A bit of advice: Never read Charmed spoilers while watching Johnny Depp's From Hell right before you go to bed, lest you, too, dream you've escorted Piper to a friendly neighborhood tavern where she does nothing but bitch about the rubbery potato skins while a psychotic serial killer lures Phoebe to her doom. And I only ordered the damn potato skins because Piper wanted them! I mean, corner bar potato skins? Ew! What was she thinking? Of course, the whole Phoebe's-Doom bit was immensely entertaining, but Piper, honey? time you invade my dreams to suck down a pitcher of mai tais on my dime, would it kill you to pretend you're having fun?
Fade up on a tiny cottage that's packed to its rafters with cats. You'll recognize the human wrangling them all for dinner as Nancy from Groundhog Day, mainly because Groundhog Day's been in heavy rotation as programming filler on TNT for the last decade. I mean, "Nancy" certainly wasn't a pivotal character in the movie, but the second I saw Marita Geraghty's face, I thought, "You make noises like a chipmunk when you're excited, right?" Then I thought, "Gobbler's Knob," and snickered for a good five minutes. On Palm Sunday, no less! If I end up spit-shining Satan's hooves after I'm dead, I'll be placing the blame for it all squarely upon Brad Kern's perverse shoulders. Jackass. Anyway, as Nancy sets down a bowl of cat slop for her frenzied felines, the unfortunate Zachary Quinto blinks into her outdoor garden to glare at her through the window. I say "unfortunate" not because of the hideous bowl assaulting his head -- though said bowl cut certainly isn't helping matters -- but rather because some idiot PA neglected to include his name in the credits for this episode. Get a good lawyer, Zack. There's a sweet breach-of-contract settlement waiting for you somewhere.
Anyway, Nancy senses Zack's eyes boring into the back of her skull, and tenses as the scattered kitties yowl and screech. Dagger in hand, Zack blinks into the room behind her, and offers Nancy a mocking "Meow." Nancy whips around and slices open a jagged series of gashes on his cheek with her fingernails. Zack retaliates by hacking at her neck with his dagger. There's a decided lack of arterial spray, but he does manage to slice through the cord of her pendant, which drops to the carpet at her feet. Marita's stunt double then somersaults over Zack's head to plant a low-heeled pump in his back, booting him into the kitchen counter. Zack takes out a couple of wicker bar stools before collapsing to the floor. "Now!" Nancy hisses as she darts from the room, and we enter the When Cats Attack! portion of tonight's festivities. Furballs fly through air to land on Zack's chest, in which they promptly embed their claws. There's one hysterical shot of a ginger-haired feline hurtling over the back of the couch like it's some sort of kittenish ninja kamikaze. After a bit of this, the cats disperse, and Zack staggers to his feet to find himself alone in the room. He spots Nancy's pendant on the rug and picks it up to examine the trinket's engraved symbol. A metallic triquatra fills the screen before…
…cross-fading to the embroidered triquatra on The Done One's blue blanket over at the Manor. The Percolated Infant wriggles and squirms as Raige asks Phoebe, "So, Piper was engaged before [the Dolt]?" "To a warlock," Phoebe confirms. Raige gapes. "Dan was a warlock?" No, Raige. Dan was a greasy bohunk with a preadolescent shrew masquerading as his niece. Jeremy was the warlock, and Piper was never engaged to him, but what the hell. As we shall see, they've managed to construct a clip show wherein the clips have been manipulated to screw Continuity up the ass, so why quibble about dating terms? Phoebe notes that Jeremy came along way before the Greasy Bohunk entered their lives -- "two bankers, [an unrecapped] rock climber, and a ghost" before Dan Dan The Pomade Man, to be precise. "Now that is what I'd call 'critical sisterly information,'" Raige gripes. "How can I be petty and judgmental without all the info?" Hey! Was that a slam, missy? Because if it was, let me tell you something: It's pretty damn easy to be petty and judgmental without all the info when I'm watching you get moist over a fucking midget, so shut it, okay?
