pumps have got to go. She offers to help Chris tidy up in the morning, but he insists he do it himself as penance for fighting with the Dolt. Phoebe enters, and true to form, she's all, "My boss, my new power, my job, my life, my horny men, my boobs, me, me, me, me, me. ME!" Raige tolerates this for about three seconds, then bails to hook up with Joe Millionaire. Of course, she doesn't explain that Oscar's now human, so Phoebe and Big Gay Chris think Raige is fucking a dog.
Bridal Boudoir. Piper dandles Tiny Gay Chris on her knee. The Dolt raps on the door, wondering if he's allowed to enter. Piper lets him in and passes Tiny Chris to his worthless deadbeat of a father. After a bit of the "He's getting so big!" nonsense from the Dolt, they place Tiny Chris in his playpen, and proceed to scar him for life by ending their marriage right in front of him. No, seriously. Piper basically tells the Dolt to shove off, mainly because she's sick and tired of him running off to do his job all the time, but also because she's realized -- finally -- that she can't be married to "an angel" and still have that normal life she's been bitching about since day one. The Dolt agrees it's for the best, pats Tiny Gay Chris on his head, and orbs up to Whitelighterland. The camera lingers on Piper's uncertain face, then tracks back through the room and out the mullioned window, craning upwards a bit to isolate Piper in the single pane of clear glass before fading to black.
Well. That blew.
week, Tiny Gay Chris unleashes a fire-breathing dragon upon the people of San Francisco. As if Michael Savage weren't bad enough. See you there!