Phoebe briefly waxes nostalgic for those carefree days before she had Prue whacked. Her monologue grinds to a halt, however, when the shrill sounds of Piper's incessant bitching invade the room. "That is not what happened and you know it," Piper shrieks. "That's exactly what happened," the Dolt snaps back, "and it's happened before." The Doltine Cracker rolls his wee eyes and groans. Word, Cracker. Word. Phoebe and Raige hustle into the hallway to gawp as the bickering marrieds trade acrimonious accusations and insults. Seems Piper mocked the Dolt that evening at a dinner party held by one of Piper's seldom-seen "friends." Piper denies ever having mocked at the Dolt in front of anyone. The camera angle switches as the Dolt spins around for a rebuttal, so it seems like he's sneering directly at me. "You always mock me." Damn straight, you tool. "I get no respect!" You don't deserve any, pantywaist, so shut your cakehole. This is fun! "Don't you dare walk away from me again!" Piper growls as the worthless Dolt huffs off into the Bridal Boudoir, slamming the door behind him. "I mean it!" she howls, jabbing at the air with a peevish finger. The Bridal Boudoir's wall instantly erupts into a cloud of splinters and dust in an enormous explosion. Yes! Piper's jaw drops before she snatches the offending digit back against her chest. "Whoa," breathes the Feebs as Raige arches a stunned brow. Piper nervously glances around all, "Massive structural damage! What massive structural damage?" as we blow into the opening credits. Heh.
Manor, the following morning. Piper stands in her pyjamas in the upstairs hall, gazing ruefully at the wrecked Boudoir wall. Phoebe and Raige hustle her downstairs for a processing summit with the Dolt, who spent the evening on the parlor couch. I must say, Phoebe's looking lovely tonight. She's wearing a soft, sleeveless, cream-colored low-cut blouse over proper foundation garments, along with a fetching coral choker and lightly applied makeup, and she's pulled her hair back into a white snood. I'm digging the snoods, people. Something about the forties hairstyles really suits Alyssa Milano's face. In any event, the gist of the conversation is that Piper and the Dolt's marital problems have spilled over to affect Piper's powers, and thus are now negatively impacting the Power of Three. Phoebe's called in a favor from a marriage counselor she consults for her advice column, and Piper and the Dolt are to spend the afternoon in the shrink's care, hashing out whatever issues they currently have. The Dolt protests that he can't "spill his guts to a mortal," but Phoebe and Raige insist.
Piper, who's remained silent through much of this, ambles over to a never-before-seen display case of wedding paraphernalia and scans the various mementos contained therein. Her eyes linger on a bride-and-groom wedding-cake ornament placed with suspicious prominence at the front of the cabinet before she turns to agree with her sisters' plan. "Although I don't know realistically how much we're gonna accomplish in one day," she adds skeptically. "So use magic," Phoebe urges. "Don't worry about the consequences -- you've already got 'em, in spades." Say it with me, gang: This should work out well. Not. Raige reveals that Darryl's agreed to baby-sit, so there's nothing keeping Piper and the Dolt from heading into therapy. Except for the Dolt's shockingly appropriate aversion to the idea, of course. It's a wonder anyone on the writing staff remembered the character is, after all, part of a generation raised to distrust analysis. Phoebe gives the pair a little pep talk, arguing that they "owe it to [themselves]" "after all [they've] been through" to take a little time out for professional help. Piper receives this all rather mildly, but the Dolt's pouty-face is monstrous. Shut it, git.
Meanwhile, Zack's apparently spent the night ransacking Nancy's house in search of her scrying tools, which he finally discovers at the bottom of a drawer. He smears the crystal with a bit of her blood from his dagger, then waves the thing over a map of the city while muttering, "Here, kitty kitty." The crystal presently slams down on a set of unspecified coordinates that appear to be in the general area of Russian Hill Park. "Gotcha," Zack breathes.
The Bay Mirror. Raige arrives at Phoebe's office to fret about Piper and the Dolt's current predicament for a moment until Phoebe's cell phone chirps. Noting that the call's originating from the Manor, Phoebe picks up to tease, "Piper! What are you still doing at home?" "It's not Piper," Nancy replies with more than a hint of urgency in her voice. "I'm an innocent," she continues as the camera switches back over to the house to reveal Nancy frantically riffling through the bathroom cabinets. Nancy tells Phoebe to hoof it back to the Manor pronto with Piper and Raige, as she's currently at the top of some warlock's hit list. "And bring [the Dolt]," Nancy adds, lightly fingering the gash in her neck. "I need healing." Phoebe warily plays dumb, but Nancy's not having it. "Where's the disinfectant?" she demands. "Didn't it used to be kept in Prue's bathroom?" Oh, that's just uncalled for. Like Prue was in greater need of industrial-strength antibacterials than her trampy youngest sister. Whatever! Phoebe hesitantly admits that they've transferred the disinfectant to the kitchen as Raige whispers, "What's going on?" The shot switches to Cabinet Cam in time for Nancy to finish, "Hurry, please! Before he kills me!" She slams the cabinet shut just as…
…Phoebe's therapist acquaintance opens his office door to greet Piper and the Dolt. The therapist's played by John Rubinstein, whom most of you will know as Linwood Murrow from Angel, but the guy's got an impressive list of television, stage, film, and composing credits that stretches back thirty-five years and includes a Tony Award for Children Of A Lesser God, so I'll be respectfully referring to him as Dr. Rubinstein. Thanks for asking. Piper titters nervously as she enters the dark book-lined office with her husband. They cross to the waiting leather sofa and plant themselves on opposite ends. The body language is pretty amusing -- Piper's turned slightly away from the Dolt with arms and legs tightly crossed, while the Dolt's affected a more affable, open-to-the-possibilities slouch that's betrayed by the pinched snappishness in his tone of voice. Awkwardness ensues. Piper and the Dolt disagree when asked if they've been bickering a lot lately, but do agree that their problems have nothing to do with The Percolated Infant. "Why don't you tell me about your childhood?" Dr. Rubinstein encourages as he leans forward to pour out a glass of water. Piper heaves a tremendously put-upon sigh and flicks out a freeze, sending the Dolt into an immediate and pissy tizzy. "You can't freeze the doctor!" he yelps. "He's on the clock!" Piper pffts and rises to announce that she'll be following Phoebe's ill-conceived advice and composing a spell to hurry things along. Otherwise, she snipes, they'll be spending their few years in therapy. The Dolt protests weakly for a bit, then caves.
Manor. Zack's blinked in to pimp-smack Nancy around the parlor. Just as he pins her against the wall to O.J. her throat with his dagger, Raige orbs in from The Bay Mirror with Phoebe in tow. Phoebe promptly latches onto a brass candlestick to brain Zack with the thing, and wow. That almost looked real. And very, very painful. Raige scampers over to Nancy to orb out through the ceiling as Zack drags Phoebe into a screamy, hair-pulling girl-fight on the floor.
The Prue Halliwell Memorial Bimbo Boudoir Of Paisley Tit Slings And Other Fashion Atrocities, currently occupied by Raige. Raige orbs in and eases Nancy onto the bed. "You okay?" Raige asks. "I'm fine," Nancy replies before adding with a proud smile, "You've really got that orbing thing down, don't you?" "Who are you?" Raige squints. "Someone from your past," comes the cryptic response.
Downstairs, Phoebe and Zack roll around on the dining room table before dropping out of the frame.
Doctor John's House Of Pain. The good doctor remains frozen as Piper explains she and the Dolt "have to make [their] memories real and everything around them real or [they're] never gonna get through this." Um. Okay. We'll go with that, I guess. Piper flicks open a Zippo and recites the following from the sheet of paper she holds in her hand:
Let the truth be told,
Let our lives unfold,
So we can relive our memories
And stop being enemies.
She lights the paper, which bursts into golden, sparkly flames and proceeds to burn all the way down to her fingertips before vanishing in a light puff of smoke. Piper flicks her wrist to break the freeze. "Do you smell something?" the good doctor asks, sniffing the air. "No. Look, we were thinking we'd skip the childhood part," Piper flatly states. Heh. "Just cut to the chase and get to us?" she prompts. Dr. Rubinstein's fine with that, and settles into his wingback to suggest that Piper and the Dolt begin with their memories of the first time they met. Piper, poker-faced, glances down at her lap as the Dolt smiles fondly at the memory. Zip it, wimp.
Manor. Phoebe's managed to gain the upper hand. She yanks Zack's arm behind his back and presses the dagger against his throat just as Raige orbs down from Prue Memorial. Phoebe makes with the "Who are you, and what do you want?" noise before all three vanish in a sudden blue flare…
…that dumps them onto the Manor's front porch. Zack wrests his dagger from Phoebe's fist and blinks out. Raige and Phoebe splutter in confusion for a beat before the Dolt calls out from within, "There's definitely something here, Miss Halliwell." "Definitely," Piper volleys back flirtatiously. Phoebe and Raige shoot each other suspicious side-eyes, then enter the foyer. Phoebe reels back in horror from the parlor doorway to flatten herself against the hall's wall. "You are not going to believe this!" she hisses to Raige. The two peek around the corner to find Season One versions of Piper and the Feebs leering in tandem at the Dolt's massive denim-clad ass. Raige, as sickened and repulsed by this development as I am, horks a hairball into the oncoming commercials.
An aside, if you'll bear with me: Yes, this episode is not much more than a glorified clip show, and yet I must admit that they've done a great job selecting clips that flow into one another rather smoothly. What's more, this evening's original material has been tailored to match. Shocking, I realize, and entirely unlike another clip show I could mention. Anyway, because of all this, I was going to paste in the original recap text for the various flashbacks. That was when I realized just how wildly the tone of the individual recaps varies. Besides, those snippets added up to about six pages of additional text, and Sars has better things to do with her time than plow through paragraphs she already edited three years ago. For all of these reasons, I'll be relying upon links where appropriate, while noting only those instances where the flashbacks differ from the originals. Your meek and mute acceptance of this arbitrary and tyrannical decision is appreciated.
Back from the break, Phoebe and Raige peek around the corner once more to eavesdrop on the flashback, and appear at the far side of the frame behind Season One Feebs. Applaud the effects staff for this one -- Phoebe and Raige's digitally inserted images have been blurred so that the two appear to be in the flashback's actual background. When S1 Feebs instructs the Dolt to think of Piper as his mother, what with the smothering offers of food and such, Raige shoots Phoebe a scorching side-eye that by all rights should boil the saline right out of her implants. Heh. As the flashback plays out, Phoebe and Raige tiptoe down the hallway, with Raige berating Phoebe for hitting on the Dolt way back in the day. Phoebe wrinkles her own nose in disgust at the memory -- HA! -- and suggests she and Raige abuse the Book of Shadows in hopes of figuring out an escape plan. They cower behind a plant as S1 Feebs and S1 Piper amble towards the stairs.
Over in the House Of Pain, Dr. Rubinstein's impressed with Piper and the Dolt's detailed recall of events five years in the past. The marrieds hem and haw and lame an excuse for their unusually impressive memories, then dissolve into another round of bickering when the Dolt claims Piper has "a bit of a temper." "I DO NOT!" Piper screams. "Oh no?" perks the Dolt.
Manor. Crouching Phoebe and Not-Terribly-Well-Hidden Raige flare out of the hall and into the darkened attic to duck down behind a hope chest. Dantalian materializes through the floorboards and strides over to fondle the altered Book of Shadows until Season Three Feebs boots her across the room. As Djb so succinctly put it the first time around, "Piper freezes one of the bitch's hands, and when [the bitch] won't cough up any relevant information, Piper smashes it right off. Kick-ass, yo." Behind the hope chest, Raige glares at Phoebe. "I was under a spell!" Phoebe stutters. Yeah. Right. It's never your fault. Got it. Hag. The flashback continues, with the S3 Dolt orbing in and Dantalian executing that excellent exit tumble of hers, before S3 Piper freezes the Dolt and S3 Feebs smashes him into bloody, chunky Dolt bits. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Slow-forward.
Doctor John's House Of Pain. Piper insists that she "shattered" the Dolt "metaphorically." Well, no. You didn't shatter the Dolt at all, now, did you? Your hag of a sister pulled off that particular Dolt Abuse coup, and WE ALL JUST WATCHED HER DO IT. Dr. Rubinstein suggests they "explore all of this a little more fully." What's to explore, Doc? The hacks writing these scripts can't maintain continuity from one goddamned scene to the . End of story! Is that so difficult to understand?
Whatever! We head back to the attic for a quick scene between Phoebe and Raige that establishes the following: The gals believe Zack is bouncing them around the Glamorous Ladies' shared timeline to get at Nancy, Raige remembers the anti-blinking potion Piper once concocted but she can't orb out of the Manor, Nancy's name is actually "Katrina," my sister Katrina files a defamation-of-character suit against Spelling Productions, my brother the one-woman cat shelter scribbles a fervent note of thanks to the production staff, and perhaps most improbably of all, Phoebe still looks fabulous.
Doctor John's House Of Pain. Piper's pacing the floor, ranting. "It seems like our entire relationship's been one big fight," she blurts. "And honestly? Sometimes I've wondered if we were really meant to be together at all." "Even on our wedding day," the Dolt agrees.
Manor. Phoebe and Raige flare out of the midnight attic and into the midday parlor just as S3 Feebs bellows, "Prue! Get yourastralassback here!" Raige and Phoebe hide in the parlor to eavesdrop on the wedding-related goings-on. Of all the flashbacks, this one's been most altered from its original form, and Alyssa Milano would like you to blame Shannen Doherty for that. We see "A.P. Prue" only from the back, all references to The Late Lamented's episode-specific woes have been excised from the dialogue, and they've gouged out all reminders of Special Ed Prue's physical presence in the parlor. Also, they've dubbed in another actor for Bobby Briggs's lines, Grams and Cole remain silent throughout, and Darryl's entirely MIA, save for his disembodied voice delivering his "head off the posse" line at the tail end of the clip. Finally, they inserted a shot of the wedding-cake ornament skittering across the floorboards after the cake itself topples to the ground. So much for Piper and the Dolt making their memories real. Still, it's nice to see Teeth! again after all this time, and Cole's just as tasty as I remember him. Then again, he hasn't been gone for very long, has he?
Meanwhile, Phoebe and Raige have sidled into the dining room to avoid the bridal party. Kit The Eerily Undead Transgender Familiar appears to mewl and rub up against Phoebe's shins. Phoebe grins affectionately and hoists the animal into the air to show Raige the ambiguous genitalia. I mean, "the triquatra collar." Just then, Zack blinks in, starts when he spots his fellow time-travelers, and takes a step back in surprise. His right heel crunches down on the wedding-cake ornament, splintering the thing to bits on the floor. Zack makes a quick "D'oh!" face and then blinks on out of there. "Okay, that was weird," Phoebe opines, dropping The Transsexual Zombie to the floor. She grabs Raige's hand to drag her off to the kitchen to whip up some Blink-Away, but Raige stands her ground. "Didn't he just change history?" she asks, pointing to the floor.
Doctor John's House Of Pain. Piper, in mid-sentence, inhales sharply and shoots forward in her seat while clutching at her chest as the camera zooms in towards her face. "What's the matter?" bleats the Dolt. "I just got a pain in my heart," Piper claims. Oh, gag. Like some cheap tchotchke the Feebs picked up at Wal-Mart is going to mean so goddamned much to your fucking marriage. No wonder you two are constantly on the brink of divorce.
The shot cuts back to the real Manor to zip over to Piper's Mysterious Curio Cabinet Of Tacky Marital Memorabilia. The wedding-cake ornament flares white and disintegrates from the top down. DUN!
Back from the break, Raige has finished the Blink-Away, which "poofs" agreeably on the stove. By the way, that American flag tacked onto the refrigerator wasn't there two years ago. Bad set decorators! Do it on the paper! What's that? Oh, leave me alone. If they can recycle entire scenes, I can recycle a bad joke or two. Or ten. Phoebe, meanwhile, has figured out that Piper's somehow responsible for the evening's events. "What's the common denominator?" Phoebe asks. "Piper and [the Dolt]," she continues, answering her own question. "Every past event has centered around them. They're taking a walk down memory lane -- literally." We know. Could you ladies now please hurry this along? I've got a deadline to meet. Raige, bless her, whatevers and corks both her potion vial and this entirely unnecessary round of exposition.
Doctor John's House Of Pain. The doc blathers about the "psychosomatic" effects involved when patients battle their "inner demons," before asking Piper to elaborate on when she first realized she was in love with the Dolt. Piper side-eyes the husband, who smiles wistfully. Cram it, monkey boy.
Over in the kitchen, Phoebe and Raige flare out, only to find themselves up in the attic witnessing Piper's healing scene from "Love Hurts," which happens to be one of the twelve first-season episodes not yet recapped. Shut up. I'll get to it sooner or later, but for now, no link for you. Also: Shit. I have to recap the goddamned flashback. Season One Dolt, blissfully unconscious yet disturbingly devoid of clothing from the waist up, has been stretched out on one of the attic divans. S1 Piper, distraught over the Dolt's imminent demise and her utter inability to prevent it, weeps bitter and frustrated tears as she rests a hand on his arm. One of her tears splashes onto that hand, which promptly glows yellow with the Whitelighter tingly touch. Long-term Charmed junkies will recall that a Darklighter kebabbed the Dolt earlier in this episode, and Piper cast a power-switching spell in hopes of reviving him. The spell inadvertently swapped Prue and Phoebe's powers as well, but while those ladies quickly accessed their respective new "triggers," Piper found herself unable to apply the tingly touch. Now, however, it's working, and as Piper professes her love for the moron, his sucking chest wound knits itself up. She pulls him into a desperate embrace and weeps, "I tried so hard and I couldn't make it work before -- why didn't you tell me?" "That love was the trigger?" he replies over her shoulder. "You had to find that out on your own." To quote Season Three Phoebe, "You had the answer all along? That's not help -- that's mind games." Word, Season Three Phoebe. Word. The Dolt asks Piper why she refused to cop to her love jones before, and Piper sniffles something about her abandonment issues before the two orb out, which did not happen in the original scene. Piper mastered the tingly touch alone out of all the Whitelighter powers she received in the swap, so she and the Dolt hobbled down the stairs after she healed him.
Whatever. Phoebe and Raige, misty-eyed from what they've just seen, emerge from their hiding place to stand in a lonely shaft of light adjacent to the Book. Damn. If the Dolt had problems with the in-laws constantly butting into his business before this episode, imagine what it's going to be like once he learns Phoebe and Raige are now privy to some of his most private memories. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.
Doctor John's House Of Pain. Dr. Rubinstein tells the Dolt that he's codependent. The Dolt buhs and sputters as Piper discreetly averts her eyes. Heh.
Attic. The Transsexual Zombie prances in, followed presently by Zack. "Quick!" shouts the Feebs. "Throw the potion!" Raige fumbles for the vial as Zack just rolls his eyes and mutters, "Don't bother." With that, Zack blinks out. Phoebe and Raige finally realize that Zack's actually after the mildly irritated she-male on the floor. Phoebe races to the Book and flips open to the entry on Familiars, which the Book defines as "enchanted creatures who follow and guide new witches to protect them while they learn the Craft." "While [Familiars] are often cats," the entry continues, "other animals like dogs, rabbits, horses, and snakes can be Familiars as well. Familiars are naturally attuned to the seasons and phases of the moon, and can be helpful in teaching the young witch a heightened awareness of her environment." Horses? Bwa! Where's Catherine The Great when you really need her? Or should I say, "Catherine The So-So"? Also, Phoebe's just learning all of this NOW? Apparently so, for Raige asks her pretty much the same question, and receives the following response: "I just thought [The Transsexual Zombie] was this cat we found on the porch!" Dimwitted jackhole. Raige shrugs off her sister's stupidity to remind Phoebe that, should Zack manage to off The Transsexual Zombie before the gals meet up in the Season Four premiere, the Power of Three is "screwed."
Doctor John's House Of Pain. The Dolt bitches. Dr. Rubinstein tells him to cram it, and urges them to focus on their more positive memories. "Things you've overcome as a couple," he leads, instructing them to "free-associate." Strap yourselves in, gang, 'cause it's time for a fiscally responsible montage!
Yes, I meant "cheap." Like you had to ask.
On the sun porch, Piper futzes with the [72virg=ins] inventory for a bit before the Dolt wanders into the room with coffee staining his shirt. Bamp-chicka-bamp-ew.
Piper kneels in a pool of light outside of P3, gathering her scattered belongings as she flings a huffy yet heartfelt and well-acted monologue up at The Powers That Be. The heavens' response is, of course, silence. Phoebe and Raige enjoy rewatching this excellent scene nearly as much as I do.
Season Three versions of Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt dash downstairs to find L.B. Prue gnawing on Kit's tail. The Dolt decides this is the perfect opportunity to get away from his bitch of a sister-in-law, and announces that he's leaving to consult TPTB on a banshee vanquish. "Don't tell me you're afraid of Prue," S3 Feebs snickers. "Yeah!" duhs the Dolt before orbing away. Piper clenches.
Not!tingham. The Dolt enters and moves to unshackle the Manor Ps. A knight in black armor attacks him from behind. They tussle. The Dolt finally head-butts the dark knight, which is enough to send the guy spinning across the room into unconsciousness. It should be, considering that the Dolt's head is a solid block of wood. He frees the Manor Ps as Piper waxes lustful over this heretofore-hidden manly side of her husband.
Manor. Okay, this one's actually kind of fun: Phoebe and Raige flare into the upstairs hall, and Phoebe heads into the nearby bathroom to retrieve Kit. Upon entering, she realizes to both her great horror and mine that she's actually stumbled into The Steamy Sauna Of Wretched And Ungodly Pre-Marital Fornication. Phoebe mumbles her excuses and covers her eyes and bounces the Fun Bags off the doorframe on her way out as naked Piper shrieks, "Hey! Did you change your hair?" Heh.
Phoebe rejoins Raige in the hallway, looking plenty skeeved. They flare out and reappear on the staircase at Piper's club. The music's different, Prue's nowhere to be found, and The Tasteful Bitches Of The Class Of 1990 have prematurely taken their leave, but the "choreography" remains the same. Heh. God, that episode sucked.
House Of Pain. Dr. Rubinstein goggles in disbelief. "Don't ask!" Piper snaps. Hee! Even she hated that one.
Phoebe and Raige flare into a small water closet adjacent to the main upstairs bathroom and listen to the Dolt's proposal of marriage through the door. Raige squeals like a little girl. I note the absence of all references to The Guardians, and move on.
Phoebe hears The Transsexual Zombie shrieking in the attic above, and orders Raige to orb them both up to the floor. Once they've arrived, Zack glances up at them from the gutted remains of The Transsexual Zombie and slimes, "Looks like curiosity just killed your cat." That's a bad, bad line, my friend, and your delivery did nothing to detract from its crappiness. Maybe you deserved your banishment from the credits. Zack blinks out as Kit The Corpse morphs out into Nancy.
Flash to the real Manor. Nancy doubles over in pain and softly whispers, "Oh, no!" as a white flare erupts on her right hand's fingers. The flare races up her arm into her torso like a particularly shiny and virulent attack of flesh-eating bacteria, dissolving her body as it goes. A shadowy grey afterimage of her form hangs in the air for a moment before vanishing as well. The camera cuts to an exterior shot of the Manor, above which storm clouds quickly gather. Huh. Maybe I shouldn't have been so quick with the DUN! before that last commercial break.
Kidding. Like I care. And who didn't know Nancy and The Transsexual Zombie were one and the same long before now, anyway?
House Of Pain. Piper and the Dolt now hold hands and snuggle as the good doctor spouts touchy-feely crap. Suddenly, the Dolt gets a migraine. Just as quickly, the audience gets an eyesore as Brian Krause unleashes The Constipated Chimpanzee Face Of Unbearable Anguish And Torment. Piper freezes Dr. Rubinstein and wonders what gives. The Dolt wails something about witches crying out in pain and blah before Phoebe's tinny little voice calls out from the depths of Piper's brain.
Back in the attic, Phoebe's standing in the center of the room, screaming at the ceiling. Raige attempts to silence her, but Phoebe lays it on the line: If they're trapped in Piper's memory because of a spell, then Piper has to rewind to the beginning of the last flashback so they can rescue Nancy The Transgender Transspecies Menace. Got it? Good.
House Of Pain. Piper realizes that Phoebe and Raige are trapped in her head, and mumbles something about the last memory she and the husband shared with the good doctor. "The one where I proposed?" wheezes the Dolt.
At that, Phoebe and Raige flare back down to the tiny water closet. Raige immediately orbs them back up to the attic and smashes the Blink-B-Gone at Zack's feet. He claws his eyes in agony as Phoebe stealthily retrieves his dagger from the floor. She jams it in his stomach while sneering rather predictably, "What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?" Zack howls and wails and blazes on off to The Waste Land. The Transsexual Zombie bats at the air to express his/her approval.
House Of Pain. The voices in the Dolt's gigantic gargoyle head have stopped with the screaming and the angst. Piper rises to pen a quick reversal spell. "Even I don't want to be this close to my sisters." Wah. Wah. Waaaaaaah!
Manor. Denouement. Piper emerges from the kitchen with a tray of tea and snacks, and the Glamorous Ladies grill Nancy regarding her life over the last year and a half. She reveals that as a reward for her loyal service to both the Famous Original and the Reconstituted Charmed Ones, the ever-useless Elders granted her long-standing request for gender- and species-reassignment surgeries. Now, she's in charge of a litter of Familiars-In-Training, and she's quite happy, thanks. Nancy coos over The Done One for a moment before heading back home. A couple of brief forays into Lessons Of The Week territory follow, the most important involving Piper and the Dolt's mutual vow to secure a little more alone time as a couple. Phoebe and Raige take the hint and rise to leave. The camera follows the gals into the hall before shuddering over to Piper’s Mysterious Curio Cabinet Of Tacky Marital Memorabilia. An ominous chord strikes the soundtrack as the shot lingers on the void previously occupied by that hideous wedding-cake ornament. Girl, please. Foreshadowing wouldn't be caught dead on Prescott Street, so knock it off with the ominous chords already.
week, slutty nymphs defile Easter. Have fun!